All language subtitles for Parks and Recreation s02e15 Sweetums.eng

Hi, I'm Tom Haverford. I work at the parks department.

It's a little douchy

Good call, J.

I'm getting divorced, so i'm trying to up my game.

Who am I supposed to ask
for fashion device? Jerry?

He wears the same
soup-stained khakis every day.

Justin's my savior.

He's like an issue of gq
that's come to life.

- * duh-duh-duh
duh-duh duh-duh duh-na-ba *

Tommy timberlake.

- You look like
encyclopedia brown.

- Sequins!

- Try it without the gloves.
- Sequins!

Minus the gloves.

Hey, what's up.
I'm tom.

Is my shirt lighting up,
'cause I didn't even notice.

All right, guys,
let's talk accessories.

Be honest.
Which cane do you like better?

Dragon. Serpent.
Dragon. Serpent.

Belt buckle
says "what's crackin'?"

I can have it say
whatever I want.

It can say "what's crackin'?
I'm tom."

"what's crackin', girl?"
"what's crackin', boo?"

Eagle medallion.
[as bird] gah gah.

- Well, as far as white leather
suits go...

- It's horrible.
- I like it.

[triumphant music]

- Sweetums has been pawnee's
leading sweet treat manufacturer

For over 80 years.

And we are so excited
about our new partnership

With the parks department.

[cheers and applause]
huh? Welcome.

- Starting next month,

Sweetums is gonna take over
the concession stands

In our parks.

I-I don't love the idea
of corporate sponsorship,

But sweetums
is an institution.

When you think of pawnee,
you think of sweetums.

- Although candy
is our bread and butter,

We also care about the health
of our customers.

And that's why we'll be debuting
our new, healthy energy bar,

Nutriyums.

Take a look.

- Hi. I'm nick newport, jr.
Ceo of sweetums.

And I'd like to introduce to you
our new line of energy bars,

Nutriyums.

We start with 100%
all-natural corn.

Then we add just a little bit
of sweetums' corn syrup,

Little drop of sunshine,
and some other stuff.

And since
they're from sweetums,

You know your kids are gonna
love it.

- Wow, that family looks
so healthy.

Look at them.
They're all wearing vests.

- Dakota, denver.
[dog barks]

Sorry, shoelace,
we don't make nutriyums

For dogs...Yet.

- [laughs] shoelace.

- Nutriyums,
where nutritious meets tasty.

By sweetums.

- If you can't beat 'em...
- All: Sweetums!

- I could not be happier
about this.

I think the entire government
should be privatized.

Chuck e. Cheese
could run the parks.

Everything operated
by tokens.

Drop in a token,
go on the swing set.

Drop in another token,
take a walk.

Drop in a token,
look at a duck.

- * brendanawicz *
quick question.

Do you personally know
xzibit?

Because I was checking out
that pickup truck of yours

And that ride is pimp.

- It's really nice of you
to compliment my pickup truck

With no ulterior motive.

- Yeah, so listen,
I need to move some stuff

This weekend
into my new bachelor pad

Since my divorce
is finally going down.

Just some odds and ends.

You can bring over
the markmobile,

Help me move, right?

- I'm totally blanking
on a valid excuse right now.

So yes, I'll help you.
- My boy!

- I [bleep] hate
having a pickup truck.

- Andy, I have
a very interesting

Business proposal for you.

I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff
out of my place this weekend.

- Can I help you move?
I'm really good at it.

Afterwards, I'll take
the cardboard from the boxes

And I'll use it
for break dancing.

- I'll go too.
- Really.

'cause an hour ago,
you told me

You'd rather watch a sex tape
of your grandparents.

- Shut up. I don't have
anything else to do.

Do you want help or not?

- All right.
See you guys later.

- I think that that's
really, really sweet

That your grandparents
still make love.

- Oh. Ready to go?
- Yes. Your keys, please.

- [chuckles] you got to be
kidding me.

I'm fine.

- We'll let the chart
be the judge of that.

What, are you 5'11"?
210 pounds.

