Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,211 --> 00:00:03,213
MALORY: And if it happens again
I'll put a lock on it...
2
00:00:03,379 --> 00:00:05,340
...so no one can enjoy it.
3
00:00:05,507 --> 00:00:08,176
Moving on, item seven.
4
00:00:08,343 --> 00:00:11,513
Oh, I'm afraid I have some tragic news.
5
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,806
Um, item six wasn't tragic?
- MALORY: Zip it.
6
00:00:13,973 --> 00:00:15,558
Wow.
- Agent Hector Ru?z...
7
00:00:15,725 --> 00:00:17,769
...who had infiltrated El Frente Rojo...
8
00:00:17,936 --> 00:00:20,230
...was killed last night
when his cover was blown.
9
00:00:20,396 --> 00:00:21,940
My little burrito.
- Wait, who?
10
00:00:22,106 --> 00:00:24,025
How in the world did his cover get blown?
11
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:25,818
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
12
00:00:25,985 --> 00:00:27,445
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
13
00:00:27,612 --> 00:00:29,697
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
14
00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:34,077
Ru?z? Hey man, talk to
these chicks, all right?
15
00:00:34,244 --> 00:00:36,955
Tell them how
we're really ISIS agents!
16
00:00:37,121 --> 00:00:39,457
They don't believe me. Hello?
17
00:00:39,624 --> 00:00:41,793
Se?or Wingman?
18
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,712
He probably got careless.
I'm sure Hector didn't get...
19
00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,631
Oh, come on. Ru?z was a loose cannon.
20
00:00:46,798 --> 00:00:49,884
He played fast and he played loose.
And in the end, he got burned.
21
00:00:50,051 --> 00:00:51,636
Be that as it may!
- Loose cannon.
22
00:00:51,803 --> 00:00:55,390
For ISIS to continue enjoying
Title 6 tax incentives...
23
00:00:55,557 --> 00:00:57,475
...we have to meet certain...
24
00:00:57,642 --> 00:00:59,561
...diversity requirements.
25
00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,896
Oh, I think we're pretty diverse.
- Ha. Please.
26
00:01:02,063 --> 00:01:03,815
What? You're blackish.
27
00:01:03,982 --> 00:01:05,984
Ish?
- Well, what's the word for it, Lana?
28
00:01:06,150 --> 00:01:08,695
You freaked out when I said "quadroon."
- Imagine that!
29
00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:11,990
You imagine it!
- Both of you, imagine shutting up!
30
00:01:12,156 --> 00:01:14,742
Because after losing
Agent Pak last year...
31
00:01:14,909 --> 00:01:17,704
ARCHER [ON PHONE]: Hey, tell this
broad what's up with ISIS, Pak-man.
32
00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:20,331
Wokka, Wokka, wokka!
33
00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:24,294
...and then Agent Mgumbe...
ARCHER: You going to this lame ISIS picnic?
34
00:01:24,460 --> 00:01:26,963
Loose cannons!
- ...the ISIS palette has become...
35
00:01:27,130 --> 00:01:28,673
...decidedly monochromatic.
36
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,843
I'm one sixty-fourth Cherokee.
- Shut up!
37
00:01:32,010 --> 00:01:33,136
So stupid.
- What?
38
00:01:33,303 --> 00:01:36,973
A, no, you're probably not.
- And B through Z, nobody gives a shit.
39
00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:38,182
Racist!
- What?
40
00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:39,809
You're anti-Native American.
41
00:01:39,976 --> 00:01:41,019
[WHISTLES SHRILLY]
42
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:42,937
Jeez!
- Come on.
43
00:01:43,104 --> 00:01:44,188
Item eight.
44
00:01:44,355 --> 00:01:45,982
We need a diversity hire.
45
00:01:46,149 --> 00:01:48,693
I vote Asian chick.
- And after an exhaustive search...
46
00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:50,820
...I found the perfect candidate.
47
00:01:50,987 --> 00:01:54,365
So join me in welcoming
our new ISIS agent...
48
00:01:54,532 --> 00:01:57,035
Stern. Conway Stern.
49
00:01:57,201 --> 00:02:00,163
MALORY:
He's a diversity double-whammy.
50
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:34,113
So that was the firing range...
51
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:35,865
...and the cafeteria, and...
52
00:02:36,032 --> 00:02:39,577
Do you keep kosher?
- Well, I do have a weakness for prawns.
53
00:02:39,744 --> 00:02:43,456
Me too! I'll have them
make paella tomorrow.
54
00:02:43,623 --> 00:02:46,626
Okay, that's the mainframe,
and these are all just...
