All language subtitles for Undateable s03e12e13 The Backstreet Boys Walk Into a Bar.eng

Oh my god, you're so annoying!

OK, Shelly, would you ever have sex with
me and then lie to my face right after?

Oh, no, sweetie... I get all my
lying done beforehand.

There's still some ladies
in Detroit who think

they slept with a
chunky Isaiah Thomas.

I want Danny to spend more
time with my son. He made

plans with him and now
he's trying to pull out.

And guys "pulling out", that's why
I have a kid in the first place.

Okay, fine, I'll do it. But it's not fair.

You asked me right in the middle of sex.

I was like... "Ah, ah, ah... oh,

okay, I'll take your son to
Dave & Busters.

Okay, quick announcement.

It's a new year and I wanted
to shake things up a little bit.

So I decided to dye my hair red.

- But then I chickened out.
- Thank God, because red hair is the worst.

However, I did convince
Candace to do it. Yeah!

Ta-da! You like it?

I love it. I love it.

It is beautiful. It is great.
Like a bowl of tomato soup.

If I had a grilled cheese, I would
just dunk it on your head.

It's like your whole head's on fire!
Love you, fire head!

Okay, Brett, I'm going to kill you.

What do you have against red hair?

Oh, yeah, I love redheads. It reminds
me that even God makes mistakes.

It's just the first time
I caught my dad cheating

on my mom he was dressed
as Ronald McDonald.

It was a Halloween party at our house
and I walked in on him and our neighbor.

Let me just tell you. The prize I got in
my Happy Meal. You know what that was?

Being raised by a single mom.

I can't deal with red hair, not today.

Hey, hey, why are you freaking out?

I'm not freaking out. This
isn't freaking out okay?

I just need everything to go
perfect so I can surprise Candace

Surprise me how?

What the hell?

Candace, remember when we first met,
remember what song was playing?

Of course.

-
that way

That was awesome!

Wait, what are the Back
Street Boys doing here?

We're in Detroit doing a fund-raiser.

- Oh, that's nice. For who?
- Us.

Good one, dangerous one in
the Back Street Boys.

Don't hit me.

I am so excited that you guys are here.

When I was a kid I hung
all of your posters!

Wow. Really. Which one of
us was your favorite?

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Don't embarrass yourself. Kevin!

Anyway, Justin actually wrote us
a letter asking for a favor. So...

- You're on, buddy.
- Gotcha.

Do the Back Street Boys
all go pee together?

Candace, when you meet the
person you're supposed to spend

the rest of your life with, you want
it to start right away. So um...

Holy crap balls!

I love you. I do.

You're the most beautiful
person in the world.

Even with ridiculous red hair.

Candace, will you marry me?

Yes. Sure.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

_

Engaged jump! Hey, okay.

So, you know how my mom always
calls us Jay-Z and Beyonce

because I've got those sweet moves
and you've got those mean rhymes.

All the time.
Because I like limes. Is that a crime?

You're so talented. Anyway um, so now
that we're engaged she's

been calling us Jay-Z and fiance.

- She's not really that funny, is she?
- No.

Danny's back... all right.

Danny, why do you have
a child on your shoulders?

Oh, good, he's still there.

This is Will, Charlotte's son.

So... hey, big guy.

Yeah. He doesn't really talk.

So it's made bonding super easy.

What does he like?

All I really know is he likes to sit on
shoulders and sneeze on the top of my head.

Okay. Well, I'm going to get out of here

It was nice to meet you, young Will.
High five, buddy.

Oh-kay. All right.

Should I tell all of Detroit
that I'm engaged?

My ring says yes... woo!

Dude! I can't believe you didn't
tell me about proposing.

Give me a back, I didn't tell anybody.

Well, you told Back Street Boys.

You didn't tell me, man, and I'm like your
spiritual guidance counselor. I'm so cool.

I'm like your sensei. (Speaks gibberish)

I don't speak Japanese.
And neither do you.

(More gibberish)

Unbelievable.

Anyway, this right here is what
we need to cherish. Okay?

This is really special. So
you are engaged, so what?

It doesn't matter. Maybe
you'll only be living here

another seven, eight, nine, ten years.

- Who's engaged for ten years?
- Turtles?

I'm good. That was for you.

Anyway, look, since Candace has a

house, we thought it might be romantic if
we moved in together on Valentine's day.

Valentine's Day? That's in two weeks.
Will give me the sandwich

Hold my beer, I need to gesture
like an old Italian woman.

What are you talking about? I cannot
believe the words coming out of your mouth.

Is there something you're not
telling me? What's going on?

Is she pregnant? Are you?

Did Candace put a baby in you?

I know you're joking but I
would happily carry that baby.

Stretch marks, morning sickness...
I want it all.

I know it feels like I'm splitting up the
best on-screen duo since "Will & Grace".

I just want to make sure
you're not bummed out.

Bummed out? I'm not bummed
out. I'm totally cool. I'm super cool, man.

Come on, whose Twitter handle
is "Cool Danny". Huh?

Not mine. You know why?
I'm way too cool for that.

Yeah...

Well, that sucks.

- Danny?
- What's up, sweet little Will?

Don't be a bitch.

I can't wait to dance at your wedding.

You know when I was younger,
I almost got engaged.

But then her brother talked me out of it.

Really, what did he say?

He said Brett, you have a beautiful
penis. And dip!

Whoo! Guys, help me out. What
should my wedding be like?

Charlotte, you were married.
Was your wedding like a fairy tale?

It was like a fairy tale. Uhhh.

Once there was a princess
with low self-esteem.

And a pretty sick body. She
went to Vegas one weekend

and ate some magic beans.

Then she married an ogre named Mark.

Then 12 weeks later a wizard named Jack the
divorce attorney annulled her mistake.

The end.

Okay, Well, you guys will all
obviously be in my wedding.

I'm sorry, except for you,
Charlotte, because we just met.

That's fine, no worries. I'll
just come to the next one.

Oh, guys, Bursk, Les, I assume
you guys want to be each

other's plus ones since you're you know...
smooch buddies.

No. No cute winks. We went on one date.

I know how you guys like to gossip about everything
but we're not even going to talk about it okay?

I want you guys to pretend
like we're not even dating.

Okay. Is that how you feel Bursk?

Yes. That's exactly how I've
been instructed to feel.

You
guys, today's so perfect!

I mean sometimes I do
wonder about a different ring.

Is that because the diamond Justin
got you is so tiny and ridiculous?

- No. I love it.
- I know, it's so perfect!

I just kind of wish
I had my grandmother's ring.

What happened to it?

My ex-boyfriend, Trent, pawned
it to buy protein powder.

I just loved my grandma so much.
It was really all I had left of her.

Sweetie, I know what you're
doing. You're trying to manipulate me

into going getting that ring for you by using
your sad face but, it's not going to work.

You can just put it away.

Okay. We're going to get you that ring!

Danny is such a jerk.

From now on, nobody named
Danny allowed in this bar.

My name is Danny.

Oh, I'm sorry I was talking
about my roommate.

But get the hell out of here, Danny!
You're way too confident for your looks!

What's wrong with him?

Danny was so mean to him this
morning, I can still totally picture it.

So Justin woke up and
he was in a great mood.

He was all like, oh, I
love being in love, man.

Oh, I just love it, it makes
me want to spin and jump!

And it makes me want to blow kisses.

Blow and blow kisses left and right.

And then Danny was like, grr,
I think love is stupid and I'm

stupid and getting married is a mistake.

And I get to be... I get to
be mean to you for no reason

because I'm a big baby.

Wah-wah, Look at me I think I'm
so cool even though I'm just a big jerk

and I like to do high kicks.
Watch me do a high kick. High kick!

High kick, high kick. And
then I like to do push-ups.

I like to do...

I could keep doing push-ups all day.

I'm going to do ten more push-ups.

Yeah, that's basically how it went.

I mean I think I paraphrased a
little bit but you guys get the gist.

Why is Danny being so mean?

How do you not get this? Don't
you remember when you first met?

Of course I do. It was
right there in that office

Well, I remember it like it was yesterday.

_

- Hey, Justin.
- Sorry.

- You must be Danny.
- Killer pipes, man.

Thank you. Yeah, I went to choral camp

every summer as a kid and
I was the first male Annie.

We're a real odd couple, me and you.

I bet we're just going to get
into arguments and apologize

over and over again every week.

I let the guys speak for
themselves in my plays, man.

Yeah! I remember it like it was yesterday.

We became roommates after that.

But what does that have
to do with anything?

Because. The reason he
needed a new roommate was

because his old roommate
got married and left.

They were never really
friends again after that.

Now it's happening to Danny all over again.

Poor guy feels abandoned, man.

I've got to make this right.

Good luck kiss?

Now go get 'em, soldier!

Of course Trent works here.

Candace used to see all this for free?
Now people gotta pay a buck for it. Bam!

Capitalism.

I never thought I'd say these
words but... I'm having a

horrible time at a strip club.

Hey, Trent, can you stop twerking
for a second? Stop twerking.

and tell me where you pawned
Candace's grandmother's ring?

News flash, I never pawned it.

You turned it into a tongue stud?

It's perfect!

Alright, you're going to
give that diamond back.

Trent doesn't want to.

- Trent says no.
- Trent smells so good.

I got this. I got this.

You heard the lady. The
diamond belongs to Candace.

Oh, yeah? What are you going
to do about it, big boy?

Ha! He called me big boy.

Sorry, but you're never getting this back.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go show my art.

And my art is what I call my dong now.

Trent, you're on the main stage
in five minutes.

- Kevin?
- Nice moves. Love the new stuff.

That's right. Your degenerate
drug-dealing nemesis

finally had to go
and turn his life around.

Now you gone and ruin the thong song for me, too?

You guys can look but only I can touch.

I'm actually just kidding.

There is an alley out back where anything
goes, if you know what I mean

Where are you guys going?
The alley is this way.

Ladies, ***
get those dollars back out.

Where's Leslie?

She's at an adult strip club looking at
hot, sexy men who are not you.

Damn it. Women are complicated.

Ah, there he is. All right.
My big dog, my BFF.

Look, I understand why you're upset, you
know, moving out of the house and all.

But I want you to know, I'm
never gonna move out of here.

I mean for gods sakes,
we're J-Ball and D-Town.

I mean there's always going to be a little
J in you and a lot of D in me.

Okay, well, we've done it, we've
had the worst conversation of all time.

You know what?

It is okay. I'm no even
upset you are moving out

That's interesting because your pants
are on fire yet you're a liar, liar.

I spent all day dividing up our stuff.

Most of it was pretty obvious. I mean all
the make up is yours

Tinted sunscreen! God! Danny...

Look, just admit that
you're going to be sad.

Look, why don't you get off my butt?
Who am I, Kanye West?

Let me ask you this question.

In two weeks when you walk
into that empty room and I'm not

there, what are you going to do?

Well, I'm probably going to be on my Nordic
Track because that's where that's going to go

So I'll be doing a lot of this.

We need to stop those guys from fighting.

I know. We really need to
figure something out.

Call me when you've figured it out.

- Wait, I don't have your phone number.
- I know.

Bursk, do you have her phone number?

I don't have anyone's number.

Sorry, got a lot of time
now that you're gone.

I can't believe I have to say
this, but can you stop with the

Nordic Track? What is that around your neck?

It's a towel.

All right. If you're going
to act like that...

Sorry, I put a Bow-flex right
next to it in your room.

- Let me get this straight...
- Regular treadmill. I do it last.

So when I move out, you're just...

Emergency stop. Anyway, what's up?

So when I move out, you're
just going to get in wildly good shape?

- Yeah.
- You know what..?

I saw that last scene with
her ex-boyfriend Trent,

and I was like, I got
to get my body better

If you're going to be acting like this,
maybe I'll just move out now.

- Yeah, well you should...
- Maybe I will

- Good!
- Great!

- Awesome!
- Fantastic!

- Superb.
- Spectacular.

- Stupendous.
- Super!

- Bellisimo!

It's actually good when
they get quiet. It means they

forgot what
they were fighting about.

- Moving out!
- Yes, that's right! I'm moving out.

- No, I'm moving...
- Oh yeah, you're moving out

- and I don't care.
- Danny, well if you don't care then...

then you know what? I'll
be gone in the morning.

I hope you're happy.

Hey, you don't get to slam the
door on me. I do that to you.

My bar. I get to do the last door slam.

Oh, yeah?
What about this?

What about this! How about this!

No, this!

Moving out.

Right!

So Trent wouldn't give the diamond back?

