All language subtitles for Better Off Ted s02e13 Dog.eng

English text
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The Board of Directors has a meeting
this week and upper management

wants to present a new idea on
how to increase productivity.

Something impressive,
that will razzle-dazzle them.

Should I get to work
on a musical number?

- If your profits...
- And curtain.

When the Board's in town, the company
always tries to find ways

to get people to work harder.

They've tried stimulating them
with an idea

they got from a Japanese game show.

Sorry.

- He's coming.
- Quick, let's go light the candles.

They even tried pumping
extra oxygen into the building

So what's in the fun bag this time?

One of the executives takes his daughters
to a game arcade and when they win,

they get tickets which they trade in
for prizes.

Even though the prizes are worthless,
the little girls

work themselves into a psychotic
frenzy trying to win them.

So we're replacing our department
with psychotic little girls?

That was discussed, but instead we're going to
reward hard work by giving people tickets.

For worthless prizes.

You have an impressive handle on this.

That must be why they picked you

to run the program for our department.

Congratulations.

Oh, no, Ritchie in nanoscience

wrote a message in
our petri dishes again.

Damn him and his super-duper
teeny tiny nano-pen.

What does it say?

I rub (see next petri dish)

my dude-berries on your ...

On our what?

Lunchboxes, Doorknobs, the back
of our knees? Let me see!

Microscope eyepiece.

My Eyes!

Hey, what's up junk-lovers?

Your eyes enjoying my mangerines?

- What is it about us that invites ridicule?
- I don't know.

We invent neat stuff. We're delightful.
And yet no one respects us.

Not even that cafeteria lady with
that hideous tongue birthmark

that looks like a smaller
and more hideous tongue.

You know, we need to find a way to get
Ritchie and everyone else to respect us.

To show them that we're a quasi-awesome
force of nature.

Like a tornado. But one that stays
out of town so no one gets hurt.

And I'm the idiot, that has to evaluate
everyone's work and hand out prize tickets.

Once again, I regret not double-majoring
in Business and Carnywork

like my conjoined-twin stockbrokers.

Have some pudding.

Mmm. Better. My mom always says there's
nothing in the world pudding can't cure

except for my dad's obesity,
which it's made exponentially worse.

You've got a little in your hair.

Are we interrupting something?

Ah, no. Linda had pudding in her hair.

We help each other out.

Yesterday Ted had a turkey
dinner in his head.

So, is it true? We're gonna get awesome
Veridian merchandise if we work hard?

Yeah. Let's go with awesome.

And I have the awarding tickets.

I'm gonna save up for
missile launcher.

I have a problem with crows
in my yard.

Actually, the gifts are more like
a sweatshirt or a cd player.

Maybe a crow feeder for Linda's lawn.

And with a sign that says:
"Crows, go get other crows".

But crows are impervious to sarcasm.

Do you have a sign that says:
"Stay away, crows"?

We do. We have one.
But it was painted by Picasso,

so it costs a million tickets.

You guys think you're so cool with your
inside jokes.We've got inside jokes, too.

Hey, Susan. Remember the green hat?

- No.
- Damn you, Susan.

- Hey, check it out. I got 30 tickets.
- I only got 20.

I got 23. Sorry, Sheila, but I did.

I wonder why Linda got so many more
tickets than us. I wonder why.

What are you saying, Sheila?
What are you saying?

I'm saying you're sleeping with Ted.

What? I'm not sleeping with Ted. And if I
were, this envelope would be much bigger.

Takes more than 30 tickets
to ride this roller coaster.

Hey-o! The boss is in the house,
everybody put your pants back on.

- Zing, bang, Sir.
- Yes, I know.

So, with the board meeting this week,
our former C.E.O Arthur Wells is in town.

Arthur Wells? That man is a legend.

Wasn't he behind the Veridian acquiring
ownership of the african country of Tchad?

And then re-naming it after
his nephew Chad?

In his day, he was a genius, but now
he is an old horrible pain in the ass.

Really, I can't say enough bad
things about him.

We can't have Arthur wandering around
the building, stirring up troubles.

So, I want you to babysit him
while he's here.

Stick with him, don't let
him out of your sight.

Gee, chet, I'm flattered you would
come to me with this

- but my plate is so full this week.
- Oh, I don't care about that.

