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00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162
Translated By The Community Of WWW.MY-SUBS.COM
1
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,889
- Good morning.
- Morning.
2
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:40,601
Ah.
3
00:01:41,807 --> 00:01:42,850
You're amazing.
4
00:01:42,934 --> 00:01:44,518
I know.
5
00:01:46,426 --> 00:01:49,249
Mami, we already have crosses everywhere.
6
00:01:49,332 --> 00:01:51,201
Do we really need a pope on the fridge?
7
00:01:51,284 --> 00:01:54,463
Oh, yes, because he is so inspiring.
8
00:01:54,546 --> 00:01:57,298
You walk in to get a yogurt,
you see him...
9
00:01:57,382 --> 00:01:59,259
Hola, Papa.
10
00:01:59,342 --> 00:02:01,052
Puts a smile on your face.
11
00:02:01,136 --> 00:02:03,930
Well, why don't you put the pope
in your room and go smile in there?
12
00:02:04,014 --> 00:02:06,683
I already have two popes in my room.
13
00:02:06,767 --> 00:02:08,393
Gracias very much.
14
00:02:08,477 --> 00:02:09,686
Oh.
15
00:02:09,770 --> 00:02:11,396
Oh, what's that, Papa?
16
00:02:11,980 --> 00:02:12,814
Are you lonely?
17
00:02:12,898 --> 00:02:14,399
You wanna be with your friends?
18
00:02:16,109 --> 00:02:17,318
Well...
19
00:02:23,283 --> 00:02:24,951
He looks happy there.
20
00:03:17,438 --> 00:03:25,484
Synced & corrected by -robtor-
www.MY-SUBS.com
21
00:03:25,929 --> 00:03:27,806
You can probably dump
that whole thing on there.
22
00:03:27,889 --> 00:03:29,808
Next time.
23
00:03:31,893 --> 00:03:34,437
Hi!
24
00:03:34,521 --> 00:03:36,773
Welcome home, Lupita.
25
00:03:36,857 --> 00:03:40,569
We are almost done,
but there is plenty left.
26
00:03:40,652 --> 00:03:42,279
Aw.
27
00:03:42,362 --> 00:03:46,241
Dinner with my entire family...
And Schneider.
28
00:03:47,576 --> 00:03:50,621
Yes, I invited him again. He's an orphan.
29
00:03:51,538 --> 00:03:54,791
Do orphans always have rich dads
who buy them buildings?
30
00:03:54,875 --> 00:03:58,629
Hey, I may have money in the bank
and two living parents,
31
00:03:58,712 --> 00:04:00,171
and four living stepmothers...
32
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,884
but there is a hole in here.
33
00:04:05,301 --> 00:04:08,429
We never had family meals.
I ate alone in front of the TV.
34
00:04:08,513 --> 00:04:10,766
Ay, pobrecito Schneider.
35
00:04:10,849 --> 00:04:13,101
Oh, don't get me wrong.
It was a massive TV.
36
00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:18,774
Sometimes my nanny would join me,
but only if I agreed to watch telenovelas.
37
00:04:18,857 --> 00:04:20,358
Ooh, those are so over the top.
38
00:04:20,441 --> 00:04:23,319
Right? This one time,
Rosa got jealous of the housekeeper
39
00:04:23,403 --> 00:04:25,238
'cause she was makin' a move on her man,
40
00:04:25,321 --> 00:04:28,449
so she threatened to throw
live scorpions on her while she slept.
41
00:04:28,533 --> 00:04:30,952
Sounds good. Which one was that?
42
00:04:31,452 --> 00:04:33,454
Oh, no. Rosa was my nanny.
43
00:04:35,332 --> 00:04:37,834
Ex-nanny. Now, stepmother.
44
00:04:40,503 --> 00:04:42,130
I am so glad to be here.
45
00:04:42,631 --> 00:04:45,383
I'm just glad to be home with everybody.
46
00:04:46,426 --> 00:04:47,719
Who the hell are you?
47
00:04:49,387 --> 00:04:52,891
This is Carmen, my best friend.
48
00:04:52,974 --> 00:04:55,101
I'm doing my history project with her.
49
00:04:55,685 --> 00:04:58,104
These all sound like things
I should know.
50
00:05:00,273 --> 00:05:01,274
Hi, Carmen.
51
00:05:02,693 --> 00:05:04,235
Hi.
52
00:05:07,781 --> 00:05:09,240
Ah.
53
00:05:09,324 --> 00:05:11,117
I'm Penelope.
54
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:13,578
Kind of a big deal around here.
55
00:05:16,289 --> 00:05:18,917
So, uh, what's this history project
you're working on?
56
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,003
And then maybe later you can show me
how to turn into a bat.
57
00:05:24,923 --> 00:05:27,801
Well, we just got done
explaining the whole thing.
58
00:05:27,884 --> 00:05:29,469
Oh, come on, mija, I missed it.
59
00:05:29,552 --> 00:05:30,887
Oh, no, wait, wait, wait.
60
00:05:30,971 --> 00:05:34,140
Alex, tell your mother that funny story
that happened in chemistry class.
61
00:05:34,224 --> 00:05:36,101
- Again?
- I know, okay, I'll tell it.
62
00:05:37,060 --> 00:05:41,982
So, there is the floor and... slip.