55
00:02:46,793 --> 00:02:48,670
...drones.
- Hey, come on!
56
00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:51,756
Malory, these are the unsung
heroes of ISIS.
57
00:02:51,923 --> 00:02:54,217
Where'd we be without
my man Cyril in accounting?
58
00:02:54,384 --> 00:02:56,094
Hey, thanks, bro.
59
00:02:56,260 --> 00:02:59,180
You got it, buddy. Or the
lovely Pam in Human Resources.
60
00:02:59,347 --> 00:03:00,765
Yeah, I am kind of lovely.
61
00:03:00,932 --> 00:03:04,477
And last but not least...
I'm sorry, I don't know your name.
62
00:03:04,644 --> 00:03:07,271
Me neither.
- See? They don't know anything.
63
00:03:07,438 --> 00:03:10,733
Now, over here is a big corner office.
- CONWAY: I see it's currently empty.
64
00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:12,777
Like my "vagine."
65
00:03:12,944 --> 00:03:16,364
Yeah, but unlike your dusty "vagine,"
it's not going to stay empty.
66
00:03:16,531 --> 00:03:19,033
Wait, you don't think
you're getting the office.
67
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,452
Well, I am
the Human Resources director.
68
00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:25,873
Pam, come on, let's face it.
Your entire job could be done by a...
69
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,543
A bulletin board.
- You heard Conway. I'm essential!
70
00:03:28,710 --> 00:03:32,797
How? I can go online and get a list
of every federal holiday for the next...
71
00:03:32,964 --> 00:03:35,967
Wow, ten thousand years.
- Wait, really? Ten thousand?
72
00:03:36,134 --> 00:03:39,303
Hmm? Oh.
No, this isn't even on.
73
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:42,557
I'm gonna get that office!
- CYRIL: I'm getting it, Pam!
74
00:03:42,724 --> 00:03:46,144
Oh, my God,
I am surrounded by idiots.
75
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,980
And this is the locker room.
76
00:03:49,147 --> 00:03:51,274
Yeah, the, uh, lockers were a tip-off.
77
00:03:51,441 --> 00:03:55,361
Well, I'll leave you to it.
But if you need anything...
78
00:03:55,528 --> 00:03:57,655
...you know how to whistle,
don't you, Conway?
79
00:03:57,822 --> 00:04:03,119
Yup, lips together, blow. Got it.
- Oh. Ha, ha. You are just a little treasure.
80
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:04,495
[MALORY GIGGLES]
81
00:04:04,662 --> 00:04:06,622
Jesus, Conway.
82
00:04:06,789 --> 00:04:11,294
What have you got yourself into, man?
- You better pray it wasn't my mother.
83
00:04:11,461 --> 00:04:14,088
I'm fairly confident you misread
that whole situation.
84
00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:18,009
Oh, yeah?
- I'm real confident you misread this one.
85
00:04:18,176 --> 00:04:19,886
[BOTH GRUNT]
86
00:04:20,052 --> 00:04:22,180
ARCHER: Uh, how about this one?
- This one, uh...
87
00:04:22,346 --> 00:04:26,017
...actually seems kind of gay.
- Maybe because our penises are touching.
88
00:04:26,184 --> 00:04:29,854
Yeah, so, let's go on...
89
00:04:30,021 --> 00:04:31,522
BOTH:
Three!
90
00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:36,194
What? You, uh, see something you like?
- Wha...? No, you queer!
91
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,029
Oh, I'm queer? From the guy...
92
00:04:38,196 --> 00:04:40,239
...whose tiny gun
came with a matching purse?
93
00:04:40,406 --> 00:04:42,492
Hey, it's got plenty
of stopping power.
94
00:04:42,658 --> 00:04:44,285
MAN:
What? That little...?
95
00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,537
Goddamn it, Archer! Again!
- Oh, shit.
96
00:04:46,704 --> 00:04:49,248
See that? He was putting on
his pants and I stopped him.
97
00:04:49,415 --> 00:04:52,585
So you just watch your step,
mister, uh...
98
00:04:52,752 --> 00:04:54,587
Damn it.
- There, should have gone with:
99
00:04:54,754 --> 00:04:57,298
"Sammy Gay-vis Junior."
- ARCHER: Damn it!
100
00:04:57,465 --> 00:04:59,675
Come on. She doesn't need
a corner office...
101
00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:03,262
...just to Xerox the ISIS newsletter.
- Color Xerox.
102
00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:05,723
And what, you need more room
to chop vegetables?
103
00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:09,018
All right! Obviously,
I need to make a decision.
