All language subtitles for Community s05e01 Repilot.eng

I am the system.

I consume humanity.

There is no escape.

Objection!

Are you a good person

being sued, oppressed,
or beaten?

I can help,

and that's the Winger guarantee.

Call 555-her...

Maybe you should've spent
less money on special effect.

Huh, thanks a lot,
Francis Ford repo man.

[Morose piano music]

Ohh, Jeff Winger!

Relax, tango.
I come in peace.

Way I see it, I screwed you.

I got screwed back.

Now we can bygone the bygones,

because I got a juicy new client
and a bone to throw you.

You hear about that bridge
that collapsed upstate?

A human could've said that
without salivating.

I represent Marvin Humphries,
the engineer who designed it.

He wants to seek damages.

From what? His own pencil?

From the only school reckless enough
to give him a degree in engineering.

City-funded school,

deep government pockets.

Maybe you've heard of it.

Greendale Community College.

Weird choice, by the way,
the bachelor's degree on the wall.

So you're gonna sue my old school
and you're bothering to tell me?

You have access there.

I need Marvin's records to prove
that he was irresponsibly educated.

Well, why don't you
just subpoena?

Right, so they can have
a shredding party.

See, that's the difference
between you and Greendale, Alan.

They wouldn't shred evidence.

It's a good place for good people.

It's a diploma mill.

It turns idiots
into bridge-collapsers

and Jeff Winger into an attorney

that thought
he could help people?

Jeff, I once saw you convince
an arson victim

that he liked
his house better burned.

[Chuckles]

God, look what that school
did to you.

It took all your money.
It took four years of your life.

And worst of all,

it took your Winger moves.

I still got my Winger moves.

Prove it.
Get me Humphries' records.

Because the next bone
you get thrown

might be through a dude's zipper
in the warehouse district,

and I can't guarantee you
it'll be from me.

Look, I might be broke,
desperate, and nearly homeless,

but I still got one thing
deep down inside

that gives me power...
That was it.

That was all I had.

Welcome back, human beings.

Dean Pelton here, wishing you
another magic year at Greendale,

ranked America's number two
community college

by GreendaleCommunityCollege.Com.

Regarding the recent tragedy
surrounding a certain collapsed bridge,

we will be observing
a moment of silence on the quad

followed by four years
of silence to the press.

I told you you'd be back.

Shut up, Leonard.
I'm not here.

I'm just a figment
of your creeping dementia.

[Blows raspberry]

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Hi.

How would I go about
getting records

for certain alumni?

Why would you think a stranger

could just walk in here
and do that?

- You're, uh, Rita.
- Rhonda.

I've always regretted
not telling you

how much you remind me
of my aunt.

It's more disarming
than it sounds.

I have a very attractive aunt.

Rhonda, why are you wearing
Jeff Winger's...

[Gasps]

Jeffrey.

Are you, uh, looking
for your friends?

They don't go here anymore.

Maybe you're looking
for something

that was in front of you
the whole time just a pitch.

He's asking for records

for a certain alumni.

In the midst of all this
Marvin Humphries business,

I doubt this is a coincidence.

You're here to save me,
aren't you?

- Yes.
- Oh.

I thought I might contact alumni

to form a committee...

The Save Greendale Committee.

- Working title.
- Jeffrey, I'm gonna cry.

- Please don't.
- Request denied.

Mmm.

Rhonda will let you
in the records room.

It's actually your old study room.

After you and your friends left,

it was closed
for sentimental reasons.

And asbestos reasons,
but it's clean as a whistle now.

[Sighs]

"Harassment Reports,"
"Hazardous Waste Citations,"

"Herpes Comma Water Fountains."

Come on. Where's Humphries?

I see your value now.

- Abed, why?
- "I see your value now."

It's a callback
to when we met first season.

And me calling years "seasons"
is a callback

to my first season dialogue,
and me calling...

Abed, I know what makes you
off-putting, but why are you here?

The Dean called me about
the Save Greendale Committee.

- Can I join?
- Well, I...

- Oh, no. Who else did he call?
- Just me. I called everyone else.

[Excited squealing and cheering]

Jeffrey!

Jeff!

[All squealing]

- Is that cool?
- It's the coolest.

Jeff, if you wanted
to save Greendale,

why didn't you call us first?

Well, you guys just got sprung
from this joint,

and I figured you had careers
to get started.

- Yeah, working hard.
- Ah, yes.

