All language subtitles for Sexsquatch.2013.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP2.0.x264-TrollHD_HI

(epic theme music)

(creepy music)

- Greetings fear mongers and
welcome to Warlock Home Video's

presentation of the Sexsquatch.

This one's about an
over-sexed furry beast

that roams the
deep forest looking

for nubile teens to deflower.

Can the kids stop him?

Will the kids stop him?

You'll only find out if
you watch the Sexsquatch.

This is the the
hairiest, scariest,

sexiest gore flick of them all.

His big feet aren't his
most abominable feature.

Think you've seen it all?

You ain't seen nothing, yay.

Sure to be banned in
all national parks
across the nation,

this one's about to get hairy!

(third wave ska music)

(thunderous explosion)

- Holy shit, what was that!

Was that an explosion?

- Oh my god I think it was,
maybe we should get out of here.

- What, afraid of
mere explosion?

Please it was probably
just the wind.

Come on now, let's get back
to this forest fornication.

- I don't think we should,
brah, that sounded pretty close.

- Listen Mandy that's nothing
you should be excited over

but this, this is something
you should be gushing over.

- Oh, so are you
gonna show me why

they call you Johnny Longbone?

- Many a doe have fallen from
my be extra skin monolith

and you are about
to join the list.

- Slay me with your meat
sword, you fucking idiot.

- Have at thee!

(smacking impact)

(snorting)
- Butthole?

(cackling) Butthole, butthole!

Rape the butthole!

Smell my finger,
smell it! (screaming)

(trembling in fear)

(mushing)

(third wave ska music)

* I wanna make
violent love to you. *

* I wanna make
violent love to you. *

* I wanna make violent love.

* I wanna kiss every night.

* Cause I really want
to hold you tight. *

* I wanna make
violent love to you. *

* I wanna make violent love.

* I don't want to be frantic.

* I don't want to
cramp your style. *

* You're driving
me into a panic. *

* You almost drive me wild.

* I wanna make violent love.

(moaning and screaming)

- Hey, you boners want a donut?

- (grunts) Not now, Skippy,

I'm about to blow my own
branded glaze all up in a

girlfriend's jugs (laughs).

And then I'm gonna take in
a lovely artery hardening

fly o' fancy.

Yeah.
- Whatever man.

Hey, Crystal, how about you?

You want a donut?

- Skippy, you know the answer,

those things go
straight to my pussy.

You don't want me to
have a fat pussy, do you?

- Fuck no.

I hate fat pussies, I'
throw you off a cliff

to a pack of wild
mountain goats if you ever

gained a fat gash.

(moaning)

- Oh, I second
that, oh shit, girl.

I'm about ready to spill my
children all up in your pores.

- Shoot your unborn progeny
all over my alabaster skin.

Make me young again!

(moaning and panting)

- A jizzin, fatgasm forged
by my ancestral forefathers.

(screaming and mushing noises)

- Freaking A, it's like
liquid with fireworks.

(out of breath)

- I am truly...

Blessed.

- Donut?

(moaning)

- Mm, wasn't that good girl?
- Hell no.

- Shut up I'm talking
to the ladies.

- So, about getting Joey laid,

what's the plan?

- Well, I thought it
was already planned out,

we throw Joey a get laid
party, and all are invited.

Chips, dips, chains, and whips.

Typical party hijinks, right?

- No shit, dyke.

I'm talking about who...

Who can we find that would stoop
so low to do Joey Jeremiah.

I mean I like the kid, and
all, but he's kind of a cankle.

- Come on now, Skippy,
you no looking yourself.

Well, look like you
got one of those dead

mongoose on your hair,

and a face that looks like
you're crapping an everlasting

deuce, deuces, a thousand
geese for Easter.

Mongoose?

- If your mug is
able to get trim,

and hell, look at me, I'm
a fucking lumpy abortion,

but look at this sexual
creature to my left.

(laughs)

Bitch could melt the
black off Wesley Snipes.

- Huh?

- Point is...

We're a couple of
goblins compared to Joey.

I bet we could get his
dick wet, faster than a

dude on bath salts can
rip a hobo's face off,

and eat it.
- that's fast, alright.

So who do we have coming
to this orgy of pain,

and pleasure indivisible.

- Well the usual
suspects really.

The Boner Squad if you will.

- Please tell me, minty
Dave isn't coming.

That guy smells like dead mule.

- No minty Dave, besides
I heard he choked himself

with his own ball sack,
and he's laying dead

somewhere in Canada.

Oh, and speaking of Canada,
make sure we're stocked

with plenty of Toblerone, my
favorite chocolatey treat.

- Ugh.

Leo, I don't know how many
times have to tell you this,

but Toblerone is actually
from Switzerland.

- Yeah, you do keep
saying that, don't ya,

and I keep telling
you, you're a moron,

there's no such place as a
place called Switzerland.

- Yeah, sounds like a
place a first class dipshit

would invent.

So anyway, I was
listening to the new

Handrelease Summer album,
when all of a sudden

my dick starts
dancing to the tune.

Come to find out my freaking
dong has great taste

in music.

(laughing)

- Crystal, rally the troops,

assemble the avengers, let's
get this hootenanny a started.

