All language subtitles for Scrubs s08e10 My Comedy Show.eng

Okay, Mr. Rego, I know
you've been complaining

About the bedpans being
too cold, so I used

An incubator in pediatrics to
warm this bad boy up for you.

Enjoy.

You know, I used
to use an incubator

To keep my lunch warm
till some whiny new mom

Complained that her preemie
smelled like a ham sandwich.

Weird thing was, I had
a tuna melt in there, not ham.

Most newborns smell amazing.

An unlucky few
are ham babies.

Oh, God. Here comes the happiest
person on the planet.

Hi! Oh, hey, oh, you look
so beautiful today.

Hi! Oh, hi, Katie!

All the interns are going out
for drinks. You want to come?

Yeah. I'll get my stuff.

How about you,
dude chick?

Nah, I'm gonna stay here
and catch up on my scut work.

You can try as hard as you want
not to be my friend,

But eventually I'm gonna get ya.
Come on, Howie.

If I get drunk enough,
I'll undo my scrub bottoms

- And let you do a shot off my butt.
- All right.

I've noticed that you
always stay here late

- And work after your shift is over.
- I got a lot of work.

If you don't get out
of the hospital

Every once in a while
and blow off some steam,

This place will
eventually crush you.

- So go, okay? For me.
- Fine.

Great. Oh, my god, Caitlin,
that baby's beautiful.

(cooing)
(sniffs)

- (grunts) Ham baby.
- Mm.

What?
Oh, hell, no!

Gotcha.

(suspenseful music plays)
Holy mackerel!

Oh, my God.
This can't get any worse.

That is one
long-ass booby hair.

(J.D.) Like most hospitals,
Sacred Heart makes

Their interns put on a sketch
show roasting the senior staff.

It was never any good,
but this year it would be.

Okay, people,
before we begin,

You need to accept
one simple truth--

- We are funny, and you are not.
- Sucks to hear, doesn't it?

We will be writing all of
your sketches. You're welcome.

Let's jump right in.
I need two volunteers

- To go full-frontal. Howie?
- No. I have eczema.

Sunny, Denise, maybe rubbing
some oil on one another?

- Yeah, sure, no problem.
- No, not at all.

Okay, well, then let's
cut the leukemia sketch.

Dude, no!
That sketch is gold.

Well, if they're not naked,
they're just sad and dying.

- What's funny about that?
- We make 'em British.

Good save. It's back in, but only
because this man is a comic genius.

I have been called
the Black Wayne Brady.

Okay, try
and believe in us, guys.

This thing has not been funny
for eight years,

When we were interns.

(Falsetto voice)
� I love Jesus �

� and Jesus cure me �

� one, two, three, Jesus! �

I sure do love me
some Jesus.

I know, Laverne.

You rang?

The Messiah, ladies
and gentlemen! The Messiah!

Shalom and nanu nanu,
my friends.

Oh, hell, no!

Front row. (grunts)

(laughter)

There will be
a 20-minute intermission.

I never saw her coming. She was
killed in a car accident.

I miss her.

Anyway, let's be funny...

For her.

Synced And Edited By: VeRdiKT
[www.subscene.com]

"My Comedy Show"

Hey, will you hand me those
blood gas reports, Sonia?

You can call me Sunny.
My dad nicknamed me that

Because he said
I brighten up a room.

Of course in college,
I had a few dark years.

My car was stolen.
I had three... Was it three?

No, four--
I had four abortions.

I'm joking. (laughs)

I'm gonna kill you
with a hammer.

(laughs)

Why are you laughing?

'Cause I'm scared.
I'm not that strong.

So... How was last night,
Denise?

I ended up staying here
and finishing my casework.

What the hell? I mean,
at least with my patients,

I'm used to being ignored...

Like Mr. Cooper
after his triple bypass.

I told him to start
eating healthier.

He goes right back to
scarfing down bacon burgers.

And do you want to know
where he is now, Denise?

He's dead, isn't he?

No. He, uh,
just went back to Phoenix.

I was going to say that he was dead,
but I think saying that

About people who are
still alive is a huge jinx.

Look, when I kicked you out
of the hospital last night...

(cell phone ringing)

Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead.
Please don't be Mr. Cooper dead.

Nope, just my mom. Ignore.
(beep)

Look, I promise I'll get out
of the hospital tonight, okay?

Deal. Now come on. I want
you guys both to see this case.

She's a 16-year-old girl
with cyclical neutropenia.

It's a rare disorder
that periodically shuts down

Her entire immune system.

Basically, every three weeks she almost dies.
(cell phone beeping)

Hey, Briana, Mrs. Tarasi.

Just wanted to introduce you
to Sunny and Denise.

They're the interns who'll be
covering the floor today.

Oh, cool. If you guys give me
your cell numbers,

I can text you
if I need anything?

These kids with their
texting and their cell phones.

- Our generation never had that stuff.
- Yeah.

I just kind of feel like,
I don't know,

There's three generations
in the room right now.

If you want
to instant message me,

- My screen name is SunnyHoneyBunny.
- Of course it is.

- Do you have teenagers?
- How old do you think I am?

What's up?

- Where have you been?
- Oh.

How could you be late?!
(grunts)

This is our sketch show!
Our sketch show! Our sketch show!

That's cool, man.
It's just a sketch show.

Our sketch show!

Okay, let's assign sketches.
Partner up, please.

(door closes)
Yikes. Um...

I'll be with Denise.
Problem solved.

Yay. Can we go now?

Good morning.

Okay, I think we should just
get this out in the open.

I saw you pluck your...
Special hair the other day.

(imitates springing noises)

Boing, boing.
(imitates violin playing)

I was there.
I saw.

The question is,
what are we gonna do about it?

I have an idea.
Let me speak first. May I? Good.

I believe that you should
give me the hair,

Because I've been scrapbooking
the most disgusting things

That I can think of,
and I want to put it

On the page in between
my decayed molars and my snug,

Which is a snail/slug hybrid
that I was able

To splice together
in my garage unsuccessfully.

We didn't see
each other yesterday.

Well, that was unexpected.

Thank you. Okay, Briana,
your chest X-Ray looks good.

We should be able
to get you home tomorrow.

I'm just gonna go talk
to your mom

About some changes
in your medication.

Aren't moms the greatest?

My mom bought me these scrubs
last week just because.

Oh, and this morning
I found this little note.

It says,
"You're super special."

If that's what moms do,
I'm glad I never met mine.

(chuckles)
"Look at me. I'm dark and edgy."

I love my mom, but I wish
she would ease up a little.

I mean, I know I'm sick,
but not all the time,

And she still never
lets me leave the house.

You know,
I've never had a date.

It's like she's
so freaked out about me dying

That she won't
let me have a life.

She doesn't want
your stupid note.

(whispers)
You don't know that.

Do I know you?

I'm a friend.

What is Jimmy the Overly
touchy orderly doing here?

Dude, he does amazing
impressions. He's a ringer.

We could put him in any bit
that's not working,

Like the Dr. Wen sketch.

(claps) It's almost showtime.
Let's work out some of the kinks.

You guys doing
the Dr. Cox sketch,

Make sure you re-ee-ee-eally

Stretch out
all your words, okay?

And under no circumstances
are you to tell him that

I wrote the joke implying
he may have a sports car

Because he has a small penis.
Unless he finds it hilarious,

At which point,
you will break character

And say, "John Dorian
wrote that joke."

I will then stand,
give a humble nod like so

And then gesture
for you to continue.

Megan,
you're playing Carla.

That's my wife.
Please show some respect.

Kathy,
you're playing Elliot,

So I want to see some bug eyes,
all right? And... Perfect.

Plus find some cardboard.

Stick it down the back
of your pants, right?

Make that ass flat, girl. Let me
see what you got right now.

