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1
00:00:05,256 --> 00:00:07,175
[THUNDER CRASHING]
2
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:09,761
[SNORING]
3
00:00:09,928 --> 00:00:13,097
And that's your message? My God.
4
00:00:13,264 --> 00:00:14,349
[GLASS SHATTERING]
5
00:00:14,516 --> 00:00:16,309
Who...? Who's there?
What do you want?
6
00:00:16,476 --> 00:00:20,522
Because all you're gonna get is holes.
I... I mean, holes in you...
7
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:24,275
...not my... Hah! Sterling?
8
00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:27,362
Hello, Mother.
- Where the hell have you been?
9
00:00:27,529 --> 00:00:31,366
I don't know.
- What...? And why do you have a cleaver?
10
00:00:36,788 --> 00:00:39,165
CYRIL: "Interoffice fraternization
of an intimate nature...
11
00:00:39,332 --> 00:00:41,626
...is prohibited to include
but not limited to...
12
00:00:41,793 --> 00:00:44,796
...trysts, assignations..."
What's this even mean?
13
00:00:44,963 --> 00:00:46,965
It means no more banging coworkers.
14
00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:48,800
Oh, so it doesn't affect you.
15
00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:50,802
Mee-hee. Oh, wait, guess what.
16
00:00:50,969 --> 00:00:53,304
Ow! Hey, this isn't my fault.
17
00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:56,975
It's exactly your fault, idiot. When
Mother found out you cheated on Lana...
18
00:00:57,141 --> 00:01:00,645
Hey, you cheated on Lana plenty.
- Yeah, but with starlets, models.
19
00:01:00,812 --> 00:01:02,981
Oh, and one time,
two actual princesses.
20
00:01:03,147 --> 00:01:05,027
Two at the same time?
- Yeah, they were sisters.
21
00:01:05,149 --> 00:01:08,236
Sploosh.
- Cyril, you threw Lana away on chicks like...
22
00:01:08,403 --> 00:01:10,071
Like Carol.
- It's Cheryl.
23
00:01:10,238 --> 00:01:12,699
Exactly, back me up here.
- You slept with her too.
24
00:01:12,865 --> 00:01:16,995
When I was bored. Like, stuck at home
waiting for the cable guy, or... Oh, hey.
25
00:01:17,161 --> 00:01:19,330
What are you doing Thursday
between 9 and noon?
26
00:01:19,497 --> 00:01:20,582
Ugh.
- One and 4?
27
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,834
I'll be doing one
of your co-workers.
28
00:01:23,001 --> 00:01:25,169
Well, do it before
quitting time Friday.
29
00:01:25,336 --> 00:01:27,839
Why'd Ms. Archer give us until Friday...?
- I did that.
30
00:01:28,006 --> 00:01:30,633
Somebody in this building
is gonna have sex with me.
31
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,928
Yeah? You think between now and Friday
you can score some roofies?
32
00:01:34,095 --> 00:01:35,138
Heh-heh-heh.
33
00:01:35,305 --> 00:01:38,641
Uh-uh. Pam?
I will end you.
34
00:01:39,017 --> 00:01:40,310
Ow!
35
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,146
Where the hell is my staple gun?
36
00:01:43,313 --> 00:01:44,606
I think I saw Cyril with it.
37
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:47,817
He went through my desk?
- I guess. I mean he said he did.
38
00:01:47,984 --> 00:01:51,112
I don't know why I'm surprised.
I mean, can you believe him?
39
00:01:51,279 --> 00:01:52,864
Cheating on Lana?
- Baffling.
40
00:01:53,031 --> 00:01:54,032
Said the kettle.
41
00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:56,451
Which is why I started
that new policy.
42
00:01:56,618 --> 00:01:58,369
Yeah?
- You idiots run around here...
43
00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,997
...like it's spring break on South Padre.
44
00:02:01,164 --> 00:02:05,209
Just sex, sex, sex...
- Sexy-sexy, eh?
45
00:02:05,376 --> 00:02:08,004
MALORY: Nikolai?
- Is from Frederick's of Latvia.
46
00:02:08,171 --> 00:02:09,964
Mother? What?
- Oh, hello, son.
47
00:02:10,131 --> 00:02:11,924
Nikolai.
- Why did he call me "son?"
48
00:02:12,091 --> 00:02:14,052
What is this?
- You mean...
49
00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:17,221
...besides incredibly awkward?
