Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:05,133
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played
2
00:00:05,133 --> 00:00:08,634
Songs that made the hit parade
3
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:11,734
Guys like us, we had it made
4
00:00:11,734 --> 00:00:14,734
Those were the days
5
00:00:14,734 --> 00:00:18,701
And you knew where you were then
6
00:00:18,701 --> 00:00:21,968
Girls were girls, and men were men
7
00:00:21,968 --> 00:00:26,934
Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again
8
00:00:26,934 --> 00:00:30,467
Didn't need no welfare state
9
00:00:30,467 --> 00:00:33,934
Everybody pulled his weight
10
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:38,534
Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
11
00:00:38,534 --> 00:00:44,501
Those were the days
12
00:00:47,601 --> 00:00:50,000
Oh, Barney, it's cold out here, huh?
13
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,534
- Geez. - Oh, easy!
14
00:00:51,534 --> 00:00:54,234
Geez, you nearly ungroined me there!
15
00:00:56,033 --> 00:00:58,634
All right. All right, stand it up
16
00:00:58,634 --> 00:01:00,033
over here for now, huh?
17
00:01:00,033 --> 00:01:02,100
Yeah. [GRUNTS]
18
00:01:02,100 --> 00:01:03,434
There.
19
00:01:03,434 --> 00:01:05,100
[SHIVERS]
20
00:01:05,100 --> 00:01:07,133
That's an ugly little tree, Arch.
21
00:01:09,968 --> 00:01:14,701
Maybe you could put the
bad side to the wall.
22
00:01:14,701 --> 00:01:17,100
Well, that's a thought.
23
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:18,701
Which is the bad side?
24
00:01:20,634 --> 00:01:23,067
Well...
25
00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:26,000
I think you got a choice,
26
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:27,734
'cause there ain't no good side.
27
00:01:29,234 --> 00:01:32,000
Well, that's the last time
28
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:34,901
I pick up a tree that fell off a truck.
29
00:01:37,567 --> 00:01:39,534
- Archie! - ARCHIE: Yeah, we're home.
30
00:01:39,534 --> 00:01:43,267
Oh, wow, a Christmas tree!
31
00:01:47,501 --> 00:01:50,367
Oh, now, don't look like that.
32
00:01:50,367 --> 00:01:51,834
Edith, Edith...
33
00:01:51,834 --> 00:01:56,534
never frown at a gift from nature.
34
00:01:56,534 --> 00:01:59,467
I was hoping that we could have
35
00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:01,167
a little bigger tree.
36
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:03,968
Oh, hoping, hoping, you're always hoping.
37
00:02:03,968 --> 00:02:07,467
I told you 30 years ago to give up hoping.
38
00:02:10,634 --> 00:02:12,734
Ain't you got no feelings for me?
39
00:02:12,734 --> 00:02:14,534
Look at these two hands here,
40
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:16,767
covered with needles and saps.
41
00:02:19,434 --> 00:02:20,634
You want a beer?
42
00:02:26,834 --> 00:02:29,300
with more branches.
43
00:02:29,300 --> 00:02:31,667
What do ya need branches for?
44
00:02:31,667 --> 00:02:33,834
The kid ain't gonna climb it.
45
00:02:38,467 --> 00:02:40,567
It looks dead.
46
00:02:42,167 --> 00:02:45,267
Well, it looks dead because
it is dead, Edith.
47
00:02:45,267 --> 00:02:48,734
All Christmas trees is dead.
48
00:02:49,868 --> 00:02:52,200
One of us wants a living tree there.
49
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,434
A beautiful tree is...
50
00:02:54,434 --> 00:02:56,334
a tree that, uh...
51
00:02:57,501 --> 00:02:59,667
"may in summers wear," huh?
52
00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:02,133
"A nest of robins in her hair."
53
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:04,968
BOTH: * Poems are made *
54
00:03:04,968 --> 00:03:09,934
* By fools like me *
55
00:03:09,934 --> 00:03:13,234
* But only God *
56
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:19,067
* Can make a tree *
57
00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:22,534
Yes, so show a little
respect for the damn thing.
58
00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:29,167
Archie, with Gloria and Mike and Joey
59
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,601
all gonna be here for Christmas,
60
00:03:31,601 --> 00:03:33,934
we oughta have a better-looking tree.
61
00:03:33,934 --> 00:03:35,567
Oh, come on.
62
00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:36,868
I think Edith's right.
63
00:03:38,234 --> 00:03:41,200
Well, I think you oughta shut up.
64
00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:44,267
- I think I oughta go home. - No, why?
