Original subtitles

You're wrong.

You've never been more wrong about anything in your life.

I can't even look at you right now.

Okay, you know what?

Can we just agree that Richard gere and Ryan gosling

are the same amount of hot?

- Fine. - Fine.

Good.

- Richard Gere is timeless! - He's so old.

Abby's got her sickness rhino.

I don't feel good.

Oh, baby, you're burning up.

- No school for you. - Lucky.

I'm not lucky. I'm dying.

Top o' the morning, weavers.

Is Abby ready to escort me to the bus stop?

Oh, sorry, Dick. She's not gonna make it today.

She got a cold.

And we lost him.

A cold is a common illness,

and Abby can't go to school today 'cause she's contagious.

See how disgusting she looks?

She can make other people look that disgusting, too.

Excuse me.

I gotta go do... Step aerobics.

Oh, baby, go back to bed, okay?

And I'm coming up soon. Go, baby. Go, go, go.

All right, listen up, everyone.

Let's try real hard not to get Abby's cold, okay?

You're the one who's gonna kiss her and get us all sick.

That's because I'm the one who has to take care of everyone.

I'm this family's Nurse Jackie.

You're this family's secret drug addict?

Okay, clearly, I've never seen "Nurse Jackie."

Yeah, she's a drug addict.

We've been told that there's a contagion in your house,

and we've come to ensure it doesn't spread to the community.

What?

We're here for the girl.

S01E12 Cold War

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Dick has informed me that Abby is "sick."

So we've come here to put her in an isolation tent.

She will fight off the contamination...

alone in this sterile vinyl encasement.

It's the Zabvronian way.

All right, honey, let's grab her and bag her.

You're not gonna bag our daughter, Larry.

Okay, guys, sit down.

She has a cold. A cold is not serious.

It just makes you feel gross and icky.

- Icky? - There's no cure,

so our job is to make Abby as comfy as possible

until she gets better.

We all have our own specific things that make us feel better when we're sick.

Yeah. With Abby, she...

Craves red meat.

And Max likes to watch Kermit sing "Rainbow connection" on a loop.

Oh. What about Amber?

- Nothing makes Amber feel better. - Mnh-mnh.

No, she just holes herself up in the room

and rings a bell when she needs something.

We leave the soup by the door,

knock twice, and haul ass.

You have to admit that nurturing does sound much more pleasant

than our isolation tents.

Back home, the one time that Reggie Jackson fell ill,

four elders had to hold me back

while he was led off to be tented.

- Honey... - And I... I'm telling a story.

Yes, I know, but you told me to tell you when you get rambly.

You're getting rambly.

Oh. Sorry.

So if you insist on exposing yourselves to the cold,

I must declare this home a quarantine.

Husband!

A quarantine it is!

Thanks for stopping by.

No, I don't think you understand.

Otherwise, you'd be much more startled.

You see, a quarantine means we won't be able to visit you

or even be in the same room as you.

It'll be very hard on you and yours,

because clearly, you've grown accustomed to our charms.

See you soon!

Come on.

Having never been exposed to the cold,

we don't know if we're able to catch it,

but we're not about to take any chances.

Can we catch the cold?

I literally just said I don't know

if we're able to catch the cold.

Billie Jean, are you texting again?

No.

Stop it, both of you.

Now, we will need to set up a perimeter

around the Weaver home.

Oh, husband, Debbie Weaver already told you

that the cold's not dangerous. It's merely a nuisance.

Yes, she also told me I'd enjoy her box set of "Will & Grace."

But the show is maddening.

I mean, just man up and kiss her, will.

What's stopping you?

Oh, father, I think Will is actually...

Yes, not now, Reggie, thank you.

Okay, sweetheart. Here is your meatloaf

with a side of flank steak.

No fork, huh?

Okay.

Next time, you can make it a little bit more rarer.

I like when I can taste the blood.

Okay.

Are you feeling any better?

- No. My head hurts. - Aw.

Can you kiss it?

Uh, well...

Yeah...

Oh, hold on. Hold on.

Hello?

Don't do it, Debbie Weaver.

Don't kiss the girl.

But she looks so sad.

Oh, hang on a minute, Larry.

Or don't. Whatever.

Hello?

Kiss her, Debbie Weaver!

Let me live vicariously through your nurturing.

I want to, but I can't afford to get sick right now.

Of course not. Think of the greater good.

Think of your baby.

She needs your impractical empathy.

Don't be weak. Don't be stupid.

She loves you. She needs you.

Thank you, mommy.

Totally worth it.

Totally worth it.

You just had to kiss her.

We live together.

There's no way of knowing how we all got sick.

Oh, my head is killing me.

