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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:04,601
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,601 --> 00:00:07,934
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,934 --> 00:00:11,100
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:13,501
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,501 --> 00:00:17,234
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:20,400
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:25,567
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:28,734
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:31,701
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,701 --> 00:00:35,701
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,701 --> 00:00:41,567
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:55,767
Uh-oh.
13
00:00:57,434 --> 00:00:58,868
Oh, jeez.
14
00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:05,100
[PHONE RINGS]
15
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,467
You think they'd
invent a phone bell
16
00:01:08,467 --> 00:01:10,434
that wouldn't stop your heart.
17
00:01:12,067 --> 00:01:15,901
EDITH: Archie,
I'm still putting Joey to bed.
18
00:01:15,901 --> 00:01:17,534
Would you get that?
19
00:01:17,534 --> 00:01:19,801
The hell with it.
It ain't for me.
20
00:01:19,801 --> 00:01:24,667
Oh, please, Archie!
Mike's expecting an important call!
21
00:01:24,667 --> 00:01:26,767
Oh, jeez. All right.
22
00:01:26,767 --> 00:01:28,934
( phone rings )
All right!
23
00:01:28,934 --> 00:01:31,968
Well, all right, all right!
24
00:01:31,968 --> 00:01:34,734
All right.
You made me jump, you know that?
25
00:01:36,567 --> 00:01:40,100
No, no, no,
Stivic is out somewhere.
26
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:43,200
Long distance.
Santa Barbara.
27
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:45,300
California?
28
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,968
Well, which is it--
Santa Barbara or California?
29
00:01:49,834 --> 00:01:52,834
Well, why didn't you
tell me that to start with?
30
00:01:52,834 --> 00:01:55,901
If it's a collect call,
I mean, Stivic can't pay
31
00:01:55,901 --> 00:01:58,234
because he's
a down-at-the-heel teacher, see.
32
00:01:58,234 --> 00:02:00,968
Who is it?
Shush. Let me take it, will ya?
33
00:02:00,968 --> 00:02:02,701
What's the name?
34
00:02:02,701 --> 00:02:04,534
Dean Schlosaman?
35
00:02:04,534 --> 00:02:07,534
All right, let me get
a piece of paper. I'll write it down here, huh?
36
00:02:07,534 --> 00:02:11,234
Hold on here.
Now, all right, go ahead.
37
00:02:11,234 --> 00:02:12,901
What's the name?
Archie, here.
38
00:02:12,901 --> 00:02:15,667
Don't take the phone
away from me!
39
00:02:15,667 --> 00:02:18,300
What is it?
40
00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:19,367
Dean Schlosaman.
41
00:02:19,367 --> 00:02:21,701
Well, you're gonna
have to spell that.
42
00:02:21,701 --> 00:02:25,400
Well, hold it.
Spell Dean first, will ya?
43
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:28,734
Archie, give it to me.
I'll take it.
44
00:02:28,734 --> 00:02:33,501
Take it! Take it!
Some damn fool thinks his name is Schlosaman.
45
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:38,000
Hello? I'll be glad
to take the message.
46
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:40,801
No, this is a different person.
47
00:02:44,767 --> 00:02:47,167
Tell him how different you are.
48
00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:54,734
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
49
00:02:54,734 --> 00:02:58,334
Oh, jeez.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
50
00:02:58,334 --> 00:03:00,601
Can't you try
to speak English good?
51
00:03:00,601 --> 00:03:02,701
Edith, just say yes.
52
00:03:02,701 --> 00:03:04,367
Yes.
53
00:03:04,367 --> 00:03:05,467
Yeah!
54
00:03:07,801 --> 00:03:10,601
Yeah, I'll be glad to.
55
00:03:10,601 --> 00:03:12,701
Thank you very much.
56
00:03:12,701 --> 00:03:14,767
Oh...
57
00:03:14,767 --> 00:03:16,267
Oh, what?
58
00:03:16,267 --> 00:03:17,834
What's that all about?
59
00:03:17,834 --> 00:03:20,767
I don't know
how to tell you.
60
00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:23,734
That never
stopped ya before.
61
00:03:23,734 --> 00:03:29,767
Archie, Mike is gonna
take a teachin' job
62
00:03:29,767 --> 00:03:31,834
in California.
63
00:03:33,100 --> 00:03:36,567
Oh, he is
in a horse's patoot.
64
00:03:38,133 --> 00:03:40,667
And take Gloria
and little Joey with him?
65
00:03:40,667 --> 00:03:42,234
I ain't gonna let him
take my little family
66
00:03:42,234 --> 00:03:45,801
way out to the coast
950 miles away.
67
00:03:45,801 --> 00:03:48,033
He's gonna do it, Archie.
68
00:03:48,033 --> 00:03:51,567
It's a better job,
and he'll get more money.
69
00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:55,000
He's gonna be
an associate professor,
70
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:59,767
and he's gonna make
$21,800 a year.
71
00:03:59,767 --> 00:04:01,934
Don't talk
to me about money.
72
00:04:01,934 --> 00:04:04,267
I ain't a man
who thinks about money.
73
00:04:04,267 --> 00:04:06,367
That don't
mean nothin' to me.
