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1
00:00:02,119 --> 00:00:04,246
- Who is it?
- It's Penelope. Open up.
2
00:00:06,338 --> 00:00:08,090
One in the morning, eh?
3
00:00:08,174 --> 00:00:10,342
Okay. Either something happened
in your apartment,
4
00:00:10,426 --> 00:00:13,345
or something's about to happen in mine.
5
00:00:14,150 --> 00:00:15,276
Ugh!
6
00:00:16,528 --> 00:00:19,113
You'd be surprised how many of
my hookups started with "Ugh!"
7
00:00:25,829 --> 00:00:27,247
Elena...
8
00:00:28,581 --> 00:00:29,665
just came out to me.
9
00:00:29,749 --> 00:00:31,417
Finally!
10
00:00:33,211 --> 00:00:35,713
That is a load off my mind.
11
00:00:37,423 --> 00:00:38,925
- You knew?
- Yeah.
12
00:00:39,009 --> 00:00:40,718
It's been super tough
keeping it from you.
13
00:00:40,801 --> 00:00:42,345
That's why I've been hanging around
so much less.
14
00:00:42,428 --> 00:00:44,222
You've had dinner with us
four times this week.
15
00:00:44,305 --> 00:00:45,891
Crazy, right? I'm like a ghost.
16
00:00:47,058 --> 00:00:49,394
Anyway, she never actually told me.
Alex did.
17
00:00:49,477 --> 00:00:51,521
- Wait, Alex knows, too?
- Yeah.
18
00:00:51,604 --> 00:00:52,730
But it hasn't affected him at all.
19
00:00:52,813 --> 00:00:54,941
And I walked him through
everything I know about lesbians.
20
00:00:56,651 --> 00:00:58,403
Don't worry. I barely know anything.
21
00:00:58,903 --> 00:01:02,699
So, Alex is cool, Elena is cool. Great.
Great, great, great.
22
00:01:02,782 --> 00:01:04,325
- You don't sound great.
- I'm not great.
23
00:01:05,618 --> 00:01:07,578
Can I admit
something dark to you?
24
00:01:08,621 --> 00:01:11,457
When you eat sushi, you sometimes
imagine the fish screaming?
25
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,255
I feel really weird
about all this Elena stuff.
26
00:01:18,089 --> 00:01:20,466
Whoa. Are you homophobic?
27
00:01:20,550 --> 00:01:21,801
No!
28
00:01:21,884 --> 00:01:24,304
I would never judge anyone
based on their sexual orientation.
29
00:01:24,387 --> 00:01:25,721
Some of my best friends are gay.
30
00:01:25,805 --> 00:01:27,598
Yeah, that's actually not something...
31
00:01:27,682 --> 00:01:29,309
I know you're not supposed to say that!
32
00:01:30,518 --> 00:01:32,353
It's just that now that it's
my daughter, it's different.
33
00:01:32,437 --> 00:01:34,606
I hate that I feel weird about it,
but I do.
34
00:01:35,106 --> 00:01:37,117
Well, what does your mother think?
35
00:01:38,243 --> 00:01:39,569
When she finds out, you'll know,
36
00:01:39,652 --> 00:01:40,828
because she'll be on the roof
37
00:01:40,830 --> 00:01:42,782
with a Bat-Signal
shaped like the pope's hat.
38
00:01:45,741 --> 00:01:47,035
He does have a popemobile.
39
00:01:48,536 --> 00:01:49,621
And a cape.
40
00:01:50,622 --> 00:01:51,623
Huh.
41
00:01:53,917 --> 00:01:55,001
Focus, Schneider.
42
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,295
Okay, hey, sit down.
43
00:01:58,129 --> 00:01:59,714
My advice?
44
00:02:01,216 --> 00:02:03,718
If you're feeling weird... hide it.
45
00:02:04,844 --> 00:02:09,265
When I was 15, I told Father I wanted
to be a professional tap dancer.
46
00:02:13,436 --> 00:02:14,437
He laughed.
47
00:02:15,271 --> 00:02:17,440
It was that lack of support that...
48
00:02:17,982 --> 00:02:20,068
contributed to my drinking
and drug problem.
49
00:02:23,196 --> 00:02:24,822
Professional tap dancer?
50
00:02:26,616 --> 00:02:28,117
Oh, do you find that amusing?
51
00:02:29,660 --> 00:02:31,955
Because 15-year-old Schneider's drinking
peach schnapps
52
00:02:32,038 --> 00:02:33,873
out of an unused tap shoe right now.
53
00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:37,502
Oh, God, you're right.
54
00:02:38,669 --> 00:02:41,047
My reaction could really affect Elena
for the rest of her life.
55
00:02:41,131 --> 00:02:42,715
She needs to think
that I'm cool with everything
56
00:02:42,798 --> 00:02:45,260
because I don't want her to
turn out like, no offense, you.
57
00:02:45,843 --> 00:02:48,346
Schneider, you coming back to bed?
58
00:02:52,517 --> 00:02:54,060
Yeah, I do all right.
59
00:02:55,436 --> 00:02:58,523
You have a girl over here and you
were offering to have sex with me?
60
00:02:59,107 --> 00:03:01,943
Yes, Penelope.
That's the kind of friend I am.
61
00:03:54,495 --> 00:03:56,414
Hi, Mami. She can't hear me.