(laughing)

(cheery music)

- Woo, the pussy brigade has
cometh from the vaginal peaches

of Babealon.

(groaning)

- Nice.

- Oh man,

Mudhoney's here, you
know what that means.

- [Together] 25
cents motorboats.

(motorboats and laughter)

- Hey guys.

- You didn't tell me
Jennifer was gonna be here.

- Hell yeah, kid.

You never know...

She just might just be
the pussy, your manly wang

conquers this weekend.

That's the point of
the trip, remember?

Seems like only yesterday,
I was titfeeding you.

And now, now you're about
to bury your fleshtrunk

into the swollen, and
juicy, caves of some tramp.

Life is good.

Party!

- I will never betray you, dude.

Bruceski's, alright, yeah.

- Hey.

- Hey, can you hold
this for a minute.

(shock)

Awkward for sure.

(third wave ska music)

(cheering)

* I step out of the car,

* We've driven so
far into Bayertown, *

* And take a look around.

* In Bayertown so fun, as
I head out into the sun, *

* And I sing this song,
what could go wrong. *

* This is something new.

* The way I feel for you.

* I didn't stop you then,

* Well I hope it's
not too late. *

* Do you feel the same way,

* Like I feel for you?

* Don't you say I'm sorry,

* You're not something new.

- Welcome to Xanadu,
you lucky lucky people.

Are you ready to have
the most atrocious,

and psycho-sexual
nightmares of your life?

- Leave your bullshit stupid
meaningless selves at the door,

for once you cross these gates,

you'll become
fucking party gods.

- And I'm totally ready to
be milked, oh yeah! (laughs)

- Yeah, she fucking is.

Now who's ready for some donuts.

- [Together] We are!

(mischievous music)

- It's raining men--

oh, there's my
dogshit, I forgot that.

(sniffs)

Good stuff.

What in the huh?

Donuts?

A party?

At this hour, and in
this day, and age?

Well, I like a
party, look at me.

I say, I sashay up there,
and enjoy what is sure to be

a splendid throwdown.

I better put on my face.

And pull up my nipples, and
blend in with the sexies.

Woo, woo, woo.

(goat blaring)

Yum.

- I guess the real
reason we're all here,

Joey.

Our good friend, Joey
Jeremiah, has never been boned.

= [Everyone] Aw.

- Oh, you guys.
- Yes, I know,

it is a tragedy,

but we're gonna change all that,

because one of you lucky
ladies is going to be

speared by your...

Hopefully large pigsticker.

- Hey, you guys remember Falco?

What the fuck was
that guy's deal,

"Rock me, Amadeus".

Looked like something that fell
out of Boy George's asshole.

- This is your "get laid" party.

(cheering)

- Speech!

- Yeah, Joey!, Speech!

- [Everyone] Speech, speech,
speech, speech, speech!

- [Men] Bush, bush,
bush, bush, bush, bush!

- Okay, listen guys,

I means so much to
me that you're all

behind this amazing weekend.

I've dreamt about having sex
since I was a little lad,

when my true passion is
becoming the president of

show business, and
directing such classics as

swamp sex robots, and
Trans AM with a nail-gun.

I think being with one
of you fine foxy ladies

is right up there.

So again, thank you all,

and I hope to be able
to give one of you

a true, and honor-bound,
experience straight
from the bottom

of my pouch.

(applause)

- Woo, woo.

I love getting stuffed
in my clam flaps.

I will gladly give
you my peach good man,

to do with what you will.

Hey, where do you guys
keep the toilet brush?

- Who the fuck are you?

Get the fuck out of
my fucking house,

you fucking piece of shit.

- I'm Marmalade,

you guys know me.

(farts)

I just laid an egg.

- Get the fuck out of my
bungalow, you shitfuck, bitch!

(moaning and screaming)

(screaming)

- Okay, whatever.

You don't know me, I hate you!

I would've given you the world,

and this is how you treat me.

- Let's piss on this
bitch like Chuck Berry.

- Whoa, don't piss on her,
she'll probably enjoy it

plus she might multiply.

Now, keep her away
from your chicken.

- Enough, it is clear to
me that you hipsters are

far too uncouth to razzmatazz
with the likes of me.

Forget it!

I'm bailing.

But you remember this, you're
all forever cursed for the way

you treated me.

So you take the curse.

You take the curse, and fuck it.

I'm taking a dump in the forest

without the thoughts of you.

- Good riddance.

- That thing gave me chills.

Look, my nipples.
- I noticed.

- Frozen in fear.

- Those nipples are
fucking scared, alright.

- Well now that we
discarded the human garbage,

let's get you all a room.

We'll get some food
in your tummies,

cause tonight, we're gonna
tell some ghost stories.

(cheering)

(straining)

- What the--

some hairy dude is
taking shit in my house,

without my permission.

Hey, undesirable, stop
pooping in my house.

(mischievous music)

Wait a tick,

that ain't no hairy dude,

that's the Loch Ness monster.

Well, what would he be doing
taking a dump in my house,

in this part of the Milky Way?

Hey, you got any toilet paper?

(grunting)

- Shut up!

Don't bother me!

