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1
00:00:02,878 --> 00:00:04,128
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
2
00:00:04,296 --> 00:00:06,047
CHERYL:
Ugh, a rainy day and a Monday.
3
00:00:06,215 --> 00:00:08,925
Talk about a downer
double whammy, huh?
4
00:00:09,093 --> 00:00:10,426
[CHUCKLING]
5
00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:13,596
Do anything fun
this weekend?
6
00:00:14,098 --> 00:00:17,767
Because I sure did. Friday night was
Cornhole League, then on Saturday...
7
00:00:17,935 --> 00:00:20,520
If I cared about what you do
on the weekend...
8
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:24,190
...I'd stick a shotgun in my mouth
and pull the trigger with my toes.
9
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,692
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
10
00:00:28,570 --> 00:00:30,947
Saturday, I watched
a building burn down.
11
00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:32,699
CYRIL:
Morning, Ms. Archer.
12
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:36,369
It took all weekend, but I finally
got that payroll glitch sorted out.
13
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:40,456
I said by 5 on Friday.
Yeah, sorry, the computer was down...
14
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:45,128
...so over the weekend, I had to punch
all these cards by hand, and then...
15
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,631
Carefully put them in order.
16
00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:53,302
PAM: Careful, it's pretty delicate.
Wow, and this is all marzipan?
17
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:56,472
Except for the barn. That's just
graham crackers and icing.
18
00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:58,516
Your dad is gonna love it.
I hope so.
19
00:00:58,684 --> 00:01:02,228
It's probably not the best birthday present
for a diabetic, but...
20
00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:05,857
Pam, those quarterly reports
better be on my desk when I walk in there.
21
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:09,402
Are you walking in there
right now?
22
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:12,822
What did I tell you on Friday?
I was gonna come in this weekend...
23
00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:15,908
...but I had to finish this
so I could get it in the mail today.
24
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,118
Wrong answer.
25
00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:18,619
[PAM GASPS]
26
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:21,873
What the shit?
27
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,332
[SOBBING]
28
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:27,003
Hey, hey, now,
come on, honey, it's...
29
00:01:27,171 --> 00:01:31,007
It's just like when the farm flooded
in real life.
30
00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:34,177
Only tiny and sweet.
31
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:39,140
Idiots. Surrounded by nothing but...
What the hell is your problem?
32
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:42,018
Finding your replacement
if you don't watch your tone.
33
00:01:42,186 --> 00:01:44,979
My tone? Watch your tone.
Don't speak to me like I'm some...
34
00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:47,815
Some what? Balloon-breasted bimbo?
Hey.
35
00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:51,319
Always prancing around
in those clingy little whatever they are...
36
00:01:51,487 --> 00:01:54,614
...mini-sweater dresses
and your double-D push-up bras...
37
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:59,786
...so that all anyone can see for miles
around are your gigantic breasts.
38
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,954
[SOBBING]
39
00:02:02,498 --> 00:02:05,416
So you wanna tell me
what's going on?
40
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:07,668
No. I want you to get out.
41
00:02:07,836 --> 00:02:09,378
Malory.
I'm sorry, dear.
42
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:11,714
Hey.
I had a mammogram on Friday...
43
00:02:11,882 --> 00:02:13,549
...and they found something.
44
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:15,635
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
45
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,011
PAM:
So...
46
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:20,723
Is that why you're being such a bitch?
47
00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:01,556
You have to swear you won't
breathe a word of this to anyone.
48
00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:02,932
Totally, yes.
49
00:03:03,100 --> 00:03:06,227
Especially Sterling. If he found out
I might have breast cancer...
50
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:09,522
...he'd be devastated,
so this information cannot leave this...
51
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,399
Pam, what the hell?
52
00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:13,901
What? Nothing.
If you're texting about my...
53
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:18,281
I'm not, I swear. This is about...
Breast cancer? Oh, you poor thing.
54
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:19,448
Pam!