104
00:05:09,185 --> 00:05:11,270
But which shall it...? Oh!
105
00:05:11,437 --> 00:05:13,397
Or I could just give Conway both!
106
00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:16,025
You what?
- I already took care of those.
107
00:05:16,192 --> 00:05:18,194
Frodo and Salsa were my operations.
108
00:05:18,361 --> 00:05:21,739
At ease, Career Admiral,
Malory was getting impatient on Salsa.
109
00:05:21,906 --> 00:05:24,700
Salsa was a highly complex operation.
- Two phone calls.
110
00:05:24,867 --> 00:05:27,411
And as for Frodo...
- LANA: Wha...?
111
00:05:27,578 --> 00:05:30,206
Well, some pun involving hobbits.
112
00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:34,252
Like, I bet he wishes he was wearing
Bilbo's coat of Dwarven mithril.
113
00:05:34,418 --> 00:05:36,087
Gonna take your word on that.
- Yeah?
114
00:05:36,254 --> 00:05:38,589
Well, take my word on this.
115
00:05:38,756 --> 00:05:40,591
I am the top agent around here.
116
00:05:40,758 --> 00:05:43,052
So watch it!
- So, see, in Middle-earth...
117
00:05:43,219 --> 00:05:45,221
Shh. Shh, Shh, shh.
118
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:46,430
Come on, buddy.
119
00:05:46,597 --> 00:05:48,766
You're kidding.
- No, I'm dead serious.
120
00:05:48,933 --> 00:05:50,768
I wanna file a complaint
against Conway.
121
00:05:50,935 --> 00:05:53,855
On what grounds?
- He touched my penis with his penis.
122
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,314
Wow.
- Yeah.
123
00:05:55,481 --> 00:05:58,025
He just came up to me and was like:
"Byoop!"
124
00:05:58,192 --> 00:06:00,820
Where?
- All of it. Head and shaft.
125
00:06:00,987 --> 00:06:03,197
And... Oh, you mean where in the building.
- No.
126
00:06:03,364 --> 00:06:06,868
That shouldn't matter, Pam.
- I got this other complaint from Brett...
127
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,619
...who said you shot him again.
- Uh...
128
00:06:08,786 --> 00:06:10,204
...here's the thing about Brett.
129
00:06:12,456 --> 00:06:15,334
Oh, shit! Those were the newsletters!
130
00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:18,462
Cyril, I need a little favor.
131
00:06:18,629 --> 00:06:20,464
Okay, Carin... Oh.
132
00:06:20,631 --> 00:06:22,466
Now it's Cristal?
- CHERYL: Cristal.
133
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:23,801
[CYRIL SIGHS]
134
00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:26,368
You know? Like the champagne.
It's what hot black guys drink.
135
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:29,807
Uh, you sure about that?
- And I want Conway to drink me...
136
00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:33,644
...so I need you to hook a sister up.
- Well, I will certainly try.
137
00:06:33,811 --> 00:06:35,813
Don't try, do. And here, use this.
138
00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:38,482
[CYRIL SNIFFS THEN GAGS]
139
00:06:38,649 --> 00:06:39,817
Wow, what is this?
140
00:06:39,984 --> 00:06:44,071
Tell Conway that his Secret Santa
wants to come early.
141
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:45,364
[CYRIL GROANS]
142
00:06:45,531 --> 00:06:48,409
Or, you know, whoever brings Jewish
people their Christmas presents.
143
00:06:49,785 --> 00:06:52,025
LANA: What are you doing?
- Uh, none of your businessing.
144
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,999
What kind of spy agency
scrimps on a freaking shredder?
145
00:06:55,166 --> 00:06:58,169
Apparently the kind that scrimps
on background checks.
146
00:06:58,336 --> 00:07:00,129
Who is this guy?
- I don't know.
147
00:07:00,296 --> 00:07:03,299
But I got a bad feeling
about Mother's little "Project Conway."
148
00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:05,343
So I must be having a stroke...
149
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:08,346
...because we actually agree on something.
- Wait, really?
150
00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,598
Totally. I mean,
he shows up out of nowhere...
151
00:07:10,765 --> 00:07:13,017
...and starts trying to get all up
in everything?
152
00:07:13,184 --> 00:07:15,019
I mean, Salsa, Frodo.
153
00:07:15,186 --> 00:07:17,772
Possibly Mother.
- And what do we even know about him?
154
00:07:17,939 --> 00:07:20,942
Only that he's not circumcised.
- Okay.
155
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:24,487
Glossing over how you know that...
- We touched penises.