Can't you see I'm taking a shit?

- Jumping pie Jiminy, you talk?

I didn't know the Loch
Ness monster could talk.

Hey, why you in my home?

- It's not your home, this is
the woods, you fucking nutbar,

and I'm loosening my
bowels in the magic of this

earthy foliage.

- How do you talk?

- Why are you ugly?

- No need to be rude.

Hey, you wanna hang out later,

and scrounge for
food on the beach?

- I do not have time yo hang
out with the likes of you.

I was itching to
rape, and murder,

and you will most
likely be my next victim

after I finish with
this exquisite poopage.

- I don't want you to
rape, and murder, me guy,

what's that all about?

I thought we were
dumping buddies.

- Well, admittedly I would
rather not kill, and rape,

you either, but it's in
my blood, it's my nature.

I am Stink Fist the Sexsquatch.

It's kind of my thing.

- Well, cram-apples,
and squid-nuts,

I don't want to
be killed by you.

I've had my dream-death
planned out for decades,

and it was not by the hands
of the Loch Ness monster.

(grunting)

- And how would you like
to die, coagulate one?

- I want to be
stabbed in my eyes

by my own feet.

- Erotic.

- Say, I have an idea big guy.

Say you don't rape and
kill me, and I'll show you

pleasures beyond
your wildest creams.

- I'm listening.

- I know a place, where
you can get the ripest,

most succulent butt-holes
in the whole area.

- Do tell.

- I know of a place where
you can get not just manly

butt-holes, but
womenly ones too.

Just imagine the carnal
pleasures that could take place,

just take my hands,
and all can be yours.

- I'm falling in love
with the cun of your gin,

grotesque one, I think this
is the start of a weird

fucking relationship.
- Excellent,

now holdfast, because it's
about to be the end of

my fecal adventure.

Oh god, it's coming!

It' huge!

- Hold, damn you!

- [Together] Hold!

(third wave ska music)

- Hey Joey,

why aren't you out there
shaking your dingaling around

all over the place?

Everyone needs a good
dongshake at a party.

- I'm just writing
down some ideas I have.

- Don't tell me, you're
gonna be one of those

no fun Jimmy VanBrunt
types, mope around

at your own sex party.
- No way,

I will be sexing around
this place plenty, you wait.

I'll be with one of
these chicks in no time,

but when a good idea hits,

I just have to write
it down ASAP, you know.

- You wanna be a
filmmaker, right?

- Sorta.

I wanna be president
of show business.

I wanna bring back the magic
of B movies, and shlock.

I wanna produce
films for Scorcese,
Spielberg, and Stallone,

you know.

I mean why can't we have
big budget versions of stuff

like Sorority Babes
in the Slimebowlorama?

Why can't Meryl Streep
be in Rabid Grannies?

- And you truly believe
this can happen?

- I have to believe, it's
all I have, it's my passion.

- Well, I admire your balls.

You go after something that
will never come to pass,

yet you push forward.

You need to take those
skills, and get your dick wet.

- Can I tell you a secret?

I love that all you guys threw
a party for me to get boned,

and what-not, but I kinda
don't wanna be with anybody,

unless it's
meaningful, you know.

Unless I wanna continue
a relationship with 'em.

- So, you're a romantic?
- Sort of.

I just don't wanna lay,
and leave, you know,

it seems cheap.
- I'm liking you more and more

Joey Jeremiah,

however, don't let the rest of
these guys hear you say that,

they may riot.

Well.

I'm gonna shake my tits
and ass around a little,

so if you're interested
in a show, you know,

help inspire you a little
more, feel free to ogle away.

- What a woman!

- Hey laidboy, why you got you
head buried in the notebook?

- Yeah, do you not
see all the boobs,

and bush running
around this place.

I mean it's like all
you can eat clam buffet.

- Come on, indulge.
- Okay,

left me hanging a little bit.

- Ill be there in a minute
guys, I'm just finishing up

a great movie idea about
a bunch of space turds

that invade a New York suburb.

I think I can get
someone like Woody Allen,

or Roman Polanski to direct it.

- [Together] (laughing) Boom!

- Yeah, you keep dreaming, man,

and me and Lucas here,
we'll keep creamin'.

Look out pussy here we come.

- Here comes your
total domination.

- I love you man.

Shaka Zulu, Bro.

Let's get outta here.

- Those guys. (laughing)

Okay, so...

Quizar Helix is like this outer
space bounty hunter, right?

Yeah, yeah.

- So, this shindig is
going pretty good so far,

except look at this bogus
crap face over here, right?

What's that all about?

- He's the smartest
friend we have, Skippy.

The man needs his brain
time to refuel his chi.

You know, just like how we
have to double tag Crystal

every night just to
regain our sanity

in this world of
despair, and hate.

- Of course, I understand.

I will never betray you.

- Thank you, Skippy.

Well, Joey over there,
he's got to do the reading,

and the writing, and
the edumacating himself,

just to revitalize
his life force.

He's a modern man in a
modern world, my friend.

- Whatever.

Hope he jizzes on one
of those loopy dykes,

before he bores
himself to death.

How long do you
think it's gonna take

before he buries
his tool anyway?

