Original subtitles

Good morning, Ben.

- Oh. Sorry. - Sorry.

- Did I scare you? - No.

I just wanted to remind you

of the art show that's happening tonight

at the Community Center.

It's gonna be a lot of fun.

- Great. Great. - Yeah.

Well, that sounds cool.

That sounds like something that'll be a big success,

you know?

I mean, like everything that you, uh--that you put

your--your--your paws on-- your fingers.

Leslie Knope! Ben Wyatt.

Ben, great news--

do you remember the woman I told you about

from the County Commissioner's office?

- Um, vaguely. - Sure you do-- Cindy Miller.

Anyway, she's agreed to go out on a date with you.

Oh, you asked her out for me?

And you're gonna love her.

She is interesting, smart, and beautiful, inside and out.

Inner beauty is very important.

And outer beauty is also very important.

I thought you had a rule

about inter-government relationships.

Oh, don't worry.

Her department is completely separate from ours.

This isn't anything like your affair with Tom Haverford.

- We weren't--you--you-- - I'm sorry.

- Who are you calling? - Cindy Miller.

Cindy Miller! Chris Traeger.

Guess who is standing in this room

- with me right now. - Oh, um...

Ben Wyatt. Ben, say hello.

Uh, hi, Cindy. Sorry.

Hi. No apology necessary.

It's just Chris being Chris.

How are you doing?

Ooh, sparks are flying!

I may have to call the fire department.

That's a government joke.

I love setting people up.

Here's my secret--

I determine someone's best qualities,

and then I find someone else with compatible qualities.

And I bring them together.

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

Ugh. God, this sucks.

Oh. Why don't you just go home for the rest of the day?

I can't go home, 'cause I have this art-show opening

at the Community Center.

And I can't stay here because I see Ben.

And I can't date Ben because of Chris' stupid rules.

- I feel so... - Powerless.

Yeah. I'm like that lightbulb--

weak, flickering, barely giving off any light,

unable to make out with the lightbulb

I want to make out with.

You know what might make you feel better?

- A hug? - Paxil.

Do you want me to get you a prescription?

Ugh.

Hey, Tom, uh, question for you--

do you know anyone who's looking for a roommate?

- How hot? - I--what?

How hot is the woman that's looking for a place to stay?

- No, it's me. I'm looking. - Oh, come on, that's not fair.

You shouldn't have led me to believe

- it was a beautiful woman. - I didn't.

I've been staying

at the Pawnee Supersuites Motel for seven months.

It's a charming little inn

with wonderfully random wake-up calls,

delightfully unstable temperatures,

and, as of yesterday, bedbugs.

"Four stars!" Says nobody.

I wish I could help you out, Benihana, but I can't.

I have a one-bedroom.

I can't have a dude sleeping on my couch

- if and when I bring home a lady. - Mm.

I have a ritual, and it starts on the couch.

- Ecch. - We sit down.

- Okay. Yep. - Clap my hands.

- Lights dim. - I understand.

- Boyz II Men... - Please stop.

- Fades in. - Nope. Nope.

You don't need to explain the ritual-- I'm good.

Oh, you know who might be able to help

a homeless dude, such as yourself?

This is awesomely perfect.

Burly just moved in with his rich girlfriend,

and we need help with the rent.

We have a couple house rules, though.

Yeah, sure. Of course.

You can't use the front door.

You have to climb in through the back window.

No personal phone conversations.

If you ever speak to me in Spanish,

please use the formal usted.

And no electricity after 6:00 P.M.

She's joking.

Okay.

You can use as much free electricity as you want.

- It's free. - Couple more rules--

if you ever watch a sad movie,

you have to wear mascara

so we can see whether or not you've been crying.

There's no noise allowed on mondays

and no TV after breakfast.

She is lying again.

She is-- 'cause it's hard to tell.

No. We leave the tv on all day long

so burglars think that we're home when we're not,

which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.

So you want to move in tonight?

Yeah. Sure. That'd be great.

- You want my gum? - Mm-hmm.

Ugh. Ron, can you make the opening remarks?

I-I just-- I'm not in the mood.

Neither am I, ever.

What's wrong with you? You live for this kind of stuff.

I don't have it in me right now.

Ron, please, do it for me.

Make the speech. Ron. Please. Please.

- Give the speech, Ron. - No.

- Yes. Please. Ron. - No.

Please. Please give the speech.