65
00:03:47,601 --> 00:03:50,734
Blanche is there all alone.
66
00:03:50,734 --> 00:03:52,534
Well, she ain't exactly alone.
67
00:03:52,534 --> 00:03:54,334
The carpenter's there.
68
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:56,000
Yeah, but you--
69
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:59,067
You told me the carpenter's
working in the living room.
70
00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:01,701
Yeah, but he's got bedroom eyes.
71
00:04:01,701 --> 00:04:02,767
Oh.
72
00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:04,334
I'll see you at Christmas.
73
00:04:04,334 --> 00:04:06,067
Yeah, okay, Barney, yeah, yeah.
74
00:04:06,067 --> 00:04:07,734
Drop in whenever you want to.
75
00:04:07,734 --> 00:04:09,834
And we don't want you to bring
76
00:04:09,834 --> 00:04:11,701
no presents or nothing.
77
00:04:11,701 --> 00:04:12,801
Thanks, Edith.
78
00:04:12,801 --> 00:04:15,167
Leave him alone, will you, Edith?
79
00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:16,367
Hey, Barney, Barney,
80
00:04:16,367 --> 00:04:18,434
you do what you want.
81
00:04:18,434 --> 00:04:20,868
I'd rather do what Edith wants.
82
00:04:20,868 --> 00:04:22,167
Bye, Edith.
83
00:04:22,167 --> 00:04:23,834
EDITH: Bye, Barney!
84
00:04:23,834 --> 00:04:26,934
You know, Barney is a common sort of a guy,
85
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:29,534
walking around with a beer can in his hand.
86
00:04:29,534 --> 00:04:31,267
- Oh, just-- - Ahh!
87
00:04:31,267 --> 00:04:32,601
Geez!
88
00:04:32,601 --> 00:04:35,167
Oh, Edith, right on the arm.
89
00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:36,234
Just think--
90
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,334
- Oh, Edith! - Oh, I'm sorry.
91
00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:42,067
Tomorrow they're all gonna be here.
92
00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:43,567
Oh, we're gonna hear all
93
00:04:43,567 --> 00:04:46,567
about the happenings in California.
94
00:04:46,567 --> 00:04:50,667
Hey, I don't want to hear
nothing about California.
95
00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:52,834
That's the land of disasters
96
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:55,000
they went to out there.
97
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:59,834
Nothing but earthquakes, fires, floods...
98
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:02,300
movies.
99
00:05:02,300 --> 00:05:04,033
Come on out in the kitch--
100
00:05:04,033 --> 00:05:05,501
Aw, geez!
101
00:05:05,501 --> 00:05:07,200
Come on, I want to show you
102
00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:09,934
a surprise I'm making for little Joey.
103
00:05:09,934 --> 00:05:12,734
Well, if Joey's anything like his father,
104
00:05:12,734 --> 00:05:15,267
the surprise better be a hero sandwich.
105
00:05:15,267 --> 00:05:19,300
Steph and me is making animal cookies.
106
00:05:19,300 --> 00:05:21,701
Well, put a lot of sugar in 'em.
107
00:05:21,701 --> 00:05:24,167
I'm making animals and people
108
00:05:24,167 --> 00:05:27,300
from Joey's favorite nursery rhymes.
109
00:05:27,300 --> 00:05:29,067
See, there's the cow,
110
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:31,467
and the moon that the cow jumped over--
111
00:05:31,467 --> 00:05:32,868
You're eating a cow.
112
00:05:32,868 --> 00:05:34,901
Yeah.
113
00:05:34,901 --> 00:05:38,200
In about a minute, I'm gonna
eat the moon he jumped over.
114
00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,801
There's the cats and the fiddles,
115
00:05:40,801 --> 00:05:43,367
and I'm making Jack and Jill,
116
00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:45,467
you know that went up the hill,
117
00:05:45,467 --> 00:05:48,200
and I'm making 'em all out of gingerbread,
118
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:52,801
so they look like they got
beautiful California suntans.
119
00:05:52,801 --> 00:05:54,901
Ain't that cute? [GIGGLES]
120
00:05:54,901 --> 00:05:56,400
No, Edith, you know, I--
121
00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,934
I really don't think you
oughta be making cookies
122
00:05:58,934 --> 00:06:00,400
like this nowadays.
123
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:02,133
Why not?
124
00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:04,234
Well, it...
125
00:06:04,234 --> 00:06:07,400
makes you feel like you're
eating colored people.
126
00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:12,067
Whoa-ho!
127
00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:15,033
Gee, look at the size of
this turkey you bought here.