What?
55
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:23,911
What is wrong with you?
I can't help it, it's like a disease.
56
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,999
MALORY: Pam.
Do you not know what "disease" means?
57
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:30,084
Oh, sorry, I forgot you might have...
58
00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:32,044
Breast cancer?
Oh, for the love...
59
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,964
And would you get off? Breath?
60
00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:38,467
Malory, if there's anything we can do,
you just say the word.
61
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:41,095
My entire laboratory
is at your disposal.
62
00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,598
I'll let you know
if I need a hybrid pigboy.
63
00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:47,435
A what? That... What are you...?
I don't have one of those.
64
00:03:47,603 --> 00:03:49,604
[PIG SQUEALING
AND KRIEGER GRUNTING]
65
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,983
That'll do, Pigley.
66
00:03:54,318 --> 00:03:56,319
That'll do.
67
00:03:57,863 --> 00:04:00,239
Anymore. What are we talking about?
Nothing.
68
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:03,034
No one is to speak of this ever,
and especially not to...
69
00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,536
Sterling. Good morning, dear.
70
00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:08,331
Good morning.
What's the big non-me-telling secret?
71
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:09,540
What?
Is there one?
72
00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:10,833
At a spy agency?
73
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:14,545
There's no secret. We were just...
Mother, pardon me, sorry, one second.
74
00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:16,589
Pam.
No, you don't. Pam.
75
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,799
Pam. Pam. Pam.
Pam. Pam.
76
00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:22,053
Pam.
I'm okay, I'm okay. I'm good.
77
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:23,971
Ahh. I'm good.
78
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:25,765
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
79
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:27,850
Pam.
Your mom's got breast cancer.
80
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:29,101
She what?
Pam.
81
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,812
Nice work, Pam.
Damn her piggy little eyes.
82
00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,272
Aww, Pigley.
83
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,608
Mother? Is this...? Do you...?
84
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,193
[GROANS]
85
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:41,697
Good God. You'd think
he was half fainting goat.
86
00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:43,783
Aww, Goatley.
87
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:47,078
Well, actually, men can
develop breast cancer...
88
00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:50,039
...although it's extremely rare.
Yeah, and also hereditary.
89
00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:51,874
So thank you, Mother, for that.
90
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:56,212
There's a good chance your mother's
first mammogram was a false-positive.
91
00:04:56,380 --> 00:05:00,174
I'll know for sure after I get the results
of her diagnostic exam...
92
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:04,220
...but I've got a good feeling about her.
And the feeling is mutual, doctor.
93
00:05:04,388 --> 00:05:06,222
Hey, can you not? Right now?
94
00:05:06,390 --> 00:05:09,433
There are several other risk factors
for male breast cancer.
95
00:05:09,601 --> 00:05:13,020
Such as... Any history of alcoholism?
96
00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:16,232
You know, I mean, I drink socially, but...
MALORY: Ha!
97
00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:18,317
I didn't have breakfast.
98
00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:22,196
Any unusual exposure
to radiation?
99
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:23,572
Uh...
100
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,409
Wait, seriously don't open it?
GILLETTE [OVER RADIO]: Yes.
101
00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:30,079
Oh, I thought you were
being sarcastic.
102
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,248
[MUTTERING IN RUSSIAN]
103
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:33,666
ARCHER:
Looking for this?
104
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:38,170
Or perhaps the lead container
I probably should've left it in?
105
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:42,925
So wait. Wait, wait, wait,
there's good cholesterol?
106
00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:46,762
Mm, no.
Well, then a little dose won't hurt.
107
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,055
[DOOR OPENS]
108
00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:49,557
Doctor, I have Ms. Archer's results.
109
00:05:49,725 --> 00:05:51,267
[BOTH GASP]
110
00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:55,896
Well, if it isn't Chet Manley.
Yeah. And is... I wanna say Peggy?
111
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:59,442
Rita. And you said you'd call me.