- Please give the speech. - No, I won't.

- Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes... - No way.

- Please. Please. Please... - No.

- Yes. Yes. Yes. - All right! Damn it, woman.

Okay, everyone, shut up!

And look at me!

Welcome to Visions of Nature.

This room has several paintings in it.

Some are big. Some are small.

People did them, and they are here now.

I believe that after this is over,

they'll be hung in government buildings.

Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me.

I also think it's pointless

for a human to paint scenes of nature

when they could just go outside and stand in it.

Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact

that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art

and attempt to discuss it with me further.

End of speech.

And this is the TV room.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, it's a mess.

Could you throw that in the trash can?

I was just here, like, three weeks ago for your wedding.

What happened?

I don't know. Burly moved out.

He was the one that did all the cleaning

and throwing away and stuff.

Wait, he moved out, like, a week ago.

You guys made this mess in a week?

Well, I always think April's gonna clean up.

- And I never clean up. - It's cute, right?

- No. - Yes, it is.

Are you guys frying marbles?

We were checking to see if the fire alarm worked.

It doesn't.

The biggest challenge to picking

the perfect roommate

is finding someone who's willing to pay

more than their share of rent without knowing it.

I think we found that in Ben.

You forgot to paint a painting, son.

So for my painting,

I chose one of my very favorite Greek myths--

the centaur goddess Dyaphena slaying a great stag.

- It's, uh, stunning. - It's breathtaking, Jerry.

- Yeah. Really is. - Wow. Thanks, guys.

Hey, Leslie, you should really come over here and look

at Jerry's painting.

Oh. Oh, my God.

That's me. Is that me?

What? No.

Oh, jeez, it does look like you.

You're just realizing that now?

That's what you see when you close your eyes

at night, Jerry-- topless Leslie glued to a horse.

Okay, Leslie, I am just so, so sorry.

Dyaphena-- she is this powerful goddess.

And I've been thinking a lot about powerful women.

And subconsciously, I painted you.

I'm sorry. I'm gonna take it right down.

No. Leave it up.

I love it.

I don't know how to explain it.

Every time I look at it, I just think to myself,

"what can't that centaur woman do?"

Besides ride an escalator and drive a car.

Art can be so magnificent.

Oh, my God. The baby is Tom.

What?

This is easily my favorite painting ever.

What the hell, Jerry? Look at my potbelly.

I look like a pregnant baby! And why am I so scared?

All right, we got to take this down now.

Isn't going anywhere, Tom. No, this painting

it's staying right here.

Hello, fellow lover of the arts.

Welcome to the painting.

What--is that you?

- Looks hot. - Thank you.

This guy's in it too. He's the little fat baby.

- Cool. - Yeah.

What's going on over here?

Baby rolls?

Oh. We've been trying to grt that light fixed for months.

- Thank you. - Thank her.

Good morning, Tom.

She marched into my office this morning

and told me she wouldn't leave until I got this done.

Hmm. Well, I'm glad someone's feeling good.

They're gonna hang that painting in a public building

where anybody can see it.

In one brushstroke, Jerry has killed

the Jay-Z vibe that's taken me years to cultivate

and replaced it with a fat, brown, baby vibe,

which is not as cool of a vibe.

Hey, Aphrodite, Chris needs you in his office.

Hmm.

When you're done with the light, fix the printer.

I don't know how to fix printers.

Learn it.

- Leslie, should I go too? - This isn't about you, Jerry.

It's my painting.

Why am I upset?

Uh, let's start with government-funded

animal porn.

Oh, I'm not sure that's fair.

I want it destroyed, and I want a statement

from this office apologizing for an obscene depiction

of bestiality.

Be--bestiality?

It is a picture of a centaur--

a beautiful half person, half horse.

And how did it get like that?

Who had sex with what and gave birth to which?

Miss Langman, we hear you, we understand you,

and we are going to do whatever we can

to come to a solution.

Destroy it.

Destroy it? I mean, is she serious?

Do you find this personally offensive?

Not personally, no.

No, personally, I enjoy a good artistic depiction

of the human form.

I've dabbled in nude sculpture.

I've posed nude.

In college, I was in a nude production of Cats.

Mm.

But I am not in the nude now, am I?

Because we're in a government building.

And that would be inappropriate,

which is what I think Marcia is saying.

So take care of the situation.

That painting is not gonna be destroyed.

Every great work of art contains a message.

And the message of this painting is, "get out of my way

unless you want an arrow in your ass, Marcia."

Morning, roomie. How'd you sleep?

Well, there were no bedbugs. Also no bed.

I'm gonna go buy a bed.

- Fork. - I'm sorry...

Are you eating turkey chili off of a frisbee?

It's pretty cute, right?

No. Do you know what "cute" means?

What have you got against turkey chili for breakfast?

What have you guys got against washing dishes?

We don't have any dishes, okay?

Burly took them all when he left.

Now I bet you feel like a jerk.

Oh, God. Okay, I might need to not stay here anymore.

No. Sorry, dude.

We already spent your money on a new Xbox 360

and more frisbees to eat off of.

- You got to stay. - Oh, God.

Okay. All right. Here's the deal--

We're gonna clean this place up, okay?

And then I'm going to teach you how to be adults.

Cool. We'll get to be adults.

Gee, golly, thanks, mister.

Fork.

Hello, I'm Perd Hapley

and welcome to Ya' heard? With Perd.

Today's show begins now.

Is this art, or is it pornography?

Here to answer this question

is Parks and Recreation deputy director Leslie Knope.

Perd, it is a beautiful work of art.

Governments should not be in the business of censorship,

especially when a painting is as awesome as this one.

But this is where the controversy

of this story gets even more controversial.

You are the subject of this painting--

half woman, half horse,

with what some would say are human breasts.

I am not the subject.

The subject is strong and empowered women everywhere.

But it--it does look a little bit like me.

Leslie, for our viewers at home who might not know,

are centaurs real?

- No. - You absolutely sure?

Okay. So you always separate your lights

from your darks.

That's racist.

And then you get your laundry d--

Where's your laundry detergent?

Right. Here we are.

Okay. This is, uh, bubble bath.

You guys--you wash your clothes in bubble bath?

Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing.

No, it's not.

Well, they both make bubbles, so...

It was never our intention to offend anyone.

I guess some people object to powerful depictions

- of awesome ladies. - Okay.

Also joining us today is a different person,

pornographic film actress Brandi Maxxxx.

Pleasure to be here.

Brandi, you've starred in over 200 adult films,

some which are very good.

When'd you get in the business?

- Last year. - Fantastic.

Now, this painting right here-- art or pornography?

Perd, I think this whole debate is ridiculous.

What Leslie and I do is obviously art.

Oh, hang on.

Um, there's a big difference between an oil painting

of a Greek myth and a pornographic movie.

It's okay, Leslie. I got this one.

What?

What Leslie and I want people to know

is you should be able to have sex anywhere you want

and show it anywhere you want,

whether it's girl-on-girl action,

bondage, or what have you.

Okay. Hang on.

Pornography is very difficult to define.

Um, in fact, it was justice Stewart

who once said, "I can't define pornography,

but I know it when I see it."

Brandi, how would you define pornography?

For me, it's when the penis goes in.

All right, we need to do some basic organization.

Where do you put your bills when they come?

I read the magazines and give the rest to Andy.

Which I organize into a pile or stack

that I put into the freezer.

- Why? - So they won't get lost.

Bingo.

Okay, you have to pay these.

Good thing I didn't lose them.

Okay, new lesson-- basic finance.

I'm gonna teach you how to balance a checkbook.

Okay, I am going to teach you how to open a bank account.

Bank account. Good.

Brandi, I'm Thomas Haverford.

I just wanted to say I thought you made

some excellent points up there.

I totally agree with you that people should be allowed

to have sex in public places.

You look familiar to me.

Hmm, maybe you've seen me down at the Snakehole Lounge.

I'm a part-owner there.

That's you in the painting.

You're the fat baby!

Aww... that's so cute.

- Oh, you're into that? - No.

Damn it, Jerry.

Imagine my horror.

I'm hanging upside-down with my gravity boots

watching Perd.

I see you with your painting.

And I am startled and disappointed.

Well, I did not know that Brandi was gonna offer me

a role in her next film.

I urge you not to take that role.

I'm not going to take the role.

That's good to hear, because, recently,

you've been a little unpredictable.

I'm sorry that I'm trying to defend

a beautiful work of art.

- Thank you, Leslie. - Stand down, Jerry.

- This isn't your fight. - You've left me no choice.

I've convened a meeting of the public arts commission,

and we will abide by their decision.

Fine with me.