128
00:06:15,033 --> 00:06:16,100
Yeah.
129
00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:19,400
My God, it's as big as a police dog.
130
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:21,033
[GIGGLES]
131
00:06:21,033 --> 00:06:24,901
We got a great big hungry crowd coming.
132
00:06:24,901 --> 00:06:27,100
Oh, yeah, I know, the meathead.
133
00:06:28,267 --> 00:06:31,434
Archie...
134
00:06:31,434 --> 00:06:35,067
Christmas is here again.
135
00:06:35,067 --> 00:06:38,767
And may the Lord get us through it.
136
00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:42,234
And that means peace...
137
00:06:42,234 --> 00:06:44,267
and goodwill.
138
00:06:44,267 --> 00:06:46,100
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
139
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:49,801
Why do you always think you
gotta tell me that, huh?
140
00:06:49,801 --> 00:06:54,434
Listen, I got a lot of peace
and goodwill in my heart.
141
00:06:54,434 --> 00:06:56,834
They're just laying there
waiting for other people
142
00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:59,200
to bring it out of me.
143
00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:01,067
[PHONE RINGS]
144
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:04,934
God, I'd like to hit that phone with an ax!
145
00:07:04,934 --> 00:07:07,634
Maybe it's somebody you like.
146
00:07:07,634 --> 00:07:09,901
- [GIGGLES] - Aw, geez.
147
00:07:09,901 --> 00:07:11,100
[PHONE CONTINUES RINGING]
148
00:07:11,100 --> 00:07:14,701
Everybody I like stays
the hell away from me.
149
00:07:15,934 --> 00:07:17,968
Hello?
150
00:07:17,968 --> 00:07:20,667
Gloria!
151
00:07:20,667 --> 00:07:25,400
Archie, Gloria's calling from California!
152
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,434
What? The kids are calling from California?
153
00:07:28,434 --> 00:07:31,801
- Call Stephie so she can talk to her.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
154
00:07:31,801 --> 00:07:34,234
Hey, kiddo, come on down here,
155
00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:36,901
so you can talk to somebody on the phone!
156
00:07:36,901 --> 00:07:38,267
- STEPHIE: Coming!
- EDITH: How's the weather?
157
00:07:38,267 --> 00:07:40,834
Oh, good. You sound just like
you're in the next room.
158
00:07:40,834 --> 00:07:41,968
Let me talk--
159
00:07:41,968 --> 00:07:44,667
She sounds just like
she's in the next room.
160
00:07:44,667 --> 00:07:48,067
Why do people always say
that same dumb thing?
161
00:07:48,067 --> 00:07:50,300
That's good! Really?
162
00:07:50,300 --> 00:07:53,167
I want to talk. Will you give me the phone?
163
00:07:53,167 --> 00:07:54,901
- Give me the phone! - Wait a minute.
164
00:07:54,901 --> 00:07:57,567
Your father wants to speak to you.
Here he is.
165
00:07:57,567 --> 00:07:59,300
Hi, little girl, this is your father.
166
00:07:59,300 --> 00:08:00,667
How are ya?
167
00:08:00,667 --> 00:08:05,067
Ha ha ha. Edith, Edith,
gimme air, will you?
168
00:08:05,067 --> 00:08:07,400
Your mother, she's all over me here.
169
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:09,334
Yeah. Huh?
170
00:08:09,334 --> 00:08:12,501
Oh, oh, that's nice, yeah.
171
00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:16,567
You know, you sound just like
you're in the next room there.
172
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:20,501
Hey, let me ask you, how's Joey?
173
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,033
He's standing by the phone?!
174
00:08:22,033 --> 00:08:23,701
Put him on, put him on.
175
00:08:23,701 --> 00:08:26,667
He's standing right by the
phone, they're gonna put him on.
176
00:08:26,667 --> 00:08:28,601
Gimme a break, Edith.
177
00:08:30,367 --> 00:08:32,467
Hello? Hello, Joe.
178
00:08:32,467 --> 00:08:34,901
Hi, Joey! [MWAH MWAH]
179
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:36,334
Don't--don't do that.
180
00:08:38,734 --> 00:08:42,067
Hello, Joe, can you guess who
you're talking here? Huh?
181
00:08:42,067 --> 00:08:44,767
Well, wait a minute. I'll give you a hint.
182
00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:46,968
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
183
00:08:46,968 --> 00:08:48,934
Did you get it? Ha ha!
184
00:08:48,934 --> 00:08:51,634
He guessed it. He guessed
it was his grandpa here.