62
00:03:57,498 --> 00:04:00,043
There's my perfect daughter
who I love so much,
63
00:04:00,126 --> 00:04:02,337
but won't call beautiful
because she doesn't like it
64
00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:05,298
when people emphasize
the importance of physical appearance.
65
00:04:06,257 --> 00:04:08,551
Uh, good morning to you, too.
66
00:04:08,634 --> 00:04:13,264
Hey, last night I did a little reading
on Autostraddle,
67
00:04:13,348 --> 00:04:16,059
the lesbian lifestyle
and pop-culture website?
68
00:04:17,768 --> 00:04:19,562
- Really?
- Yeah!
69
00:04:19,645 --> 00:04:21,439
I learned a ton of interesting stuff.
70
00:04:21,522 --> 00:04:24,609
Fun fact, did you know
monocles had a huge following
71
00:04:24,692 --> 00:04:27,779
in the stylish lesbian circles
of the early 20th century?
72
00:04:29,072 --> 00:04:30,448
If this is your way of telling me
73
00:04:30,531 --> 00:04:31,907
that you're getting me a
monocle for my birthday,
74
00:04:31,991 --> 00:04:33,292
I'm gonna be really upset.
75
00:04:34,952 --> 00:04:36,704
Or we could talk about Gaga instead.
76
00:04:36,788 --> 00:04:38,873
- Lady Gaga?
- Yeah.
77
00:04:38,956 --> 00:04:41,917
Is she a gay icon,
or just a publicity monger?
78
00:04:43,461 --> 00:04:45,630
I don't know, she's, like,
a thousand years old.
79
00:04:46,422 --> 00:04:48,307
So you're probably not
interested in what
80
00:04:48,332 --> 00:04:49,991
I found out about Eleanor Roosevelt?
81
00:04:52,428 --> 00:04:54,139
Tons of monocles.
82
00:04:56,516 --> 00:04:59,935
Mom, I get it. You're aggressively
okay with my sexuality.
83
00:05:00,019 --> 00:05:01,521
Of course! Who wouldn't be?
84
00:05:02,105 --> 00:05:03,356
DJ Abuelita over there?
85
00:05:07,026 --> 00:05:08,194
Oh, all right.
86
00:05:08,278 --> 00:05:09,820
I'm worried about coming out to her.
87
00:05:09,904 --> 00:05:11,030
Oh, really?
88
00:05:11,114 --> 00:05:12,865
You're not ready to have her
follow you in the streets,
89
00:05:12,949 --> 00:05:14,158
ringing the shame bell?
90
00:05:14,659 --> 00:05:17,036
I think I'm gonna wait
until after my quinces.
91
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:20,540
All she's talked about the past two
weeks is my stupid dance with Josh.
92
00:05:20,623 --> 00:05:21,874
Right. Ay.
93
00:05:21,957 --> 00:05:24,460
Poor Josh. How's he gonna handle this?
94
00:05:24,544 --> 00:05:26,129
I bet he's gonna feel
really weird about it.
95
00:05:26,212 --> 00:05:28,298
But that's understandable, right?
96
00:05:28,381 --> 00:05:30,591
No, I already told him
and he's totally cool.
97
00:05:30,675 --> 00:05:33,511
I mean, he insisted on being
my dance partner to show his support.
98
00:05:34,637 --> 00:05:35,696
Awesome!
99
00:05:36,347 --> 00:05:39,892
I'm glad everyone is so cool and
doesn't feel weird in any way at all.
100
00:05:39,975 --> 00:05:41,811
You go, Josh!
101
00:05:44,021 --> 00:05:46,899
Ah! There are my beautiful niñas.
102
00:05:46,982 --> 00:05:51,111
Elena, I'm doing the final tweaks
on the quinces choreography,
103
00:05:51,196 --> 00:05:54,407
so I really want you
to concentrate on your posture.
104
00:05:54,991 --> 00:05:56,951
Head high, shoulders back.
105
00:05:57,952 --> 00:05:59,028
Straighter.
106
00:06:00,371 --> 00:06:01,581
Straighter.
107
00:06:03,458 --> 00:06:06,211
Be as straight as you can be!
108
00:06:13,384 --> 00:06:15,010
Oh, my God, you guys.
109
00:06:15,094 --> 00:06:17,179
I just got an e-mail
from my baseball coach and...
110
00:06:17,263 --> 00:06:18,514
I made the travel team!
111
00:06:19,515 --> 00:06:21,309
Him. He made the travel team.
112
00:06:21,392 --> 00:06:22,393
Oh!
113
00:06:22,477 --> 00:06:23,478
Oh, man.
114
00:06:23,561 --> 00:06:25,813
All those practices I took
you to finally paid off.
115
00:06:25,896 --> 00:06:28,649
I did it! Him. He did it.
116
00:06:28,733 --> 00:06:30,109
I'm so pumped.
117
00:06:30,192 --> 00:06:32,294
Travel team is the first step
toward the big leagues.
118
00:06:32,778 --> 00:06:35,155
Mom, when I get there,
I'm buying you a house.
119
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:38,243
Aw. So sweet, honey.
120
00:06:38,367 --> 00:06:40,328
But it won't be near my mansion.
121
00:06:42,788 --> 00:06:45,625
No one wants their mom around
when they're dating models.
122
00:06:46,876 --> 00:06:48,168
Just being real with you.
123
00:06:48,253 --> 00:06:49,712
You still have Spider-Man sheets.