You must be Arthur Wells.
I recognize you from the effigies they burn of you in Tchad

Ah, found it, i'm taking your swipecard, and ...

I also need your help.

I don't know,
I need to hear exactly what you want

before I can tell you to go to hell.

The board of directors are going to try to vote me out this week

but i've got an insurance policy
that's gonna keep that from happening.

This is a receipt from the airport bar for 7 scotches.

Drinking keeps me warm and approchable.

Oh here. It's a map.
My mentor who ran this place before me

left it to me in his will.

It leads to papers he hid years ago in this building

papers that contain secrets

that could bring this whole company down

And while we're searching for "Curly's Gold"

we could look around for where you lost your mind

No the papers are here.

Since i left this building has been
redesigned more times than my wifes face

so i need your help find my way around

Ah, now I can say it.
Go to hell.

I could wander around by myself.
Who knows what kind of mischief

crazy old man like me could get in to.
Have you forgotten the lessons of Mr. Magoo

I wish you were a cartoon.
Then i could say Yabadabadoo

and that creature from E.T. would attack you.

I didn't watch a lot of cartoons.

So, here is something kinda interesting

People in the office thinks
your dunkin' your donunt in my coffee.

What? That's crazy.
Plus why am i the donut?

I don't know. But apparently i'm the hot cup of sex,

you dip your strange circular stuff in.

Why would people
think we're having sex?

You touched my hair.

- But this is horrible.
- Horrible?

You're saying that the idea of sleeping
with me is horrible?

- No, I'm not saying you're repulsive.
- Where did repulsive come from?

All I'm saying is that if people
think I'm sleeping with you

that undermines my credibility
as an executive

So I'm bad for your precious career?

This is the Frosty Scoop all over again,

and you're Derek Spooner,
the night manager

you mullet wearing
moonwalking bastard.

At the risk of taking Derek Spooner's
side, your affair with him

probably took his career a few sliding
step backwards.

While appearing to move forward.

Actually, I was the best thing that
ever happened to Derek Spooner

until he frozed to death in the
cooler while he was getting high.

I am a boss and I need people to
think that I'm imparcial.

Maybe we should just stay away
from each other for a while.

Let the whole sex thing die out.

Worked for my parents.

Fine. Let's just stay away
from each other, Ted.

Right now I'm thinking that
won't be a problem.

Turns out, people really like
getting useless stuff

and so the ticket system
caught on immediately.

Okay, you know how were looking to get a little respect?

What if we got that marionet and put on an awsome kick-ass puppetshow.?

With one marionet?

Okay, how about this:
Hal Holbrook as Mark Twain?

You mean we dress up the marione as
Hal Holbrook doing Mark Twain?

No, the marionet is not in it anymore.

We get Hal Holbrook to come to Veridian,
and do Mark Twain.

Still not seeing it.

Okay, what if we stage a fight,
where we beat up Hal Halbrook?

As Mark Twain?

No, Mark Twain's not in it any more.

- I don't know.
- Yeah, maybe there's nothing there.

Hey, what if we get these
Veridian-Dynamics beltbuckles?

They'd earn us some respect.
Feel like having a Rolex holding up your pants.

They cost 200 tickets.

Ted only gave us 20 for our presentation on planetary resources

even though we talked for 10 minutes about
mining Uranus without giggling.

I know. You can't find Hydrocarbons on a gasplanet.

So now i'm stuck leading this living liverspot around the building

trying to read this indecipherable booze soaked map, and...

- Are you petting me?
- I'm moving your hair out of your eyes.

Something i do for everybody.

My hair is in a bun, it can't get in my eyes

unless you scalp me and throw
the whole works back in my face.

People think i'm having an affair with Linda,
because i groomed her in public.

I'd judge you, but i'm on a treasurehunt.

Oh, he's out of the bathromm and on the move.

Here i go, making good use of my Stanford education.

Ted, I traded my tickets
for this sweatshirt

but it's too tight.

i have a bit of a bosom, i have to be careful.

- So take it back, Lonnie.
- They said no exchanges.

Your the swag master Ted, help me.

Well, i'd like to, but that would be special treatment,
and i don't give special treatment to anybody.

I see where this is going Ted
and i'm not giving you a firm no.

I will take that as a firm no.

