Original subtitles

Hey, hey, do these pants make my bottom look big?

[ laughs ] Bottom.

You're so Amish.

Hey, some guy from Sports Unlimited called.

He said that your Nolan Ryan baseball card

won't be ready until 3:00.

Oh, 3:00? You're kidding.

Yep. Made the whole thing up.

Shoot. I really need that card.

It's for a client I'm trying to sign.

He's a pitcher,

and Nolan Ryan is like his favorite,

and now I'm not going to have time to pick it up.

Bummer.

No, please, come on. It's really important to me.

You can pick it up right after school.

I don't know. I'm pretty booked.

What do you do that is so important?

First of all, I have to meet Henry before school

because he thinks we don't spend enough time together.

And Gary's going to be there because he thinks

I spend too much time with Henry.

And then I have school, which sucks.

And then after school, I have a job I have to go to.

Okay, what about the 2-hour window between school and work?

Then I have to meet with Jessica L.

and Jessica R. for coffee, because they think

I spend too much time with Henry and Gary.

And then I need at least 15 minutes of down time

so I can de-stress from everyone pulling at me!

Okay, here's the address.

Just swing by there and pick it up

no later than 3:30, okay?

And drop it off at the Standard.

Okay, what about studying?

Don't you want me to get into a good college?

Look, if I get this client, I'll get a promotion,

and that means more money.

Then I can just buy you into college,

and you'll never have to study again.

I just had a cancellation.

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Okay, would you still be with me

if I gained 600 pounds

and could only bathe in a kiddie pool?

You're not going to gain 600 pounds.

You've been trying to break 140 since I met you.

Ha ha ha.

Would you still be with me if I couldn't help it,

but I talked at this volume all the time!?

Probably.

But we'd stay inside a lot more.

Man, listening to the two of you

talk about stupid things makes me miss Jill

even more than I already do.

Would you still be with Jill if her knees were inverted

and she walked like an ostrich?

Hell no!

I got to take off. I'll see you guys later.

- See you. - Bye.

So, why are you asking all these weird questions?

Well, uh...

I didn't want to worry you,

but I have to have major surgery.

Oh, my God!

What is it?

I have to have my wisdom teeth removed.

That's it? That's the major surgery?

They're impacted!

They have to put me under, and I heard

that sometimes people can go into a coma.

You're going to be fine.

That's what everyone says.

No one thinks they're going into a coma

when they go into a coma.

Tell you what. How about I go with you?

I promise that when you wake up,

my face will be the first thing you see.

That'll be awesome.

Usually it's my dog's ass.

Uh-oh. There goes Rachel.

Peter's only been here a week, and he's already

fired like three people for no reason.

That's not true. Rachel never did any work.

She took 3-hour lunches, and she was always

taking credit for things she didn't do.

Oh, my God! People notice that stuff?

[ men laughing ]

What bothers me is he's replacing them

with all his buddies.

It's getting more and more like a frat house around here.

Now if he'd just fire the rest of you broads,

I'd be the only sweetheart at the kegger.

Good morning, everyone.

- Hi. - Good morning.

I'd like introduce you all to Alan, Mark, and Josh --

A.K.A. "The Cheese,"

"The Hammer," and "The Dawg"!

These guys were all part of my team in Chicago,

and we're very lucky to have them.

Okay, any new business?

Actually, yeah.

Can you believe that Rangers game last night?

I mean, I never thought I'd get turned on

by a bunch of guys,

but that was a hell of a game!

Whoo, talk to me!

Okay, um, I have something...

Not quite as homoerotic as the other thing.

Um, the Mets just signed this new guy, Mike Logan,

and apparently he's not very happy with his P.R. firm.

So I've been harassing his agent,

and I have a meeting with Mike today,

4:00 at the Standard.

That is exactly the way I like to do business.

Great work.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Okay, Alan, why don't you get Val's notes and contact info?

I'd like you to go to the Standard

and take that meeting.

You got it.

Great. Anybody got anything else?

- Nope, that's it. - Nothing else.

All right, have a nice day.