- I don't know Skippy,

but whenever he does,
we have to be there,

we have to.

The world depends on it.

- So, which one of you
ladies plans on stealing

Joey's sweet cream.

- Not that my son isn't
a nice piece of ass,

but count me out.

I'm a wacky ass bitch,
but I'm not that wacky.

How about you Crystal?

You've been up and down 50,
60 times on flesh muscles.

Your squishkisser not
good enough for my son's

dongenstein.

- I belong to Skippy, and Leo,

besides I have enough
cockwoks to satisfy my hunger.

What about you girls?

Nobody wants to do this?

Come on, Joey's our friend,
and friends help friends

get laid.
- Yeah.

- Oo, how big is he?

- Oh, he's big.

Remember girls, I
have seen this kid

every which way, but fucked,

and he is packing some heat.

It runs in my family,
grandma was hung too.

- So we talking like
Peter North big,

or like Lexington Steele big.

- More like Warwick Davis big.

- So he's got a
humongulous in his pants?

- That's my boy.

Hey Jennifer, maybe you can
plan on taking my kid's V-card

this weekend, hey.

- Yeah, maybe.

- I happen to have it
on pretty good authority

that he's got a
little crush on you.

- Really?

- Yeah, he loves the
way your tits bounce

when you move, and he
talks about your moves,

making love in the
wind, or some shit.

I don't know it's in his
journal, or something.

- He likes my tits, and
sensual wind sexing moves,

I had no idea.

- I think we just found the
right girl for the job then.

- Jennifer's gonna fuck Joey.
Jennifer's gonna fuck Joey.

- Let's make a plan of attack.

Tomorrow night, you're
gonna be tasting

my son's dick juices.

(cheering)

(laughter)

- Alright, so these guys,
they're talking right,

they're like, I don't
know, what's going on.

He's like just listen
up clos, alright.

So they got these two baskets,

one of em got Buffalo wings ,

and one of them's
got bat wings, right.

And they're sitting there,
and they're chatting it up,

right, and they're chatting--

he knows what I'm talking about,

he was there when it happened.

The guy's loving it,

has a headband on,
he's strapping along,

walking to the beat of the
music, you know what I'm saying.

So then I was like,
where did it go,

and she's like, I don't know.

(laughter)

So as you could see it really
was the Buffalo wings' fault,

the whole time.

- Buffalo wings?

You know what they
call wings in Buffalo?

Wings.

Buffalo wings...

Makes my hole burn.

I'm talking about
dumbshit over here.

- Hey, have you
heard the tale about

the red-headed lesbian
roller girl, who was stopped,

and almost killed by a man,
who looked, and sounded like

Satan.

- Ew, that story is fucking
creepy, don't tell it.

Besides, it's an old
wives tale, any way.

- Yeah, that sounds
pretty intriguing,

but if you don't
wanna hear that one,

I have one about the KKK,
they adopted a highway

behind my mom's house.
- Man,

nobody wants to hear about a
bunch of sheet wearing racists

picking up trash on the
road by your mom's house,

unless it ends in an
African American zombie gang

getting revenge on the
Klan in a savin-like

swath of glory.

- But they adopted
a highway man,

don't you get it?

I mean...

Don't you see how
fucked up that is?

Life is weird, I
gotta go take a piss.

Anybody want me to
bring back some brews?

- I'll take a ginny-like
cream ale fuckface.

That stuff's freaking tasty.

- That is so you Skippy.

- No, no, no, no.
- What have you had it?

It's like drinking nectar
straight from Mother Mary's

seminiferous tubules

- Okay.

Back to the ghost stories.

What about the curly killer?

- Lame.

Hey Leo, what about you?

You've lived a pretty
messed up life.

Do you have any spooky
stories to creep us out with

before we go to bed?

- Yeah baby, tell
them about the lake.

- What about the lake?

Dude?

Wait, don't hold out on me,
man, what about the lake, dude?

It's me, Lance, dude,
don't hold out on me.

- You guys think you
can handle such horror?

- [Everyone] Yeah.

- Well, hold on to
your crotch meat,

cause this fright
time story is real.

- Well, I don't know about that.

Seems a little over
the top to be real,

but it's a pretty
good creepy story.

- Hey, bitch, you better
curb your skeptic brain,

or I'll strike across your neck.

- Oo, witch lips.

- (laughs) You know
me too well, ladygirl.

Well enough, threatening
domestic violence,

I mean Skippy fuckbuddy her,

and let me tell you of
the frightening tale

of a terror at Blood Fart Lake.

- Wait, isn't this that
story about where that

Jimmy van Brunt
expression came from,

and how do you know it's true?

- Because my lovely
popgel, crackgeek,

I lived it.

- No you didn't.
(booing)

oh yeah, you just go
ahead and oo and ah,

but I survived that
motherfucker twice.

So Blood Fart Lake is cursed,

there was little
old Jimmy VanBrunt,

he was a little retard,

a local handicrap.

And all the kids use to
pick on him all the time,

his dad was a drunk.

- Oo man, I shouldn't
have had all those beers.

(singing) I am
pissing in the woods,

and it's so damn crazy.

Oo man, what I wanna do
to piss all over Crystal's

big fucking jugs.

"Oh, hey Crystal."

"Oh, how about I pour
some of my glistening

yellow do all over those
huge mountains of yours?"

"yeah."

I am so awesome.

(gurgling)

What the fuck?

- Can't beat the electrolytes,

and the heady, thick aroma of
sulfur permeates my senses!

- Hey you crunchy wayward
transient stop wasting my piss,

who do you think you are?

- Why, I'm Stink
Fist's best friend.

- Who the gurf is Stink Fist?

- I am Stink Fist.

(heavy metal music)

- Holy Manos!

A Sasquatch!

- No, I'm a Sexsquatch.

And would you mind terribly
if I used your body

masturbate with?

- Sure.

Wait!

(squishing and mushing)

(grunting)

(laughing)

- Fuck my life!

- I feel young again.

- I was gonna say you look
at least ten minutes younger

than the last time I saw ya.

Can you save some
butthole for me?

- Fuck you, this
butthole is for me!

(third wave ska music)

- Oh my gerf!

Holy jockstrap!

Am I dead?

Is this hell?

(groans)

- Did somebody catch the
number of the semen truck

that hit me last night?

(laughs)

- Think I had this dream...

About two naked
Pygmy chicks hanging

all over my springy frame.

They were singing
lyrics from the band,

Yes' Topographic Oceans album.

Think I crushed one of em
with my stringy thighs.

Hey, you guys seen my donuts?

- Yeah, that's right lady,
really push out your chest.

Take a deep breath, and really

feel the wind on your nipples.

(laughs)

- (groans) What the--

did we--

I mean did we--

No blood, thank God.

- You do know I'm
not a virgin, right?

There would be no
blood on your dick

if we had sex, Joey, dirty boy.

- Jen, I mean I
knew that, I mean,

sorry for spooning
you all night, but--

- No, it's okay, I liked it,

but you know, I think
you were having some

really fucked up dreams
last night about something,

cause your wiener was
poking me all night,

and you were saying
something about

Thor had sex with my
girlfriend, I don't know.

- You must think
I'm some kinda like

Jimmy VanBrunt...(laughs)

Oh my God.

(slap)

- You guys were
insane last night,

put on quite a show.

I don't think I've
ever seen so much come.

Speaking of come, where
the fuck is Lucas?

- Now that my brain
has realigned with my

ocular modules, I can see that
Lucas is nowhere to be found.

Come to sniff a bit...

I don't remember seeing
him at all last night.

- Yeah, he was going off
to take a piss, and...

That's right...

I wondered why I
wasn't sucking down a

Jenny Light cream ale.

Fucking fartface.

The nerve of some people.

Hey guys, check this shit out.

You seeing this shit?

I'm like van Damme over here.

I learned this in
my dream last night

from some scumbag named Gun Shi.

- Ugh, I can hardly
move my face.

Hey guys...

Joey, Jen, have you
guys seen Lucas?

- Not at all, I mean,

have you guys seen my mom?

- Hey guys, I made
toaster pastries,

and other various
sugary breakfast things.

(crunchy sound)

- Hey mom, is
Lucas in the house?

- No, unless he's taking a shit.

In fact, I haven't seen
him since last night.

- Well, that's when
we all last saw him,

something...

Something's not right.
- Oh come down, hun,

I'm sure he's fine.

He was drunk as we all were,

he' probably in the woods
lying in a puddle of

his own piss and vomit.

Now, who wants food?

- Joey, we can go check in the
woods, see if he's in there,

I'll go with you.
- Sure,

let's do this, Jennifer,
we've got no time to lose.

- He really needs to get laid.

He's such a spaz.

- Yo, master, seen
a box of donuts

lying around here somewhere?

- Donuts, I've got
toaster pastries, woo-hoo!

- Someone is gonna pay dearly
for misplacing my donuts.

I'm gonna be their judge,
jury, and executioner.

(serious sound)

- Lucas, hey Lucas!

You could come out
now, it's me, Joey!

- Hey, calm down.

So while we're away
from the pack a minute,

what say you give
me a little smooch.

- A kiss?

You wanna kiss me now.

While one of our
friends is out there,

and we can't find 'em?

I mean...

What if Lucas is dead?

- You need to stop overreacting,

don't go crazy on me, Scotty.

I still need your virginity.

- I mean wha--

What?

My virginity?

- Seems pretty obvious
you like me, right?

- I guess my penis
poking you in the back

all night, kinda gave that away.

- Well that, and
your mom told me.

- Dammit mother.

I'm gonna give that
woman such a pinch

right in her little--
- Kiss me, Joey!

Kiss me on my mouth.

- What, wow...

Okay.

Aggressive, cool.

It's kinda one of the things
I like about you, Jen.

- You're talking again.

Come here!

(farting)

(eerie sound)

- Jennifer, Lucas!

Oh, this is heavy duty, Doc.

- Oh my God!

Lucas!

Lucas is dead!

(mysterious music)

- [Leo] Stand back, stand back!

Oh my God!

No pulse.

Now, I ain't no
doctor or nothing,

but look like he died
by having his insides

ripped out, and wrapped
around his neck,

in addition, looks
like something the
size of a baseball bat

ripped out his butthole.

Don't quote me on that, though.

- What the hell
could have done this?

- Looks like a
fucking mountain goat,

or one of those velociraptor
things I keep hearing about.

I mean look at the wounds.

Classic raptor or goat attack.

- Whatever it was...

Looks like it raped
his soul, dignity...

Ass.

(trembling)

- Buffalo, blue cheese, chips.

Lucas.

What's going on?
- He's gone.

- Lucas! (crying)

My buddy!

My brother!

The red sun rises, blood has
been spilled on this day.

No!

I will avenge you!

(third wave ska music)

* Did you know that the
KKK adopted a highway, *

* Just a few miles away
from my mom's house. *

* They paid their money
and they put up a sign, *

* I guess they dress
up in sheets and go
pick up the trash. *

* The trash, the trash,
they pick up the trash, *

* The trash, the trash,
they pick up the trash. *

* They should know it
when they see it, *

* They get a good look
every day in the mirror. *

* They get a good look
every day in the mirror. *

- Jesus Christie, why
have you forsaken me?

- Well, I guess the
party is canceled.

- We should call the police.

- And I was so excited
to get Joey laid too.

- No.

No.

No!

Companions, this party
shan't be canceled.

- What?

But sugar balls, our
friend's been torn apart.

- No!

- What you have us do?
- No!

Fuck the Police!

Fuck crying!

Fuck going home!

Fuck this movie!

We stay, and we party like
we never partied before!

- Man, that's right.

I mean think about it.

Lucas, we want the
party to go on.

I mean are we gonna honor
his fucking mangled corpse,

and carry on with this party?

I say we do it for Lucas.

We do it for Lucas.

- Yeah.

Yes.

We party...

We fucking party in
the name of Joey,

and Lucas' wiener.

- My first instinct is
to scream at you all,

and tell you all, you
all flipping crazy,

but the more I think about it,

knowing Lucas, and
the way he was,

the most logical thing to do...

Is to stay, party,

and get myself totally
boned, who's with me?

(cheering)

- Holy shit, these kid are
as tenacious as they come.

Are you seeing this?

They're dancing around
their dead friend

like a fucking puppet.

They so deserve to
be raped and killed.

- Well, the banquet is set.

There's so many to choose from,

now it's just who's next,

who you gonna pick?

I say you go for
the ladies first.

Then, you can cut
off a pair of those

big old titties, and I can
sow them on onto my own chest,

and walk around like
Cloris Leachman,

or, you know, somebody elegant,

fancy like.

- You know, I'm gonna
say this out loud,

so you can grasp
the severity of it,

you creep me the fuck out.

Do you know, how much it takes
to freak out the Sexsquatch?

- Thanks wendigo,

quick let's plan your next
attack, before the stupid

dude over there,
starts dancing the jig.

- You know, I'm not
even going to look.

All I want now is to
feel the wind in my eyes,

let's go.

(groaning)

* Happy fuck day to you,

* Happy fuck day to you,

* Happy fuck day dear Joey,

* Happy fuck day to you.

(cheering and applause)

- You guys got me a cake?

- and I even prepared a
great present for you.

- (stutters) Mom.

You shouldn't have.

- I sure did.

You deserve all the great
sex your heart desires,

and to show you what
a great kid you are,

I'm gonna put on a
little show for you.

(sultry music)

- You're taking your pants off?

(stutters)

Don't sit on the cake!

You guys went through
all this trouble,

I mean, I don't need to
see your ass in my cake.

- No, this is
something way cooler.

Okay, Joey Jeremiah...

Here we go.

(queefing sounds)

- You're--

You're my--

You're my--

Oh my God, that
was so inspiring.

I love each, and
every one of you guys.

Thank you.

Thank you.

- Ugh, smells like fucking
Long John Silver's in here.

Somebody open a fucking window.

(out of breath)

- So...

Who's it gonna be kiddo?

- Huh?

- Who you gonna peel.

Who's gonna take your seed?

- You mean, you want
me to tell you all now.

- [Everybody] Yeah!

- This has taken
some good thought,

and I think all of you
ladies are really stellar,

and watch you jiggle,
hither and thither.

That really means a lot to me,

that each one of you
would let me be with you,

but I think the one girl...

The one girl that
takes the cake...

Is Jen for sure.

- I knew it.

- We all knew it.

Well bitch, what say you?

Don't leave em hanging...

Literally.

- You Joey, your
mom's ass is tight!

(cheers)

- Yes, Joey, it would be
an honor for me to let you

plunder my mossy abyss.

(cheering)

- [Crystal] Sweet, this is
better than some crappy wedding

any day.

- You guys can take
the master bedroom.

There's been so much come
dumped down those sheets

little more won't
matter, right girl?

Now go, and enjoy, each
other's sensuous frames,

and I wanna hear at least
two screams of passion,

and it better both be from Joey.

- What about me, Leo?

- Goddammit, woman,
this isn't about you,

you selfish prick!

This is Joey's time to shine,

you wanna come, do it
on your own time, bitch!

Now go make a mess of
your privates kids.

(naughty laughter)

- Ten bucks says the kid
squirts before he could take

his balls out of her asshole.

- To be nine, and
a virgin again.

Those were the days.

Alright pooper scoopers, let's
not forget why we be here.

- Party!

(cheering)

(third wave ska music)

- [Mudhoney] What the fuck?

Hey you, walking dingle-berry.

Get the fuck off my property,
I may kick your ass again.

- I thought we were sidekicks.

What's with all the hostility?

I mean I though sisters were
doing it for themselves.

- I'm gonna throw you
to the fucking wolves.

- Well, I've never--

(screeching)

(heavy metal music)

(Stink Fist laughing)

- Jamona!

- Take her butt.

(squishing and mushing)

- Ladies, and gentlemen,

your entertainment
for this evening,

Stink Fist, and his amazingly
realistic puppet pal.

- I love puppets, entertain me!

- (mimicking a woman's
voice) Hey Stink Fist,

what's the deal
with Doctor Pepper?

- (deep voice) I don't know,
Phineas James Frinkle Frackle,

what is the deal
with Doctor Pepper?

- (mimicking a woman's
voice) He must have P.HD,

right chance.

- (deep voice) You
kill me. (laughing)

- Wow, you're good Stink Fist,

I didn't even see
her mouth move.

- I am a natural.

(smacking sounds)

- Listen Joey, you
don't have to do this

if you don't really want
to, if you're not ready.

I mean, I know you wanna
honor your friends and family

by finally busting clam,
but if you're not ready,

we can just talk, and chill out.

- I feel confident
with you, Jen.

I mean I think we
have a real connection

that transcends time, and space.

- I hate what you just said.
- I know, lame, right?

- Look, I know how you feel
about my tits, and ass,

so do something about
it, like I said,

use that passion for your
films, and put it all

over my body.

Make me a work of art by
taking your mighty dick,

and using it as a pen.

My pussy is your
canvas, mold me.

- Lady, you are so filthy.

- Experience my flavors.
- Oo la la.

Freak that bitch out, Tone.

- [Leo] Oh, come on.
- [Crystal] Oh, I got it.

(cheering)

(cheering)

- Oh man, smoke deli meat
seem to be working the best.

Look at how effortlessly they
fall betweenst her mounts.

- Hey, let's try
urinal target practice.

Let's see how accurate we can
be by pissing on her tits.

(laughter)

- I am 100 percent...

Okay with this plan.

Crystal make that
cavern extra deep...

I want you to be able to
drink out of that cleavage.

- You got it, babe.

But I hate to admit it,
Leo has pretty good aim

when it comes to
pissing in my cleavage.

- Well I was all star state
champion three years running

at the International Cleavage
Pissing Games in Germany.

My award hangs proudly next to
my mummified head of Hitler,

the various buttholes that
I have scalped off people

who fucked me over
in the last decade.

I should show you, Muffy,
it's some interesting stuff,

I assure ya.

- Oo, I'd love to see your
collection of scalped buttholes.

- Whoa, this party is so wicked.

- Hey, where's that
bitch with brews?

- Probably ran off, and
tried to lick her own

white butt pussy, loopy
dyke, it always happens.

You get a bitch alone
in a room by herself,

and splat.

Butthole cleaning.

- [Muffy] Ain't that the truth.

- I'm gonna figure
out what's going on,

don't start the piss
tourny without me.

- Well, hurry up, Goddammit.

Fucking queer. (whispers)

- Hey bro.

Oh, I miss you.

Listen, I just wanna
say I'm really sorry

you got your ass blown
out by a goat, and killed.

We're still having
the party though.

We're having the
times of our lives.

Oh dag, bro, it's so hard.

Oh, we were a team, how
could you go and leave me

like that?

Who's gonna help me shave the

spare hairs around my dick tip.

Oh, Lucas, I loved you.

(sobbing)

Thanks.

Don't judge me.

My former lover is dead.

- [Stink Fist] Take my hand,
and I will take you away

from all this death.

- That's a sweat line.

Hey, wait--

wait a minute, what?

What the fuck are you?

- I'm just the guy,
who's going to kill you,

crush your skull, and use
your brain to lubricate

my creature dong, and
that is just the start of

the weird shit I'm going
to be doing to you.

- No way dude, for real?

- Yeah, well watch me do it.

- You killed Lucas,
you son of a bitch.

- Your dick is mine.

- [Lance] Not my shades bro.

Crushing my skull.
(screaming in pain)

(mumbles)

- Efficiently crushed now, if
only I had some breast milk.

- Lance, I've got some nice
freshly squozen tit juice

for you!

Lance!

Big foot? (screams)

- Gimme that, you stupid bitch.

Hello exquisite bouqet.

(grunts)

Delicious!

I love it. (gurgles)

- Oh God, no! (trembles)

- I always feel like
somebody's watching me.

(screaming)

and now to take you back to
my lair, you dummy witch.

(singing Down in New Orleans)

- So there I was, knee deep
in a pile of whale guts,

not knowing if I
was dead or alive.

- Then what happened?

- The world was
created, that simple.

- [Leo] Oh my god.
- [Crystal] Wow.

(mischievous music)

- [Skippy] Look at
these two come stains.

- Oh, tell us all about it.

Did you spill your life all
over her subpar titties?

- Oh man.

Come with me, Jennifer.

Alright, what happened?

- Well, I don't know.

Everything was going
great, and then...

- I called out my mom's
name when I finished.

- Oh man, that is fucking gross.

What is wrong with you?

You got some marginally
acceptable chick
in bed with you,

you're pumping away,
and you're about to pop

your muscular fluids,
and you yell, Muffy?

- Mom.

But I said it like mother,
you know like Danzig,

like "Mother"
(impersonating Danzig).

So embarrassing.

- Well, what did she do?

- I just sort of let him finish,

and then rolled him off of me.

It was really creepy.

- Wow.

What a brutal enigma.

So what now?

- Now?

Now--

(sniffing)

do you smell marmalade?

What the hell?

- [Crystal] What?

(grunting and mumbling)

- Kentucky fired fuck woman,

how many times do
I have to tell ya

to get off my fun
loving property.

- Hey, back off me guy.

I just came here to tell you,

you're all doomed.

Now, wasn't that swell of me?

- What do you mean
we're all doomed?

- Look around you, haven't
you noticed your numbers

have gotten smaller, and
smaller, since you got here?

Where did the buddies go?

- Where's my mom?

- Where's Lance, and that dyke?

- Yup, they're all dead.

- [Crystal] What?

- Yup, and not just dead,

but raped real good too,
and just regular rape,

but raped even the devil
wouldn't approve of.

- You murdering rapist fiend,

how dare you come
into our lives,

and murder, and rape
my party friends?

- I didn't kill anybody.

- Oh yeah, then who did?

- Joey!
- Put your hand down, bitch.

- Oh my God.
- Oh my God.

- Allow me to introduce myself,

my name is Stink Fist...

The Sexsquatch, and I
come from the planet,

Buttsexofprime, I've
been sent here to kill,

and murder as many of you
stupid humans as possible.

- What!

Who sent ya?

- My overlord, he and I have
a bit of running bet going

to see how many earthlings
we can rape, and kill,

before the Sabbath.

- The Sabbath?

But that's...

- Tomorrow night.

And I think I have a pretty
good chance of winning.

Last night, I heard he
conquered only five.

- And you're up to five as well.

- Oo, big tits, and a brain.

Yeah, I've killed five, but
I'm about to break that score

with this little dixie.
- No!

Wait!

If you need to rape
one more, then take me.

I'll give up my bum willingly.

- Who said, I'm just going to
be stopping at just one more?

I'm going for a record kid.

I'm going to be sexually
destroying all of you.

But I'll start
with just this one,

and this sixth bloody
rape will be something

your eyes have
never beheld before.

It will cause your bowels
to loosen thrice over,

and you dead ancestors
will feel the willies

after you see what
I do to this bitch.

- Joey, help!

- Jennifer. (singing)

- Oh, you didn't see
that coming, did ya?

You expected some sort of truly
nightmarish sexual atrocity,

weren't ya, and you
got that shit, fuck it.

- Alright, fuck fur,
I've raised my dander,

and now I'm gonna teach
you the meaning of pain.

- Step to me.

- No retreat, no surrender.

- Yes baby, get him.

(motorboats)

- Unhand my ladygirl's
chest, you pile of custard.

Now take my knee in
your cunt crease.

(grunting and gibberish)

- It hurts!

- Popping off, will,
chi, bitch, dick--

- I'll blow your soul amiss,
I'll damn you to hell.

- I got her.
you get her.

I got her.
you get her.

I got her.
you get her.

I got her.
you get her.

(grunts)

- You're bludgeoning my cooter,

I'm actually bleeding from the

onslaught of your
knee vengeance.

- Skippy, that was
utterly amazing.

- That's why God
made Skippy, babe.

That's why God made Skippy babe

- Now, I'm gonna tell
you one last time,

get the fuck off my property,
and take that weird-as-fuck

Sexsquatch with ya,
or so help me Stamos,

I will...

- You'll what?

It take more than some
porny corn rap martial arts

to take down my super body.

Now, prepare your assholes
for my 25 inch space holes,

I call it the deathamator.

- Well, this is it guys.

Quick, let's have a three
way before he kills us.

- Feel the fury (singing
heavy metal style)

of the Sexquatch.

- I'll take care of him.
(screeching)

- Huh?

- Shabbat Shalom motherfucker.

- Warlock, Marmalade's
getting away.

- Not, on my watch.

(cheery music)

- It's beautiful.

Thanks Warlock.

Well, I don't know
about you guys,

but I could go for a blow job,

and munch on a Toblerone,

and cool glass of Colostrum.

- I think I can help with
all three of those things,

sweetie.

What are we going to do
about all the bodies laying

around on the property?

- Let the goats unwrap
this freaking carcasses,

they'll be gone by dusk.

- I'll take care of
Jennifer's body, guys.

I'm thinking of
having her stuffed.

- Get it?

Having her stuffed.

You stuffed her earlier
with you wiener.

- I actually don't get it.

Hey...

Warlock left me my donuts.

Fartface betrayed me,
and ate my donuts.

(third wave ska music)