63
00:05:46,569 --> 00:05:47,946
Oh, that Dylan.
64
00:05:48,529 --> 00:05:50,365
Oh, that story never gets old.
65
00:05:50,448 --> 00:05:51,908
Oh, man.
66
00:05:51,992 --> 00:05:54,869
I've been workin' so much,
I'm missing all the scoops...
67
00:05:55,453 --> 00:05:57,163
plus Latina Twilight over here.
68
00:06:00,250 --> 00:06:03,086
Careful.
There's a lot of garlic in that chicken.
69
00:06:06,172 --> 00:06:09,175
Your mom's kind of mean.
I'm obsessed with her.
70
00:06:13,304 --> 00:06:16,767
Who would like a pastelito?
71
00:06:16,850 --> 00:06:19,394
Mmm! You know what?
72
00:06:19,477 --> 00:06:22,147
How about we go on a family hike
this Saturday like we used to?
73
00:06:22,230 --> 00:06:25,191
Mom, uh, Carmen and I need all Saturday
for our history thing.
74
00:06:25,275 --> 00:06:28,111
Yeah, and Abuelita and I have tickets
to wrestling.
75
00:06:28,695 --> 00:06:30,530
I don't understand
why you waste good money on that.
76
00:06:30,613 --> 00:06:31,740
It's educational.
77
00:06:32,615 --> 00:06:33,909
Eh, I don't know.
78
00:06:35,326 --> 00:06:36,619
Okay, Saturday's out.
79
00:06:36,703 --> 00:06:39,247
How about we go on a hike
Sunday morning before it gets hot?
80
00:06:39,831 --> 00:06:42,751
You seem to have forgot.
Sunday morning is for church.
81
00:06:42,834 --> 00:06:45,420
So, we skip church.
82
00:06:45,503 --> 00:06:48,840
You seem to have forgot.
We don't skip church.
83
00:06:49,674 --> 00:06:52,135
Mami, it's okay if we miss it one time.
It's not gonna kill us.
84
00:06:52,218 --> 00:06:53,178
Oh, really?
85
00:06:53,678 --> 00:06:57,140
My great uncle Luisito skipped church,
86
00:06:57,223 --> 00:07:00,894
and on the same day,
he was crushed by a runaway tractor.
87
00:07:03,354 --> 00:07:05,648
Why don't you just go to church
and then go hikin' after?
88
00:07:05,732 --> 00:07:07,984
We're Latinos, church takes all day.
89
00:07:08,068 --> 00:07:09,652
By the time you're done with mass
90
00:07:09,736 --> 00:07:11,571
and you've said hello to fulano y fulana,
91
00:07:11,654 --> 00:07:14,699
- it's five o'clock!
- Oh, you exaggerate. 4:30.
92
00:07:17,118 --> 00:07:20,288
I wanna see these guys this weekend.
Come on.
93
00:07:20,371 --> 00:07:21,497
'Cause I like them.
94
00:07:21,581 --> 00:07:22,623
Oh, no,
95
00:07:22,707 --> 00:07:24,209
I have to put my foot down.
96
00:07:24,292 --> 00:07:26,169
Sundays we go to church...
97
00:07:26,252 --> 00:07:28,630
And then, sometimes we go to Applebee's.
98
00:07:29,130 --> 00:07:30,841
Well, I have a foot, too,
99
00:07:30,924 --> 00:07:35,261
and I'm gonna put my foot down and say
this Sunday we're not going to church.
100
00:07:35,345 --> 00:07:37,973
Well, I am putting both of my feet down.
101
00:07:38,056 --> 00:07:41,559
We are going
and that is the end of it. Ya!
102
00:07:41,642 --> 00:07:43,019
That's not your decision to make.
103
00:07:43,103 --> 00:07:45,313
It's startin' to feel
kinda like home in here.
104
00:07:47,398 --> 00:07:49,525
I'm with Mom.
We don't need to go to church.
105
00:07:49,609 --> 00:07:52,695
After all, Abuelita,
you don't even believe half that stuff.
106
00:07:52,779 --> 00:07:55,240
- I believe everything.
- Really?
107
00:07:55,323 --> 00:07:56,741
When you take the communion
108
00:07:56,825 --> 00:07:59,786
you believe you're eating
the actual flesh and blood of Jesus?
109
00:07:59,870 --> 00:08:01,955
Ay, no, it's a symbol. Don't be gross.
110
00:08:03,123 --> 00:08:05,416
Okay, so, if you believe that,
then you're Protestant.
111
00:08:06,001 --> 00:08:08,336
There is no need for name-calling.
112
00:08:09,712 --> 00:08:13,383
All I know is that a good Catholic
does not skip church.
113
00:08:13,466 --> 00:08:14,509
Right, papito?
114
00:08:14,592 --> 00:08:16,845
I like church. I see my friends.
115
00:08:16,928 --> 00:08:18,554
I eat some donuts.
116
00:08:20,265 --> 00:08:22,308
Now, this one gets it.
117
00:08:23,393 --> 00:08:24,477
We're going.
118
00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:26,021
No, we are not!
119
00:08:26,604 --> 00:08:28,189
I work hard all week.
120
00:08:28,273 --> 00:08:31,067
When I get home, there's barely enough
time to have a meal with the kids.
121
00:08:31,151 --> 00:08:32,360
Weekends are my only chance.
