All language subtitles for Wilfred s01e09 sion.eng

Transcript by Addic7ed.com

MAN:
Mr. Newman, this is Dr. Cahill.

Please call me
as soon as possible,

or better yet,
maybe you should drive up here

so we can speak in person.
It's, uh, about your mother.

(knocking)

- Hey, Jenna.
- Hey. Just to warn you...

What's with the cone?

Sorry. Wilfred got a hot spot
and he won't stop chewing on it.

So the vet said he has to
wear this for a few days.

Days? It's coming off
one second after you leave.

- He seems kind of grumpy.
- Yeah, sometimes he gets like this

(baby talk): when his
mommy's going out of town.

(mocking): "When his mommy's
going out of town."

(normal voice):
Like I give a shit.

Thanks for watching
him this weekend.

Drew and I really need
some time away

to work on our relationship
without any distractions.

Plus Drew really loves Vegas.

Why are you still here?

So what are you and Wilfred

going to do today?

Uh, looks like we might
have to go see my mother.

- Your mother?
- You have a mother?

Yeah. She lives at
a retreat in Ojai...

for artists...

'cause she's an artist.

Well, I hope I get
to meet her someday.

I'd love that.

Well, I should get going.

Mommy's going to miss you.

An artist, huh?

So what got your mom locked up

in the nut hut?

Well, started with a
bunch of little things,

like refusing to eat
anything except avocado.

When she'd show up at my
school dressed for Halloween

three or four times a year.

Then Catherine had
a complete breakdown.

My father wanted to
impress his partners

by having a formal
dinner at our house.

She couldn't handle
the pressure.

She was looking for
a place to hide

and crawled up the chimney.

The fire department
had to pry her out.

I had a similar

situation with my penis
and a vacuum hose.

I had to cut the tube
just to break free.

I still jizzed, but out
of spite, not pleasure.

The point is, it was in front
of my father's whole firm

and all his clients.

He had no choice.

He brought her here
for a psych evaluation.

She could have left
after 72 hours,

but she chose to stay--
for 20 years.

What kind of mother abandons
her family like that?

I'll tell you what kind.

The kind who doesn't give
a shit about your feelings.

The kind who leaves you
where you cry your eyes out,

missing her every night,

and you did nothing wrong,
but Jenna left, anyway.

Jenna?

CAHILL:
Your mother's fine.

In fact, she feels,
and we agree,

that she's ready to venture
back out into the world.

What world?
The world?

Your world.

When patients leave our care,

the most successful transitions

are facilitated
by their family members.

You want me to...?

No. I barely know her.

I only see her a couple
times a year, and...

Why now?

Well, this isn't some
sort of whim, Mr. Newman.

Your mother has wanted to do
this for a very long time.

She's done a lot
of really good work

to get to this point.

Is this wise?

It's been 20 years.

The world has changed.

Hi-def TV and...
other things.

Well, she hasn't
been in a coma.

We have cable.

Fellas, come here.
I just want to talk to you.

I'm not going to hurt yous.
I'm not going to hurt yous!

- I'll kill you!
- Wilfred!

Oh, hey, Ryan.
What's up, mate?

Later, boys.

The doctor wants my mom
to come stay with me.

And I assume
you told him to blow you.

We don't need that crazy
old broad cramping our style.

How can I say no?

She is my mother.

Ryan, you don't
owe her anything.

She left you.
She left her little boy.

Ryan!

Oh!

That's my baby!
My gorgeous boy!

Pried from my womb.

I had planned a vaginal birth,

but Mr. Breach Bottom
here had other plans,

and so the doctor cut
me open and pulled

this beautiful miracle
from my uterus

like a rabbit from a hat.

(laughing)

Oh, I missed you so much!

(laughing)

(sighs):
Oh...

And who's your
little doggy friend?

This is Wilfred.

I'm watching him
for my neighbor.

(hisses)

Be nice, Mittens.

Mittens? Seriously?

Yeah, keep walking, Mittens.

You look like
your father--

minus the thin lips
and the soulless eyes.

Um...

Sorry, sorry.

I should not have said that.

I don't hold any animosity
toward your father.

It has taken me
years of therapy,

but now I can actually
appreciate your father

for what he is-- the man
who pays the bills.

I just met with
Dr. Cahill...

I just couldn't be the kind
of wife that he wanted.

I'm too free-spirited,
too outspoken,

too human.

Whoops.

(laughs)

Indian chief.

(whooping)

That was a little racist,
but it was fun.

How is that racist?
Indians do that all the time.

Let me just...

I'll-I'll get that.

So, uh, Dr. Cahill told me
about your progress,

and...

(growling softly)

Oh, oh, oh, poor baby.

Oh...

Ryan, what's she doing?

You know how creepy
I find menopausal women.

Stop... No, no, stop...

Aw, aw!

Oh... (chuckles)

(contented sigh)

Yeah. Isn't that better?

Yeah. It is.

Why would you...?

(gasps)

Mommy's here now, Wilfred.

So, anyway, um...

I have a lot
going on right now,

so maybe it's best
if you just stay here.