- Your head, my head. - Oh, great. Here we go.

Oh, my God. I feel like I'm dying.

It's too soon. I didn't get a chance

to teach Max how to fish.

I didn't learn how to fish.

It's a cold, Marty.

Hey, sweetie. The last Weaver standing.

How you doing?

It got Amber. Oh, sweet lord, it got Amber!

Mama, I want a burger.

Kermit just ended.

Somebody restart Kermit.

- Oh, my God. - Honey, could you get me more soup?

All righty.

I will restart the video,

make you more soup, and fire up the grill.

Or I could have it raw.

Abby, bloodlust is a bad color on you, baby.

Ooh! Fizzy.

What are you doing, brother?

If I tell you, you have to promise not to breathe a word about it,

especially to father.

I've gotten excellent at lying.

Yesterday, I told the weavers I was going to do step aerobics,

and they ate it up like Sunday brunch.

Amber Weaver is sick,

and I'm going to make her better.

I'm going to cure the common cold.

Cool!

I'm going to work on my spins.

Show-off.

Nursie. What are you doing, mother?

If I tell you, you have to promise you won't tell anyone.

Especially not your father.

I'm a treasure trove of secrets this week.

Okay. Well, I am sneaking next door

to nurture the Weavers.

My lips are sealed.

Please, never wink again.

Oh, lord of Zabvron.

You're ruining Kermit for me.

Max, here's your tea.

It's hot. Blow on it.

Marty, here.

Mommy, are you okay?

- Well... - Mommy's fine, Max.

She doesn't have what daddy has.

Daddy has something much worse.

Honey, Amber needs tissues.

Are you serious? Can you go this time?

Baby, I really don't think you understand what I'm going through here.

I really think there's something wrong with me.

Oh, there's definitely something wrong with you.

That's what I said.

I'm going to do an inspection of the community.

Make sure no one has fallen ill.

Take your time!

I absolutely will not.

I have exactly half an hour of oxygen

before I have to breathe contaminated air.

One half-hour.

Is father gone?

All clear.

Is this subject day?

Yes. His name is janitor Raymond.

So, uh, where is this cold cure?

In my room.

I know a lot of people would say I'm crazy for coming here,

but...

But I feel lousy.

And if there's one thing I've learned

from 30 years of cleaning a high school crapper,

it's that you never underestimate

a nerdy Asian kid, eh?

Jackie, what are you doing here?

There's no time.

I have exactly 29 minutes to care for you.

What do you require?

- Chamomile tea. - More blankets.

My pillow, please.

Thank you, Mrs. Joyner-Kersee.

This is weird.

I'm collecting a sample of the virus to create a vaccine.

Now we wait for it to congeal.

Who's the girl?

Amber Weaver. She's sick, too.

After we make sure this works, I'm going to cure her cold.

I knew she was getting sick this morning.

Her cheeks were getting flushed.

They're usually pale, but not a bad pale.

More a beautiful, milky pale.

Oh, crap, I picked a Romeo instead of an Einstein.

Thank you, Jackie.

I feel like the drummer from Santana

is playing a solo on my brain.

Ooh. I have exactly four minutes

to get back home, lose the hat...

And practice my obedient wife face in the mirror.

- All right. - Jackie, it's so nice

having someone take care of me for once.

Well, it's my pleasure.

- One more thing? - No, there's no time!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I was hoping to get some more tea for my sore throat.

But I'll get it.

D... no...

Okay.

I'm back!

Come on, boil already!

Wife! Why aren't you greeting me?

Not my best entrance.

Poppet! Where are you, cupcake?

Wife! Reggie!

They're both doing step aerobics.

What?

But they're both at completely different skill levels.

Wait. Don't!

Dick.

Hey. No. Stop.

Dick, look, I don't mind you playing,

but please mind my shoes, okay...

Cupcake.

Dick said you were exercising.

Yes, I was. And now I'm sleeping.

You're all going to send me to an early grave.

Oh, don't be like that, muffin.

Don't just lie there moping in our water bed.

I know you think I'm being overly cautious,

but I'm responsible for the entire community.

And if anything should happen to you and the boys...

I know, husband.

Thank you for supporting me.

Well, that's what a good partner does.

I've got your back, l.B.

What was that?

What was that?

I said, "I love you"!

Oh. I love you, too.

Wait.

You didn't say "I love you."

You emitted one of their sickness gasps.

What music were you listening to while you were exercising?

- Santana. - Which album?

"Santana live."

- Name a song. - "Hear my santana."

Name all the songs.

"Let's go to santana," "The santana banana,"

"Santana me always," "Jingle bell rock."

Okay.

Liar!

Grappling hook!

