All language subtitles for All In the Family s07e24 Archie, the Liberal.eng

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Listen, Barney,
don't be layin' the whole blame on me!

How the hell was I to know that
that reporter wasn't an honest guy?!

Hi, Archie, I'm home!

Yeah, so am I, Edith.

Listen--listen--

you're already
the president of the lodge,

you wanna take over my job
as the membership chair-- I made meatloaf this morning,

it'll be ready in a minute!

I don't have to take
this kind of meatloaf from you!

I mean--

I don't have to take
this kind of guff from you!

You wanna take over
my chairman's gravel, go ahead and take it over!

And bang it yourself,
and hustle for members yourself,

and go to hell
while you're at it!

Edith, I'm lookin'
for my chairman's gravel.

It's in the closet.
Let me get ahold of that.

Wait a minute!
No! Don't--

You used my chairman's gravel
to prop up a shelf?

No, you did.

That's no excuse!

Archie,
why do you want it?

I want it because
I'm gonna turn it in to Barney Hefner.

Look at this here article
in the Flushing Tribune there.

"Local Clubs Discriminate."

This reporter
calls me up,

he pumps me for
a whole lot of information about our lodge,

then he writes this big story
that all the lodge brothers are bigots.

How do ya like that?
Could you call all of us guys bigots?

You see? You couldn't.

Well, Archie,
what did you say to the reporter?

I didn't know
he was a reporter in the first place,

and if I'd have known
that the three simple questions that I asked him

was gonna cause
a smear like this...

Well,
what was the questions?

Same questions
I ask everybody.

"Are you employed?"
"Are you an ex-con?"

"Are you a white man?"
That's all.

Oh, Archie,
you shouldn't ask nobody them questions.

What do you mean I shouldn't?

They shouldn't be writing
a big thing like that in the paper!

And they're lumping
our little club

with all them
snooty yacht clubs and tennis clubs

and social clubs
all over Long Island.

With all the fuss
they're making,

you'd think our little club
was Jimmy Carter's church.

But why does this
have to happen to me?

Hi, Arch.
Why does this have to happen to me?

Hi, Mike!
Hi, Mom.

I ain't got no time
to brandy words with you today,

and why the hell
are you sittin' at my table?

I forgot to
tell you, Archie.

Mike's having dinner
with us tonight.

I hope you're
cookin' for nine!

Oh, no...

See, Gloria
had to take Joey

to Staten Island
to see Al and Trudy.

Oh, I see...

And she missed
the five o'clock bus home

on account of Joey took
his four o'clock nap at 4:30.

- All right, Edith.
- And he has to sleep for an hour

so she didn't want
to wake him up.

So the next bus was 6:15.

Only Al missed his
six o'clock train coming home,

and he couldn't
take her to the bus station.

So Gloria and Joey

are stayin' at Al and Trudy's
for dinner tonight.

I guess they'll get
the eight o'clock bus home,

unless, of course,
Joey falls asleep...

[EDITH CONTINUES BABBLING]

Hey, Arch?

Why didn't you just stop her?

You can't!

If you don't stifle her
by the fifth sentence,

you just gotta wait
till she winds down herself.

Arch, I noticed
they mentioned your club

in this article
on discrimination.

I don't wanna say nothin'
about that article whatsoever!

- Okay.
- I'll say this...

that's all a pack of lies.

It is?
All right.

Tell me the name
of one black member of the Kings of Queens?

Bein' a private club,

I ain't sayin' nothin'
about our club whatsoever!

Okay.

I'll say this...

if we ain't got
a black member over there--

and I ain't admitting
we ain't got a black member over there--

there's only one very good
and very simple reason.

What's that?

The entire membership is white.

Then you do discriminate, Arch.

Your club's gonna be
in big financial trouble.

How?

If your club
practices discrimination,

you're not gonna get a tax break
on your property taxes for the clubhouse.

That ain't true!

It's true!

That's the stupidest thing
I ever heard! Shut up.

It's true.

[CONTINUES BABBLING]

If Gloria takes
the 9:30 bus,

she ain't gonna get home
until after midnight.

I know them busses
late at night.

You can never depend on them.

Why, I remember once
when I come home from work

by New Jersey, I didn't...

get home until one
in the morning.

Now, don't interrupt,
and don't start no stories

that don't end
in five sentences?

Now, back to you!

You take the Attorney General
of the United States--

he's got a right to
belong to a club

that don't have no Jews
and no blacks.

Then Archie Bunker's
got that right.

Arch, if you're gonna
take your lead from the Attorney General,

- why don't you do what he did?
- What did he do?

He quit his club.

Oh, yeah?
Then I'll quit my club.

Good. When?

When they make me
Attorney General.

Arch, don't you care anything

about the Constitution
of the United States?

Don't hit me with
that Commie crapola!

It's the Constitution!

Ain't got nothin' to do
with Americanism or America,

where a man's got the right
to join any club he pleases,

with all the men he likes,
and the men he likes got a right

to keep out all the mens
they don't likes.

You have that right.

But liking a man--

why should that have
anything to do with

whether a man is black,
a Jew, or Puerto Rican?

That's discrimination!

No, it ain't.
It's just being particular.

The paper is right.

The paper is trying to burn us
for a lot of things we don't do.

I don't see a line
in that paper

giving us credit
for the good things we do,

like keeping out
the Catholics.

You do practice discrimination!

Ah, shut up! You're always
shootin' off your face

about things you don't know
nothin' about!

Why don't you come down
with me to my club

and see what goes on there
with your own two eyes.

We got all kinds
of guys down there.

We got tall guys, short guys,

fat guys, skinny guys.

Guys with no hair,
too much hair.

No teeth, too much teeth.

We got a one-eyed guy.

We got a guy down there

we kind of suspect
that he's a midget.

[FORK DROPS]

Well, because he's
only four foot tall.

But nobody blames him for that,
nobody's mean to him.

We're all fair there--
tell you what we do.

In the men's room,
we built up a little box there.

So the man can stand up on that
and be comfortable.

He can feel that he's got
an equal shot at it, you know?

Nobody says nothin'
against that.

Maybe we laugh a little,
but never a harsh word.

[DOOR BELL]

Archie, would you get that?
I gotta look at the pie.

Yes, I'll get that.

All I got to say to you
is I wish I had

some of the time back
on my life

that I have wasted trying
to straighten out your head.

I think it'll come to
about nine years!

I've only known you seven.

Well, I count
the first two double!

I rounded up the guys
for a meeting.

- Talkin' to reporters, huh?
- How long, loose lips?

What?

You gonna have
a real live meeting here?

Yeah, a meeting here.

Say, Mike, there,
we're gonna have

a private lodge meeting here,

so if you don't--
Oh, will you scram!

It's all right, Arch.
I understand.

You don't want anybody
to be around while you put your sheets on.

Shut up, you!
Get outta here!

I gotta tell you
somethin', Arch.

The whole club membership
is really steamed about that article in the newspaper

- The way you talked to me...
- We're in trouble!

We could have every pinko
and lefty in town picketing the clubhouse!

The lefties don't want to
picket a bunch of nobodies like us.

I didn't mean that!
All right!

It slipped. You wanna
hold a meetin' on this?

Let's hold it
the regulation way.

Come on, we just
called a meeting to order here.

I'll take that, Arch.
This is a high-level meeting.

Wait a minute.
I'm the chairman of membership committee.

- I'm the president.
- But this is my house.

We don't care.

An emergency meeting
of the Kings of Queens

- is now in session.
- I got some things to say...

And the chair recognizes
Brother Pivnik.

First of all,
on a personal note, so to speak,

there's a lot of blacks
down at the plant

who ain't gonna be
too thrilled about readin' this.

And I got to work
with three of 'em that's tougher than me.

My wife Edith
is tougher than you.

[ARGUING]

All right,
just hold it down.

The chair recognizes
Brother Bunker.

All right, Mr. Chairman,

Now, I think, you know

with all due regrets
about you,

that, uh...

the time has come...

we gotta change
the membership rules, you know?

I...we gotta think about
lettin' in somebody different.

We already done that.
We let Lewinsky in.

Now we can't tell
Polish jokes no more.

Just a minute.
Brother Lewinsky tells his own Polish jokes.

Yeah, but he
tells 'em all wrong!

[LAUGHING]

All right, try to
contain yourselves there.

The Chair recognizes
Brother Bunker again.

Well, see,
what I mean is this:

You've all heard
the old saying, you know...

"A stitch in time
gathers no moss."

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Whatever!

But what I'm tryin' to say is
the heat is on us,

and we gotta take it off.

What we gotta do,
I think...

now, don't jump on me...

is let in one Jew
and one black--

don't say nothin' yet!

Just think about it,
will ya's? Just think about it.

Now, what do ya say?

Oh, no!
Don't walk away from me!

We're gonna lose the lodge!
Lose the lodge!

Lose the lodge!

I am thinkin' about somethin'
that you dummies ain't thinkin' about!

Maybe I'm the only person
in the world tonight

that is thinkin' about
this one thing,

and that is
how we lose a tax break

on the clubhouse property.

- That ain't true!
- I done my homework there.

Consulted my own tax expert
H & R Kraut, there.

I'm gonna tell you right now
it most certainly is true,

but then it don't have to hap--
If it does happen,

the extra expense,
where are we gonna find it?

It ain't in our own pockets.
We lose the lodge.

We open the door
just this much, see?

It takes that heat off.
Nobody bothers for the next 68 years.

By that time,
we're too old to care anymore.

But, Arch...
a Jew and a black?

I know just who,
and wait'll you see the nice way this works out.

Okay. Who's
the black guy?

The black guy,
he's a guy that Hank Pivnik knows.

He works with Hank and me
down at the plant

and lives over there
in College Point...

Solomon Jackson.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, well,
there's your black guy.

Okay, who's
the Jewish guy?

Solomon Jackson.

He's a black and a Jew?

A two-time loser.

Archie! Are you home?

Yeah,
I'm home, Edith.

Well, so am I.

Are the fellas here yet?

No, the fellas
won't be coming over till later.

Did you get everything
I told you to get?

I think so.

There's a very unusual
guest of honor today,

you know, a guy
that's black and Jewish all at once. Wow.

Well, here's the ribs
from Colonel Sanders...

and here's the chopped liver
from Goldberger's delicatessen.

And here's your wine...
That's it, that's the stuff.

Oh, yeah,
that's terrific.

See, this is using
the old bean here.

In case he's feeling
a little more colored than usual,

a bottle of Ripple, see?

And in case he's more
in a Jewish frame of mood, we got the Manischewitz.

[DOORBELL]

- That must be him...
- I'll get that.

No, no, Edith,
let me answer the door!

No, let me answer.
I said I--

When I say I'm answering
the door, why do you run?

I always do.

Ah, jeez.
Stand back, will ya.

Hurry up!

- [DOORBELL]
- I'll be right there.

Remember, please,
you know,

act ordinary,
very pleasant.

Just make the guy feel
like he's a real person.

But that's--
that's what he is.

Good, good,
Keep that up, keep that up.

- Hello!
- Hiya there, Sol.

Come on in
and say hello to the wife.

Edith, this is
Solomon Jackson from work.

How do you do,
Mr. Jackson?

Let me have
your jacket.

- It's so nice of you--
- Don't wear the man out with heavy conversation.

Just hang up the coat.
Come on in, Sol.

Make yourself at home.

Sit down on the sofa--
the hell with the sofa, use my chair!

Because that's
the most comfortable chair in the house.

The first thing I wanna do
is, you know, thank you

for coming over here,
giving up your Saturday afternoon,

which I know is
a religious holy day for you people,

the name of which--
what is that?

- Shabbas.
- Correct.

Can I get you
a little refreshment?

A little refreshment.
That's right in order, Edith.

Go ahead and do that.
Bring us an ice cold bottle of Ripple out there, see?

Yeah, oh, that's
my favorite wine, boy.

I-I love that better
than anything.

I didn't know that, Archie.

Well, the years
have tired ya out

and you forget things.
Go away!

From now on
I'll buy it for ya all the time.

It's a lot cheaper
than beer.

Yeah. It's a hell
of a lot better, too, you know? Yeah.

I don't really
care for it.

I've gone off it myself lately
to tell you the truth.

Say, Edith, 86 the ripple,

and bring us a couple of
delicious ice cold cans of beer.

EDITH: All right!

Well, well, well...

I'm so glad that
we could finally get together.

Why?

Why? Uh, well, you know,

the kind of guy I am
I like to make friendships,

you know, wherever,

irregardless of
nothing pertaining to

anything particular
whatever, you know?

There are not many people who
could phrase it just that way.

Well, I like to think
I'm one of them.

You are.

And you are a credit
to your race.

Oh, well thank you
very much, Sol,

and you're a credit
to your race, too.

I mean both of them.

[DOORBELL]

Holy cow, the front door!

What do you know?

Jeez, I wonder who
could be ringing that door.

Without even an invitation,

in the middle of a man's
Saturday afternoon--

- What'd you call that again?
- Shabbas

Correct again.
What a memory.

Let's let 'em in, huh?

Well, well!

- Well, put it to me.
- Hi, Arch!

Hey, Sol, I want you to meet
three close friends of mine.

- Hi, Sol, I'm Harry.
- How are ya, Harry?

- You know me, I'm Hank.
- Right, yeah.

And this is Barney Hefner, Sol.
He's the president of our lodge.

Here's your beer! Oh!

Edith, you're gonna
have to get some more beers

because look who just dropped in
right out of the blue?

Yeah. We was
expectin' ya.

Excuse us just a minute.

Edith, come out
to the kitchen about some little thing...

- We shouldn't--
- It'll be just a minute. Be right back, fellas.

Do you know how tired I am
of living with your foot in my mouth?

I don't know
what you mean.

Keep yourself busy out here,
and I'll handle the guests.

Wait a minute,
I'll serve the beer.

- You don't have to--
- I will serve the cold beer.

Your warm conversation
takes the chill off the cans.

Here we are, guys!
If you want anything done,

you always do it yourself, huh?

There you go!
Excuse my behind, Sol.

There's one.
You just help yourself.

Oh, jeez!
Sorry there.

I hope I didn't
get the shin there.

Well, here we all are,
and as the Scotch Jew said,

Lachheim! Ha Ha Ha!

TOGETHER: Lachheim!

Hey, you know
who's a funny guy? Flip Wilson.

But not as funny
as Myron Cohen.

Well, you like
both of them, don't ya?

- Yeah!
- Then say that.

You know, I really like
that TV picture, uh,

The Raid on Entebbe.

Oh, yeah. Them Israelis
really did a good job.

Leave it to a Jew
to pull a fast one.

Uh, all I mean is that...

It's a...

It's a good example
of Jewish brains.

Listen, why did you
invite me by here today?

Well, uh, like I was sayin'
to you before the guys come, you know,

that we never have a chance to
talk to each other down at work.

Yeah, but you can
talk to me at any time.

As a matter of fact,
you did speak to me at lunch once.

Yeah, when?

About five years ago.

Oh...
Ain't that wonderful?

A man can remember
after five years

a little insignificant
detail like that?

That's my Jewish brain.

[LAUGHING]

It certainly doesn't take much

to get a laugh around here,
does it?

[LAUGHING]

Hey, Arch, it just hit me--

you know what we need
down at the Kings of Queens?

A guy like Sol here
with a great sense of humor.

Barney, what a hell
of an idea.

And, I,
the membership chairman, never thought of that myself?

Sol, let me ask you:

Did you ever hear
of our club the Kings of Queens?

Mmm...

Is that that fag joint
down near the bus station?

No, no...

No, no.

No, that's another--

No, that's the Queens of Queens.

Our club is the Kings of Queens.

The Kings is all men.

So is the Queens.

Yeah, Sol, but you know

I mean real American guys

like he-man guys
like all of us here.

And we think that
you belong with us.

Tell me about it.

Yeah, sure.

Well, it's a swell club, Sol,

and one of the main things
about our club is

it ain't got a whole lot
of pain-in-the-neck rules, you know?

Like we never insist
that a new member

comes to all the meetings,
do we fellas?

ALL: Right!

I can become a member, and I
don't have to show up at all?

No, you don't have to show up
or nothin'.

Nothin' at all.

I mean like any
of the social events there,

the annual picnic
with the wives and families.

You could stay away,
now, couldn't he, guys?

ALL: Stay away!

And then we've got
all the facilities

of the club there,
you know.

We got a pool,
a handball court.

We got a little
refreshment bar, a new library there...

You guys got books?

Books, no.
The TV set is in there.

You know, Roots
was my favorite TV show?

Oh, yeah, Roots.
But the slavery filled me with shame.

But gettin' back
to all the facilities.

See, you don't have to use
none of them facilities at all.

And then January 1st
you get a whole list through the mail

of all the club's
yearly events to stay away from.

But if I don't have to show up,

what do you need me for?

Well, we need you
'cause the club has got to--

Any club nowadays
will tell you the same thing.

It's not just our club,
but all of the clubs are feelin' the thing--

I'll tell you what it is, Sol.

Every club needs
a certain amount of absentee members.

This is kind of
a new thing.

You mean you're having
an absentee membership drive?

That's it, Sol,
and we're startin' early.

Startin' early.
And--and we're startin' the first one with you.

So, Sol,
what do ya say?

Fellas, you know
what makes me feel bad?

No, what's that, Sol?

That terrible article that was
in the Flushing Tribune.

ARCHIE:
Oh, that a was a lie.

Now, why did it say
that the Kings of Queens

was full of bigots?

They're a bunch
of lies there, Sol.

And here we are,
sitting like brothers...

and you guys
are ready to take me in.

No, we want you in there.
We want you.

And, fellas,
I am accepting!

[CHEERING]

Sit down there.
Sit down.

I'd love to stay longer,
but I promised my son

I'd get home to
help him write his Bar Mitzvah speech.

Oh, his Bar Mitzvah.
Ain't that nice?

But I am in!

[CHEERING]

Terrific.
That's terrific!

You know the first thing
I'm gonna do as a new member?

No, what?

I am going to bring in
more new members!

Hold on,
wait a minute...

I am going to spearhead
that membership drive,

and when I say spear,

baby, I mean spear!

I'm gonna bus in
a load of my brothers

from the Jackson Heights
Synagogue...

Wait a minute, Sol...

And I'm gonna bring in
another one

from the Congress
of Racial Equality.

No, no, Sol.

Oh, yeah. All big mothers.

And my Jewish brothers
are gonna look like those Entebbe commandos.

And my black brothers
are gonna look like

those big, angry slaves

that was on your
favorite TV program, Roots!

And we all
want to be initiated at the same time.

Lachheim!

Wait, Sol, I think
we better talk about this...

Archie, brother,
you are going to love it.

Your club will take on
a whole new color.

As a matter of fact,
we're going to have to change the name.

Let me see now.
Ah! I got it.

The Kings of Queens
of Spades!

Now...

let me hear from ya!

And in the meantime,
Shalom, y'all!

Ah, he don't mean that.

But, uh...

if he means it, we gotta
look on the bright side, you know?

Nobody could take us
in basketball.

♪

All In The Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by
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