- Yeah, we can go flatter.
- We can go flatter.

- We can go flatter!
- You know what? I've chewed on that thing,

And it's flatter than day-old beer.
I gotta tell ya.

You know what? I made a funny.
Turk, rewrite.

� I am already on it �

- Katie, dynamite Beardfac� costume.
- I can't see anything in this.

Performers find a way, Katie.
Use your other senses.

(J.D.) Where are
Sunny and Denise?

Well, you know, they're supposed to be--
No, thank you. Cool.

They're supposed
to be playing us,

But they haven't picked up
their scripts or anything.

Hey, Dr. Reid, could we talk
to you about Briana?

Her mom is being
way too overprotective.

Unfortunately, milady,
I saw what I saw.

You either plucked a giant hair,
or you have mini chest snakes.

Maybe you're
just imagining things,

Like that time you thought
you'd built a giant sand castle

In the parking lot, or the time
you said you hung J.D. up

Like a flag,
totally defying the laws of physics.

I did those things.

Did you?

At least I thought I-- head games
aren't gonna work on me.

Unfortunately for you,
I have a photographic memory.

For instance, I arrived
here yesterday at 7:45 AM.

At 7:50 AM, I took a nap.
At 2:45 PM,

I awoke to find you plucking
a comically large hair

Off of your baby feeder.

I then took my afternoon nap,
then I went on break,

And then I went home.
Couldn't sleep a wink. Damndest thing.

Sad.

Stop walking away from me.

And now I'm sleepy again.
(yawns and mutters)

Briana should totally
get to live her life.

I'm gonna go talk to her mom.

But you guys gotta
do me a favor.

She's really
starting to get in my head

With this whole
"we're the same age" thing.

So I'm just gonna start
throwing out numbers,

And you guys stop me
whenever I get to the age

You think I look like, okay?
22, 23, 24, 25, 25, 25.

You know what? This is
a really stupid game, okay?

Aren't you guys late
for some sketch show?

Crap.

(sighs)
Idiots.

Isn't this fun,
running together?

- Shut up, Sunny!
- Okay.

- Oh, my God. I'm so nervous.
- Welcome to live theater.

Mm-hmm.

(light applause)

(imitating Kelso) I'm Bob Kelso,
and my life is so empty

That I still
come here every day

To stuff my face with muffins.
And I like prostitutes.

(crowd laughs)

(laughs) That's funny
'cause it's true.

(applause)

(imitating Todd)
Hey, I'm the Todd.

Wow, looks like we got
a full house.

I got a full house
in my pants. Boom!

(laughing)

(imitating British accent)
Hello, I'm Dr. Beardface.

I was up all night sewing.

My beard is only this big.

Lighten up, Seymour.
I took my lumps.

Okay, one last chance to admit
the truth before this gets ugly.

- Did I see the nurple hair or not?
- You did not.

(Katie) Beardface!
- Mm. And so it begins.

(imitating Dr. Wen) Hi.
I'm Dr. Wen, and it's an honor

To have you as a patient,
Owen Wilson.

(imitating Owen Wilson)
Oh, come on, doc.

What about patient/doctor
privacy, huh?

How's that supposed
to make me feel?

- Mr. Jack Black.
- (imitating Jack Black) Thanks, buddy!

� Sacred Heart! �

(sings indistinctly)

- Mr. Brad Pitt.
- Thank you, Dr. Wen.

I do have to say, it's very hard
covering the medical bill

When you have 14 children,
ha ha! (grunts)

(imitating Dane Cook) You know,
you know, people are

Always asking me, "Hey, hey,
Dane Cook, hey, Dane Cook"--

Yeah, they use my full name--
"Hey, what's the deal

"with tong depressors, huh?
Is it supposed to make

Your tongue sad or something?"
like, taste it--

"Oh, this muffin tastes sad."
Why do people find me funny?

(man clears throat)

Dude, we gave 'em
too much Jimmy.

(J.D.)
Off the stage, Jimmy!