Three whiskeys.

It looks like you're just
over the line into impaired.

- You carry that with you
all the time?

- It comes in handy.

And on the back, it teaches you
how to play blackjack.

- Swansons have
a preternaturally high tolerance

For alcohol.

My old man used to put
wild turkey on his corn flakes.

- I'm not gonna argue
with you, ron.

We're just gonna sit and wait
until, you know,

You're safe to drive,
which would be in about...

One hour.

"insurance is a side bet
when you wager half

"of your original bet
because you believe the dealer

Has a 10 in the hole."

- [honks horn]

- Get off my car, woman!
- 20 minutes!

The dealer really has
an advantage.

That's what I get the most
from this.

Hey, ron.

- Morning, leslie.
Did you have a good night?

- I did. I watched
a really good docu--

What is that?

- This is what I did
last night.

After I got home,

I drank six more glasses
of whiskey

And then I finished crafting
this small harp

Using a band saw,
a spokeshave,

And an oscillating
spindle sander.

[harp strings ring
harmoniously]

- Beautiful.
- But wait, there's more.

Here are some photographs
of me drinking the whiskey.

You'll notice I'm holding up
yesterday's newspaper

So you can tell
that I'm not lying.

- Mm. I feel
like I'm in a spa.

- So I got my truck
all cleaned out

And ready to go
for tomorrow.

Do you have, like,
furniture pads and, uh, dollies,

That sort of thing?

- Ooh. I thought the mover
supplied those.

- I'm not a mover.
I'm a sap who owns a truck.

- Don't talk about yourself
like that.

And bring some coffee.
- Hey, are you moving out?

Have you told wendy
how you feel yet?

- Uh, waiting
for the right time.

- It's right now.
The time is now.

- Just don't worry about it.
I'm fine.

- Hmm.
- What's that over there?

- Mm.
- Holy cow.

- Mm.
- Man.

- Wow.
- That is good stuff.

- Great, right?
- Oh, my god.

They're amazing.
- They're more than amazing.

They are terrific.

- Terrific's not more
than amazing, jerry.

- No?
Well, it's not less.

- Everything sweetums makes
is off the charts.

I like their candy
fingernails.

- I can't believe
these things are healthy.

- Mm.
- Well, it's not that crazy.

Krackel bar is also healthy
and delicious.

- No, they're not.
- Yeah.

They--they actually have rice
in them, so...

- Mm, andy, you're fine,
but you're simple.

[muffled dance music]

* *

- Who just put 100 of these
in their body?

- Annnnnnn!
Oh! Look at you!

You're looking pretty
unhealthy today.

You might need
one of these.

Nutriyum by sweetums.

* if you can't beat 'em,
sweetums *

- I love that song.
- Ow!

- I got to go check
my email.

- We're gonna sell these
in the park now.

- They're healthy.
- Holy god.

No, they're not.
They're terrible for you.

- No, they're not.

There's a picture
of lance armstrong on there.

- Yeah, but look
at the ingredients.

High-fructose corn syrup,
corn syrup--

- There's only 8 grams of fat.
- Yeah. Per serving.

A bar is four servings.

- Well, people seem
to enjoy them.

Look how happy
everybody is.

[dance music playing loudly]

* *

- Yeah,
that's a sugar rush.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- That makes sense.

- They're gonna crash soon

And it's not
gonna be pretty.

- Yeah, I'm gonna crash
soon too

'cause I've eaten, like,
40 of these.

- Oh, god.

Generally, I like to stay out
of other people's business.

But pawnee is the fourth most
obese city in america.

The kids here are beefy.

They're just husky, big-boned,
plus-sized chunk monsters.

I call 'em like I see 'em.

[silence]

- Leslie.
- Yeah.

- Let's get some almonds
in you, okay?

- Okay.
- Can--

- I can't open them.

- [sprays]
- oh! Back to work.

I hate it here.
This place is evil.

- I think these
are the only two films

That say "sweetums"
on the label.

- Yeah, well, let's take
them both.

We might find something
interesting.