Really? To both statements?
112
00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:02,778
If it's not too much trouble
I'd like to know if I have cancer.
113
00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:07,283
The first test was a false-positive.
You're totally fine.
114
00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:09,368
Oh, thank God.
Yeah, good.
115
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,412
Uh, hey, you wanna grab a drink later?
116
00:06:11,580 --> 00:06:12,747
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
117
00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:15,207
Peggy?
I can't believe it, it's such a relief.
118
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:17,084
I don't have
breast cancer.
119
00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:20,629
So guess we can skip all this, huh?
Well, we're here, machine's on...
120
00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:22,131
...may as well take a look.
121
00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:25,301
So if you could?
Oh, sorry.
122
00:06:25,469 --> 00:06:26,802
Wow.
"Wow" what?
123
00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,471
What is "wow"? What is that?
124
00:06:28,638 --> 00:06:30,306
SPELTS:
That's, um...
125
00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,767
Yup. That's breast cancer.
What?
126
00:06:32,934 --> 00:06:35,686
MALORY: What?
Yeah. So listen, uh...
127
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:38,105
Wanna grab a drink later?
128
00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:43,986
ARCHER:
Yup. Stage I I breast cancer.
129
00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:46,155
CHERYL: What?
LANA: Archer, no.
130
00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:49,158
Yeah, I mean, it's not as bad
as stage II I or IV...
131
00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:52,995
...but it's not, you know, obviously,
not as good as no cancer.
132
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:57,041
God, I should definitely get checked.
I am so bad about doing the self-exam.
133
00:06:57,209 --> 00:07:00,336
Hey, how about
we check each other?
134
00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:04,673
So, what's next? Do you do chemo or...?
Boop.
135
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:08,844
Lumpectomy. I go in for surgery next week
and they'll try to cut it all out.
136
00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:10,054
Oh!
Oh, God.
137
00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:13,849
If they can't get it or if it spreads
to my lymph nodes, they'll do chemo...
138
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:16,852
...but I'm trying to stay positive
because I can beat this.
139
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,813
That's a good attitude.
Totally.
140
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:23,192
Wow, you seem kind of different.
Yeah, did I mention I have cancer?
141
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:27,113
Not that, dick. Your whole outlook.
All this positivity and whatever.
142
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,074
Well, I have to be positive, Lana.
I gotta stay strong.
143
00:07:30,242 --> 00:07:31,867
So here, show some support.
144
00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,285
[ALL CHATTERING]
145
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,288
Here, Brett, take a ribbon, buddy.
What is this?
146
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,833
A pink ribbon. I have breast cancer.
Ha, ha!
147
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,376
Seriously? Breast cancer?
ARCHER: Yes.
148
00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:43,045
Sure it's not lady vagina cancer?
149
00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:44,797
Heh, heh. Uh...
BRETT: Huh?
150
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,048
Excuse me.
BRETT: Oh!
151
00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:47,591
ARCHER:
I'm trying to stay positive.
152
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:48,801
[ARCHER PUNCHING BRETT]
153
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,220
Both mentally and spiritually, Brett.
154
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:55,391
He certainly doesn't have cancer in his fist.
He is beating his ass.
155
00:07:55,559 --> 00:07:57,601
Now, if you will all excuse me again...
156
00:07:57,769 --> 00:08:01,897
...I'm going to spend some quality time
with those who are dear to me.
157
00:08:02,065 --> 00:08:03,399
Brett.
158
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:05,568
[BRETT SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
159
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:09,363
Yeah, hey,
it's got a safety pin.
160
00:08:09,531 --> 00:08:12,241
TRINETTE: What?
Breast cancer. And, yes, seriously.
161
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:15,578
And I don't know how it's gonna turn out,
so I wanted to, you know...
162
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,831
...spend some time
with the wee baby Seamus.
163
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:21,292
He's not even your real kid.
So?
164
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:22,585
So it's weird.