This ticket thing is circling the drain.

See, this is the kind of craziness i would normally talk to Linda about.

Sorry, Spooner, didn't see you there.

She's mad at me.
But I'm doing the right thing.

She'll get over it. Right?

I saw Ritchie at the swag station

looking at our Veridian-Dynamics beltbuckles.

- What if he gets one first?
- What are we gonna do?

We still need 180 tickets.

Actually we need 190.

I spend 10 on hilbilly teeth.

You what?

Oh, how can I be mad at you?

If only there was a way to
get more tickets now,

so we could be the first one
to get those buckles.

What if we printed out
a bunch of fake tickets?

Then, when we earn the real ones,
we tear those ones up.

It would be like
giving ourselves a loan.

And borrowing against the future
is what built this country.

It's true, Phil. That's what
made our economy the envy of the world.

Here are 400 tickets. You can
counterfeit them. It's easy.

I mean you can count them, it's easy.
It's not easy to counterfeit them,

it takes hours. I mean it would have,
if we did.

Which we did.. not do.

Hi. These ticket are real and
we'd like two belt buckles.

Wow. I'm so impressed.
You guys have so many tickets.

I don't even have enough
to get this Baby T.

I bet she'd respect a couple fellas
who could give her some tickets.

Let's print more tickets.
Let's print them all.

If we go down any deeper in this building,

we'll come up in the basement of our Hong-Kong office.

Dear god, you've said that joke six times.

This is our last sub-basement.

If your make believe treasure is any place in this building, which it isn't,

we'll find it here, which we won't.

- It's hollow, there's something back here.
- Really? Let me see.

Oh my God, I found it.

I'm building you a car that runs on saltwater,
and all i get is a lousy 15 tickets.

Jimmy, all you've shown me is a toycar,
a cup of saltwtaer

and som transparently desperate confidence.

- It will work.
- Yeah, that.

Hey Ted, this yo-yo doesn't glow,
what kind of crap are you trying to pull.

It has to be dark, Lonnie.

This ticket thing is out of control.
Lonnie is mad because he's yo-yo doesn't glow in the light.

and Patricia is mad, because se expected her seamonkeys

to be reading a newspaper and riding a bike.

But the whole thing is just murky water.

What are you doing?
You're not supposed to be talking to me.

People will think you love
the hideous girl.

I did not call you hideous,
I called you repulsive.

And I didn't call you repulsive either.

Besides nobody's watching. We can talk.

Sorry Ted, you lost the right to talk to me,
when you decided,

you care more about what the people in the office think,
than you do about our friendship.

I care about our friendship, i care...
There's is that tea i've been looking for

Mmm, herbal.
Does that look mean you want tea?

Look Linda, i really missed talking to you.

Poor Ted. Why don't you smoke that tea, climb into the freezer

and pull a full on spooner.

Check it out.

- Bam
- Pull

- Bam.
- Yee-how.

Hold the elevator.

Thanks for your help, buddy.

Thanks for the tickets.
You guys rock.

- How are you feeling, my friend?
- Feeling huge.

- Respect, baby.
- That's all I'm saying.

There are documents in here.
Okay, here's what's gonna happen:

First I'm gonna apologize
for calling you crazy.

Second, I'm gonna turn these damaging
company secrets over to my boss,

So I'll be a hero for
saving the company.

And third, if you're nice, I'll help
you find your way out of the basement.

If I may respond...

so i know how to use this
and i made my own end table.

- You're stuck, princess.
- Feliz Navadad, buttmunch.

- Sawing is hard.
- So is holding up wood.

Alright, new idea.

- Okay, what if we break up?
- What are you talking about?

We'll spread a rumor that we broke up.

and when our pretend relationship is over,
we can be friends again.

That's a great idea.

In fact, it such a great idea, why
wait for a rumor to spread?

- You no-good louse.
- Oh, dear.

That's right Crisp, I'm breaking up
with you, right here and right now.

- Okay, then it's over. Bye.
- You wanna know why?

- Actually, I said bye, not why.

Okay, I'll tell you why.
Because you're selfish.

Everything is about your career,
your job, your hair.

Then, after you've neglect me,
you realise how spectacular I am

and you tried to make
it up with gifts.

- Oh, the gifts.
- Gee, I sound like a monster.