74
00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:08,000
He's gonna
take away the fa--
75
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,601
He's gonna
take away my darlin' little grandson Joey,
76
00:04:10,601 --> 00:04:12,601
just when the kid's
beginning to smell good.
77
00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:20,200
I'm gonna miss Joey
no matter how he smells.
78
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:23,367
Well, why are you sittin'
on this information?
79
00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:25,100
I never heard nothin'
about this before.
80
00:04:25,100 --> 00:04:26,634
Why am I always
the last person
81
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:27,968
to hear
any kind of new--
82
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,300
Here, here,
give me that message.
83
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:30,734
Oh, no.
84
00:04:30,734 --> 00:04:32,234
Give me it.
85
00:04:32,234 --> 00:04:34,334
No. No, it's Mike's.
86
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:36,367
Edith, Edith,
Edith, Edith,
87
00:04:36,367 --> 00:04:39,767
I just want, you know,
before he makes any "remitments" out there,
88
00:04:39,767 --> 00:04:41,000
to talk to him.
89
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,100
Maybe I can get him
scared of California, see?
90
00:04:43,100 --> 00:04:45,601
Archie,
you can't do that.
91
00:04:45,601 --> 00:04:47,167
Edith, I don't
wanna argue with you.
92
00:04:47,167 --> 00:04:48,667
Would you
fork it over, huh?
93
00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:50,734
No, I ain't forkin'.
94
00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:55,701
Give me that.
95
00:04:55,701 --> 00:04:57,067
Give me that, now.
96
00:05:00,234 --> 00:05:03,434
Oh, ain't that
lovely here.
97
00:05:03,434 --> 00:05:07,367
Do you think
that suppository's gonna be safe from me there?
98
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:10,801
Give me that.
99
00:05:10,801 --> 00:05:12,467
Give me that.
Give me that.
100
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:19,334
Where did you learn
a low-class dodge like that?
101
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,534
That's a high-class dodge.
102
00:05:23,534 --> 00:05:26,701
Bette Davis done it,
and Joan Crawford,
103
00:05:26,701 --> 00:05:28,868
Claudette Colbert,
Loretta Young,
104
00:05:28,868 --> 00:05:30,868
they all done this.
105
00:05:30,868 --> 00:05:33,300
"They all done this."
106
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:36,300
Well, Clark Gable
and Spencer Tracy and Tyrone Power
107
00:05:36,300 --> 00:05:38,067
and Archie Bunker
all done this here!
108
00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:40,467
( screaming )
109
00:05:40,467 --> 00:05:42,567
Give me!
Give me that!
110
00:05:42,567 --> 00:05:46,767
Edith, give me that!
111
00:05:46,767 --> 00:05:49,334
Come on, now.
Come on, now, Edith.
112
00:05:49,334 --> 00:05:53,033
Edith, Edith, I want it!
113
00:05:53,033 --> 00:05:55,334
No, I ain't
givin' it to you.
114
00:05:56,734 --> 00:05:59,434
Edith,
I gotta have it!
115
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,968
You're an animal.
116
00:06:21,901 --> 00:06:24,100
I wasn't doin'
nothing wrong there.
117
00:06:24,100 --> 00:06:27,133
Maybe not, but you sure
had a hand in it.
118
00:06:28,534 --> 00:06:31,033
You filthy guy.
119
00:06:31,033 --> 00:06:33,667
I didn't think
you two did that.
120
00:06:33,667 --> 00:06:35,033
ARCHIE:
Ah, shut up, you.
121
00:06:35,033 --> 00:06:36,267
Give me.
Give me that.
122
00:06:36,267 --> 00:06:39,400
No, no! Mike, your call
came from California.
123
00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,934
The call ca--
Honey, the ca--
124
00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:43,734
They told me
that if they called me
125
00:06:43,734 --> 00:06:45,067
that means I got the job!
126
00:06:45,067 --> 00:06:46,567
Oh, Michael.
I got the job, honey!
127
00:06:46,567 --> 00:06:48,567
I'm gonna be
an associate professor!
128
00:06:48,567 --> 00:06:50,300
I'm goin' to California!
129
00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:51,934
We're going to California!
130
00:06:51,934 --> 00:06:53,667
♪ California, here I come ♪
131
00:06:53,667 --> 00:06:55,400
♪ Right back where
I started from ♪
132
00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:58,534
Talk, talk, talk.
Jeez, shut up!
133
00:06:58,534 --> 00:06:59,567
Honey, honey,
134
00:06:59,567 --> 00:07:01,334
it's a whole
new life for us.
135
00:07:01,334 --> 00:07:03,367
New challenges,
new experiences,
136
00:07:03,367 --> 00:07:05,434
a chance to broaden my
intellectual horizons,
137
00:07:05,434 --> 00:07:06,567
more money!
138
00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:10,968
Honey, we're goin'
to California!
139
00:07:10,968 --> 00:07:14,267
Michael, we're goin'
to California!
140
00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:22,000
( crying )
141
00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:25,701
Oh, Gloria,
please don't cry.
142
00:07:25,701 --> 00:07:29,000
Wait a minute, let her cry.
143
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:30,234
She's got a right to cry.
144
00:07:30,234 --> 00:07:32,634
Let me tell you
somethin', little girl.