165
00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:25,921
So is me paying you child support,
but you keep cashing the checks.
166
00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:27,506
Hey.
I'm sorry.
167
00:08:27,674 --> 00:08:29,758
Come on, Trinette,
Seamus may not be my son...
168
00:08:29,926 --> 00:08:32,261
...but he's probably
as close as I'm gonna get.
169
00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,721
[TRINETTE SIGHS]
170
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:36,140
Where are you taking him?
I don't know.
171
00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:37,391
What's he into?
172
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,768
MALORY:
Oh, that is just classic him.
173
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:43,689
I mean, my God, I was the one who...
Was getting all the attention?
174
00:08:43,857 --> 00:08:46,317
Who thought I had breast cancer.
Shut up.
175
00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:49,862
And now he has it,
so it's all Sterling this and ribbons that.
176
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:54,867
Well, he does actually have cancer.
Well, he didn't get it from me.
177
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,619
It's contagious?
178
00:08:56,786 --> 00:08:58,287
TRINETTE:
What the shit?
179
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:01,290
I know.
I'm not normally a tattoo guy, but...
180
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,459
Not yours, shitbrain. His.
181
00:09:03,627 --> 00:09:04,627
[BABBLES]
182
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,713
It's like we've got each other's backs.
Heh-heh-heh.
183
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:10,966
Right?
You can't tattoo a freaking baby.
184
00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:14,261
That's what the tattoo guy said.
Had to slip him an extra 100 bucks.
185
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:17,806
How about I slip somebody 100 bucks
to throw acid in your face?
186
00:09:17,974 --> 00:09:19,600
Costs more than that, I bet.
You...
187
00:09:19,768 --> 00:09:21,310
To buy acid, Trinette.
188
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:22,478
Come on, Seamus.
189
00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:25,522
I hope your stupid cancer kills you.
Oh, yeah? Well, I hope...
190
00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:26,732
[DOOR SLAMS]
191
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,400
I hope it doesn't.
192
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:32,238
And to that end, Woodhouse,
macrobiotic food.
193
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,573
Find out what that is
and start cooking it.
194
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:36,992
Oh, and smoothies and, uh...
195
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:39,245
Why are you dressed
like a tout?
196
00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:41,497
My vacation starts today, sir.
197
00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:44,792
I'm riddled with cancer, Woodhouse,
and you wanna take a vacation?
198
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,628
No. But I asked for the time off
a year ago...
199
00:09:47,796 --> 00:09:51,340
...and Dicky and I have been
planning this trip ever since, and...
200
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:52,675
Who's Dicky?
My brother.
201
00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:54,093
What?
He's younger.
202
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,637
Obviously.
And we've always dreamed...
203
00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:59,181
...of someday going
to Las Vegas together.
204
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:03,769
So we saved up and got a lovely package,
and it's prepaid, you see, so...
205
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,438
Prepaid, huh?
Yes, sir.
206
00:10:07,899 --> 00:10:10,359
Did I mention I have cancer?
207
00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:12,194
[GROANS]
208
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:39,513
God, what a trip. Barely got back in time
for surgery. You should've been there.
209
00:10:39,681 --> 00:10:43,559
Yes. God knows
when I'll be able see Dicky again.
210
00:10:43,810 --> 00:10:46,562
Or where.
Yeah. Mexico's pretty big.
211
00:10:46,730 --> 00:10:48,230
And so is your heart,
Woodhouse.
212
00:10:48,398 --> 00:10:50,441
Sir?
That's probably the nicest thing...
213
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,985
...anyone's ever done for me.
Oh, well.
214
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:56,113
I'm serious.
You showed me how important family is.
215
00:10:56,281 --> 00:11:00,701
And you're kind of family, and I know I'm
not always as nice to you as I could be...
216
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,828
...so I'm gonna work on that, okay?
217
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,581
I... Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
218
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:06,999
Thank you.
219
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,209
Toilet's clogged.
