All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s05e21 Swing Vote.eng

Hey!
What the hell is this?

I'm guessing it's my latest
budget cut proposal

based on your rage sweat.

First of all,
I am rage glowing.

Second, you wanna cut funding

for the Pawnee Palms
Public Putt-Putt?

What did
the P.P.P.P.P. ever do to you?

Ron is very anti-government,
and he has that philosophy,

but there are just certain
things that you don't cut.

Schools, police, mini-golf,
merry-go-rounds, parades,

gazebo repair,
roads and bridges, whatever.

Pretty gardens,
hummingbird feeders.

I believe in cutting
useless government projects.

I also believe
in cutting useful projects,

future projects,
and past projects.

The Hoover Dam
is a travesty.

You also believe
in making furniture.

Why don't you go
solder a chair instead?

Do you expect me
to make a chair

out of transistor chips
and small wires?

Look, the defunding
of the mini-golf course

is on the agenda for the city
council meeting tomorrow.

I'm sure you'll argue against it
with your trademark vigor.

Oh, I will argue,
and I'm gonna win.

That putt-putt
is gonna be around forever,

and when I am done with it,

it'll attract more visitors
than the Hoover Dam.

And it'll produce double
the amount of electricity.

- How?
- I'll figure it out.

It already has windmills.
Who cares?

Councilmen, I have something
to discuss with you,

but before I do,
can I just point out

how handsome
the both of you look today?

- Yeah, I know.
- I feel very ill.

Okay, well, tomorrow
we are voting on funding

for the mini-golf course,
and personally,

I think it is great
for families,

it's a great job creator,
and it's extremely cute.

I'm wondering which way
you two are leaning.

Well, the last time
I was there,

I saw kids of all races
getting along and playing.

It was terrible.

So I'm voting
to get rid of it.

At least you have
a good reason.

Well, Howser is with me.

Milton is with Dexhart.

Jeremy, you're the swing vote.

- What do you think?
- Hmm.

Well, on the one hand, I love
cutting government programs.

On the other hand,
mini-golf rules.

And on the third hand,
I hate both you and Ron Swanson.

So this one could go either way.

I'm kind of a badass wild card.

Hey, what are you
doing tonight?

More like who am I doing?

No one.

I'm free.
What's up?

Can I get two beers
and an ice water

for my friend here,
designated driver?

I am?
You drove here.

Nah, it's too late, bro.

I already ordered the water.

I don't know
what you want me to do.

Andy and I just closed
a big donation

to the Redwood Music Program,

a charity he discovered,

so I suggested we all go out
for a celebratory drink.

And somehow I just ended up
becoming the designated driver.

And paying for everyone.

And I didn't
get to choose the bar.

I should be more assertive.

Aw, the band
is moving me tonight.

It's really good.

Really?
They sound kinda crappy to me.

Kinda sounds like
one of your songs, babe.

Well, you know what,
Mouse Rat has a lot of influence

on some
of the local high school bands,

mostly 'cause Chang
buys 'em beer and whatnot.

Wait, Andy,
this is a Mouse Rat song.

That's my band.

I didn't recognize us
without me

because I'm
the only one that matters.

Thank you, everyone.

We are Rat Mouse.

Rat Mouse?

Rat bastards.

They're playing without me?

That's a song I wrote!

Hey, baby, can I borrow
your car for a month?

I already lent you my car.

Do you not know
where my car is?

Ugh, I'm so sick
of the third degree.

It's like dating a cop.

I'm gassy.
Let's make out.

- What?
- Yeah.

Move aside!

Dating Mona-Lisa
is awesome.

Except that I live
in constant fear for my life.

So I guess it's time
to do the mature thing

and have someone else
dump her for me.

Uh, Perkins, sit down.

I just heard
that you and Traeger

might be
getting back together.

Yeah, it's funny, right?

I mean,
we're already planning

on having a baby together.

We're not quite
a couple but--

Yeah. Cool. Congrats.

Listen, I need your help.

My girlfriend is crazy.

You say that
about every girl you date.

You said that about me.

Calm down, Ann.
You're proving my point.

Seriously, Mona-Lisa
is legit insane.