124
00:06:50,588 --> 00:06:52,089
Just being real with you.
125
00:06:53,007 --> 00:06:55,175
But congratulations, papito!
126
00:06:55,260 --> 00:06:57,136
That's great news!
127
00:06:57,803 --> 00:07:00,014
- That's terrible news.
- Huh?
128
00:07:00,097 --> 00:07:01,891
There is no way he can join that team.
129
00:07:01,974 --> 00:07:03,183
- What?
- Why?
130
00:07:03,268 --> 00:07:05,395
Those games are so far away,
you have to spend the night.
131
00:07:05,478 --> 00:07:06,854
I can't miss that much work.
132
00:07:06,937 --> 00:07:09,607
Well, I probably can.
Let me just check with my boss.
133
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,191
Schneider? You do you.
134
00:07:11,275 --> 00:07:12,335
We're good.
135
00:07:14,570 --> 00:07:17,531
So... how about
I take Alex to travel games?
136
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,411
- What?
- Just it's...
137
00:07:21,494 --> 00:07:23,329
You don't get it. It's not about you.
138
00:07:24,079 --> 00:07:26,044
We're Cuban. We don't trust anyone,
139
00:07:26,069 --> 00:07:28,483
outside of blood, to
look after our kids.
140
00:07:28,543 --> 00:07:32,922
You want to take him on a trip overnight
to a strange city?
141
00:07:33,005 --> 00:07:34,340
Jajaja. Qué funny.
142
00:07:35,883 --> 00:07:38,344
Sorry, Schneider. Look, I
barely trust her with the kids.
143
00:07:38,428 --> 00:07:40,471
And I'm offended, but I get it.
144
00:07:41,431 --> 00:07:43,724
Come on. I think you're
being a little unfair.
145
00:07:43,808 --> 00:07:45,768
I can take care of Alex
as well as you can.
146
00:07:47,395 --> 00:07:48,988
All right.
You think you got what it takes?
147
00:07:49,905 --> 00:07:50,904
Bedtime?
148
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,924
9:00 p.m. weekdays.
10:00 p.m., weekends.
149
00:07:52,983 --> 00:07:54,402
- Blood type?
- O positive.
150
00:07:54,485 --> 00:07:55,861
Wrong. Red.
151
00:07:59,657 --> 00:08:01,575
Mami, I got this.
152
00:08:02,327 --> 00:08:04,829
Preferred sandwich, tuna or turkey?
153
00:08:04,912 --> 00:08:06,706
Trick question. He's allergic to tuna,
154
00:08:06,789 --> 00:08:11,126
and as for a turkey sandwich, he would
quote, "Rather drink a cup of barf."
155
00:08:11,877 --> 00:08:16,132
Look, I can send constant updates,
drop GPS pins of his location.
156
00:08:16,632 --> 00:08:19,427
I know a guy at the pet store,
we could chip him.
157
00:08:26,016 --> 00:08:27,101
Okay, fine.
158
00:08:29,186 --> 00:08:30,187
You can take him.
159
00:08:30,771 --> 00:08:34,859
But if my son comes back with
even a little scratch on his head...
160
00:08:35,943 --> 00:08:36,944
I was in the army.
161
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:40,230
I don't know how to waterboard,
'cause they don't teach it...
162
00:08:41,281 --> 00:08:43,283
except they do.
163
00:08:47,497 --> 00:08:52,126
And... one, two, three, four...
164
00:08:52,209 --> 00:08:55,755
five, six, seven, eight.
165
00:08:55,838 --> 00:08:59,800
Point that toe... Move the hips...
166
00:08:59,884 --> 00:09:01,844
- Not like that.
- Oh.
167
00:09:02,762 --> 00:09:04,555
Arms up...
168
00:09:05,139 --> 00:09:06,807
and pull her close.
169
00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:09,268
Closer.
170
00:09:11,020 --> 00:09:14,065
Closer.
171
00:09:14,565 --> 00:09:17,360
Closer.
172
00:09:17,443 --> 00:09:20,154
Ay, qué bien.
173
00:09:20,237 --> 00:09:23,866
And this would be the moment
when you would kiss, but you shouldn't.
174
00:09:23,949 --> 00:09:25,910
Unless I look away right now.
175
00:09:25,993 --> 00:09:28,746
Oh... is that Andy Garcia?
176
00:09:30,706 --> 00:09:33,459
Oh, you are exchanging secret looks.
177
00:09:33,543 --> 00:09:36,253
How am I going
to keep you two lovebirds apart?
178
00:09:36,336 --> 00:09:38,631
Oh!
179
00:09:38,714 --> 00:09:40,174
Oh, whoa!
180
00:09:40,758 --> 00:09:44,637
This is giving me flashbacks
of Tiana's quinces/baby shower.
181
00:09:47,139 --> 00:09:48,766
She is jealous.
182
00:09:48,849 --> 00:09:51,727
Josh, you will be the envy
of every boy at the quinces.
183
00:09:51,811 --> 00:09:54,471
And, Elena, all of the
girls will wish it
184
00:09:54,496 --> 00:09:56,965
was them inside your dress.
185
00:09:59,068 --> 00:10:00,403
Dare to dream.
186
00:10:04,323 --> 00:10:05,533
Uh-oh...
187
00:10:06,409 --> 00:10:08,327
Why are you calling, Schneider?
Is Alex hurt?
188
00:10:08,411 --> 00:10:10,913
You might have a two-hour head start,
but I will hunt you down.