122
00:08:32,443 --> 00:08:34,988
So, this Sunday, no church.
End of discussion.
123
00:08:39,784 --> 00:08:41,244
- Ooh.
- Ooh.
124
00:08:41,327 --> 00:08:42,745
What? What'd she say?
125
00:08:44,330 --> 00:08:45,999
I am raising my voice,
126
00:08:46,082 --> 00:08:48,668
because I cannot believe
we're having this discussion!
127
00:08:48,751 --> 00:08:51,838
I'm their mother!
I don't need to ask permission!
128
00:08:51,922 --> 00:08:52,964
I decide.
129
00:08:53,048 --> 00:08:56,384
And I am your mother,
and I decide what you decide.
130
00:08:59,345 --> 00:09:00,722
We are a family, damn it!
131
00:09:02,598 --> 00:09:04,184
Don't make me choose between you.
132
00:09:04,267 --> 00:09:07,728
Okay, I'd choose Lydia because of
her warm food and even warmer hugs.
133
00:09:07,812 --> 00:09:09,355
But I'd feel really bad about it.
134
00:09:09,439 --> 00:09:13,276
All right, everybody, go do your homework.
Schneider, go call one of your moms.
135
00:09:14,235 --> 00:09:15,069
Fine.
136
00:09:15,153 --> 00:09:18,781
Guess I'll just go eat this all alone
in front of my massive TV.
137
00:09:18,865 --> 00:09:21,409
- Thought that was at your dad's house...
- I have one, too!
138
00:09:22,535 --> 00:09:24,245
Ay.
139
00:09:25,163 --> 00:09:26,581
Okay, Mami...
140
00:09:27,165 --> 00:09:29,250
I love you, but I'm their mother
141
00:09:29,334 --> 00:09:31,586
and you're making decisions
that I should be making.
142
00:09:31,669 --> 00:09:32,921
- ¿Ah, sí?
- Yeah.
143
00:09:33,004 --> 00:09:35,381
Like, I don't like the kids
having dessert every night.
144
00:09:35,465 --> 00:09:37,592
Oh, come on. Es una cosita.
145
00:09:37,675 --> 00:09:40,178
But we have to watch our sugar.
Dad had diabetes.
146
00:09:40,261 --> 00:09:41,972
So, I killed your father?
147
00:09:42,055 --> 00:09:43,556
What? No!
148
00:09:45,892 --> 00:09:47,060
Mami, look around.
149
00:09:47,143 --> 00:09:50,730
I told you, I don't want crosses
and pope stuff everywhere.
150
00:09:50,813 --> 00:09:53,566
My apartment looks like
Jesus' Pinterest page.
151
00:09:55,735 --> 00:09:56,861
This is my house,
152
00:09:56,945 --> 00:10:00,573
and I decide if I want obese kids
or the pope staring at me while I pee.
153
00:10:01,241 --> 00:10:03,868
Ah... yo entiendo.
154
00:10:03,952 --> 00:10:07,413
I cook, I clean,
I teach the children manners...
155
00:10:07,497 --> 00:10:11,251
But if I should have an opinion,
you want me to keep my mouth shut.
156
00:10:11,334 --> 00:10:12,335
Ay, exactly.
157
00:10:12,418 --> 00:10:13,586
- Thank you for understanding...
- No!
158
00:10:15,130 --> 00:10:16,965
So I am a servant?
159
00:10:17,048 --> 00:10:19,675
Like Cinderella? No, Cinderbuela.
160
00:10:22,512 --> 00:10:23,638
No more!
161
00:10:23,721 --> 00:10:25,974
You don't like what I am doing,
I won't do it.
162
00:10:26,057 --> 00:10:28,101
- Mami, please.
- I'll be in my servant's quarters.
163
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:30,061
Slam!
164
00:10:32,981 --> 00:10:37,443
I have to say "slam"
because you would not give me a door!
165
00:11:06,806 --> 00:11:08,099
What?
166
00:11:10,810 --> 00:11:12,353
Eso...
167
00:11:12,437 --> 00:11:13,854
Yeah! Oh.
168
00:11:22,072 --> 00:11:23,406
Where's Abuelita?
169
00:11:23,489 --> 00:11:25,408
- Pouting.
- Where's breakfast?
170
00:11:25,491 --> 00:11:26,868
Working on it.
171
00:11:27,452 --> 00:11:28,494
Where's breakfast?
172
00:11:28,578 --> 00:11:29,870
I'm... I'm working on it.
173
00:11:29,954 --> 00:11:31,247
Where are my pants?
174
00:11:31,831 --> 00:11:32,874
You're kidding, right?
175
00:11:33,708 --> 00:11:35,335
How can you not know
where your pants are at?
176
00:11:35,418 --> 00:11:38,088
Abuelita washed them.
She said my cuffs looked shabby.
177
00:11:38,171 --> 00:11:39,672
Who am I to disagree?
178
00:11:39,755 --> 00:11:42,633
All right, Mami, you win!
179
00:11:42,717 --> 00:11:45,136
Where are Alex's pants?
180
00:11:51,476 --> 00:11:52,810
Where's Abuelita?
181
00:11:53,561 --> 00:11:55,855
She's small.
She's probably under something.
182
00:12:05,198 --> 00:12:06,407
Kids...
