All language subtitles for Anger Management s02e87 Charlie and The Epic Relationship Fail.eng

Well, we have a few minutes left.

You can tell because Ed started putting
pastries in his sweaty gym bag.

Nothing like a warm sweat sock muffin.

I've got my poker game tomorrow night

and everybody's too cheap
to bring their own snacks.

You know, Ed, you guys really
are the greatest generation...

of cheapskates the world has ever seen.

Anybody else have any big plans
for the weekend?

Well, I guess this weekend's gonna
be exactly like last weekend.

Nolan and I are gonna stay home

and watch epic fail videos on YouTube.

( Laughing )
That lady stomping on the grapes

falls out of the bucket every time.

( Beeping )

( Sighs )
I gotta go.

I told the limo company
I only wanna work nights,

but they keep calling me during the day.

Well, why don't you
just tell them again?

I don't wanna make waves.

In fact, I don't even know
if I told them the first time.

You know, Lacey,
when you were talking about

your weekend plans,
I couldn't help but notice

that you seemed... genuinely unhappy.

- How could you tell that?
- From your genuine lack of happiness.

Look, if you don't wanna
watch epic fail videos,

then why'd you agree to do it?

Because most of my relationships
are epic fail videos,

so this time I thought
I should just do what he wants

and be a good girlfriend
because I care about him.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, "blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah" quickly turns into

"hate, hate, hate, hate, hate."

Followed, in my case,
by "divorce, divorce, divorce"

and then "half my money, money, money"

goes down the drain, drain, drain."

So what am I supposed to do?

Look, if Nolan wants
to stay home and watch

weathermen accidentally draw
penises on maps, let him.

You can still go out.

- By myself?
- Or with your friends.

Time apart may even strengthen
your relationship.

- Really?
- Yes.

And on that note,

I'd like to strengthen our relationship

by kicking you all out.

Ed, just take the tray.

Anger Management 2x87
Charlie and The Epic Relationship Fail

You know, I was just saying to
myself, "I'm worried about Ed."

"I don't know if he's getting
enough pastry in his diet."

It's for my poker game.

That's cute, a bunch of
old guys playing poker.

Guess it breaks up the monotony

of doctor visits and funerals.

( Laughs )
That's funny. You play poker?

'Cause we got a game tomorrow night

and we're short a guy.

Gee, let me guess what happened.

Just shut up! And you're right.

Now, you in or out?

Well, I'm not into cleaning out

a bunch of old guys on a fixed income.

Talk about things being fixed,

looks like you got no eggs
in your carton, son.

Are you saying I have no testicles?

That's right, no testicles.

All right, yeah, sure,
I'll... I'll come to your game.

Just text me your address.

Um...

I'll just write it down.

You know, I've never been with an
air traffic controller before.

- That was amazing.
- Really?

I wasn't being too bossy?

No, no, and I really appreciated

all your help during the landing.

And you were right,
I was coming in too hot.

But you did keep your nose up.

- You're a great pilot.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

I'll call you tomorrow.

And you're parked right over there.

Lacey: Hey, skank.

Hi, Charlie.

Lacey, what are you doing here?

Well, I took your advice
and it totally made me

rethink my entire life.

Well, that's great. Good for you.

Don't take this personally,
but I have no idea

what you're talking about.

Okay, last night
I went to a club by myself

like you wanted me to.

Oh, that advice. That's right.

Well, I am a genius.

So you went out and had a good time

and now you're not
so resentful of Nolan.

Oh, no, no. I am way more resentful.

I was talking to these guys

who were so much more ambitious

and they were starting
companies and taking chances.

And then I went home and saw Nolan

sitting by himself on the couch

with a stopwatch and
an empty box of Oreos.

Did you happen to see the
time on the stopwatch?

No, but he was upset.

He said something about it took
him more than two minutes.

Yes! I win 40 bucks!

I'm sorry, you were saying?

I don't know if I can stay with Nolan.

What?

Getting out there made me realize

that I want to be with
a guy who's not afraid

to do something with his life.

I mean, Nolan won't even ask for a raise.

No, no, Lacey, you can't do this.

Nolan is good for me in so many ways

and not just because he's
an animal in the sack.

He is?

Oh, yeah.

But if he doesn't show me something,

like anything, soon,

then I don't think we're gonna
have a future together.

Lacey, I totally disagree.

I think Nolan is the right guy for you.

Let's examine some of his finer points.

- Okay.
- He really loves you,

and last night he came this
close to winning 40 bucks.