She once jumped
out of a moving car

to buy a Nicki Minaj poster.

Can you break up
with her for me?

I'm not gonna
dump a girl for you.

I'll give you
that chenille blanket of mine

- you love so much.
- Deal.

Ugh, but that's
my favorite blankie.

- Won't you do it for free?
- Nope.

Fine.

Yeah, dead ringer
for Courtney Thorne-Smith.

She works
at the gas station.

Okay, I need to have Jamm
fall in love with this place,

so I'm rolling out
the red carpet.

I need you to stay upbeat.

Keep things light.

Absolutely.

I can be a sort of...

Conversational lubricant.

Yeah, there's probably
a less gross way

to say it, but sure.

I love being a caddy.

It's so much more
than just carrying clubs.

It's about offering
positive reinforcement.

I consider myself a caddy
to everyone in my life.

- Yeah, good one!
- Nice shot!

Great sweeping.

Way to be, duck.

Councilman, nice putter.

Oh, thank you very much.

Some fat Hawaiian guy
left it in my waiting room.

When he came back,
I was all like,

"Oh, uh, yeah, yeah,
no, I haven't seen it.

I don't know."

Classic.

What a great and funny story.

Okay, before we start,
anybody want a hot dog?

Hot dogs?

You know I have irritable bowel
syndrome, you racist.

Yikes, okay.
How about a snow cone on me?

Hello, Councilman.

Chris, Leslie,
snow cone lady.

I see
you're about to play a round

of publicly
subsidized mini-golf.

Mind if I join you?

Well, hello, Burly, Chang.

Hey, man, what's up?

I was just
over at the bar,

enjoying a wonderful night
with my co-workers

who all talked
about how awesome I was,

and I look up,
and what do I see?

A band.

But you're missing something
like, uh, I don't know,

your lead singer/songwriter/
T-shirt designer/nacho chef.

What's up?

First of all,
your nachos are terrible.

No one's had
the guts to tell you.

Why don't you melt
the cheese?

We tried to tell you
about the show, man.

I called your cell,
like, 20 times.

Well, I dropped
my cell phone

in a bowl of cereal
last week, you idiot.

You bothered to call me,
you'd have known that.

Maybe you should
change your name

to Burly and The Backstabbers.

That's a pretty good name,
actually.

Yeah, he's really good
at coming up with names.

Get me
a Budweiser Black Crown.

You guys got
Black Crown here?

If not, you should.

Ron, are you gonna
be joining us?

I won't be playing.

I'm simply here
to remind Councilman Jamm

that this ridiculous play palace

costs the taxpayers
thousands of dollars a year.

And what a bargain.

I mean, kids love it,
adults love it, Jamm loves it.

Everybody loves it.

It's like
the Toy Story 3 of places.

Yeah, she's right, Swanson.

I do love it.

You should relax a little.

Have a snow cone.

Leslie's buying all night.

You don't say.

She's buying you snow cones,

and tomorrow you're voting on
an issue that she cares about.

Hey, guys, what, are we
gonna stand around all day

and listen to Ron
spout off unrelated facts

about blah, blah, blah,
or are we gonna play?

Game on.

Hey, everybody, great news.

They gave us
free mylar balloons.

I got dibs
on the dinosaur.

And the pirate and the dolphin.
I want all of 'em.

- You got 'em.
- Sweet.

The Councilman is away...
Good luck to you both.

Luck has nothing
to do with it, Chris.

Yeah, I could be a pro!

Wow, you are
on fire, Jeremy.

- Having fun?
- Mmhmm.

I think this proves
that this is a wonderful place

that brings joy
to people's lives

and brings
a community together.

It's also a place
that costs the taxpayer

$9,000 in annual subsidies.

You guys sound like school.

I have two important pieces
of caddy information.

Councilman Jamm
leads by eight strokes,

and you are both
about to set a course record.

For friendship.

On to the next hole.

You are pandering
to get a vote.

And worse,
you're deliberately losing.

I am not
deliberately losing.

I'm having
a very off night.

Losing on purpose
is a form of lying.

You're only as good
as your word.