189
00:10:10,996 --> 00:10:12,873
Relax, everything is great.
190
00:10:12,957 --> 00:10:15,125
I was calling to let you know
we checked into the hotel
191
00:10:15,209 --> 00:10:17,503
twelve minutes ahead of schedule.
Hey, Ron.
192
00:10:19,171 --> 00:10:20,339
Hey, Nikki.
193
00:10:21,591 --> 00:10:24,760
Finn's mom is, what she calls,
out-of-town single.
194
00:10:26,303 --> 00:10:28,013
But don't worry,
I got my eye on the ball.
195
00:10:28,097 --> 00:10:29,682
How's the hotel?
196
00:10:29,765 --> 00:10:32,017
"His room is close to a fire escape
197
00:10:32,101 --> 00:10:37,097
and the nearest elevator was inspected
on April 17th by an S. Balaban."
198
00:10:37,807 --> 00:10:39,399
Ooh, I gotta run.
199
00:10:39,484 --> 00:10:41,902
Walk carefully. I mean, walk carefully.
No one's running.
200
00:10:42,570 --> 00:10:44,738
Ay, mi niña preciosa.
201
00:10:47,324 --> 00:10:48,826
What's happening?
202
00:10:49,410 --> 00:10:51,579
I just came out to Abuelita.
203
00:10:52,455 --> 00:10:53,623
You did?
204
00:10:54,957 --> 00:10:56,750
And I think it's beautiful.
205
00:10:57,251 --> 00:10:58,544
You do?
206
00:10:59,128 --> 00:11:03,215
Claro. And I accept it immediately,
no questions asked.
207
00:11:06,594 --> 00:11:08,345
Well, that is great.
208
00:11:08,429 --> 00:11:11,098
Ms. Alvarez, you have
the coolest family.
209
00:11:12,057 --> 00:11:13,309
I'm gonna call my grandma.
210
00:11:13,392 --> 00:11:15,728
Maybe she's finally ready
to hear that I'm a vegan.
211
00:11:19,398 --> 00:11:21,776
I'm gonna Skype Carmen
and tell her the awesome news.
212
00:11:21,859 --> 00:11:24,529
I love my family!
213
00:11:25,362 --> 00:11:27,907
We love you, too.
214
00:11:28,699 --> 00:11:29,992
I told you.
215
00:11:31,661 --> 00:11:33,287
Wait, so you're not okay with it?
216
00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:35,623
No, I am very upset.
217
00:11:36,123 --> 00:11:37,531
Oh, thank God. I mean, thank God, Mami,
218
00:11:37,556 --> 00:11:39,108
that you're so honest
with your feelings.
219
00:11:39,168 --> 00:11:41,629
Yeah, I know you don't agree with them,
220
00:11:41,712 --> 00:11:43,548
because you are so liberal...
221
00:11:44,548 --> 00:11:48,052
and I'm just a narrow-minded
homofallopian.
222
00:11:53,641 --> 00:11:57,061
- You mean you're homophobic?
- Ha! There is the judgment.
223
00:11:59,396 --> 00:12:04,109
Look... I know you are cool with this,
224
00:12:04,693 --> 00:12:06,320
but you have to understand.
225
00:12:06,403 --> 00:12:08,155
I am a religious woman.
226
00:12:09,907 --> 00:12:10,966
I know, Mami.
227
00:12:11,366 --> 00:12:12,492
And I'm sorry.
228
00:12:12,576 --> 00:12:15,913
I'm sorry, but I have a problem
with Elena being gay.
229
00:12:16,497 --> 00:12:19,500
It goes against God!
230
00:12:20,334 --> 00:12:22,795
Although, God did make us in his image.
231
00:12:22,878 --> 00:12:25,297
And God doesn't make mistakes.
232
00:12:25,881 --> 00:12:26,882
Clearly.
233
00:12:29,969 --> 00:12:34,098
And when it comes to the gays,
the pope did say, "Who am I to judge?"
234
00:12:34,306 --> 00:12:36,976
And the pope represents God.
235
00:12:37,059 --> 00:12:40,938
So what, am I going to go
against the pope and God?
236
00:12:41,021 --> 00:12:42,815
Who the hell do I think I am?
237
00:12:44,483 --> 00:12:46,902
Okay. Okay, I'm good.
238
00:12:48,779 --> 00:12:50,114
What?
239
00:12:52,950 --> 00:12:55,359
You just worked that out in ten seconds?
240
00:12:55,384 --> 00:12:56,385
Sí.
241
00:12:57,913 --> 00:13:02,376
Because she is my granddaughter
and I love her no matter what. Ya.
242
00:13:02,459 --> 00:13:06,421
So, tell me, when is the parade?
243
00:13:08,633 --> 00:13:09,717
Okay, you guys wait here.
244
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:10,843
I'll check for intruders,
245
00:13:10,926 --> 00:13:13,721
put a safety lock on the toilet seat,
and sweep for tuna.
246
00:13:14,596 --> 00:13:15,640
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
247
00:13:15,723 --> 00:13:17,767
- Okay, guys. Guys, slow down.
- This room is awesome!
248
00:13:17,850 --> 00:13:19,434
- Ow! Okay.
- Dibs on this bed.
249
00:13:19,518 --> 00:13:21,353
- No, this bed!
- Guys.
250
00:13:22,146 --> 00:13:25,858
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
251
00:13:25,941 --> 00:13:28,610
Stop, wait. Okay, stop. Stop!