220
00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:13,464
And so I wanted to say
I'm sorry, Pam...
221
00:11:13,631 --> 00:11:15,341
...if there were ever
any times...
222
00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:17,676
...when I was less than nice to you.
Heh.
223
00:11:17,844 --> 00:11:20,262
Well, **** your dolphin, Pam.
Archer, she's down.
224
00:11:20,430 --> 00:11:23,766
And I definitely could've
been nicer to you, Ca... Cheryl.
225
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:29,480
Yeah.
Here, take two.
226
00:11:29,647 --> 00:11:32,358
And, Brett! Where's that ribbon, buddy?
BRETT: Aah!
227
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,943
Gonna go put it on right now!
Then come see me.
228
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:37,905
I got some mid-range
Scotch for you, you nut.
229
00:11:38,073 --> 00:11:40,616
Oh, hey, where's Cyril?
CYRIL: Extradited?
230
00:11:40,784 --> 00:11:43,577
Ow. But I've never
even been to Las Vegas.
231
00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:46,789
Oh, you gotta go.
It's amazing, I hear.
232
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:48,916
But I've never been. Here.
233
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,418
What? He can't have booze,
he's going to jail.
234
00:11:51,586 --> 00:11:54,088
Come on. I have cancer.
Of the tits.
235
00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,422
I...
236
00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:58,133
Okay, give him the booze.
Jesus, I should get checked.
237
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:01,720
Hey, can somebody water my plants?
Yes.
238
00:12:01,888 --> 00:12:03,138
Heh. No.
239
00:12:03,306 --> 00:12:06,308
ARCHER: Mother, come on, they said
I could eat and drink till midnight.
240
00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:07,726
MALORY:
Alcohol?
241
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:12,272
The stuff they use to sterilize hospitals?
Pretty sure it's okay.
242
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:15,234
So here's to, uh, family,
I guess.
243
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:19,822
I'm sorry if I've been a bit selfish
about your breast cancer.
244
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:23,659
I'm sorry if I haven't always been,
uh, you know...
245
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:27,287
Whatever.
Well, you do the best you can.
246
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:29,665
Eh.
247
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,083
Are you scared?
248
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:35,504
I am, actually.
Me too. Sterling, I...
249
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:37,881
Well.
Yeah.
250
00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:40,008
Me too, Mother.
251
00:12:40,218 --> 00:12:42,302
It's kind of weird opening up
like this, huh?
252
00:12:42,470 --> 00:12:44,179
Yeah. Give me another belt.
253
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:45,681
[ARCHER SOBBING]
254
00:12:45,849 --> 00:12:47,349
There's so much
I still wanna do.
255
00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:50,102
Oh, now, you're gonna be fine.
256
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,855
Like, I've never been to Rome.
What? Yes, you have.
257
00:12:53,022 --> 00:12:54,481
For work, Mother.
258
00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:58,944
Sterling Malory Archer,
this surgery is going to work and you...
259
00:12:59,112 --> 00:13:01,947
Look at me.
You are going to beat cancer.
260
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,449
But what if I don't?
261
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,535
So how's this going?
Not great.
262
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,745
Lana. Lana, what if I don't?
263
00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:11,206
Um...
Can you take him home?
264
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:13,834
Can you not?
No.
265
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:18,005
If I don't get something to eat,
I'm literally going to die.
266
00:13:18,173 --> 00:13:19,715
I seriously might, though.
267
00:13:19,883 --> 00:13:21,091
You're gonna be fine.
268
00:13:21,259 --> 00:13:25,012
What if I'm not? What if I die,
and then have to live with the fact...
269
00:13:25,180 --> 00:13:27,556
...I was a dick to you like a jillion times?
270
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:30,559
Don't worry about it, just...
Lana, I'm in love with you.
271
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:34,730
You are also shitfaced.
I can be both.
272
00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:36,565
Archer...
I might die tomorrow...