145
00:07:32,634 --> 00:07:35,701
I mean, nobody,
and when I say "nobody,"
146
00:07:35,701 --> 00:07:37,300
I mean nobody normal,
147
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:39,701
thinks about goin' out
to California.
148
00:07:39,701 --> 00:07:42,968
I mean, that's the land
of fruits and nuts.
149
00:07:45,901 --> 00:07:48,834
And every fruit's
a little nutty,
150
00:07:48,834 --> 00:07:51,601
and every nut's
a little fruity.
151
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,534
So--So what
are you saying?
152
00:07:56,534 --> 00:07:58,501
There's nothin' nice
about California?
153
00:07:58,501 --> 00:08:02,934
The only classy thing I know
to come out of California's the roller derby.
154
00:08:02,934 --> 00:08:05,667
Arch, California's great.
155
00:08:05,667 --> 00:08:07,601
Why do you think
everybody's movin' out there?
156
00:08:07,601 --> 00:08:09,634
Because they're all nuts
or they're broke
157
00:08:09,634 --> 00:08:11,834
or they're jumpin' bail
or somethin'.
158
00:08:11,834 --> 00:08:14,567
Don't you know that
California is the home
159
00:08:14,567 --> 00:08:16,534
of where it's gonna occur,
160
00:08:16,534 --> 00:08:19,567
the world's worst
"catastroph"?
161
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:22,968
"Catastroph"?
162
00:08:22,968 --> 00:08:25,767
Yes, dumbbell.
163
00:08:25,767 --> 00:08:27,033
Don't you know that
California's
164
00:08:27,033 --> 00:08:28,334
sittin' on
a shelf out there?
165
00:08:28,334 --> 00:08:29,834
The call that
the Pacific Shelf there.
166
00:08:29,834 --> 00:08:31,133
There's three states
on that shelf--
167
00:08:31,133 --> 00:08:33,067
Oregon, California,
Missouri.
168
00:08:37,801 --> 00:08:40,000
Don't you know the day
of the big earthquake,
169
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:43,067
them three states
gonna be shoved right off of that shelf there?
170
00:08:43,067 --> 00:08:45,601
They call that
the Continental Divide.
171
00:08:47,100 --> 00:08:48,267
What?
172
00:08:48,267 --> 00:08:51,601
Yes, yes, the Pope
new about this years ago.
173
00:08:51,601 --> 00:08:55,167
He said it was
St. Andrew's fault.
174
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:59,067
Look at me
when I'm talkin' to you!
175
00:08:59,067 --> 00:09:00,834
Oh, Archie, I don't
think God
176
00:09:00,834 --> 00:09:03,801
would push all them people
off a shelf.
177
00:09:03,801 --> 00:09:06,634
Oh, what the hell
do you know about God?
178
00:09:06,634 --> 00:09:08,501
I'll tell you
what God would do.
179
00:09:08,501 --> 00:09:10,167
He's gonna
dump California.
180
00:09:10,167 --> 00:09:12,267
He's just waitin'
till the last of the crazies
181
00:09:12,267 --> 00:09:14,000
get out there...
182
00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:19,434
...and these two here
183
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:22,400
may be the last
couple of dummies.
184
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,033
Arch, you are not gonna put
a damper on this for me.
185
00:09:25,033 --> 00:09:27,868
I'm calling California
to give 'em my acceptance.
186
00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:30,100
Daddy, we had
to leave sometime.
187
00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:31,634
Now, we're all
just gonna have
188
00:09:31,634 --> 00:09:33,501
to get used
to the idea.
189
00:09:33,501 --> 00:09:34,534
Oh, all right, all right,
190
00:09:34,534 --> 00:09:36,200
let it happen.
191
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:37,601
As the Puerto Rican said
192
00:09:37,601 --> 00:09:39,100
as they was
readin' him his rights,
193
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:42,100
"Que seru seru."
194
00:09:42,100 --> 00:09:45,968
Yeah, can I have operator six
in Santa Barbara please?
195
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:49,100
Oh, oh, jeez.
196
00:09:49,100 --> 00:09:51,767
You got my medicine
handy there, Edith?
197
00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,767
What medicine?
198
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:56,601
You know, the little pills
I take to keep from dyin'?
199
00:09:57,901 --> 00:10:00,033
Oh, Archie.
200
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:03,067
Oh, you forgot 'em
again there, huh, darlin'?
201
00:10:03,067 --> 00:10:05,567
Well, you see,
just wait, little girl.
202
00:10:05,567 --> 00:10:07,200
You know, anybody that's got
203
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,968
this arterial "influction"
there you know,
204
00:10:09,968 --> 00:10:14,133
it's where the arterials,
they kind of swell up on you there, see,
205
00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:15,968
and then, you know,
206
00:10:15,968 --> 00:10:19,000
they could explode
all over the wall paper.
207
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,334
Yeah, uh, thank you
very much, operator.
208
00:10:21,334 --> 00:10:22,434
I'll try again later.
209
00:10:22,434 --> 00:10:24,801
Well then, Daddy,
if you're so sick,
210
00:10:24,801 --> 00:10:27,434
maybe we should
call a doctor, huh?
211
00:10:27,434 --> 00:10:29,167
Oh, no, don't bother
with the doctor.