Okay, Jimmy. Yay.

Hi, everyone.

We're gonna do a sketch
about Dr. Dorian and Dr. Turk.

I don't even know what
we're supposed to do.

Just follow my lead.

- (whispers) Okay.
- (laughter)

Look at your mole.
It's huge.

Here are those lab reports
you wanted, Turk.

Thanks.
I did need those, J.D.

(J.D.) They're bombing.
(Turk) Mm, serves them right.

Yeah, who cares about them?
We did it!

We did the whole thing.

Good-bye, J.D.
Thank you so much for ev--

Shh.
(audience gasps)

How is that funny?

(laughing)

(cheering and whistling)

Hey, Dr. Reid,

Did you get a chance
to talk to Briana's mom?

Well, I'll tell you--

Hey, Denise, we're all going out
for drinks to celebrate.

- You want to come?
- No, I'm gonna stay and study.

And you broke your promise
yet again. Shocking.

Look, I promise I'll go
out tomorrow night, okay?

- So what did Briana's mom say?
- You know, I've been thinking about it.

Okay, we have really no idea
what that woman's going through.

I mean, who's to say that she
isn't right to be so cautious?

After all,
it's her daughter.

So I decided
not to talk to her.

It's really
none of our business.

(cell phone beeps)

Today was the fifth anniversary
of the time Turk and I

Met David Caruso
on a Ferris wheel.

Usually to celebrate,
Turk would lift me in the air

While I straddled him
and yelled, "Eagle!"

But this morning I somehow knew
that wasn't gonna happen.

Hey.
Hey.

Eagle! Elliot didn't seem
like herself either.

I don't care what you think
is right for Briana, okay?

If either one of you
hassles her mom,

There will be consequences.
Bad ones.

Okay, why are you smiling?

I can't help it.
It's permanent.

Donny, muffin, please?

Not bran.

Better.

What do you want?

I'm gettin' ready to torture
Nurse Chest Whiskers.

But it's her word
against mine,

So I need you to verify
yesterday's incident.

What incident?
I wasn't even here yesterday.

You were there.

Excuse me. What? Shh.
(whispers) He's standing right here.

- (whispers) Me?
- (normal voice) Okay, I'll tell him.

My muffin thinks you're crazy,
and she wants you to go.

(normal voice)
You tell your muffin

That I think she's crazy.
Maybe she should go.

No.

What is happening to me?

Nice job.

(Denise) That lady has no idea
what's good for her daughter.

I know. I just want to go
over there and smush her face.

- So this is you mad?
- Did you hear me? I'd like to smush it!

So go talk to her.

I mean, you're both
sort-of-almost doctors.

Part of that is doing
what you think is right.

- Let's do this.
- Okay, try to act tough. And forget it.

Oh, so now we can't sit
on the same side of the table?

- We never do that.
- We always do up here.

Why did that sketch
bother us so much?

- We've always joked about our little--
- Don't say it, okay? I hate that word.

It's a bromance, Turk.
You can't fight it.

It never bothered me before
because I thought it was

Our stupid little joke that
Elliot and Carla were in on,

But I didn't know that's how
the whole hospital views us, man.

J.D.?

Pretty great, huh?

- Well, when you're right, you're right.
- Yeah.

- So how's your day going?
- It's pretty good so far.

I see you're eating bread again.
I thought you were off carbs.

- J.D.!
- I-I'm sorry. I'm back. Continue.

We're senior staff now, so...

Maybe at work we should
tone down the P.D.A

I agree.
But does that include--

It definitely includes "Eagle."

Oh. Good.

Oh, look at that.
I'm not hungry anymore.

Briana has so much
to deal with right now.

Just seems like you should let
her enjoy every normal moment

She can instead of forcing her
to hide from life all the time.

- As much as I hate to agree with Dr...
- Dey.

- Your name is Sunny Day?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, as ridiculous
as it was for her parents

To name her that, I think
what you're doing with Briana

Is a thousand times worse.