252
00:13:30,570 --> 00:13:33,699
So, you're obviously
tired from the game.
253
00:13:35,534 --> 00:13:36,869
Maybe it's time for bed.
254
00:13:37,787 --> 00:13:39,163
It's six o'clock.
255
00:13:39,246 --> 00:13:42,249
Yeah, Mr. Schneider, don't you wanna
go hang out with the other parents?
256
00:13:42,332 --> 00:13:46,128
Finn, you little rascal
that I don't trust.
257
00:13:47,379 --> 00:13:50,215
- Who wants to play a game of I Spy?
- This guy!
258
00:13:50,299 --> 00:13:51,676
When I was three.
259
00:13:52,592 --> 00:13:55,137
Jajaja. Qué funny.
260
00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:57,014
Okay, I'll start.
261
00:13:57,598 --> 00:14:00,851
I spy,
with my little eye,
262
00:14:00,935 --> 00:14:05,522
something...
that is clearly a fire hazard!
263
00:14:08,358 --> 00:14:11,195
Hey, Mr. Schneider,
can you go get us some ice?
264
00:14:11,278 --> 00:14:13,698
What? Is someone injured?
Oh, my God. Is it Gordon?
265
00:14:14,281 --> 00:14:16,200
Yeah, he does not look well.
266
00:14:17,367 --> 00:14:20,245
I'll be back in a jiff.
Everybody, stand under the sprinklers.
267
00:14:28,545 --> 00:14:31,006
Ramona, thank you,
thank you for meeting me!
268
00:14:31,090 --> 00:14:33,258
So great to see you.
269
00:14:33,342 --> 00:14:35,719
So, uh, a gay bar, huh?
270
00:14:35,803 --> 00:14:37,262
Immersion therapy.
271
00:14:38,222 --> 00:14:40,140
You gotta get used to being
around gay people,
272
00:14:40,224 --> 00:14:41,350
now that I know you hate us.
273
00:14:41,433 --> 00:14:44,478
I don't hate gay people!
274
00:14:47,690 --> 00:14:49,859
No, I don't.
You heard that "I don't" part, right?
275
00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:52,737
Ay, next round's on me.
276
00:14:52,820 --> 00:14:54,571
Okay, I'm a mess.
277
00:14:56,907 --> 00:14:58,492
I need some gay guidance.
278
00:14:58,575 --> 00:15:00,828
- Let's just call it guidance.
- Okay. That's good.
279
00:15:00,911 --> 00:15:02,705
That's what I need, already.
Okay?
280
00:15:02,788 --> 00:15:04,498
I'm feeling weird.
281
00:15:04,581 --> 00:15:06,083
I am.
282
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:08,668
I'm feeling like if I knew more,
I might feel better.
283
00:15:08,752 --> 00:15:11,547
I don't know. Does she all of a sudden
think all boys are disgusting?
284
00:15:11,630 --> 00:15:14,424
No! She always thought
they were disgusting.
285
00:15:14,508 --> 00:15:16,051
Okay.
286
00:15:18,012 --> 00:15:19,471
How will I know...
287
00:15:20,430 --> 00:15:23,768
if a girl she brings home
is a friend or more?
288
00:15:23,851 --> 00:15:24,977
Oh...
289
00:15:27,897 --> 00:15:29,023
You ask her.
290
00:15:30,858 --> 00:15:32,067
Is she gonna tell me the truth?
291
00:15:32,151 --> 00:15:33,360
- Probably not.
- Ay, Ramona!
292
00:15:33,443 --> 00:15:35,863
Well, what are you asking me?
How to spot a lesbian?
293
00:15:35,946 --> 00:15:38,615
I mean, do some of us
have short hair? Sure.
294
00:15:38,698 --> 00:15:42,036
Do we sometimes prefer
practical, gender-neutral clothing?
295
00:15:42,119 --> 00:15:43,120
I guess.
296
00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:46,540
Does a perfect day involve going
to candle-making class in our Subaru
297
00:15:46,623 --> 00:15:48,625
with a roof rack full of antiques?
298
00:15:48,708 --> 00:15:50,502
That's just solid American fun.
299
00:15:51,879 --> 00:15:54,965
Okay.
Now, I'm definitely more confused.
300
00:15:55,048 --> 00:15:58,135
Look, you are raising a smart girl
301
00:15:58,218 --> 00:16:00,345
who will be
a productive member of society.
302
00:16:00,429 --> 00:16:02,931
She's gonna have a
full life and be okay.
303
00:16:03,932 --> 00:16:06,852
- Thank you. That's good.
- Good.
304
00:16:06,935 --> 00:16:08,604
- Great. Mmm-hmm.
- Great.
305
00:16:09,104 --> 00:16:11,481
- You still feel weird.
- I still feel weird!
306
00:16:11,565 --> 00:16:13,233
Mmm.
307
00:16:19,740 --> 00:16:20,966
You know what might help you?
308
00:16:22,159 --> 00:16:23,285
To see me in action.
309
00:16:24,369 --> 00:16:27,039
- How would that help?
- Honestly, I don't think it would,
310
00:16:27,122 --> 00:16:30,084
but I'm getting some serious eyes
from that guapa over there.
311
00:16:32,586 --> 00:16:34,922
I thought you were here
to give me guidance.
312
00:16:36,215 --> 00:16:38,759
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They can
both wear dresses to the wedding,
313
00:16:38,843 --> 00:16:39,844
- it'll be fine.
- Ramona!
314
00:16:40,928 --> 00:16:43,472
- Uh, you wanna go over there?
- No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
315
00:16:43,555 --> 00:16:47,893
But just out of curiosity...
what is that girl doing right now?
316
00:16:50,479 --> 00:16:52,439
She's looking at you
and biting her lower lip.
317
00:16:54,817 --> 00:16:55,818
I gotta go.
318
00:16:59,321 --> 00:17:00,530
Hey, parents.
319
00:17:00,614 --> 00:17:03,617
I don't want to alarm you,
but the kids may already be dead.
320
00:17:04,118 --> 00:17:05,953
- What the hell you talking about?
- What? What are you...
321
00:17:06,036 --> 00:17:08,580
I got locked out of the room and
they're up there jumping on the beds.
322
00:17:10,290 --> 00:17:12,251
Don't worry. The boys are fine.
323
00:17:12,334 --> 00:17:14,044
Yeah, that's the magic of hotel rooms.
324
00:17:14,128 --> 00:17:16,046
All they want to do
is hang out in there.
325
00:17:16,129 --> 00:17:19,049
Yeah, they get excited
by tiny soaps and sewing kits.
326
00:17:19,884 --> 00:17:21,510
Kids are so stupid.
327
00:17:22,928 --> 00:17:25,597
Well, maybe I am overreacting.
328
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:26,891
Yes.
329
00:17:31,353 --> 00:17:33,438
Maybe just for a minute.
330
00:17:34,648 --> 00:17:36,942
Oh, sorry. What can I say...
331
00:17:37,026 --> 00:17:39,528
Cubans are crazy about family.
332
00:17:39,611 --> 00:17:40,737
Oh, you Cuban?
333
00:17:40,820 --> 00:17:45,575
Not by birth,
but spiritually, I identify as Cuban.
334
00:17:46,826 --> 00:17:51,206
That's why I've been so overprotective.
It's what we do.
335
00:17:51,290 --> 00:17:55,169
I think we have some trust issues
because Castro and all of that.
336
00:17:56,295 --> 00:17:58,713
You know.
337
00:18:02,885 --> 00:18:04,844
But it's good to get
an outsider's perspective.
338
00:18:04,929 --> 00:18:06,430
You guys have calmed me down.
339
00:18:06,513 --> 00:18:08,390
Maybe I was being a little suffocating.
340
00:18:09,892 --> 00:18:11,810
I need to talk to you about your kids.
341
00:18:14,730 --> 00:18:15,939
Ay, Dios mío.
342
00:18:20,527 --> 00:18:24,072
Don't mess it up. Oh, and you know it.
343
00:18:28,743 --> 00:18:29,744
Drinking alone?
344
00:18:30,621 --> 00:18:31,705
This is a gay bar.
345
00:18:32,206 --> 00:18:33,999
That's what regular bars are for.
346
00:18:36,001 --> 00:18:39,879
Yeah, but regular bars
don't have $7 Queen-a-Coladas.
347
00:18:39,964 --> 00:18:42,466
Mmm, tell me about it.
This is my third Bloody Gary.
348
00:18:43,467 --> 00:18:44,759
Anyway...
349
00:18:46,845 --> 00:18:49,473
I'm drinking alone
'cause I'm a monster...
350
00:18:49,556 --> 00:18:51,641
and monsters drink alone.
351
00:18:54,436 --> 00:18:57,147
My daughter came out to me...
352
00:18:58,065 --> 00:19:00,275
and I am not totally okay with it.
353
00:19:06,907 --> 00:19:08,575
And I hate myself for it.
354
00:19:09,076 --> 00:19:11,536
Keep the Queen-a-Coladas coming.
355
00:19:11,620 --> 00:19:12,662
All right, all right.
356
00:19:12,746 --> 00:19:16,083
This is a subject
that I know a thing or two about,
357
00:19:16,166 --> 00:19:17,209
so talk to me.
358
00:19:18,543 --> 00:19:20,337
It's just that I'm ruining everything.
359
00:19:22,256 --> 00:19:24,591
I want her to have the most perfect
coming-out story.
360
00:19:24,674 --> 00:19:27,177
You know, where I'm cool
and supportive and...
361
00:19:27,260 --> 00:19:31,181
we high-five and ride unicorns
down a rainbow together.
362
00:19:31,681 --> 00:19:33,558
Okay, so, gay people aren't magic.
363
00:19:35,644 --> 00:19:37,562
But it's a common misconception, so...
364
00:19:39,148 --> 00:19:41,525
I should be feeling really happy...
365
00:19:41,608 --> 00:19:43,485
that she feels comfortable enough
to come out to me.
366
00:19:43,568 --> 00:19:45,445
But I just keep thinking...
367
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:52,119
It's not the way I pictured it.
368
00:19:54,538 --> 00:19:56,331
I always imagined that we would...
369
00:19:57,457 --> 00:19:59,043
bond over boy stuff.
370
00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:03,880
How hot they are,
how dumb they are.
371
00:20:05,924 --> 00:20:07,467
The pregnancy scare.
372
00:20:07,551 --> 00:20:09,469
I hold her hand while
she pees on a stick.
373
00:20:09,553 --> 00:20:12,472
We don't trust that stick,
so she pees on a second stick.
374
00:20:12,556 --> 00:20:14,933
It's negative
and we go get sushi.
375
00:20:16,351 --> 00:20:19,063
You know, you can still get sushi
without peeing on something.
376
00:20:21,898 --> 00:20:23,025
It's not the same.
377
00:20:24,818 --> 00:20:26,611
How long ago did your daughter come out?
378
00:20:28,363 --> 00:20:29,448
Thirty-six hours ago.
379
00:20:29,531 --> 00:20:32,451
Thirty-six hours and you're
not leading a pride parade?
380
00:20:32,534 --> 00:20:35,454
No, but my mom is.
381
00:20:37,039 --> 00:20:38,165
Let's get real.
382
00:20:39,958 --> 00:20:41,168
Do you love her any less?
383
00:20:41,251 --> 00:20:42,502
No, of course not.
384
00:20:42,586 --> 00:20:44,921
So you're just not there yet.
385
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:49,843
This is a complete readjustment
of how you see your daughter.
386
00:20:49,926 --> 00:20:53,930
Trust me, she's been thinking about this
for months or years.
387
00:20:54,389 --> 00:20:55,932
You just found out.
388
00:20:57,309 --> 00:20:58,977
Your heart is okay.
389
00:21:00,187 --> 00:21:03,774
You just need a little time...
for your head to catch up.
390
00:21:09,529 --> 00:21:13,575
I feel a thousand times better.
391
00:21:14,159 --> 00:21:15,452
Thank you! Oh!
392
00:21:15,952 --> 00:21:19,539
Oh, my God,
you smell so good.
393
00:21:19,623 --> 00:21:22,876
Oh, this means so much
coming from a super-hot gay guy.
394
00:21:22,959 --> 00:21:24,419
Oh, thank you!
395
00:21:24,503 --> 00:21:26,713
I'm not gay.
396
00:21:28,298 --> 00:21:30,967
Well, you're at a gay bar.
397
00:21:31,510 --> 00:21:33,011
And you're super hot.
398
00:21:33,095 --> 00:21:36,265
Again,
love what you're saying, but, uh,
399
00:21:36,348 --> 00:21:38,225
I'm here with my brother. He's gay.
400
00:21:40,685 --> 00:21:44,148
And to your point, it took me some time
to wrap my head around it.
401
00:21:44,231 --> 00:21:46,941
But now I'm good. And you will be, too.
402
00:21:48,693 --> 00:21:49,728
Thank you.
403
00:21:51,363 --> 00:21:53,615
I'd like to take this opportunity
to apologize
404
00:21:53,698 --> 00:21:55,367
for the smelling and the groping.
405
00:21:57,744 --> 00:22:00,955
Somehow when I thought
you hated the touch of women...
406
00:22:02,249 --> 00:22:03,834
I assumed it was okay.
407
00:22:06,169 --> 00:22:09,673
Luckily, I was too distracted
by how cute you are
408
00:22:09,756 --> 00:22:11,675
to hear anything you just said.
409
00:22:11,758 --> 00:22:14,511
What? Shut up.
410
00:22:16,471 --> 00:22:19,766
Can I see you again? Like, over dinner?
411
00:22:22,060 --> 00:22:23,144
Okay.
412
00:22:24,229 --> 00:22:25,247
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
413
00:22:26,565 --> 00:22:29,117
I'm sorry, I think
this is the first time
414
00:22:29,142 --> 00:22:31,510
I've ever been asked out in a gay bar.
415
00:22:31,570 --> 00:22:32,696
- Really?
- Yeah.
416
00:22:32,779 --> 00:22:35,165
I've been asked out,
like, nine times in the past hour.
417
00:22:41,463 --> 00:22:42,539
Hi, Mom.
418
00:22:42,622 --> 00:22:43,873
Hi! Wait.
419
00:22:44,874 --> 00:22:48,002
It's 11:00 at night. You're supposed
to be in San Diego. What happened?
420
00:22:48,086 --> 00:22:51,673
Okay, first of all, I wanna point out
that Alex is 100% okay.
421
00:22:51,756 --> 00:22:54,092
So there's absolutely no need to panic.
422
00:22:54,175 --> 00:22:55,510
What happened?
423
00:22:57,554 --> 00:22:58,680
Nothing.
424
00:22:58,763 --> 00:22:59,764
Nothing?
425
00:22:59,848 --> 00:23:03,059
The boys stole two maid's carts
and were racing them down the hallway!
426
00:23:03,142 --> 00:23:04,353
And I won!
427
00:23:06,021 --> 00:23:07,355
Not the point. I get it.
428
00:23:08,607 --> 00:23:11,360
Fortunately, security found me
before anything else happened.
429
00:23:11,443 --> 00:23:12,819
Found you? You weren't with them?
430
00:23:12,903 --> 00:23:15,655
Get the water boards.
431
00:23:17,574 --> 00:23:20,785
Wait, I don't understand.
If he's okay, why didn't you just call?
432
00:23:20,869 --> 00:23:23,037
Because there's, like,
a zero percent chance
433
00:23:23,121 --> 00:23:24,581
you would believe Alex was all right
434
00:23:24,664 --> 00:23:26,458
unless he was standing
right in front of you.
435
00:23:26,541 --> 00:23:28,252
You guys, I'm so sorry.
436
00:23:28,335 --> 00:23:31,546
I mean, a maid's cart?
More like death wagon.
437
00:23:32,172 --> 00:23:34,341
Tiny soaps you can choke on.
438
00:23:34,424 --> 00:23:38,386
Shower caps that can fly off
into your face and suffocate you.
439
00:23:39,513 --> 00:23:41,981
And is that a clean toilet brush?
I think not!
440
00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:44,726
Anyway, now
you're gonna yell at me
441
00:23:44,809 --> 00:23:46,478
and tell me
I'm never allowed near your family.
442
00:23:46,561 --> 00:23:47,771
Just make it quick.
443
00:23:50,482 --> 00:23:51,524
Aw...
444
00:23:52,442 --> 00:23:54,361
I got in your head.
445
00:23:54,945 --> 00:23:56,020
What?
446
00:23:57,322 --> 00:24:00,617
I made you as overprotective
and crazy as I am.
447
00:24:00,700 --> 00:24:02,410
You proved I can trust you.
448
00:24:02,494 --> 00:24:04,413
- Really?
- Yeah, you're Cuban now.
449
00:24:04,496 --> 00:24:06,581
¡Azúcar!
450
00:24:06,665 --> 00:24:08,458
But we only forgive once.
451
00:24:10,168 --> 00:24:11,628
God, I feel so much better.
452
00:24:12,545 --> 00:24:15,757
And that is the last time
I listen to a bunch of gringo parents.
453
00:24:16,675 --> 00:24:18,468
They do not share our values.
454
00:24:21,220 --> 00:24:23,973
- It sounds like Texas isn't that bad.
- I love it.
455
00:24:24,557 --> 00:24:26,601
I'm really getting into saying y'all.
456
00:24:26,685 --> 00:24:28,770
I'm like a little southern belle.
457
00:24:31,481 --> 00:24:34,901
Hi, Elena. Hi, Carmen!
458
00:24:34,984 --> 00:24:36,945
Hi, Ms. Y'alvarez.
459
00:24:37,821 --> 00:24:41,741
Can I just give you props for being
hella cool about Elena coming out?
460
00:24:41,825 --> 00:24:43,618
Thank you, Carmen.
461
00:24:43,702 --> 00:24:46,413
I'm just happy that Elena
is such a strong young woman
462
00:24:46,496 --> 00:24:48,873
with a clear sense of herself.
463
00:24:50,250 --> 00:24:52,210
And she has excellent taste in friends.
464
00:24:52,919 --> 00:24:56,881
Compliments make me kind of queasy,
so I'm gonna bounce.
465
00:24:59,050 --> 00:25:00,510
I'm going to the rodeo tomorrow.
466
00:25:00,594 --> 00:25:03,179
Hopefully,
one of the clowns will get gored.
467
00:25:07,100 --> 00:25:08,676
I love that little weirdo.
468
00:25:09,736 --> 00:25:10,812
Whoo!
469
00:25:10,895 --> 00:25:12,397
You're in a good mood.
470
00:25:12,481 --> 00:25:14,273
- Am I?
- Yeah, why?
471
00:25:15,359 --> 00:25:16,985
Okay, I met a guy.
472
00:25:17,068 --> 00:25:18,319
- What?
- Yes.
473
00:25:18,403 --> 00:25:20,238
Dish. Tell me everything!
474
00:25:20,321 --> 00:25:22,574
Okay, his name is Ben.
I met him at a gay bar.
475
00:25:22,657 --> 00:25:25,201
What? That's right, I'm cool.
476
00:25:25,284 --> 00:25:29,330
He was there with his brother, and he
was super cute and easy to talk to,
477
00:25:29,414 --> 00:25:32,041
and then he wasn't gay.
And then he asked me out!
478
00:25:32,125 --> 00:25:34,168
- Shut up!
- I mean, who knows if he'll even call,
479
00:25:34,252 --> 00:25:37,171
but it was just exciting,
you know, meeting someone new and...
480
00:25:37,255 --> 00:25:39,507
flirting, making a connection.
481
00:25:40,008 --> 00:25:41,676
I can't wait for that.
482
00:25:42,594 --> 00:25:43,928
It'll happen.
483
00:25:45,389 --> 00:25:48,141
And I hope you'll keep me
in the loop when it does.
484
00:25:48,224 --> 00:25:51,436
Are you kidding?
I'm going to tell you everything.
485
00:25:53,312 --> 00:25:54,398
Mmm.
486
00:25:54,481 --> 00:25:58,902
So, here's a question. You and Carmen?
487
00:25:58,985 --> 00:26:02,280
Oh, no! We're
just best friends.
488
00:26:02,697 --> 00:26:03,865
I mean, she says...
489
00:26:03,948 --> 00:26:07,536
"All love is
a selfish sickness."
490
00:26:09,162 --> 00:26:11,498
Her boyfriend is miserable.
491
00:26:14,208 --> 00:26:16,044
Oh, my God!
492
00:26:16,127 --> 00:26:18,171
It's Ben!
493
00:26:18,254 --> 00:26:21,841
"It was so great meeting you.
Best part of my night."
494
00:26:21,925 --> 00:26:24,260
- Should I text back?
- No, no. Play it cool.
495
00:26:24,343 --> 00:26:26,012
You play it cool. I'm texting back.
496
00:26:26,095 --> 00:26:27,722
No, no, Mom, you have
to play hard to get!
497
00:26:27,806 --> 00:26:29,140
No, I don't wanna play hard to get!
498
00:26:30,574 --> 00:26:32,574
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