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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:04,435
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,437 --> 00:00:07,772
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,809
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,811 --> 00:00:13,311
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:16,715
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:19,884
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:19,886 --> 00:00:25,056
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:28,192
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:31,295
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:35,433
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:41,206
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:48,881 --> 00:00:51,382
[SNORING]
13
00:00:56,788 --> 00:00:58,957
[SNORING]
14
00:01:03,462 --> 00:01:05,897
[SNORING]
15
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,631
Archie.
16
00:01:10,702 --> 00:01:12,503
Archie.
17
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:18,076
Archie,
wake up!
18
00:01:19,211 --> 00:01:20,578
Archie!
19
00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:23,248
Oh, would you
leave me alone?
20
00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:25,850
I was right in the middle
of a beautiful dream.
21
00:01:25,852 --> 00:01:28,652
I was singin' with
Tommy Dorsey's band.
22
00:01:28,654 --> 00:01:30,288
Let me get back.
23
00:01:30,290 --> 00:01:32,323
No, wake up!
24
00:01:32,325 --> 00:01:34,525
Don't hit me!
Wake up!
25
00:01:34,527 --> 00:01:36,261
All right, all right!
26
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,529
I-I smell something.
27
00:01:38,531 --> 00:01:40,799
Is it me?
28
00:01:42,668 --> 00:01:44,268
Oh...
29
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,403
no.
30
00:01:45,405 --> 00:01:48,439
Well,
then don't bother me!
31
00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:51,943
I-I smell--
I smell somethin' awful.
32
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:54,946
It's only New York,
Edith.
33
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:58,516
No, it's comi''
from the hall.
34
00:02:07,126 --> 00:02:08,192
[GASPS]
35
00:02:11,263 --> 00:02:14,298
[COUGHS]
36
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:15,833
[COUGHING]
Archie!
37
00:02:15,835 --> 00:02:17,268
Archie, wake up!
38
00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:19,104
There's a fire
in the bathroom!
39
00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,505
- Quick, get up, Archie!
- [ARCHIE GRUMBLES]
40
00:02:20,507 --> 00:02:21,506
Come on, quick!
41
00:02:21,508 --> 00:02:22,974
Oh, Arch, now, get up!
42
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,442
Get up, Archie!
43
00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:25,977
Get up!
44
00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,812
- There's a fire
in the bathroom! - [ARCHIE GRUMBLES]
45
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,747
- It's full of smoke!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah...
46
00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:31,449
Come on, Archie, please!
47
00:02:31,451 --> 00:02:33,451
- Get up! Come on!
- [ARCHIE GRUMBLING]
48
00:02:33,453 --> 00:02:36,254
- Get up, Archie!
- No, don't pull me. Don't pull me.
49
00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:38,756
- Fire.
- [ARCHIE MUMBLES]
50
00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:41,826
No! Oh, Archie!
Come here!
51
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,995
- Come here!
- [ARCHIE MUMBLING]
52
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:45,997
No, no, don't go
to sleep, dammit!
53
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:48,133
- Edith, don't
hit me no more. - Quick, Archie!
54
00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:50,335
- ARCHIE: Come on...
- There's a fire!
55
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:54,071
There's no fire in
the bathroom, Edith!
56
00:02:54,073 --> 00:02:56,774
Holy cow!
What a fire!
57
00:02:56,776 --> 00:02:59,244
Oh! Oh, Teresa!
58
00:02:59,246 --> 00:03:01,178
[KNOCKING]
Wake up! Fire!
59
00:03:01,180 --> 00:03:02,513
Fire! Fire!
60
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:05,516
We've got a fire.
Yell for water.
61
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:08,453
Water! Water!
[BANGING]
62
00:03:08,455 --> 00:03:11,155
- TERESA: Is everybody okay?
- What the hell's going on, anyway, Edith?
63
00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:12,990
- There's a fire
in the bathroom! - [YELLING IN SPANISH]
64
00:03:12,992 --> 00:03:15,059
- It's full of smoke.
No, don't go in. - [ALL YELLING]
65
00:03:15,061 --> 00:03:18,429
Shut up,
shut up, shut up!
66
00:03:18,431 --> 00:03:23,068
Stifle, you.
Stifle-ito, you.
67
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,403
Oh, I know just
what we gotta do, Edith.
68
00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:27,439
Yeah, we'll call
the fire department!
69
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:30,075
- I was gonna say that.
- Hurry! Quick!
70
00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:33,011
[ALL YELLING]
71
00:03:37,449 --> 00:03:39,817
Go on, do it!
Get on the phone.
72
00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,852
Call the fire department,
will you?
73
00:03:41,854 --> 00:03:43,454
EDITH:
Fire, fire...
74
00:03:43,456 --> 00:03:45,289
- What are you
jumping around about? - Oh, I'm so nervous.
75
00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:46,457
I'm so nervous!
76
00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:47,492
Well, you just
better hold it,
77
00:03:47,494 --> 00:03:49,227
because the bathroom
ain't in service,
78
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,694
and it's all your fault.
79
00:03:50,696 --> 00:03:51,996
It's my fault?
80
00:03:51,998 --> 00:03:53,998
Yes, yes, you blew out
the electricity.
81
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:57,768
What was ya doing,
frica-stewin' a chicken on a hot plate?
82
00:03:57,770 --> 00:03:59,503
No!
83
00:03:59,505 --> 00:04:01,605
I fixed the fuse
that you blew before dinner.
84
00:04:01,607 --> 00:04:03,474
You must've did
something else there.
85
00:04:03,476 --> 00:04:05,910
Hurry up, Edith.
Hurry up there, will ya?
86
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,611
- [STAMMERING]
- Don't wave your finger up in the air.
87
00:04:07,613 --> 00:04:09,880
Stick it
in the holes here.