The jewellery, flowers, clothes, cattle.
Cattle?

- Yes, cattle. What were you thinking.
- They looked smaller in the catlouge?

Well, they were huge.
And you and I are through.

Poor Ted. Poor, sad Ted.
Here's 100 tickets.

- Buy yourself a little pick-me up.
- Where did you get this tickets.

Your work sucks.

My name is Mark Twain and
I am made of wood.

I want to be a real boy.

Let me know when you're open to
some constructive criticism.

I need 10 tickets.
I'll pay for them with this pie.

- You come in here and talk to us like this? - I thought you liked pie.

We do like pie, Ritchie.
You know what else we like?

Respect. We're not selling tickets.

- Now, if you come to us as a friend...
- then tickets will rain down on you.

Then may I give you this pie
as a friend?

- I love this guy.
- Nice.

Hey, Ted. Wow. Look at all these tickets
We think Ritchie is counterfeiting them.

Screw you, guys.

Can you believe what that guy did?

- It was us.
- All us.

I'm taking away your puppet. Because
I want you to think about what you did.

- Not the puppet, Ted.
- Yes, the puppet.

This has to hurt or you'll never learn.

He did you a favour.
That show is going nowhere.

When did you say your mentor hid these?

He was really sitting on something
back then.

Smoking causes cancer?

What else they've got in there?
Eve eats the apple?

These documents are useless, Arthur.

And now I've got nothing to keep
the board from voting me out.

You know the hardest thing:
I still get ideas.

Well, maybe you could
work somewhere else.

I see a lot of older people mall walking.

I don't know what that pays.

You give your whole life to a place,
and then when they are done with you

they just turn you out.

I hope they never do this to you.

I'm gonna kill the ticket-thing.
You care ?

- No.
- Really?

Because you seem to be taking
it kinda hard.

It's Arthur.
There really were secret documents,

but they turned out to be worthless.

So now they're gonna throw
him off the board.

- But I thought you hated him?
- I did.

And then he grabbed me by the ankles
and attacked me with a piece of wood

and everything changed.
He's given his life to this place, Ted

Just like I have.

Man, I kicked him hard in the balls.

Veronica, Ted. I just wanted to thank
you for keeping an eye on Arthur.

He's in the board room right now,
We're about to vote him out.

Actually, before you move on Arthur,
sir

you should know that he found
some documents

and if you vote him off the board he
will expose the company's worst secret.

That's right. I'm saying that.

Wait a minute. He found out about
the thing?

Yes. He knows all about the thing.

Oh, God. If he knows about the thing,
that means he knows about the other thing,

which would ruin the thing
we all live on.

Apparently so, Sir.
I think he even knows about the stuff.

That's okay, everybody knows about the stuff,
but the thing, that's gonna be a problem.

I guess Arthur stays.

That was nice, what you did.

Well, when the company decides
it's my time to go,

I just hope
somebody stands up for me.

Well don't worry, by then the stuff will probably have gotten all of us

Don't joke about the stuff, Ted.
It can tell and it doesn't like it.

- This place is scary.
- Really? I'm just getting comfortable with it.

Sorry i unloaded on you when we broke up.

Well, i had it coming.

I kinda freaked out when you said that

everyone thought we were sleeping together.

You kinda did.

For the record, if were in a real relationship,

i wouldn't care what anyone said about anything.

- What are you saying ?
- I'm saying what i'm saying.

That's not acceptable.
You have to actually say something.

I missed you.
And if we where in a relationship

i would want everyone to know.
I'd scream it from a mountaintop,

or whatever the straight equivalent of that is.

There is no straight equivalent for that.

And i missed you too.

Why didn't you tell us what V.D meant?

Why?

So, what do we think
of Ted and Linda kissing?

I'm for it.
I like when attractive people kiss.

Me too. I like when attractive people
do anything.

I was once knocked up my rollerskates
by a beautiful woman

driving a bus. It was very pleasant.

It's too bad Ted's making us
get rid of all these.

We're just gonna set these here
while we both go to the bathroom.

We just both have to go.
It happens.

Unless Ted is wrong about human nature,
in 5 minutes, so many tickets

so many tickets will flap this way,
the whole system will crash

Look at that. Disgusting.

Ecxept for those two attractive people.

Yes. That part is very pleasant.

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