Fine!

I went to take care of the Weavers, and it was wonderful!

I fluffed pillows, I boiled water,

I was a nurturing hero.

Great.

Now I have to set up an isolation tent in the backyard for you.

No. I am not getting in an isolation tent.

I will go back to the weavers'

to bask in the warmth of their germy camaraderie.

Fine. Go sniffle and wheeze with the phlegmy Weavers.

Fine. I will.

Were you even doing step aerobics?

How much of what you tell me is a lie?

"Jingle bell rock"... is that even a real song?

Now that one of our own has gotten sick...

We must take precautionary measures

to the next level.

We will be begging the entire Weaver home

until they're well again.

Now I will need five people on stakes

and five people on ropes.

Now just call out "team stakes" or "team ropes."

It's first come first served.

Or I'm happy to assign you.

Someone just tell him.

We don't want to tent the Weaver house.

Jackie has the cold, and she's fine.

Plus, she gets to wear Debbie's Fluffy bathroom robe.

I'd kill for ten minutes in that thing.

And we watched Debbie while we quarantined the house.

Nurturing looks wonderful.

We want to nurse our friends back to health.

Yeah.

Fine! Go!

Get sick!

I will take my two sons, and we will isolate ourselves!

Good riddance!

- Well, that was awkward. - I'll say.

Okay. Now you're cured.

How do you feel?

Nope. Not cured. Still feel like crap.

- But "e" for effort. - Darn it!

Let me try one more thing.

Look, I gotta get home to watch "wheel."

- Not before I find a cure. - Yeah, relax, kid.

Listen.

When my wife and I play the lottery,

she says to me, "Ray, if this is our month,

let's buy an island."

Uh, she read some article about how marlon Brando

used to have an island of his own.

It sounds wonderful, sir.

Yeah. Yeah, it does.

But odds are, I'm never gonna win the lottery.

So every month when I buy our lottery ticket,

I also get my wife a postcard

with a picture of an island on it.

And I put it on her nightstand,

and when she wakes up, we pretend we're there.

Face it, kid. You and I... we're no Brandos.

But I would give my Anne the moon if I could.

And you don't actually have to cure

the common cold for your girl.

Just make sure she knows you would... if you could.

Yeah?

Oh, father. Uh, this isn't what it looks like.

It looks like you're embracing a custodian with a cold.

Okay. It's exactly what it looks like.

I'm setting up an isolation tent for myself in the backyard.

I will be alone! I will be healthy!

And it will be glorious.

Honey...

- Marty, can you please just move your... - Honey! Honey, stop.

Come on, I need rest. I'm sleeping. Please.

I'm sick, too, Marty!

You're not the only one that feels like crap!

And you never help when we're all sick!

You just turn into a whiny, helpless baby!

But you're worse than a baby, 'cause you can talk.

But you can't do anything else!

So it's like you're old!

But you're still a baby! You're an old baby!

- You're Benjamin Button! - I'm Benjamin Button?

I have a very high fever.

What now?

We come to nurture.

- Who needs a blanket? - I'll get some soup going.

All right, Will.

Let's see if you finally get it together

and make a move on Grace this week.

More soup, coming up!

To help you feel better.

I brought you a care package.

To make you feel better.

Kind, loving fools.

This is a copy of your favorite magazine.

I cut out all the pictures of the "twilight" kids,

because I know they make you mad.

This is a tupperware of mashed potatoes,

because you always get a double helping when they serve them in the cafeteria.

And this is the one article of clothing I own you say doesn't suck.

I suspect you like the texture,

because sometimes you touch my arm when I'm wearing it.

Okay. I'll go now.

Hey.

I can't reach it.

Okay.

May I... Get anyone anything?

What did he say?

I don't know.

I said...

May I get anyone anything?

Oh, my beautiful and nurturing husband.

I knew you wouldn't be able to stay away.

Maybe I could make a pot of tea for the infected.

Where do you keep the tea leaves?

Oh, I'll show you.

No. No. You know what?

You stay, I'll go.

Honey...

I'm sorry I act like Benjamin Button every time I get sick.

It's just that you're so good at taking care of everyone,

it's hard not to take advantage.

I know. I'm like House M.D.

No. Honey, House is also a drug addict.

You have to watch more TV if you're gonna do references.

Okay.

I love you,

my sick, phlegmy Debbie Weaver.

Love you, too.

- Uh, honey, where do... - Oh, my God,

it's the second cabinet from the left!

I know that!

Are you sure you don't want to write down the formula?

What's the point?

Honey!

How you feelin'?

Oh, I don't know, babe. I still feel crummy.

I knew it, babe! Asian kids!

Yeah!

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