88
00:04:09,882 --> 00:04:12,783
- Dial 1-1-9.
- No! 9-1-1!
89
00:04:12,785 --> 00:04:14,785
That's what I said!
Forget it.
90
00:04:14,787 --> 00:04:17,121
Go on upstairs
and get dressed, will ya?
91
00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:18,223
When the men come here,
92
00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:20,524
I want them gazin'
at the fire in the can,
93
00:04:20,526 --> 00:04:23,828
not the fire
in your Spanish eyes.
94
00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:24,829
[CLAPS]
Oh, my guitar!
95
00:04:24,831 --> 00:04:26,998
- Your what?
- My guitar!
96
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,900
Oh, guitar.
If it wasn't for you wakin' up,
97
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:31,235
we'd all be playing
harps around here.
98
00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:33,204
EDITH: Operator!
Operator!
99
00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:35,306
This is Edith Bunker!
We're on fire!
100
00:04:35,308 --> 00:04:36,908
Better get your coat on.
Here, give me your...
101
00:04:36,910 --> 00:04:39,977
We ain't on fire.
It's our house that's on fire.
102
00:04:39,979 --> 00:04:41,478
Put it in the other hand,
will ya, Edith?
103
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,681
Well, not the whole house.
Just one room.
104
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,750
EDITH: The bathroom!
105
00:04:45,752 --> 00:04:48,252
704 Hauser Street.
106
00:04:48,254 --> 00:04:50,621
Yeah, yeah.
It's easy to find!
107
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:53,357
You just go down
Northern Boulevard East,
108
00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:56,227
and then you--
you turn right
109
00:04:56,229 --> 00:04:58,129
at the Rexall Drugstore.
110
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,464
All right, don't keep
yappin' at them.
111
00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:00,765
You'll make them
so nervous
112
00:05:00,767 --> 00:05:02,500
they'll jump for
the fire poles and miss.
113
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:04,469
- EDITH: All right.
- Give me the telephone. I wanna call.
114
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,270
- I'll see ya soon!
Yeah, thank you. - Yeah, come on, hurry up.
115
00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:09,073
- Get off of the phone.
- I guess we'd better get our clothes!
116
00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:10,608
Never mind that,
Edith.
117
00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,710
There ain't no clothes
up there that I wanna save.
118
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:15,212
Oh, what about
your Army uniform?
119
00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:16,881
I was only a Private.
Let it burn.
120
00:05:18,583 --> 00:05:21,485
Oh, well, I'm gonna get
my wedding dress!
121
00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:22,620
Wait a minute.
You wanna die?
122
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:24,622
My grandmother's brooch!
123
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:25,723
Y-You wanna die, Edith?
124
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:27,725
And our
family picture albums!
125
00:05:27,727 --> 00:05:29,327
If you find
the album, Edith,
126
00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:31,663
throw it at the fire.
127
00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,198
Oh!
128
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,833
If you really wanna
risk your life for something,
129
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:38,602
money, top of the closet
on the shelf there--
130
00:05:38,604 --> 00:05:40,938
my secret cigar box
I never told you about
131
00:05:40,940 --> 00:05:43,174
with $108 in it.
132
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,541
109!
133
00:05:49,581 --> 00:05:50,848
Hello?
134
00:05:50,850 --> 00:05:52,383
Uh, h-hello, Meathead.
135
00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:55,053
Yeah. Yeah, well,
I know you was in bed.
136
00:05:55,055 --> 00:05:57,121
Where else?
137
00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:59,957
Just put off what you
was doing, will ya?
138
00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:01,959
Get your pajamas on
and get over here.
139
00:06:01,961 --> 00:06:04,195
My house is on fire!
140
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,763
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
141
00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:07,164
Who the hell is that?
142
00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:08,600
MAN:
It's Barney, Arch!
143
00:06:08,602 --> 00:06:10,101
Ol' Barney Hefner, huh?
144
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:12,670
Your dog killed
my peonies today, Barney.
145
00:06:12,672 --> 00:06:14,105
What do you want now?
146
00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,273
Hey, Arch, there's
a lot of smoke
147
00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:16,440
coming out
of your bathroom.
148
00:06:16,442 --> 00:06:17,809
What's going on?
149
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,511
The bathroom's
on fire.
150
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:21,879
Oh, gee! Fire, fire!
Everybody up!
151
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:24,048
Come on out!
Fire! Fire!
152
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,883
- We know that, Barney.
- Oh, yeah?
153
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,084
And the wind
from your lungs
154
00:06:27,086 --> 00:06:28,152
will fan the flames
155
00:06:28,154 --> 00:06:29,821
all the way up
to Long Island City.
156
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:32,256
Will you help me save
some of the furniture, huh?
157
00:06:32,258 --> 00:06:33,390
- Sure, sure, Arch.
- All right.
158
00:06:33,392 --> 00:06:34,558
Now, listen, grab that--
159
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,794
Uh, Barney, let's work on
the same item, huh?
160
00:06:36,796 --> 00:06:38,930
- Get my chair,
first of all. - [GRUNTS]
161
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:41,199
- Now, g-go easy.
It's into my "groan" here. - Yeah, all right.
162
00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:42,233
Take it easy!
163
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,901
[YELLING]
164
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,169
ARCHIE: All right,
come on, come on!
165
00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:48,005
Wait a minute, Archie.
I'll help you!
166
00:06:48,007 --> 00:06:49,140
Here you go.
167
00:06:49,142 --> 00:06:50,341
[GROANS]
168
00:06:52,077 --> 00:06:53,745
Come on, now!
Don't got all day.
169
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:56,480
- ARCHIE: Just put it
down on the lawn... - All right, Arch.
170
00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:59,350
- [DOG BARKS]
- Hey, Barney, your dog's out here on our lawn.
