All language subtitles for Community s05e12 Basic Story.eng

So according to the demonologist,

the gymnasium is clean.

Jeez, we're running out
of To-Do Stars.

- Already dealt with.
- It's hard to believe.

Somewhere along the way,
we started turning this school around.

Huh.

- Hmm.
- Huh.

- What the hell was that?
- What was what?

That long, quiet lull.
I don't like it.

It's called contentment, dude.

Exactly. We're never content.

Someone's always got to have
a problem.

I've got a problem.

I don't like Abed's problem
with our lack of problems.

- Ooh.
- Oh. Ah, okay.

[Laughter]

I commented on his commentary.

I just drew a circle
around Abed, baby.

[Sweet voice]
I don't think it's nice

to pigeonhole people's gimmicks.

[Deep voice]
You hear me, two voice?

Abed, let us have a moment
of peace and stillness.

They're kind of rare around here.

All I'm saying is,
calm before the storm.

Says the storm generator.

All right, fine. Let's be content.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Attention, students
and faculty of Greendale.

I pressed this button on accident

but might as well check in.

How are you?

ALL IN BACKGROUND:
Fine.

Aw, that's nice. I'm good too.

I love you guys.

ALL IN BACKGROUND:
We love you too.

The information you have requested...

...is on the internet.

[Groans]
Oh.

School board, baby.

School board guys coming in.

I would appreciate some knocking.

Do you know what goes on in here?

Just a heads-up.

There's an insurance appraiser
coming tomorrow.

Your ass is getting appraised
insurance-style.

- [Laughs]
- What does that mean?

We hope it means we find out
that your school is very,

very valuable to the city.

Hey, how hilarious would that be?

[Laughter]

Are you guys drunk?

Good luck proving it
before we're not.

Yeah.

[Scoffs]

[Electronic whirring and beeping]

Pa-pa-papaya.

Whoa!

Heh.

Strawberry.

Too ripe.

You guys have been doing this
for 30 minutes.

So what?

I made all the vegetables disappear.

Usually, a lot more than this
happens in 30 minutes is all I'm saying.

We're just relaxed and happy.

I care more about this than
anything I've ever cared about.

Best $199 I've ever spent.

It's $3.

What are you playing?

That's control software for some
kind of irrigation equipment.

It's fun.

Save Greendale Committee, unite.

Boom.

An insurance appraiser
is coming tomorrow

to inspect the school,

and if he doesn't appraise us good,

the school is doomed, doomed.

Call to adventure.
Call to adventure.

What's an insurance appraiser?

Something that sounds normal
and boring

but is actually scary,
like a raised mole

or a turkey deep fryer.

There's only one man
qualified to appraise insurance,

and he died 2,000 years ago
on a cross.

I've seen
insurance appraisers bleed.

Their blood's different, darker.

Everyone, take a breath.

You're overreacting because this
school is addicted to crisis.

They're like one
of those hurricane Katrina dogs

that won't let anyone
pet them anymore.

But the weird thing we need
to get used to is this:

The school's in decent shape.

This doesn't have to be a big deal.

I wrote a paper on those dogs.

We've worked hard all semester
to save this school.

Truth is, we did.

So relax.

- Are you sure, Jeffrey?
- I promise.

Jeff's heart is in the right place,
but he's wrong.

Greendale is a crazy place
where crazy things happen.

I have a plan.

We'll pretend our school has
a world-renowned physics department.

Dean, start learning Swedish.

I'll do my best!

Hickey, do you keep in touch
with any unstable criminals that you busted?

Mm, five.

Get them down here
for costume measurements.

Annie, we need to make
a particle accelerator

out of Kleenex boxes.

Nope. Nobody do any of that.

Abed, outside.

There is no story.

Everything's a story, Jeff.
Getting out of bed is a story.

Certainly this is a story.

I mean, start with the study room.

We're content. I'm concerned.

Skip the fruit-matching stuff.

Dean enters with
the insurance appraiser story,

call, refusal.

You're literally dragging me
across a threshold

demanding there be no story,
which puts me

into a whole new world
that I'm gonna have to adapt to.