212
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:31,000
No, you don't--
No, don't call the doctor
213
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:32,534
because I--I feel a...
214
00:10:32,534 --> 00:10:34,000
( burps )
215
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,234
Good, there it goes.
216
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:36,901
It's just gas.
217
00:10:36,901 --> 00:10:40,067
It's another crisis
passed there.
218
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:43,234
Look, Arch,
we know how you feel,
219
00:10:43,234 --> 00:10:46,267
but this job is a big
opportunity for me.
220
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:48,434
Why do you wanna make us
feel guilty about it?
221
00:10:48,434 --> 00:10:52,300
Who the hell is tryin'
to make youse feel guilty about anything there?
222
00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:54,100
Hey, you don't have
to feel nothin'.
223
00:10:54,100 --> 00:10:57,567
Hey, youse two
don't even have to come to our funerals there.
224
00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:00,567
No, that's all right,
little girl,
225
00:11:00,567 --> 00:11:04,467
you know, you leave us two
here to die alone, you know?
226
00:11:04,467 --> 00:11:09,300
And when your mother goes,
I'll send you her ashes there,
227
00:11:09,300 --> 00:11:12,100
and then later on after I go,
I'll send you mine.
228
00:11:13,601 --> 00:11:15,968
And then you'll have
all the ashes there
229
00:11:15,968 --> 00:11:19,267
in two big urns marked
"his" and "hers," see,
230
00:11:19,267 --> 00:11:22,634
so you'll know which one
to dust on Mother's Day.
231
00:11:22,634 --> 00:11:27,767
Oh, Archie,
I think you're lookin' on the dark side.
232
00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:31,634
Arch, Gloria and I have given
this move a lot of thought.
233
00:11:31,634 --> 00:11:33,133
Let me ask you this--
234
00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:35,400
Did you give a lot of thought
to George Jefferson,
235
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,300
the owner of this house,
your landlord here,
236
00:11:37,300 --> 00:11:39,667
112 pounds of hate,
237
00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:41,634
the only black man I know
238
00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:44,434
that calls
Abraham Lincoln a honky?
239
00:11:44,434 --> 00:11:46,367
Do you think
George Jefferson's
240
00:11:46,367 --> 00:11:48,868
gonna let you walk
out of his house like that?
241
00:11:48,868 --> 00:11:50,467
Yes, I called
George Jefferson,
242
00:11:50,467 --> 00:11:52,100
and I told him
this might happen,
243
00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:53,234
we made an agreement.
244
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,200
He told me that we
could break the lease
245
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,334
if we'd leave as soon
as he found a buyer.
246
00:11:57,334 --> 00:11:59,601
Now, I'm calling California,
and trying 'em again.
247
00:11:59,601 --> 00:12:02,033
Archie, don't feel bad.
248
00:12:02,033 --> 00:12:04,300
If Mike and Gloria
are happy, Shh.
249
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:05,801
we can be happy, too.
250
00:12:05,801 --> 00:12:07,467
What the hell are you
talkin' about, happy?
251
00:12:07,467 --> 00:12:08,667
Who's happy?
252
00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:10,601
This guy over here
is happy, that's all.
253
00:12:10,601 --> 00:12:13,167
Look at the face on my
little girl over there.
254
00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,601
Is that happy?
255
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,501
Are you happy,
little girl?
256
00:12:16,501 --> 00:12:19,634
Yes, Daddy, I'm happy.
257
00:12:19,634 --> 00:12:22,267
Are you really happy?
258
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:25,601
Yes, I'm very happy.
259
00:12:28,133 --> 00:12:30,868
Will you stop
playing the fool?
260
00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:35,501
Now, you may think
you're happy now,
261
00:12:35,501 --> 00:12:37,400
but when you get out to
California,
262
00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,901
and little Joey wakes up
in the mornin' and he says,
263
00:12:39,901 --> 00:12:41,634
"Mommy,
where's my little room?"
264
00:12:41,634 --> 00:12:43,434
Are you gonna be happy
there, little girl?
265
00:12:43,434 --> 00:12:44,834
Look, look, look at me.
266
00:12:44,834 --> 00:12:46,167
Are you gonna
be happy then?
267
00:12:46,167 --> 00:12:47,834
When he says,
"Where's my little window
268
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:50,367
that I used to look out,
and see grandma and grandpa's house?"
269
00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:51,934
You're gonna be happy
then, little girl?
270
00:12:51,934 --> 00:12:53,400
Look--huh?
271
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:55,133
You ain't gonna
be happy then.
272
00:12:55,133 --> 00:12:56,934
And when he says,
"Where's my grandpa
273
00:12:56,934 --> 00:12:58,901
"that took me
for walks in the park,
274
00:12:58,901 --> 00:13:00,167
"tells me fairy stories,
275
00:13:00,167 --> 00:13:01,501
put me to sleep at night?"
276
00:13:01,501 --> 00:13:02,934
You gonna
be happy then, huh?
277
00:13:02,934 --> 00:13:06,000
Huh, little girl, huh?
278
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,501
You gonna be happy
when he says,
279
00:13:07,501 --> 00:13:08,868
"Where's my grandmother,
280
00:13:08,868 --> 00:13:11,200
give me chocolate milk
and cookies?"