156
00:07:24,654 --> 00:07:25,947
No! Glossing.
157
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:29,158
But a non-circumcised Jewish guy,
that's not weird to you?
158
00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:31,619
No, why would...?
I mean, I'm not Jewish...
159
00:07:31,786 --> 00:07:34,872
...and I'm circumcised. So it can...
- It doesn't work like that.
160
00:07:35,039 --> 00:07:37,792
Lana, come on.
I think we both know it works fine.
161
00:07:37,959 --> 00:07:40,670
Oh, come on.
Not your dick, dumbass.
162
00:07:40,836 --> 00:07:43,172
Oh, my God!
This is about you and me, right?
163
00:07:43,339 --> 00:07:46,884
Oh, my God! Get over yourself!
- Hey, I am over me.
164
00:07:47,051 --> 00:07:48,678
But apparently you're not.
165
00:07:48,844 --> 00:07:50,054
[SNIFFS]
166
00:07:50,221 --> 00:07:55,476
What the hell smells like shrimp?
- Just my sensual womanhood.
167
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,228
Oh, wait. Ew.
168
00:07:57,395 --> 00:07:59,355
CONWAY:
I bet your womanhood smells divine.
169
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:03,025
Conway!
- Now, whom can I thank for these shrimps?
170
00:08:03,192 --> 00:08:07,238
Me, your secret Jew Santa.
171
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:13,244
Conway! That was amazing.
172
00:08:13,411 --> 00:08:15,621
Yes, so, uh...
173
00:08:15,788 --> 00:08:16,831
...okay.
174
00:08:16,998 --> 00:08:20,042
Oh, my God, I hope I'm pregnant.
- What are you talking about?
175
00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:23,421
The system bounced your sexual
harassment complaint against Conway.
176
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:26,424
Well, unbounce it back.
- Who am I, Tron?
177
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,342
Talk to your mother, she bounced it.
178
00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:29,844
Why?
- Hey. Whoa.
179
00:08:30,011 --> 00:08:32,430
Why would she do that?
- Don't go starting rumors...
180
00:08:32,596 --> 00:08:34,436
...about Conway boning your mother.
- Oh, my...
181
00:08:34,598 --> 00:08:37,309
[ARCHER VOMITS]
182
00:08:37,476 --> 00:08:40,938
You get any of that in the trash can?
- No.
183
00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:42,940
I, uh, missed it on purpose.
184
00:08:43,107 --> 00:08:46,610
Hey, Malory, uh, you got a second?
- I sincerely doubt it.
185
00:08:46,777 --> 00:08:50,406
It's about Conway.
- Then yes, I have entire minutes.
186
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:52,408
Isn't he just a dream come true?
187
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:56,287
Well, that's the thing.
How did you actually find Conway?
188
00:08:56,454 --> 00:08:58,706
Well, he just sort of appeared.
189
00:08:58,873 --> 00:09:01,751
Uh, yes, okay.
- Like a foundling, carved out of onyx.
190
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:05,796
Yes, but from where? I mean,
if you didn't do a background check...
191
00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:08,883
Are you an idiot?
Or do you just think I am?
192
00:09:09,050 --> 00:09:12,178
He totally checked out.
- Okay, so do you mind if I take a little...?
193
00:09:12,344 --> 00:09:16,432
Lana Kane! Just because now
you're not the only black agent...
194
00:09:16,599 --> 00:09:20,311
Hey, that is not...
- Urban. Whatever.
195
00:09:20,478 --> 00:09:24,732
You come in here
and accuse Conway of what, exactly?
196
00:09:24,899 --> 00:09:28,235
Okay, fine,
I can't prove anything right now.
197
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:32,198
But that never stopped J. Edna Hoover
from persecuting Martin Luther King...
198
00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:34,742
...now, did it?
- What does that have to do...?
199
00:09:34,909 --> 00:09:36,494
Wait, J. Edna?
200
00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:40,498
You never heard that? How Hoover was
this huge, cross-dressing chicken hawk?
201
00:09:40,664 --> 00:09:44,001
I had not.
- That's exactly the kind of slanderous...
202
00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:47,922
...and unsubstantiated rumor
I will not tolerate at ISIS.
203
00:09:48,089 --> 00:09:51,175
Think about that while on suspension.
- While I'm on what?
204
00:09:51,342 --> 00:09:53,344
What are you, deaf and racist?
- Wha...?
205
00:09:53,511 --> 00:09:56,764
I'm black.
- Oh, put it back in the deck.
206
00:09:56,931 --> 00:09:59,975
Hey, how is my lovely lady.