183
00:12:07,908 --> 00:12:10,036
I think your abuelita
has run away from home.
184
00:12:17,793 --> 00:12:20,671
- Hello, Schneider. Listen, have you...
- Wow!
185
00:12:20,755 --> 00:12:23,258
I always forget
how huge your apartment is.
186
00:12:23,341 --> 00:12:26,219
Nah, come on, it's not that big.
But let's talk in the parlor.
187
00:12:27,428 --> 00:12:29,389
Schneider, have you seen my mom?
188
00:12:30,306 --> 00:12:31,599
Gosh, no.
189
00:12:32,058 --> 00:12:36,271
Then why do I smell
fried plantains and Cuban coffee?
190
00:12:36,354 --> 00:12:38,106
Fine! She spent the night.
191
00:12:38,189 --> 00:12:40,441
But I want you to know, nothing happened.
192
00:12:42,777 --> 00:12:44,862
What were you thinking,
chasin' that woman away?
193
00:12:44,945 --> 00:12:46,947
She's funny, she's charming,
and when she gets angry,
194
00:12:47,031 --> 00:12:48,116
she cleans.
195
00:12:48,699 --> 00:12:50,368
- Where is she?
- I don't know.
196
00:12:50,451 --> 00:12:51,827
After last night's ugliness,
197
00:12:51,911 --> 00:12:54,247
she spent the night
and left without saying goodbye,
198
00:12:54,330 --> 00:12:56,124
so she already knows the drill.
199
00:12:59,419 --> 00:13:01,504
Unlike some people.
200
00:13:05,425 --> 00:13:07,802
What was that?
And why was she drinking my coffee?
201
00:13:08,303 --> 00:13:10,721
Well, when my family oasis
blew up last night,
202
00:13:10,805 --> 00:13:13,474
I had to seek solace in the arms of...
203
00:13:14,016 --> 00:13:15,185
I don't know her name.
204
00:13:16,769 --> 00:13:20,064
Your mom called her the "Stick Girl"
and made her eat plato de huevos.
205
00:13:22,317 --> 00:13:24,944
Did Abuelita forget to give her
her pants, too?
206
00:13:27,572 --> 00:13:31,033
Well, there's no reason
to get lawyers involved.
207
00:13:31,117 --> 00:13:32,327
My daughter.
208
00:13:33,536 --> 00:13:37,665
Katie, if I raised my voice
the other night, I'm sorry.
209
00:13:38,958 --> 00:13:42,211
And I'm sorry for that, too. And that.
210
00:13:43,463 --> 00:13:44,797
No, no, wait, wait, no.
211
00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:48,509
Now I am not going to apologize
for saying "unemployed,"
212
00:13:48,593 --> 00:13:50,553
because that's what you are.
213
00:13:51,762 --> 00:13:54,014
You're so sensitive.
214
00:13:55,099 --> 00:13:58,561
And, sweetheart, I just want
you to be honest with yourself
215
00:13:58,644 --> 00:14:00,688
and ask what happens
216
00:14:00,771 --> 00:14:04,817
if your self-published vampire erotica
doesn't take off.
217
00:14:06,361 --> 00:14:09,780
No, no, of course, I believe in you.
It's...
218
00:14:09,864 --> 00:14:11,616
And she's gone.
219
00:14:13,909 --> 00:14:16,078
Well, you know how kids are.
220
00:14:17,163 --> 00:14:19,039
Thirty-seven is a rough age.
221
00:14:21,501 --> 00:14:22,793
Any word from your mom?
222
00:14:22,877 --> 00:14:24,837
No, but I'm sure she's home
223
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:28,174
talking crap about me
with Juan Pablo and Benedicto.
224
00:14:29,175 --> 00:14:31,511
Has she ever disappeared
like this before?
225
00:14:31,594 --> 00:14:34,430
No, usually when we fight,
she does the opposite of go away.
226
00:14:34,514 --> 00:14:36,641
She just sighs really loudly.
227
00:14:36,724 --> 00:14:39,519
"Ay!"
228
00:14:39,602 --> 00:14:42,813
Anything to draw attention
to the fact that she's wounded and nearby.
229
00:14:43,648 --> 00:14:46,359
My ex used to have a sigh, too.
230
00:14:46,442 --> 00:14:47,777
It went like this...
231
00:14:47,860 --> 00:14:49,820
"I hate you!"
232
00:14:53,366 --> 00:14:54,909
I still miss her.
233
00:14:57,203 --> 00:14:58,246
I just... I don't...
234
00:14:58,329 --> 00:14:59,830
I don't have time for this drama,
you know?
235
00:14:59,914 --> 00:15:01,957
I got work, I got bills, I got kids.
236
00:15:02,041 --> 00:15:03,418
Well, doesn't she help out?
237
00:15:03,501 --> 00:15:06,754
Yeah, she gets the groceries,
cooks, cleans,
238
00:15:06,837 --> 00:15:09,173
spends time with the kids,
does the laundry...
239
00:15:09,257 --> 00:15:11,008
Sounds like she does everything.
240
00:15:11,509 --> 00:15:13,469
Well, it does when I say it out loud.
241
00:15:14,512 --> 00:15:17,097
She's also turning my apartment
into the Sistine Chapel.
242
00:15:17,181 --> 00:15:19,225
That must look amazing.
