All language subtitles for Anger Management s02e76 Nerd.eng

So I was about to get a date
with this rich club promoter.

Hold on, hold on. I think
you told this story last week.

No, that was a different
rich club promoter.

What about the week before that?

These are all different guys. Keep up.

I'm paying you to listen to me.

So I'm talking to this guy

and my stupid friend Skylar comes over

and hip checks me out the way
with her butt implants.

Let me guess,
this was at your book club?

Yeah, like there's actually a club where
people sit around and read books.

Whatever. Anyways, I hate this bitch.

She's so aggressive and materialistic.

She'll sleep with anybody who has money.

So would you.

You don't understand.

She makes her dates
show them a bank statement

so she can see how much money they have.
It's disgusting.

You do that, too.

Yeah, I know. It is disgusting
what a copycat she is.

When I asked my last date
to show me a bank statement,

he told me I was "pulling a Skylar."

Not that I care what he thinks anyway

'cause he only has 30K
in his bank account.

Okay, everybody, see you next Monday.

Wait a minute! Wait...
I didn't get a chance

to talk about what
I wanted to talk about.

Okay, everybody, sit back down.

What's going on, Ed?

( Sighs )

It's been a year since I had sex.

- No.
- Everybody, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Sit down.

Ed has a problem
he's going to talk about

in very vague terms.

Go on, Ed.

I've been trying to work up the courage

to ask this question...

what does a guy like me

have to do to get casual sex?

Wow, wow. That's a pretty big issue, Ed.

What if we lead off with that
at the next session

so we have some time to talk about it?

Until then, Ed, try putting
yourself out there.

If you're at the grocery
store and you see a lady,

give her a wink and a smile.

Let's see that smile.

Okay, maybe just a wink.

- Patrick, wait.
- What is it?

Um, you know how Charlie's

always telling us
to help each other out?

Hey, listen, I am really late.
I cannot give you a ride.

Oh, no, no. It's not about that.

Oh, then what is it?
I've got some time to kill.

I was thinking,

Ed really wants to get laid

and I really want to teach
Skylar a lesson.

Go on.

If I tell Skylar that Ed's rich,

she'll have sex with him.

And then when she finds out that she
slept with an old guy that's poor,

we'll call that "pulling a Skylar."

I would love to see that happen, Lacey.

I really would, but selling
Ed as a millionaire?

His car is made out of duct tape.

Then I guess I'll just have to
go back to my original plan...

Tweeting mean things about her until
she develops an eating disorder.

And not the good kind.
The kind where you're fat.

Okay. There you go.

Now all your videos, photos,
and music are on the cloud.

So that video we made last night?

God is watching it?

Well, metaphysically speaking,
He probably saw the first cut.

So I guess I don't mind
Him having a copy.

I'm really happy we're
back together, Charlie.

I know, I know.

And all this computer stuff
you're doing for me is great.

I just wish I could
do something for you.

Can I get you a glass
of water or something?

No, I'm fine.

You know what?
I'm gonna get you one anyway.

I don't want this hanging over my head.

- Hey, man.
- Hey, Sean.

Look who's here. Monica.

- Remember Monica?
- Yeah, of course.

You're Monica, the great
outdoors girl, right?

Into the rock climbing and camping and...

No. I'm Monica the computer girl.

Of course you are.

That makes sense that you're not Monica

that looked like a fish
and was eaten by a bear.

Did I fix that?

Yeah, like that volcano fixed Pompeii.

Okay, I'm going to go check the
Internet connection upstairs.

- Nice to see you again, Sean.
- Good to...

Isn't that the girl
that you were dating before

that then went back
to her crazy nerd boyfriend?

Yes, but she broke up with him and
called me a couple of weeks ago.

I'm sorry, last time you were with her,

wasn't that the guy that was stalking
you through your own television?

Yes.

But he's the crazy one, not her.

Monica's totally normal.

- Charlie, did you see your phone?
- Uh, no.

Wow. You went into my phone

and changed my wallpaper
without me even knowing it.

Magic.

I know. I took that picture of
us while you were sleeping.

I look pretty hot, right?

- Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you sure do.
- Crazy hot.

Certifiably crazy hot.

Anger Management 2x76
Charlie and The Revenge of the Hot Nerd

Monica, this is incredible.

I'm watching the Bengals game live,

the picture's amazing,
there's no lag, and...

I'm stealing all these games, aren't I?

Well, technically
you're just borrowing them

from a kid who paid for them in Cuba.

So really you're just
piggybacking off the signal.

So I'm just playing piggyback.

Well, that's not a crime.
That's just adorable.

Here. I want to show you
something that I just got.

Do not tell me you got that
from a kid in Cuba.

No, you got it for me.

What?

You said you wanted
to do something for me

for everything I've done for you,

so I hacked into your PayPal account,

got access to your credit card,
and bought myself this.

From you. You like it?

Well, obviously I wouldn't
have gotten it for you

if I didn't like it, right?

You're so thoughtful.

Yeah, but let's talk about

that PayPal thing for a second.

You did what, now?

I was just saving us some time.

You're the best boyfriend ever.

Ooh, I gotta get outta this. We've gotta
get ready for the basketball game.

- What basketball game? - You said you
wanted to take me to a game last week,

so I helped you buy us some
tickets for this afternoon.

Hey, would it be okay if I got a
Lakers jersey at the game later?

Sure.

I can't believe I haven't
gotten you one already.

( Giggles )

( Crowd cheering on TV )

- Hey.
- Oh, hey. You're here.

How come you never told me that you
had the whole football package?

Because I didn't want you
busting into my place

and watching games when I wasn't home.

Okay, well, I would never do that.

But somebody else might, which is why
I am here... to stop those dudes.

So...

I can get you the same
package I got Charlie.

I can do it right now. It'll take
me two seconds on my laptop.

You need, like, my account number

from the cable company or something?

( Laughs )
Oh, you guys.

Okay, you know what I was saying before

about that one being crazy?

- I was wrong.
- You were wrong.

She's not just crazy,
she's also a criminal.

- What do you mean?
- She broke into my PayPal account

and spent $3,000 on tickets
to a Laker game.

- How were your seats?
- Oh, they were great. They were great.

They were courtside right next
to Jack... that doesn't matter!

- I've gotta end this thing.
- I don't know, man.

She seems pretty into you.
How are you gonna do it?

I'm gonna have her
buy herself some flowers

and a cute little teddy bear holding
a card that says, "Get out!"

Can you do me a favor? Can you
just wait until she's done

hooking me up with
the football and hockey,

maybe next season's baseball?

Oh, I'm sorry. Is the complete
invasion of my privacy

interfering with
your entertainment needs?

- Sort of.
- Get out.

- What, no teddy bear?
- Get out.

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?

Monica, I need to talk to you
about what you did

with the lingerie
and the basketball tickets.

You're not upset, are you?

Well, I wouldn't say upset.

I just feel a little weird that you went into
my PayPal account without me knowing it.

So I guess what I'm feeling is...

yeah, it's upset.

Well, I shouldn't be having
to ask you for those things.

They should just be here.

Well, I shouldn't be having
this conversation right now,

but here we are.

You think I crossed a line, I'll just
put the money back into your account.

It's not just about that.

- We need to talk about our future.
- I agree.

Sometimes when two people...

I just took over your identity.

- You what?
- Don't freak out.

The fact that I control
your money and pretty much

every other aspect of your life
is going to be great for us.

Of course it is.

How again?

Because now I can reward you
if you're good

and punish you if you're bad.

It's the only way I can train
you to be a better boyfriend

without worrying that you'll run away.

Oh.

- You ever seen the movie "Misery"?
- No.

Huh. Because I think
you'd really love it.

- Hey, Lacey.
- I'm a genius.

You finally figured out how
to open the hood of your car?

Very funny. There's no way to do that.

I figured out how to sucker Skylar

into thinking that Ed's rich
so she'll sleep with him.

Is this better than your idea
of putting a top hat on him

so she'll think he's the guy
from Monopoly?

Because I did not need to be
woken up by that call

in the middle of the night.

Okay, he's pretending to be poor

because he's worried about gold diggers
who want all the money he made

from inventing the artificial heart.

There is no one on Earth stupid enough

to sleep with Ed because they think

that hillbilly invented
the artificial heart.

I finally got me some
sweets between the sheets.

Ed, I'm so happy for you.

How did it happen?

Well, I was sitting at the bar and
this cute little filly walks up

and starts chatting me up.
I don't know what it was.

Well, you do look younger.
Did you dye your ear hair?

Hey, guys.

Good news. That girl I've been
eyeing for the last few months,

she finally looked at me today.

Well, that's just great for you

because Ed met a lady last night
and already had sex with her.

That's great.

That doesn't make me
feel bad about myself at all.

Well, I guess there's nothing left to do

besides show that bitch
your bank balance,

make her realize she slept
with an old guy for no reason,

and call it quits.

Now you watch your mouth.
I ain't giving this gal up.

As a matter of fact,
I think I'm in love.

- Lacey: Ugh.
- I hate my life.

How 'bout that, Lacey?

Ed's in love and he's gonna
get his heart broken.

Oh, no, wait. He'll be fine.

He can just pop in an artificial one.

Now where's Charlie?

I want to break the good news to him.

He left a note saying
he went to the bank.

What do you mean
I can't freeze my account?

- Somebody's trying to hijack my identity.
- I'm sorry, sir.

I can't freeze anything without
your wife's signature.

She's a cosigner on all your accounts.

My wife? I don't have a wife.

Oh, I see where this is going, sir.

I'm not allowed to fraternize
with our customers.

I am not trying to pick you up.

I'm trying to protect my money.

I get it, sir. You have money.
That's great.

But I need someone with the
heart of a Bengal tiger

who can make me laugh.

Okay, look.

Can I talk to anybody else
but you, please?

I'm sorry, sir.

You're going to get the same answer
from anyone at this institution.

Besides, everyone's gone
for the evening.

Well, what are you doing here?

I'm here in case
somebody has an emergency.

Okay, okay. I have an emergency.

Trying to deny the existence of your wife

and the responsibility of your
marriage is not an emergency.

You are a horrible,

horrible bank employee.

I know.

But I am a terrific mistress.

Here's my phone number.

Don't tell anyone I gave it to you.

Oh, don't worry.

Our secret will die with me.

You ever have sex in a bank vault?

No!

Actually, yes.

Twice.

Why am I still talking to you?

Sorry I'm late, Jordan. Crazy morning.

This girl I'm dating

hacked into my computer
and stole my identity.

I had to buy her shoes this morning or
she was gonna put my house on eBay.

With no minimum bid.

Why don't you go to the cops?

Hey, that's the first time
I haven't said that mockingly

to somebody tied up in my trunk.

They said that they can't do anything.

They're already backed up with,
like, 20,000 other ID theft cases

and by the time they get
to mine, I'll be dead.

But still buying boots at Nordstrom.

You know what you need to do, Charlie?

Go down to cellblock H and talk
to the best hacker in the world...

Vlad the Encoder.

Uh-uh. No, Charlie. You do not want
to go talk to Vlad the Encoder.

That guy is messed up.
I heard he ate somebody's face.

That's not true. He made a robot
that ate somebody's face.

Either way, a face was eaten.

I've grown kind of attached to this.

I think I'm gonna hold off on Vlad.

Monica: Hey, Charlie. Can you hear me?

I just figured out how to
get into your phone, too,

and turn it into an intercom
so I can listen to everything.

It'll be like I'm in your pocket.
Say something.

Sorry, I can't hear you.

I'm still at the mall
stopping for a pretzel.

Take me to the face-eater.

Thank you for coming with me.

When I tell Ed that I tricked
Skylar into dating him,

he's gonna have a heart attack.

And I don't know CPR.

And I wouldn't put my mouth
on his to save his life.

If he didn't have a heart attack
from having sex with your friend,

he ain't gonna have one now.

What are you two doing here?

Not looking down.

What's with the bat? Didn't you
look through the peephole?

Yes, I did.

Look, Ed, um, can we come inside?

I really need to talk
to you for a minute.

All right, but make it quick.

I'm entertaining my lady friend.

Look, Ed, there's something
you need to know. ( Door closes )

That girl in your bed
that you've been... oh, God.

Having... oh, God.

Having sex with.

Oh, God.

Okay. Yes.

She is a friend of mine

and I told her that you were rich,

which is the only reason
why she's seeing you.

Damn. I knew it was too good to be true.

- Doris!
- Doris?

Is something wrong?
( Lacey gasps )

Are you just using me for my money?

You've got moves like that
and you've got money?

Jackpot.
( Ed chuckles )

I'm sorry, Ed, this is all
just a big misunderstanding.

We'll just get out of here
so you guys can get back to,

you know... oh, God.

I'll let you into Vlad's cell,
but I'm gonna wait outside.

Kettles, you've got a gun.

- He's not gonna eat your face.
- I know.

But I'm gonna have nightmares
when I see him eat yours.

Well, hello, Mr. Goodson.

Welcome. Can I offer you some tea?

They let you have boiling water in here?

Nope, but they let me offer it.

I have to admit, I was expecting
someone a little more terrifying.

And I was expecting
somebody in long pants.

You have quite the reputation around here

as a, you know, eater of faces.

I just made that up to keep
the skinheads off my ass.

The only reason I'm even in isolation

is because they don't want me
anywhere near a computer.

So you've never eaten a face?

Nah, never eaten a face.
Have you ever eaten a face?

- No, I've never eaten a face.
- Oh.

- So, look, this girl I'm seeing...
- Yeah.

...she stole my identity.

I had no idea that she was capable

of that kind of devious
and manipulative behavior.

- Great body?
- Spectacular.

Kind of distracted me from her
probably obvious insanity.

So the boys gave me a heads
up about your situation

and I think I can help you.

I've been hiding this.

Nobody ever suspected the hairbrush?

Why?

Uh...

what is that thing?

I wrote this program years ago.

Just plug this into her computer,

type in this code,

and her hacking capabilities
will be immediately neutralized.

Wow. That's great.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

Why would you help me like this?

I help you and one day,

you'll help me.

Now I see why you went with
the whole face eater thing

'cause that really wasn't
very scary at all.

No? Okay, well...

maybe... what if I, like,
tilt my head down like...

( Lowers voice )
You'll help me.

That's better. Keep working on that.

Don't patronize me!

Okay, that's a guy I
believe eats faces. Guard.

Monica?

Monica: Charlie.

- Hey.
- Hey.

You're here. What's going on?

I was just doing some home improvements.

Check this out. Now you
can flush your toilets

from up to a mile away with your iPhone.

Oh, good.

Good, because I always like
to come home to a toilet

that's been freshly swirled.

- Are those for me?
- Yes, yes.

I did it all on my own.

- See what a good boyfriend I am?
- Oh, you're really learning.

- Oh.
- Hey, why don't you go put them in a vase?

- There's a bunch in the kitchen.
- I'll be right back.

- Take your time.
- You're awesome.

What are you doing?

I've got to look up the best
way to keep them fresh.

Fresh? What are you
gonna do, Google water?

Oh, Charlie.

Damn it.

You know what?
Forget these stupid flowers.

Charlie, what are you doing?

A good boyfriend is spontaneous.

I want you right now.
And we are gonna get freaky.

Ooh, what do you have in mind?

Here, take this whipped cream.

And... this chocolate frosting

and these candy sprinkles

and go upstairs

and turn yourself into
an X-rated birthday cake.

Oh, you're so cute.

I'll be up in a minute. Go.

Charlie, I just noticed this frosting

is made in a factory that has peanuts.

I'm allergic.

Oh, sorry.

Here.

- Olive oil?
- Yeah.

You're a Greek birthday cake.

Opa!

Go, go.

Sorry, Charlie, this olive
oil was also made at a...

- what are you doing?
- I'm taking back my life.

( Computer chimes )

Done. I'm free.

You can't hold me hostage anymore.

Oh, my God. A half-eaten face.

That's Vlad the Encoder's
new hacker emblem.

This is another reason
why we can't be together.

You see the face as half-eaten

and I see the face as half...

not eaten.

Wait, you don't want to be together?

No, I don't want to be together.

Oh, you should've just said that.

I'm not gonna do all this stuff to
somebody who doesn't wanna be with me.

I'm not crazy.

Another problem...

you see yourself as not crazy

and I see you as incredibly crazy.

Fine. We're done.

I'm removing my number
from your cell phone

and I'm taking away your
remote flushing capabilities.

( Sighs )
Well, I guess I had that coming.

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