273
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:39,151
...so I really don't think
I should be alone tonight.
274
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,905
Nope. Nope.
Lana. Did I mention I have cancer?
275
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:46,074
[SIGHS]
276
00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,618
Awesome.
277
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:49,119
[BURPS]
278
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,749
[ALARM BEEPING]
279
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,043
[ARCHER SNORING]
280
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:57,961
LANA:
Archer.
281
00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:00,923
Archer.
282
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:03,592
[ARCHER YELLS]
283
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,677
What? What the shit, Lana?
284
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:06,929
Wait, Lana?
Yeah.
285
00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:09,431
Why are you in my...? Oh, shit.
286
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:12,267
My cancer surgery.
Yeah.
287
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,353
So, uh, listen, about last night...
288
00:14:14,521 --> 00:14:17,731
Don't worry about it, just...
Wait, we should talk about...
289
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:20,943
Whatever's in this IV,
which I love.
290
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:24,947
We can talk after your surgery.
Right? Mm-hm.
291
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:27,533
Mm-hm.
Or never, probably, knowing you.
292
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:28,784
ARCHER:
Where's Mother?
293
00:14:28,952 --> 00:14:30,827
Sterling? Was that him?
294
00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:32,829
Yeah, where were you?
The cafeteria.
295
00:14:32,997 --> 00:14:34,331
Bear claws. Rowr.
296
00:14:34,499 --> 00:14:36,124
I've been here since 6.
Rowr.
297
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:40,504
He was four hours late to his own surgery.
Yeah. Kind of a late night.
298
00:14:40,672 --> 00:14:42,297
And speaking of...
299
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:45,634
I spent last night in the Tombs
getting worked over by the cops.
300
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,095
What?
Fun! Oh, you mean literally.
301
00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:51,723
Yeah. Until the Las Vegas police
faxed over this little gem.
302
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,892
[PAM LAUGHING]
303
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:56,770
Too soon?
304
00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:02,401
Oh, my God.
How much cancer was in him?
305
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:06,822
This is so boring and forever-taking.
306
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:10,450
Well, then, for the 50th time,
shut up and go back to the office.
307
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:13,495
No. I wanna be here, in case he...
Don't.
308
00:15:13,663 --> 00:15:15,247
Dies.
Why would you say that?
309
00:15:15,415 --> 00:15:17,499
Real numbnuts.
What? We're all thinking it.
310
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:18,709
No, we're not.
311
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:21,461
This surgery is going to be
a complete success...
312
00:15:21,629 --> 00:15:24,172
...and Sterling is going to be
completely cured.
313
00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:26,216
Hooray.
Oh, shut up.
314
00:15:26,384 --> 00:15:29,845
Although he has been a lot nicer
ever since he was diagnosed.
315
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,388
Oh, really?
316
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:33,557
[LAUGHING]
317
00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:35,183
[COUGHS]
318
00:15:35,351 --> 00:15:36,351
Still too soon.
319
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:38,812
Not too soon for good news,
I hope.
320
00:15:38,980 --> 00:15:41,648
Oh, and also some very bad news.
321
00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,025
[MALORY GASPS]
322
00:15:44,152 --> 00:15:45,319
What's the bad news?
323
00:15:45,486 --> 00:15:48,947
I have to take a rain check on that drink.
I'm on call this weekend.
324
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,532
What about Sterling?
SPELTS: Oh, right.
325
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,950
Ass.
That's the good news.
326
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:53,869
LANA: What are you, hourly?
Thanks to me...
327
00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,622
...the surgery was totally successful.
MALORY: God, thank you.
328
00:15:56,789 --> 00:15:58,165
And now Mr. Archer is...
329
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,876
Totally cancer-free!
330
00:16:01,044 --> 00:16:03,045
[ALL CHEERING]
331
00:16:03,338 --> 00:16:04,880
I beat cancer, everybody!
332
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:07,424
Oh, Sterling,
I knew you could do it.