I understand.

It was a lot to ask.

No biggie.

What kind of animal are you?

You would leave
your own mum in here?

You said...

She let a doctor
stick his hands

inside her uterus
so you could live.

So, what, I should
forgive her for everything?

You know, Ryan, for a guy
who once tried to kill himself,

you don't have a whole
lot of compassion.

CATHERINE:
Ryan...

just so you know,

I would turn back time
if I could.

(sniffles) For God's sake, man!

This is your mother.

I-I guess I could reschedule
a few things...

(laughs)

Oh, good!

(sighing)

(chuckles)

(sighs softly)

Good morning.

What happened to my kitchen?

Ryan, don't be such a grouch.

I know how to turn
that frown upside down.

Fish sticks and peanut butter tacos--
your favorite breakfast.

Thanks.

But these days,
I eat breakfast for breakfast.

Can I help you find something?

Uh, let's see--

pork rinds, Funyuns
and a 12-pack of Visine.

I was looking for a glass,

but now I'm looking
for your weed.

What? I don't...

Oh, relax, honey, I'm no narc.

Truth be told,
I've been known to partake

in a little of
the funny tea myself.

(inhales sharply)

I am dying to catch up
on the family gossip.

Is Kristen still
into black guys?

No. Mom, she's been married
to Leo for six years.

Oh, that's right.

Well, it's been harder for me

to stay in touch
with your sister.

Sad to say, she and I were
never as close as you and me.

Even when you were a little boy,
people always said that

you were going to grow up
to be just like me.

And then, I go into the
backyard and see that my mother

has hung all her bras and
panties out to dry on a tree.

What if Jenna had seen that?

Jenna wouldn't have seen that.

Because Jenna's
always out of town.

At least Catherine is here.

She is now, but
when I was a kid...

(mocking):
Waa-waa-waa.

You know what this is?

Let me guess.

The length of my dick?

No, it's the amount
of compassion you've shown

towards your mum.

And the length of your dick.

They happen to be
equal in this case.

Doesn't happen often,
but it's pretty cool

when this shit lines up.
Like an eclipse.

Just because she's
had problems,

doesn't mean it's okay
for her to embarrass me.

(sniffs) What?

- What are you afraid of?
- Afraid?

When you talk about your mum,
I hear anger, but I smell fear.

The only thing I'm afraid of

is what embarrassing thing my
mother is going to do next.

Our mum is the furthest
thing from embarrassing.

Our?

WOMAN:
What is she doing?

(laughter, murmuring)

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?!

What does it look
like I'm doing, silly?

I'm making a statement
about corporate greed

and the death of selflessness

through interpretative
movement painting.

This is already
online, isn't it?

Come, join me, my child.

I thought you'd never ask.

Wilfred!

I don't understand
why you're so angry.

Rolling around in paint
in my front yard

in front of all my neighbors?

You don't see how that
might be a problem for me?

Well, after
the hissy fit you threw

about a few dirty dishes
in the kitchen this morning,

I didn't want to get
paint in the house.

WILFRED:
Did Mum complain to you

when you made a mess
of her lady parts

- during childbirth?
- Okay, you know what?

Go get dressed
in some normal clothes.

We're going apartment hunting,
right now.

(knocking)

Surprise!

Hey, I thought you
weren't back until Sunday.

Change of plans.
Is this a bad time?

Well, actually...

Um, I think Wilfred
needs to go out.

Oh, there's my little man!

Ryan, who's the blonde?

She looks vaguely familiar.

- Hello.
- Hi. I'm Jenna.

I'm Ryan's mom.

Oh, it's so nice to finally
meet you, Mrs. Newman.

Mrs. Newman is my slave name.

You can call me Catherine.

Oh, okay.

- Hi. Oh!
- Oh.

(both chuckle)

Oh, oh, oh.

Um, let go.

Let-- let go.

Oh, Wilfie, did you
miss your mommy?

Sorry, I have a new mommy now.

Oh!

Oh!

(laughing):
I think someone likes me.

WILFRED:
Mm!

Wilfred, your nose tickles.

(laughing)

And then when Ryan was eight,

I walked in and found him
with his little penis

pressed up against
the TV screen.

More rice?

No thank you, sweetheart.

Turns out,

he was trying to
wanky-wanky to Mona

from Who's the Boss.

(laughing) Adorable.

Oh, that's so...

Okay, Jenna,
you just cut Mom off

in the middle of a story!

- Settle down, Wilfred.
- You settle down!

Sorry, Mom.
Please continue.

Mom, can we maybe stop
with the stories

Oh, gosh, he's upset because
I told the Who's the Boss story.

Don't be so uptight.

Everybody masturbates.
Right, Jenna?

Uh... I have a boyfriend.

(quietly):
She totally masturbates.

Okay, this isn't appropriate
dinner conversation.

Now, where did all this
embarrassment come from?

You were such
an open-minded little boy.

I used to take him with me
to belly dancing class.

Who takes a nine-year-old
boy belly dancing?

I wanted you to be
connected to your body.

It was something
you and I did together,

and you loved it.

Come on, Ryan, come on.