Here. Just--I'll stick them
under my shirt.

We'll just walk out.
- They have sensors.

Just check them out.
It's free.

- Hi, marci.
- Leslie.

Are they finally teaching
you parks people how to read?

Ha. Oh, I guess not.
It's a movie.

- You're pretty cocky
for someone whose job

Is obsolete
because of the internet.

- [laughs]
let's see.

Hmm. You seem to have a $40
late fee on a book called

[shouting] mysteries
of the female orgasm!

- No, I don't!
- Yeah, you do.

- Ann, grab the movie.
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Punk ass book jockeys!

[alarm beeping]

- So you guys all good

With, uh, sweetums' concession
stand deal?

I can go ahead and sign off
on it?

- You bet ya.
- Actually, no. No.

We are worried
that the energy bars

That they're gonna sell
are grossly unhealthy

And they're misleading people
about what's actually in them.

- No. We're not worried
about that.

We're fine
and we sign off.

- Paul, can I have a sidebar
with ron?

- I guess.
- Sidebar, ron.

I did some research
and nutriyums

Are terrible for you.

- I don't care.
We're doing it.

- Nah--ta--plee--buh-huh--
we're in a sidebar.

Uh, do you not care
about your city's health?

- I care
about the people's right

To consume
whatever they want.

- Paul, can you and I
have a sidebar?

- No.

- Okay, I think maybe
we should hold a public forum.

That way we won't
be liable.

- There's no point.
It's a homrun for the city.

- No, I think she's right.

It's a good
"cover our ass" move.

Let's do it.
- Paul.

Leslie, why must you stick
your nose

Into everyone else's
business?

- Sidebar, paul.

Ron's upset because I didn't
let him drive last night.

- Stop sidebaring.

- Somebody's grouchy.

- You said it was just
odds and ends.

- It is. Yeah.
And some furniture.

And--and the plasma tv.

- You haven't even folded up
the boxes yet.

- Dude, deep blue sea.
Greatest movie ever made.

- That's the canadian version.
22 extra minutes.

And there's a bonus
audio track

Where ll cool j raps
all his dialogue.

- What? We're watching this
right now.

- No, no, no.
- Pop it in.

- We should really pack
this room up and get moving.

- So this is a really big room
I need packed up, guys.

- This is your bedroom?

- No. It's a spare room
I converted

Into a walk-in closet/
home fitness center.

- What is that?

- Oh. I strapped
an mp3 player

To one of those
floor-cleaning robots.

I call him dj roomba.

Little guy cruises around
and plays music.

What's hot, dj roomba?

[hip-hop music]

Dj roomba, tearing it up!

- He likes me.
[laughs]

- Let's dance for a little
while, mark. What--?

- Nutriyums energy bars
are just absolutely loaded

With high-fructose corn syrup
and fatty oils.

And any way you slice it,

They're just extremely unhealthy
for you.

- Leslie needs to butt out.

The whole point
of this country

Is if you want to eat garbage,
balloon up to 600 pounds,

And die of a heart attack
at 43, you can.

You are free to do so.
To me, that's beautiful.

- [exhales]
any questions?

- I--if sugar's so bad,

How come jesus made it taste
so good?

- Uh...Yes.

- But isn't all food
bad for you?

I've been eating
lasagna and muffins

Every day of my life
for 40 years

And I feel terrible.

- Right.

- What's so bad
about corn syrup?

It's natural.
Corn's a fruit.

Syrup comes from a bush.

- Oh, boy.

- How do we know
you're really a nurse?

- I am. I promise.
I work at st. Joe's.

- Well, the point is my friend
thinks you're cute.

Give me your number
so he can have it.

- Yeah.
That's not gonna happen.

- Can I have your email address?
I just got on aol.

- Oh, my god. No.

- I think we ought to throw
those bars out

And eat ham and mayonnaise
sandwiches.

- That's not a good idea.
- Ham and mayonnaise!

- It's not--
- ham and mayonnaise!

- No, no, no.

[people chanting
"ham and mayonnaise"]

- Oh, god, I can't believe
you do this every week.