Well, you have to do it
by yourself, please. Okay?

Because if this appraisal is a story,

that means we're in trouble,
and we are not in trouble,

because if we are...

No more stories.

Ta-da.

So we'll see you later.

After no story.

No story.

So be it.

Let the lack of story...

[Slurping]

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Hey.

Oh, put one trap behind each cabinet.

Although I think we're good.

The cafeteria food killed
most of the roaches anyway.

Hey, check it out.

Is this a wedding ring?

Are you kidding?

What...

Aww, I lost this my first week here.

Oh, who's the lucky...

It's my mom's.

I started wearing it
because... I don't know.

Everybody dreams
of settling down, right?

And because it fits.

She had huge fingers for a woman,

part of what killed her, really.

I'm not dreaming about settling down.

Well, maybe you already have.

You're teaching, and you like it.

You love Greendale.

No, I love scotch and myself.

I tolerate Greendale.

It's a good school.

That's why there's no need
for this to get sentimental.

This inspection is going to be
the most boring thing

to happen here
since Britta dated Troy.

All right, no story.

Wait.

If there's no story,
what am I explaining?

I'm in a story.

Okay, think, Abed, think.

How do you shake a story?

The answer...

is in the teacher's lounge.

[Dramatic music]

- Here he comes, here he comes.
- Okay.

Hi, there.
My name is Ronald Mohammed.

Go ahead. I've heard them all.

The city of Greendale
has sent me here

to assess this campus' level
of liability.

Now, what do I mean by liability?

Well, the city defines liability

as any asserted
or non-asserted perturbation

by any qualifying party.

What's a party?

A party is a person
or a group of persons

or an event celebrating a person

or a party of persons' birth,
marriage...

Don't panic, Jeffrey.

Hmm? I'm fine.

I'm the only one
who's not panicking.

Oh, please.

You can lie to yourself,
but don't lie to me.

But the city defines a dog
as any living entity

with four legs and a tail,

so raccoons, bears,
mountain lions, mice...

these are all just
different sizes of dog.

What do I mean by "size"?

I'll tell you a story.

What's that supposed to mean?

I know how much you feel
for the campus, Jeff.

I know how much you feel
in general.

And I know you think
it's a weakness,

but believe me,
it's your strength.

You got something in your teeth.

Mm-hmm, you got something
in your chest.

400,000 gallons
of liquefied horse meat.

Here I come.

Just...

"And you shall find that salt
is the taste

"of another man's bread,

and hard is the way up and down
another man's stairs."

Dante.

Let's proceed.

[Gasps]

No!

It's always a story.

Everything is a story.

Wait. Wait. Wait.
Story feeds on conflict.

If I stop resisting,
it'll stop being a story.

No, Abed.

Me with a beard?

Keep fighting the story.

Keep fighting it
until it falls apart.

I'm right.

I mean I'm wrong.

I mean I'm right.
I mean I'm wrong.

I mean I'm right.
I mean I'm wrong.

I mean I'm right.
I mean I'm wrong.

Unsubscribe.

For the final stage of my appraisal,

I am going to randomly select
one of your vending machines

to see if it can be rocked
using human strength

enough to tip and crush me.

Now, in the U.S., each year,
six people die this way,

and five of them
are insurance appraisers,

so I take this very seriously.
Here we go.

[Grunts]

Okay.

- Whoo!
- Sorry we're late.

Hey, look. It's Ronald Mohammed.

How about that name?
[Laughter]

All right, Ronald,
what's the damage?

How much is this scampy,
little hole in the Earth

gonna cost us this year?

Well, your gas leak is repaired,

all your fire exits
actually lead outside,

and I am told that no new species

have been discovered here
in a week.

I have to say, I was
brought in here to estimate

Greendale's liability,
but at this point in time,

I'd describe this campus
as an actual property asset.

This property has value.

[All cheering]

- Yeah!
- Best news ever!

[Dave Matthews Band's Ants Marching]

[Grunting]

- This property has value.
- It has value.

- That means we can sell it!
- We can finally sell it!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Press "stop" on Dave Matthews.

What did you just say?