281
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,501
( sighs )
282
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,868
The sound you just heard
283
00:13:15,868 --> 00:13:18,767
is of a breakin' heart
over there.
284
00:13:18,767 --> 00:13:20,734
And what are you
gonna say, huh,
285
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:22,267
when little Joey says,
286
00:13:22,267 --> 00:13:24,868
"Where's my grandma
and my grandma?"
287
00:13:24,868 --> 00:13:27,167
You'll say,
"Oh, they're still here.
288
00:13:27,167 --> 00:13:29,667
They're in them two jugs
on the mantelpiece there."
289
00:13:29,667 --> 00:13:34,667
Huh? Hey, is that gonna make
you happy, little girl, huh?
290
00:13:34,667 --> 00:13:37,367
Huh? Huh?
Yeah, look there.
291
00:13:37,367 --> 00:13:39,801
Don't hold in sadness,
it ain't good for you, little girl.
292
00:13:39,801 --> 00:13:40,834
( crying )
293
00:13:40,834 --> 00:13:42,801
There you are!
294
00:13:42,801 --> 00:13:44,701
That's it! That's it.
295
00:13:44,701 --> 00:13:46,601
You see what you done
over here?
296
00:13:49,834 --> 00:13:51,934
Oh, you're the right
kind of a guy
297
00:13:51,934 --> 00:13:53,801
to smash up a family.
298
00:13:53,801 --> 00:13:56,167
Th-Thank you very much,
Dean Schlossman.
299
00:13:56,167 --> 00:13:58,567
I really
appreciate this offer,
300
00:13:58,567 --> 00:14:00,834
and my final word
is a big yes.
301
00:14:00,834 --> 00:14:02,467
( crying loudly )
302
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,334
No, no,
that was nothing.
303
00:14:04,334 --> 00:14:07,567
It was just some fire engines
passing the house.
304
00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:10,000
We'll be out there
in two weeks.
305
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,767
Hey, don't bet on it,
funny-name.
306
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,367
Yeah, thank you
very much. Goodbye.
307
00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:18,100
...And then,
on the mantelpiece!
308
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,501
Yoo-hoo! Daddy, we're back!
309
00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:31,667
We got some more boxes
at Ferguson's!
310
00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:33,667
Archie, where are you?
311
00:14:33,667 --> 00:14:39,934
Would you believe they got
a chocolate cake out there with moustache tracks in it?
312
00:14:39,934 --> 00:14:41,701
Let me sit
in my chair, huh?
313
00:14:41,701 --> 00:14:43,167
It's my house.
314
00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:45,968
But we said this is my chair
when I'm over here, didn't we?
315
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:47,934
Come on, I'm tired.
Let me sit down there.
316
00:14:47,934 --> 00:14:49,601
Okay, okay.
Two more weeks,
317
00:14:49,601 --> 00:14:52,434
you won't have Michael Stivic
to kick around anymore.
318
00:14:52,434 --> 00:14:55,501
Did anymore people
come to look at the house?
319
00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:57,100
Oh, jeez,
you should see the people
320
00:14:57,100 --> 00:14:59,267
Jefferson's
sendin' over here.
321
00:14:59,267 --> 00:15:01,400
There was a big,
fat dentist's nurse
322
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,367
full of perspiration,
you know,
323
00:15:03,367 --> 00:15:04,667
with a button-nose
324
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:06,634
that whistled
whenever she breathed.
325
00:15:08,267 --> 00:15:11,000
And then, would you believe
a family of midgets
326
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,534
by the name of the Bambinis?
327
00:15:13,534 --> 00:15:15,234
No.
328
00:15:15,234 --> 00:15:16,501
Oh, it's true.
329
00:15:16,501 --> 00:15:18,234
You couldn't tell
the parents from the kids
330
00:15:18,234 --> 00:15:19,934
till the old man
lit up a cigar.
331
00:15:21,868 --> 00:15:23,467
He was walkin' around here,
332
00:15:23,467 --> 00:15:26,367
talkin' about lowerin'
all the doorknobs.
333
00:15:27,767 --> 00:15:29,567
Well, I hope
you didn't say anything
334
00:15:29,567 --> 00:15:30,734
to hurt their feelings.
335
00:15:30,734 --> 00:15:32,367
No, no, I think
anything I said
336
00:15:32,367 --> 00:15:35,667
went right over
their heads.
337
00:15:35,667 --> 00:15:38,133
You're not funny, Daddy.
338
00:15:38,133 --> 00:15:39,968
Well, I ain't
tryin' to be,
339
00:15:39,968 --> 00:15:42,367
but wait till you see
the Bambinis.
340
00:15:42,367 --> 00:15:45,067
Oh, my,
I wish I'd met them.
341
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:47,400
I like little people.
342
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,834
Well, I'd have tried
to hold 'em for you, Edith,
343
00:15:49,834 --> 00:15:52,901
but they slip right
through my fingers.
344
00:15:52,901 --> 00:15:54,767
Why are you
so cruel to midgets?
345
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:56,501
What have they
ever done to you?
346
00:15:56,501 --> 00:15:58,300
Oh, very little.
347
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:01,701
Do me a favor, will ya?
348
00:16:01,701 --> 00:16:03,701
I'm only gonna be here
another couple of weeks.
349
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:04,767
Could we say goodbye now,
350
00:16:04,767 --> 00:16:06,634
so I don't have
to talk to you anymore?
351
00:16:06,634 --> 00:16:08,067
Sure, sure,
anything you want.
352
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:10,367
Goodbye, goodbye,
"arriveduci" there,
353
00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:12,801
"von boyage,"
anything you want.
354
00:16:12,801 --> 00:16:14,534
All right? You go on
out to California,
355
00:16:14,534 --> 00:16:16,400
but why don't you just
leave your family here?
356
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:17,968
What?
357
00:16:17,968 --> 00:16:19,667
Yeah, hey, that's
a good idea, you know?
358
00:16:19,667 --> 00:16:22,200
I mean, why don't you go out
to the west coast yourself,
359
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,467
look for a house out there.
360
00:16:23,467 --> 00:16:26,000
You know, find a house
that would make you happy,
361
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,267
in a neighborhood where
there was no whites at all.
362
00:16:29,267 --> 00:16:30,667
Then after about ten years,
363
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:32,234
you can send for Gloria,
364
00:16:32,234 --> 00:16:35,000
then in about 15 years
you can send for little Joey,
365
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,334
when he's old enough
to tell you to go to hell.
366
00:16:39,968 --> 00:16:42,067
You ought to think
that over, because--
367
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,567
Gloria, want me to pack your
Brownie-the-Clownie bowl?
368
00:16:44,567 --> 00:16:45,667
Will you stifle yourself?
369
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:47,801
You're interrupting
what I'm saying!
370
00:16:47,801 --> 00:16:51,067
You know, this is getting
worse and worse every day with you.
371
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:53,667
God, I hate
this women's power!
372
00:16:54,801 --> 00:16:56,501
Well, I'm sorry.
373
00:16:56,501 --> 00:16:58,868
When a man is on
a train of thought,
374
00:16:58,868 --> 00:17:01,667
woman,
stay off of the tracks.
375
00:17:01,667 --> 00:17:03,234
Now, like I was
saying to you--
376
00:17:03,234 --> 00:17:04,868
No, wait a minute.
377
00:17:04,868 --> 00:17:08,267
I ain't sorry
'cause a man was talkin'.
378
00:17:08,267 --> 00:17:09,667
I mean, I was sorry
379
00:17:09,667 --> 00:17:12,634
'cause anybody was talkin',
and I interrupted.
380
00:17:12,634 --> 00:17:15,267
If I wanna talk, I'll talk.
381
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:30,000
Well then, talk.
382
00:17:31,701 --> 00:17:34,267
Well, I ain't got
nothin' to say.
383
00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:35,901
We know that!
384
00:17:37,467 --> 00:17:41,300
You see, the cause of this
is people like you,
385
00:17:41,300 --> 00:17:43,934
and that
Gloria "Curly" Steinway,
386
00:17:43,934 --> 00:17:46,701
who was a flop
in the piano business, see?
387
00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:48,734
People like you
who's puttin' ideas
388
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:50,467
into a poor,
simple woman's head,
389
00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:53,534
makin' her think that she
actually has somethin' to say.
390
00:17:53,534 --> 00:17:54,968
Jeez, that bugs me.
391
00:17:54,968 --> 00:17:56,934
I can't tell you
how that bugs me.
392
00:17:56,934 --> 00:17:58,968
So what else is new?
Everything bugs you.
393
00:17:58,968 --> 00:18:01,000
No, only this here.
394
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,033
Are you kiddin'?
395
00:18:02,033 --> 00:18:04,601
How 'bout, uh,
religion, politics?
396
00:18:04,601 --> 00:18:05,634
Minorities?
397
00:18:05,634 --> 00:18:06,801
How to raise children?
398
00:18:06,801 --> 00:18:08,234
War?
Peace?
399
00:18:08,234 --> 00:18:09,868
Long hair?
Short hair?
400
00:18:09,868 --> 00:18:12,501
Zucchini?
My relatives?
401
00:18:12,501 --> 00:18:14,801
New Jersey?
Sexual freedom?
402
00:18:14,801 --> 00:18:16,734
My appetite?
Dogs?
403
00:18:16,734 --> 00:18:18,334
Cats?
Goldfish?
404
00:18:18,334 --> 00:18:22,267
Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.
405
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:23,901
Come on, now,
I draw the line
406
00:18:23,901 --> 00:18:25,601
on goldfish there.
407
00:18:27,300 --> 00:18:29,767
Goldfish happens to be
a very fine fish,
408
00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:32,534
and a very classy pet
to have in the house.
409
00:18:34,501 --> 00:18:38,667
You never have to walk
a goldfish on a leash.
410
00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:42,234
He don't keep you awake
barkin' at night there.
411
00:18:42,234 --> 00:18:44,467
Best part about a goldfish
is that long before
412
00:18:44,467 --> 00:18:46,801
you get tired
of lookin' at it, it dies.
413
00:18:51,801 --> 00:18:54,300
Stand by, California.
414
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,801
It'll be so good
to get out there,
415
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:58,801
and breathe some nice,
fresh smog.
416
00:18:58,801 --> 00:19:01,033
Well, it'll be so good
417
00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:02,601
to reach for the icebox
418
00:19:02,601 --> 00:19:06,100
without gettin' a handful
of your behind comin' out.