333
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:10,719
Is that why you didn't even bother
to see me off to surgery?
334
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:11,970
You were
four hours late.
335
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:13,805
We grabbed a bear claw.
Rowr.
336
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:17,434
No, it's fine, Mother, whatever.
Hey, how you doing? I beat cancer.
337
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,770
Looks like he's back
to his old self.
338
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:21,730
Oh. Let's hope not.
339
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:24,775
ARCHER: Hello? There's this great
new thing called "coasters."
340
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:25,984
[SIGHS]
341
00:16:26,152 --> 00:16:27,361
Jeez, sorry.
342
00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:30,614
Don't apologize to me,
apologize to the Brazilian rosewood.
343
00:16:30,782 --> 00:16:31,823
[PHONE RINGING]
344
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,450
So, listen, about last night...
345
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:36,912
Lana, hey, I know you probably think
it was just because I was drunk...
346
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:38,789
Well, and scared.
Well, more drunk.
347
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:40,248
Super scared.
Not really.
348
00:16:40,416 --> 00:16:43,085
But the thing is...
Woodhouse, answer the damn phone.
349
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:47,089
WOODHOUSE: Archer residence.
So the thing is, Lana... Here's the thing...
350
00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:48,924
It's for you, sir.
Duh.
351
00:16:49,092 --> 00:16:50,133
One sec. Talk to me.
352
00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:53,261
SPELTS: Mr. Archer? Hi, it's Dr. Spelts.
Duh. Who?
353
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:55,806
Dr. Spelts?
Uh...
354
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:58,392
I did your cancer surgery
like two hours ago?
355
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,228
Oh, right, listen,
I'm kind of celebrating right now, so...
356
00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:04,606
You may want to hold off on that.
357
00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:06,191
What?
I should've waited...
358
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:09,111
...until your post-op results came in.
What?
359
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:12,572
But I could tell your mom was already
crushed about the rain-check thing...
360
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,116
So, what are you saying?
361
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:15,283
Archer?
Sterling?
362
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:19,705
What was I saying? Oh, yeah,
the cancer has spread to your lymph nodes.
363
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:23,625
What does that mean?
Well, it's not good, obviously, so...
364
00:17:23,793 --> 00:17:26,545
Sterling, what did he say?
The cancer...
365
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:30,090
...it spread to my lymph nodes.
366
00:17:30,258 --> 00:17:33,593
Holy shitsnacks.
What's cancer?
367
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:36,972
Yeah, so I guess this party
was a little premature, huh?
368
00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:39,725
Hey, now.
Sterling, there's radiation treatment...
369
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:41,768
...there's chemotherapy, there's...
Oh!
370
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:45,147
I think just those two things, but...
But you can still be cured.
371
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:49,776
This isn't, you know, um, good, but...
Excuse me.
372
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:53,155
That was the best you could do?
Shut up.
373
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:56,450
What did I expect?
Jesus, look at how I've treated all of you.
374
00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:59,035
Carol and Pam and Cyril.
375
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,788
Oh, my God, listen,
I'm gonna clear up this Vegas thing.
376
00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:05,333
Great. All you have to do is go down
to the police station and confess.
377
00:18:05,501 --> 00:18:08,754
Or something maybe else...
That's actually the only thing...
378
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,130
Woodhouse.
...that you can do.
379
00:18:10,298 --> 00:18:13,049
Woodhouse, salt of the earth,
who basically raised me.
380
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,259
[PHONE RINGING]
381
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,762
MALORY: Well...
And you helped, Mother. I know that.
382
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:20,140
And, Lana. Lana, I want you to know
that what I said last...
383
00:18:20,308 --> 00:18:22,517
Woodhouse, seriously,
a little help.
384
00:18:22,685 --> 00:18:24,352
Archer residence.
385
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,520
For you, sir.
386
00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:26,897
Was that so hard?
387
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,523
Lana, sorry, give me one second.