We can start courting
businesses to unload this school

on the private sector.

What do you mean "unload it"?

This is a huge chunk of real estate,

which generates no tax revenue
and takes money

from the education budget.

That's because it's
a community college.

Well, excuse us for taking longer

to see that was the problem.

Maybe we're not as smart as you.

I mean, we only went to Yale.

Oh, no, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.
- Oh!

Oh, hey, we should call
T.J.Maxx right away.

Dude, I told you.
This jacket looks fine.

No, to talk about selling this place.

Oh, right.
Yeah, T.J.Maxx, Marshalls.

What about Ben & Jerry's?

Oh, Richie, you're my friend,

but that is the last thing you need.

[Sighs]
Tough love received, bro.

[Somber music]

I did it. This school is story-free.

We can be content now forever.

[Sighs]

Ahh!

[Grunting]

Let me be one of the six this year.

Craig... Craig, this vending
machine is not gonna

tip over and crush you.

Why not? Why?

Because we fixed it
when we saved Greendale.

We saved Greendale.

And now they're gonna sell it.

[Sobs]

[Dave Matthews Band's Ants Marching]

If I come over there,

there are gonna be two sounds:

me hitting you twice.

Hello, Greendale, as you know,

our school will soon be replaced
by a sandwich university.

However, every ending
is also a beginning.

Sure, things may look bad now.

Some of us may have no idea
where we're going or what to do.

But...

Okay, okay,
I should have written this out.

I thought I'd be able to come up
with something on the fly.

Moving on to phase two:

the actual saving of Greendale.

Annie...

I've generated a few ideas
involving social media

that I think might do the trick.

Annie...

You want us to tweet
"SaveGreendale"?

I'm sorry, Annie.

The reason I have 48 followers
is that I don't exploit them.

They come to me
for atheistic rants and photos

of my meals,
not this obnoxiousness.

We need to make people aware
that Greendale exists

- and needs help.
- Why?

Because once the internet
knows about something,

it changes.

Right. Just ask Chris brown or China.

[Sobbing]

Jeff, you made Annie cry.

Well, if it's any consolation,

this is the last time
that will ever happen.

[Sobbing]

I know how to save Greendale.

Treasure. Buried treasure.

Okay, I'm tapped.

We all wish we could
do something, Annie,

but I think that concludes
the last meeting

of the Save Greendale Committee,

the committee that did its darnedest.

Wait.

Are we sure we can't stop the school
from being sold to Subway?

I'm afraid so, Chang.

Okay, I just wanted to make sure.

Ha-ha, screw you guys.

It's time to get paid.

Chang just unexpectedly
betrayed the group

for the last time.

[Sighs]

[Sobbing]

Greendale is going to make
a great Subway sandwich university.

You know, research shows
most of your graduates end up

working for our restaurants anyway.

That's by design.
We're very proud of our school.

Proud of Subway's school.
This campus is yours now.

If you want to dynamite it,

all we ask is that you let us
light the fuse.

Yeah, we hate this place.

You just said you were proud of it.

- Oh, proud of its potential.
- Love its potential.

This will be your office.

[Sobbing]

Why?

Okay, we'll check in on that later.

What's the matter, guys?

Can't wait
until Greendale's corpse is cold

before you put it
on a 6-inch white bun?

Young lady, that's not fair.

Subway doesn't call its bread "buns,"

and we don't serve white.

We serve Italian, honey oat,
nine-grain wheat.

Great, thanks for making
my joke accurate.

Now it's hilarious.

Classes are over, kids.

We're helping the Dean pack.

This is still Greendale for two hours.

Enjoy it.

Wait.

You don't call your bread "buns."

What do you call them?

Bread.

Well, bread is a substance.

What do you call the units
of bread you use, "breads"?

[Sobbing]

- You okay?
- I just wish we had more time.

I could turn things around.
I swear.

Look, I got one of these label things.

It makes custom labels.

This was gonna help me
get organized.

Aw.

Where should we start?

Should we pack up these pictures?

They're not really mine.

They're Greendale history.

Here's our 1987 civil rights march.

This was when we started
offering Photoshop classes.

