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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:04,667
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,667 --> 00:00:07,767
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,767 --> 00:00:10,734
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,734 --> 00:00:13,400
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:17,234
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:20,400
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:25,567
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:28,701
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,701 --> 00:00:31,801
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,801 --> 00:00:36,100
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:41,701
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:45,801 --> 00:00:47,334
Okay, Meathead, I'm gonna start
countin' the money.
13
00:00:47,334 --> 00:00:48,934
So lock the front door there,
huh?
14
00:00:48,934 --> 00:00:50,367
Okay.
15
00:00:50,367 --> 00:00:52,634
[PHONE RINGS]
16
00:00:55,434 --> 00:00:57,400
Archie's Place.
17
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:59,300
Oh, hi. Hi, Gloria.
18
00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:01,868
No, I--I was just down here
helping Archie out tonight.
19
00:01:01,868 --> 00:01:03,968
We were just about to close up.
20
00:01:03,968 --> 00:01:05,934
Oh, that's nice.
Hold on.
21
00:01:05,934 --> 00:01:07,133
Arch, it's Gloria.
22
00:01:07,133 --> 00:01:09,434
She said she and Ma
had a great train ride.
23
00:01:09,434 --> 00:01:11,133
Joey slept all the way
to Aunt Hellen's.
24
00:01:11,133 --> 00:01:12,934
I hate that fat Hellen.
25
00:01:14,901 --> 00:01:18,033
Yeah, yeah,
I miss you, too, honey.
26
00:01:18,033 --> 00:01:22,434
Yeah, well, I won't see you
the whole--the whole weekend.
27
00:01:22,434 --> 00:01:26,667
Uh, no--no, honey, I--
please, I don't wanna do it now.
28
00:01:26,667 --> 00:01:28,501
No, I--I can't do it now, honey.
29
00:01:28,501 --> 00:01:30,133
We're not alone.
30
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:31,701
Honey.
31
00:01:31,701 --> 00:01:33,467
Honey,
please don't make me do it.
32
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,400
All right, I'll do it.
33
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,968
I'm kissing ears.
34
00:01:45,901 --> 00:01:47,801
I'm kissing your lips.
35
00:01:51,801 --> 00:01:53,534
I'm kissing your neck.
36
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,367
End it with the neck there.
37
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,000
I'm kissing your shoulders.
38
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,300
If you're gonna go any further,
drop down to the feet.
39
00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:10,634
Honey, uh, I think I better
stop with the shoulders.
40
00:02:10,634 --> 00:02:13,033
Tryin' to keep you
in the zone of decency here.
41
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,901
Yeah, I'll see you Monday,
honey.
42
00:02:14,901 --> 00:02:18,868
Yeah, we'll pick up
where we left off.
43
00:02:18,868 --> 00:02:23,133
Yeah, you remind me, okay?
Yeah, good-bye.
44
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:24,934
What the hell are you
tryin' to do, drive me nuts?
45
00:02:24,934 --> 00:02:26,234
I got enough trouble
with this here.
46
00:02:26,234 --> 00:02:27,234
What's the matter?
47
00:02:27,234 --> 00:02:29,200
The cash register
come up short.
48
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:32,300
I'm under 14 cents.
49
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:34,701
What's so bad about that,
14 cents?
50
00:02:34,701 --> 00:02:36,567
Oh, listen to the college man.
51
00:02:36,567 --> 00:02:38,534
Don't you know nothin'
about business there?
52
00:02:38,534 --> 00:02:42,167
Every cash register's
supposed to check out on the nose.
53
00:02:42,167 --> 00:02:45,033
Suppose in General Motors,
you know,
54
00:02:45,033 --> 00:02:47,834
suppose General Motors,
with that big cash register
55
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:52,767
they keep back in Detroit,
56
00:02:52,767 --> 00:02:56,300
suppose they come out
14 cents short on that?
57
00:02:56,300 --> 00:03:00,234
Well, they just stick
another Chevy motor in a Buick.
58
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:02,634
Wise guy.
59
00:03:02,634 --> 00:03:04,667
I read it in the paper.
I read it in the paper.
60
00:03:04,667 --> 00:03:07,434
Forget it. I don't wanna
talk to you about that.