388
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:31,151
Because I really want you to hear
what I have to say.
389
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:34,029
Hello?
SPELTS: Mr. Archer. Hi, Dr. Spelts again.
390
00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:37,699
Yeah, listen, doctor, I'm kind of
making peace with my loved ones...
391
00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:41,036
...plus some other people, so...
You may want to hold off on that.
392
00:18:41,204 --> 00:18:43,455
What?
Because, boy, did I pull a boner...
393
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:45,707
...said the urologist. Ba-dum-bum.
394
00:18:45,875 --> 00:18:49,127
Anyhoo, turns out I mixed up
your chart with another patient's.
395
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:52,964
Wait, are you sure?
Of course I'm sure, I'm a doctor.
396
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:55,467
And I can say positively you are...
397
00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:59,429
Totally cancer-free! Again!
398
00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:00,722
[ALL CHEERING]
399
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:02,516
Suck it, cancer!
Hooray.
400
00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:04,976
Cyril, I don't wanna see you
with an empty glass.
401
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:08,271
Yeah. So about my Vegas problem...
Yes. The Vegas problem.
402
00:19:08,439 --> 00:19:12,442
I've been giving that a lot of thought.
I'm sure... Mother, feel free to chime in here.
403
00:19:12,610 --> 00:19:16,363
But I'm pretty sure ISIS can get you
a whole new identity, Cyril.
404
00:19:16,531 --> 00:19:18,698
Wait, no...
You can use one of my old ones.
405
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:20,242
I don't wanna use one...
Yes.
406
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:23,328
You're Chet Manley now.
I don't wanna be Chet Manley.
407
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:26,206
Everybody, say hello
to my friend Chet Manley.
408
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:27,916
Hi.
Not a new person.
409
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:29,835
Shut up, I saw him first!
410
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:35,131
Speaking of being a new person, or not,
did you wanna tell me something?
411
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:38,426
Did I?
Like four minutes ago?
412
00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,679
When you thought you were dying?
Oh, right.
413
00:19:40,847 --> 00:19:41,930
Lana, so here's the thing...
414
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,099
[PHONE RINGING]
415
00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:54,943
I got it!
416
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,613
Hello?
WOMAN: May I speak to Chet?
417
00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:00,991
Oh, my God. Heh, heh. Uh...
418
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:02,450
Yeah, hang on, he's right...
419
00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:03,785
Wait, who is this?
Rita.
420
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,662
Who?
The nurse?
421
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,455
Redhead?
422
00:20:08,583 --> 00:20:09,708
Uh...
Peggy?
423
00:20:09,876 --> 00:20:11,585
Oh, yeah, yeah. Hey, this is Chet.
424
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:12,794
[PHONE BEEPS]
425
00:20:12,962 --> 00:20:14,963
Hang on, Peggy, I got another call.
426
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,173
Talk to me.
SPELTS: Mr. Archer? Dr. Spelts...
427
00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:19,217
I know! What, doctor?
428
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:22,429
Well, you are just gonna kill me...
429
00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:25,390
...but turns out I was right the first time.
430
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:28,476
The first time you said I was cured!
Wait.
431
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:29,644
Now I'm confused...
432
00:20:29,812 --> 00:20:32,564
At the hospital, doctor! You said...
Oh, no.
433
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,900
I meant the first phone call.
434
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:38,361
When I said the cancer had spread
to your lymph nodes.
435
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:42,824
So, yeah, we're gonna wanna start
a round of chemo ASAP...
436
00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:47,162
...but in the meantime,
is your mother there?
437
00:20:47,330 --> 00:20:49,122
Are you here?
438
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:50,498
Eh.
439
00:20:50,666 --> 00:20:51,875
What?
440
00:20:52,043 --> 00:20:53,501
Too soon?
441
00:21:29,747 --> 00:21:30,747
[English - US - PSDH]
442
00:21:30,797 --> 00:21:35,347
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