171
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:01,019
ARCHIE: He's jumping
all over my leg.
172
00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:02,386
BARNEY: Well, he's
a little excited.
173
00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:04,388
Well, tell him I ain't
another mutt, will ya?
174
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:05,723
[DOG BARKING]
175
00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:07,892
What are you doing now?
What is this here?
176
00:07:07,894 --> 00:07:09,727
Oh, that's my picture
of Wayne Newton.
177
00:07:09,729 --> 00:07:11,495
I ain't talking about that.
I'm talking about this.
178
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:14,632
Oh, that's my patron saint
Teresa de la Rosa.
179
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:15,867
And you wonder
why we had a fire.
180
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:17,001
Don't you know
it's bad luck
181
00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:19,003
to keep "icrons"
in a Christian home?
182
00:07:19,005 --> 00:07:20,672
Well, if she
started the fire,
183
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,339
I'm sorry.
184
00:07:22,341 --> 00:07:24,808
- [CRYING]
- "Sorry" don't help the fire, Teresa.
185
00:07:24,810 --> 00:07:26,610
Miss Old Leary's cow
was sorry,
186
00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:28,779
but Cleveland
burned anyway.
187
00:07:30,382 --> 00:07:31,515
Is everybody all right?
188
00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:33,684
Oh, Teresa and your
mother-in-law are all right.
189
00:07:33,686 --> 00:07:36,687
I'm suffering a little bit
from smoke "exhilaration."
190
00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:38,189
- Where's the fire?
- [GLORIA PANTING]
191
00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:39,857
The fire is up
in the can.
192
00:07:39,859 --> 00:07:41,792
Hey, Arch.
Arch, maybe if I get the garden hose,
193
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,294
it'll reach up
to the second floor.
194
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,762
You know what I think
you ought to do? Get the garden hose.
195
00:07:44,764 --> 00:07:46,697
I think it'll reach up
to the second floor.
196
00:07:46,699 --> 00:07:48,166
Right. I'll get
your ladder.
197
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:49,701
Don't do nothin'
before you get my ladder.
198
00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,002
You can't work
without that.
199
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,504
- Go ahead.
- Good thinking.
200
00:07:53,506 --> 00:07:55,306
[CRYING]
Ma!
201
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,909
Oh, Gloria!
202
00:07:57,911 --> 00:07:59,310
Ma!
203
00:08:00,946 --> 00:08:02,947
- Our home is burning!
- [BOTH CRYING]
204
00:08:02,949 --> 00:08:05,549
- Barney, come on
in here, will ya? - Yeah, be right in.
205
00:08:05,551 --> 00:08:07,118
Well, let's move
some of this stuff.
206
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,953
- [GRUNTS]
Jeez, grab that, will ya? - Oh, yeah.
207
00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:11,022
- I'll take this.
- All right.
208
00:08:11,024 --> 00:08:14,191
- [CRYING]
- Help me save things that are important!
209
00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:17,028
[BAWLING]
210
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:19,030
Auntie Alda's
napkin rings!
211
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,533
Oh, yeah! Yeah, that
was a weddin' present!
212
00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:24,002
[CONTINUES CRYING]
Oh, Ma!
213
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,004
Don't forget my
bronze baby booties!
214
00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:29,206
Oh, yeah! They're
right over here!
215
00:08:29,208 --> 00:08:31,676
Ma! Look what you
almost forgot!
216
00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:32,911
Your trading stamps!
217
00:08:32,913 --> 00:08:36,147
Oh, I'm three books away
from a dice-and-slicer!
218
00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:38,215
Oh, Ma!
Look, the camel!
219
00:08:38,217 --> 00:08:39,717
- Don't forget the camel!
- Oh, my camel!
220
00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:42,186
I don't want my camel
to burn!
221
00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:43,487
Ma, the elephant!
222
00:08:43,489 --> 00:08:47,058
Oh, my elephant!
I don't want my elephant to burn!
223
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,927
Ma, the pink swan!
224
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,194
Oh, my pink swan!
225
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:53,597
I don't want my pink swan
to burn!
226
00:08:53,599 --> 00:08:54,832
Oh, Ma!
227
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:56,200
Don't forget my baby dish
228
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:57,868
with Brownie the Clownie
on the bottom!
229
00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,403
Oh, yeah!
[MUTTERS]
230
00:08:59,405 --> 00:09:02,440
And my Tupperware
certificate of merit!
231
00:09:04,643 --> 00:09:08,079
I think that's okay
if it burns.
232
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,713
Come on, you women!
You gotta desert the place and promise--
233
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:11,182
Where the hell
is your mother?
234
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:13,317
She's saving
Brownie the Clownie in the kitchen.
235
00:09:13,319 --> 00:09:15,920
Oh, jeez, now I can face
the worst knowing that.
236
00:09:15,922 --> 00:09:18,589
Oh, look, I got
Brownie the Clownie!
237
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:20,625
- Oh, wait a minute!
- Where you goin' now?
238
00:09:20,627 --> 00:09:23,628
- Grab the TV trays!
- Never mind the TV trays.
239
00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:25,630
Edith, come on!
Let's get out of here.
240
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:27,799
- What are you doin' now?
- Oh, my parrot!
241
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:29,567
No, we don't want
that parrot, Edith!
242
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,869
- And our pictures!
- Please. Oh, come on, come on.
243
00:09:31,871 --> 00:09:32,970
- Pictures, pictures!
- Out, out, Edith.
244
00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:34,305
Come on. Let's go!
245
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:37,141
There's my panther,
my beautiful panther!
246
00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:40,411
I thought you'd leave
a few of these things for the looters!
247
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:41,746
Oh, come on!
248
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:42,880
Hurry or you'll burn!
249
00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:44,449
Come on,
get out of here!
250
00:09:44,451 --> 00:09:46,183
- Barney, come here.
Come here. - Yeah. Yeah, Arch.
251
00:09:46,185 --> 00:09:48,118
Listen, in--
in your opinion, Barney,
252
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,588
exactly how much time
does it take for an upstairs fire
253
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:51,989
to get downstairs?
254
00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:53,257
Oh, not long, Arch.
255
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,492
- Then we ain't
got much time. - Right.
256
00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:56,661
- Grab that sofa.
- Okay.
257
00:09:56,663 --> 00:09:58,429
Okay. Jeez, it's
awful heavy here, Barney.
258
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,597
- Watch it, watch it.
- All right.
259
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,031
- [GROANS]
- Oh, jeez. Oh, Barney.
260
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:02,467
[BOTH GROANING]
261
00:10:02,469 --> 00:10:05,803
Barney. Oh, wait.
Put it down. Down, down, Barney.
262
00:10:05,805 --> 00:10:07,972
Oh, my God.
263
00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,539
- Barney.
- Yeah?
264
00:10:09,541 --> 00:10:11,008
Do you think
this'll burn?
265
00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:13,478
No, Arch.
It's too heavy.
266
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,746
- ARCHIE: Come on!
- EDITH: Archie, don't forget the sofa!
267
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:21,018
- [BOTH GROAN]
- ARCHIE: Jeez!
268
00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:23,320
I don't think it's gonna fit
through the door, Arch.
269
00:10:23,322 --> 00:10:24,555
Well, Barney,
how did it get in here?
270
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:26,057
It wasn't born here.
271
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:28,158
Come on,
get it out, Barney.
272
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:30,161
Now, don't go too fast.
Don't push me off the porch.
273
00:10:30,163 --> 00:10:31,662
- I don't wanna go off
the porch, Barney. - [DOG BARKING]
274
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:33,964
ARCHIE: I mopped
the porch finally!
275
00:10:33,966 --> 00:10:35,432
[ARCHIE GROANS]
276
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:38,669
Barney, your dog is
hoisting his hind leg at me now.
277
00:10:38,671 --> 00:10:40,237
BARNEY: Down!
Cut it out, Sam!
278
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:41,706
Save it for the fire!
279
00:10:43,308 --> 00:10:45,075
I gotta get the rest
of the stuff here.
280
00:10:45,077 --> 00:10:46,610
Okay, what do we got?
What do we got?
281
00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:47,812
Well, we got the buffet
over there.
282
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:48,946
Telephone stand here.
283
00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:50,281
Dining room table
and chairs.
284
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,249
What the hell
am I talking about? My television set.
285
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:54,084
- Grab that right now.
- Wait. Wait a minute, Arch.
286
00:10:54,086 --> 00:10:55,953
Wait a minute.
It just hit me.
287
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:58,155
You got fire insurance,
ain't ya?
288
00:10:58,157 --> 00:10:59,223
Why, certainly.
289
00:10:59,225 --> 00:11:01,225
I pay very heavy
semi-annual premiums
290
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:02,660
four times a year.
291
00:11:04,395 --> 00:11:06,831
What are we knocking
ourselves out for?
292
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,066
If all this furniture
gets ruined,
293
00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:11,135
you get new furniture
for free.
294
00:11:11,137 --> 00:11:12,903
Eeh...
295
00:11:14,372 --> 00:11:15,906
You mean the insurance...
296
00:11:15,908 --> 00:11:16,841
Ah!
297
00:11:18,009 --> 00:11:20,545
Oh, oh, oh, oh...
298
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:22,713
Hey, Barney.
299
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:23,815
Yeah?
300
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,716
- You know what
we gotta do? - No.
301
00:11:25,718 --> 00:11:28,452
- All the furniture we
carried out of there... - Yeah?
302
00:11:28,454 --> 00:11:30,354
- We gotta get that
back in here! - [SIRENS BLARING OUTSIDE]
303
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:33,023
Wait. Wait a minute!
Wait a minute, Arch!
304
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:34,759
- [SIRENS BLARING]
- You hear that?
305
00:11:34,761 --> 00:11:36,693
The firemen
are here already. We ain't got time.
306
00:11:36,695 --> 00:11:38,629
Well, how the hell
am I gonna collect on all that junk
307
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:40,865
unless we get it in
where the fire is?
308
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:42,432
Yeah, but the fire's
still up there!
309
00:11:42,434 --> 00:11:44,501
But you think
it's coming down here!
310
00:11:44,503 --> 00:11:46,737
- Well, look--
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
311
00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:48,839
And that's what
he thinks, too.
312
00:11:48,841 --> 00:11:51,308
Is this
704 Hauser Street?
313
00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:52,710
Yes, it is!
314
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,912
ARCHIE: Hey, hey!
Hey, hey!
315
00:11:54,914 --> 00:11:56,146
- Is this
704 Hauser Street? - Yes, it is!
316
00:11:56,148 --> 00:11:57,414
FIREMAN: All right,
you guys, come on!
317
00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:59,049
Come on, you guys!
Get in here!
318
00:11:59,051 --> 00:12:01,185
Rosenbloom,
what are you doing?!
319
00:12:01,187 --> 00:12:02,687
I'm cuttin' my way in.
320
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:04,322
The door is open!
321
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:07,191
Oh...then this
is a shame!
322
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:10,561
Arch,
it's all over.
323
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,630
- What is all over?
- I put out the fire.
324
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:15,333
- Oh, gee, why'd you do that?
- Well, that's good to hear. Thank you.
325
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:16,967
- All right, you guys,
wrap it up, come on! - Wait a minute!
326
00:12:16,969 --> 00:12:18,302
Hey, listen!
Don't you think you ought to leave
327
00:12:18,304 --> 00:12:20,104
Rosenbloom here
with the ax,
328
00:12:20,106 --> 00:12:21,972
'cause after a fire,
there's a lot of smolderin' stuff left
329
00:12:21,974 --> 00:12:24,475
that ought to be
chopped up!
330
00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,909
The fire's out.
331
00:12:30,649 --> 00:12:32,115
Do you know how to swim?
332
00:12:34,085 --> 00:12:35,286
Yeah.
333
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:37,020
Then why don't you
take a runnin' jump
334
00:12:37,022 --> 00:12:39,156
into the middle
of Lake Polack?
335
00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:51,569
♪ We're in the money,
insurance money ♪
336
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:55,972
♪ They'll have a lot of
what it takes to get along ♪
337
00:12:55,974 --> 00:12:57,508
♪ Boom boom boom boom ♪
338
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,677
♪ We're in the money... ♪
339
00:13:02,547 --> 00:13:04,414
What?
340
00:13:04,416 --> 00:13:05,916
What are you doing?
341
00:13:05,918 --> 00:13:08,452
Did you ever hear
of smoke damage?
342
00:13:10,355 --> 00:13:12,022
Did you ever hear
of fraud?
343
00:13:12,024 --> 00:13:14,258
Did you ever hear
of gettin' lucky?
344
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:16,326
Did you ever hear
of going to jail?
345
00:13:16,328 --> 00:13:18,462
Did you ever hear
of shut up?
346
00:13:20,566 --> 00:13:22,066
MIKE:
You can't do this!
347
00:13:22,068 --> 00:13:23,601
Certainly
I can do it.
348
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:26,270
It ain't as though
I do it every day, is it, huh?
349
00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:28,939
This is a one-shot-
in-a-lifetime chance
350
00:13:28,941 --> 00:13:30,908
to do something
for the house or do it for Edith.
351
00:13:30,910 --> 00:13:33,144
Can't you get behind me
for nothing at all?!
352
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,411
- Jeez!
- Oh.
353
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:36,547
Look at this joint.
It's a ratty place.
354
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:37,581
We're gonna help it
there.
355
00:13:37,583 --> 00:13:39,050
Look at these curtains
over here!
356
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,885
Oh, no, no.
Arch, don't do that.
357
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:42,486
I'm only
smokin' 'em up.
358
00:13:42,488 --> 00:13:45,489
They look like
they've been through a disaster, anyway.
359
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:47,458
Look at all
the wallpaper here.
360
00:13:47,460 --> 00:13:49,226
Now I'm gonna get Edith
new wallpaper.
361
00:13:49,228 --> 00:13:51,495
She's been asking for it
for years, that's all.
362
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:53,063
Arch, the
insurance company
363
00:13:53,065 --> 00:13:54,798
is not gonna pay
for all this!
364
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,300
Ah, you don't know
nothin' about it.
365
00:13:56,302 --> 00:13:57,968
The fire was up
in the bathroom!
366
00:13:57,970 --> 00:13:59,503
They're not gonna pay
for anything down here!
367
00:13:59,505 --> 00:14:00,770
Would you shut up
and listen?
368
00:14:00,772 --> 00:14:02,239
Insurance companies
don't care
369
00:14:02,241 --> 00:14:04,174
if you pump up
your claim a little bit.
370
00:14:04,176 --> 00:14:06,676
They just turn around,
they pump up everybody's premiums.
371
00:14:06,678 --> 00:14:08,112
Oh! Oh!
372
00:14:08,114 --> 00:14:09,279
So, because
they cheated you,
373
00:14:09,281 --> 00:14:11,381
you feel justified
in cheating them?
374
00:14:11,383 --> 00:14:13,550
Well, that follows,
don't it?
375
00:14:13,552 --> 00:14:15,352
How do you sleep
at night?
376
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,021
Well, usually
I start on my back,
377
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,556
I turn over on my belly
a couple of times.
378
00:14:19,558 --> 00:14:21,926
This time next week
I'll be doin' it in a new bed.
379
00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:22,860
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
380
00:14:25,096 --> 00:14:26,998
Ah, come on, will ya?
Gee.
381
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,633
So, it's
a little bit dishonest.
382
00:14:28,635 --> 00:14:31,135
What the hell,
Christmastime I'll give the church an extra buck, heh?
383
00:14:33,771 --> 00:14:36,540
Listen, insurance
is the big racket!
384
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:38,976
They're the ones
that scare people half to death,
385
00:14:38,978 --> 00:14:40,110
tellin' 'em about
all the tragedies
386
00:14:40,112 --> 00:14:42,079
that can happen
to their lives, you know.
387
00:14:42,081 --> 00:14:44,614
Hurricanes blow down
a house there.
388
00:14:44,616 --> 00:14:46,283
Floods sweepin'
all the loved ones
389
00:14:46,285 --> 00:14:48,452
upstream to the sea.
390
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:52,456
Volcanoes eruptin'
hot lava all over ya, you know?
391
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:54,458
And you pay all them
disaster premiums
392
00:14:54,460 --> 00:14:56,060
30, 40, 50 years, see.
393
00:14:56,062 --> 00:14:57,494
And then suddenly
you do something--
394
00:14:57,496 --> 00:14:59,263
well, like you,
for instance--
395
00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:00,764
you, on a Sunday afternoon,
396
00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:02,599
could be up in the Museum
of Natural History,
397
00:15:02,601 --> 00:15:03,800
you know, driftin' around
398
00:15:03,802 --> 00:15:05,936
with the rest of
the dopes up there.
399
00:15:08,206 --> 00:15:10,541
And one of them
big stuffed dinosaurs fall over on ya.
400
00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:11,976
Crush the life out of ya.
401
00:15:11,978 --> 00:15:13,644
And Gloria wouldn't
collect nothin'.
402
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:15,345
'Cause the one insurance
you ain't got
403
00:15:15,347 --> 00:15:18,015
is "dinosaur insurance."
404
00:15:20,218 --> 00:15:21,885
So, don't tell me nothin'
about insurance!
405
00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:23,521
- [DOORBELL BUZZES]
- I'll get it.
406
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,456
- I'll get that.
I'll get that. - EDITH: I'll get that!
407
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:26,790
- It's probably the insur--
- [CHATTERING]
408
00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:29,893
Oh, my! What happened
to this room?
409
00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:31,728
I'll explain
the whole thing later.
410
00:15:31,730 --> 00:15:33,297
- I'll explain
when this guy-- - [DOORBELL BUZZES]
411
00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:34,832
I'll be with you
in a minute!
412
00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,900
But for now,
remember this, see.
413
00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:38,935
Be like
them three monkeys.
414
00:15:38,937 --> 00:15:40,738
Speak no evil...
415
00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:44,140
hear no evil,
and see no evil.
416
00:15:44,142 --> 00:15:46,510
Keep that straight, huh?
Keep that straight.
417
00:15:46,512 --> 00:15:47,645
All right, now...
[CLEARS THROAT]
418
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,413
All right.
419
00:15:49,415 --> 00:15:51,148
Ah, hello!
Are you Mr. Bunker?
420
00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:53,717
Ah, yeah, I am
the misfortunate here. Yeah. Yeah.
421
00:15:53,719 --> 00:15:54,918
Ah! My name
is Ligway.
422
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,253
I'm your
insurance adjuster.
423
00:15:56,255 --> 00:15:58,722
Oh, well,
come right in then, come right in.
424
00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:01,425
Oh, this is my,
uh, son-in-law, Mike Stivic here.
425
00:16:01,427 --> 00:16:02,793
- Ah.
- Nice to meet you.
426
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,461
- Yeah, he's leavin' fast.
- Yeah. Good-bye.
427
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,564
Ask him if he sells
any "dinosaur insurance."
428
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,965
See you next August,
buddy.
429
00:16:08,967 --> 00:16:10,801
Uh, you're lookin'
at my wife here.
430
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,369
And how do you do?
431
00:16:12,371 --> 00:16:14,605
Yeah, "how do you do"
is about all she can say to you here
432
00:16:14,607 --> 00:16:18,375
because she, uh, caught
a touch of "laryngosis" in the smoke.
433
00:16:18,377 --> 00:16:19,376
Yeah.
434
00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:21,144
Well, can I take
your coat?
435
00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:23,447
Oh! Well, thank you.
436
00:16:23,449 --> 00:16:27,017
Yeah, well, you can see
everything for yourself there, Mr. Gilway...
437
00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:29,152
- Ligway.
- Whatever.
438
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:30,488
Just, uh,
look around.
439
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:32,890
You can see all
the smoke damage over there.
440
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:35,192
Ruined curtains there,
ruined wallpaper.
441
00:16:35,194 --> 00:16:36,794
And, oh! Look what
the firemen did.
442
00:16:36,796 --> 00:16:38,996
- Archie--
- [MUTTERS]
443
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,598
Busted through the window,
you know.
444
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,434
Yeah. Oh, I tell ya.
It's a shame.
445
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,302
It really is a pity
what a nasty fire
446
00:16:45,304 --> 00:16:47,037
can do
to a lovely home.
447
00:16:47,039 --> 00:16:49,373
Hey, look, you know,
you work hard all your life, see,
448
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:51,041
and you save up
your dollars
449
00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:54,712
to fill your home with, uh,
the most latest antiques.
450
00:16:55,814 --> 00:16:57,681
Along comes a fire
like this and--
451
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,182
[SNAPS]
...everything gone.
452
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:00,985
Well, that's why I'm here
right now, Mr. Bunker,
453
00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:03,520
because that is what
insurance is all about.
454
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:06,023
Hey, I always said,
"Insurance is the backbone
455
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:09,593
upon which this nation
sits down upon."
456
00:17:09,595 --> 00:17:10,761
Well put.
457
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:12,329
You probably wanna look
at the bathroom.
458
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:14,331
Go right up there.
Only don't flush anything up there.
459
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:15,432
'Cause whatever
you flush up there
460
00:17:15,434 --> 00:17:17,067
will come
right down here.
461
00:17:17,069 --> 00:17:20,103
No, we have
the preliminary report from the fire department.
462
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:21,204
You're gonna get
a whole new bathroom.
463
00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:22,606
Oh, hey, Edith.
Ain't that nice?
464
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:25,876
- A whole new bathroom.
- Yeah, but I don't under--
465
00:17:25,878 --> 00:17:28,245
Well, I'll tell ya...
466
00:17:28,247 --> 00:17:29,580
I think you're
gonna be into us
467
00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,882
for a pretty
sizable amount.
468
00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:33,617
Well, you know,
it could've been a couple sizes bigger,
469
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:35,252
only I fixed the fuse.
470
00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:36,686
Oh, you fixed the fuse?
471
00:17:36,688 --> 00:17:38,689
Yeah, yeah.
Teresa blew that.
472
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:40,190
Oh. Who's, uh, Teresa?
473
00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:41,692
Oh, yeah,
you didn't see her yet.
474
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:42,892
Well, she's our boarder.
475
00:17:42,894 --> 00:17:44,661
It's a Puerto Rican girl,
you know,
476
00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:47,297
and electricity's awful new
to them people.
477
00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:49,566
Ah, gee, Mr. Bunker,
could I, uh...
478
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,001
Could I take a look
at that fuse box?
479
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:54,238
You certainly can, sir.
Just step right over this way here.