Dance the chicot with me again.

(imitating tambourine rhythm)

WILFRED: Chicky-chicky boom-boom,
chicky-chicky boom-boom...

(laughing)

It's so freeing, Ryan!

(laughter)

Enough!

Why can't you just act normal?

I have to pee.

Does she really have to pee?
I wonder.

You know, you sound
just like your father.

Well, I'd rather be
like Dad than like you.

When I was a little kid, I used
to pray that you'd come home.

And now I'm glad
that you stayed away.

You're crazy!

Well, if that's the way
you truly feel,

then I guess I should go back
to the nut house in the morning.

What? No, I want to keep her.
Ryan, apologize.

CATHERINE: I wish I could
put into words

how I feel about this visit.

I can't, but I will
leave you with this.

Jenna, it was truly lovely
meeting you.

It was nice seeing... you.

I'll just--
I'll clear the plates.

You insensitive prick.

Mommy needs our love.

She's not your murmy.
She's barely mine.

I am nothing like her.

(sniffs)

Tell me something, Ryan,

how old was Mum
when she lost it?

20 years ago--
that makes her...

Well, just a bit older
than you are now.

So maybe you are like her.

That's the fear
I'm smelling, isn't it?

I'm not crazy.

Said the man to the dog.

I'm warning you, Ryan--

she's the best mum
I've ever had,

and I'm not going to let
you take her away from me.

She's going back
to the wellness center tomorrow,

and that's that.

Aw! Aw! God!

Dr. Cahill.

Thanks for meeting us.

Um, I'm sorry

things didn't work
out as expected.

Hmm.

No one's to blame.

It's difficult functioning
in the world, and my mom...

We're not here
to talk about your mother.

What's going on with Ryan?

This belong to you?

Where-where'd you get this?

I found Wilfred
chewing on it last night.

You son of a bitch!

How is that an insult?
I've never understood that.

Why would you write
a suicide note?

Were you really thinking
of killing yourself?

Ryan, we're here to help you.

Your thoughts of suicide
are concerning.

But your eight-page diatribe

in which you accuse
the post office

of, uh, secretly monitoring

the population for the purposes

of mind control--
that's disturbing.

Sometimes the truth
is disturbing.

Take off the blinders,
Dr. Cahill.

I did not write that.

This isn't happening.

- Just wait till Jenna finds out.
- Jenna?

- Jenna? - CATHERINE: Jenna
lives next door to Ryan.

She claims she
doesn't masturbate.

Do you think that's relevant?

CAHILL:
My sense is that Jenna,

masturbation
and the post office

are all crucial pieces
to this puzzle.

I do not have a problem
with the post office.

Wilfred does.
He's setting me up!

He's manipulating all of you

because he's trying
to steal my mother.

Whoa.

He's a dog.

I-I-I know that.

I-I was just kidding.

Well, then you won't
mind me putting you

on an involuntary
psychiatric hold

until I can determine
that for myself.

What? Of course I mind.

Well, the law says that if
I determine that you're a danger

to yourself or to
others, I can hold you

- for 72 hours.
- CATHERINE: I know it sounds scary,

but it'll help you
just like it helped me.

I am not like you, okay?

You can't do this to me!

(sobbing)

There, there.

This is all your fault!

You backstabber!
Eat shit!

Eat shit!

Again, your tone says insult,

but what I'm hearing
is a tempting offer.

Ryan, how are we feeling today?

Aside from the fact
that I started smoking,

I feel pretty good.

Well, you've made
a lot of progress

over the last three days,
and based on years of

diagnostic experience and your
lack of health insurance,

it is my medical opinion
that you are not a danger

to yourself or to others,
and I'm releasing you.

So I'm not nuts?

Look, everybody's
a little cuckoo, Ryan.

The people who
hide it well--

those are the people
I worry about.

Oh, Ryan, one last thing.

Find someone you can talk to.

Thanks, Doc.

Can you ever forgive me?

Can you forgive me
for calling you crazy?

Oh, it's okay.

I am, you know, a little.

Mom, if you'd stayed with Dad,

that would have been crazy.

Listen, Ryan, hope
you don't mind,

but I think I'd like
to stay here.

I like being somewhere

where I don't have to
apologize for being me.

I am what I am.

Me, too.

Maybe you could come
visit more often.

Maybe you can come visit me.

Boy, you really are the
spitting image of your father.

It's kind of hard
to look at you.

Oh, that's better.

So I guess you're
pretty pissed at me

for getting you locked up, huh?

I was.

But now I'm kind of glad.

I think I finally
understand my mother.

So, Mittens, did you miss me?

Bitch, please.

I knew you'd be back.

Transcript by Addic7ed.com

Okay, now I want you
to think of a card.

Got one.

- Good. Now forget it.
- Okay.

Think of another card.

Okay.

Perfect. Now forget
that one, too.

I want you to think
of one more card.

Fine.

- What card were you thinking of?
- Four of clubs.

Turn over the top card.

Ten of hearts.

Keep going until you hit
the four of clubs.

Hey, come back.

I'll show you how it's done.

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