- I'm actually encouraged.

The questions were more relevant
than usual.

- Yeah, I need to order
the brown timberlands

In a size 8, narrow.

How much is the next-day
shipping?

I don't--
what's two-day shipping?

Yeah, I'd like to place an order
for one pad thai, chicken.

And, uh, no scallions on it,
please.

Just for one person.
Yeah, just one.

Man, I saw mark carrying,
like, three boxes.

That dude is strong.

- Whatever.
I'll carry five boxes.

- Go get 'em, champ.

- Okay, donna, where do you
want this?

- Uh-uh, that's it.

My baby has a delicate
suspension.

- Are you kidding me?
- No, I'm not. Move.

- Put it in your truck,
brendanawicz.

There's plenty of room.

- Hey! Ee! Ah!
My pocket squares!

[dog barking]

- Sorry, shoelace,

We don't make nutriyums
for dogs...Yet.

- Nutriyums,
where nutritious meets tasty.

By sweetums.

- I guess that about says
it all.

- No, it doesn't, actually.

I think we should watch
another video right now.

One that your company made
30 years ago.

- I'm nick newport,
president of sweetums,

Giving you a look inside
our corn syrup factory.

This is all-new high-fructose
corn syrup,

A miracle product
that's sweeter than sugar,

But cheaper to produce.

Cheap, delicious,
sugary corn

Is currently being used
by farms

To fatten up their cows
and pigs.

Look how fat those cows are!

Fat, happy, and docile.

The way we like 'em.

- [clears throat]

So you still want to claim
that corn syrup is healthy?

- Corn syrup is natural
and it's fine in moderation.

But don't take my word
for it.

Ladies and gentlemen,
mr. Nick newport, jr.!

[cheers and applause]

- Hey, guy.
Hey, how you doing?

How you doing?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- My kids,
denver and dakota!

[cheers and applause]

- Ah!
- [giggling]

- I just want to get a--
ah, that's good hose water.

- Hey.
- Don't get my shoes.

Hey, what's up, guys.
You come to help tom move too?

Too late! We already
almost got all of it.

- No. We just thought
it'd be funny

To see April
doing physical labor.

- [snickers] ah.

It's been an awesome
moving day.

I got the little robot
to play dave matthews.

* oh, little baby *

- What's he talking about?
- Dj roomba.

- What?
- All right.

Back to the grindstone.

Awesome seeing you, dudes.
- See ya.

- Later, bro.
- Ha ha!

- Hi.
- Hi.

- God, this is so weird.
It's like, end of an era, huh?

It's kinda sad.

- Eh, we'll still be friends.
- Yeah.

Well, hey, you guys
must be starving.

You want me to order you a pizza
or something?

- Oh, that'd be great. Yeah.
- Okay.

- Why don't you get
some canadian bacon on it

Since you're from canada...
- Mm-hmm.

- And sausage
'cause I am brown and spicy.

- [laughs] okay.
All right.

Well, I will, um, see you
around, I guess, right?

- Yeah. I'm around.
- I'll see you around.

[chuckles]
- bye.

- Bye.

- Wow. Mr. Newport, jr.,
thank you so much for coming.

But don't you think
that every person

Has the right to know
what they're putting

In their bodies?

Right, everybody?
- Is shoelace here?

Where's shoelace?

- Shoelace couldn't make it.

But I do agree
with this nice lady.

That's why I say we should let
the people be the judge.

Denver.

- Everybody, check under
your seats!

[gasps and cheers]

[whistling and applause]

- Denver, you little son
of a bitch.

[hip-hop playing]
- mm.

There's no pizza left?
- Sorry, jer. Too slow.

- You want my crusts?
Here. Take this.

- Nobody even told me
the pizza was here.

[crash]

- Jerry! You stepped
on dj roomba!

Agh!
- That was an accident.

- You killed him.
I built him myself.

He was like a son to me.

- Okay. Time to vote.

All those who would like
the bloated corpse

Of the government
to keep running

The snack bars
at taxpayer expense,

Raise your hands.