480
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:56,740
You go, uh,
right down the cellar through that door.
481
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:57,975
Take the steps down.
482
00:17:57,977 --> 00:17:59,276
The fuse box
is on the other side
483
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:01,011
of a pile of junk
of bottles down there.
484
00:18:01,013 --> 00:18:02,779
Watch the hot pipe.
It'll burn your knees.
485
00:18:02,781 --> 00:18:04,148
♪ We're in the money... ♪
486
00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:06,984
Now, Archie,
I don't think you should've told him
487
00:18:06,986 --> 00:18:09,887
that Teresa
started the fire.
488
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:11,855
Edith, you don't
understand about insurance claim.
489
00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:13,390
In order to collect
on a claim,
490
00:18:13,392 --> 00:18:16,293
you gotta claim
that somebody done something, huh?
491
00:18:16,295 --> 00:18:18,495
But it was an accident.
492
00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:19,630
Certainly it was
an accident.
493
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:20,998
Otherwise
you can't collect.
494
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:22,766
I ain't saying
the girl did it on purpose.
495
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,467
She ain't a fire bug.
496
00:18:24,469 --> 00:18:27,871
She ain't like
your Emperor "Negro" fiddled while Rome burned.
497
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:32,242
Well, Mr. Bunker,
I think we can start talkin' business now.
498
00:18:32,244 --> 00:18:33,610
Oh, oh,
that's terrific.
499
00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:34,945
So, you looked
everything over,
500
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,247
and so it's gonna
come to how much?
501
00:18:37,249 --> 00:18:38,982
Uh...nothing.
502
00:18:41,553 --> 00:18:43,687
Uh, w-w-wait a minute.
Wait, wait, wait.
503
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:45,289
You didn't say "nothing."
504
00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:46,724
Oh, yes! Nothing.
505
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,259
But Mr. Ligway,
506
00:18:48,261 --> 00:18:51,895
the fire burned
our whole bathroom.
507
00:18:51,897 --> 00:18:54,297
- LIGWAY: Yeah.
- There's no toilet up there!
508
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:55,899
What are we supposed
to do for the rest of our lives?
509
00:18:55,901 --> 00:18:59,002
Run down to
the Texaco station?
510
00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:01,805
We ain't never missed
paying a premium
511
00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:03,974
for 20 years.
512
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,510
What the hell's
the use of a guy carrying fire insurance?
513
00:19:06,512 --> 00:19:08,778
Well, all I can suggest
is that you read your policy.
514
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:12,883
All we are liable for is
the damage done by the fire.
515
00:19:12,885 --> 00:19:14,851
LIGWAY: Now, we're
not liable for any of the damage done here.
516
00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:16,387
This was all done
by the firemen.
517
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:17,988
Well, the firemen
didn't do--
518
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,157
The monkeys,
the monkeys, Edith.
519
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,691
Uh, well...
520
00:19:21,693 --> 00:19:23,660
Jeez, I didn't know
nothin' about that firemen stuff there,
521
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,396
but I'll tell you
what I'll do.
522
00:19:25,398 --> 00:19:27,631
Listen,
I-I'll take the fall for all of this,
523
00:19:27,633 --> 00:19:29,066
but listen, the fire--
524
00:19:29,068 --> 00:19:30,767
the fire burned
that bathroom.
525
00:19:30,769 --> 00:19:32,669
Oh, yes. Yes, that's--
that's very true.
526
00:19:32,671 --> 00:19:34,238
But you see,
there is evidence, Mr. Bunker,
527
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,274
that you may have committed
a fraudulent act.
528
00:19:37,276 --> 00:19:40,377
Not since I was a kid
in the bathroom.
529
00:19:44,181 --> 00:19:45,716
No, you see,
Mr. Bunker,
530
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:48,151
what I mean to say
is that there is strong evidence
531
00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:50,954
that you may have
started this fire.
532
00:19:50,956 --> 00:19:52,990
- ARCHIE: No, I didn't!
- But Mr. Ligway!
533
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:55,592
How could he?
He was in bed with me.
534
00:19:55,594 --> 00:19:57,060
And all we was doin'
was sleeping there.
535
00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:58,161
Tell him, Edith.
536
00:19:58,163 --> 00:20:00,063
I was asleep,
and I woke up,
537
00:20:00,065 --> 00:20:01,664
and I smelled smoke.
538
00:20:01,666 --> 00:20:03,333
And this is
what caused it.
539
00:20:03,335 --> 00:20:04,902
This fuse.
540
00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:07,037
Bunker, you didn't
replace it.
541
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,671
You stuck a penny
in it.
542
00:20:08,673 --> 00:20:10,407
Well, it got
the lights goin'.
543
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:11,875
It certainly did.
544
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:14,278
And that penny caused
the overloaded circuits
545
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:15,946
to start the fire.
546
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:18,081
Eh, Bunker, Bunker...
547
00:20:18,083 --> 00:20:20,316
we're both men
of the world here.
548
00:20:20,318 --> 00:20:23,119
Why should we go through
a lengthy litigation, huh?
549
00:20:23,121 --> 00:20:24,454
[MUTTERS]
550
00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:26,456
Well, no, no, no.
We don't want n-nothing like that.
551
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:30,093
I mean, that's almost
as bad as dragging through the courts, ain't it?
552
00:20:30,095 --> 00:20:31,661
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
553
00:20:31,663 --> 00:20:33,530
Bunker, sit down.
554
00:20:33,532 --> 00:20:34,631
Oh, yeah, sure.
555
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:39,202
I think
I can talk...
556
00:20:39,204 --> 00:20:42,706
I think I can talk
my company into making a settlement right now.
557
00:20:42,708 --> 00:20:45,742
Tell me, uh,
what kind of a figure do you think is fair?
558
00:20:45,744 --> 00:20:50,414
Oh, fair! Listen, fair
is all I--I ever wanted, you know.
559
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:54,117
And I figure the figure
that would be fair-- about $5,000.
560
00:20:54,119 --> 00:20:58,722
B-but a man-of-the-world figure
would be closer to, let's say, $3,500.
561
00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:00,224
$500.
562
00:21:00,226 --> 00:21:02,392
$500?!
563
00:21:02,394 --> 00:21:04,294
You think I just
drove in from Jersey
564
00:21:04,296 --> 00:21:05,862
in a pick-up truck?
565
00:21:07,565 --> 00:21:08,665
3,000.
566
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:09,666
750.
567
00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:11,168
2,500.
568
00:21:11,170 --> 00:21:13,069
- I'll take that.
- I didn't offer it.
569
00:21:16,007 --> 00:21:17,074
2,000.
570
00:21:17,076 --> 00:21:18,075
800.
571
00:21:18,077 --> 00:21:19,409
1,500.
572
00:21:19,411 --> 00:21:20,844
$1,000, Mr. Bunker,
573
00:21:20,846 --> 00:21:22,646
is all my company
will go
574
00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:25,348
without investigating
the possibility of arson.
575
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:27,551
And who wants
to do that?
576
00:21:27,553 --> 00:21:28,952
Not me.
577
00:21:30,154 --> 00:21:32,689
Therefore, if you
will sign this release,
578
00:21:32,691 --> 00:21:34,224
which I have right here,
579
00:21:34,226 --> 00:21:35,826
I'll get a check
in the mail
580
00:21:35,828 --> 00:21:38,294
for $1,000
in your name.
581
00:21:42,434 --> 00:21:44,200
That's swell advice,
Edith.
582
00:21:45,704 --> 00:21:48,605
All right. Here we are.
583
00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:51,442
You know, uh, while we
was doing all this, uh,
584
00:21:51,444 --> 00:21:53,444
I forget to, uh,
tell you something.
585
00:21:53,446 --> 00:21:54,545
What's that?
586
00:21:54,547 --> 00:21:56,547
Get the hell
out of my chair!
587
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:02,185
$1,000 to replace
a beautiful bathroom like that?!
588
00:22:02,187 --> 00:22:04,354
$1,000 nowadays
wouldn't even build
589
00:22:04,356 --> 00:22:06,790
a wooden one-holer
in the backyard!
590
00:22:06,792 --> 00:22:08,258
No, that's true.
591
00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:10,160
But it'll help to pay
for the increased premiums
592
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,294
on your fire insurance
593
00:22:11,296 --> 00:22:13,096
now that you're
such a bad risk.
594
00:22:14,966 --> 00:22:16,499
Hey, whatever happened
to the company
595
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:18,835
that held out
their two hands to you?
596
00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:21,137
Well, once in a while,
Mr. Bunker,
597
00:22:21,139 --> 00:22:23,073
all you get is a finger.
598
00:22:23,075 --> 00:22:24,007
Bye-bye.
599
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,055
- [TV ON]
- Ah-ho! This is hockey at its best, Edith,
600
00:22:39,057 --> 00:22:40,991
'cause both teams
are out for blood here...
601
00:22:40,993 --> 00:22:44,928
- [ARCHIE MUMBLING]
- Archie, which do you like the best,
602
00:22:44,930 --> 00:22:48,031
the roses or the paisley?
603
00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:50,066
Please, Edith,
I'm watching the hockey game.
604
00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:51,468
You wanna see
something exciting,
605
00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:53,737
Loberti's going after Jensen
with his hockey stick there.
606
00:22:53,739 --> 00:22:55,806
- This is it!
- I like the roses.
607
00:22:55,808 --> 00:22:57,775
All right,
I vote for the roses.
608
00:22:57,777 --> 00:22:58,842
Go get him there, Loberti!
609
00:22:58,844 --> 00:23:01,611
I like the paisley, too.
610
00:23:01,613 --> 00:23:05,015
All right, the paisley, Edith,
whatever the hell that is.
611
00:23:05,017 --> 00:23:08,251
Work on his lip, there, Loberti,
you got it half-open.
612
00:23:08,253 --> 00:23:12,889
I like roses 'cause
they smell so good.
613
00:23:12,891 --> 00:23:17,327
Still, I think
the paisley will make the room look bigger.
614
00:23:17,329 --> 00:23:19,162
All right, Edith,
use 'em both.
615
00:23:19,164 --> 00:23:22,332
The room will look bigger
and it'll smell good at the same time.
616
00:23:22,334 --> 00:23:26,002
- Get at him, Loberti!
- I don't like either one of 'em.
617
00:23:26,004 --> 00:23:28,372
What do you think
of the green stripes?
618
00:23:28,374 --> 00:23:31,074
Will you get this thing
out of my face?!
619
00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:33,777
You see what you done?!
You made me miss the best part there!
620
00:23:33,779 --> 00:23:36,079
Jensen turned the tables
on Loberti,
621
00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:37,714
he beat him with the stick!
622
00:23:37,716 --> 00:23:39,483
They're carrying
Loberti out, Edith,
623
00:23:39,485 --> 00:23:42,653
and if he dies,
I missed the whole thing!
624
00:23:42,655 --> 00:23:44,388
I'm sorry.
625
00:23:44,390 --> 00:23:48,291
Jeez! I'm gonna hate
that wallpaper for the rest of my life.
626
00:23:48,293 --> 00:23:51,294
What a disappointment.
627
00:24:12,449 --> 00:24:15,084
♪
628
00:24:15,086 --> 00:24:17,487
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
629
00:24:17,489 --> 00:24:19,288
before a live audience.
630
00:24:19,338 --> 00:24:23,888
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