243
00:15:21,060 --> 00:15:23,103
Okay, I'm not explaining this right.
244
00:15:23,896 --> 00:15:25,064
Wait, hold on.
245
00:15:25,773 --> 00:15:26,941
Oh, yeah.
246
00:15:27,024 --> 00:15:29,109
Hey, Schneider,
I am just about to leave. What's up?
247
00:15:29,193 --> 00:15:31,446
I just came down to get
my afternoon café con leche
248
00:15:31,529 --> 00:15:32,905
and kiss on the cheek from your mom,
249
00:15:33,489 --> 00:15:35,449
- but she's still not here.
- What?
250
00:15:35,533 --> 00:15:38,077
But don't worry, though. I got this.
All three kids are fine.
251
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:39,579
- Three?
- Yeah.
252
00:15:39,662 --> 00:15:41,622
Carmen, Elena's best friend?
253
00:15:41,706 --> 00:15:43,541
We have got to catch you up.
254
00:15:45,125 --> 00:15:48,170
I know who Carmen is.
She's the ghost who ate all my chicken.
255
00:15:49,464 --> 00:15:50,840
Hi, Ms. Alvarez.
256
00:15:52,550 --> 00:15:54,176
Takin' you off speaker.
257
00:15:54,469 --> 00:15:57,680
Great. Now she's gonna send
her flying monkeys after me.
258
00:16:00,391 --> 00:16:02,977
- And now you're off speaker.
- Schneider!
259
00:16:03,686 --> 00:16:05,104
Oh, my God.
260
00:16:06,063 --> 00:16:07,940
Anyway...
261
00:16:08,190 --> 00:16:09,734
I appreciate you helping me out.
262
00:16:09,817 --> 00:16:11,611
Ah, it's cool.
I had to get out of my apartment.
263
00:16:11,694 --> 00:16:13,779
Stick Girl is still up there.
264
00:16:15,490 --> 00:16:18,033
I called her an Uber this morning.
The guy never showed.
265
00:16:18,117 --> 00:16:19,619
Maybe it's a sign.
266
00:16:19,827 --> 00:16:21,203
Should I marry her?
267
00:16:22,538 --> 00:16:23,831
Schneider, I gotta go.
268
00:16:25,791 --> 00:16:27,043
Okay, now I'm worried.
269
00:16:27,126 --> 00:16:29,795
She's never not been home
when the kids get there.
270
00:16:29,879 --> 00:16:31,130
And plus, she's 70.
271
00:16:31,213 --> 00:16:32,923
One wrong move and she's down.
272
00:16:33,007 --> 00:16:36,093
You know, the entire world is
one giant, wet bathroom floor.
273
00:16:37,845 --> 00:16:40,514
- Any idea where she could be?
- No, none.
274
00:16:40,598 --> 00:16:41,432
Huh...
275
00:16:42,016 --> 00:16:45,978
Where would a devout Catholic woman go
276
00:16:46,186 --> 00:16:50,065
after an argument with her daughter
about religion?
277
00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:53,903
Thank you, Dr. Berkowitz.
278
00:16:54,529 --> 00:16:55,738
Thank you.
279
00:16:56,656 --> 00:16:58,574
But we need to answer the question.
280
00:17:14,882 --> 00:17:15,966
Hi, Mami.
281
00:17:18,928 --> 00:17:21,972
So, you just assumed I was here?
282
00:17:24,392 --> 00:17:27,645
Because I'm an ignorant,
old woman married to prayer?
283
00:17:30,481 --> 00:17:33,317
But... you are here.
284
00:17:35,986 --> 00:17:39,198
Still... you shouldn't stereotype.
285
00:17:42,117 --> 00:17:43,494
Hi, Birdie.
286
00:17:45,621 --> 00:17:48,123
She is such a suck-up.
287
00:17:49,041 --> 00:17:52,962
She thinks she's tan fancy because her
four grandsons are altar boys.
288
00:17:53,045 --> 00:17:53,879
Guataca.
289
00:17:54,714 --> 00:17:57,132
Move over.
290
00:17:58,676 --> 00:17:59,719
- Ah-ah!
- Oh!
291
00:18:07,059 --> 00:18:08,185
So...
292
00:18:09,437 --> 00:18:11,230
have you been here all day?
293
00:18:11,313 --> 00:18:13,065
Getting decorating ideas?
294
00:18:19,196 --> 00:18:20,573
No...
295
00:18:21,574 --> 00:18:25,119
I have been riding around this morning
in something called el Uber.
296
00:18:26,078 --> 00:18:29,540
Oh, wow. That must've been expensive.
297
00:18:29,624 --> 00:18:31,876
Schneider set it up. I think it's free.
298
00:18:33,544 --> 00:18:35,713
Oh, I think that car was for Stick Girl.
299
00:18:35,796 --> 00:18:37,131
Oh, her.
300
00:18:41,927 --> 00:18:42,845
Mami...
301
00:18:44,304 --> 00:18:48,058
I feel terrible about our argument,
but we gotta talk about some things.
302
00:18:48,142 --> 00:18:49,143
Okay.
303
00:18:50,144 --> 00:18:51,729
But you must keep your voice down,
304
00:18:51,812 --> 00:18:55,816
because you-know-who
just put in new batteries.
305
00:19:02,490 --> 00:19:06,536
So... I may have overreacted last night,
306
00:19:06,619 --> 00:19:10,456
but you have to understand,
I'm not gonna be a mom for much longer.
307
00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:12,917
Elena is having her quinces.
308
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,085
Alex is already using hair gel.
309
00:19:15,169 --> 00:19:17,505
And, you know,
soon they're gonna be out of the house.
310
00:19:18,422 --> 00:19:21,425
I just... I need you to give me
more space to parent.
311
00:19:22,760 --> 00:19:25,345
I understand what you are saying.
312
00:19:26,347 --> 00:19:28,724
- Don't put me in a home.
- What?
313
00:19:30,142 --> 00:19:33,145
What, Mami? No, no.
I wouldn't... I'm not gonna do...
314
00:19:33,228 --> 00:19:35,690
I would never do that.
I would never do that!
315
00:19:35,773 --> 00:19:37,357
Ever.
316
00:19:37,441 --> 00:19:39,485
- Oh, no?
- No!
317
00:19:50,329 --> 00:19:52,456
I would never put you in a home.
318
00:19:53,123 --> 00:19:55,876
Mami, where is this coming from?
319
00:19:55,960 --> 00:19:57,503
Your abuela...
320
00:19:57,586 --> 00:20:00,172
Berto's mama, used to live with us...
321
00:20:00,464 --> 00:20:04,176
And all day long,
she would slice onions...
322
00:20:05,135 --> 00:20:09,139
the most beautiful paper-thin onions.
323
00:20:09,223 --> 00:20:10,683
I remember.
324
00:20:10,766 --> 00:20:12,685
Nobody could slice an onion like Abuela.
325
00:20:12,768 --> 00:20:15,062
Well, it's not that hard.
You need a sharp knife, that's all.
326
00:20:17,356 --> 00:20:20,275
But it made her feel useful.
327
00:20:21,193 --> 00:20:25,155
Problem was, we hated onions.
328
00:20:25,239 --> 00:20:27,282
So, one day we told her.
329
00:20:28,618 --> 00:20:31,078
The next week, dead.
330
00:20:31,161 --> 00:20:32,204
Oh...
331
00:20:33,163 --> 00:20:34,414
that's terrible.
332
00:20:34,498 --> 00:20:35,416
I know.
333
00:20:36,751 --> 00:20:38,878
I still get teary when I...
334
00:20:38,961 --> 00:20:41,296
slice an onion.
335
00:20:47,261 --> 00:20:52,725
Mami, you are the glue
that holds our home together.
336
00:20:53,017 --> 00:20:56,729
Without you, we'd be on the street
living in a cardboard box.
337
00:20:56,812 --> 00:20:58,856
You're just saying that to cheer me up.
338
00:20:58,939 --> 00:21:00,440
No.
339
00:21:00,524 --> 00:21:02,985
I'm really not. We need you.
340
00:21:05,195 --> 00:21:06,321
So, Mami...
341
00:21:07,322 --> 00:21:11,410
could you make me un cafecito
in the morning for the rest of my life?
342
00:21:13,829 --> 00:21:16,165
Claro.
343
00:21:16,248 --> 00:21:17,833
Aw...
344
00:21:25,758 --> 00:21:27,593
She is like a bat!
345
00:21:31,263 --> 00:21:32,097
Shall we?
346
00:21:32,973 --> 00:21:34,183
Yes.
347
00:21:34,266 --> 00:21:36,518
And we'll be back Sunday, anyways.
348
00:21:37,728 --> 00:21:39,897
Yeah, you know,
we'll talk about that later.
349
00:21:39,980 --> 00:21:41,857
We'll talk... What's to talk about?
350
00:21:41,941 --> 00:21:44,568
Well...
351
00:21:44,652 --> 00:21:47,362
I'm just not sure I wanna go to church...
352
00:21:48,322 --> 00:21:49,406
Maybe ever again.
353
00:21:51,158 --> 00:21:52,409
What?
354
00:21:53,577 --> 00:21:56,121
She said she didn't want to go to church.
355
00:21:59,458 --> 00:22:01,126
Mami!
356
00:22:01,210 --> 00:22:02,670
Don't do that!
357
00:22:03,587 --> 00:22:05,297
Mami, por favor, vámonos ya,
358
00:22:05,380 --> 00:22:07,049
- please!
- You go on.
359
00:22:07,132 --> 00:22:09,301
I will pray for your eternal soul...
360
00:22:10,094 --> 00:22:12,096
And then call el Uber.
361
00:22:17,101 --> 00:22:18,728
Hi!
362
00:22:20,354 --> 00:22:22,731
Welcome home, Lupita!
363
00:22:24,692 --> 00:22:25,985
We already started,
364
00:22:26,068 --> 00:22:28,779
but I insisted nobody say
anything interesting till you got here.
365
00:22:28,863 --> 00:22:30,781
Aw, that's so sweet.
366
00:22:30,864 --> 00:22:32,116
It's been weird.
367
00:22:33,868 --> 00:22:35,160
Did you find Abuelita?
368
00:22:35,244 --> 00:22:36,787
Yeah, she's with Jesus now.
369
00:22:36,871 --> 00:22:38,873
- What?
- No, no!
370
00:22:38,956 --> 00:22:41,917
Sorry. She's at church.
Uh, poor choice of words.
371
00:22:42,001 --> 00:22:44,128
Um, church.
372
00:22:44,795 --> 00:22:47,547
Uh, whoa! What do we have here?
373
00:22:47,631 --> 00:22:49,633
Oh, nothing special,
just some nutted quinoa,
374
00:22:49,717 --> 00:22:51,593
wilted broccolini
with radish micro-greens,
375
00:22:51,677 --> 00:22:53,262
and venison carpaccio
on a bed of nettles.
376
00:22:53,345 --> 00:22:55,222
Grab a cedar plank and dig in.
377
00:22:57,641 --> 00:22:59,894
Big change from Abuelita's cooking, huh?
378
00:23:00,811 --> 00:23:01,937
You like it?
379
00:23:06,817 --> 00:23:08,736
I can't wait to have eaten it.
380
00:23:10,863 --> 00:23:14,491
I didn't think I would like nettles.
And I was right.
381
00:23:15,575 --> 00:23:18,370
Well, I'm competing with perfection here.
382
00:23:18,453 --> 00:23:19,705
It's okay, Schneider.
383
00:23:19,789 --> 00:23:22,833
We all thank you
for this very Caucasian meal.
384
00:23:24,584 --> 00:23:27,087
And good to see you again,
Elena's best friend, Carmen,
385
00:23:27,171 --> 00:23:28,422
you beautiful weirdo.
386
00:23:30,632 --> 00:23:32,509
I'm sorry things got crazy
the other night.
387
00:23:32,592 --> 00:23:33,844
That's... that's not us.
388
00:23:33,928 --> 00:23:35,304
Seems like us.
389
00:23:36,305 --> 00:23:38,598
We have all kinds of arguments
in my family.
390
00:23:38,682 --> 00:23:42,269
I have two brothers.
One's a priest, one's a witch, so...
391
00:23:50,152 --> 00:23:54,198
I am... really glad
I'm getting to know you better, Carmen.
392
00:23:55,657 --> 00:23:57,242
Hello!
393
00:23:57,326 --> 00:23:59,411
- Oh!
- Oh, thank God!
394
00:24:03,540 --> 00:24:05,625
I am so glad you're home.
395
00:24:05,709 --> 00:24:07,878
I was wilting under the pressure
to be you.
396
00:24:07,962 --> 00:24:10,464
Oh, hello, babies.
397
00:24:10,547 --> 00:24:14,051
I'm sure you did fine.
Who threw up on the table?
398
00:24:17,221 --> 00:24:18,555
What were you doing all day?
399
00:24:18,638 --> 00:24:21,851
Oh, you know, saying my Rosary,
400
00:24:21,934 --> 00:24:24,561
praying for the departed souls...
401
00:24:25,270 --> 00:24:27,940
Asking forgiveness for your mother.
402
00:24:28,816 --> 00:24:30,943
- Mami.
- Why?
403
00:24:31,026 --> 00:24:32,402
Oh, didn't she tell you?
404
00:24:32,486 --> 00:24:35,781
She's no longer going to church. Ever.
405
00:24:35,865 --> 00:24:37,366
We can do that?
406
00:24:39,118 --> 00:24:40,452
You can't.
407
00:24:40,535 --> 00:24:42,287
We will all go together. Us.
408
00:24:42,371 --> 00:24:44,498
Your mother will go hiking with Satan.
409
00:24:47,251 --> 00:24:49,586
Yeah, and then we'll go to Applebee's.
410
00:24:49,669 --> 00:24:53,215
'Cause Satan loves
the Fiesta Lime Chicken!
411
00:24:54,716 --> 00:24:58,804
So, I guess you want to take
my grandchildren to hell with you.
412
00:24:59,721 --> 00:25:01,056
I don't wanna go to hell.
413
00:25:01,140 --> 00:25:02,474
There is no hell.
414
00:25:02,557 --> 00:25:04,894
Don't worry, papito, there is.
415
00:25:05,811 --> 00:25:08,480
Okay! You... you really wanna do this?
416
00:25:08,563 --> 00:25:11,150
All right, let's do this.
417
00:25:11,233 --> 00:25:15,487
I am not even sure
I even believe in God, okay?
418
00:25:17,406 --> 00:25:18,573
Hardcore.
419
00:25:21,660 --> 00:25:23,453
Oye, you're so smart.
420
00:25:24,121 --> 00:25:26,748
If God doesn't exist,
who made all of this?
421
00:25:26,832 --> 00:25:27,875
Target.
422
00:25:30,210 --> 00:25:33,297
Okay, can we agree
that if there is a God,
423
00:25:33,380 --> 00:25:36,008
it's gender-neutral, not a he or a she?
424
00:25:36,091 --> 00:25:39,219
No! God is a man.
425
00:25:39,303 --> 00:25:41,931
If he were a woman,
there would be less problems.
426
00:25:43,140 --> 00:25:45,392
Pobrecito God. He tries so hard.
427
00:25:46,768 --> 00:25:50,105
Look, Mami, I get it.
You like going to church. It's habit.
428
00:25:50,189 --> 00:25:53,775
You put on lipstick, you get dressed up,
you see your friends, you gossip...
429
00:25:53,859 --> 00:25:56,946
"Oye.La nieta de Olguitita got new tetas."