[All talking over each other]

[Conversation peters out]

What have they done to our home?

The table's buried.

[Britta and Annie whine]

[Grunting]
I got it.

This is where
we became a family.

[Chuckles]
Jeff made us a family.

Hmm.

We could repilot it.

This could be like
Scrubs season nine,

a revamp, a do-over.

Jeff could come back
to Greendale as a teacher.

I'm not gonna be a teacher, Abed.
That's lame.

Come on.

Sit in your chair.
Complete the table.

We want to help you
save Greendale.

ALL:
Yeah!

Greendale! Greendale!
Greendale!

I got to go to the bathroom.

Mm, give him space.
Repiloting can be intense.

New people show up.

Regulars shift roles
or even fall away.

Season nine of Scrubs, Zach Braff
was only in the first six episodes.

That son of a bitch.

After everything scrubs did for him?

I'm sorry.

[Knocking at door]

Vision boarding.

Okay, vision boarding!
Oh, hi, Jeffrey.

Dean, I have to warn you
about something,

because it's the right thing to do.

But first, why is there
a big empty box on your desk

that says "Humphries" on it?

Okay, the press has been
calling about Humphries,

and I didn't want any details
about his enrollment here

to be spun against us,

so now there are no details.

Oh, ooh.
That was his thesis.

[Legos clatter]

Okay! So sue me!

This ain't Harvard, Jeffrey.

Okay, my job is

to give a certain number
of degrees per year,

or we could get shut down.

And that would be bad because...

Ah, because then I wouldn't
have a job.

And, you know, Greendale
is a good place for good people.

That whole spiel, huh?

Yeah.

That whole spiel.

[Grumbles]

[Line ringing]

Wingblade.
Shock me by impressing me.

- He shredded Humphries.
- What?

I told you!
How could you let this happen?

Sir, I have to ask you
to leave the concierge desk.

[Groans]

Jeff, this case was all I had.

I am screwed!

My wife left.
My girlfriend dumped me.

And they're sisters, so now
the whole family's pissed.

Shut up. Bring me all the paperwork
for filing a class action.

Letters of intent, engagement,
everything. Multiple copies.

Winger, you just lost our client!

Yeah.
But I can create five new ones.

It's so dusty.
Let's get this off the table.

And that's the Winger guarantee.

Okay, maybe we should bring
strong fundraising ideas...

- That aren't bake sales...
- Hey.

Or opening a zoo
where the humans are in cages

and the animals come to visit.

- G'oh!
- [Groans]

Are you okay, Jeff?
You left kind of freaked out.

Well...

I can't stop thinking
this school might be in trouble

because of
this bridge-collapsing guy.

He's the one making bad bridges.

That's like me blaming owls for
how much I suck at analogies.

Sometimes a student
will claim, in court,

that their school ruined their life,

and they'll win.

You want to save Greendale?

- Make it litigation-proof.
- How?

Think like the enemy.

How did Greendale damage you,
Annie?

It didn't.
I love hospital administration.

- Is that your job?
- Well...not yet.

But I administer things to hospitals,

like these.

Pen?

"Futurza"?

They're a rising star
in pharmaceuticals.

They invented fibromyalgia

and the cure for fibromyalgia.

You push drugs now?
That's ironic.

I push pens, Britta.

Speaking of irony,
how's the therapy market?

- Depressed?
- I'm on sabbatical.

You're jewish?

I'm doing hands-on research
about the psychology of alcoholism.

You're a bartender, aren't you?

Which is basically like
a modern-day therapist.

If somebody tells me
about a murder,

I can't tell anyone.

Wow, you're even bad
at bartending.

What about you?

Abed's working on the next
billion-dollar social media app.

And when it takes off,
all I got to do is sue him.

It's fool-proof.

You're programming now, Abed?

Didn't get any work
with your four-year film degree?

One job, directing a commercial.

- Still haven't been paid.
- I'll cut you a check tomorrow,

but just so we're clear, you quit.

Creative differences.

I asked you to put
the phone number on the screen.

I didn't like the number.
555? It's derivative.

It's the number of my business.

It sounds fake.
How can every number start with 555?

Are there only 10,000 numbers?

Abed, you quit?

You said you got fired.

You haven't paid the rent
of our apartment in two months.

Well, why don't you sell him a pill
that will help him give up on his dreams?

Relaxabrex doesn't make you
give up on your dreams.