419
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:09,701
And it'll be so good
420
00:19:09,701 --> 00:19:12,801
to get away from a man
who can't read a Tarzan comic
421
00:19:12,801 --> 00:19:14,767
without using a dictionary.
422
00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:18,767
Well, it'll be so good
to do this to you now.
423
00:19:18,767 --> 00:19:21,200
( blows raspberry )
424
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,100
So good, that was.
425
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:24,100
That was good.
426
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:25,434
Look that up
in the dictionary.
427
00:19:25,434 --> 00:19:26,934
You'll find it's spelled
with a small--
428
00:19:26,934 --> 00:19:27,868
( raspberry )
429
00:19:29,133 --> 00:19:30,367
Come on, Edith.
430
00:19:30,367 --> 00:19:32,267
Come on, let's get
the hell out of here.
431
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:34,000
Goodbye, goodbye.
Oh, Archie, I ain't leavin'
432
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:35,634
with you two
mad at each other.
433
00:19:35,634 --> 00:19:38,133
We been mad at each other
for eight years, ( doorbell rings )
434
00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:39,868
don't fool with somethin'
that works so good.
435
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:55,701
As I live and breathe!
436
00:19:55,701 --> 00:19:57,801
Is this George Jefferson?
437
00:19:57,801 --> 00:19:59,834
Who do I look like?
Robert Redford?
438
00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:01,901
Step aside, Bunker.
439
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,167
I'm here to see Mr. Stivic.
440
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:04,634
Howdy.
Hi, Mr. Jefferson.
441
00:20:04,634 --> 00:20:06,934
We haven't seen you
in a long time.
442
00:20:06,934 --> 00:20:07,968
How's Louise?
443
00:20:07,968 --> 00:20:09,000
Fine.
She sends her love.
444
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,400
Aw.
Well, well, well,
445
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:12,434
the only dark cloud
446
00:20:12,434 --> 00:20:15,100
that never had
a silver lining.
447
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:18,033
Well, I could say I'm glad
to see you, Bunker,
448
00:20:18,033 --> 00:20:20,300
but why lie?
449
00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:24,300
'Cause if you don't lie,
you're gonna run out of conversation.
450
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:26,801
Oh, yuck, yuck, yuck!
Same old Bunker.
451
00:20:26,801 --> 00:20:28,667
Pure pearls
fall from your lips.
452
00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:31,434
Too bad you're not an oyster.
You'd be worth something.
453
00:20:31,434 --> 00:20:35,367
My, this sure does
take me back,
454
00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:37,033
don't it, Gloria?
455
00:20:37,033 --> 00:20:41,067
Oh, yeah, uh, Mr. Jefferson,
could I take your coat?
456
00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:43,167
No thanks, I'm only gonna
stay for a few minutes.
457
00:20:43,167 --> 00:20:44,467
Why don't
we all sit down?
458
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:45,901
Yeah,
we can all sit down.
459
00:20:45,901 --> 00:20:47,534
Get out of the way.
460
00:20:53,367 --> 00:20:55,067
Ha ha.
461
00:20:57,734 --> 00:20:59,567
Ma, why don't you
come in the kitchen,
462
00:20:59,567 --> 00:21:01,801
and help me get some coffee
for Mr. Jefferson?
463
00:21:01,801 --> 00:21:03,901
Get me some cake, honey.
Okay.
464
00:21:03,901 --> 00:21:06,501
Hey, Mike, you done
a good job keeping my house in shape.
465
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:08,601
Oh, thanks.
Hey, talking of houses there, Jefferson,
466
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:11,334
I own my own now, you know?
I burnt the mortgage.
467
00:21:11,334 --> 00:21:15,267
Oh, you should have
kept the mortgage and burned the house.
468
00:21:15,267 --> 00:21:16,667
Don't be a wise-guy.
469
00:21:16,667 --> 00:21:19,534
My house over there
is every bit as good as your house here.
470
00:21:19,534 --> 00:21:21,834
But you did have a fire there
last year, Arch, remember?
471
00:21:21,834 --> 00:21:23,334
Some loose wires
started it.
472
00:21:23,334 --> 00:21:24,534
Yeah, yeah, your people
473
00:21:24,534 --> 00:21:26,868
didn't have nothin'
to do with it.
474
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:28,901
I wish I'd known
about the fire,
475
00:21:28,901 --> 00:21:31,667
I could have
barbequed some ribs.
476
00:21:31,667 --> 00:21:35,133
Here we are. Here we are,
cake and coffee.
477
00:21:35,133 --> 00:21:36,634
Here's some cake for you,
Mr. Jefferson.
478
00:21:36,634 --> 00:21:37,934
Nice big piece for you,
sweetheart.
479
00:21:37,934 --> 00:21:39,367
MIKE:
Oh, thanks, honey.
480
00:21:39,367 --> 00:21:42,000
Wait, wait, wait a minute,
where's mine?
481
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,467
You don't need no cake,
Bunker, you're a fat man.
482
00:21:46,534 --> 00:21:48,234
( mouths words )
483
00:21:48,234 --> 00:21:50,367
Huh?