Did you just see that?

He just gave my client to Alan. That is unbelievable.

Yeah, I know.

It seems like the men favor each other over us.

How odd.

I'm sorry, but that's just unacceptable.

I am going to go in there and get my client back.

You do that.

You go in there, and you fight for women everywhere!

I'm gonna go to the bathroom and pretty myself up.

[ knocks on door ] Hi. Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

Hey, Mike Logan -- way to go.

Yeah, about that --

Um, I was wondering why the client I brought in,

you handed over to somebody named "The Cheese Dawg."

Did you do it because when we went out to dinner,

I called you a pig?

Because I really don't think I should be punished for that.

Oh, my God, no.

No, I once had a woman call me a sick bastard,

and the next morning,

I still let her make me breakfast.

Okay, uh, did you do it because Alan is a man?

Well, he knows baseball. He's a guy.

He knows what other guys are into.

Oh, okay.

You don't think I'm capable of talking about sports

and beer and hot girl-on-girl action?

Are you sure we can't go out again?

Look, I have researched this guy

for the past two weeks.

I know what he likes. I know what he dislikes.

I know what his old firm did for him,

and better yet, I know what they didn't do for him.

And I really think that I should be the one

who meets with him.

You know what? You're absolutely right.

Logan's your guy. You did all the legwork,

and we'll meet you there at 4:00.

"We"?

Listen, Val, I've had most of my success

working as a team.

That's just part of my business philosophy.

But it's your meeting, okay?

Okay.

That sounds fair.

Hey, you need a nickname.

You have a nickname?

Um, yeah, I had one in high school.

Great. What was it?

"Pickles."

"Pickles."

Yeah.

I like pickles.

Hey, how's Henry doing? Is he asleep yet?

Yeah. It took a while.

I asked him to count backward from 10,

and he just kept saying, "I'm going to die."

[ chuckles ]

That's my man.

[ cellular phone rings ]

[ ring ]

Hello?

Hey. I was just wondering

if you picked up my Nolan Ryan card yet.

Sure did.

Where are you?

Two minutes away.

You're the best.

I know. Bye.

Oh, my God!

[ men laughing ]

Hey, Val.

Hey. Where have you been?

Why are you with Mike Logan?

Why is Mike Logan drunk?

Uh, we took him to a strip club,

and he didn't want to leave.

I thought he might be interested

in a little pre-meeting nudity.

You took him to a strip club?

Oh, yeah.

And he signed a 3-year contract.

He, uh, missed most of the dotted line,

but I think it will hold up in court.

You didn't feel the need to include me in this?

No.

But maybe I should have.

You know, if Mike watched you get a lap dance,

we could have gotten a 5-year contract.

Come on, let's go celebrate. I'll introduce you to him.

You'll introduce me to him?

I should be introducing him to you.

This is really insulting.

Okay, just calm down.

You wouldn't even know about Mike Logan

if it hadn't been for me.

I really think I deserve to be a part of this.

Okay, you know what?

I don't understand you. We are on the same team.

Team? What team? I didn't even get to play.

Look, I'm going over there, and I'm celebrating

about $2 million worth of new business,

and I would really like it if you came with me,

but if you want to just stay here and pout,

that's up to you.

Hey, here's the card.

Good luck. Got to go meet Henry.

I hate this stupid job!

I hate those stupid people!

Yeah, stupid people suck. Got to go meet Henry.

You would think after three years

of working my tail off for this company,

I'd get some respect.

Uh, okay, yeah.

I have to meet Henry at the dentist's office.

I promised him I'd be there. Got to go.

Okay, go, go.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm -- go!

Come here. You okay?

[ sobbing ]

No, seriously, I'm good.

Yeah, I can see that.

Do you think you'd feel better talking about it in a cab?

- Yeah. - Okay.

We might have to go outside to get a cab.

[ Holly's voice ]: Henry.

Henry.

Holly?

Hey, Henry, how you feeling, dawg?

What's up, Henry?

[ knock on door ]

- Hey, can I come in? - Oh, actually --

Yeah, but this is really urgent.

Oh, what is it? Is it Henry? Is he okay?

Well, he's mad at you.

I know that. I've called him like 20 times,

and he hasn't called me back.

That's not the urgent part.

The urgent part is I was kind of in the neighborhood,

and I've got to use the bathroom.

What's up, Val?

Oh, I'll tell you what's up.

The world is not a fair place,

and no matter how hard I work,

I will always be considered a second-class citizen.

Are we gonna have a conversation

about inequality? Because "a," I win,

And "b," I've really got to use the bathroom.

Typical man.

You know what?

Peter keeps saying I have to be a team player.

I have always been a team player.

I just happen to hate this team.

If you hate work so much, why don't you just quit?

Start your own company.

You could have it exactly the way you want it.

Hire all women, and maybe a sassy gay guy.

Oh, God, I wish I lived in there.

But it's all full of funny cartoons and stuff.

Val, if this is about money, I've got $1,300 --

No, $1,100 --

I've got $75 in my savings account.

It's yours.

Okay, Val.

Now, the way Gary sees it, you've got three choices.

You could find yourself another job

and pray it's going to be a better situation,

do what Holly said and start your company,

or do what 99% of the world does

and stay where you are and learn to suck it up.

I heard you through the door.

Oh, my God, could you hear me?

You look good.

There's not a lot of swelling at all.

Well, it's still very painful.

The doctor has grave concerns.

About what?

He won't tell me.

That's how grave they are.

Look, Henry, I wanted to be there.

Hey, hey, hey. Water under the bridge, okay?

Okay.

So, do you have those dissolving stitches?

It's just that you said you would be there.

If I told you I would be there for you,

I would be.

Okay, look, Val was in an emergency.

I know, I know, I know. You had a Val emergency,

and I am trying to be understanding.

But I just feel like that if you had wanted to be there,

you would have found a way.

Okay, first of all, I'm sorry.

I wanted to be there, but there's only one of me.

I try to be a good girlfriend. I try to be a good sister.

I try to be a good friend!

I am just saying that I really value this relationship,

and sometimes I'm not so sure if you do.

Oh, my God, how can you say that?

You know me. You know who I am.

I think we've been dating long enough for you to know

that if I could have been there, I would have.

And you know what? I'm sorry,

but something came up, and I don't feel

that I should be punished for that.

And to be perfectly honest, I think you're being

a little bit of a bitch right now!

I'm the bad guy?

All I did was have painful surgery

and expect my girlfriend to be there for me!

Oh, my God, you're not even listening to me!

I just said that I --

I know what you said.

Okay, look, I can't be here right now.

I've got some things I need to think about.

No, you stay.

I have some things I need to think about.

- Good. Think. - I will.

Me too!

[ loudly ] I'm sorry!

I can't seem to control my volume!

- Hey. Where have you been? - Hey.

Hiding. If they can't find me, they can't fire me.

What's in there?

Oh, I'm loading up on caramel corn

and Diet Pepsi from the break room.

Going to see "Nemo."

[ knock on door ]

Come in.

Hi. Do you have a second?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, look, I'm sorry

about getting so upset yesterday.

It's just there have been a lot of changes around here,

and it's going to take some getting used to for me.

Nah, don't worry about it. It's already forgotten.

Besides, I kind of liked it when you got all pouty.

Yeah.

How cute are chicks when they pout?

I'm the one that needs to make the adjustments,

so that is just what I'm going to do.

I'm going to suck it up.

Be part of the team, you know?

Just one of the guys.

Good. I'm glad to hear it, Pickles.

Uh, Peter, we have a little situation.

I just got a call from a freaked-out Mike Logan.

What's he freaked out about?

Well, after we left him at the bar,

he took our limo back to the club

and hooked up with one of the --

Entertainers?

Yeah. Anyway, his wife found out about it

and kicked him out of the house,

so now I'm thinking it's going to be kind of tough

to promote him as baseball's greatest family man.

Okay, uh... it's not a problem.

The first thing we got to do is calm the little lady down.

[ scoffs ]

What?

That is genius.

Yes, how are we going to calm this broad down?

Well, I'm thinking we send her a dozen roses,

some candy, put his name on it.

Yes, yes, say something nice like "I'm sorry. I love you."

Say something nice about her rack.

Guys, it's not like he forgot their anniversary.

He hooked up with a stripper.

You can't fix that with candy.

Oh, so maybe the team should take her out

and get her drunk.

Here. Go call the wife.

Tell her that Mike has arranged for you

to take her out on the town --

Anywhere she wants to go, anything she wants to do.

If it's furry, get it.

If it's sparkly, get it.

I want this credit card company

to call me up scared.

So you're talking some hot girl-on-girl shopping.

Oh, yeah.

Ouch.

[ knock on door ]

Hey.

Hey.

So, how you feeling?

Fine.

My mouth hurts a little more

since I shoved my giant foot in it.

Did you do your thinking?

Yeah.

I think I'm kind of an idiot.

Okay.

Look, I know you got a lot on your plate right now,

and the last thing I want to be

is another problem for you.

I want to be something good for you.

I tried to be there, Henry.

I know. I overreacted.

Maybe a little, yeah.

I think I know why.

It's because when I said "I love you,"

you didn't say it back.

Henry, I told you --

No, just let me finish.

You know, the worst thing a guy can be in this life

is a chump.

And when I said that,

I totally set myself up to be a chump.

You're not a chump.

Not yet, but it runs strong in my family.

My dad was a chump. His dad was a chump.

My cousin's a chump.

Somebody's got to step up

and break the cycle.

Henry, I --

I do have a lot going on right now,

and I don't want you to be a problem, either.

But you're gonna become one if you don't start believing

that I'm committed to this relationship.

I can't keep making sure you're okay every second.

You need me to chill out, don't you?

So, so much.

Well...

I promise you that I will chill out.

'Cause I don't want to lose you.

And...the dentist gave me these.

[ whistling ]

Hey. You're back kind of early,

and you look happy. That's a good sign.

Oh, I am happy.

Is, uh, Mrs. Logan happy?

She's ecstatic.

And are they back together?

Oh, no, I don't think that's going to be happening.

See, apparently this isn't the first time

that Mike cheated on her.

Yeah, there have been strippers,

bartenders, flight attendants,

actresses.

One time, the stadium organist.

Ooh. Yeah, I've seen her.

She's older than the stadium.

Ah, good for her.

Anyway, she had like a thousand stories,

and so juicy.

You know what I said?

I said, "You should write a book."

And you know what she said?

She said, "Great idea."

So she's writing a tell-all?

Mm-hmm, yep. And you know who she wants to promote it?

Me.

She started asking me all these questions,

and the ideas just started flowing out of me.

Yeah, it was like we were feeding off of each other.

I'd say something, and she'd get excited,

then she'd say something, and I'd get excited.

And I started thinking -- you know, if I'm this good,

why am I working for you?

I should be working for myself.

So that is just what I'm going to do.

I quit.

Yes!

I quit too!

Huh?

I am tired

of being objectified by men.

You think I like feeling cheap?

Lauren...

No, Val, I am having an epiphany.

I come in here every day,

and I feel your eyes on me.

I am not just a hot piece of meat.

I am a worthy woman. I have talent.

I have something to offer.

Val and I are going to bury you.

Right, Val?

Um...I'm just gonna go clean out my office.

Okay.

Ooh.

Well, I could use a big, strong man to help me.

Come on.

Val, you were awesome. I'm so proud of you.

I'll be back in two seconds.

I'm gonna go hit up the supply cabinet

and steal everything that's not nailed down.

We're gonna be great.

Come on, Val, don't quit. I need you here.

No, you don't.

You can get along just fine without me.

I don't want to get along without you.

Are you hitting on me?

No.

Why, was I getting somewhere?

Wait, Val, listen.

I know that things have been hard for you since I got here,

but I really don't want you to leave.

You're responsible for half the names on our client list.

Damn, I am good.

Lauren was right. I will bury you.

Holly -- cover me!

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