50
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:53,883
No, I think "incredibly awkward"
just about sums it up.
51
00:02:54,050 --> 00:02:55,551
What? Mother!
52
00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:58,054
Nikolai, could I call you back?
53
00:02:58,221 --> 00:03:00,890
I will be here maybe in one hour...
54
00:03:01,057 --> 00:03:04,435
...then I'll try to hit gym, so...
- The gym. That'll be the day.
55
00:03:04,602 --> 00:03:06,270
Are you out of your mind?
56
00:03:06,437 --> 00:03:08,981
I must be. Because it looks
like you just destroyed...
57
00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:10,775
...my Steuben bar set.
58
00:03:10,942 --> 00:03:15,363
Well, you just destroyed my innocence.
- Oh, please, that Brazilian Au pair...
59
00:03:15,530 --> 00:03:18,991
...did that when you were 13.
- Twelve. And why does Nikolai Jakov...
60
00:03:19,158 --> 00:03:22,245
...the head of the KGB,
have a direct line to your office?
61
00:03:22,412 --> 00:03:25,039
Well, you know, from time to time...
What...? No.
62
00:03:25,206 --> 00:03:27,458
Just leave that,
you'll cut yourself. Sterling.
63
00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:31,212
And a follow-up question:
Why did he just call me son?
64
00:03:31,379 --> 00:03:34,549
That's often a figure of speech.
- Yeah? How often?
65
00:03:34,716 --> 00:03:37,885
Very often. Just not in this case.
66
00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,512
I know... Uh...
67
00:03:39,679 --> 00:03:41,472
What?
68
00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:47,603
Terrific. Two Steuben
glasses left and you break one.
69
00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:49,564
I'm sorry, Krieger,
but it's over.
70
00:03:49,731 --> 00:03:52,608
So here's all your Creedence
Clearwater albums back.
71
00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:55,653
Now a sad moon is on the rise.
- I know, devastating.
72
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,072
But it's not you,
it's your weak, woman-y hands.
73
00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:00,491
They're not...
- It's like being choked by a child.
74
00:04:00,658 --> 00:04:02,618
Which I thought would be hot, but...
75
00:04:02,785 --> 00:04:05,872
Wait, no, I'll take steroids.
- I can't wait. I need a man now...
76
00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:09,667
...with monster hands.
- Oh, like Lana ha... Hey, you.
77
00:04:09,834 --> 00:04:11,836
You know, the whole
"monster hands" thing?
78
00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:14,130
Starting to border on mean.
79
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:17,467
Oh, you gonna run cry to Ms. Archer,
like when Cyril cheated on you?
80
00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:19,594
Hello.
- Ooh-la-la.
81
00:04:19,761 --> 00:04:23,598
Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't
a noose I made out of extension cord.
82
00:04:23,765 --> 00:04:26,350
Guess what. She wasn't
the only one Cyril cheated with.
83
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:27,518
[GASPS]
84
00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:30,938
And what is that supposed to mean?
- Figure it out, Truckasaurus.
85
00:04:31,105 --> 00:04:32,940
Oh, that gives me an idea.
86
00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:36,861
But I already have a father.
His name was John Fitzgerald Archer.
87
00:04:37,028 --> 00:04:39,197
He was a fighter ace,
and he won the Navy Cross.
88
00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:41,532
And his men called him...
- "Black Jack" Archer.
89
00:04:41,699 --> 00:04:44,368
I know, dear, I know,
because I made it all up.
90
00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,037
But the military funeral.
91
00:04:46,204 --> 00:04:49,665
MAN: Ready. Aim.
- MALORY: Oh, my God.
92
00:04:49,832 --> 00:04:53,211
If we miss that train I will go blind.
- MAN: Fire.
93
00:04:53,377 --> 00:04:54,378
[GUNSHOTS]
94
00:04:54,962 --> 00:04:56,547
But the 21 gun salute.
95
00:04:56,714 --> 00:05:01,052
I donated 600 bucks
to a Junior ROTC team up in Yonkers.
96
00:05:01,219 --> 00:05:04,055
Which they used to go
to a competition in Albany...
97
00:05:04,222 --> 00:05:08,059
...where they won third place.
So a lot of good came out of that.
98
00:05:08,226 --> 00:05:10,520
So all's well that ends well?
- What was I to do?
99
00:05:10,686 --> 00:05:13,356
Tell a 3-year-old
his father might be in the KGB?