- Suspended.
207
00:10:00,142 --> 00:10:02,019
What?
- Malory suspended me.
208
00:10:02,186 --> 00:10:05,523
Just because I had the nerve
to ask questions about her little...
209
00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:08,692
...homeboy McJewerson.
- Whoa, Lana, honey.
210
00:10:08,859 --> 00:10:11,028
What?
- Even though it's perfectly natural...
211
00:10:11,195 --> 00:10:12,696
...for you to be jealous of Conway...
212
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:14,865
[GASPS]
213
00:10:15,032 --> 00:10:19,161
CONWAY: Then she cold-cocked you, huh?
- Yeah, with that big Flintstoney fist of hers.
214
00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:22,665
Seriously, "Homeboy McJewerson"?
- Oh, come on, I've heard worse than that.
215
00:10:22,832 --> 00:10:24,542
Yeah, but it doesn't even make sense.
216
00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:28,170
I mean, maybe if you were Scottish or...
- Hey, man, racism, anti-Semitism.
217
00:10:28,337 --> 00:10:31,715
You can't go looking for logic in it.
Here, this'll help the swelling.
218
00:10:31,882 --> 00:10:34,218
Oh, thank you. Ha, ha.
Where'd you get the steak?
219
00:10:34,385 --> 00:10:38,264
Cristal. Yet another offering
of unrefrigerated meat and/or seafood.
220
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:42,560
Yeah, she's kind of weird that way.
- She's kind of weird a bunch of ways.
221
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,229
PAM:
What you doing, Birdbones?
222
00:10:45,396 --> 00:10:48,649
Looking for a pregnancy test online.
- But there's a drugstore half a...
223
00:10:48,816 --> 00:10:51,986
Oh. You mean
that you take online.
224
00:10:52,153 --> 00:10:55,364
Yeah I want to know like, now.
- Well, thank God for them Internets.
225
00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:58,868
Okay, what is this lame meeting about?
- No idea, I'm busy and go away.
226
00:10:59,034 --> 00:11:01,412
Excuse me?
- Oh, my God, why are you still here?
227
00:11:01,579 --> 00:11:04,832
Mother called me for a meeting.
- But I thought you called a meeting.
228
00:11:04,999 --> 00:11:09,003
Oh, and by the way, you don't
call a meeting, only I call a meeting.
229
00:11:09,170 --> 00:11:12,590
CONWAY: I called the meeting.
- Which I love. That you did that.
230
00:11:12,756 --> 00:11:14,466
I know it's not standard procedure...
231
00:11:14,633 --> 00:11:18,345
...but we've got a problem.
- A problem or a blessing?
232
00:11:20,139 --> 00:11:21,182
A problem.
233
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:24,727
It's a silent submarine propulsion
system, called the Whisper Drive.
234
00:11:24,894 --> 00:11:27,271
Oh, sounds sexy.
- Would you stop it.
235
00:11:27,438 --> 00:11:28,772
Folks, please.
- Embarrassing.
236
00:11:28,939 --> 00:11:31,150
You are embarrassing.
- Jesus.
237
00:11:31,317 --> 00:11:35,279
This is Wilhelm Schmeck,
inventor of the Whisper Drive.
238
00:11:35,446 --> 00:11:38,449
Schmeck went missing
along with the plans for the Whisper Drive.
239
00:11:38,616 --> 00:11:41,619
I tracked him to South Beach.
He's arranged to sell the plans...
240
00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:44,455
...to Cuban Naval Intelligence.
If that happens...
241
00:11:44,622 --> 00:11:49,293
...undetectable Cuban missile subs
could be parked right off Miami Beach.
242
00:11:49,460 --> 00:11:52,630
Ugh. Just what Miami needs.
More Cubans.
243
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:56,550
And all we need is a stand-in
who resembles Schmeck's Cuban contact...
244
00:11:56,717 --> 00:12:00,137
Wha...? What? That looks nothing like me.
245
00:12:00,304 --> 00:12:02,556
Well, he's just a lot more handsome.
- Whatever.
246
00:12:02,723 --> 00:12:04,975
Zip it! Conway, dear?
247
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:07,019
The plan?
- Using Archer as bait...
248
00:12:07,186 --> 00:12:11,315
...we slip in just ahead of the real Cubans,
capture Schmeck, and recover the plans.
249
00:12:11,482 --> 00:12:14,068
If we could run this thing
through your condo, that...
250
00:12:14,235 --> 00:12:16,820
You have a South Beach condo?
- I, uh...
251
00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:18,739
Oh, hey, how's the, uh, lemon tree doing?
252
00:12:18,906 --> 00:12:21,575
Ra?l says
it already has tiny lemons.
253
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:23,744
That was a wonderful thank-you gift.
254
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:26,372
Well, it was a wonderful weekend.
- It was, wasn't it'?
255
00:12:26,538 --> 00:12:28,999
You were there,
in the condo, together?
256
00:12:29,166 --> 00:12:30,793
Yeah, last weekend.
- ARCHER: Oh, my God.
257
00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:32,044
[ARCHER VOMITS]
258
00:12:32,211 --> 00:12:36,423
Oh, for... See? That's what happens
when you drink all day and skip lunch.
259
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:39,176
Oh, we were supposed
to have paella.
260
00:12:39,343 --> 00:12:41,345
[ARCHER VOMITS]
261
00:12:42,972 --> 00:12:45,266
CONWAY:
Archer, come on, man, let's go.
262
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:48,102
You go! Get on the plane,
buckle in, sit there...
263
00:12:48,269 --> 00:12:50,854
...and think about how you're not
the boss of me.
264
00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:53,274
Hey, babe.
Got any extra puke bags?
265
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:55,526
Why? You taking
a moral inventory?
266
00:12:55,693 --> 00:12:58,612
Jesus, God,
what are you doing here?
267
00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:00,698
I'm trying to save...
- Our relationship?
268
00:13:00,864 --> 00:13:05,369
Lana, maybe when I get back, we can work
out some kind of bang-buddy deal, but...
269
00:13:05,536 --> 00:13:06,870
Ow!
270
00:13:07,037 --> 00:13:11,667
I want you to listen to me.
- Well then unperforate my eardrum.
271
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:13,210
Un...
272
00:13:13,377 --> 00:13:15,004
...head up your ass!
273
00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:17,047
I think Conway
is totally up to something.
274
00:13:17,214 --> 00:13:20,884
Duh! You think I'm an idiot?
I know he wants to marry Mother...
275
00:13:21,051 --> 00:13:22,886
...and cut me out of the will.
- Ugh. Archer.
276
00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:26,640
Which is why I'm going to kill him.
- Oh. Okay, well, whatever the reason.
277
00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:29,435
It's not because of the whole
black stepfather thing.
278
00:13:29,601 --> 00:13:31,645
You know me better than that.
- Yeah, I do.
279
00:13:31,812 --> 00:13:34,982
So try not to do anything stupid, okay?
Conway could be dangerous.
280
00:13:35,149 --> 00:13:36,650
Yeah. You know what's dangerous?
281
00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:38,277
Your obsession with me.
- Just...
282
00:13:38,444 --> 00:13:41,164
Seriously Lana, call Kenny Loggins
because you're in the Danger Zone.
283
00:13:41,322 --> 00:13:42,406
[LANA SIGHS]
284
00:13:42,573 --> 00:13:45,075
From Top Gun.
- Just be careful.
285
00:13:46,368 --> 00:13:48,162
No.
286
00:13:51,165 --> 00:13:53,751
ARCHER:
God, this is so classic Mother.
287
00:13:53,917 --> 00:13:55,757
CONWAY:
Yeah, it's pretty tastefully done, huh?
288
00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:58,005
No, you ass. The selfishness.
289
00:13:58,172 --> 00:14:00,174
She never shares anything with anybody.
290
00:14:00,341 --> 00:14:02,176
You're keeping that office for you?
291
00:14:02,343 --> 00:14:05,471
I need it to escape the glare
from those windows across the street.
292
00:14:05,637 --> 00:14:07,681
From the...? There's no glare.
293
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:12,102
Well, not now. But mid-April?
Every morning. For almost 20 minutes.
294
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:15,230
So you're gonna keep that huge
corner office empty the other...
295
00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:19,193
Ninety-gazillion percent of the time.
- Just because the glare is annoying?
296
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,237
Well, semi-annoying.
297
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:25,282
Okay, you're meeting Schmeck
at that cafe across the street.
298
00:14:25,449 --> 00:14:29,286
And, uh, why do you have that? Exactly?
- You never know what's gonna happen.
299
00:14:29,453 --> 00:14:33,457
Yeah, two people all alone together,
down here in South Beach.
300
00:14:33,624 --> 00:14:36,001
CONWAY: I'd rather have it and not need it...
- Uh-huh.
301
00:14:36,168 --> 00:14:38,712
CONWAY: ...than need it and not have it.
- Ah. Uh-huh.
302
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:41,465
Kind of like a condom.
Which happened last weekend.
303
00:14:41,632 --> 00:14:44,635
Oh, my...! Ugh!
- Damn, man, I was kidding!
304
00:14:44,802 --> 00:14:47,221
Look, if you're too nervous...
- I'm fine, all right?
305
00:14:47,388 --> 00:14:49,973
Just let me rinse off my mustache.
306
00:14:50,140 --> 00:14:52,810
SCHMECK:
You are more handsome in your photos.
307
00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:55,229
Oh, yeah,
talk to me about handsome.
308
00:14:55,396 --> 00:14:57,606
And you have no trace
of Cuban accent.
309
00:14:57,773 --> 00:14:59,566
Yeah, it's called tradecraft, genius.
310
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:02,319
I blend.
- Just shut up and get the plans.
311
00:15:02,486 --> 00:15:04,446
You shut up and get the plans.
- What?
312
00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:07,449
I mean, give me those plans now.
Give me those plans.
313
00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:10,577
You may have them once I confirm
the balance in my Swiss account.
314
00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:12,496
Tell him not to bother.
- What?
315
00:15:12,663 --> 00:15:14,423
ARCHER [OVER RADIO]:
Wait, what are we doing?
316
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:15,707
[CROWD SCREAMS]
317
00:15:15,874 --> 00:15:19,169
Conway! What the shit, man?
- What? Schmeck was a traitor.
318
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:22,297
Yeah, now he's all over
my 400 dollar custom shirt.
319
00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:25,634
I'll buy you a new one.
Now grab the plans before it's too late.
320
00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:30,347
It's already too late.
- Ha, ha! Yes it is, now hand over...
321
00:15:30,514 --> 00:15:33,267
Because it's already
soaked into the fibers, dumbass.
322
00:15:33,434 --> 00:15:35,185
This is linen!
323
00:15:35,352 --> 00:15:36,687
[GUNS COCK]
324
00:15:36,854 --> 00:15:39,857
And that is a Cuban hit squad.
325
00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:41,859
CONWAY:
And you might want to duck.
326
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,153
[MEN GROAN]
327
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:48,532
Oh, my God. Conway!
328
00:15:48,699 --> 00:15:51,702
That was amazing!
- Yeah, well, you know.
329
00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:54,163
No, seriously, that was like...
330
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,957
That was like, uh...
- A Charles Whitman Sampler?
331
00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,793
Damn it, yes. Seriously, thanks.
332
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,171
Oh, don't thank me yet.
333
00:16:02,337 --> 00:16:04,381
What, Conway? No!
334
00:16:04,548 --> 00:16:05,757
[ARCHER GROANS]
335
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:08,552
Now you can thank me.
- Oh, my God.
336
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:10,220
You saved my life twice.
337
00:16:10,387 --> 00:16:11,722
You'd have done the same for me.
338
00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:13,056
No, I wouldn't have.
- Ha, ha.
339
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:15,392
I was actually kind of
planning to kill you.
340
00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:18,562
Wait, what?
- I know, now I'm totally embarrassed.
341
00:16:18,729 --> 00:16:21,106
Hey, you know what?
Water under the bridge, dude.
342
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:24,401
Come over here, let's man-hug it.
- All right. Okay. Um...
343
00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:27,905
I mean, after all we are going to
be family. Once I marry your Mom.
344
00:16:28,071 --> 00:16:32,201
What?
- I'm kidding. God, relax, man.
345
00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:35,787
Because for a second there, I was like...
I mean, not in a racist way, but...
346
00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:37,206
[KNIFE THUDS]
347
00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:38,707
Conway?
- Yeah, buddy.
348
00:16:38,874 --> 00:16:42,419
Uh, are there more bad guys behind me?
- Nope.
349
00:16:42,586 --> 00:16:44,379
You dick.
350
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,298
[CONWAY LAUGHS]
351
00:16:46,465 --> 00:16:49,092
You dumbass. I set this whole thing up.
352
00:16:49,259 --> 00:16:51,637
I just needed a stand-in
for those broke-ass Cubans.
353
00:16:51,803 --> 00:16:54,181
Yeah, I get it.
- I mean, come on!
354
00:16:54,348 --> 00:16:57,100
The Chinese'll pay five times
as much for the Whisper Drive.
355
00:16:57,267 --> 00:17:01,522
And once they do? Let's just say you better
learn to use some chopsticks, buddy.
356
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:04,441
Conway, wait.
Just answer me one question.
357
00:17:04,608 --> 00:17:06,527
Yeah, make it quick. My ride is here.
358
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,570
[ARCHER COUGHS]
359
00:17:08,737 --> 00:17:12,533
And your lungs are filling up with blood.
- Did you have sex with my mother?
360
00:17:12,699 --> 00:17:15,202
Wait, what?
That is your only question?
361
00:17:15,369 --> 00:17:18,413
Not who am I,
not how did I infiltrate ISIS...
362
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:22,209
...or who the hell is flying the helicopter?
- Just answer the question!
363
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:25,712
No, Archer,
I didn't have sex with your mom.
364
00:17:25,879 --> 00:17:28,048
Oh, thank God.
- Oh, and that?
365
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,884
That would have been a tough image
to get out of my head.
366
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,928
That, right there?
That kind of racism...
367
00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:37,099
...is exactly why I can't wait to see tiny
little Chinese boots...
368
00:17:37,266 --> 00:17:39,977
...on your white-ass necks.
369
00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:43,897
Which may sound hypocritical,
I know, but...
370
00:17:44,064 --> 00:17:45,816
Would you go?
371
00:17:45,983 --> 00:17:49,361
Aah! What the...?
- Sorry, Conway.
372
00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:52,030
Oh, wait, shit, I had something for this.
- Aah.
373
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:55,450
Is it something like, uh,
"You don't get off the hook that easy"?
374
00:17:55,617 --> 00:17:57,661
Damn it.
- Yeah, he's good at those.
375
00:17:57,828 --> 00:18:00,414
Well, crawl on over there and blow him.
- Hey, come on.
376
00:18:00,581 --> 00:18:05,085
Now, drop the case, Conway!
- It's cuffed on, woman.
377
00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:08,505
Aah! And how the hell are your hands
that freaking strong...?
378
00:18:08,672 --> 00:18:10,340
[SCREAMS]
379
00:18:10,507 --> 00:18:11,800
Ew.
380
00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:15,178
You haven't seen the last of Conway Stern!
381
00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:18,348
Which is not my real name!
382
00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:21,560
ARCHER: Uh, so let me guess.
- Yeah.
383
00:18:21,727 --> 00:18:25,022
Whoever he is, he ghosted an ID file
onto our worldwide database.
384
00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:28,025
Yeah. Which you probably found
while researching me.
385
00:18:28,191 --> 00:18:29,526
[LANA SIGHS]
386
00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:31,403
Lana, because you're in the, uh...
387
00:18:31,570 --> 00:18:33,864
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
...Danger Zone.
388
00:18:34,031 --> 00:18:36,283
And those were his last words.
389
00:18:36,450 --> 00:18:38,827
Right before he bled to death on the rug.
390
00:18:38,994 --> 00:18:43,540
Which rug? Oh, good.
I thought you meant in the bedroom.
391
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:47,419
No, that one is just jute. Exactly.
392
00:18:47,586 --> 00:18:51,256
Guests come in from the beach,
they're all sandy or whatever, and...
393
00:18:51,423 --> 00:18:55,552
Suspension? Lana, dear,
you are getting a bonus. My God!
394
00:18:55,719 --> 00:18:59,598
You foiled that perfidious Conway,
saved Sterling's...
395
00:18:59,765 --> 00:19:01,975
All right, just pull the knife out.
396
00:19:02,142 --> 00:19:03,644
[ARCHER COUGHS
OVER PHONE]
397
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,188
And then slap Saran Wrap on the hole.
398
00:19:06,355 --> 00:19:08,565
Oh! But leave me enough
to make guacamole.
399
00:19:08,732 --> 00:19:13,904
No, you squeeze lemon juice over it, then
smush the Saran Wrap right down on top.
400
00:19:14,071 --> 00:19:17,949
That way it doesn't go brown.
Oh, let the paramedics do that.
401
00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:21,662
You just have fun, dear. Mm-hm. Bye.
402
00:19:21,828 --> 00:19:26,500
Oh, damn. Now I bet she's going to
squeeze up all my brand-new lemons.
403
00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:29,419
And I'll have nothing left
to remind me of Conway.
404
00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:33,090
Except his little mocha love child.
- His what?
405
00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:35,092
CHERYL: Yeah.
- You had sex with Conway?
406
00:19:35,258 --> 00:19:37,386
Yeah, and he totally
impregnated me.
407
00:19:37,552 --> 00:19:40,847
Wait, he was only here two days.
408
00:19:41,014 --> 00:19:43,725
How is that pregnancy test
showing positive?
409
00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:47,771
Oh, this is just a detergent pen.
I just put a little blue sticker on it.
410
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:41,408
[English - US - PSDH]
411
00:20:41,458 --> 00:20:46,008
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
34280
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof