All language subtitles for Scrubs s08e06 My Cookie Pants.eng

(j.D.) there's nothing worse
than running into a sworn enemy

First thing in the morning.
Well, if that's the case, fred, just put him on blood thinners.

Excuse me, perry.
You don't have a phone.

You're just holding
your hand to your ear. Fred, I gotta go. He's gonna

Sure, I'll--I'll pass it on.
Fred says you are a tool.

I got nothing.
That's a good one.

Heck, yeah.
Still no chief of medicine, huh?

You must love not having anybody
around to make you tow the line.

It's pretty much
a captainless ship around here.

People showing up late,
stealing supplies...

Basically doing
whatever the hell they want.

Okay, as you can see,
we've repaired the perforation.

Now all that's left to do
is sew up

The surrounding muscle tissue.
Are there any questions?

I don't think
you're doing this right. Get outta here.

All right.
Let me just touch his heart.

Hey!

Bottom line--if we don't get
a new boss in this place soon,

It'll fall apart.
I'd pretend to care, but I don't have to.

Here's my office.
Okay, fine.

You go ahead and have fun
spending your golden years

At a depressing coffee chain
surrounded by-- I don't mean to cut you off,

But I have to take this call.

Look at that.
He brought it back.

Ctor.

Oh, no.
That can't be good.

I was still trying
to get my intern jo

To be more sensitive
with her patients.

Don't worry, mr. Hapsburg. A lot
of people are afraid of needles.

I was only surprised
because you're the first one

I've come across
that doesn't have a vagina.

Did you know
that guy was a priest?

I did.
Uh, I'll see you tomorrow.

If you're not here, I'll just
assume that demons dragged you

Down to hell
to chew your face off.

Now that
I was dating elliot again,

I finally had something
to get home to. Hey.

Hi.
(piano notes play)

Why diyou put
my piano mat here? I was here all by myself,

So I thought I'd use that
as a burglar alarm.

(plays lazlo bane's
"I'm no superman")

That's catchy.

Cookies are done.

I baked a dozen for you
and a dozen for me.

Now I like to eat one and a half
cookies every day

So that a dozen cookies
last eight days.

Well, ten days because I don't
eat sugar on wednesdays,

And on sundays I call my mom,
and she asks what's wrong with

My phone because I sound fat.
Anyway, I'm gonna go change.

I brought my cookie pants.
(door opens and closes)

Notice the loose waist

To accommodate
an expanding stomach.

I finished my dozen.

Why would you eat
all of your cookies at once?

I mean, what did you think
was gonna happen to them?

(glass shatters)

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Come to daddy.

Still pretty smoky.

(singsong voice) worth it.

(thud)

So he'd kill us?

I told turk
you were making cookies.

Plus he has a key to my place,
and carla's out of town.

Elliot, with his diabetes,

It's the only time
he gets to eat sweets.

I'm dating an idiot.

Yeah, but you knew
what you were gettin' into.

(door creaks open)

(piano mat
plays cending arpeggio)

J.D.,
someone's in the house. (clatter)

Turk, get outta here!
(piano mat plays descending arpeggio)

(door closes)

Pull that piano crap on me?
(scoffs) please.

(lazlo bane) � I can't do this
all on my own �

� no, I know �

� I'm no superman �

�

Morning, sleepy.
Mm.

I gotta go to work. I wish
I had the day off, too.

Hey, do you realize that we've
already been dating for a week,

But we still haven't had sex?

Yes, but you know what?
We're not gonna rush this time.

We're just gonna
go with the flow. I think we should

J.D., why are you throwing
your pants at me?

Because I got excited.
Whoo-hoo!

Well, you should be,

Because tonight
when you get home,

I'm going to be waiting here,
and it's gonna be

The most amazing,
crazy night you've ever had.

Stop throwing
dirty clothes at me! Stop saying sexy things.

Can't wait for tonight.
(grunts)

I really wish
I hadn't have done that.