100
00:05:13,523 --> 00:05:15,066
What? What do you mean might be?
101
00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:18,903
So there may or may not be
a few other possibles...
102
00:05:19,070 --> 00:05:20,988
...in the mix.
103
00:05:21,405 --> 00:05:22,698
What?
104
00:05:22,865 --> 00:05:25,034
Seriously? You cheated
on me with Carol?
105
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:27,161
Cheryl.
- Exactly.
106
00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:29,956
And I can explain that.
- Well if you'd let me.
107
00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,959
Yeah, tell me. How my father
might be Nikolai Jakov...
108
00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:36,838
...head of the KGB,
or Len Trexler, head of ODIN!
109
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,966
Well...
- I assume those are my only choices?
110
00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:41,384
[CLEARS THROAT]
111
00:05:41,551 --> 00:05:43,135
Oh, my... Who else?
112
00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:45,930
Gene Krupa. No, wait.
- What? The drummer?
113
00:05:46,097 --> 00:05:48,015
Not Krupa, the other one,
with the teeth.
114
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:50,935
Buddy Rich.
- Oh, my...
115
00:05:51,102 --> 00:05:55,147
I could never say no to a drummer.
- Could you say no to anybody?
116
00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:58,442
I said no to plenty.
117
00:05:58,609 --> 00:06:00,695
No. No.
- Yes. Have sex with me. Please.
118
00:06:00,862 --> 00:06:03,114
No.
- Oh, come on.
119
00:06:03,281 --> 00:06:06,909
Nobody would ever know.
- Pam? Yeah.
120
00:06:07,076 --> 00:06:08,369
I'd know.
121
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,997
No. No. No.
- Let me talk to him.
122
00:06:11,163 --> 00:06:15,042
Nikolai, he's not even here.
He stormed out, thanks to you.
123
00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:19,046
But I could talk sense into him.
After all, I am his father.
124
00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:21,257
Oh. $0...
125
00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:22,466
[GLASS SHATTERING]
126
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:25,636
Len Trexler or Buddy Rich?
127
00:06:25,803 --> 00:06:29,056
Get me that crazy German. Now.
- Ow! Ow!
128
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,058
Hostile work environment.
- Shut up.
129
00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:33,728
We are going to kidnap
Agent Sterling Archer.
130
00:06:33,895 --> 00:06:36,314
Oh, yeah? Then what,
you hurt his feelings?
131
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:40,067
JAKOV: Then we put new mind-control
microchip into his brain.
132
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,820
We use its remote-control
capability...
133
00:06:42,987 --> 00:06:46,490
...to bring him here,
make the papa test.
134
00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:48,659
And if I am Archer's father...
135
00:06:48,826 --> 00:06:52,330
...I turn him against his own mother,
as Soviet agent.
136
00:06:52,496 --> 00:06:55,499
Make him a, how you say, vole.
137
00:06:56,334 --> 00:06:59,086
I think you mean mole. Mole.
- Huh?
138
00:06:59,253 --> 00:07:03,883
Vole is also rodent,
but more closer related to lemming.
139
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:07,386
[HUMMING]
140
00:07:11,349 --> 00:07:13,100
Come on, buddy.
141
00:07:18,648 --> 00:07:19,690
[SIGHS]
142
00:07:19,857 --> 00:07:23,027
Can't you read, ass-douche? You're not
supposed to be here without a kid.
143
00:07:23,194 --> 00:07:25,738
As it happens,
I am here with a child.
144
00:07:25,905 --> 00:07:27,949
Mani, can we have
more money for the sweets?
145
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:30,868
What? That's not even
a real baby.
146
00:07:31,035 --> 00:07:35,206
And that is? I thought you were
off to the fair with your prize turnip.
147
00:07:35,373 --> 00:07:36,415
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
148
00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:38,876
A tur...? Listen, you kraut puke.
- Hello.
149
00:07:39,043 --> 00:07:41,420
Oh, yeah. You should go.
150
00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,547
You're lucky
his father's not here.
151
00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:46,801
He knows Krav Maga,
he'll kick your balls through your hat...
152
00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:49,887
...you Nazi shit-ass.
- Mani, these people.
153
00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:53,516
Well, you wanted him to grow up
in the city.
154
00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:56,227
Nein, major, not you. Yeah, listening.
155
00:07:56,394 --> 00:07:58,604
And after you take Archer to the...
156
00:07:58,771 --> 00:07:59,814
[GROWLS]
157
00:07:59,981 --> 00:08:01,857
...KGB safehouse
on Gansevoort...
158
00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:03,693
...you will implant the microchip...
159
00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:05,361
...into his brain.
- Got it.
160
00:08:06,404 --> 00:08:10,950
Yeah, seriously.
Okay, Uta, we have a job, so...
161
00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:13,452
Where is the diaper bag?
162
00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:18,040
I forgot where I put it.
- Huge surprise.
163
00:08:18,207 --> 00:08:20,501
Ow! Ow!
- Idiot. What is wrong with you?
164
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:21,919
And just who the happy hell...
165
00:08:22,086 --> 00:08:24,505
...do you think you are,
hanging up on me?
166
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:27,758
Oh, you gonna tell
your boyfriend Len Trexler?
167
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:30,511
Or maybe Gene Krupa?
- It was the other one.
168
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:32,930
Maybe. Or you, maybe, or...
169
00:08:33,097 --> 00:08:37,143
Whoever it was, he wasn't there to raise
Sterling, so I don't need him butting in now.
170
00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:38,936
We'll see. Nothing.
- What?
171
00:08:39,103 --> 00:08:41,105
Nikolai, what are you scheming at?
172
00:08:41,272 --> 00:08:44,734
Nothing.
- Again he hangs up on me.
173
00:08:44,900 --> 00:08:46,360
[GRUNTS]
174
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:47,611
[SIGHS]
175
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:50,698
And there goes the last Steuben.
176
00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:54,285
[CHERYL GASPS]
177
00:08:54,452 --> 00:08:57,955
Sploosh. That's what I'm talking about.
- Yup, yup, yup.
178
00:08:58,581 --> 00:09:01,250
Wait, you think it's safe?
179
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,086
No.
180
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:07,298
Okay, we got the French chick,
and Carol...
181
00:09:07,465 --> 00:09:09,050
...and anybody else,
Rambone?
182
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,135
No.
- Hi, Cyril.
183
00:09:11,302 --> 00:09:13,721
[CHUCKLES THEN COUGHS]
184
00:09:14,096 --> 00:09:16,640
Well. Um...
- Scatterbrain Jane? Really?
185
00:09:16,807 --> 00:09:19,560
Well, say she had just been
diagnosed with breast cancer.
186
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:23,564
Oh, right. I forgot,
your dick's full of radiation...
187
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:25,566
...and mastectomy coupons.
188
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:28,903
Boy, you are just so determined
not to be cool about this.
189
00:09:29,070 --> 00:09:31,530
Yup. Anybody else?
- Um...
190
00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:34,784
Ms. Archer, you're trying to seduce me.
191
00:09:34,950 --> 00:09:36,202
[MALORY LAUGHS]
192
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:37,787
Aren't you?
193
00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:40,164
Nope, no, no one.
- Okay, okay, okay.
194
00:09:40,331 --> 00:09:42,416
Okay, get out.
- Of my own office?
195
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:43,834
Yup.
- Why?
196
00:09:44,001 --> 00:09:46,170
Oh, you don't wanna be here...
197
00:09:46,337 --> 00:09:48,631
...when I bang every last dude
in the building.
198
00:09:48,798 --> 00:09:50,341
What?
- Here on your blotter.
199
00:09:50,508 --> 00:09:51,509
No!
- Yup!
200
00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:54,845
You can't do that.
- Really? ls it Opposite Day already?
201
00:09:55,012 --> 00:09:56,013
[BEEPS OVER PA]
202
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,306
Uh... Attention?
203
00:09:57,473 --> 00:09:59,600
Hi, this is Agent Kane...
204
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:03,104
...and if you wanna have
ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk...
205
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,606
...please line up
and take a number.
206
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:06,941
[CLAMORING]
207
00:10:07,108 --> 00:10:10,111
You heard the lady. Take a number.
208
00:10:11,487 --> 00:10:15,407
Eighty-sixed? Uh-uh.
You don't eighty-six me.
209
00:10:15,574 --> 00:10:19,036
Because my dad
won the Navy Cross.
210
00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:25,209
Here's the door.
- Help. Please help me.
211
00:10:25,376 --> 00:10:28,170
My baby. He swallowed something,
he's choking.
212
00:10:28,671 --> 00:10:29,713
[BELCHES]
213
00:10:29,880 --> 00:10:32,341
Oh, who gives a shit
about a baby?
214
00:10:33,717 --> 00:10:36,971
Who would want to raise
a child here?
215
00:10:38,180 --> 00:10:42,351
Well, that was a huge waste of time.
- I said don't take your clothes off.
216
00:10:42,518 --> 00:10:45,521
Well. Well!
- Begged, even. Okay, this is good to go.
217
00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:48,357
So was this.
- So let's get number two in here.
218
00:10:48,524 --> 00:10:51,694
You really think this is gonna work?
- Pam, look at me.
219
00:10:51,861 --> 00:10:54,155
Yeah... Sploosh.
220
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,364
[PA BEEPS]
221
00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:58,200
LANA: Now serving number two.
- BRETT: I'm two.
222
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:01,412
That's me! Move, dude.
- Animals.
223
00:11:01,579 --> 00:11:05,583
You're all just animals.
- Lying in wait at the watering hole...
224
00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:08,752
...taut buttocks all aquiver,
just aching to pounce...
225
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:11,213
...on the supple brown flesh
of your woman.
226
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:13,048
Shut up.
- They're gonna mess her up.
227
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:14,758
Why are you even here?
- Hello.
228
00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:18,596
But you're gay.
- Girl, please. Nobody's that gay.
229
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,598
Wait, what?
- What, what?
230
00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:23,100
What part of you pay me
600 dollars do you not get?
231
00:11:23,267 --> 00:11:25,769
The part where we don't have sex?
232
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,438
You get to say we did.
233
00:11:27,605 --> 00:11:29,815
Which is, like,
half the reason men have sex.
234
00:11:29,982 --> 00:11:31,483
But that's a lot of money.
235
00:11:31,650 --> 00:11:33,944
Not compared to rotator cuff surgery.
- What?
236
00:11:34,111 --> 00:11:36,614
Which you're gonna need
after the jillion high-fives...
237
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,782
...you give your little bros.
238
00:11:39,617 --> 00:11:41,785
Okay, I'm in.
- But first guy you tell is Cyril.
239
00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:44,955
And make up the sickest...
- Yeah, shut up, do you take plastic?
240
00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:48,334
Five percent discount for cash.
- I thought it was 10.
241
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:51,378
Oh, oh, oh, I can't wet my beak?
242
00:11:51,837 --> 00:11:53,172
[THUNDER CRASHING]
243
00:11:53,339 --> 00:11:56,008
Hey, seriously, kidnappers...
244
00:11:56,175 --> 00:11:58,385
...super not in the mood
for this right now.
245
00:11:58,552 --> 00:11:59,845
[WHIRRING]
246
00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:01,513
Or that. What is that?
247
00:12:02,306 --> 00:12:03,515
Is that a drill?
248
00:12:03,682 --> 00:12:05,434
Okay, so.
- ARCHER: I don't want that.
249
00:12:05,601 --> 00:12:08,979
I make a Klein hole in his skull with this.
- ARCHER: Just shut that off.
250
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:12,316
Then into the hole I smoosh this.
- ARCHER: What is that?
251
00:12:12,483 --> 00:12:14,526
And then they can
control his brain.
252
00:12:15,361 --> 00:12:17,238
But is Soviet technology...
253
00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,157
...so it's a crapshoot.
- This is amazing, no?
254
00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:23,160
What is amazing is we just
ran into him on the street.
255
00:12:23,327 --> 00:12:26,330
It's a huge city.
- Hey. Hey! Proposition.
256
00:12:26,497 --> 00:12:28,749
First person to untie me, guy or gal...
257
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,586
...I will let him or her give me a handy.
- BOTH: Ugh.
258
00:12:32,753 --> 00:12:36,507
Let's share the milk of human kindness.
- What an asshole.
259
00:12:36,674 --> 00:12:40,928
Don't worry, your time is coming.
- Wait, by time do you mean me?
260
00:12:41,095 --> 00:12:44,056
And by "don't worry", do you mean
the chick's gonna be doing the handy?
261
00:12:44,223 --> 00:12:45,391
[DRILL WHIRRING]
262
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:47,935
And either way,
can we do it without that thing?
263
00:12:48,102 --> 00:12:49,353
Hey, seriously.
264
00:12:50,229 --> 00:12:52,481
Give me a hanjo.
265
00:12:58,529 --> 00:13:01,156
[MOANING]
266
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,535
JAKOV:
It doesn't work.