- That seems like an unfair
phrasing.

And all those in favor

Of letting this heartless
corporation, sweetums,

Stuff your children
with sugary crap,

Raise your hand.

- [laughs]
thank you, everybody.

- Ugh.
I can't believe this.

- You know what,
we did our job.

We informed the public.
That's all we can do.

- I'm sorry, man,
there's nothing I can do.

- [sighs] are you serious?

- Look, we'll get it fixed
and I'll see you Monday.

- I just got off the phone
with my new landlord.

Apparently there's been
some sort of gas leak

And I can't move into my place
until Monday now.

- Are you telling us
we have to unload this

And move it back
in the house?

- No. I can't put it there.

I promised wendy
I'd be out of here tonight.

Um...I got it!

Everybody go home.

Pack away my stuff
in your own houses.

Then on Monday,
pack it back up,

Meet me at my new place,
unload it there.

- [sighs]
come on, guys.

- See ya, tom.
- Bye.

- Later.

- Hey, bro, want to go get
our grub on?

- Totes, bra.
Wings and brews.

- Why are you guys talking
like that?

- Just chillaxin'
like your new bro andy.

- Yeah. Want to play
some hacky sack later?

Maybe, uh, listen
to blues traveler?

- Okay. I'm leaving.
- We're just kidding.

Let's go to dinner.
- I'm not hungry.

And you guys
aren't being funny.

- Why are you being weird?

We make fun of people
like that.

That's what we do.

- You know, for a gay couple,
you guys are being really gay.

- I said
"of course I remember you.

You're chastity, right?"

[laughter]

- Leslie. Even though
I didn't invite you,

You came here anyway.

I-I respect that
because you made a choice

As a free american.

- What are you eating?

- I call this
"turf and turf."

It's a 16-ounce t-bone

And a 24-ounce porterhouse.

Also whiskey and a cigar.

I'm gonna consume
all of this at the same time

Because I am
a free american.

- No cigars inside, sir.
- Fine.

I will smoke
the entire thing outside.

Even though it is bad for me,
I am going to do it.

- Why is he being
such an ass?

- Oh, it's a long story.
- Yaah!

It's freezing outside.

So I will not be smoking
this cigar.

But rest assured, I could
if I wanted to because this--

- This is america, right?
Is it?

May I speak with you,
please?

Look, I don't know if you're
being a jerk on purpose

Just to prove you have the right
to be a jerk,

But either way,
you're being a jerk.

So here,
take the booze chart.

- You kidding me?
- No.

If you're gonna drink,
you should use it, okay?

I'm gonna head out.

By the way,
maybe it's none of my business,

But if you eat three pounds
of steak every day,

You're gonna die.

And although I've already
written your eulogy,

And it's incredibly
touching,

I would prefer not to give it
for a while.

The first line,
by the way,

"o captain! My captain!
Ron swanson, a swan song."

Yeah. And it gets better
from there!

- April. April.

You want to watch me
rollerblade

In the parking lot
after work?

I'm pretty awesome.
I used to be really good.

That was, like,
70 pounds ago.

- I can't.
I'm kind of busy.

- Aw, that's lame.
Tomorrow.

- Maybe. I don't know.

- Okay. Bye.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Just kidding.
I don't fall. Hee-hee.

- I, uh...

What are you eating?

- I didn't have time
to have breakfast.

- I'm gonna toss these
in the dumpster outside

And I don't want to see you
digging around in there later.

I am sorry.
I have been a horse's ass.

And...

That is the end
of what I have to say.

- Apology accepted.

Put a coat on,
it's freezing outside.

Sync by l3ob@yyets
www.addic7ed.com

- [mimicking spooky voice]
jerry.

Jerry!

This is the ghost
of dj roomba.

Why did you kill me?

I'm gonna haunt you, jerry.

I'm gonna follow you
and play the black eyed peas

On a nonstop loop.

- * let's burn the roof *

- * and then we'll do it
again *

- * let's do it *

* let's do it,
let's do it *

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