Yeah, me, too.

Mr. Lawton, one of my favorite
patients, was back.

Unfortunately,
jo was his intern.

Hi.
How's it going over here?

Well, young dr. Mahoney was just
observing that my heart disease

Was, uh, uh,
what was that, sweetheart? A giant buzzkill.

Jo.
What? I was on cloud nine this morning--

Had a good night's sleep,
hot shower,

Big ol' pancake breakfast.

Then bang,
chronic heart disease. Buzzkill.

Well, I-I'm sure
mr. Lawton feels horrible

That his condition
annoyed you. I doubt it.

She doubts it. Okay, well, other
than the abdominal discomfort,

Everything okay, sir?
Well, I'd feel better

If this bed were
a little more comfortable.

Oh.
Here, lean up. Lean up.

Oh! Thank you. And I'm sorry
if I ruined your day.

Eh, we're cool.
Apparently, you guys are cool.

Yeah.

Sure, I can come in then.

Thank you.

That was just the board.

They're offering me
the chief of medicine job.

Shut up!
Yeah.

Do you know what this means?

That when I ask our nanny how
she manages to raise her own kid

Without a nanny,
I can hire a second nanny

To listen
to her boring answer.

Perry, look at yourself.

You don't get
in your own way anymore.

Sweetie, I am
so, so proud of you.

Thank you.

I'm feeling so open
and vulnerable

That it's literally filling me
up with rage and hatred.

So I should go.
Fair enough.

Okay.

Say, I heard you and barbie
were back together again.

How's that going?

He doesn't care. Don't answer.
Is there less drama this time?

Hold firm.
Does it feel different?

Give him nothing.

Look at you,
not getting sucked in.

Maybe you are a little bit older
and a little bit wiser,

Enough for this whole thing to
work out with barbie this time.

I really think I am.

Oh, my god. How do you not get
that I will never, ever care

About
your pasty white love life?

I only brought it up
because I noticed that barbie

Wasn't here at work today,
and I was hoping that

Your relationship with her
had already gone so far south

That you'd killed her and buried
her deep in a wooded area

And that soon
you would be carted off

For the aforementioned crime
of pasty white passion. No, no such luck.

(scoffs) carla, why won't you
pick up? I need to talk!

I cannot believe that
you leave the country

The week
I get back together with j.D.

I feel like
that's not a coincidence. Wait.

Didn't mean that. I know
that your aunt did not fal

Out of that balloon on purpose.
Anyway, I promised j.D.

This crazy sex night,
and now I'm totally losing it.

I've been trying on lingerie,
but nothing fits,

Because I ate an entire batch
of cookie dough with a spala.

Plus at my last appointment
I got in a fight with my waxer,

And now there is a rash
on my bajingo that looks like

A thousand tiny spider bites.
Damn it, carla!

I need tonight to be special,
and you're not there for me.

And I know what
you're gonna say.

You're gonna say that--
that you've always come through

And that sometimes I'm selfish,
but even if that's true,

I don't need to hear
your attitude right now,

Because I am sick of it.
Do you hear me? Sick of it!

I love you. Call me.
(beep)

What can I say? I just wish
you were at home with her.

You and me both.

That was an insult.

I know. I thought if I took it
as a compliment,

It would drive you insane
and you'd go away. Damn it!

Hey, j.D., because of
the abdominal discomfort,

I was thinking of ordering
an endoscopy on mr. Lawton.

Yeah?
No, no, he had the same symptoms before.

It turned out
it was just heartburn.

An endoscopy's a really painful,
invasive procedure.

Who gives a crap?

Oh, I don't know, uh, jo.
I-I think I do.

Probably sounds crazy to you.

Not crazy.
Just a little weird.

Okay, no more sugarcoating,
all right?

You will never be
a good doctor

Until you learn what it means
to truly care for your patients.

And if I don't start
seeing some changes soon,

You're gonna be out
on your ass, all right?

There's your buzzkill.
Go back to work.

Careful. Keep your badass
doctor stare going

In case she looks back.

(singsong voice) nailed it.

Bob, what are you
doing up here? Are you sick?

No. I'm just taking a stroll,
but thanks for your concern.

Oh, I'm not concerned.
I-I meant to sound hopeful.

Let me try it again.
Are you sick?

Perry, why are you hating
this morning?

I just came up here because
I heard the board offered you

The chief of medicine.

They did.
It's a great opportunity. It certainly is.

The minute I took that job,
everything got bigger--

My office, my staff,
my secretary's hooters.

They were a christmas bonus...
For both of us.

Still, I took the job
to improve patient care,

But you spend
most of your time

Dealing
with bureaucratic garbage.

And what with
the budget meetings

And addressing staff
and patient complaints,

You barely have time
for a life.

And what is your reward?

Everybody in the hospital
hates you. Yay!

Anyway, chief,
congrats again.

Hey, with carla and izzy
out of town,

Must be nice to have the place
to yourself for once, huh?

Dude, I can't answer that.

How many people here are spies
and are ordered to report

Everything I say
back to carla?

I should go.

I love my wife,
and I wanna be by her side

At all times! All times!

You heard that, rochelle?

(whispers) psst!
Turk, come here.

Elliot, are you sick?
No, I just don't have makeup on.

You look pretty.

Turk, I need some help
with j.D. Okay.

You guys are back together.
I get that. It's great.

You're a fit. I just don't wanna
get caught in the middle again.

Well, you should've
thought of that

Before you jacked
all my cookies. You're in.

Stupid sweet tooth!

Dr. Reid,
when did you become homeless?

Uh, these are just
my cookie pants.

Oh, these are
my muffin slacks. Bam!

I've been rocking these bad boys
since the day I retired.

Huh.

Where's mr. Lawton?

He's getting an endoscopy.

Jo, please tell me
you didn't order that procedure

Even though
I told you not to.

Well, I did, so that kind of
puts me in a pickle.

Okay, I-I am so angry right now.
I-I don't even know what to say.

You gotta give me a second.

I knew exactly what to say,
but the longer I waited,

The more I knew
it would make her squirm.

See, there's a lot of things

That can leave someone
speechless. How'd the meeting go, chief?

Is it official?
It can be an answer you don't expect.

I didn't go.
I don't want the job.

Just tell me this one thing,
and then I'll leave you alone.

Or a question you wi
you didn't know the answer to. If you had to come up

With the ultimate
sexual experience for j.D.,

What would it be?

For jo, it was just gonna be

A good, old-fashioned
verbal beat-down.

I don't know who
you think you are,

But I promise you, you are
gonna regret this mistake

For the rest of your--
sorry to interrupt.

Great call ordering
that endoscopy, dr. Mahoney.

Mr. Lawton
has stomach cancer.

To make things right.

Jo, I'm sorry.

I thought you were being
callous with mr. Lawton,

And you were just being
thorough. God, I'm a good apologizer.

From now on,
I'm gonna stop riding you

And let jo be jo.
Sound good?

No. Sounds great.

Why would you apologize?

What the hell
is your problem?! Uhh!

Ha ha. Reminds me of what
my grandpa taught me

When I was a boy.

He said, "janitor, every time
an angry woman storms out,

Another angry woman
storms in."

What?

Get out of my way.

Hmm. That one's for you,
pop-pop.

He's not dead.
He's upstairs... Dying.

Excuse me.
Dr. Kelso, isn't it?

I'm jordan sullivan.

What are you doing?

I'm introducing myself,
because clearly,

Anyone who would convince perry
not to take the chief job

Has never met me.

That pansy-ass little
tattletale.

Bob, so help me god,
you fix this,

Or I will grab you
by your muffin top

And stomp
on your withering man parts

Until your eyes pop out.

20 years ago, I would have
thrown you on this table

And made love to you
right here.

And I would have loved it!
(groans)

See? That is
the kind of passion

That I want tonight
with j.D.

But we've hooked up
so much in the past,

I can't come up
with anything new.

Ooh, what if I dripped
hot candle wax on his chest?

No, tina two-kids tried it

And burnt off
his treasure trail.

Okay. Okay.
Let's just keep spitballing.

What if I strangle him
a little?

No. J.D. Might like
the idea of that,

But if he loses too much
oxygen, he'll get dizzy,

And then his space needle
will become his space noodle.

How do you even know that?
Elliot, I just do!

Matter of fact, I don't wanna
talk about this anymore,

All right? I'm out.
Angry woman out.

Damn it!

Angry woman in.
You better not be making me one of your stupid janitor jokes.

No, ma'am.

Angry woman out.

(exhales deeply)

Hey, I'm glad I found you.

Uh, I need your approval
to cut down some lollipop trees

Outside the sea-monkey hut.
What are you talking about?

These decisions
have to go through you

Because you're
the mayor of crazytown. Okay, I really

Okay, fine, but you're
supposed to be working,

So would you mind checking
the patient in bed six

For dementia?
This is bed six.

I know. I think you're crazy.
It was a twofer. Pa-pow!

You're aware I could
kick your ass, right? I'm sure I'd get in

Look, I know I'm horrible
with patients,

But I make one lucky call
with mr. Lawton's endoscopy,

And now you're not gonna
push me anymore to be better? Okay, you're not the mayor

You're the emperor.
At least when you gave me crap, I knew you were trying to help,

But now you're just
giving up on me? What do you care?

What?
I've been busting my ass

Trying to be more caring
with the patients.

Remember when mr. Lawton
was uncomfortable?

Oh, thank you, doctor.

That must have been
so hard for you.

Yeah, I'm still mad
thinking about it.

What's with the yarn?
I'm gonna use it later.

Oh, by the way,
jordan thinks I'm hot.

Yeah, she mentioned that before.
It's disturbing.

Why aren't you
taking the job, perry?

You said it was
a bureaucratic nightmare,

And I don't want
to be miserable. You love being miserable.

I don't want everyone
to hate me. Everybody already hates you.

You wanna know
the real reason why

You don't want the gig, champ?
Because you're a fraidy-cat. Beg your pardon?

Didn't you hear me?
Are fraidy-cat's ears too tiny?

Don't push me, bob.
You're right. I'm sorry.

Would it make you feel
any better

To bat this around
for a while?

(groans)

See, I told you I was
gonna use it later.

Do you know why
I got into medicine?

I assumed there was
some sort of flyer

Outside football practice.

(laughs sarcastically) no.

Look, I don't care
that I'm not that feminine.

I still look rockin' hot
when I'm naked

So I can get it
whenever I want it.

Okay, now that was feminine.
Shut up.

I became a doctor because I love
the nuts and bolts of it all.

Like that woman over there--
I am fascinated

By the way her heart pumps
blood through her body

Ke a machine,
the way her axons are covered

In a thin layer of myelin like
an insulated electrical wire.

But tell me
to empathize with her,

To be totally open
and vulnerable? Ugh.

No, I-I can't even do that
with my own family,

Let alone a total stranger.

I'm not sure
I can get past that.

What makes you think
you're so special?

Every doctor in this place has
flaws they've been dealing with

Since they were a little kid.
Hell, the guy who taught me

Is constantly getting
in his own way.

Ah, who needs a promotion
anyway?

I'm dating a girl who's always
fighting her own neurosis.

(knocks on window)

Come on, turk! Talk to me!

And you saw my biggest flaw
in action today.

I was willing to let
a patient I liked

Go without an endoscopy

Because I wanted to spare him
a painful procedure.

Sometimes I care
a little too much.

Yeah, but that caring thing
has a major upside.

And so does
your cold bitchy thing.

It'll protect you from letting
all this stuff weigh you down.

Remember last Monday?

We spent that night
watching a young father

Die of lung cancer.
Do you remember his name?

No, um,
not even a little bit.

Jack fremont.

Sometimes I still think
about him,

And that
is not a good thing.

(chuckles)
what?

You're so in touch
with your emotions,

And I can't really
get to mine.

It's kinda like I'm the dude
and you're the chick.

I'm not really getting
that simile, jo,

But if it works for you,
awesome.

So now we know what my deal is.
How you gonna fix it?

I'm not gonna fix anything.
I got my own garbage.

You're gonna do this
on your own.

You're a doctor.

(monitor beeping steadily)
turk, come on. I'm desperate.

Elliot, todd and I
are in the middle

Of teaching our interns
how to do an appendectomy.

Oh, please, you just cut it out
and sew him up.

She's right, actually.
Finish up.

Look, carla always says that
making love with you is perfect.

(chuckles) yeah, she did.

Tell me what makes it
so special.

I mean, she says
that you even cry sometimes.

Thank you for sharing.

That's okay, t-dog.

If it doesn't hurt,
you're not doing it right.

I just want things to be
different with j.D. This time,

To be better.
You wanna know what's so special about carla and me?

That we don't have to try
and make it special. Okay?

We're just connected. If you
want things to be different

With j.D. This time around,
you're gonna have to give up

All of that immature,
neurotic over-thinking

And just be with each other.
Todd, hit the button.

What button?

(light clicks)

Much better.

(pounding on window)
(elliot) turk!

Oh! That's not right.

So this is what fear
feels like, huh?

It's kinda like
being really drunk,

Only... In a very sad way.

You're just loving watching me
fall apart le this, huh?

More than comfy shoes
and a warm place to crap.

Yeah.
But you're gonna take this job,

Partly because
you were meant to do it,

But mostly because if you don't,
I will always remind you

That you are
a sac-less little fraidy-cat.

Why in the hell did you try
to talk me out of it?

I had to tell you the truth
to prepare you.

If I'd fluffed it up, you would
have tortured me forever.

So you really think
I'm the man for the job?

Who the hell do you think
recommended you?

Thank you.
You're welcome.

(joshua radin)
� sitting here on this... �

Oh, god, no.
What?

You don't really think
we're becoming friends, do you?

Good lord. I hope not.

(groans)

You wanna come over
for a brewski tomoow

And check out
my hobby shop?

Too fast, bob.
Yeah, I knew when I said it.

Oh, good. You're done
with your qut time.

Look, the nurse said
that mr. Lawton's having

A bit of a breakdown
about his cancer.

I want you to go over there
and help him through it.

You really want me
talking to him?

If he cries,
I'm gonna hit him. Don't mess it up.

Okay.

I knew I couldn't fix jo,

But I could still give her
a push,

Because sometimes
that's all people need

To deal with their fatal fla

� say you want
the same thing, too �

Well, I'm the new chief.

� I could've saved
so much time for us � ohh!

Uh... What the hell
is happening?

Still too soon?

Way too soon, bob.

And even if some people
can only take a baby step...

I can't imagine
what it's like to have cancer,

But I bet it sucks.

It totally sucks.
� jump in the cold water �

� need to grow older
with a girl like you �

� finally see
you are naturally �

You all right?
Yeah, I'll get through.

� when you show me the truth �

Others might finally be able
to stop trying so hard

And just let the moment happen.

Wow. You look amazing.

Even in cookie pants?

Especially in cookie pants.

� the way I do �

He's not dead.
He's upstairs... Dying.

(man) is he a patient here?

Yeah. He's in the psych ward.
He says he's an owl,

But... (chuckles) you can't
believe a word he hoots.

(beep)
that one's for you, grandpa.

He's not dead.
He's on the roof.

(man) why on the roof?

He thinks he's a mountain lion.

(beep)
just like my granddad taught me when I was a boy.

He said,
"janitor, don't marry a german.

They have monkey feet."

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