All language subtitles for The Office US s06e08 Koi Pond.eng

Welcome,children

of the scranton industrial
park communities!

Yay!

Join your gangster pumpkin

on his pallet truck of doom.

Don't worry about a thing.

Rest assured you will see me later!

We are doing a haunted
house this halloween,

which is actually kind of spooky,

because,as legend has it,

on this very site there used to be

a productive paper company.

I am going to scare these kids so bad.

This is the spookiest
warehouse in the world,kids.

You don't believe me?

Just take a look.

Scary,huh?

This is a surgery with...

An octopus and a burn victim.

Black widow.

Leeloo from the fifth element.

Look,nobody told me what
people were,all right?

So label yourselves
or take what you get.

I vant to sell your blood!

That's really not the
trend in vampires right now.

Here is an old man and a goth dude,

and then the old crone
from drag me to hell.

I'm a hobo.

I asked for a list.

And a clown.

I'm jigsaw,idiot.

You're not as scary
as bookface over there.

Yes,I am the popular
social networking site

known as bookface.

Okay,kids,you all have been so good

and unbelievably patient,

so I think you are gonna get some candy!

Yay!

Kids,just remember,

suicide is never the answer,all right?

Why is christmas the only
holiday that can have a message?

It is the easy way out.

You are not alone.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Who wants candy?

And then,I think I'm going to go

to the garlic festival.

Sounds like fun.

You guys would love it.

They have a tcby booth.

- Cool.
- Same stuff you get downtown.

- Mm-hmm. - Do
you like tcby?

Who doesn't?

I can't believe it's...

I can't believe it's yogurt.

Oh,it'll be fun.

I confirmed with raskin design,

and they're expecting the
both of you in an hour.

Actually,it's just gonna be me.

They said the both of you.

That's a mistake.

You should give 'em
a call,check that out.

All right. Just clear this up.

Well,there's actually been
a few changes in the company,

and michael and I are
actually at the same level,

so I get... No.

No,why would that be a problem?

Jim is a good kid.

He can handle a lot,

but sometimes you have
to call in a master.

I,uh...

Why would you date an amateur

when you could date a professional?

Great. See ya then.

Wha... What?

They said that they would feel

more comfortable if you came along.

Why don't they just want
you to go by yourself?

Why do they want me to come,too?

I don't understand.

- I absolutely don't understand,either.

I don't want you to feel

like I'm babysitting you or something.

All right.All right.

Let me go get your stroller.

Sure,michael's a good teacher.

A teacher is someone

who stands right next
to you your whole life

and never lets you do anything.

That's what a teacher is,right?

- What are you gonna call him?
- Dave.

- No,what is his name?
- Dave.

Mr. Borchard. They're very formal.

Yeah,I've spoken to them on the phone.

Yeah,well,this is not the phone.

This is real life,baby,

and you gotta own it.

Is that what you are wearing?

Yes,it is.

And that is the watch
that you are going to wear?

No,it is not.

You should wear this watch.

I will loan it to you.

It is a tankard.

I highly recommend you wear that.

No,thanks.

- They are into
style. - Mm-hmm.

- They are into appearance.
We are selling success.

And paper.

That's sort of secondary.

Nope.

no.

He's trying to
micro-co-manage me.

Or co-micromanage... Me.

- Here we are outside...
- W.b.

The wilkes-barre industrial park.

Industrial p.

Makin' cold calls.

The two people with the lowest sales

in the quarter have to do them.

**

***

Yeah,I was gonna sing that part.

I know. Now you don't have to.

Well,except it was gonna
resolve the melody,so...

Now my head hurts.Feels
like I held in a sneeze.

I hate this feeling.

all right.

Hi,any messages?

You're soaking wet.

Oh,well,jim and I got caught

in a little flash... Rain,

flash winds,flash lightning.

Wow. Sounds scary.

It was,it was.

And then in an instant,it wasn't.

Why isn't jim wet?

I... Outran it.

I don't think it rained.

My hip would be throbbing.

It rained.

Michael,can I get you
something... A towel,some cocoa?

Nothing.

Cocoa.

I'll just leave that
suit in your office then?

Good. Yep.

Must be nice to have
company on these cold calls.

We're kind of a dynamic duo.

Or trio.

How exciting!

Do you guys know the sex yet?

Oh,no. No.

We're not together.

No,no,no. Definitely not.

Definitely not.

No,we just work together.

Looks like somebody's got
a case of the "definitelys."

Um,michael?

The custodian from raskin
design is on the line.

He said they found your
keys in the kol pond.

O
- kay,thank you.

Did you say kol pond?

Yeah.

Michael,people are asking questions.

Okay,put them on speaker.

Hey,guys,what's goin' on?

Hey,michael,did you
fall into a kol pond?

Uh,can't really hear you.

I think we have sort
of a bad connection.

Jim,did michael fall into a kol pond?

It's like michael said.

It was,um,some... Something else.

It was... Okay,this is what it was.

It was these bunch of idiots

that had put a fish tank in the ground

with no cover and no railing.

- So you fell in.
- No!

Maybe I was trying to save
a child that had fallen in.

So a child had fallen in?

Not yet!

That is hilarious.

No,it... Don't. I'm not gonna bump!

I'm not gonna bump,and
it was not hilarious.

It was very,very terrifying.

Truthfully,it wasn't the way he fell in.

It was how long it took him to get out.

And we'd like to offer you
15% off your first purchase

as our way of welcoming you to the area.

Well,that sounds like
a really nice deal.

Sha-bow.

And I must say,that since
we are a family business,

it's nice to see that you are,too.

Oh! No... Wow!

You thought that... Oh,my gosh.

Oh,definitely not.

My mistake. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Nah,actually,it's kinda not okay.

Um,I date models.Face models.

My girlfriend,on a
scale of one to gisele,

uh,a nine.

That's... That's good for you.

Anyway,we also have a
special on envelopes.

Pam's carrying our surrogate,

because my girlfriend needed

to keep her figure for fashion week,

so we,uh,we put our baby in pam.

It doesn't matter what pam looks like.

Yeah.

You were way meaner to
me than I was to you.

No,I wasn't,okay?

The very idea of us together

made you burst out laughing

like you just bit into

an adam sandler and jelly sandwich.

You blew the sale,you idiot!

Let me tell you something.

I was never gonna make that sale.

Erin,do we have any of those
clips that hold paper together?

Staples?

Uh,david wallace called.

Oh,he did? What did he say?

He heard you made a big
splash at the meeting.

Oh,my god,that was so mean what
I just said,and I didn't mean it.

It was kevin and
meredith put me up to it.

Okay.

I'm gonna kill you.

Michael,don't listen to them.

Thank you,stanley.

You just ignore their carping.

Okay.

- Michael!
- Yes?

A carp is both a fish and
a term for complaining.

They're mocking you with wordplay!

Hey,boss,did you find nemo?

I can name pixar movies,too.

Toy story.

Don't you mean kol story?

When you fell in,did you flounder?

Good one,phyllis.

- Michael,flounder is both a kind of a fish...
- I know what a flounder is.

I'm not usually the butt of the joke.

I'm usually the face of the joke.

I wish jim had fallen into that pond.

Then he'd have to put on my
suit,and it would be too short,

and he'd look...

Damn it,he'd still look good.

The most fundamental thing
about sensitivity training

is that you cannot make fun of a person

for something or some action

that they have done that they regret.

Show of hands.

Who here has been kol-ponded?

Who here has been the butt of a joke

that has gone too far?

- Phyllis.
- Michael,you make fun of us every day.

- Uh...
- Yeah,every single day.

You never said anything.

- Uh,we have countless times.
- Well,it is hard to tell the difference

between you guys saying stop
because I want you to stop,

or stop as in,"stop! You're
making me laugh so hard.

"what you're doing is so funny.

"you're on a roll,I am busting a gut.

Stop!"

that's never been the case.

We are going to make a
"do not mock" list,okay?

Anything that we think
might be out of bounds,

we put on this list.

Anything you put on this list,

you cannot be teased about.

Got it?

I'm gonna kick it off.

Let's see what I have
to put on the list.

Right? Okay.

I also have fallen into the fountain

at the steamtown mall.

Okay,who else? Who else?Dwight,come on.

I don't want people
making fun of my nose.

Your nose?

It's too small.

Right.

Oh,my,that is small.

Just write it down,please.

Can you breathe okay?

What keeps your glasses on?

Hey,it's on the list,everybody.

No,I haven't finished writing.

Did you sneeze it off?

That's it! No more.

Okay,who else? Who else?

Everybody's going to get their chance.

I don't want people
making fun of my weight.

Okay,that's too broad.It's
gotta be something else.

How about your stomach?

Yeah?

Meredith?

I don't want to say it out loud.

Okay,fine. Come on up here.

Write it yourself,

and don't sign your name to it,

and nobody look.

Everybody look away.Look away.

Well,I really didn't want
to put it on the board,

but I thought maybe it was
gonna come out somehow,so...

What are you gonna do?

Okay.

That is our sales pitch,

and we are stickin' to it.

Well,you two are quite the salesmen,

and a very cute couple.

Well,it's...

Thank you. Thank you.

Some couples don't
seem like a good match,

but you two do.

Well,you know.

Yeah,you know,two peas in a pod.

We complete each other.

What can I say? She loves to cook...

He loves to eat.

I love to dance.

I love to watch him dance.

Right,sometimes i'll just dance

for hours in the living room...

And I'll watch him.

And a baby on the way?
You must be so excited.

Mmm. Yes.

Yeah,we are thrilled.

In fact,we spent the whole weekend

researching various birthing coaches.

- Wasn't that fun,honey?
- It was,sweetie.

Oh,I know the best teacher.

Her name's Miss janet.

Yeah,on clearview avenue.

Yeah!Yeah.

This sounds ridiculous,I know,

but some people say that
I eat like a squirrel.

So now you're comparing
yourself to a cute,tiny animal?

Um,michael? Hmm?

The custodian called again.

Apparently,a kol has died.

It's a fish.

They want you to pay for it.

It could have died of
natural causes,though.

Well,they said you stepped on its head.

He did not suffer.

Um,when is the funeral?

Do not mock,oscar. Do not mock.

How much do they want?

$300. What? No.

I could get a fish
for a five-cent worm.

Oh,you're paying way
too much for worms,then.

Who's your worm guy?

Okay,great meeting,everybody. That's it.

No,no. Thank you.

No! We are not done here.

This...

One of the baby books suggests the
best birthing posture is on all fours

like an animal.

I just wish I had a special telephone

so I could find out exactly what
the little soybean wants,right?

Hey,li'l soybean,what do you want?

Right. How do...

It... I felt a kick.

- Oh,that's great.
- Oh,my gosh,like a little magical foot

just high-fived me.

Yeah. Well,that'll happen.

Oh,my gosh.

It's like he's trying to say,

"i love you,too,daddy."

I love you,too.

Sometimes we're so excited,

we forget where we are...

Mmm! Like at a business meeting.

Message received,lil' soybean.

I think you just gotta
ride this one out,man.

No,jim,you don't understand.

Things like this just don't die.

Kids in high school
still call me ponytail.

- No,they don't.
- Yes,they do,jim.

Because of the time I got my ponytail

stuck in the power drill.

Maybe if you make fun of
yourself,it'll all go away.

I want to make fun of you right now.

Really? Do it.

I am a big,stupid goofball.

No,don't do that. You're not.

You're not stupid.

See?

Oh,my god.

Hey,I...

I just want to say

that I cannot believe

that I walked into a kol pond.

I mean,seriously,walk much?

Oh! I should wear a snorkel

to the next business
meeting that I go to.

Michael,you know,when
you think about it,

it's not all your fault.

I mean,who puts a kol pond in a lobby?

Well,you know what?
You're right,phyllis,

but I've been there before.

I've seen that pond.

This is the thing,I
am a world-class moron.

Michael,please,stop it
now.You're embarrassing yourself.

It's okay. We're having fun.

It's actually not the first time
I've been embarrassed by a pond.

Well...

In high school,the
girl's volleyball team

always used to throw
me into the frozen lake.

Four years in a row.

Ha! Ohh! It was freezing!

No,no,no!

Oh,this is even worse.

Couple of weeks ago,I went
to get a new cell phone,

and I wanted one of those packages

where you have the five...
You know,the friends,

friends and family thing?

And the guy was like,"who
are your five friends?"

and I'm like,"uh... "

I didn't even know!

I couldn't even think.

Oh,my god! It was so embarrassing!

That was,well...

I don't even have
jan's cell phone number,

and I hate her!

She won't give it to me.

It's like,oh,well,I guess I'm a loser.

A
loo-hoo-hoo-hoo-ser!

Too far!

God!

Thanks a lot,man.

Thanks for the advice.

Enjoying your nut?

Why?

I'm not mocking.I was
just making an observation

about her... Nut.

I was.

Hey,who wants to watch
michael's pond dive?

My roommate's friend is the
night janitor over there.

He swiped the security tape for me,

and he's bringing it over.

Mmm,you know what?Maybe we
should go easy on michael,guys.

You know,you watch that tape,

and you're gonna have to stay late
for more sensitivity training,so...

We'll stay late.

Well,that went pretty well.

Yeah,I guess.

We got a maybe. Was our first maybe.

Going by the nard-dog
curve,i'd say we nailed it.

If I'm being completely honest,I
could have done without the belly kiss.

You know what? I'm sorry,

'cause in that moment,

I knew I was kissing
your belly too much.

- Yeah,way too much.
- Yeah.

I mean,what the hell was that?

What the heck was that?

When you cried.

Ahh! Try "almost cried," okay?

I just got caught up in the fantasy.

Your fantasy involves

comparison shopping birthing classes?

No. I know I'm gonna go with Miss janet.

I just...

I don't know,it was
fun to role-play,right?

I mean,it's fun for me,

having a wife and a little baby.

I'm so sick of being single.

Well,are you dating anyone?

What do you think of erin?

I mean,she's... She's kinda cool.

You think I can do better?

I gotta get my goin' out on.

Hey,let's watch this thing!

Whoa! Oh,whoa,okay.

Yeah,we're not watching this.

How can we not watch this?

What happened to "do not mock"?

We're not mocking. We're watching.

That will inevitably lead to mocking.

Well,we'll deal with it as it comes.

Is this the tape of me falling?

Yes,put the dvd in.

Open up quicktime.
It starts on the song.

No,use quicktime.
Trust me,I've done this.

Guys,michael can't handle this,

and as your boss,I'm saying
we're not watching it.

No,it's okay. Watch it.

He can't fire all of you.

What are you doing?

It's all right. I can handle it.

No. I am a grown-up,jim.

Shh! It's on.

There they come.

Boom!

Did... Did you see that? See what?

Wait,why'd you stop it?

Oscar,yes,you're right to stop it.

Thank you. Eject it.

Jim,you let michael fall in.

Play it again.

He purposefully leaned
away and let you fall.

Oh,man.

I think when I started to see
you go in,I think I just froze.

I don't think you froze.

It's a killer new dance move.

Do you want to talk in your office?

no.

I didn't ask you.

Would you like to talk?

Judas.

Jim is my enemy,

but it turns out that jim
is also his own worst enemy.

And the enemy of my enemy is my friend,

so jim is actually my friend.

But because he is his own worst enemy,

the enemy of my friend is my enemy,

so actually,jim is my enemy.

But...

I should have grabbed you.

I'm sorry.

Look,I thought I could have
done today's sales call alone.

I mean,I may never be as
good a salesman as you are,

but I at least need the
chance to do the job.

Jim is jealous of me?

Jim is jealous of me.

Hey,what's up,lifeguard?

Oh,jim,I think I'm in your way.

Oscar's a douche.

No,he's all right.

No,he's a...

Yeah,he's all right.

Okay.

- Thanks,michael.
- You're welcome.

Whoa! Almost fell.

Hey,erin,do you mind faxing this for me?

Oh,sure. Wait. Hand
them to me upside down,

so I don't accidentally read them.

Okay.

Thanks. Mm-hmm.

How did today go by the
way?Did you make any sales?

No,it was a total waste of time.

Um,it was fun,though,

because I got to spend
the day with andy bernard.

He's really cool.

Yeah,he is.

Yeah,he is.

He's like the coolest
person I've ever met.

That's... Right.

He's like marlon brando.

Oh. Do you mean marlon wayans?

'cause he is.

I actually do mean marlon wayans,yeah.

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