61
00:03:07,434 --> 00:03:11,667
You're the kind of a guy
that goes to a John Wayne movie and roots for the Indians there.
62
00:03:11,667 --> 00:03:12,868
You do that!
63
00:03:12,868 --> 00:03:14,968
Come on here. Here.
64
00:03:14,968 --> 00:03:16,968
Grab one of them cases there.
65
00:03:16,968 --> 00:03:19,300
Help me carry it
into the back room.
66
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:21,133
Arch, you know,
67
00:03:21,133 --> 00:03:24,067
Joey said something
so funny the other day.
68
00:03:24,067 --> 00:03:25,167
Yeah, what'd he say?
69
00:03:25,167 --> 00:03:27,634
Well, we were
taking a bath together...
70
00:03:27,634 --> 00:03:29,634
- Hold it, hold it!
- and he turned to me--
71
00:03:29,634 --> 00:03:31,634
Hold it, hold it,
hold it.
72
00:03:33,834 --> 00:03:36,200
You and Joey's
takin' a bath together?
73
00:03:36,200 --> 00:03:37,868
Yeah.
74
00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:40,100
I hope you was wearin'
your bathing suits.
75
00:03:41,667 --> 00:03:44,601
Who takes a bath
wearing a bathing suit?
76
00:03:45,734 --> 00:03:47,367
Put the box down.
77
00:03:47,367 --> 00:03:49,334
- What?
- Put the box down.
78
00:03:50,901 --> 00:03:52,067
Sit down there.
79
00:03:56,033 --> 00:03:58,167
Let me tell you somethin'.
80
00:03:58,167 --> 00:04:02,267
A grown man ain't
supposed to take a bath
81
00:04:02,267 --> 00:04:04,901
in the nude
with a little boy.
82
00:04:07,634 --> 00:04:08,968
Why not?
83
00:04:08,968 --> 00:04:10,667
Oh, jeez...
84
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:17,801
Because when the little kid
gives you the once-over there,
85
00:04:17,801 --> 00:04:20,968
it makes him feel
so hopeless.
86
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,501
I don't think so.
87
00:04:28,501 --> 00:04:30,334
Well, maybe not in your case.
88
00:04:34,133 --> 00:04:38,167
In Japan--in Japan
whole families take baths together.
89
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:39,167
Who the hell cares.
90
00:04:39,167 --> 00:04:41,400
The Japs eat fish eyes, too.
91
00:04:42,901 --> 00:04:45,234
What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with you?
92
00:04:45,234 --> 00:04:47,167
Didn't you and Ma
ever take a bath together?
93
00:04:47,167 --> 00:04:48,934
Hey! Hey! Hey!
94
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,634
Put the box down.
95
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,467
Sit down there.
96
00:04:58,567 --> 00:05:02,100
Don't never ask me
no question like that there.
97
00:05:02,100 --> 00:05:04,601
In the first place,
it's dirty...
98
00:05:06,234 --> 00:05:07,400
Dirty.
99
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,801
And in the second place...
100
00:05:09,801 --> 00:05:14,567
can you picture Edith and me
floppin' around in the one tub?
101
00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:20,968
Don't look at us!
Don't look at us there!
102
00:05:20,968 --> 00:05:23,434
It's awful.
Forget about it.
103
00:05:23,434 --> 00:05:25,834
Jeez! You!
104
00:05:25,834 --> 00:05:29,400
Till the end of time
I'll be tryin' to straighten you out.
105
00:05:29,400 --> 00:05:33,634
And when they finally
plant me in the end,
106
00:05:33,634 --> 00:05:37,033
they'll be lowerin'
my box into the ground there,
107
00:05:37,033 --> 00:05:39,234
and my words'll
come out of it:
108
00:05:39,234 --> 00:05:40,934
"Don't be dirty.
109
00:05:40,934 --> 00:05:43,968
Don't be dirty."
110
00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:46,367
You won't even be
listening then.
111
00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:48,400
You won't even
be at the gravesite.
112
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,601
You'll be over in Hong Kong
with your family, taking a bath.
113
00:05:58,334 --> 00:05:59,934
Where do you want this?
114
00:06:08,534 --> 00:06:10,968
You don't--you don't know
what you done there.
115
00:06:10,968 --> 00:06:12,267
No, what's the matter?