484
00:21:50,367 --> 00:21:51,634
There ain't enough?
485
00:21:51,634 --> 00:21:53,000
I hate this. I--
486
00:21:55,167 --> 00:21:57,534
Uh, Mr. Jefferson,
487
00:21:57,534 --> 00:21:59,701
have you gotten lucky
with any buyers?
488
00:21:59,701 --> 00:22:01,267
Oh, yeah,
that's why I'm here.
489
00:22:01,267 --> 00:22:03,200
I just sold the house.
490
00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:06,200
You sold the house!
Congratulations.
491
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,567
Yeah, but there's
one problem, Mike.
492
00:22:07,567 --> 00:22:08,834
You know, like we agreed,
493
00:22:08,834 --> 00:22:10,901
if I found a buyer,
you'd have to move out.
494
00:22:10,901 --> 00:22:12,067
Well, we are movin' out.
495
00:22:12,067 --> 00:22:13,100
Yeah, I know, but see,
496
00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:14,367
this nice family
will only buy
497
00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:16,200
if they can move in
the day after tomorrow.
498
00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,367
The day after tomorrow?
499
00:22:18,367 --> 00:22:19,567
What's the rush?
500
00:22:19,567 --> 00:22:22,501
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Bambini
have to move, uh--
501
00:22:22,501 --> 00:22:25,567
Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.
502
00:22:27,534 --> 00:22:30,334
The Bambinis? You don't
mean the, uh...?
503
00:22:30,334 --> 00:22:32,067
They may be short on legs,
504
00:22:32,067 --> 00:22:33,901
but they're long on cash.
505
00:22:33,901 --> 00:22:35,200
Well, look,
I gotta get goin'.
506
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:36,200
Hey, well, you're going,
507
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:37,901
let me see you
to the door there.
508
00:22:37,901 --> 00:22:39,601
Hey, you know,
I meant to tell you,
509
00:22:39,601 --> 00:22:41,167
since the last time
I seen you,
510
00:22:41,167 --> 00:22:43,367
you see, I don't work
on the loadin' dock no more.
511
00:22:43,367 --> 00:22:44,400
I work for myself.
512
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,834
I'm what you call
and "entre-manure."
513
00:22:46,834 --> 00:22:51,200
Yeah, you've always
been somethin' like that.
514
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:52,501
Yeah, well, that's true.
515
00:22:52,501 --> 00:22:54,868
I always had it in me.
It's first comin' out now,
516
00:22:54,868 --> 00:22:57,534
you know?
517
00:22:57,534 --> 00:22:59,100
Yeah, I bought a saloon,
518
00:22:59,100 --> 00:23:01,300
so I'm a business man
just like you.
519
00:23:01,300 --> 00:23:02,334
Hey, congratulations.
520
00:23:02,334 --> 00:23:04,067
You've come
a long way, baby.
521
00:23:04,067 --> 00:23:07,067
It's nice to see a white man
make it every once in a while. Bye.
522
00:23:08,467 --> 00:23:09,501
Bye, George.
523
00:23:09,501 --> 00:23:11,501
Give my love
to Louise.
524
00:23:11,501 --> 00:23:13,300
Goodbye, Mr. Jefferson.
525
00:23:13,300 --> 00:23:15,334
It's nice to see him.
526
00:23:15,334 --> 00:23:17,501
You know, I guess
I know colored people
527
00:23:17,501 --> 00:23:20,234
as good as anybody
in this world.
528
00:23:20,234 --> 00:23:22,400
To this day,
I can never figure
529
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,968
when they're being
serious or not, you know?
530
00:23:24,968 --> 00:23:27,234
Michael,
where are we gonna live for the next two weeks?
531
00:23:27,234 --> 00:23:28,300
I don't know.
532
00:23:28,300 --> 00:23:30,234
Hey, maybe you
could share this house
533
00:23:30,234 --> 00:23:32,434
with the Bambinis?
534
00:23:32,434 --> 00:23:35,901
You know, if you
promise to watch your step around here.
535
00:23:35,901 --> 00:23:37,834
Well, wait a minute,
536
00:23:37,834 --> 00:23:40,701
I know where they can stay.
537
00:23:40,701 --> 00:23:42,934
Oh, no, you don't.
538
00:23:42,934 --> 00:23:45,701
Oh, yeah, I do.
Wait and see.
539
00:23:45,701 --> 00:23:46,934
Where?
540
00:23:46,934 --> 00:23:48,200
I'll give you a hint--
541
00:23:48,200 --> 00:23:52,567
It ain't far from here,
it's on Hauser street,
542
00:23:52,567 --> 00:23:55,367
and it's number 704!
543
00:23:55,367 --> 00:23:57,234
It's your old bedroom.
544
00:23:57,234 --> 00:24:00,100
It's just waitin' for ya.
545
00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:01,834
Yeesh.
546
00:24:01,834 --> 00:24:03,968
Just when we
got that bedroom
547
00:24:03,968 --> 00:24:06,367
to stop vibratin'.
548
00:24:06,367 --> 00:24:08,133
Oh, Daddy.
549
00:24:34,701 --> 00:24:36,634
ROB REINER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape
550
00:24:36,634 --> 00:24:38,734
before a live audience.
551
00:24:38,784 --> 00:24:43,334
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