185
00:08:51,634 --> 00:08:53,767
And he Bronx cheered me right back again.
186
00:08:53,767 --> 00:08:55,267
He's a real Bunker there.
187
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:57,267
- Hey, listen, Joey. - Stephie, come here.
188
00:08:57,267 --> 00:08:58,634
Oh, oh, yeah.
189
00:08:58,634 --> 00:09:00,434
Hey, Joe, hang on.
190
00:09:00,434 --> 00:09:03,534
I want you to talk to a
little step-cousin of yours,
191
00:09:03,534 --> 00:09:05,133
twice removed or something.
192
00:09:05,133 --> 00:09:08,868
Yeah, I'll put-- Be nice to her,
she's only a girl, you know?
193
00:09:08,868 --> 00:09:10,934
Here, hang on here.
194
00:09:10,934 --> 00:09:12,434
All right, here, Rose Marie, here,
195
00:09:12,434 --> 00:09:13,901
go ahead and say something there,
196
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:16,000
but be quick because it's long distance.
197
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:17,767
- What'll I say? - Well, uh...
198
00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:19,367
Say--say hello.
199
00:09:19,367 --> 00:09:20,868
- Hello. - Yeah.
200
00:09:20,868 --> 00:09:21,968
Say your name.
201
00:09:21,968 --> 00:09:23,100
I'm Stephanie.
202
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:24,601
Say how old you are.
203
00:09:24,601 --> 00:09:25,801
I'm nine years old.
204
00:09:25,801 --> 00:09:27,300
Say what class you're in.
205
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,367
I'm in 4A.
206
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:30,067
Say, "I love you, Joey."
207
00:09:30,067 --> 00:09:31,267
I love you, Joey.
208
00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:33,033
- Say good-bye. - Good-bye.
209
00:09:33,033 --> 00:09:34,667
Oh!
210
00:09:34,667 --> 00:09:36,200
Give it to me now.
211
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,634
- Gloria! - That kid there!
212
00:09:38,634 --> 00:09:43,234
Oh, I'm so glad you're still there.
213
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:47,200
No, Stephie thought we was through.
214
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,968
Oh, stop, gimme air.
215
00:09:49,968 --> 00:09:52,133
Well, what time will you be here?
216
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,834
Check the time because
we're three hours earlier
217
00:09:54,834 --> 00:09:58,300
here in New York for some reason.
218
00:09:58,300 --> 00:10:00,467
Did you hear that?
219
00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,634
Good.
220
00:10:01,634 --> 00:10:03,734
- Oh, yeah. Oh! - Yeah. come on.
221
00:10:03,734 --> 00:10:05,534
Oh, uh-huh...
222
00:10:05,534 --> 00:10:07,834
Come on, let me talk, will you?
223
00:10:07,834 --> 00:10:09,868
- Uh-huh. - Oh, God. "Uh-huh."
224
00:10:09,868 --> 00:10:11,567
We're starting with the "uh-huhs."
225
00:10:11,567 --> 00:10:13,634
We're gonna be an hour here.
226
00:10:13,634 --> 00:10:16,133
[MOCKING EDITH]
227
00:10:16,133 --> 00:10:18,400
[GIBBERISH]
228
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,133
Let me talk to my daughter!
229
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:25,200
Oh.
230
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,734
What happened?
231
00:10:29,033 --> 00:10:30,033
What happened?
232
00:10:30,033 --> 00:10:32,534
Oh, no!
233
00:10:33,634 --> 00:10:35,400
Another mudslide?
234
00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:39,968
That's a terrible thing to
happen just at this time.
235
00:10:39,968 --> 00:10:42,834
They didn't lose their
"condrominium," did they?
236
00:10:48,100 --> 00:10:50,334
You mean he ain't well--
237
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,200
Oh, yeah, I understand.
238
00:11:04,534 --> 00:11:07,033
We love you.
239
00:11:09,100 --> 00:11:10,400
Yeah, I'll tell him.
240
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,501
I'm sorry, too.
241
00:11:14,501 --> 00:11:19,534
Sure, that's all right, go right ahead.
242
00:11:19,534 --> 00:11:21,534
We'll talk soon.
243
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,868
Bye.
244
00:11:35,467 --> 00:11:37,367
What's the matter?
245
00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:41,434
They ain't coming.
246
00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:46,400
Mike's back went out again.
247
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:48,501
From an earthquake?
248
00:11:48,501 --> 00:11:53,200
No, she couldn't talk long.
249
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:56,801
Her and Joey was going out the door.
250
00:11:59,334 --> 00:12:00,634
So, what's it gonna be?
251
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:06,701
I...
252
00:12:06,701 --> 00:12:10,834
I guess this little family
253
00:12:10,834 --> 00:12:14,033
ain't gonna be together for Christmas.
254
00:12:31,634 --> 00:12:34,300
Well...
255
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:37,300
this whole thing is the
fault of the Meathead.
256
00:12:37,300 --> 00:12:39,534
Oh, no, he couldn't help it
257
00:12:39,534 --> 00:12:41,434
if his back went out.
258
00:12:41,434 --> 00:12:43,801
Oh, his back.
259
00:12:43,801 --> 00:12:46,567
If it wasn't his back,
it was something else.
260
00:12:46,567 --> 00:12:48,634
- Geez. - What?
261
00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:54,501
Hollywood.
262
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,734
That's right.
263
00:12:58,734 --> 00:13:02,767
I think that he has went Hollywood.
264
00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:06,200
But they live in Santa Barbara.
265
00:13:09,434 --> 00:13:11,968
Same thing.
266
00:13:11,968 --> 00:13:16,234
Santa Barbara is only a
hoity-toity suburb of Hollywood.
267
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:20,067
Oh, what a place-- Hollywood.
268
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:24,467
Oh, that "salaciouvus"
life they live out there.
269
00:13:24,467 --> 00:13:28,267
Yeah. All them cocktail parties, you know,
270
00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:30,267
where you rub up against the likes
271
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:33,234
of "Farrah's Major Fawcetts."
272
00:13:33,234 --> 00:13:35,634
Oh, geez.
273
00:13:35,634 --> 00:13:37,734
[SIGHS]
274
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:39,934
Them alone could drive
275
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:42,667
a guy like the Meathead out of his mind.
276
00:13:43,934 --> 00:13:48,334
Oh, uh, not to mention
the nude swimming, huh?
277
00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:49,901
Edith, huh?
278
00:13:49,901 --> 00:13:53,133
In-the-nudeswimming?
279
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,968
Yes.
280
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:58,300
And the hot, bubbling "Cajuzzis."
281
00:13:59,634 --> 00:14:03,000
And everybody's hands under the water.
282
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,801
Huh?
283
00:14:06,234 --> 00:14:08,701
Oh, let me tell you, Edith.
284
00:14:08,701 --> 00:14:12,200
That Hollywood is the kingdom of the kinky.
285
00:14:14,267 --> 00:14:15,734
I seen by the paper,
286
00:14:15,734 --> 00:14:17,834
they even passed a law out there.
287
00:14:17,834 --> 00:14:19,801
You can't teach school
288
00:14:19,801 --> 00:14:22,334
unless you're a registered "fag."
289
00:14:26,601 --> 00:14:28,601
Ah, so...
290
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:30,467
stands to reason...
291
00:14:31,534 --> 00:14:33,534
a guy out there having all that fun,
292
00:14:33,534 --> 00:14:36,100
he don't want to won't
come back to New York,
293
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:38,200
spend Christmas with a...
294
00:14:39,267 --> 00:14:41,934
ordinary businessman like me...
295
00:14:43,834 --> 00:14:48,300
and a plain, wore-out housewife like you.
296
00:14:49,934 --> 00:14:51,634
You hear me?
297
00:14:55,434 --> 00:14:58,234
You ain't talking, Edith;
that ain't like you.
298
00:14:58,234 --> 00:15:00,434
I'm thinking.
299
00:15:00,434 --> 00:15:03,133
That ain't like you neither.
300
00:15:04,334 --> 00:15:07,834
I wanna think before I talk.
301
00:15:09,133 --> 00:15:11,367
Well, Edith,
302
00:15:11,367 --> 00:15:14,467
an old dog shouldn't try
to learn new tricks.
303
00:15:16,801 --> 00:15:20,000
Just-- just talk, talk.
304
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:22,667
You know, let your
thoughts trail behind you
305
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:24,801
like always.
306
00:15:28,167 --> 00:15:30,667
I'm thinking
307
00:15:30,667 --> 00:15:35,000
that since they didn't come here...
308
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:38,567
we should go out there.
309
00:15:38,567 --> 00:15:41,067
- Oh, ho ho! - Yeah.
310
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:43,200
Well, let me tell you something.
311
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:46,467
I already thought about it
and you know what I think?
312
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:49,567
I think that we should
quit thinking about it!
313
00:15:49,567 --> 00:15:52,601
Oh, now, come on, Archie.
314
00:15:52,601 --> 00:15:54,767
I got it all figured out.
315
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,300
Yeah, I know.
316
00:15:56,300 --> 00:15:58,434
Don't you think I heard you before?
317
00:15:58,434 --> 00:16:00,033
Calling up Kennedy Airport
318
00:16:00,033 --> 00:16:02,601
and scratching down all that information?
319
00:16:02,601 --> 00:16:04,634
[GIGGLES] Now, listen to this.
320
00:16:04,634 --> 00:16:06,434
No, don't tell me about it.
321
00:16:06,434 --> 00:16:10,200
We coulda gone on the super saver...
322
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,901
She tells me anyway.
323
00:16:12,901 --> 00:16:15,801
...if we book 30 days in advance,
324
00:16:15,801 --> 00:16:17,901
and stayed away for seven days,
325
00:16:17,901 --> 00:16:20,000
but it's too late for that now.
326
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:23,467
So, on Monday through Thursday,
327
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:27,033
the fare is the lowest--it's $270,
328
00:16:27,033 --> 00:16:29,701
$225 for a child.
329
00:16:29,701 --> 00:16:31,033
That's round trip.
330
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:33,801
But since we gotta go on Saturday,
331
00:16:33,801 --> 00:16:36,033
the rates for Friday through Sunday
332
00:16:36,033 --> 00:16:40,934
is $315, $225, for a child.
333
00:16:40,934 --> 00:16:42,501
That's still round trip.
334
00:16:42,501 --> 00:16:44,501
And we get free meals.
335
00:16:44,501 --> 00:16:48,300
Low cholesterol-- That's for you.
336
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:51,901
And low sodium-- That's for you.
337
00:16:51,901 --> 00:16:55,033
Kosher-- Oh, that ain't for you.
338
00:16:55,033 --> 00:16:57,200
[HUFFS]
339
00:16:59,033 --> 00:17:01,033
All major credit cards accepted.
340
00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:04,934
- Be at airport one hour before--
- [FAKE SNORING]
341
00:17:04,934 --> 00:17:07,701
Archie, are you asleep?
342
00:17:07,701 --> 00:17:09,834
I heard every word, Edith.
343
00:17:09,834 --> 00:17:11,300
What did I say?
344
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:13,100
"Archie, are you asleep?"
345
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:15,467
Listen, you better stay awake,
346
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:19,067
'cause I got something
important to tell ya.
347
00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:24,300
- Nah...
- There's a noon flight on Saturday, December 23rd,
348
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:29,467
leaving Kennedy Airport, New York to Los
Angeles, and I got us reservations.
349
00:17:29,467 --> 00:17:31,667
- Nah... - We're booked.
350
00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:33,100
All booked!
351
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:35,801
California, here we come
352
00:17:35,801 --> 00:17:38,234
Right back where we started from
353
00:17:38,234 --> 00:17:41,801
Stop that, stop that. Stop that! Stop that!
354
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,934
Now, don't be ridiculous, Edith!
355
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,167
We ain't going nowheres!
356
00:17:50,167 --> 00:17:52,534
ARCHIE: If we're going somewhere,
357
00:17:52,534 --> 00:17:55,067
let's get moving, moving, moving!
358
00:17:57,133 --> 00:17:58,734
[GRUNTS]
359
00:17:58,734 --> 00:18:01,167
What the hell did she pack in here?
360
00:18:02,968 --> 00:18:05,400
We're only going on a little trip.
361
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:08,100
You'd think we was the
Jews fleeing from Egypt.
362
00:18:10,601 --> 00:18:13,567
Did you see her put led in here?
363
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:17,501
No. Only three boxes of cookies.
364
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:19,501
Led.
365
00:18:19,501 --> 00:18:21,868
I'll be surprised if the
plane gets off the ground.
366
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:24,167
Edith, Barney'll be here any minute!
367
00:18:24,167 --> 00:18:25,968
- Be right down! - [GROANS]
368
00:18:25,968 --> 00:18:28,667
I don't want to go.
369
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:32,501
Well, neither do I, but
you're going the same as me.
370
00:18:32,501 --> 00:18:34,300
Here I am!
371
00:18:34,300 --> 00:18:37,467
I shut all the windows in case it rains,
372
00:18:37,467 --> 00:18:39,634
or snows or hails.
373
00:18:39,634 --> 00:18:42,200
And I left all the shades up,
374
00:18:42,200 --> 00:18:44,367
so burglars will think we're home.
375
00:18:44,367 --> 00:18:47,133
Yeah, but you never phoned Gloria, huh?
376
00:18:47,133 --> 00:18:49,534
Oh, I tried her all morning,
377
00:18:49,534 --> 00:18:50,934
but they don't answer.
378
00:18:50,934 --> 00:18:53,267
I hope there ain't nothing wrong out there.
379
00:18:53,267 --> 00:18:55,367
Yeah, well, if there
ain't nothing wrong now,
380
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:59,100
there will be when we three
barge in on them "undenounced."
381
00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,367
I'll try her again.
382
00:19:00,367 --> 00:19:02,133
No, Edith, there's no time for that.
383
00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:03,667
- [CAR HORN HONKS] - There's Barney.
384
00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:06,133
Get your coat on, come on, let's go.
385
00:19:06,133 --> 00:19:08,400
Oh, I forgot the turkey!
386
00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,968
What the hell are you gonna
do, Edith, kiss it goodbye?
387
00:19:13,834 --> 00:19:16,467
I'm gonna take it with us.
388
00:19:17,634 --> 00:19:20,634
That big bird on the plane.
389
00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:23,334
Edith, why don't you just
throw it up in the air?
390
00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:26,100
Maybe it'll fly on ahead.
391
00:19:26,100 --> 00:19:27,868
[CAR HORN HONKS]
392
00:19:27,868 --> 00:19:29,033
Hurry up, all right.
393
00:19:29,033 --> 00:19:31,234
At least you, go on, get out in the car.
394
00:19:31,234 --> 00:19:34,067
- No.
- Oh, well, now, if you're gonna give me trouble,
395
00:19:34,067 --> 00:19:36,767
and your Aunt Edith can't get moving here,
396
00:19:36,767 --> 00:19:40,367
I'm just gonna sit down in this
chair and burst into tears.
397
00:19:40,367 --> 00:19:43,267
- Okay, I'm ready. - Good.
398
00:19:43,267 --> 00:19:45,834
Oh, I forgot to check the gas!
399
00:19:45,834 --> 00:19:49,734
All right, I'm gonna
just sit in this chair.
400
00:19:49,734 --> 00:19:52,801
You really gonna cry?
401
00:19:52,801 --> 00:19:55,767
No. Now, will you please get into the car?
402
00:19:55,767 --> 00:19:57,934
I better go to the bathroom again.
403
00:19:57,934 --> 00:19:59,968
You done that!
404
00:19:59,968 --> 00:20:01,767
I want to make sure.
405
00:20:01,767 --> 00:20:03,968
[GROANS]
406
00:20:03,968 --> 00:20:06,167
The gas is okay!
407
00:20:06,167 --> 00:20:09,133
Hey, Arch, come on, will ya? Hurry up.
408
00:20:09,133 --> 00:20:11,567
- What do you say? - [GRUNTS]
409
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:13,968
What are you doing sitting in a chair?
410
00:20:13,968 --> 00:20:17,167
I'm having a stroke here.
411
00:20:17,167 --> 00:20:21,033
Well, have it on the way to the
airport, like everybody else.
412
00:20:21,033 --> 00:20:24,067
[GRUNTS] Oh, what do you
got in these, lead?
413
00:20:24,067 --> 00:20:25,133
Cookies.
414
00:20:28,033 --> 00:20:29,501
Oh, where's Stephie?
415
00:20:29,501 --> 00:20:32,067
She's upstairs making sure.
416
00:20:32,067 --> 00:20:34,534
Making what?
417
00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:38,100
Oh, good, here she is. Now you're both here.
Let's get going.
418
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:39,934
I don't want to go.
419
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:40,934
You what?
420
00:20:40,934 --> 00:20:42,634
I don't want to go.
421
00:20:42,634 --> 00:20:46,033
Why do kids always pull this
stunt at the last minute?
422
00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:48,467
Stephie, sure you want to go.
423
00:20:48,467 --> 00:20:50,133
You're gonna meet little Joey,
424
00:20:50,133 --> 00:20:53,467
and you're gonna have fun at Disneyland.
425
00:20:53,467 --> 00:20:55,968
I don't want to have fun at Disneyland.
426
00:20:55,968 --> 00:21:00,868
Well, now, you're gonna have fun
where I tell you to have fun.
427
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:02,901
Now get out into the car!
428
00:21:02,901 --> 00:21:05,767
- No! - Get into that car!
429
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:08,334
- No! - [GASPS] Stephie!
430
00:21:08,334 --> 00:21:11,100
- Oh, no, Archie, no, please, don't do that.
- Let me get my hands on her.
431
00:21:11,100 --> 00:21:13,567
No, Archie, no. Stop.
432
00:21:13,567 --> 00:21:15,334
Edith, I'll only use one hand.
433
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,934
Let me talk to her.
434
00:21:19,934 --> 00:21:25,868
Stephie, don't you want to go with me?
435
00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:27,000
No.
436
00:21:28,567 --> 00:21:30,601
- All right. I'll handle this now.
- No, please.
437
00:21:30,601 --> 00:21:33,701
Take it easy. I swear I
ain't gonna belt her.
438
00:21:33,701 --> 00:21:36,400
Remember Gloria when she was 9,
439
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:40,367
and we was trying to take the trip
up to East Durham in the Catskills?
440
00:21:40,367 --> 00:21:43,634
- Oh, please, don't do that.
- You don't want to miss that plane.
441
00:21:43,634 --> 00:21:45,934
You don't wanna miss the plane.
Now, go on, get going.
442
00:21:45,934 --> 00:21:47,234
I'll handle it. Go on.
443
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:56,300
Don't be too long, Archie.
444
00:21:56,300 --> 00:21:59,033
You don't want to go with us, huh?
445
00:21:59,033 --> 00:22:00,534
No.
446
00:22:00,534 --> 00:22:02,667
You want to stay here by yourself
447
00:22:02,667 --> 00:22:04,501
for the next week or so, huh?
448
00:22:04,501 --> 00:22:06,901
- Yeah. - Yeah, well... what?
449
00:22:06,901 --> 00:22:09,167
You don't have to run. I ain't
gonna grab ya or nothing.
450
00:22:09,167 --> 00:22:10,968
You want to stay here, that's okay.
451
00:22:10,968 --> 00:22:13,934
Hey, there's plenty of food
out there in the ice box,
452
00:22:13,934 --> 00:22:17,200
and you learned a little about
cooking from your Aunt Edith there.
453
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,968
You can take care of the
house, a big girl like you.
454
00:22:19,968 --> 00:22:22,133
Starts to get cold, there's
the gauge over there;
455
00:22:22,133 --> 00:22:24,167
you shove it up a little bit there.
456
00:22:24,167 --> 00:22:27,901
Only thing is you gotta stay
in the house all the time.
457
00:22:27,901 --> 00:22:31,100
You can't go nowheres and you can't
let nobody in the front door,
458
00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:32,767
or in the back door neither.
459
00:22:32,767 --> 00:22:35,501
And the most important thing of all.
460
00:22:37,434 --> 00:22:41,601
You know that little door
to the attic up there?
461
00:22:43,601 --> 00:22:44,601
Yeah.
462
00:22:44,601 --> 00:22:49,033
That door must be kept locked,
463
00:22:49,033 --> 00:22:50,634
by day...
464
00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:54,634
and by night.
465
00:22:57,701 --> 00:22:58,934
Why?
466
00:22:58,934 --> 00:23:01,901
Oh, ho-ho.
467
00:23:01,901 --> 00:23:03,834
What you don't know...
468
00:23:05,334 --> 00:23:06,801
...won't hurt you.
469
00:23:17,634 --> 00:23:19,767
So that's it.
470
00:23:19,767 --> 00:23:22,634
You stay here all alone!
471
00:23:22,634 --> 00:23:26,067
We'll see you in nine, ten days or so.
472
00:23:26,067 --> 00:23:28,567
Have a nice time, all by yourself.
473
00:23:28,567 --> 00:23:29,667
Merry Christmas.
474
00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:33,467
And...
475
00:23:33,467 --> 00:23:35,601
[LOW-PITCHED] don't be scared.
476
00:23:40,267 --> 00:23:42,734
Five, four,
477
00:23:42,734 --> 00:23:44,601
three, two,
478
00:23:44,601 --> 00:23:45,701
one...
479
00:23:45,701 --> 00:23:48,334
STEPHANIE: Aunt Edith!
480
00:23:48,334 --> 00:23:50,400
Here I am!
481
00:23:50,400 --> 00:23:52,434
[HORN HONKS]
482
00:23:52,434 --> 00:23:54,367
Just locking the door, Barney!
483
00:23:54,367 --> 00:23:57,634
Here I come right back--
484
00:23:57,634 --> 00:23:59,601
Hey, Barney, your dog is on my lawn.
485
00:24:20,167 --> 00:24:22,968
[
]
486
00:24:38,834 --> 00:24:41,834
All in the Family was
played to a studio audience
487
00:24:41,834 --> 00:24:43,667
for live responses.
488
00:24:43,717 --> 00:24:48,267
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
33779
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof