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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:04,534 ♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪ 2 00:00:04,534 --> 00:00:07,868 ♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪ 3 00:00:07,868 --> 00:00:10,834 ♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪ 4 00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:13,334 ♪ Those were the days ♪ 5 00:00:13,334 --> 00:00:17,234 ♪ And you knew where you were then ♪ 6 00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:20,400 ♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪ 7 00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:25,567 ♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪ 8 00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:28,734 ♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪ 9 00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:31,767 ♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪ 10 00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:35,901 ♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪ 11 00:00:35,901 --> 00:00:41,701 ♪ Those were the days ♪ 12 00:00:52,033 --> 00:00:55,033 Hmm... 13 00:00:55,033 --> 00:01:00,534 "Four-letter Italian word for goodbye." 14 00:01:03,334 --> 00:01:05,267 Bang. B-A-N-G. 15 00:01:10,033 --> 00:01:12,701 Oh, where the hell have you been, Manuel? 16 00:01:12,701 --> 00:01:13,801 Manuel. 17 00:01:13,801 --> 00:01:15,767 Whatever. 18 00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:18,501 Took you a whole hour to deliver two containers of beer? 19 00:01:18,501 --> 00:01:20,501 That's 'cause Mrs. Dilson's a widow. 20 00:01:20,501 --> 00:01:22,501 What's a widow got to do with it? 21 00:01:22,501 --> 00:01:26,667 Well, she didn't want just beer. She wanted me. 22 00:01:26,667 --> 00:01:30,534 Oh, well, she's a customer, and you're young. 23 00:01:30,534 --> 00:01:31,868 Where's the money? 24 00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:33,334 She didn't pay nothin'. 25 00:01:33,334 --> 00:01:37,000 Every time I stuck out my hand, she nibbled on the fingers. 26 00:01:38,834 --> 00:01:40,167 Don't be dirty. 27 00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:43,267 Go in there to the men's room and take care of the wall. 28 00:01:43,267 --> 00:01:44,434 What's the matter with it? 29 00:01:44,434 --> 00:01:48,567 That poem is back about the old man in Nantucket. 30 00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:51,567 [PHONE RINGS] 31 00:01:51,567 --> 00:01:53,901 Uh, hello, Archie's Place-- 32 00:01:53,901 --> 00:01:56,234 cold beer on tap, family atmosphere. 33 00:01:56,234 --> 00:01:57,734 We cater to straights. 34 00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:07,133 How are things going down there tonight? 35 00:02:07,133 --> 00:02:09,000 Oh, oh, swell. What a mob. 36 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:10,634 They're fightin' for seats here. 37 00:02:10,634 --> 00:02:13,868 Oh, you want me to come down and help you? 38 00:02:13,868 --> 00:02:16,334 Oh, no, no, no. I mean, what would you do, huh? 39 00:02:16,334 --> 00:02:18,000 Oh, I could sing. 40 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:20,334 Well, uh, you see, 41 00:02:20,334 --> 00:02:23,934 we ain't got a musical crowd here tonight, Edith. 42 00:02:23,934 --> 00:02:28,234 We got mostly artists and writers. 43 00:02:28,234 --> 00:02:30,234 Hang on just a minute. 44 00:02:30,234 --> 00:02:33,501 Uh, uh, hey, crowd there, hold it down, will ya? 45 00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,501 I'm on the horn here. 46 00:02:35,501 --> 00:02:39,234 Did you hear the way they quieted down, Edith? 47 00:02:39,234 --> 00:02:42,067 Oh, excuse me. Hello there, sir. 48 00:02:42,067 --> 00:02:44,067 Come in. Make yourself at home. Make yourself at home. 49 00:02:44,067 --> 00:02:46,067 Uh, Edith, I gotta leave you now. 50 00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:48,701 Uh, a party of six just strolled in here. 51 00:02:48,701 --> 00:02:51,367 Oh, ain't that wonderful! 52 00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:54,701 That's good, Archie! Bye-bye! 53 00:02:55,767 --> 00:02:57,434 How's business? 54 00:02:57,434 --> 00:03:00,067 Terrible. 55 00:03:00,067 --> 00:03:02,267 Business is slow, huh? 56 00:03:02,267 --> 00:03:04,601 Oh, well, you know, the saloon business-- 57 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:07,234 it can get slow on a Friday night. 58 00:03:07,234 --> 00:03:09,067 Well, why is that? 59 00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:11,701 Well, nobody knows. 60 00:03:11,701 --> 00:03:12,734 Are you the proprietor? 61 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,167 Yeah, yeah. Archie Bunker's the name. 62 00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:15,934 Good. This is for you. 63 00:03:17,534 --> 00:03:22,033 Oh, what the hell are you? Some kind of a prostate server? 64 00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:27,467 No, I'm a bill collector. 65 00:03:27,467 --> 00:03:32,300 I'll accept cash or a cashier's check for the full amount of $2,800 66 00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:36,267 or your refrigeration unit will be removed next Wednesday. 67 00:03:36,267 --> 00:03:39,701 Oh, come on, come on! What are you tryin' to do? Put me out of business here? 68 00:03:39,701 --> 00:03:43,100 Listen, I mortgaged my house to buy this joint. 69 00:03:43,100 --> 00:03:44,834 You wanna see me lose my house? 70 00:03:44,834 --> 00:03:47,033 You're breakin' my heart. 71 00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:48,300 Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. 72 00:03:48,300 --> 00:03:50,501 All right. I don't want you to be sorry for me. 73 00:03:50,501 --> 00:03:52,567 But, geez, you gotta be sorry for kids. 74 00:03:52,567 --> 00:03:54,701 Yeah, how many you got? 75 00:03:54,701 --> 00:03:56,234 Uh, five girls. 76 00:03:56,234 --> 00:03:58,667 All unmarried. I'll never get rid of them. 77 00:03:58,667 --> 00:04:00,801 Uh, three of them's pregnant, one of them walks funny, 78 00:04:00,801 --> 00:04:02,567 and the oldest one eats paper. 79 00:04:04,334 --> 00:04:05,968 Are you kidding? 80 00:04:05,968 --> 00:04:08,901 You've got one daughter named Gloria, a wife named Edith, 81 00:04:08,901 --> 00:04:11,968 a son-in-law named Meathead. 82 00:04:11,968 --> 00:04:16,734 You work on a loading dock, you drove a cab nights, you served in Word War II. 83 00:04:16,734 --> 00:04:18,534 Well, you're a pretty good snoop there. 84 00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:21,467 The only thing you ain't got is where the German shrapnel got me. 85 00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:23,767 Left cheek. 86 00:04:25,334 --> 00:04:28,901 That's right. And it pains me when winter comes. 87 00:04:28,901 --> 00:04:31,667 So how'd you like to kiss it and make it better? 88 00:04:33,167 --> 00:04:36,667 Hold it there! You ain't gonna be drinkin' in my joint. 89 00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:38,334 You're a spy. Get out of here. 90 00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:39,367 All right, all right. 91 00:04:39,367 --> 00:04:40,434 Get out! 92 00:04:40,434 --> 00:04:42,033 All right, don't bother me nothin'. 93 00:04:42,033 --> 00:04:44,567 But we'll see you next Wednesday. 94 00:04:44,567 --> 00:04:46,167 Yeah, well tell that company of yours 95 00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:48,367 you can't squeeze blood out of a tulip! 96 00:04:50,067 --> 00:04:51,901 Hey, that ain't tulip, that's turnip. 97 00:04:51,901 --> 00:04:53,667 Aw, shut up, you. 98 00:04:53,667 --> 00:04:54,667 What did I do? 99 00:04:54,667 --> 00:04:56,667 Every place I look, I see an enemy. 100 00:04:56,667 --> 00:04:58,934 Aw, come on, Arch. I'm a friend, ain't I? 101 00:04:58,934 --> 00:05:01,334 Yeah, you're a friend? Then prove it. Buy somethin'. 102 00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:02,901 Well, I ain't thirsty. 103 00:05:02,901 --> 00:05:05,467 Ah, you're tellin' me. I can smell it on your breath. 104 00:05:05,467 --> 00:05:07,467 It's like an old bar towel. 105 00:05:07,467 --> 00:05:08,801 I know where you've been-- 106 00:05:08,801 --> 00:05:11,767 with the rest of my ex-friends at McFeeny's Topless. 107 00:05:11,767 --> 00:05:12,801 No, I wasn't. 108 00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:13,801 Yes, you was. 109 00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:16,634 You love it over there in dairy land. 110 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:25,667 Hey, hey, Arch. Could I have a glass of water? 111 00:05:25,667 --> 00:05:28,767 A glass of water? I thought you wasn't thirsty? 112 00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:30,734 Well, after I finish this egg, I'll be thirsty. 113 00:05:30,734 --> 00:05:33,334 Get out of there! Get out of there, you! 114 00:05:33,334 --> 00:05:35,601 Hey, Arch, you got a funny look in your eye. 115 00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:38,801 Yeah, well, you will, too, if I bust you one. 116 00:05:38,801 --> 00:05:42,734 Hey, use the pay phone, you freeloader! 117 00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:45,200 Oh, boy, you really got problems! 118 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,834 Yeah, you're damn right I got problems. 119 00:05:46,834 --> 00:05:48,567 And you should have my problems. 120 00:05:48,567 --> 00:05:50,133 I got enough of my own. 121 00:05:50,133 --> 00:05:51,634 You gotta know how to handle 'em. 122 00:05:51,634 --> 00:05:52,734 Aw, tell me. 123 00:05:52,734 --> 00:05:55,067 Well, whenever things get serious with me, 124 00:05:55,067 --> 00:05:56,734 [CHUCKLES] I take one of these. 125 00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:04,234 Pills? 126 00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:06,734 Yeah, pills. 127 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:10,033 You take drugs? 128 00:06:10,033 --> 00:06:12,767 No, not drugs! Pills! 129 00:06:13,901 --> 00:06:16,200 My doctor prescribed these for me. 130 00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,234 Your doctor gave you these? 131 00:06:22,234 --> 00:06:23,801 Yeah, sure. I got plenty of 'em. 132 00:06:23,801 --> 00:06:25,834 He gave 'em to my wife for a weight problem, 133 00:06:25,834 --> 00:06:27,834 and I take 'em when I'm depressed. 134 00:06:27,834 --> 00:06:29,801 It's--it's a part of today, Arch. 135 00:06:29,801 --> 00:06:31,834 Everybody's got 'em in their medicine cabinet. 136 00:06:31,834 --> 00:06:33,968 Take one. Go ahead. It'll pick you up. 137 00:06:33,968 --> 00:06:36,968 Aw, no, I read about these things. 138 00:06:36,968 --> 00:06:40,667 They get you hoppin' like a jackrabbit with an inside "hemrood." 139 00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:44,667 Oh, no, not these. 140 00:06:44,667 --> 00:06:47,000 Regular businessmen take these. 141 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,834 Honest. Truck drivers, athletes. 142 00:06:49,834 --> 00:06:53,234 How do you think a fullback gets through a game with a busted knee? 143 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:56,300 Team spirit. 144 00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:58,834 Don't you read the papers? 145 00:06:58,834 --> 00:07:01,434 This is team spirit. 146 00:07:03,033 --> 00:07:04,434 Give me one of them. 147 00:07:06,067 --> 00:07:07,734 Now, what are you tellin' me? 148 00:07:07,734 --> 00:07:12,567 I take one of these and, in ten seconds, I'm Joe Namath? 149 00:07:12,567 --> 00:07:15,968 Well, in your case, it'd take a little longer. 150 00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:18,100 But then it'll hit ya. 151 00:07:20,300 --> 00:07:21,634 It'll hit me, huh? 152 00:07:21,634 --> 00:07:23,067 Mm-hmm. 153 00:07:23,067 --> 00:07:27,200 Well--well, what do you mean? Like, um, vavoom? 154 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,667 More like va-vavoom! 155 00:07:30,667 --> 00:07:33,968 Hi ya, fellas. I can't stop now, I'm on my way to the can. 156 00:07:33,968 --> 00:07:36,033 Hold it, hold it. Hold it there, Barney! 157 00:07:36,033 --> 00:07:38,601 You come into my joint to use the can? 158 00:07:38,601 --> 00:07:41,701 Listen, I couldn't make it home from McFeeny's. I'm up to here in beer. 159 00:07:41,701 --> 00:07:43,734 Hold it, hold it. Get back here, Barney! 160 00:07:43,734 --> 00:07:47,901 So you take it on at McFeeny's, and you let it out at Archie's? 161 00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:51,601 You're gettin' more like your dog Rusty everyday. 162 00:07:51,601 --> 00:07:53,434 That is gross, Arch. 163 00:07:53,434 --> 00:07:55,067 I'll show you what's gross! 164 00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:56,367 Hey, Arch, what are ya doin'? 165 00:07:56,367 --> 00:07:58,100 There. You wanna see gross! 166 00:07:58,100 --> 00:07:59,934 - Calm down! Take it easy! - Aah! 167 00:07:59,934 --> 00:08:01,767 Arch, why are you throwin' eggs? 168 00:08:01,767 --> 00:08:03,934 'Cause I ain't got no rocks! 169 00:08:03,934 --> 00:08:05,634 Arch, you're losin' control of yourself. 170 00:08:05,634 --> 00:08:06,634 Take one of these! 171 00:08:06,634 --> 00:08:07,634 Ah, no. 172 00:08:07,634 --> 00:08:08,801 - Go ahead-- - No! 173 00:08:08,801 --> 00:08:09,934 It'll make you feel better! 174 00:08:09,934 --> 00:08:11,534 I'll take the whole damn bottle of 'em! 175 00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:13,467 No, no, no! Don't do that. 176 00:08:13,467 --> 00:08:15,934 You'll find yourself goin' to rock concerts. 177 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,968 Arch, take it easy, will ya? 178 00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,467 You keep them. I got plenty. 179 00:08:24,467 --> 00:08:27,133 I'll just ask my doctor for some more. 180 00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:30,234 You know, it ain't the end of the world. 181 00:08:30,234 --> 00:08:33,033 [GROANS] 182 00:08:35,133 --> 00:08:37,667 [SIGHS] 183 00:09:12,234 --> 00:09:13,567 Va-vavoom. 184 00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:14,701 Nothin'. 185 00:09:14,701 --> 00:09:17,534 Hey, Arch, you're out of paper towels. 186 00:09:17,534 --> 00:09:20,567 Hey, listen, Barney. The nicest way to dry your hands 187 00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:24,767 is to wave them in the breeze as you're saying good-bye forever! 188 00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:27,767 Oh, boy. No wonder there's nobody in the joint. 189 00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:28,767 Look at you! 190 00:09:28,767 --> 00:09:31,100 Ah, well, look at you, ya fink! Fink off! 191 00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:33,901 This is the last time I'm gonna use the can in this joint! 192 00:09:33,901 --> 00:09:35,534 You're still a fink, Barney. 193 00:09:35,534 --> 00:09:37,400 Pick yourself up off the floor, Arch. 194 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,534 Be a person! 195 00:09:49,701 --> 00:09:52,634 [GAGGING] 196 00:09:57,834 --> 00:09:59,133 Aah. 197 00:10:05,601 --> 00:10:07,601 Aw, geez. 198 00:10:07,601 --> 00:10:13,200 I can't even raise a lousy va-vavoom. 199 00:10:15,968 --> 00:10:17,334 Va-vavoom! 200 00:10:24,534 --> 00:10:28,400 ♪ Well, me name is McNamara ♪ 201 00:10:28,400 --> 00:10:30,901 ♪ And I'm the leader of the band ♪ 202 00:10:30,901 --> 00:10:33,667 ♪ Although we're few in numbers, we're the finest in the land ♪ 203 00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:37,334 ♪ Oh, we play at wakes and weddings and every fancy ball ♪ 204 00:10:37,334 --> 00:10:39,968 ♪ And when we play at funerals ♪ 205 00:10:39,968 --> 00:10:41,968 ♪ We play the march-- open the door ♪ 206 00:10:41,968 --> 00:10:43,534 ♪ Da-da da-da ♪ 207 00:10:43,534 --> 00:10:44,667 ♪ Open the door ♪ 208 00:10:44,667 --> 00:10:45,667 I'm comin', Arch. 209 00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:46,667 ♪ Da-da da-da ♪ 210 00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:48,234 ♪ Take off the chain ♪ 211 00:10:48,234 --> 00:10:49,901 ♪ Da-da da-da ♪ 212 00:10:49,901 --> 00:10:53,534 [SINGING CONTINUES] 213 00:10:53,534 --> 00:10:55,067 ♪ Deedle dee dum ♪ 214 00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:58,334 Aw! You moved that hat rack, Edith. 215 00:10:58,334 --> 00:11:00,100 Oh, no, Archie. 216 00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:03,067 Come on to bed. It's 3:00 in the morning. 217 00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:05,868 ♪ 3:00 in the morning ♪ 218 00:11:05,868 --> 00:11:08,901 Oh, no. No, Archie, I don't want to dance. 219 00:11:08,901 --> 00:11:10,701 ♪ You won't dance, I'll make you ♪ 220 00:11:10,701 --> 00:11:12,734 ♪ You won't dance, I'll take you ♪ 221 00:11:12,734 --> 00:11:14,534 ♪ You won't dance, oh, yes, you will ♪ 222 00:11:14,534 --> 00:11:17,067 Oh, Archie. Come on, you've got to get your sleep. 223 00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:18,501 Let's go to bed. 224 00:11:18,501 --> 00:11:19,767 To where? 225 00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:21,100 To bed. 226 00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:23,801 What do you wanna go to bed for, you naughty girl ya? 227 00:11:23,801 --> 00:11:25,968 Oh, stop it. 228 00:11:25,968 --> 00:11:28,167 You wanna go to bed? All right, we'll go to bed. 229 00:11:28,167 --> 00:11:31,634 Bed is better when you wait a little bit for bed, Edith. 230 00:11:31,634 --> 00:11:33,667 In the meantime, I'm gonna do somethin' for you 231 00:11:33,667 --> 00:11:36,400 that I promised to do when we first moved into this house. 232 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:38,267 Big surprise. Close your eyes. Close your eyes. 233 00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:39,834 - I'll show you. - Where are you going? 234 00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:41,267 I'll show you. I'll be right there. 235 00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:44,400 Right there. Close your eyes, Edith! Close your eyes! 236 00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,133 Close your eyes. Are you ready? 237 00:11:46,133 --> 00:11:47,133 Yeah, I'm ready. 238 00:11:47,133 --> 00:11:48,467 ♪ Da-da da da-da ♪ 239 00:11:48,467 --> 00:11:49,501 Ha ha! 240 00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:52,968 What are you gonna do? 241 00:11:52,968 --> 00:11:54,968 I'm gonna paint the porch. 242 00:11:54,968 --> 00:11:58,367 Oh, Archie, No! 243 00:11:58,367 --> 00:12:02,334 No, not now. Let's go upstairs. 244 00:12:02,334 --> 00:12:05,133 I'll paint upstairs tomorrow, the porch tonight! 245 00:12:05,133 --> 00:12:08,601 No, Archie! You're crazy! Archie. 246 00:12:08,601 --> 00:12:11,567 - It's the middle of the night! - Oh, yeah! 247 00:12:11,567 --> 00:12:14,234 - Archie, you're gonna wake up the neighbors! - Oh, this is beautiful! 248 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,234 Hi, neighbors! 249 00:12:15,234 --> 00:12:16,467 ♪ Hi, neighbors ♪ 250 00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:18,434 ♪ what do you do, and what do you say? ♪ 251 00:12:18,434 --> 00:12:19,434 Shh! 252 00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,200 ♪ Hi, neighbors ♪ 253 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,367 BARNEY: Keep it down there, Arch, will ya? It's quarter to three! 254 00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:27,100 You're on the wrong key there, Barney, it's... 255 00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:28,634 ♪ Quarter to three ♪ 256 00:12:28,634 --> 00:12:32,133 ♪ There's no one in the joint here except you and me ♪ 257 00:12:32,133 --> 00:12:33,133 Stop it, Archie. 258 00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:34,167 [DOG BARKING] 259 00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:37,267 [INDISTINCT YELLING] 260 00:12:37,267 --> 00:12:40,501 I want to make that a beautiful chartreuse there, Edith. 261 00:12:40,501 --> 00:12:41,501 You can do it tomorrow. 262 00:12:41,501 --> 00:12:42,667 - Tomorrow, huh? - Yeah. 263 00:12:42,667 --> 00:12:43,968 Oh, I see. I see. 264 00:12:43,968 --> 00:12:47,801 I see. You will have your way with me, huh, woman? 265 00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,567 Oh, Arch. 266 00:12:49,567 --> 00:12:51,000 I didn't-- 267 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:55,534 What? If you want me, you're gonna get me, baby. 268 00:12:55,534 --> 00:12:56,567 Hey! 269 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:59,767 Hey, hey. Don't yell headache. 270 00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:01,634 'Cause I'm gonna cure that headache! 271 00:13:01,634 --> 00:13:04,033 I'm gonna cure that headache! 272 00:13:10,167 --> 00:13:13,968 EDITH: Archie! Breakfast! 273 00:13:13,968 --> 00:13:15,801 Tomorrow, Edith! 274 00:13:15,801 --> 00:13:20,467 It's hotcakes and sausage, and if you don't come right away, 275 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,601 it'll be cold cakes and sausage! 276 00:13:25,501 --> 00:13:27,334 What's Archie doin' out on the porch? 277 00:13:27,334 --> 00:13:29,167 I hope he's not paintin' it again. 278 00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:33,534 Oh, no, he only paints after midnight. 279 00:13:33,534 --> 00:13:36,534 The worse business is at the bar, 280 00:13:36,534 --> 00:13:39,267 the crazier he gets. 281 00:13:39,267 --> 00:13:40,968 Hey, boss man. 282 00:13:40,968 --> 00:13:42,801 Come here, come here, come here. 283 00:13:42,801 --> 00:13:44,300 Did you meet Hank? 284 00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:45,300 Yeah. 285 00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:47,501 Well, you got the P-I-L-Zs? 286 00:13:47,501 --> 00:13:48,434 Tsk. 287 00:13:49,934 --> 00:13:52,267 You know, Mr. Bunker, you're a lucky man. 288 00:13:52,267 --> 00:13:55,667 You don't have to hang around schoolyards to pick up your junk. 289 00:13:56,734 --> 00:13:59,234 Hey, listen, this isn't junk to me. 290 00:13:59,234 --> 00:14:02,200 I can quit anything, anytime. 291 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,200 That's what my cousin said about wearin' dresses. 292 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:07,968 Now he's a majorette in the school band. 293 00:14:10,367 --> 00:14:12,567 It's 10:00. Go down and open the saloon. 294 00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:14,501 I'll be right there after ya. Hurry up! 295 00:14:14,501 --> 00:14:16,868 Hurry up! Hurry up! 296 00:14:16,868 --> 00:14:18,367 [CLEARS THROAT] 297 00:14:18,367 --> 00:14:20,968 All right, Edith, now I gotta get right down to the business. 298 00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:22,067 I gotta go. 299 00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:24,501 But come on and have your hotcakes and sausage. 300 00:14:24,501 --> 00:14:26,100 Wh-Where's my cigars? Cigars, cigars, cigars? 301 00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:29,701 Over there. Archie, you can't go to work on an empty stomach. 302 00:14:29,701 --> 00:14:30,901 Yeah, well, I don't want nothin'. 303 00:14:30,901 --> 00:14:33,033 Oh, come on, you gotta eat somethin'. 304 00:14:33,033 --> 00:14:34,534 I'll eat my cigars. 305 00:14:34,534 --> 00:14:37,634 - Oh, Archie. Eat your pancakes. - No, no! 306 00:14:37,634 --> 00:14:38,634 MICHAEL: Come on. Eat. 307 00:14:38,634 --> 00:14:39,968 No, no, no, no, no. 308 00:14:39,968 --> 00:14:41,934 I got no use for food. You know somethin'? 309 00:14:41,934 --> 00:14:45,934 The world eats too much that I might kick food. Yeah. 310 00:14:45,934 --> 00:14:48,033 [ALL YELLING] 311 00:14:48,033 --> 00:14:50,000 Leave me alone. I don't want to argue. 312 00:14:50,000 --> 00:14:53,100 I don't want to argue! You want me to eat? All right, I'll eat! 313 00:14:57,033 --> 00:14:58,834 There. There. 314 00:15:02,968 --> 00:15:03,901 [DOOR CLOSES] 315 00:15:08,868 --> 00:15:11,267 That man is on something. 316 00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:13,467 Bananas. 317 00:15:13,467 --> 00:15:15,868 He's on bananas? 318 00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:23,434 Oh. 319 00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:26,167 Oh, n-- 320 00:15:26,167 --> 00:15:28,968 Oh, my. 321 00:15:46,133 --> 00:15:47,868 Big crowd tonight, boss. 322 00:15:47,868 --> 00:15:49,701 I guess you can handle it yourself, huh? 323 00:15:49,701 --> 00:15:51,667 Yeah, sure, sure. Yeah. 324 00:15:51,667 --> 00:15:52,968 Thanks for the night off. 325 00:15:52,968 --> 00:15:54,501 What night did we say? 326 00:15:54,501 --> 00:15:56,000 Tonight. 327 00:15:56,000 --> 00:15:57,200 This week? 328 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,334 Hey, chief, are you all right? 329 00:16:00,334 --> 00:16:02,934 Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm all right. Yeah, I'm all right. I'm all right. 330 00:16:02,934 --> 00:16:05,267 Look--look, just say the word and I stay. 331 00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:07,267 No, no, no. You go on. You got a date. 332 00:16:07,267 --> 00:16:08,701 Your girl's gonna be sore at ya. 333 00:16:08,701 --> 00:16:09,701 No, no. She'll understand. 334 00:16:09,701 --> 00:16:11,467 I'll tell her somebody stabbed me. 335 00:16:14,868 --> 00:16:16,901 No, no, no. Don't do that. No, never lie. 336 00:16:16,901 --> 00:16:19,167 If there's one thing you're gonna learn workin' for me, 337 00:16:19,167 --> 00:16:21,300 it's that a good man never lies. 338 00:16:21,300 --> 00:16:24,234 Look it, boss, I'm worried about them fireballs you've been poppin'. 339 00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:26,067 And with the booze, too. The way you've been goin', 340 00:16:26,067 --> 00:16:27,834 you're goin' to be the first bartender on the moon! 341 00:16:27,834 --> 00:16:30,334 Who the hell are you? Ralph Nuder? 342 00:16:30,334 --> 00:16:33,901 Come on now, asta bananas to ya. Go on, go on, go on. 343 00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:35,400 - Hi, Daddy. - Hey, Arch. 344 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:36,534 Hi, Archie. 345 00:16:36,534 --> 00:16:38,200 - Hi, Manuel. - Hello, Manuel. 346 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,734 Look who's here-- your family. 347 00:16:39,734 --> 00:16:42,534 Yeah, just the three of us stopped by to say hello. 348 00:16:42,534 --> 00:16:44,701 Just me and Gloria and Mike. 349 00:16:44,701 --> 00:16:47,234 Yeah, well, I noticed you comin' in the door there. 350 00:16:47,234 --> 00:16:49,801 So, what, did you come to spy on the old man, huh? 351 00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:54,367 [ALL MAKING EXCUSES] 352 00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:55,968 We wanted a drink. 353 00:16:55,968 --> 00:16:57,767 Yeah, that's it. We wanted a drink. 354 00:16:57,767 --> 00:16:59,467 I'll have a scotch on the rocks. 355 00:16:59,467 --> 00:17:00,467 Bourbon on the rocks. 356 00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:02,901 Pepsi on the rocks. 357 00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:05,200 Well, all right, go ahead, go ahead. Sit down, sit down. 358 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,534 Let's go sit over here. 359 00:17:06,534 --> 00:17:08,534 Here, Mike, sit here. 360 00:17:08,534 --> 00:17:09,868 Sure. 361 00:17:09,868 --> 00:17:12,701 I mean, it's all right. It's nice to see ya. 362 00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:17,234 I mean, I--I'm glad to see you all comin' in this way, you know. 363 00:17:17,234 --> 00:17:19,200 I suppose lookin' around, uh, 364 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:23,901 you can kinda tell that business ain't too-- what do you call it? 365 00:17:23,901 --> 00:17:25,601 quick tonight, you know. 366 00:17:25,601 --> 00:17:28,467 But, uh, in the saloon business, 367 00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:31,200 the Saturday nights can be slow. 368 00:17:34,601 --> 00:17:35,767 Really? 369 00:17:35,767 --> 00:17:37,234 Why is that? 370 00:17:37,234 --> 00:17:39,234 Uh, nobody knows. 371 00:17:39,234 --> 00:17:41,667 But that's okay, I ain't worried. 372 00:17:41,667 --> 00:17:43,501 You know, uh, that happens. 373 00:17:43,501 --> 00:17:46,467 Uh, business will pick up. See, I ain't worried about nothin'. 374 00:17:46,467 --> 00:17:49,534 There ya are. Pepsi there. There's a bourbon for you. Scotch for you. 375 00:17:49,534 --> 00:17:51,234 Aren't you gonna have somethin'? 376 00:17:51,234 --> 00:17:54,334 Oh, no, I--I never touch nothin' strong on the job. 377 00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:55,534 Drink up. 378 00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:57,701 Here's to Archie's Place. 379 00:17:57,701 --> 00:17:59,734 Yeah. Here, here, Daddy. 380 00:17:59,734 --> 00:18:01,400 Well, listen, you know, I ain't perfect. 381 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:03,634 I--I make a mistake here and there. 382 00:18:03,634 --> 00:18:07,100 For instance, you know, buying the place and maybe, uh--uh, 383 00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:11,801 my mind chewed off more than a mind should bite. 384 00:18:11,801 --> 00:18:14,467 But, hey, listen. I was reading the paper the other day 385 00:18:14,467 --> 00:18:17,667 and seen an ad in the paper for one of these guys they call efficiency experts. 386 00:18:17,667 --> 00:18:20,634 An efficiency expert is a guy who works out a system of things. 387 00:18:20,634 --> 00:18:23,534 Systems, see? Systems for doin' things the right way. 388 00:18:23,534 --> 00:18:25,601 See? So I figure I'll answer that ad 389 00:18:25,601 --> 00:18:28,200 and get one of them efficiency experts guys to show me the system. 390 00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:29,834 And I'll listen to that guy, see? 391 00:18:29,834 --> 00:18:31,434 I will listen to that guy! 392 00:18:31,434 --> 00:18:33,968 Well, that makes sense. Doesn't it, Ma? It makes sense. 393 00:18:33,968 --> 00:18:35,501 Michael, doesn't that make sense? Michael? 394 00:18:35,501 --> 00:18:37,534 Oh, yeah. 395 00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:41,267 Oh, damn right it makes-- a system makes sense, see? 396 00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:43,300 And, uh, once I get on the system here, 397 00:18:43,300 --> 00:18:44,701 then the place will start to hum. 398 00:18:44,701 --> 00:18:46,033 [HUMMING] 399 00:18:46,033 --> 00:18:47,167 See? 400 00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:50,434 And one saloon, hey, one saloon could be two. 401 00:18:50,434 --> 00:18:51,601 Two is better than one. 402 00:18:51,601 --> 00:18:53,367 And why not three? Three's better than two. 403 00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:55,367 But I'll tell ya what's best of all-- 404 00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,767 a whole string of saloons. 405 00:18:57,767 --> 00:18:59,267 See, a whole string of them there. 406 00:18:59,267 --> 00:19:02,267 They could be novelty joints, they could be specialty joints. 407 00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:05,767 You know I was thinkin' curb service. You know, you've seen curb service. 408 00:19:05,767 --> 00:19:07,567 Well, maybe have a curb service there. 409 00:19:07,567 --> 00:19:11,000 Not maybe. The hell with it, I mean we'll have a curb service there! 410 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,133 And what about the motel, see? 411 00:19:13,133 --> 00:19:15,567 Now, you've all seen a bar in a motel. 412 00:19:15,567 --> 00:19:21,234 But whoever heard of a motel in a bar? 413 00:19:21,234 --> 00:19:23,601 Aah. 414 00:19:23,601 --> 00:19:26,767 Hey, you sell 'em all they want to drink there, 415 00:19:26,767 --> 00:19:29,868 then you charge 'em to sleep it off in the back. 416 00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:31,534 I even got a name for that-- 417 00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:33,634 Booze 'n Snooze. 418 00:19:33,634 --> 00:19:35,934 Booze 'n Snooze, Booze 'n Snooze, huh? 419 00:19:35,934 --> 00:19:37,200 - Nice. - Hey, yeah. 420 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,734 Hey, that's the way to success. 421 00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:41,467 So--so even when you're down a little bit there, 422 00:19:41,467 --> 00:19:43,634 a little success, see, and you're right up again. 423 00:19:43,634 --> 00:19:45,067 You know what I mean? Huh? 424 00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:46,767 - Daddy, that's--sure. - Sure? 425 00:19:46,767 --> 00:19:49,267 - Sit down, Archie. - Yeah, yeah, let me sit down. 426 00:19:49,267 --> 00:19:51,801 Well, did you hear about McDonald's? You know, McDonald's. 427 00:19:51,801 --> 00:19:55,701 The hamburger guy McDonald! All right, now, what the hell was McDonald 428 00:19:55,701 --> 00:19:58,501 but just a guy like me starting out with a shack and a hotplate 429 00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:00,734 and a couple of pounds of raw meat. That's all. 430 00:20:00,734 --> 00:20:02,934 Now the guy's a multi-billionaire. 431 00:20:02,934 --> 00:20:07,534 He's so rich, he don't have to eat his own hamburger for the rest of his life. 432 00:20:07,534 --> 00:20:09,734 Huh? Huh? 433 00:20:09,734 --> 00:20:11,901 Oh, geez, look at this. 434 00:20:11,901 --> 00:20:15,033 See, the flower's gone out of there. 435 00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:19,601 So, hey, McDonald, he's big. Yeah, but he ain't the only guy. 436 00:20:19,601 --> 00:20:22,200 McDonald's with his arches, see? McDonald's arches. 437 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:24,067 What about Archie's arches? 438 00:20:24,067 --> 00:20:26,334 See? Archie's golden arches. Archie's arches, huh? 439 00:20:26,334 --> 00:20:27,968 Does that sound good? 440 00:20:27,968 --> 00:20:32,601 There'd be a sign up there, see? "Over one billion belts of booze, boy" 441 00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:35,300 Hey, that's good. Say that fast. 442 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,734 A billion belts of booze, boy. Say that fast. Say it, say it, say it! 443 00:20:37,734 --> 00:20:40,267 ALL: One billion belts of booze, boy. 444 00:20:40,267 --> 00:20:42,234 Say it faster than that! A billion belts of booze, boy. 445 00:20:42,234 --> 00:20:44,501 A billion belts of booze, boy. Yeah, see? 446 00:20:44,501 --> 00:20:47,100 Say belts of booze-- And people will be trying to say that all over. 447 00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:48,968 They'll have it on the television quiz shows, you know? 448 00:20:48,968 --> 00:20:50,534 Say it fast. Billion belts of booze, boy. 449 00:20:50,534 --> 00:20:53,200 And a group of businesses-- a better business. 450 00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:54,601 Business better, better business. Say that, Edith. 451 00:20:54,601 --> 00:20:57,033 Better business, business better. 452 00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:58,033 Yeah, better business, see? 453 00:20:58,033 --> 00:20:59,067 And then, you know what? 454 00:20:59,067 --> 00:21:02,467 I see there also gas stations, see? 455 00:21:02,467 --> 00:21:06,734 But that ain't a gas station, 'cause the pumps, they ain't pumpin' gas. 456 00:21:06,734 --> 00:21:08,200 Ah ha ha. 457 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,534 They ain't pumpin' gas. 458 00:21:09,534 --> 00:21:11,267 You know what them pumps are pumpin'? 459 00:21:11,267 --> 00:21:13,334 There's a pump for bourbon. 460 00:21:13,334 --> 00:21:16,434 A pump for scotch. 461 00:21:16,434 --> 00:21:18,367 And then there's a premium pump, little girl. 462 00:21:18,367 --> 00:21:21,200 You know what the premium pump is pumpin' there? 463 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:23,801 Champagne. Huh? Huh? 464 00:21:23,801 --> 00:21:26,167 - What beautiful ideas, Daddy. - They're terrific, huh? 465 00:21:26,167 --> 00:21:28,033 Oh, look. 466 00:21:28,033 --> 00:21:29,601 There ain't no flower in that. 467 00:21:29,601 --> 00:21:30,934 Here. 468 00:21:30,934 --> 00:21:35,033 Archie, why don't you close up and come on home? 469 00:21:35,033 --> 00:21:37,100 Home, home! Home is wherever the operation is. 470 00:21:37,100 --> 00:21:39,100 The operation can go anywhere all over the world, Edith. 471 00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:43,000 The operation can go to, uh, Russia, China, huh? 472 00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:47,300 Even to the North Pole, where you got free ice cubes all around you there, huh? 473 00:21:47,300 --> 00:21:51,067 Um, Arch, what do you say I help you close up for tonight, huh? 474 00:21:51,067 --> 00:21:53,467 Close up is to close down! Close down is to go bust. 475 00:21:53,467 --> 00:21:55,334 You don't do that. You stay open all the time. 476 00:21:55,334 --> 00:21:56,834 Archie's will be open all the time. 477 00:21:56,834 --> 00:21:58,534 You start off this way. Here's the scam. 478 00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:00,901 One bar here, see? One bar in Queens. 479 00:22:00,901 --> 00:22:03,234 And then from Queens, then you spread out. 480 00:22:03,234 --> 00:22:04,868 You see here? 481 00:22:04,868 --> 00:22:06,467 Hey, Edith, here. 482 00:22:06,467 --> 00:22:08,868 Hey, take the flower from there and put it in here. 483 00:22:08,868 --> 00:22:10,834 And then you spread out. You go up to Jersey. 484 00:22:10,834 --> 00:22:12,434 What the hell am I talkin' about? 485 00:22:12,434 --> 00:22:15,100 I hate Jersey all my life. I don't want to go to Jersey. 486 00:22:15,100 --> 00:22:16,868 We'll go to Connecticut, see? 487 00:22:16,868 --> 00:22:18,734 Up there with all the swells in Connecticut. 488 00:22:18,734 --> 00:22:21,434 And then when the winter time comes along, the swells all go down to Florida. 489 00:22:21,434 --> 00:22:23,033 You move the operation down to Florida with them, 490 00:22:23,033 --> 00:22:25,267 because anything that goes big in Florida, 491 00:22:25,267 --> 00:22:27,033 boy, that's big every place, see? 492 00:22:27,033 --> 00:22:28,567 The whole thing down there. 493 00:22:28,567 --> 00:22:30,934 The curb service down there, see? 494 00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:32,367 And the Booze 'n Snooze there. 495 00:22:32,367 --> 00:22:35,067 Billion belts of booze, boy. And all of that. 496 00:22:35,067 --> 00:22:38,100 And the pumps with the bourbon and scotch and champagne! 497 00:22:38,100 --> 00:22:39,901 You'd make a million there, Edith, you know? 498 00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,701 You'd make a million there. 499 00:22:41,701 --> 00:22:45,300 Oh, hey, hey, don't look like that. I know what I'm doin'. 500 00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:46,801 I know what I'm doin', Edith. 501 00:23:02,534 --> 00:23:03,868 Yeah. 502 00:23:05,467 --> 00:23:06,434 Well. 503 00:23:09,367 --> 00:23:13,501 I--I don't know what I'm doin' at all. 504 00:23:13,501 --> 00:23:16,167 I--I don't--I don't know what I'm doin' here. 505 00:23:20,601 --> 00:23:25,834 I--I--I tried, Edith, you know. 506 00:23:25,834 --> 00:23:30,567 And Lord knows I try. 507 00:23:30,567 --> 00:23:35,868 But I was wrong, I--I should have listened to you, darling, you know. 508 00:23:35,868 --> 00:23:38,968 You told me not to open up no bar. 509 00:23:38,968 --> 00:23:44,467 But I wanted it...to be somethin' big, you know? 510 00:23:44,467 --> 00:23:47,200 But the hell with it I guess. 511 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:54,000 I'm just a...a working man. 512 00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:57,334 That's all I'll ever be. 513 00:23:59,868 --> 00:24:04,634 But I didn't mean no harm, Edith. 514 00:24:04,634 --> 00:24:07,267 I didn't mean no harm. 515 00:24:07,267 --> 00:24:10,200 It's all right, Archie. 516 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:12,734 I didn't mean no harm, Edith. 517 00:24:12,734 --> 00:24:16,067 Everything's gonna be all right, Archie. 518 00:24:16,067 --> 00:24:17,334 [CRYING] 519 00:24:17,334 --> 00:24:20,734 I didn't mean no harm, Edith. 520 00:24:20,734 --> 00:24:24,367 I didn't mean no harm. 521 00:24:41,868 --> 00:24:45,868 [♪♪♪] 522 00:24:45,868 --> 00:24:49,868 ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience. 523 00:24:49,918 --> 00:24:54,468 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39243

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