267
00:13:04,702 --> 00:13:09,039
I drill hole in head of man
who maybe is my son.
268
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:12,167
Put chip in his brain...
269
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,461
...and now you tell me...
270
00:13:14,628 --> 00:13:16,297
...it doesn't work.
271
00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,590
You should have
asked me before you...
272
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:21,385
See, in testing we have
had teensy problem...
273
00:13:21,552 --> 00:13:23,554
...with signal from satellite.
274
00:13:23,721 --> 00:13:27,391
When it is in small window
just over the target...
275
00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:29,226
...it can signal the chip.
276
00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:30,394
[BEEPS]
277
00:13:30,561 --> 00:13:31,895
[LAUGHS]
278
00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:34,064
SCIENTIST:
But when it exits this window...
279
00:13:34,565 --> 00:13:38,068
Ahh.
- This problem does not sound teensy!
280
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:40,988
It is compared to the problem we had...
281
00:13:41,155 --> 00:13:43,198
...with interference
from cell phones.
282
00:13:43,365 --> 00:13:44,575
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE]
283
00:13:44,742 --> 00:13:46,994
[SCREAMING]
284
00:13:47,161 --> 00:13:52,082
Which in lab sent test subjects
into ferocious homicidal rages.
285
00:13:52,249 --> 00:13:54,918
So obviously we need to tweak it.
286
00:13:55,461 --> 00:13:57,838
Damn that crazy, jealous Russian.
287
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:01,467
Bet he's hatching some half-assed,
vodka-soaked scheme to...
288
00:14:01,633 --> 00:14:05,012
ARCHER: Hello? Ha!
- Sterling? Sterling, listen very-Wha...?
289
00:14:05,179 --> 00:14:07,264
Voicemail. You know what to do.
290
00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:09,266
OPERATOR: We're sorry.
- Damn it.
291
00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:11,602
Carol? Carol.
292
00:14:11,769 --> 00:14:13,687
And just where the hell is she?
293
00:14:14,813 --> 00:14:17,441
[GRUNTING]
294
00:14:17,608 --> 00:14:21,403
Oh, God, sorry. Sorry.
- Ahh...
295
00:14:21,570 --> 00:14:24,782
What are you doing?
- I thought you said start slacking off.
296
00:14:24,948 --> 00:14:27,826
Not slacking off.
297
00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:31,038
Dude, swear to God.
She gave me a Jane Hathaway.
298
00:14:31,205 --> 00:14:34,833
Right on my chest. My man
knows what I'm talking about.
299
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,961
Doesn't anyone work
around here? And, Cyril...
300
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:42,299
...I am so disgusted with you right now
I just wanna vomit.
301
00:14:43,801 --> 00:14:45,469
That's exactly what I said to Lana.
302
00:14:45,636 --> 00:14:47,805
[GRUNTS THEN SCREAMS]
303
00:14:47,971 --> 00:14:49,056
[PA BEEPS]
304
00:14:49,223 --> 00:14:51,308
PAM:
Thirty-seven. Thirty-seven.
305
00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:52,518
Ooh.
306
00:14:52,684 --> 00:14:54,186
[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]
307
00:14:54,728 --> 00:14:56,647
Uh... Move.
- MALORY: Ugh.
308
00:14:56,980 --> 00:14:58,023
[ZIPS FLY]
309
00:14:58,190 --> 00:14:59,608
Just get it done by Friday.
310
00:14:59,775 --> 00:15:00,818
[LINE RINGS]
311
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:04,405
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE
AND ARCHER SCREAMING]
312
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,657
[LINE RINGING]
313
00:15:08,409 --> 00:15:10,249
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE
AND ARCHER SCREAMING]
314
00:15:10,411 --> 00:15:11,620
[CRASHING]
315
00:15:11,787 --> 00:15:12,996
[LINE RINGING]
316
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:14,498
[SIGHS]
317
00:15:14,665 --> 00:15:17,835
[MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE
AND ARCHER SCREAMING]
318
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:21,505
Oh, come on Sterling,
pick up, pick...
319
00:15:21,672 --> 00:15:24,091
Sterling? Sterling?
What's wrong, are you in...?
320
00:15:24,258 --> 00:15:27,177
ARCHER:
Ha. Alternate voicemail.
321
00:15:27,428 --> 00:15:29,888
You know what to do, stupid.
- OPERATOR: We're sorry...
322
00:15:30,055 --> 00:15:32,683
I'm done. He's dead to me.
323
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:34,518
ARCHER:
Mother.
324
00:15:35,060 --> 00:15:37,521
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
325
00:15:37,688 --> 00:15:39,148
Kill Mother.
326
00:15:44,319 --> 00:15:46,530
Oh, my God, I'm exhausted.
327
00:15:46,697 --> 00:15:48,615
Whereas I am merely confused.
328
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,034
If you told every guy
the same thing...
329
00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:54,204
...then they all know that none
of them had sex with you.
330
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:57,374
They're all gonna realize they're all lying.
- Hey, yeah.
331
00:15:57,541 --> 00:16:01,295
Wait a minute.
- But remember, they're dudes.
332
00:16:01,462 --> 00:16:03,088
What?
- Um...
333
00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:05,883
I had sex with Lana.
- Me too.
334
00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:09,303
Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard.
- Mwah.
335
00:16:09,470 --> 00:16:13,265
I just hope Cyril doesn't, like, snap.
- Cyril? Snap?
336
00:16:13,432 --> 00:16:15,559
Snap.
- Girl, please.
337
00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:20,063
Seven, six, two, millimeter...
338
00:16:20,230 --> 00:16:22,232
...full metal jacket...
339
00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:23,442
[DOOR OPENS]
340
00:16:23,609 --> 00:16:24,902
Someone's in here.
341
00:16:25,402 --> 00:16:28,530
Holy shit snacks.
You made over 20 grand.
342
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:29,948
Minus my 60 bucks.
343
00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:32,576
Plus Cyril's broken heart.
Not too shabs, Pam.
344
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:35,370
Are you kidding?
Thirty-six guys?
345
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:37,539
It's like Schindler's List up in here.
346
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:40,083
Pam!
- And I'm like that little Gandhi dude.
347
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,085
Pam.
- Helping out with the books, and...
348
00:16:42,252 --> 00:16:46,548
Inappropriate analogies?
What the hell is wrong with you?
349
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:50,260
Nothing. I'm a desirable...
350
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:54,223
...full-bodied woman
but nobody will have sex with me.
351
00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:57,935
And I have so much love to give.
352
00:16:58,101 --> 00:16:59,144
[SOBBING]
353
00:16:59,311 --> 00:17:00,604
[SIGHS]
354
00:17:00,771 --> 00:17:02,898
Get on the desk.
- Really?
355
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:05,108
Yeah, come on.
Before I change my mind.
356
00:17:05,275 --> 00:17:09,279
But you cannot say a word.
- I won't tell anybody.
357
00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:10,948
No, honey, I mean during.
358
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:13,575
Because I'm gonna pretend
you're Alex Karras.
359
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,620
[THUNDER CRASHING]
360
00:17:17,621 --> 00:17:19,623
[SNORING]
361
00:17:19,790 --> 00:17:23,126
And that's your message?
My God, who...?
362
00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,336
[GLASS SHATTERING]
363
00:17:24,503 --> 00:17:25,754
Who's there? What do you want?
364
00:17:25,921 --> 00:17:29,967
Because all you're gonna get
is holes. I... I mean holes in you...
365
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,134
...not my... Hah!
366
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:32,344
[THUNDER CRASHING]
367
00:17:32,511 --> 00:17:34,972
Sterling?
- Hello, Mother.
368
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:36,807
Where the hell have you been?
369
00:17:36,974 --> 00:17:40,435
I don't know.
- And why do you have a cleaver?
370
00:17:43,146 --> 00:17:46,984
I don't know.
- Well, you're safe now. So get out.
371
00:17:47,150 --> 00:17:49,945
I'm hungry.
- So lick that coat. You smell like a...
372
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:52,114
Grilled cheese.
- What?
373
00:17:52,281 --> 00:17:55,450
Grill me a cheese.
- I'm not grilling you a cheese.
374
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:57,786
[SOBBING]
375
00:17:59,496 --> 00:18:01,665
Oh, for God's sake.
376
00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:06,169
Waltz in here, dressed like
some sort of cattle-rapist.
377
00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:09,047
Waving a cleaver and reeking
of what I hope to God is meat.
378
00:18:09,214 --> 00:18:10,757
And that's all you have to say?
379
00:18:10,924 --> 00:18:13,844
I don't know.
- I was worried sick. Called you twice...
380
00:18:14,011 --> 00:18:15,596
...came this close to leaving...
381
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:19,808
And why doesn't your voicemail just say,
"Leave a message, I'm a jackass"?
382
00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:22,144
I don't know.
- I don't know. I don't know.
383
00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:23,645
What is wrong with you?
384
00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:26,023
My head hurts. And I have no father.
385
00:18:26,189 --> 00:18:28,525
Sterling, of course you have a father.
386
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:31,069
Just maybe not the one you wanted.
- And you...
387
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:33,864
And me neither. Because even though
that whole weekend...
388
00:18:34,031 --> 00:18:37,701
...is just a big jazzy blur,
I'm pretty sure it wasn't Buddy.
389
00:18:37,868 --> 00:18:42,289
And all these years, you lied to me.
- Sterling, I was protecting you.
390
00:18:42,456 --> 00:18:44,166
From what, this sandwich?
391
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:47,711
This is Swiss, Mother!
- Because that's all I had. You ass.
392
00:18:47,878 --> 00:18:51,590
Just like I'm all that you have.
- Well, I hate it. And I hate you.
393
00:18:51,757 --> 00:18:54,551
Sterling Malory Archer,
you will eat...
394
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:58,764
...every last crumb
of that sandwich.
395
00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:02,059
No.
- Then get out. I'll call you a cab.
396
00:19:02,225 --> 00:19:03,585
[LINE RINGING
AND ARCHER SCREAMING]
397
00:19:03,727 --> 00:19:05,187
Sterling, stop that this instant.
398
00:19:05,354 --> 00:19:06,730
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
399
00:19:06,897 --> 00:19:09,066
Kill Mother.
- Waah!
400
00:19:09,232 --> 00:19:11,151
Ah. Kill Mother.
401
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:14,821
Police, police, have to call the...
Waah!
402
00:19:14,988 --> 00:19:20,202
D?ja vu, huh? I'm having a nightmare
and you lock me out of your bedroom?
403
00:19:20,369 --> 00:19:23,914
Sterling, no, stay back.
- Only this time, you'll be crying for help.
404
00:19:24,081 --> 00:19:26,083
Sterling!
- And I'll be the one drinking...
405
00:19:26,249 --> 00:19:30,253
...and laughing in there with Uncle Buddy!
- Sterling, I'm warning you.
406
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,548
Sterling!
407
00:19:34,925 --> 00:19:36,510
[THUD]
408
00:19:37,260 --> 00:19:38,553
Sterling?
409
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:41,723
Sterling. Sterling!
410
00:19:41,890 --> 00:19:44,059
ARCHER:
What? God.
411
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:49,272
Well, whose fault is that?
Waving a cleaver, screaming in Russian?
412
00:19:49,439 --> 00:19:50,482
I'm sorry.
- Ass.
413
00:19:50,649 --> 00:19:53,110
Seriously, I don't know
what's going on with my head.
414
00:19:53,276 --> 00:19:56,697
Filthy coat, can't tell what's
cow's blood and what's yours.
415
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,782
The wet blood, Mother, is mine.
416
00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:01,034
And it's ruining my brand-new linens.
- Sorry.
417
00:20:01,201 --> 00:20:04,621
This is why I can't have nice things.
- Why, because you shoot them?
418
00:20:04,788 --> 00:20:07,290
Serves you right.
You nearly scared me to death.
419
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:10,460
Well, you obviously weren't
that scared, judging by your grouping.
420
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:13,380
Unh.
- Hah. Guess the old gal's still got it.
421
00:20:13,547 --> 00:20:16,883
All six, right in the 10 ring.
- Hooray.
422
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,720
Just like I taught you.
Without any help from...
423
00:20:19,886 --> 00:20:23,140
...whoever your father is.
- Yeah, you were always there for me.
424
00:20:23,306 --> 00:20:27,185
Which I never really thank you for.
- Sterling, I don't need thanks.
425
00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:30,063
That's what makes me
such a wonderful mother.
426
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,649
Ha-ha. Are you kidding?
- Don't be shitty.
427
00:20:32,816 --> 00:20:36,361
Can't we just enjoy the moment?
- Yeah, how could we not?
428
00:20:38,989 --> 00:20:40,157
Ass.
429
00:21:13,732 --> 00:21:14,733
[English - US - PSDH]
430
00:21:14,783 --> 00:21:19,333
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