430
00:25:58,906 --> 00:26:01,741
It's your little social club, Mami,
and that's fine.
431
00:26:02,326 --> 00:26:04,203
It is more than that.
432
00:26:04,578 --> 00:26:07,539
I pray. I seek forgiveness.
433
00:26:07,622 --> 00:26:09,833
And I am so glad
that that gives you comfort.
434
00:26:09,917 --> 00:26:12,586
But that doesn't mean
that God exists, okay? I'm sorry.
435
00:26:14,629 --> 00:26:15,797
He kept you safe.
436
00:26:17,049 --> 00:26:20,385
Every day that you were gone,
he kept you safe.
437
00:26:21,386 --> 00:26:23,805
My little girl says
she wants to go in the Army,
438
00:26:24,348 --> 00:26:26,808
and then the Army sends
her to Afghanistan
439
00:26:27,309 --> 00:26:30,854
where she is getting shot at
and I don't even know what else...
440
00:26:32,231 --> 00:26:33,941
Have you any idea...
441
00:26:34,900 --> 00:26:36,360
how much I worried?
442
00:26:37,736 --> 00:26:39,488
When you were deployed,
443
00:26:39,571 --> 00:26:42,574
I went to church every day
444
00:26:43,117 --> 00:26:45,869
and I prayed that he would keep you safe.
445
00:26:47,412 --> 00:26:49,248
And he did.
446
00:26:50,666 --> 00:26:52,668
So don't you tell me about God.
447
00:26:53,627 --> 00:26:56,546
I know that God exists.
448
00:26:59,258 --> 00:27:00,425
And he is great.
449
00:27:11,228 --> 00:27:12,896
Mami, I'm sorry.
450
00:27:13,981 --> 00:27:16,608
Perdón. Lo siento.
451
00:27:17,609 --> 00:27:18,944
I had no idea.
452
00:27:19,028 --> 00:27:21,905
You know, you went missing for one day
453
00:27:21,989 --> 00:27:23,490
and I was worried sick.
454
00:27:24,283 --> 00:27:28,203
I can't imagine what it must feel like
to worry all those years.
455
00:27:29,038 --> 00:27:31,748
Ay, sí.
All those years putting up with Birdie,
456
00:27:32,707 --> 00:27:36,128
with her terrible hairdos
and her smelly bad breath.
457
00:27:39,881 --> 00:27:42,009
Look...
458
00:27:42,092 --> 00:27:43,593
I still wear the cross you gave me.
459
00:27:43,677 --> 00:27:45,971
So you do believe.
460
00:27:46,055 --> 00:27:48,974
No, I don't wear it because it's a cross.
461
00:27:49,058 --> 00:27:51,226
I wear it because you gave it to me.
462
00:27:51,310 --> 00:27:54,563
I don't understand the difference,
so please just let me have this.
463
00:27:54,646 --> 00:27:56,315
Okay.
464
00:27:59,943 --> 00:28:01,737
So, are we going to church or not?
465
00:28:05,615 --> 00:28:08,327
Yes. Wait, no. Wait... Sometimes, okay?
466
00:28:08,410 --> 00:28:09,869
- Sometimes, okay?
- Yeah.
467
00:28:09,953 --> 00:28:12,914
- Well, at least...
- at least Christmas and Easter.
468
00:28:12,998 --> 00:28:15,542
And one other time,
so we are not those people.
469
00:28:18,503 --> 00:28:20,880
And I'm not saying God doesn't exist.
470
00:28:20,964 --> 00:28:24,509
In fact, I check in with him
constantly, you know, like,
471
00:28:24,843 --> 00:28:27,679
"Please, God, don't let Elena
come home with a face tattoo."
472
00:28:30,140 --> 00:28:33,518
And, Mami, I am glad
that you find comfort in church.
473
00:28:34,519 --> 00:28:36,188
I just find it in different places.
474
00:28:36,855 --> 00:28:38,774
You know, once in Afghanistan...
475
00:28:39,566 --> 00:28:43,320
I came out of 20 hours of surgery,
and I was so tired.
476
00:28:44,238 --> 00:28:48,200
I went into the break room
and Serena Williams was on TV.
477
00:28:50,452 --> 00:28:52,287
She was so focused.
478
00:28:52,371 --> 00:28:54,706
She was making these impossible shots.
479
00:28:54,956 --> 00:28:58,252
And I just kept thinking about
everything that she had to go through
480
00:28:58,335 --> 00:28:59,919
to get to where she is.
481
00:29:00,003 --> 00:29:03,215
All the hours of sacrifice,
all the practice.
482
00:29:04,299 --> 00:29:06,260
And then I just felt like, "Okay...
483
00:29:07,802 --> 00:29:09,888
if she can do that, then I can do this."
484
00:29:12,516 --> 00:29:15,227
That's how I feel when I watch John Cena.
485
00:29:16,228 --> 00:29:18,897
Yes. Exactly.
486
00:29:18,980 --> 00:29:23,527
Exactly. Or Sonia Sotomayor... or Death.
487
00:29:26,905 --> 00:29:30,575
Everyone has something
that inspires them.
488
00:29:32,536 --> 00:29:33,745
Yo entiendo.
489
00:29:36,206 --> 00:29:39,626
I also... play Nintendo.
490
00:30:26,256 --> 00:30:28,133
- Good morning.
- Morning.
36490
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