My daughter's immune
system doesn't work.

Why don't you two tell me
what it's like when your child

Risks death
every time she shakes hands?

Do you think I care one bit
what you think?

We tried.

You know, yesterday Dr. Reid
came in and gave me

The same sanctimonious speech,
and I told her

- The exact same thing.
- Hey, what's going on over here?

Everything okay?

I'm great. I just don't know
what's real anymore.

But that's okay, right?

I mean, so what
if big chunks of my life

Were just figments
of my imagination?

So I never went to China
and had a baby with a local.

Maybe I was never
in "The Fugitive."

Listen, this place
can make anyone crazy.

- Mm.
- Once, after a double shift,

I swore I went home
and crawled into bed with Turk.

Next day, I woke up in the on
call room spooning Dr. Beardface.

Now the guys' always slipping
me hotel keys. (laughs)

Can't believe you're
being so nice to me

When I almost punished you
for something

That never even happened.
Please accept my apologies.

That was easier than I thought.

No, Beardface.

I'm so proud of you, man.

You know,
I've always emulated you.

I shave my privates bald
to look like your head.

Todd, I'm actually
kind of touched.

Come on.

What's going on?

They're gonna publish
my old therapy paper.

There it was.

He wanted a hug, and I damn
sure wanted to give him one.

But all we could do
was say this...

Congrats.

Thanks, man.

Don't look back.
Fight it. Fight it.

Damn it, you're only human.

(voice echoes) Turk!

(panting) I ran
all the way around.

- � It's guy love! �
- People are gonna look.

- What people?
- � It's guy love, It's real to guys, �

(slaps back)

Why'd you lie about
talking to Briana's mom?

Uh, I'm going first.
Why did you go talk to her

- After I told you to drop it?
- It's not fair what her mom's doing.

- And why is that?
- I don't know.

Because people need to be able to
go out and do things and live life.

Where have I heard that before?
Oh, yeah,

It's the exact same advice
I've given you 9,000 times.

So you had me get crushed by
that mom just to prove a point?

She even had me
give you a little push

- So you wouldn't wimp out.
- I'm very bright.

Look, I've been there.
I did what you did.

I was an intern.
I've lived at this hospital.

I saw the same exact people
day after day,

Which, for the record, makes even the
uggos look attractive after a while.

Oh, is that how you got
together with Dr. Dorian?

What? No!
Well, maybe at first. No.

No.

Sometimes interns
think they know it all,

But the lessons really
never stop coming.

Whether you've heard it
a thousand times...

For the last time, get out
of here every once in a while,

Or this place
will swallow you up.

What about Briana?

Or it's something
totally new.

So much crappy stuff
happens here all day long.

The best way to get past it
is do what I do.

Just pretend
it never happened.

Hey, sorry again.

Don't beat yourself up
about it.

Of course, some lessons
you pick up on your own...

I just got the urge
to buy you a shirt.

Well, then, to the mall!

Mount up. Yeah!

Eagle!

(laughing)

Like how important it is
to have a good friend here

To help you get through it.

Oh!

- Anyone sitting here?
- Not just anyone... You.

Okay, no more talking
until I'm drunk, okay?

(speaks indistinctly)

(beep)
Partner up, please.

Val, please don't make a sign
that says "Loser"

With an arrow pointing
towards Jo.

Ha ha, now it's--
now it's pointing towards me.

Very clever. Turk, will you
get the sign, please?

- I am on it. Val!
- You guys are doctors.

- I'm tellin' you!
- This is unprofessional.

Got it.

(beep)
This is a different "Loser" sign.

Where is the original "Loser" sign?
There's two now.

Right there.

Well, okay. Can you
get that one, please?

I know. I'm gonna get it right now.

I think we should
stop looking for the sign

And start looking
for the sharpie,

- 'cause we're losing control here.
- We are not losing control.

Synced And Edited By: VeRdiKT
[www.subscene.com]

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