Public art commission, filled with hippies

who love public art and sometimes weed.

Jackpot.

I would just like to introduce myself.

My name is Chris Traeger,

and I am a big fan of art.

Council, I am not opposed to pornography.

In fact, you could say I'm definitely for it.

If I had my laptop with me right now,

I would show you a well-hidden folder

with gigabytes of proof.

However, this... thing... is... disgusting...

And wrong.

Please let the record reflect that the fat baby

is referring to the painting.

Hey! I am not a fat baby. I'm a small, slender man--

similar to actor Taye Diggs.

So let the record reflect that--

that I look like Taye Diggs.

Members of the Public Art Commission,

good afternoon, and good art.

Every great society has always supported

artistic expression.

- The Romans... - Perverts.

- The Greeks... - Gay perverts.

To great societies in Europe.

Europeans.

There are some members of this Community

that would like to demonize this painting.

And when they do,

they in fact demonize art itself.

What is or isn't art is up to every free-thinking American

to decide on their own.

Uh, yeah, it's in the bag.

We've decided that the painting

should be destroyed.

- Yeah! Burn it! - Whoo!

What? Are you serious?

You're supposed to be in favor of public art.

Yeah, well, there are nipples in it,

so it just seems like we ought to be safe and destroy it.

Okay. Here is a list of errands

and things that human adults need.

Also, I'm giving you an advance

on next month's rent.

And I want you guys to go to Bed Bath & Beyond

and buy everything on that list.

Or we could buy a Wii.

You can handle this.

I don't know, man.

Why don't you just do it?

No, I can't. I--I...Have a date.

Ooh, what's his name?

It's actually not--

uh, Chris set it up. Never mind.

The point is, stick to the list, and you'll do great.

I have total faith in you.

There's, like, a 30% chance they'll both die.

So how do you want to do this?

Burn it publicly or burn it privately,

and I put the footage on my blog or...?

You've made your point, okay?

Look, this painting is very important to me.

It doesn't need to hang in a government building.

Just let me take it home, and I'll keep it there.

What do you say?

I say this painting is going to burn--

first here, then in hell.

Do I need to get this validated?

- I don't--I don't know. - No?

Okay, then, great.

I'm just gonna pull my car around,

and you can load it in the back.

No.

- Hey! Come back here! - Make me, stag! I am Dyaphena!

This place is amazing.

Oh, my God, they have a thing that makes sherbet.

We need five of those!

No, we need to stick with what's on the list.

First things first, oven mitts.

Where are the oven mitts?

Oh, my God. They have all the As-Seen-On-TV stuff!

- Nuh-uh. - Shake weight, Iron Gym...

Miracle Hand Repair, Big Top cookie,

- Pillow Pet, Slap Chop. - Honey.

- Oh, my God. - Honey, honey, listen to me.

Get it all.

Grab everything that we've seen it on TV

and put it in this cart right now.

Iron gym-- I am gonna get so buff.

Oh, my God. Marshmallow shooter.

Marshmallow shooter! Get two.

Wait, what about the Magic Bullet?

Yeah. I've seen that.

- Oh, hi. - Hi.

I was at a meeting around the corner,

and some people wanted to destroy this painting,

so I brought it here.

Where's Andy and April?

They're out shopping.

- What are you doing here? - I moved into the spare room.

Really?

- Yeah. - Huh.

Can I come in? Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Of course.

Why do they want to destroy it?

Well, it's a painting of me as a centaur.

- Okay. - And it's a nude.

Oh.

Just basically, like, the "chestal" region.

- Uh-huh. - Mostly.

You don't have to look at it if you don't want to.

- No, no, no. - It's very classy.

Yeah, no, I'm sure it is.

Oh, man. It's Chris. Got to take this.

- Okay. - Hi, Chris.

Leslie Knope, you need to bring that painting back.

What painting?

Leslie, you have the painting,

and you need to bring it back in.

I think I've been pretty fair with you.

And I'm starting to feel angry.

And I don't like feeling angry.

My heart is racing.

It's going literally 45 beats a minute.

I'm sorry.

If I could just explain to you my point of view--

You will bring that painting in tomorrow morning

and surrender it to Marcia Langman.

And that's that. Do you understand me, madam?

Yes.

- Hehe - Manipedi--

What are we doing?

We didn't get a single thing that Ben told us to.

Sure we did. We got the Marshmallow shooter.

That's-- I don't think that's on the list.

- But I want it. - I want it too.

But I also kind of want my own fork...

Just 'cause you eat really slow,

which is cute, but also super annoying.

- Fine. - What? What's wrong?

Nothing. It's just adults are boring, and I hate them.

And I don't want to buy all this stupid, boring,

adult stuff and become boring adults.

Hey, listen to me.

Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack,

and shower curtains, and a cutting board.

But if you think for one second

I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter

so that I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows

when you're asleep,

then you're the dumbest woman I know.

You're gonna make me cry.

You're a levelheaded person. What do I do here?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, it is one of the basic rules of government

that you shouldn't offend people.

Yeah. I guess you're right.

I just-- I'm so annoyed by all these rules lately.

- Me too. - Ha ha.

Hey, Leslie. What are you doing here?

Hey. Um, well, I, um, I stole a painting.

And, um, I was hoping you guys would help me hide it.

I like it. It's very simple.

No, it's on the other side.

Oh, my God. Is that you as a naked horse?

Does it look like me? I don't even--

Leslie, I mean, not to be inappropriate or anything,

'cause you're my boss and my friend,

but I would totally hit that.

- So would I. - You guys are sweet.

Okay. I should go and hit the road with this.

And, um... Okay.

- I'll see you later. - Bye.

Bye, Leslie.

So how'd we do?

I don't know. Does this answer your question?

No. Did you buy plates?

Oh, plates.

Leslie, what are you doing?

Say good-bye to Dyaphena.

I have to turn her over to stupid Marcia Langman.

- Really? Oh. - What?

I mean, to be honest,

that seems like the kind of thing I would do.

And I didn't think you would give in.

Come with me.

- Hey, man. - Roomie!

Dude, it's super fun to eat cereal

from a bowl with a spoon.

- Thank you for that. - No problem.

Though, you know, you're not supposed to

bring your dishes into work, right?

Ha ha. Good one.

I'm serious.

What's going on between you and Leslie?

I noticed a weird vibe when we came in the room.

Nothing. I mean, we're friends--

just regular friendship... develop-- development.

Come on, roomie, you can tell me.

I know there's something.

I bet you I can guess what it is.

She stole money from you.

What? No, no, Andy,

she did not.

I think we like each other.

But Chris has this very strict rule--

co-workers can't date.

So, you know, it's not even an option.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Well, first of all, Leslie-- she's, like, the coolest ever.

You've chosen well.

And secondly, hey, man, if it's gonna happen...

It's gonna happen.

Look at me and April.

If you're anything like us,

three weeks from now, you'll be married, my friend.

I'm glad you finally came to your senses.

I know that's not an easy journey for you to make.

Let's take a look at it first, shall we?

Whoa! It looks amazing!

I had the artist paint over the Original.

- Feel free to destroy it. - No!

But I think you'll find

no one could possibly be offended,

unless, of course, they have a problem

with centaurs having modern haircuts.

There were many kinds of Greek goddesses.

Some were lovers. Some were warriors.

And some were tricksters.

I am so glad that this got resolved,

because I hate being angry.

- Hmm. - Ben!

- Come in here. - Okay.

How did your date with Cindy go?

Uh, you know, she wasn't really my type.

She's a tall brunette. You always like tall brunettes.

Well, not exclusively.

Historically, yes, exclusively.

He said he didn't like her, so it's over.

Okay, well, I'm gonna keep trying,

- because you are incredible. - Thank you.

And you deserve someone amazing

and smart and beautiful.

- Thank you. - A real goddess.

- Exactly. - Mm.

Hey! ...what about Shelly, from the health-food store?

I don't know who that is.

Her brother died climbing Everest?

Great.

- Interesting, right? - No.

Nice job, Jerry.

You look like Enrique Iglesias.

- Just wish I had more time. - Why?

This is amazing.

It looks like me, and I look awesome.

Is your penis between the front arms

or the back legs?

- Yeah, where's your penis? - Damn it, Jerry!

Gail... I know Jerry is your husband.

Look, I can promise you there's absolutely nothing

going on between us.

No, no, I did not pose for that painting.

But thank you for thinking I did.

Okay, well... sure. Hold on.

Gail, sweetheart, you have nothing to worry about.

Okay?

I'm not gay, neither is Jerry,

and I didn't pose for him.

I promise you, hon, Jerry only has eyes for you.

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

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Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

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