That's a side effect.

At least the drugs I sell
don't get slurped

out of my belly button.

That's only on Tummy Tuesdays!

- Oh, it's okay...
- Oh, I'm sorry...

Andre left again.

It's... It's not like last time.

He's staying with family.

He took the boys.
He took the dog.

He took the D.V.R.

166 episodes of Bones just gone.

It was my fault this time.

I cheated on him

with Shirley's Sandwiches.

I threw the money into expanding.
I just didn't think I could fail.

Okay.

Well, just so you know,

this is the sort of stuff
that someone could use

to make a claim against a school.

[Cell phone chimes]

I have to go
to the bathroom again.

While I'm gone,

I want you to think about
what I said

as an exercise.

Do you guys feel weird
about doing this without...

Magnitude?

That's everything you asked for.

Who are you flipping?

My friends,

who are now
the Save Greendale Committee,

which I created.

Ohh.

Classic Winger.

I forgot what it was like
to be good at being bad.

So just close the deal
and bring it home to daddy, eh?

Oh, sorry, Alan.
Change of daddies.

I'll take it from here.

No, no, but it's my case.

Humphries was your case.

Jeff...

- You're scaring me.
- Good.

Guys like you should be more scared.

You trust-funded, body-sprayed,
Eli-Roth-DVD owner...

You're an amateur monster, Alan,

and you stomp in the grave
of a real monster

who was willing to stay buried

because real monsters have shame,

because they wish that...

You're not worth the monologue.

- Give me your tie.
- What?

No monologue for you.
Give me your tie.

That's for making me go
to this school.

That's for making
the last four years happen.

And now I get to make
them un-happen

for me and the only people
I care about.

[Whimpering]

I failed my husband.
I failed my kids.

I've failed Bones.

I'm helping to hook a whole new batch
of little Annies on Adderall.

I've been spending
so much time with computers,

your tears are just ones
and zeroes to me.

Yeah, you were
a real Hallmark card before.

I'm much sadder
than the rest of you.

[Sniffling]

I will figure out why later.

Jeff, full disclosure...

Our lives are worse than the day
we got here.

Well, that is
a serious allegation

to arrive at all by yourselves.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

And we've come to a decision
as a group,

and please don't judge us
for suggesting it.

Hey, I'll back you up
no matter what.

We decided to re-enroll
at Greendale.

What? Are you nuts?

[All chanting]
Greendale! Greendale!

Greendale! Greendale!

You guys want to keep it down?

[All scream]

- Chang?
- Kevin?

Chang.
I've dropped the amnesia thing,

copped to my crimes,
and went to jail.

Now I'm on work release.

- Working as what?
- Math teacher.

Next, explain the pajamas.

Well, I'm on work release
from house arrest,

but I don't have a home.

See this?

This won't let me travel
100 yards from this,

and this only has
a 30-yard cord,

so I can only travel...

Whatever. You do the math.

- You said you teach math.
- Exactly. I teach it. You do it.

Chang was faking his Changnesia?

They seriously rehired a teacher

they fired for trying
to burn down the school?

After being rehired as a security guard

after being fired
for impersonating a teacher.

That's insane, and I'm Abed.

Worse than insane.
Irresponsible.

- Evil.
- I don't believe in evil.

But this school clearly got
a finger up its butt as a child.

This place ruins lives.

If that were true,

then what could we possibly do
about it?

[Slow clapping]

[Groans]

Make 'em dance, Winger.

Ew, Jeff, what's your evil
old legal Nemesis doing here?

Nemesis?

No, we were partners again

until I lost my usefulness.

I may be evil,

but your friend here is
so much more dangerous.

Tell 'em how it took you
30 minutes

to make them think they wanted
to sue their own school.

[Gasps]

I did it.
[Chuckles]

Sorry.

Anyway, I'll leave you
to pick up these pieces.

I'm gonna go score some blow.

My dealer's a gym teacher here.

[Chuckles]

You were lying to us?

I never lied to you.

I showed you the right truth.

Britta, when we met,

you were an eclectic anarchist.

How did you become
the group's airhead?

Thank you?

And, Shirley, you've gone
from an independent divorcee

striking out on her own

to a bankrupt fry cook hoping
for a call from her husband.

Troy, your entire identity
has been consumed

by your relationship
with another man.

You found my Clive Owen Tumblr.

And what happened to Annie
the Unstoppable Go-getter?

Well, there was that gas leak
last year.