And that's Russell Borchert.

BOTH: "Borchert, Borchert,
loved computers"...

Yes, yes, "...more than
women's butts or hooters."

Very mature, you two.

[Chuckles]

Was there any truth to that legend?

The legend that
a Greendale computer professor

made love to a computer

and died
of the first computer virus?

Sure.

The truth is, Greendale had
a computer professor.

By the way, he was
a millionaire and a genius.

He has sex with one computer,
and that's his legacy?

So after all my work,
how will I be remembered?

The bald Dean with glasses, I guess.

Are you aware there's
an engraved plate on this frame

that says
"the truth is behind this picture"?

Of course I'm aware, Abed.
I'm not an idiot.

- [Gasps]
- Whoa, wait.

It meant literally?

What is it?

[Coughs]

[All gasp]

I understand you were teaching
Fundamentals of Law here.

Yeah.

Think you could make the transition
to teaching Sandwich Law?

It's essentially the same, I'm sure,

just a bit more focused.

Here.

That's a subway black card.

It entitles you
to $5 footlongs for life.

For life, Mr. Winger, for life.

[Soft music]

- Hey.
- Hey.

So... What are you going to do?

I'm thinking I'm gonna
transfer to City College,

but I'm knowing
I'm gonna be a bartender.

- [Chuckles]
- You?

Subway offered me a job.

Nice.

I'm worried about Abed and Annie.
They're not ready for this to end.

Yeah, they're part
of the adulthood-begins-at-30 generation.

I'm... I'm actually looking forward
to a little bit of...

- Sanity?
- Yes, sanity.

Yeah, I mean, it's over,
but on the other hand,

it's over.

Amen.

And to think this all started
because you wanted to...

Nail you.
[Chuckles]

Yeah, I regret nothing.

Don't.

I mean, after everything
that has happened here,

what did either of us really
get done aside from each other?

Exactly, and what are either
of us gonna be leaving with?

Um, I should go clean out my locker,

she said at the age of 33.

Let's get married.

- What?
- Yeah, right?

I mean,
this is what matters, isn't it?

This is what keeps this all
from being pointless.

Let's do what people do.

Let's get a house we can't afford
and a dog that makes us angry.

And dedicate an entire cabinet
to grocery bags

and realize we have
a favorite brand of olive oil?

Yes, marry me.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah... uh, yeah, this feels right.

Let's get out of here
and never look back.

Yeah, but first, let's lock these doors
and pull these shades.

We've never had sex
on the new table.

Yes, two for two.

Medium roughness, high tempo?

Let's make it a number eight.

- Buried treasure!
- Whoo!

Buried treasure!

Lock the doors. Close the blinds.

We could save Greendale, Jeff.

There may be treasure on campus.

Hidden, buried treasure.

Treasure!

We need to call an emergency meeting

somewhere safe where no one
can hear or see,

because we have to keep this a secret,

because it's a buried...

BOTH:
Treasure!

Buried treasure!

Interesting.

Emergency meeting.

[Cackling]

And that's how I ended up
at Greendale.

Isn't it strange how it took
this school shutting down

for you and I to finally
get to know each other?

So what's up next for you?

Don't know, maybe go stay
with family in Lincolnshire.

- Lincolnshire?
- Yeah.

Where in Lincolnshire?

Just a little town called Scunthorpe.

Scunthorpe?
I was stationed around Scunthorpe.

- No.
- Oh, wait, wait.

[Laughter]

I love that.

Oh, where in God's name
did you learn that song?

Stainsbury Pub.

My family practically lived
in Stainsbury's.

I lost my virginity at Stainsbury's.

My mother was a Stainsbury whore.

[Laughs]

Mine was missing a thumb.

Oh, my God.

[Laughs]

Two thumbs, yeah, she got both.
Two thumbs.

I mean,
you may have slept with my aunt,

but given the circumstances, cheers.

- Cheers, yeah.
- Yeah.

Mm, so you're gonna stay
with your family

till you get your bearings?

I've got a cousin, Clive,
who's got a spare room.

You and he would really
get along, actually.

- Really?
- Yeah.

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