Original subtitles

And bam, the guy came out of nowhere.

You know how quiet those priuses can be.

It was parked.

- Parked quietly. - Uh-huh.

I don't know what's going on with me this week.

First, there was the parking ticket.

Then it was the incident at the shoe store.

What incident?

Well, I was having feelings, and so I bought some shoes.

- Oh, boy. - More than "some."

An entire section. Bill's coming.

But before you say anything,

I'm gonna pay for it with my own money.

What are you talking about? How you gonna...

I was thinking that maybe

- to earn, I... - Oh, no.

Please don't tell me you're gonna do the purse thing again.

- Thing? - Hobby?

Business? Because it broke even.

- Even? - Almost even.

Oh, don't worry. I'm not gonna make new ones.

I just thought I'd sell the ones I have left over.

You know what? Let's have a garage sale!

No. Honey, we don't have to sell off our old junk, okay?

I'll just pay for the repairs. My money is our money.

Our money is my money. That feels worse.

Uh, the money... Okay, it's just money

that we have... we're gonna have a garage sale.

Yeah.

So while people are picking through our old crap in the front yard,

you might wanna give the heads-up to the other aliens

to stay inside, maybe keep the strange to a minimum.

Yes, 'cause there's nothing strange about humans picking through your old crap.

Ba-zing!

Oh. Dick's been watching reruns of your old late night talk shows.

He's decided he wants to be a sidekick someday.

- Hey-o! - Help me, Debbie Weaver.

I'm one ba-zing away from blowing my brains out.

Well, Jackie, I could use your help dealing with the money for the sale.

I have this mental block with business.

My whole family has it.

And yet every one of them wanted to start their own business.

Yeah. My dad drive two different companies into the ground,

and my brothers helped him. We're bad with numbers.

Last time they tried to figure out a tip,

it took so long they had to stay for a second meal.

(Slurps)

Uh-huh. So, Jackie, what do you say?

I'd love it if you worked the cashbox.

(Gasps) Work? I'd love to work.

Don't be absurd. You're a female.

You can't work outside the home.

You know, for an evolved species, your idea of gender roles is very outdated.

Actually, Debbie, it's a matter of safety.

Zabvronian females lack a skin enzyme

that we males are born with.

As a result, on our planet,

the women can't go outside the house

or they get burned alive by our atmosphere.

(Imitates explosion)

Well, Larry, women can go outside on earth, so...

Oh, doesn't mean they have any business in the workplace.

Men are better at it.

We command more respect. We are born leaders.

Put a cork in it, four-eyes.

I'd love to sell your old crap,

and you can't stop me.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee, everybody!

And now a word from the good people at texaco.

S01E21 Mo Purses Mo Money Mo Problems

synced and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com

This is today?

We're having the sale now?

Wow, Marty,

you've really gotta start paying more attention around here.

Deb, there's way too much to keep track of. (Sighs deeply)

Okay, there's you, Amber, Max, Abby, aliens next door.

Everybody's got all these little things.

So a customer approaches,

and I'm supposed to see how much money I can get for this?

No, no, no, no, no. I wanna do these puzzles.

When are you gonna do the puzzles?

All right, you know how I'm always looking for that father and son thing to do with Max?

Maybe doing puzzles is our thing.

- It's not our thing. - It's gonna be our thing.

You can't just pick a thing!

Our thing has been picked. So now move. Go!

- (Gasps) Ooh, Jackie. - Mm?

- I think we have our first customer. - Oh!

Hi.

This is quite the racquet you've got here.

It's not a racket, sir. It's a garage sale.

And everything is completely above board!

The racquet.

I'll give you ten bucks for it?

Grandma's painting of Max.

Somebody, this will be evidence in a trial.

(Laughing) Amber Weaver, you make me laugh,

even when I know I shouldn't.

(Continues laughing)

There's my favorite boyfriend!

Oh! (Giggles)

Great painting.

(Stifling laugh)

What?

Nothing. It's an inside joke.

But we're outside, so it's an outside joke.

(Giggles) (Groans loudly)

(Horn honks)

Oh, my God. Why is Jeremy here?

(Car door closes) Because he's your boyfriend.

No, they broke up.

What? You didn't tell me that.

It's totally over.

Everyone knows it. He just won't go away.

He's like "American idol."

(Laughing) Yes?

I got good news for you, dude.

I'm ready to take you back.

I have bad news for you, ma'am.

I broke up with you.

It's over, Jeremy.

Amber, we can work this out.

You said you like "American idol."

Shh!

Please, dad. Puzzles are so boring.

Max, when we finish, we're gonna put a layer of glue on it,

- we're gonna hang it on the wall... - I'm done.

Wow.

Well, that was fun. See ya.

No, no, no, no. Wait, Max.

You want me to do the other one?

No, the point isn't how fast we can do it.

- The point is... - Done.

How did you do that?

(Whispers) That's insane.

No. I'm not going above 8%.

Are you looking for anything in particular?

- Ooh. I did not like that. - You're not gonna screw me.

Go find somebody else to sell your cheap dumb quilts, mom.

(Disconnects call) Uh...

Can we help you find something?

Stop. Purse. Love.

Oh. Thank you. (Exhales)

I made them myself.

It started out as something fun,

and then I tried turning it into a business.

- (Whispers) Wow. - But, um...

(Normal voice) That is really boring.

Not interested in your personal life.

What are these made of?

- My kids' old clothes. - Oh!

- These were Abby's old overalls... - Okay.

- Sewn in... - Sleeping. Eyes open, but I'm asleep.

Let me ask you a question.

I have a booth at the buyer's mart on Monday.

I could sell all of these.

I'll give you 25 bucks for all 11.

- $30 each. - What?

I said $30 each.

10 bucks each, but I need an extra 5 by Monday.

$25 each and she'll make you an extra 10.

Done.

It's really wonderful to see women supporting one another.

I know. It's a sense of community...

Okay, she's walking away.

Oh, my God, Jackie! (Laughs)

- You were amazing! - I love business!

How much for this lanyard bracelet?

$146,000.

This is what my life's been missing, Jackie. (Scanner beeping)

I feel like myself again, doing what I went to school for.

You went to school for talking about yourself?

- No. Design. - (Whispers) Oh.

I knew this business could be something.

It was just missing an important ingredient...

you.

Oh. We make a great team.

That'll be $535.

Uh-oh. Are we spending more than we're earning?

$25 times 11 purses,

and then we're gonna add the ten new purses,

and then carry the 5...

Ohh. This is what I inherit from my family...

not my mom's tight can, not my father's feet.

I hope I don't pass it on to my kids.

Oh, my God! Abby! (Gasps)

(Dials)

(Cell phone rings)

What's up, babe?

I totally spaced on Abby's Sunshine Scout meeting.

They're dropping the girls off any minute.

Watch 'em till I get there.

Oh, no, I can't, babe.

I'm all the way downtown at the puzzle store buying glue.

Okay, Marty, that is so sad I hope that is a lie

and that you're really at a strip club.

Nope. I'm at the Puzizzle Stizzle

getting more glizzle and some more puzizzles

'cause dick did 'em all.

(Beep) (Sighs)

Marty can't watch them.

Hello?

I'll call Larry. He's a man of leisure.

He never does anything.

Larry watchin' little girls?

What's that look like?

- Ohh. - Mnh.

We're supposed to be talking about badges.

What are we doing?

What your mothers are supposed to be doing...

preparing you for your future, little women.

This is how you will spend your days...

in the kitchen,

quietly waiting for your husbands to come home from work.

Don't... get... fat.

(Door closes) Girls?

I'm sorry. What's going on?

He said that we had to learn

how to wait for our husbands to come home.

What? Larry.

(Jackie) Great, Jill.

Well, we're very excited.

You've been so... hello?

Jill?

Okay.

Wonderful news.

I was able to up the price to $35 a purse.

- We're officially turning a profit. - Oh!

Larry, take a look at this.

- This is women working. - Mm-hmm!

We just have to get her 50 purses instead of 20 by Monday.

50 purses by Monday?

W... you said we needed more money.

Oh, Jackie, we're in way over our heads.

Oh. I'm not cut out for this.

No, no. It's my fault. I'm poison.

I'm no good with numbers! I'm no good with business!

- (Jackie) No, no, no! I should've asked. - Scouts, watch closely.

Women working.

- (Debbie) I failed once. I'm gonna fail again. - (Jackie) No, you're not.

And we are back.

Dick, stop sidekicking.

Jackie, I don't care if we have to stay up all night.

We are making those purses.

(Gasps) Ooh! (Opener rattles)

And here's the most important tool.

Larry, how you doing in there?

Riveted.

And now you braid the three braids

into one big braid.

(Scoffs) Good luck with that.

Like that?

Oh, my.

It's actually working...

braiding the braids.

That's really thinking outside the box.

Tanner, my God!

Is that a fishtail French twist? (Gasps)

Do you know how long I've been trying to teach Dick to do a fishtail French twist?

See? We can do stuff.

So can you please help us earn some badges

so we don't waste our whole day?

Oh, I want to say "no,"

but your 12 little eyes are working overtime.

Even Tanner's lazy one is pulling at my heartstrings.

Is she looking at me? Is she looking at the wall?

I don't know and I don't care.

Ladies, to your feet.

Perhaps with a man in charge... (Door closes)

this troop can make something of themselves.

Hey, Lar. You guys wanna help us do some puzzles?

Guess again, asshat.

Come on, lady army. Let's get our badges on.

He just call me "asshat"?

Okay.

(Mouths words)

(Thud) Ow!

And we are...

Done! (Gasps)

49 to go.

We're never gonna make it!

Not a chance in hell.

(Exhales deeply)

Maybe Larry bird was right.

We just aren't cut out for work.

Oh, well, don't go there. This isn't about women working.

There are plenty of successful women in business...

- Oprah. - Oh, her network is a failure.

- Martha Stewart. - Jailbird.

Okay, Jackie, we're not failing because we're women.

We're failing because we're failures.

Now you're just trying to make me feel better.

And you're gonna make me feel better.

(Dance music playing) I've led many revolutions,

but never one through dance dance.

Husband, what are you doing? (Pauses game)

These beautiful creatures

have already earned four badges today,

and they did it with a joie de vivre

and a sense of silliness

that our boys have never come close to exhibiting.

Oh, husband, I'm so glad that someone is having some joie,

because you were right.

I should never have become involved in work.

I messed it all up.

I'm sure you didn't, Mrs. Joyner-Kersee.

Oh, that is so sweet.

You help each other.

You girls are wonderful.

I'll play solo against the computer.

(Resumes game) Ooh!

You're good.

Can't Dick just do this one also?

No. Then we don't feel that sense of accomplishment

when all the pieces fall into place.

Hey, baby.

Jeremy called. Three times. He came by twice.

(Amber) What?

What's the matter, kiddo? Can I help?

I don't know. Can you?

I'm trying to decide if I should settle for the guy who likes me

or go with the guy I really like

even though he's seeing someone.

What do you got?

Clowns.

You see? What was that?

Yeah, everything moves so fast around here.

I wish it would just slow down so I could see the whole field.

You know, like when you're in the zone in football.

You played football?

No, but I heard Dan Marino say it once,

and I thought it was awesome.

Maybe I should get Deb.

You sure? Because leaving it to mom

won't... (Deep voice) "Give you that feeling of accomplishment

when all the pieces fall into place."

Is that me? Yeah.

(Plays rimshot)

Trying out props.

(Doorbell ringing) (Jill) Hello?!

It's for me! I'll get it!

Hi! Well, hi.

Shh! Not you.

I say you get the procedure.

You won't have a face for 11 days, but when you heal,

you'll look like your own baby. All right, I gotta go.

My turn? I wasn't expecting you till Monday.

Like I care. Schedules change. Give me the purses.

- Okay, here's the thing... - Debbie Weaver!

Before you say another word, I have something to show you.

I think you'll both be very pleased.

It really is about women helping women.

Larry's scout meeting gave me the idea. Come see.

There was a problem with production at the beginning,

but I've solved it. Behold!

(Debbie) Oh, my God.

I was wrong.

Women should work.

- Oh, my God. - Uh-huh.

Their fingers are so little,

they can put the snaps on much more quickly.

(Pounds metal tabletop)

Please tell me these are very small 18 year olds.

Oh, my God. I'm running' a sweatshop.

O, no, no. Girls, stop. Just stop.

I am not a part of this. I was never here.

And you... this isn't my fault. Stop looking at me.

I'm looking at the wall.

The deal is off.

Jill, wait!

Okay. Good-bye, dreams.

Okay, girls, why don't you go back over to my house?

And I'll help you earn... (Garage door whirring)

the "how to lie to your parents about what happened here" badge.

I see sunlight.

Air. Sweet, sweet air.

Why is it so hot in here?

Makes their fingers more pliable.

Oh, my God.

I thought this would be a good thing.

We're solving our problem.

Totally changed my mind about women working.

They're not women, Larry. They're children.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna make some preemptive apology calls

to five sets of parents. And after that,

I'm gonna take a bath in chardonnay and cheese popcorn

while Marty says "I told ya so."

Adieu.

Hey, I got a piece. I got one, too.

Maybe puzzles really is our thing. (Chuckles)

We can do this. (Door closes)

Oh. Hey, girls.

I think I have carpal tunnel.

Hey-o! That's what she said!

Hey, buddy, sometimes less is more.

(Jeremy) Amber! Amber!

Seriously?! Hey! How are all men idiots?

All men are not idiots.

(Snaps) (Grunts)

I mean, well, not all men.

Yep. Idiots.

Dude, before you embarrass yourself,

I would just...

And I see I am too late.

Good God, man. Why am I on the hood of your car?

And why am I latina?

Technically, it's Selena.

The guys at the detail place only paint dead Latin pop stars,

and you looked more like her than ritchie valens.

Pretty romantic, right?

(Giselle) Hi, everyone!

Amazing paint job, Jeremy.

- I love Eva Longoria, too! - Thanks.

- You guys are back together. - Since when?

- Today. - You are completely insane.

Are you back together?

Dude, wait!

Dude, wait.

Dude, wait!

Amber! Just...

Hear me out.

I, like... miss us.

(Girls) Aw!

Really? I don't need a studio audience.

(Girls) Aw.

Jeremy, you have to listen to me.

There is no "us."

There's no "us"?

I mean, you.

That's great news.

Why is that great news?

(Amber) Which part is confusing? "Break" or "up"?

Amber, let me know if you need me.

Marty, there's no easy way to say this.

I have lost a lot of your money.

Our money. The money.

Please, Debbie Weaver.

I admit that the child slave labor might have been a misstep,

but don't give up on us.

Not on "bag hags."

I was trying out a new name. Sleep on it.

Bag hags.

Call it whatever you want. It's a failure, and so am I.

- I think... - Hello! A piece of the puzzle.

(Amber) I don't want to talk about it. (Jeremy speaks indistinctly)

- I don't want to talk about it. - Amber, why don't you like me anymore?

I'm out. No. No.

(Amber, Jeremy, Debbie, and Jackie talking at once)

The pieces are coming together.

(Voices slowing down)

(Two steps from hell's "starfleet" playing)

(All speaking inaudibly)

Stop!

I can see the whole field.

I am Dan Marino.

Debbie, your problem is not about making purses and money.

You wanna feel like you contribute to this family,

but you do, more than you can possibly imagine.

Really?

- Jackie. - Hmm?

You want a career,

and not because you won't explode on earth

- but because you're good at it. - I am.

Besides, you're gonna need the money because Larry...

- wants a daughter. - I do?

- You do? - I do.

Two pieces at once!

And, Amber, you're not gonna settle for Jeremy,

because even though he's seeing someone else,

Reggie is really the guy that you like.

- You do? - He is?

The last piece. We solved the puzzle!

It is our thing!

- We solved the puzzle. - Thank you, Mr. Weaver.

It's nice that someone was up front with me.

I just wish it'd happened before I spent $89.95

getting her painted on my car.

Oh. Come on.

I mean, clearly, the pressure of a high stakes puzzle

caused my father to lose his mind.

He has no idea what he's talking about.

Oh. (Exhales)

Wow!

That's... a relief.

Okay, Giselle,

let's go listen to some records or some crap.

Good-bye, Amber.

Okay. Bye. Friendly good-bye.

Friends saying bye.

I'll be right there.

Listen, Giselle, I really am sorry about all of...

Look, I'm not stupid.

I see the way you make him laugh.

I know you like him, and now he knows, too.

- But... - Not done.

Here's what you need to know...

I like him and I'm not going away.

I fight for the things I like.

I fought for season nine of "one Tree Hill,"

and I will fight for Reggie.

You mess with the bull, you get the horns.

(Door opens and closes) Oh, my God. She's crazy.

Hey. Hey.

We found this in the garbage and thought that you might still need it.

That's very sweet.

It's also dirty because it was on top of the spaghetti that we threw out last night.

Max, do you have something you wanna give your mom?

It's my allowance. It's for "bag ladies."

It's bag hags.

I just gave you my allowance. Let's be flexible with the name.

Deal.

$137 in nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Use it well.

If I could offer a name,

"Debbie's pursey cats."

If you hate it, that's cool.

I love it.

And here you go.

My checkbook is your checkbook. Okay?

We just wanted to say that we believe in you

and we would like to invest in your business.

(Whispers) Thanks.

I'm very touched.

Kids, I can't take your money.

And, Marty, I can't take your pity.

No, this isn't pity. It's greed.

You have something here, Deb. Okay?

And you're gonna figure out the business side.

You wanna know why? 'Cause you're smart

and you're creative, and most of all,

you have a great personality.

"Purse-onality"? Huh?

Come on. They're purses with personalities?

Oh, okay, pursey cat. What, that makes sense?

At least it's better than... (Deep voice) Purse-onality.

It's bag ladies!

- Bag ladies? - Yeah!

It's like a homeless company. What is that?

Yeah! I know! (Shouts indistinctly)

They're your children.

Put down the trans fats, Debbie Weaver.

I'll run your scout meeting today.

Oh, that is so sweet, but I really...

I insist. These girls are such a welcome relief from my sons.

Those innocent rays of feminine sunshine

brighten my day with their positive simplicity.

Girls! Uncle Larry's back.

I should be the spinner because I'm the prettiest!

As if, copycat!

You got that butterfly barrette because I had it!

You both have the wrong head shape for it!

Who ya talking to, googly eyes? We can't tell.

- Oh, real nice! - You're mean!

You left the trans fats in the kitchen. Enjoy the meeting.

This is my house! I'm the boss around here

and ya play by my rules!

- Debbie? - I don't wanna play your...

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