Oh, don't blame it all
on the gas leak year.

This was a four-year process.

We went in one end as real people

and out the other end
as mixed-up cartoons.

- Cool.
- Sure.

This coming from the guy
who's had

how many psychotic breaks
on campus?

Are we including the gas leak year?

You all came here
with a chance to be something,

and you all had that taken away
from you.

Get something back.

Seek damages.

Sign here.

But you're our hero.

I mean, in the commercial...

The commercial was a lie.

You staged a robot fight?

Yeah.

In real life, the robot wins.

Troy?

If Jeff didn't change,

then Jeff is right.

Case closed.

Let's make some money.

Okay, Jeff,

if this is what
you really want to do.

I'll sign.

The choice to make is yours.

No, it's yours.

We're putting Greendale
in your hands.

Do we all have to say something?

- No, you can just sign it.
- Okay.

- You brought us together.
- With lies.

But what you do is
above lying, remember?

You show us the right truth.

You won't regret this.

[All cheer halfheartedly]

I'd like to take the study
room table in back and burn it.

Burn it? Why?

The same reason

I never returned Time Bandits
to Blockbuster.

Nobody else deserves it.

Jesus!

Looks as if you've lost your way.

Pierce?

Continue on this path,

and you might miss
your last chance

to see the Pierce Hawthorne
Museum of Gender Sensitivity

and Sexual Potency
on the central quad.

The museum and this hologram
were donated in compliance

with a court order
I'm not allowed to discuss.

Let's just say some women
can't take a compliment.

Unbelievable.

What I am allowed
to discuss is Greendale,

and I'll say this...

Don't turn your back on it.

Take it from a man with
no legal right to be there.

You're in a special place.

A crappy place, sure,

but only because it gives
crappy people a chance

to sort themselves out.

Did I sound gay at the end?
Do you want to do another take?

Ahh!
Jeffrey, I'm not decent.

I know.

These are the signatures

of the five people
that are crazy enough

to care about this toilet.

And tonight,
I almost got them to sue it.

- Heed the warning!
- It's not easy being Dean, Jeffrey!

Then stop being the Dean!

It's my whole ideantity!

I mean, wah, see what I did there?
That's proof!

Get your crap together.

Your job is not to hand out degrees.

Your job is to make this
a toilet

that people don't have
to be crazy to care about.

But you could stay here
and help me save the school.

For how much money?

I-I can't offer you any money.

I could offer you a job.

You just described slavery.

I mean, there's nothing
in the budget for school saver,

but I could hire you as...

[Sighs]
Screw you, Abed.

I'd be depressed right now
if these samples from work

weren't giving me
a new outlook on life.

If you're interested
in learning more,

ask your doctor if Joyvatrex
is right for you.

Oh, honey.

If we sue Greendale,
can I be a surprise witness?

Wait. Don't tell me.

Stop!

We shouldn't sue the school.

- Ohh.
- Come on!

Are you trying to give us
emotional whiplash?

Look, if you feel there's more
work to be done on yourselves,

then as crappy as this place is,

it's a place that you can do it.

You got a job teaching here,
didn't you?

I don't want to talk about it.

Well, then, I'm getting back
into forensic science.

That was my actual dream.
It's my fault I bailed on it.

A film degree
doesn't make me a filmmaker.

I need to learn how to work
with other people.

- I need to figure out who I am.
- I'll help you.

Get out of my brain.

I need to learn how
to really run a business

by my own standards,
not Greendale's.

I'm gonna get
a four-year psych degree,

then a master's,

and become a real psychologist.

Or you could find another major.

A real psychologist.

- How about English?
- Psychology.

All right, what's important is,

no matter what,

we'll be trying to talk Britta
into doing something different

together.

[Chuckles]
Burn, hopelessness.

[All scream]

- We got this.
- Oh, my God, be careful!

[Both yelling]

Little victories count
for a lot around here...

Wow, this is good.

Even if you never asked
to win in the first place.

And you have to enjoy those
nice moments while you can.

See, he does a voice-over wrap-up
at the end of every episode.

- Wow.
- Cool.

Because around here,
they never last very long.

__

Once more. More teachery.

I want to kill myself.

Use that.

Are you a good person?

Yes, unlike you.

I can...guarantee.
The Winger...beaten...you.

Not anymore.

[Dramatic rock music]

[Lasers whooshing]

[Farts]

[Laughs]

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