116
00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:14,300
Put the box down.
117
00:06:19,334 --> 00:06:23,033
Would you mind openin'
that door a crack for me there?
118
00:06:23,033 --> 00:06:24,934
Sure.
119
00:06:33,467 --> 00:06:35,133
There's no door knob.
120
00:06:36,667 --> 00:06:39,000
Fancy that.
121
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,834
Uh, how're you supposed
to open the door?
122
00:06:42,834 --> 00:06:44,200
With the key.
123
00:06:45,467 --> 00:06:46,634
Where's the key?
124
00:06:46,634 --> 00:06:49,234
If you could open that door
a crack there,
125
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,367
you'd see the key sticking
out of the lock
126
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:54,000
on the other side
of that door!
127
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:58,968
You mean we're locked in here?
128
00:06:58,968 --> 00:07:03,133
I think you have grasped
the situation here.
129
00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:04,667
All right, all right.
130
00:07:04,667 --> 00:07:08,200
We just, uh, we just
break the door down, that's all.
131
00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:09,601
Ha ha ha...
132
00:07:09,601 --> 00:07:11,701
You hurl your shoulder
into that door,
133
00:07:11,701 --> 00:07:14,634
you're gonna have
two armpits on the same side.
134
00:07:18,667 --> 00:07:19,934
Oh!
135
00:07:19,934 --> 00:07:21,634
Gee, I'm sorry I did that!
136
00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:27,400
If I wasn't so made at you,
I'd laugh like hell.
137
00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:29,267
Well, I am not the one
138
00:07:29,267 --> 00:07:31,601
who left the key
on the other side of the door!
139
00:07:31,601 --> 00:07:34,400
Oh, I am not the one who
slammed and locked the door
140
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,100
with the key
on the other side.
141
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:38,234
I am not the one
who didn't say,
142
00:07:38,234 --> 00:07:41,601
"Don't close the door.
The key is on the other side."
143
00:07:41,601 --> 00:07:44,100
I am not the one who
sponged off me for five years
144
00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:46,501
and didn't learn nothin'
but the name of "Meathead."
145
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,701
I am not the one
who sits and watches
146
00:07:49,701 --> 00:07:52,300
Korean midgets wrestling
on channel 5,
147
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,801
and thinks it's
educational TV!
148
00:07:57,067 --> 00:07:59,567
I am not the one
who sits in front of a television set
149
00:07:59,567 --> 00:08:03,734
for a whole hour,
staring at the same orchestra.
150
00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:05,567
I like symphonies!
151
00:08:05,567 --> 00:08:08,167
If you like symphonies,
you're gonna love this...
152
00:08:08,167 --> 00:08:10,167
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
153
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:16,400
You dumbbell.
154
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,734
All right.
Let's just relax,
155
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:24,267
calm down, and we'll
analyze our predicament.
156
00:08:24,267 --> 00:08:27,667
Forget the predicament.
Analyze your head.
157
00:08:27,667 --> 00:08:29,667
I'm just tryin'
to figure out what to do.
158
00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:32,334
There ain't nothin' to do.
We're stuck here
159
00:08:32,334 --> 00:08:35,033
till Harry comes in
and opens up the joint tomorrow.
160
00:08:35,033 --> 00:08:36,801
[SIGHS]
161
00:08:36,801 --> 00:08:39,300
Wish there was
a window in here.
162
00:08:39,300 --> 00:08:41,767
[SNAPS FINGERS]
You get your wish. There is.
163
00:08:41,767 --> 00:08:42,834
Where?
164
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:44,834
It's up on
the far wall there.
165
00:08:44,834 --> 00:08:46,868
Then that's it!
That's it!
166
00:08:46,868 --> 00:08:49,100
- You can't get outta there--
- We can get outta here!
167
00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:51,667
- You can't get outta there.
- Why not?
168
00:08:51,667 --> 00:08:54,567
In the first place,
there ain't no catch on that window
169
00:08:54,567 --> 00:08:56,334
by which you open
that window.
170
00:08:56,334 --> 00:08:57,801
So, we'll force it open.
171
00:08:57,801 --> 00:09:00,501
In the second place,
that window is painted shut
172
00:09:00,501 --> 00:09:02,601
until the second comin'.
173
00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:05,634
Then we'll break
the glass.
174
00:09:05,634 --> 00:09:07,167
Third place...
175
00:09:07,167 --> 00:09:08,634
[SHATTERING]
176
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,634
There's bars on the window.
177
00:09:22,634 --> 00:09:24,133
Now you got three.
178
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,667
I don't believe it.
179
00:09:30,367 --> 00:09:33,000
We're trapped in here.
180
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,000
We're trapped in here!!!
181
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:36,901
Aaah! Stop your yellin' there.
182
00:09:36,901 --> 00:09:39,000
You're only trapped
in here with me.
183
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,300
Look at who the hell
I'm trapped in here with.
184
00:09:42,834 --> 00:09:45,200
Hey, anybody out there?!
185
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,534
We're locked in Archie's Place
in the storeroom!
186
00:09:48,534 --> 00:09:52,234
The door is wide open,
so come on in!
187
00:09:52,234 --> 00:09:55,300
And be sure to take
all of Archie's money,
188
00:09:55,300 --> 00:09:58,234
which you'll find
on top of the cash register!
189
00:09:58,234 --> 00:10:00,634
And be sure and take
all of Archie's mon--
190
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,300
Ah! What?
191
00:10:05,434 --> 00:10:07,767
How stupid can you get,
192
00:10:07,767 --> 00:10:10,000
yellin' out there
into an alleyway.
193
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,501
Don't you know
the kind of people
194
00:10:11,501 --> 00:10:14,267
that pass through
alleyways there this time of night--
195
00:10:14,267 --> 00:10:17,300
nothing but
the crinimal element.
196
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:19,934
But, Arch, shouldn't we
at least take a chance
197
00:10:19,934 --> 00:10:22,334
that a decent human being
will pass by?
198
00:10:22,334 --> 00:10:24,934
In New York???
199
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,067
You know what
I was thinking there...
200
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:38,667
is that if we was lost
in the snows up there
201
00:10:38,667 --> 00:10:40,434
in the Swiss Alps,
202
00:10:40,434 --> 00:10:43,367
they'd have to send out
one of them Roman Catholic dogs
203
00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:44,601
to save us.
204
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:52,267
Roman Catholic dogs?
205
00:10:53,501 --> 00:10:54,968
Yeah, the St. Bernards.
206
00:10:58,434 --> 00:11:00,200
You never heard of them dogs?
207
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,834
They run around
in the mountains there,
208
00:11:01,834 --> 00:11:05,801
with little barrels of booze
tied around their necks.
209
00:11:05,801 --> 00:11:08,200
We have booze
right here.
210
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:12,067
Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, but
I gotta pay for that booze.
211
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:14,968
The St. Bernard's booze
is on the Pope.
212
00:11:14,968 --> 00:11:16,501
[LAUGHING]
213
00:11:20,467 --> 00:11:24,234
[COUGHING]
214
00:11:24,234 --> 00:11:25,567
That's good.
215
00:11:27,868 --> 00:11:29,667
Hey...
216
00:11:29,667 --> 00:11:31,100
Hey, look at this here.
217
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:33,267
See this here?
218
00:11:33,267 --> 00:11:36,934
That's an old hunk of
Kelsey's awning there.
219
00:11:36,934 --> 00:11:40,667
See, all the guys,
they thought I should've kept this up.
220
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:42,501
But I didn't.
221
00:11:42,501 --> 00:11:45,000
You know,
I never missed it.
222
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:47,400
Looks like the birds
never missed it either.
223
00:11:49,534 --> 00:11:51,767
Well, you know,
there's a lot of good luck
224
00:11:51,767 --> 00:11:53,467
in bird doo-doos.
225
00:11:56,767 --> 00:11:58,534
You never heard that?
226
00:11:58,534 --> 00:12:00,434
No, I can't say
that I have.
227
00:12:01,501 --> 00:12:03,100
You ain't got
none of that
228
00:12:03,100 --> 00:12:05,667
old-time knowledge,
you know?
229
00:12:05,667 --> 00:12:08,934
I'll put this
around me here...
230
00:12:11,033 --> 00:12:14,167
I got somethin' here
to keep me warm. Huh?
231
00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:24,734
Thanks a lot.
232
00:12:26,701 --> 00:12:28,367
Oh, jeez...
233
00:12:30,634 --> 00:12:32,167
Move over, Mike.
234
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:34,367
Pain in the neck.
Get in.
235
00:12:34,367 --> 00:12:37,501
Why is it so hard
for you to be nice to me?
236
00:12:37,501 --> 00:12:39,033
What the hell
are you talking about?
237
00:12:39,033 --> 00:12:40,400
I've always been
nice to you.
238
00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,400
Get outta here!
239
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,200
You've always been
rotten to me.
240
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,734
Ever since the time
Gloria brought me home to meet you.
241
00:12:46,734 --> 00:12:50,267
Do you remember
the first thing you said to me?
242
00:12:50,267 --> 00:12:52,467
Hello?
243
00:12:52,467 --> 00:12:55,200
No, after that.
The second thing you said was:
244
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:56,701
"Are you Jewish?"
245
00:12:56,701 --> 00:12:58,868
Oh. Hey, listen.
246
00:12:58,868 --> 00:13:01,901
I-If I would've
been a Jewish father,
247
00:13:01,901 --> 00:13:04,367
that've been the first thing
I said to ya.
248
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:11,901
I wish you could've seen
the look on your face
249
00:13:11,901 --> 00:13:14,033
when I told you
I was Polish.
250
00:13:14,033 --> 00:13:16,100
[LAUGHING]
251
00:13:18,567 --> 00:13:22,167
Well, you know,
from where I sit now...
252
00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:24,734
maybe it would've been better
if you'd have been a Jew.
253
00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:29,234
Why?
254
00:13:29,234 --> 00:13:31,367
Because a Jew
would've been smart enough
255
00:13:31,367 --> 00:13:33,901
so we wouldn't of got
locked in the storeroom.
256
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:38,901
That is so awful.
257
00:13:38,901 --> 00:13:40,834
Do you realize
how awful it is
258
00:13:40,834 --> 00:13:43,000
when you say things
like that?
259
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:44,267
What the hell is awful?
260
00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:47,300
I just said somethin' nice
about the Jews.
261
00:13:48,501 --> 00:13:49,801
It's not coming out--
262
00:13:49,801 --> 00:13:51,934
It's not comin' out
of anything positive.
263
00:13:51,934 --> 00:13:53,834
It's coming out
of your prejudice.
264
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,267
Don't you see that?
265
00:13:55,267 --> 00:13:56,901
Why is it
so important for you
266
00:13:56,901 --> 00:13:58,767
for everybody
to be the same?
267
00:13:58,767 --> 00:13:59,968
Isn't it better?
268
00:13:59,968 --> 00:14:03,267
Doesn't it make life
more interesting
269
00:14:03,267 --> 00:14:04,968
because we're different?
270
00:14:04,968 --> 00:14:07,901
I mean that we're all
different shapes,
271
00:14:07,901 --> 00:14:10,000
different sizes,
and different colors?
272
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,868
Don't go on and on.
273
00:14:11,868 --> 00:14:13,567
I know all about differences.
274
00:14:13,567 --> 00:14:16,667
The Lord made all them
differences, you know?
275
00:14:16,667 --> 00:14:18,634
I'll tell you somethin'...
276
00:14:18,634 --> 00:14:23,434
The Lord wanted the sames
to stay over with the sames
277
00:14:23,434 --> 00:14:25,234
and the differents
to be over there
278
00:14:25,234 --> 00:14:27,234
with the differents.
279
00:14:27,234 --> 00:14:30,434
Hey...Did you ever
read that story
280
00:14:30,434 --> 00:14:32,567
of Noah's Ark
in the Bible there?
281
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:35,167
- Yes!
- Well, you know then
282
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:38,501
the animals come up
the gang plank into that Ark,
283
00:14:38,501 --> 00:14:40,734
they come up in twos, see?
284
00:14:40,734 --> 00:14:45,100
The same with the sames
and the different with the different.
285
00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:48,534
So, the tiger, he come up
with the tigeress.
286
00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:53,067
And the lion, he come up
with the lionette.
287
00:14:57,033 --> 00:14:59,901
The zebra, he come up
with the zebrella.
288
00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:06,968
The elephant, he come up
with the...uh...
289
00:15:06,968 --> 00:15:08,434
Well...
290
00:15:08,434 --> 00:15:09,868
With what?
291
00:15:09,868 --> 00:15:11,667
Ah, jeez,
I forget the term.
292
00:15:11,667 --> 00:15:13,567
But you know the point
I'm tryin' to make
293
00:15:13,567 --> 00:15:16,801
is the elephant didn't come
walkin' up there with a Pollack!
294
00:15:20,467 --> 00:15:23,534
I have told you
a thousand times,
295
00:15:23,534 --> 00:15:25,634
I don't like it
when you call me Pollack.
296
00:15:25,634 --> 00:15:28,067
Why do you have to call me
Pollack? I'm a human being!
297
00:15:28,067 --> 00:15:29,834
A human being!
298
00:15:29,834 --> 00:15:32,834
Why can't you think of me
as a human being?!
299
00:15:32,834 --> 00:15:34,801
Because you're an animal.
300
00:15:37,534 --> 00:15:38,734
You was like a wolf
301
00:15:38,734 --> 00:15:40,968
comin' in there after
my little girl.
302
00:15:40,968 --> 00:15:43,534
Not this again!!!
303
00:15:43,534 --> 00:15:45,534
Yes, this again!!!
304
00:15:45,534 --> 00:15:48,133
Then and now
and forever and always!
305
00:15:50,133 --> 00:15:53,100
It's only natural there
306
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:57,801
that the father-in-laws
is gonna hate the sons-in-laws.
307
00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:01,501
'Cause they'd take away--hey!
308
00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:04,868
When I took away Edith,
309
00:16:04,868 --> 00:16:07,133
Edith's old man--
that was the reason
310
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:09,234
that he hated me!
311
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,467
He said he had a whole lot
of other reasons,
312
00:16:13,467 --> 00:16:15,467
but that was the reason.
313
00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:19,434
No, I think there were
other reasons, too, Arch.
314
00:16:19,434 --> 00:16:22,100
Oh...that's you.
315
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:24,267
You're never on my side
of nothin' there.
316
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:28,334
You don't even know or never
even met Edith's father,
317
00:16:28,334 --> 00:16:31,133
and you're taking
his side over me.
318
00:16:31,133 --> 00:16:34,868
You're takin' the side
of a man...
319
00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:37,834
with no chin
and a go-funny eye.
320
00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:44,667
Who used to tell
longer stories than Edith.
321
00:16:46,033 --> 00:16:48,334
And they was worse
'cause he told them to you
322
00:16:48,334 --> 00:16:50,968
with bad breath.
323
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:52,667
But I ain't surprised
324
00:16:52,667 --> 00:16:54,667
because in all
the family arguments,
325
00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:56,767
you ain't never on my side.
326
00:16:56,767 --> 00:16:58,834
What do you mean
I ain't been on your side?
327
00:16:58,834 --> 00:17:00,467
- I've been on your side many--
- No...
328
00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:03,734
What about when
you wanted to buy the bar?
329
00:17:03,734 --> 00:17:05,467
And you forged
Ma's signature?
330
00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:07,367
I traced! I traced it!
331
00:17:07,367 --> 00:17:10,601
There's a hell of a difference
between a trace and a forge!
332
00:17:10,601 --> 00:17:12,167
All right,
I'm saying trace!
333
00:17:12,167 --> 00:17:14,701
And I understood
at the time you had that
334
00:17:14,701 --> 00:17:16,200
little thing
with the waitress.
335
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:18,234
Oh, for God's sake,
336
00:17:18,234 --> 00:17:21,133
ain't the world
ever gonna forget about
337
00:17:21,133 --> 00:17:22,901
my little thing?
338
00:17:25,834 --> 00:17:29,367
No! I suppose not.
339
00:17:29,367 --> 00:17:32,701
Well...[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
to the world.
340
00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:34,234
Hell with the world.
341
00:17:34,234 --> 00:17:38,400
The world out there, kid,
ain't up to no good, right?
342
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,434
You don't trust
nobody out there
343
00:17:41,434 --> 00:17:45,033
except for your own kind.
344
00:17:45,033 --> 00:17:47,934
And you remember that,
Meathead.
345
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:51,767
That's another thing:
Meathead.
346
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:54,000
Why must you
always call me Meathead?
347
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,667
What the hell? Why does
that bother you so much?
348
00:17:57,667 --> 00:18:01,534
I bet I wasn't the first one
to call you Meathead.
349
00:18:01,534 --> 00:18:04,634
You were the only one
ever to call me Meathead.
350
00:18:04,634 --> 00:18:06,567
They never called me
Meathead in school.
351
00:18:06,567 --> 00:18:09,234
In school they always
called me Michael.
352
00:18:09,234 --> 00:18:10,601
That's all they called you?
353
00:18:10,601 --> 00:18:12,801
Well, Mike or Mickey.
354
00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:17,834
What a sweet little school
you went to there, Mike.
355
00:18:20,701 --> 00:18:23,834
No wonder you grew up thinking
the world was beautiful.
356
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,567
Why? What'd they
call you in school?
357
00:18:27,567 --> 00:18:30,267
Uh...uh, different things.
358
00:18:30,267 --> 00:18:31,567
Well, what?
359
00:18:31,567 --> 00:18:33,000
- What the hell--
- Tell me.
360
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,567
What'd they call you
in school?
361
00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:36,567
Tell me what
they called you.
362
00:18:36,567 --> 00:18:38,901
[CHUCKLES]
363
00:18:38,901 --> 00:18:42,234
Well, I remember when
we went there during the Depression there.
364
00:18:43,534 --> 00:18:45,701
We didn't have no money
'cause the old man
365
00:18:45,701 --> 00:18:47,634
lost his job--
we was all busted.
366
00:18:47,634 --> 00:18:51,934
And, uh, I wore out a shoe,
one shoe.
367
00:18:53,334 --> 00:18:57,033
So, I couldn't go to school
with only one shoe, see?
368
00:18:57,033 --> 00:19:00,567
My mother, she found
a boot, so...
369
00:19:00,567 --> 00:19:04,300
I had a shoe on one foot there
and a boot on the other.
370
00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,467
A shoe and a boot.
"Shoe-boot."
371
00:19:06,467 --> 00:19:09,167
So the kids called me
"Shoebooty."
372
00:19:18,567 --> 00:19:19,634
They used to holler...
373
00:19:19,634 --> 00:19:21,501
Shoebooty, huh?
374
00:19:21,501 --> 00:19:23,067
[LAUGHING]
375
00:19:25,601 --> 00:19:28,000
They used to holler:
"Tooty-fruity,
376
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,567
here comes Shoebooty."
377
00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:31,200
[LAUGHING]
378
00:19:32,534 --> 00:19:33,934
And they kept
calling me that
379
00:19:33,934 --> 00:19:36,267
till they found out
my name was Archibald,
380
00:19:36,267 --> 00:19:38,934
and they thought
that was funny.
381
00:19:38,934 --> 00:19:41,667
And then I wished they'd
go back to Shoebooty, you know?
382
00:19:43,968 --> 00:19:45,501
Kids all made fun
of you, huh?
383
00:19:45,501 --> 00:19:47,000
Yeah, they all made fun--
384
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,868
Well, all except
one little black kid
385
00:19:48,868 --> 00:19:50,300
by the name of Winston.
386
00:19:51,767 --> 00:19:53,834
A black kid liked you?
387
00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:57,434
No. The black kid
beat the hell outta me.
388
00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:02,300
Why?
389
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:04,434
I-I don't know,
nothin' much.
390
00:20:04,434 --> 00:20:06,434
Well, he must've
had a reason.
391
00:20:07,968 --> 00:20:12,033
Well, he said that I said
he was a nigger.
392
00:20:12,033 --> 00:20:13,467
Well, did you?
393
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:14,734
Sure.
394
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,767
Well, then,
that's the reason!
395
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:23,133
What the hell reason
was that?
396
00:20:23,133 --> 00:20:27,067
That's what all them people
was called in them days there.
397
00:20:27,067 --> 00:20:30,267
I mean everybody we knew
called them people niggers.
398
00:20:30,267 --> 00:20:33,400
That's all my ol' man
ever called them there.
399
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,300
What the hell was I
supposed to call them?
400
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:38,033
I didn't know the dif--
I should call him a Whop?
401
00:20:41,601 --> 00:20:43,067
We couldn't call them Whops
402
00:20:43,067 --> 00:20:45,534
because Whops was what
we called the Dagos.
403
00:20:47,901 --> 00:20:49,934
Did you ever think--
404
00:20:49,934 --> 00:20:52,868
Did you ever think
that--that possibly
405
00:20:52,868 --> 00:20:55,567
your--your father
just might be wrong?
406
00:20:57,667 --> 00:21:00,000
Wrong my ol' man?
Don't be stupid.
407
00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:02,000
My old man, let me
tell you about him.
408
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,634
He was never wrong
about nothin'.
409
00:21:03,634 --> 00:21:06,300
- Yes, he was, Arch.
- Huh?
410
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:09,968
My ol' man used to call people
the same things as your ol' man.
411
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:11,934
But I always knew
he was wrong.
412
00:21:11,934 --> 00:21:13,267
So was your ol' man.
413
00:21:13,267 --> 00:21:14,734
- No, he wasn't.
- Yes, he was.
414
00:21:14,734 --> 00:21:16,901
- Your father was wrong.
- Don't say--
415
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:18,601
Your father was wrong!
416
00:21:18,601 --> 00:21:20,901
Don't tell me
my father was wrong.
417
00:21:20,901 --> 00:21:22,734
Let me tell you somethin'...
418
00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:29,767
Father who made ya... wrong?
419
00:21:29,767 --> 00:21:32,467
Your father...
420
00:21:32,467 --> 00:21:35,200
the breadwinner
of the house there.
421
00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:37,300
The man who goes out
422
00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:40,667
and busts his butt
to keep a roof over your head
423
00:21:40,667 --> 00:21:42,701
and clothes on your back?
424
00:21:42,701 --> 00:21:44,434
You call your father wrong?
425
00:21:44,434 --> 00:21:47,534
Hey, hey. Your father...
426
00:21:47,534 --> 00:21:49,634
Your father...
427
00:21:49,634 --> 00:21:52,434
That's the man
that comes home,
428
00:21:52,434 --> 00:21:53,834
bringin' you candy?
429
00:21:56,267 --> 00:21:59,434
Your father's the first guy
to throw a baseball to ya?
430
00:22:01,234 --> 00:22:05,734
And take you for walks
in the park?
431
00:22:05,734 --> 00:22:07,801
Hold you by the hand?
432
00:22:09,501 --> 00:22:11,133
My father held me
by the hand...
433
00:22:11,133 --> 00:22:14,934
Oh, eh...
434
00:22:14,934 --> 00:22:18,267
My father
had a hand on him,
435
00:22:18,267 --> 00:22:20,133
I tell you.
436
00:22:20,133 --> 00:22:22,734
He busted that hand once,
437
00:22:22,734 --> 00:22:24,968
and he busted it on me.
438
00:22:26,534 --> 00:22:29,000
To teach me to do good.
439
00:22:30,601 --> 00:22:34,567
And my father, he'd shove me
in the closet for seven hours
440
00:22:34,567 --> 00:22:37,067
to teach me to do good...
441
00:22:37,067 --> 00:22:39,067
'cause he loved me.
442
00:22:39,067 --> 00:22:40,334
He loved me.
443
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,567
Don't be lookin' at me!!!
444
00:22:53,767 --> 00:22:55,868
Let me tell you somethin'...
445
00:22:55,868 --> 00:22:58,501
You're supposed to
love your father...
446
00:23:00,501 --> 00:23:04,300
because...
your father loves you.
447
00:23:06,501 --> 00:23:08,834
But how can any man
that loves you...
448
00:23:10,067 --> 00:23:12,434
tell you anything
that's wrong?
449
00:23:15,067 --> 00:23:16,968
What's the use in talking?
450
00:23:16,968 --> 00:23:20,100
[MUMBLING]
451
00:23:24,567 --> 00:23:26,567
Nothin' at all...
452
00:23:26,567 --> 00:23:27,834
Uhh!
453
00:24:17,734 --> 00:24:19,868
Good night, Shoebooty.
454
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:47,167
[♪♪♪]
455
00:24:47,167 --> 00:24:49,067
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
456
00:24:49,067 --> 00:24:51,200
before a live audience.
457
00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:55,800
Repair and Synchronization by
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