- Tell me how that went down.
- It was dimly lit.

I mean apart from the disco ball.

There were beautiful naked men everywhere.

Tongues. And oil. So much oil.

I could still picture it now.

Brett, are you okay?

Are we? Are we not doing
flashbacks anymore?

I for one, I'm not giving up.

Let's steal that diamond back.

Steal a diamond out of a guy's mouth?

How dumb can he be?

Huh, let's just put it this way. For a
year I was Trent's oregano dealer.

So you're telling me that you
want me to flirt with Trent...

Rub up against him, let his sweat
slowly drip down me.

- Wrap my arm around him...
- Now nobody said...

I'm not finished yet.

Grab his face, make out with him,
steal the diamond with my tongue?

Fine. I'll do it.

I won't like it... God, I'll love it.

Hey, I'm tired of pretending
that we're not together anymore.

Sorry. I know you told everyone
that we only went on one date.

But we've gone on a lot of dates

We just spent the night at that
Lake Michigan at a bed and breakfast.

And no! Excuse me, miss, I
did not tell our friends

about it 'cause you made me promise not to,
but they knew anyway.

- You know why that is?
- Because you actually did tell them?

You're damn right I did, yeah!

He sent pictures of you sleeping.

I got to say, girl, that mouth
guard? Not cute.

Straight up, I'm not going
to apologize about that

'Cause guess what? I'm proud to be with you.
I wanted us to happen for the

past three years so I'm not
going to lie about it anymore.

Listen, no, hold on, hold on...

Were you going to kiss me,
because I was still...

- We good?
- I'm in.

- Alright
- Oh!

Okay. I'll allow this.

But if you make one straining
noise we're breaking up.

We should go.

Sorry, Justin!

Oh, man!

- Someone should really fix that. I mean..
- This bar's falling apart.

We still need somebody to kiss Trent.

What do you say, Charlotte? For Candace?

- No, I'm not even...
- That's Trent.

I'll do it.

You're so upset about Danny.

You know what we could do
to cheer you up?

Let's do that thing where we
pretend that we're a couple

that's been married for 50 years
and we're still crazy in love. Come on.

Get over here, huh, 'cakes?

I'm coming for you, stud muffin.

***

Almost there.

I'm sorry, sweetie. Usually this gets
me going. My heart's just not in it.

Man, this fight with Danny's killing him.

Crazy, Danny's been moping
around all day too

Oh, please. They're grown men.

They're moping around all emotional like
some Back Street Boys video from the '90s.

In this back alley
pretty much anything goes.

But why do we need to make out right now?

Because you're Trent, and you're awesome.

Right. That makes sense.

Where's your stud?

Oh... That's because I just
wear this for fun, dude.

- I'm off work.
- Oh, God.

- So anyways...
- Oh, yuck!

Hey, Charlotte said Trent has
the diamond at his apartment.

She wants to know if she should
go back and sleep with him.

Excuse me. Tell her no.

I'm going to text back:
"go with your heart"

Well, I'm all packed. That's your rug.

I'm going to head down to the bar, close it
early so we celebrate the engagement.

You can still come if you want.

You know what? That
sounds like a good idea.

Uh oh! Looks like my hand thinks otherwise

You know, if you change
your mind, just... tell me.

What's that?

I got something in my throat. I'm sorry.

- My mistake.
- That's okay.

Sorry?

I have something stuck in my head
Go ahead. See you later.

I'm on my way out. Heading down to the bar.

Party with friends. So...

What was that? My bad.

- I'll see you guys down there.
- Yeah, yeah yeah...

Yeah!

We'll see you on TV because
I have the TiVo. Later...

What's wrong with you?

All right.

Dude. Close the door. I'm not going. Okay?

I'm sorry. I thought the wind blew that in.
Are you sure?

Yeah.

Sorry. Just sometimes,
you know, fate takes over.

Right, right, right. Mostly we just got
to do what the script says. Thanks.

Save the lecture.

Okay? Save it. Save the lecture.

I'm not going to do it. I'm
just going to fast forward

through all the parts that are
going to bore me to death.

You know what? You should be happy for
Justin. He's your... oh, my God, I can't

believe what you're doing,
I'm so disappointed in you.

Goodnight, Danny.

Let's get high and watch wrestling.

Well, he is right, that is what I
say first thing in the morning

Danny, Justin is your best friend.

Okay? It is okay to be hurt
that he's leaving.

Don't you understand that this
is just a trick anyway?

All these boxes are empty.

Look. See?

- What?
- It's all his khakis.

He really is leaving.

Come on. I know it is scary to admit
how you feel about someone.

Look how long it took me to
own up to my feelings about Burski.

But now I can look you right in

the eyes and say: "I like Burski?"

You just said it in the form of a question.

No, I really do. Okay? There.

Now you need to be honest about Justin.

Let me put this in a way I know
you'll understand.

You have been an emotional grower
and you need to be an emotional "show-er"

He's your best friend. And I don't think
you've ever even told him that. Have you?

In my defense, I have a
really good reason not to.

- Why?
- Because he wants me to so bad.

Alright, I'm so disappointed in you.
Good night, Danny.

You want to get high and watch wrestling?

Thank you guys so much for being here
to celebrate. It really means a lot.

And, Charlotte, I'm so glad
your son is here with us.

Yeah, me, too.

It's not that I like you.
I just couldn't find a sitter.

- Hey, guys... to Candace and Justin.
- Hear, hear

Baby, you going to say something?

Yeah. No.

To the uh, happiest day of my life.

Did he say happiest day or last day?

This is tearing you up.

You know how you said that you
were going to do anything for me?

You go out there, you get Danny!

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, guys.

I just got here. Where's Justin?

You just missed him. He
went out looking for you.

Let me see if I can catch him.

I just got your text. Where's Danny?

He was just looking for you, man.

Damn it!

And wait for it.

Charlie, I just got your
text that Justin is here.

But I just saw him running past me.
Which one should I trust?

Go! You idiot.

Danny, I love you. And I know that
it's hard for you to take that...

Listen, listen, stop, alright?

Let me go first. Okay?

Shelly, why don't you tell Justin
where I was while I go wash up?

Oh, I'd love to. Gather around,
everybody, and hear a fantastic tale.

Now, after I told Danny that we

couldn't get your ring, he took
upon himself to go to the strip

club and get it back from Trent.
But when he got there, Kevin and

Trent were so nervous because
there were some big-name

stripper talent scouts in
town from the big leagues.

You know, Will, Tampa.

I know you know.
I know you know your strip clubs, man.

Well, when they got there,
their third partner was missing.

And what happened next will go
down in male stripper history.

Guys, if we die tonight, I just want the
world to know we died doing what we love.

Listen, I don't want the world or
anyone to know that I was here tonight.

Okay? Also, why would we die?

- I love you guys.
- Well, I hate both of you.

Sounds like we're ready. Let's do this.

Three, two, one... Hit it!

Danny, do whatever Trent does.

- He's the best in the county.
- I understand.

- That doesn't look that good.
- Look at him, he's fluid in motion.

That's really not that good. I'll try.

He's my mentor.

The belt stays on, the pants come off.

What a story!

Hey, Danny, when you get
back from the bathroom,

you have to let us know
whether or not you got that ring.

Okay, sure, yeah, let me
just... let me just uh...

take a breath, man. These
flashbacks are exhausting.

So anyway, turns out the
scouts really loved what I did,

and so did the... so did the audience so...

Yeah. Anyway... oh.

And so... bright future. So,
turns out that because I got

your ex back to Tampa, he
decided to give me this.

What?

Whoa. What's that dusty old trinket.

- It's my grandma's ring.
- It's so pretty!

I can't believe you did that for me.

Well, I didn't just do it for you.

I did it for... you.

Because you're my best friend.

- Did you just call me...
- I did.

This is ridiculous, Justin.

- I thought I was your best friend!
- Scott...

You told me I was your best friend!

TV's Scott Foley.

I won't take this, I won't take this.
You owe me a phone call and an apology.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Babe, I think you know
what you have to ask him.

- Go on, you know you want to.
- Yeah.

Look. Sorry about TV's Scott Foley.

Disgusting thing. I
don't want to get into it.

He is a jealous person. I get it.

Look, you know you're my best friend.

Okay? I know that, you know that.

But you know what I need? A best man.

You know what? You got it, baby bird.

So, when are you two kids
going to get married, huh?

Oh, I don't know. Summer, fall?

Just definitely not this season.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

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