I can't believe I'm
saying this about Nolan,

but dating that stoner might be

the healthiest relationship
that Lacey's ever been in.

But I do sort of get why Lacey's
losing interest in him.

I mean, most girls say
they just want a sweet guy,

but there's still this primal attraction

to someone who could
protect you in the wild.

You been reading Sasquatch porn again?

Just a little bit before bed.

Anyway, you can't blame
yourself if they break up.

Unless you had something to do with it,

but you didn't.

Did you?

You know, sometimes I don't
like having lunch with you.

Oh, God, Charlie. What did you do?

I may have accidentally told Lacey

to spend some time away from Nolan

and she may have met some other guys.

- You what?
- I feel terrible.

I don't want my patients to get hurt.

When they first come to me,
they're like lost little puppies.

And then when your puppies start
having sex with each other,

you don't want them to break up.

Hey, Charlie. You wanted to see me?

Yeah. Jordan, would you give us a second?

- I just have a few bites left...
- There you go.

Eat it walking.

So what do you want to talk to me about?

Well, Nolan, I'm concerned

that you're not doing
enough with your life.

I'm not saying that eating 38 Oreos

in half an hour isn't impressive.

I think things are going great for me.

I got a job, I got the girl of my dreams,

and now I got Jordan's leftover fries.

Look, I know you want
things with Lacey to last,

but women tend to gravitate towards

men who are fearless,
men who are leaders.

I don't know why.

Those are the first guys
to get killed in war movies

and in horror movies
and science fiction...

Nolan, Nolan, Nolan, stay with me!

- I know you've been at that limo
job for a while now. - Yes, I have.

Have you ever just marched in there
and told them you wanted a raise?

- Absolutely not.
- Okay, well, that ends today.

You're gonna walk into your
boss's office and demand one.

- I don't know.
- You have to do this.

- Can I finish my fries first?
- Forget the fries.

You get that raise and I'll buy
you all the fries you want.

You wouldn't have to buy me fries.

I'll just have the extra
cash from my raise.

Well, there you go. You get it.

- See? Eye of the tiger.
- I worry about Lacey.

How do we know she doesn't
like me because I'm laid-back

and not like one of those guys she
used to go out with at the clubs?

Because I know.

And who knows women? I'll tell you who.
Me, that's who.

But, Charlie, you're divorced

and you haven't had a real relationship

that's lasted over two weeks.

Yes, but in each of those situations

I knew exactly what those
women didn't like about me

because they told me.

Looks like it's just
Louie, Ed, and the kid.

Everyone ready?

Aw, crap, I'm out.

Not me, I'm...

I'm feeling lucky. 300.

Thought the limit was 25.

Our last hand of the game, no limit.

- You in?
- I don't know.

I think our young fella's scared.

( Chuckles )
Maybe I should have told you to bring

an extra pair of drawers.

( Men laugh )

I would've, Ed, but I left them
at your mom's house last night.

Once again, I'm sorry for your loss.

All right.

I'm in three and I will raise you 300.

( Exhales )
You know what?

Here's 300 and, uh...

have you ever driven a Maserati?

No.

It's an Italian sports car.
Incredibly smooth ride.

Almost as smooth
as the Rascal I'm throwing in.

Okay, I'm not taking your Rascal.
You can't walk.

You'll never wait in line
for a ride at Disneyland again.

Really?

Yeah, it's awesome.

( Knocking on door )

- Louie!
- Aw, jeez, here we go.

Get outta here, Greta!

How much money have you gambled?

None of your business, woman!

Ed? How much has he lost?

I don't know, about 500.
( Sighs )

- And he put in his Rascal.
- Louie: Shut up!

Damn it, Louie. You lose
that Rascal every time!

I am done pushing you through
Safeway in a shopping cart.

It's not made for a man your size.

It's embarrassing.

I'm all in.
( Clears throat )

This watch is worth five grand easy.

Two pair.

Oh, crap.

Wait, what time is it?

Oh, yeah, that's right, it's
time to show my full house.

( All laughing )

Hold on a second.

You guys scammed me?

We always scam the new guy.
( All laughing )

Well, this is amazing. When
are you guys playing next?

Because I wanna do this to somebody.

Well, you're not a regular
member of the group,

but we'll let you bring in a sucker

under one condition... that it's Patrick.

Patrick?

Yeah, he's been sporting
a real nice Rolex watch lately.

Okay, I'll call him.

Well, there he is.

Been waiting all day for you.

So, tell me the good news.

Well, that mole on my leg that's been
getting darker and changing shape?

It's just from a leaky pen in my pocket.

- So what happened with the raise?
- Okay.

I went in there, I looked
him right in the eye,

and I told him exactly what I wanted.

That's fantastic. What did he say?

You're fired.

- What? Why?
- I don't know. I did what you said.

I didn't take "no" for an answer.

I also didn't take "get the
hell out of my office"

for an answer, so they called security

and then they didn't take "please
don't Tase me" for an answer.

Yeah, they never do.

Yeah, caught me right in the head.

I don't think it did any damage.

All right, look at me, Nolan. Look at me.

Who is the Vice President
of the United States?

That lady from "Seinfeld"?

Ah, you're fine.

Nolan, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea this would happen.

Ah, it's okay, Charlie.

I... I'd be devastated,
but luckily I got Lacey,

who's gonna stick by me no matter what.

You know what? Let's not tell Lacey.

Why? I tell her everything.

Yeah, I don't want her
to worry about you

and she's so stressed out
about other things,

like her shoe business, and
she's been killing herself

day and night to make that work.

Really? I saw her calendar.

She's going to a spa today and the rest
of the week is lunch, lunch, lunch.

Well, see, she's so stressed out,

she has to remind herself to eat.

Don't worry, Nolan, we're
gonna get you another job.

Aw, thank you, Charlie.

I really appreciate all your advice.

Except for the part that got me fired.

Yeah, that wasn't very good.

Raven, thanks for coming in early,

helping us out.

Sorry that Louie spit on you.

He was trying to whistle.

Sorry.

Whoa! We should do this
at a strip club every week.

Yes, well, it is just for today

'cause my mom is staying with
me and she hates gambling.

Okay, last card. Here we go.

Uh, I'm out.

Too rich for my blood.

Well, that just leaves
me and you, Patrick.

I'm feeling lucky.

- I got 300.
- Oh, what do I do? What do I do?

- What do I do?
- Sean!

Oh, Ma, what are you doing here?

How much money have you gambled?

Not in front of the guys, Ma.

- Greta: How much?
- I don't know, like 500.

Ugh! Damn it, Sean!

You can barely pay your mortgage

and you're gambling away
that kind of money?

But I've got a really good hand.

That's good?

All in.

700 bucks

and this Banana Republic gift card.

There's still, like, 42 bucks on it,

so you can get a really nice pair
of pants if you wait for a sale.

How about that watch?

And the watch.

I will call that with
this Italian leather jacket

worth about $2,000.

But, Sean, your dad gave
you that leather jacket

the night he died
in that hunting accident.

Don't worry, there's no holes in it.

He was shot in the leg and bled out.

So, uh, here. Full house.

Aces over 10s.

Not so fast.

Straight flush.
( Laughs )

Oh, this leather is like butter.

What the hell is going on here?

( All laugh )
We got you again, sucker!

You were in on this?

It was the perfect con
because you'd never expect it.

Me and Ed working together
like a well-oiled machine.

( Laughing )

What? What do you have...
what do you have against me?

What does a lion have
against a baby zebra?

Nothing. I was just hungry.

Hey, Charlie. Don't start with me.

I know I'm late. I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.
You look great, by the way.

You should wear that more often.

Are you on drugs?

Are you playing a trick on me?

Give me that coffee. What's in there?

I'm just in a good mood.

I told Nolan to demand
a raise to impress Lacey

and it got him fired, but...

but I got him an even better job to
replace the one I got him fired from.

- And what is that?
- Driving a prison bus.

Are you on drugs?
Are you playing a trick on me?

Give me that coffee. What's in there?

Hey, Charlie.

Well, there he is.

You ready for your first big day?

I don't know.

I'm not sure if I'm the right guy

to drive a bus full of prisoners.

I'm not good around dangerous people.

Well, sure, you are.
You're dating Lacey.

She has to tell the authorities before
she's allowed to leave the state.

Yeah, but I don't think I'm
cut out to work in a prison.

- I'm too soft.
- I work at a prison, Nolan.

But you're hard.

You are what they call a "hard woman."

I'm a hard woman? Have you smelled me?

I smell like daisies and vanilla.

Smell me!

Anyway...

I was kinda looking forward to getting
unemployment and watching TV all day.

Do you know that I've been working
for three months straight?

Except for weekends, holidays,
and that two-week break I took.

But this is a job worth getting up for.

You are a leader of men.

Because I'm at the front of the bus

and I get everywhere
a little before they do?

Yes, let's go with that.
Now get to work.

Charlie, how are you
going to convince Lacey

that driving a prison bus
is a path to greatness?

I don't know, maybe I'll tell her

that five of our greatest
presidents drove prison busses.

Oh, come on. Lacey's not
some uneducated bumpkin.

You're gonna have to do
a little better than that.

Really?

Abraham Lincoln drove a prison bus?

Yes, he went straight from bus driver

to senator to president.

That is what he did.

Yeah, but he moved up.

Nolan went from driving a limo

to driving a prison bus.

What's next?

Pushing around homeless
people in a shopping cart?

Well, hey, Reagan did that.

Let me tell you something about Nolan.

He wouldn't settle for the lousy money
they were paying him at that limo job,

so after they Tased him...

( Gasps )
He got Tased?

Yeah, with 50,000 volts of ambition.

Charlie, turn on the TV.

There's been an accident. Nolan
and the prisoners are missing.

You still think this was
an upward move for Nolan?

It may not be as bad as we think.
Right, Jordan?

They found the prison bus empty
on the side of the road.

It is carrying five vicious murderers.
( Lacey gasps )

Nolan might be dead.

You know, you really had a chance to help
me out and soften the blow a little,

but you didn't even try, did you?

Man on TV: ...in these financial times.

So call the Gold People at...

This is supposed to be
an all-news channel

and all they're trying to do
is sell me gold

and discount catheters.

If I can't afford a good catheter,

do you think I'm buying gold?!

He wouldn't even need the news

if you hadn't put poor, sweet Nolan

in charge of a bunch
of dangerous psychopaths.

Maybe he'll be okay.

He's not that sweet.

The other day he called me
a "hard woman"

for no reason.

This is terrible.

I wonder if this happened
to President Kennedy

when he was driving a prison bus.

What am I thinking?

Bad things never happen
to people like that.

Oh, hey, look!

It's Nolan! He's alive!

So we were on our way to
Tehachapi when the tire blew out

and the bus skidded and rolled over.

The guard was knocked unconscious,

but thank God the criminals were okay.

Nolan's safe! He's okay!

He's...

dressed like a janitor. What is that?

Wow, you went straight
from "thank God he's alive"

to "Project Runway" really fast.

We were basically stranded
in the middle of nowhere

and the criminals were
pretty scared because...

well, they had never been in the woods.

This guy saved our lives.

I ate squirrel.

Anyway, I spent a lot
of time in the woods

because it's cheap rent and
you can grow stuff out here

without anybody...

Anyway, uh...

I calmed the prisoners
down and I led them here.

What about the unconscious guard?

Oh, yeah, the guys carried him.

I fashioned a crude stretcher

out of a, you know...

regular stretcher.

I never saw Nolan as the kind
of guy who could do that.

It's pretty cool, right?

Nolan just took command
of five dangerous killers,

led them safely through the woods,

and didn't tell the reporter
where he grows his weed.

The guy's a hero!

Hey, guys.

( All sigh )
Nolan, thank God!

- Are you okay?
- Oh, I'm fine, yeah.

Turn on the TV.
I'm gonna be on the news.

Ah, sorry, they already showed it.

Damn it! It's the first time
I've ever been on the news

when I wasn't high after a concert,

wandering around the background

looking for my car.

- How'd I look? - You looked
great because you weren't dead,

you stupid.

Don't do that again
because I care about you.

I'm sorry I worried you.

Why did you take such a dangerous job?

Okay, that's great.

Time to go. Everybody's happy.

Look, Jordan's so happy, she's crying.

No, I'm not.

( Crying )
I'm a hard woman.

It was all Charlie's idea.

I took the job because he made me feel

that you'd find somebody
else to love if I didn't.

You what?

I told you that in confidence!

And I told Nolan in confidence.

Why can't we all stop
hurting each other?

Okay, here's your purse.

Street cleaning starts any minute.

You don't wanna get towed.

So you really feel that way?

Yeah, I told Charlie
I wanted a relationship

with a take-charge kind of guy

and last night you proved that you are.

Okay, so what now?

The first thing is, you're
done with that horrible job.

I'm borrowing money from my shoe company

and buying you a limo.

We're starting a business
and I'm your boss.

Whatever you say, Lacey.

- Way to take charge, bro.
- Thanks.

Well, that worked out
exactly as I expected.

Here's how this could have gone.

Five killers are loose in the city
and little girl picking flowers

one day finds Nolan's
body in a shallow grave.

Or she meets his friendly ghost.

They team up to solve crimes,
and they save the city.

And maybe have a little fun along the way.

You are a hard woman.

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