You want a word, Ron?

I have a word for you.

I will do anything
I can to get Jamm's vote

so that he will
keep this course open,

and it will be good
for the community--

stop!
I know it's more than one word.

Shut up.

Hi, Mona-Lisa?

Hi.

I'm Ann Perkins.

- I used to date Tom.
- Oh, okay.

We can do this,
but I will bite you.

Is that a screwdrive--
no, I do not want to fight.

- No.
- Okay.

I just wanna
talk to you woman-to-woman

because I know Tom
pretty well.

Do you know his ATM pin?

'Cause I cannot crack

that little bitch's code.

I don't.

You know what
used to drive me nuts?

He is a total control freak.

I mean, you have to put
a coaster down on every surface,

and the worst part is,
they're all

made out of pictures
from Diddy's Instagram.

Diddy's on Instagram?

How did I not know that Diddy
was on Instagram, you jagweeds?

- Who are you yelling at?
- The jagweeds.

Why are you
still in front of me?

-
Everything that used to...
- I'm done with that band.

I mean, I'm an adult now,
you know?

I work two part-time jobs.
Hello.

I don't need the stress

of playing guitar
with my friends every few weeks.

Yeah, plus look how bad
they are without you.

Burly's terrible.

He actually has
a really beautiful voice

for a backup singer.

Right,
that's what I meant.

I love Andy,
but to be perfectly honest,

Mouse Rat's music
is not my thing.

I really only listen to,
like, German Death Reggae

and Halloween sound effects
records from the 1950s.

And Bette Midler.

Obviously.

You know what,
I'm retiring from music.

- Andy. Andy.
- Done.

But not without first

a monster farewell
performance solo

on this stage tonight,
everybody.

I'ma show these idiots
what a big mistake they made.

I need piece of paper, I need
a pen, I need four more beers,

I need a computer fan, I need
a lightning bolt of inspiration.

It's song writing time.

What do you need
a computer fan for?

Sometimes when you use
a computer, it gets hot,

and the fan
cools it down.

You know,
I think it's great

that you're cool
with Tom's financial situation.

What are you talking about?

Tommy owns his own business.

Yeah, but he had
to borrow a lot of money,

and when you're not around,

Tom drinks tap water.

What?

Excuse me.

You're broke?

Uh, yeah, super broke.
Are you upset about that?

Mm, yeah, 'cause I don't
eff with poorsies.

But thanks to a warning
from my new best friend,

I don't have to, okay?

We're done,
you're awesome,

and I don't even usually
like Puerto Rican chicks.

I'm not--I mean,
it shouldn't matter, but I'm--

You're breaking up
with me?

- Oh, man, that sucks.
- That's right. It's over.

Let's go dance.

Help.

Ugh, I cannot catch
a break.

You better find
your stroke, Knope.

Guys, I'm gonna
let Julie go home.

It's getting late, and Jeremy's
eaten all the syrup.

Thank you.

It's been an honor
working alongside you.

- Thanks.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up.

Snow cones
are half the fun.

Yeah, Julie,
could you stay, please?

I have calculus homework.
I--

Oh, well, math is worthless
in real life.

I mean, there's an app
for calculating tips.

That's all you need.

Math is very important,

especially for young women.
Stay in school.

I've made my point.
Leslie has made hers.

Which way are you voting,
Councilman?

Uh, well, I'm kind of
still on the fence

about this budget thing,

but I do love watching
you guys squabble over me.

You sure make a guy feel
like a real lady.

Weird.

All right,
how about this?

You two play each other.

Nine holes.
Winner gets my vote.

I'm game. Ron?

An athletic competition
where both parties

are competing their hardest
is certainly more honorable

than whatever
this charade is.

Sudden death playoff

on the very course
that hangs in the balance.

I could literally faint

if I didn't
have impeccable blood pressure.

Oh, hey, everybody.

My name is Andy Dwyer.

You probably know me
as the artist formerly known

as the lead singer
of Mouse Rat.

Well, after tonight, you'll only
know me as the former artist

formerly known
as the lead singer of Mouse Rat.

I'm retiring from music.

This is my swan song.

- Tom.
- What happened to you?

Mona-Lisa happened to me.

She covered me in glitter
and Anna Nicole body spray.

Why do they still
even make that?

They don't--she's had
the same bottle for years.

She just mixes in
water and baby oil.

Now it's your turn
to help me, okay?

You need to break things off
with me and Mona-Lisa.

Uh, Ann,
this might be a battle

you need to fight yourself.

I try not to get involved

in other people's
personal relationships.

Aah! Don't hurt me.

Get me
out of this friendship!

Why is there a gorilla
guarding this gingerbread house?

Because mini-golf
is awesome.

It's cute, and it's fun,
and it needs to be saved.

Less talk.
More competing for my vote.

Wow.

This is it.

Ron leads by one.

If he hits the ball
into the dragon's mouth,

he gets Jamm's vote.

Uh, bean sprouts.

Tofu.
Ralph Nader.

Ayn Rand
is a terrible writer.

Don't mess up, don't mess up,
don't mess up.

- Damn it!
- Hole- in-one!

Excellent win, Ron.

Even better loss, Leslie.

Ultimately, we learn
the most about ourselves

through the losses.

Swanson, I hate you.

Nothing will change that.

But I respect the hell
out of your short game.

You got my vote, hombre.

Hey, you got
a hole-in-one on 18,

so I'm supposed
to give you this.

No, he gets
the dragon too?

A fine trophy.

I think I'll keep it
in the office.

No, you won't.

- Here, kid, want this, huh?
- Yeah.

Take it and run.
Run!

Tom, she's coming!
Tom!

Okay, desperation time.
Follow my lead.

What lead?
What do you mean?

What are you--
oh.

What the mother-effing, c-ing
ess-ing, effing k-ing eff

is going on right now?

Sorry, Mona-Lisa.

We can't keep our hands
off each other.

That is accurate.

Oh, it's all
finally very clear.

All the times
that you were like,

"Oh, no,
Tom's no good for you."

And all the times you tried
to break it off with me...

- I finally get it.
- Mmhmm.

You guys want
a threesome.

What? No. We do not wanna
have a threesome with you.

Well, let's not
rush to judgment.

- I mean, I say we hear her out.
- Gross.

Tom, good luck.

You still owe me
a blanket.

She's got a screw loose,
am I right?

Actually she's not the one

in my life
I would call crazy.

Look, I still don't
think we should date.

Oh, me neither.

I've been single
for an hour now,

and it's the tits!

I'd still like
to hook up though.

Yo, do you wanna have
a threesome with us?

Yeah, okay.

- Cool.
- Sweet.

- All right.
- All right.

Yo, what up?
My name is Mona-Lisa.

Well, hello,
fellow employees.

Co-workers,
I bid you adieu.

Whoa, fancy Andy.

Oh, me?
No.

This is just
how I dress now.

Funny goofball music Andy...

is gone.

You're left
with the professional remains.

I'm an adult now.

I'm gonna focus on business,
which is good.

Give me more time
to play video games.

Babe, you love that band
that I also love so much.

They're important to you.

Come on, call Burly
and ask him to let you back in.

Why, so they
can steal my swan song?

Ha, joke's on them.
I forgot it.

No, business
is my life now.

- Okay, what's in there?
- I don't know.

I-it's locked.

- Yeah, that's my briefcase.
- Is it?

Good gravy.

Oh, hello, Ron.

I believe
you know this gorilla.

It used to bring joy
to hundreds of Pawnee families,

but then you got rid
of its habitat, so it died.

Your office shall serve
as its monkey tomb.

- How much did you pay for this?
- Irrelevant.

I would pay any amount
of money to properly shame you.

Leslie, you should know by now
that I live my life

according to a certain set
of principles,

and I do not deviate
from them.

Right, I mean, God forbid
you're flexible in any way.

You should just stick
to your stupid, rigid,

anti-government principles.

But you know what?
Those principles stink.

They're not
the right principles.

You may think so.
I do not.

Thank you
for my new silver-backed friend.

I like him very much.

I will call him "$9,000
of taxpayer money the gorilla."

That is a terrible--
his name is Mr. Fuzzyface!

Hey.

How did your wild dirtbag
fantasy night work out?

Well, Mona-Lisa and the random
girl she grabbed after you left

got into a fistfight
in the parking lot.

Eventually, Mona-Lisa
threw a cinderblock

through the girl's windshield.

She dives in,
steals her purse,

doesn't go for the money,
steals all her birth control pills,

and says, "Bitch,
you're gonna get pregnant."

She then pretends
those are ecstasy

and sells it
to a bunch of college kids

that are drinking
Goldschl?ger at a gas station.

You have to break up
with her.

I tried. Again.

It did not go well.

Did she assault you?

- No, this was a sexual injury.
- Okay, gross.

Anyway, here's
your chenille blanket.

You earned it.

Thanks for your help.

Tom, thank you.

Eh, be nice
to Chenille O'Neal.

I will.

It needs
to be brushed regularly.

Never use a lint roller.

- I'm dead serious.
- Okay.

And keep it out
of direct sunlight.

If I see this
at one picnic, I swear--

Okay, you know what,
I don't even want it anymore.

Yes!

Thank you!

What's up, yellow head?

Jamm, are you here
to rub it in my face

that I lost
your vote last night?

Well, I was, but it doesn't
have to go down that way.

You shook Ron's hand
and told him

that you were gonna vote
to close the putt-putt.

My word is garbage.

Everyone knows that.

Let's talk deal.

What can you offer me
to change my mind?

Wow, Jamm, even for you,
this is pretty sleazy.

Hey, don't act
so shocked.

A few months ago,
you traded me your office

for that stupid
swimming pool bill.

Last night you bring in
a teenage girl

to pump me
full of snow cones.

This is simply
how people like us operate.

I have six things
to say to you.

One: You drive me nuts
with your rigid code of honor.

Two: Congratulations,
putt-putt has been defunded.

And only because Jamm
was going to double-cross you,

and I made him
stick to his word.

Three: I am furious that
putt-putt has been defunded.

Four: I am sorry
that I said

the gorilla's blood
was on your hands.

'Twas Leslie killed
the beast.

Five: Putt-putt is for children,
and they are the future,

and I have already written
a ballot measure

that will save it,
and it will pass.

And six: Your rigid code
of honor, which drives me nuts,

makes you
a wonderful human being,

and I am proud
to call you my friend,

and don't ever change.

- You want a drink?
- Very much.

Burly,
I just want to say I'm sorry

that I haven't been to rehearsal

and that I won't
let you sing or write songs

or walk out onstage
in front of me.

Man, I love playing
with you guys.

And I want back in
if you'll let me.

Well, we never
wanted to kick you out.

It's just, you didn't
show up for practice,

- and we like to play.
- Right.

If you wanna come back in,
you can.

I'm more
of a backup singer anyways.

You can say that again.

No, no, no.

Hey, you got a great voice.

Yeah, Ben!

God, don't say that.

- Welcome back, buddy.
- Yes.

All right!

Hey, I'll even try melting
the cheese on the nachos.

All right.

It won't work.

You're gonna look
like such an idiot.

I have been in the city
council for almost a year,

and I'm proud
of what I've done.

But every once in a while,
I end up in a situation

that makes my stomach queasy.

You're in politics.
What did you expect?

Frankly, I hoped it would
be like dealing with you.

People with strong opinions
hashing it out respectfully.

And then you either
realize that I'm right

or you get hungry
and go home and I win.

There are
a lot of Jeremy Jamms

along the path
you're walking.

I suppose you just
need to figure out

whether it's a path
you truly wanna walk.

Yeah.

I'm taking
that gorilla with me

and putting it back
in the putt-putt

- when it reopens.
- Sorry, no.

That gorilla was a gift

from a very determined co-worker
whom I respect.

And there's
a certain code of honor

that accompanies gift-giving.

God, you're the worst.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Mouse Rat's
Reunion Show,

featuring me, Andy Dwyer,
and for the first time,

Andrew "Burly" Burlinson
on lead vocals.

That's right,
two lead vocalists.

Name one other band
that's done that.

The Beatles.

Three, four!

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