All language subtitles for All In the Family s07e13 The Baby Contest.eng

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

You're nuts, Barney.
I done a lot of readin' on the subject.

Man of War is the greatest nag
ever ran on four legs.

And I'm tellin' you
Secretariat could take him

carryin' Seabiscuit
on his back.

Depends on the jock.

You put Willie the Shoe
on any--

Hi, guys,
how are ya?

Oh, hi, Arch.
Hi, Arch.

Hiya, Barney,
how ya doin'?

Hey, Harry,
come on, beer, huh? Yeah, comin' up.

I'm tellin' ya, Barney,
you put Willie Shoemaker

on any horse that's livin'--

I'm talking about
Willie Shoemaker!

He's two foot, two inches.

Willie Shoemaker?
Ah, he ain't that small.

Where are ya, Barney?

I'm talkin' about my little
grandson Joey here.

Arch, the world
ain't interested

in the daily update
on your grandson's height.

He sprang up a half an inch
in the last three weeks.

If you're talking
about a great horse,

you're talking about
Man of War. This kid is strong, too,

puttin' on weight
every single day.

Secretariat was
a good horse, too, but--

The other day I slipped him
on the scale, see,

and with a full diaper
he's 24 pounds.

You figure
you clean the kid up,

he's still gotta be
23, huh?

Look at this smile.
See that?

Boy, that's what you call
personality.

When he grows up
and he gets teeth in that smile,

he could have
a career in politics.

Jeez, the dopey Democrats'll
give him anything.

And, Barney, is he smart--

Look, Arch,
we're pals, right?

We're lodge brothers?
Yeah.

So I listen
when you tell me

how you're the greatest
cabbie in Queens,

how you lift all them
heavy crates down at work,

and ain't never got a hernia.

That's all true, Barney.

Yeah, okay,
now it's settled

that your grandson
is the greatest,

so can we move on
to more important topics?

I mean, like if you
go over to the bar and drink your beer,

I'll pay for it.

Okay, Barney, you're on.

Any time
you wanna buy a beer.

HARRY:
Now let me straighten you out about--

But, listen, I wanna
tell ya one more thing.

Now, Barney, you know,
let me tell you this--

You're right about me,

the way I talk too much
about little Joey,

but, listen, honest to God,
fellas,

look at that kid.

Now ain't that the cutest
lookin' one-years-old

anywheres around?

I've had it with you.

Do you wanna see the cutest

one-years-old grandchild
in the world?

Then lamp my little
Linda there.

Oh, Barney,
Barney, Barney,

you took a picture
of the naked child there?

And you flash that around
in a men's bar?

Listen, Arch, if you had
a body like that,

you wouldn't wanna
cover it up, either.

Nice, pudgy little
cheeks there.

Yeah, all four of 'em.

Barney, I gotta tell you
the truth there.

I think she's a little
too plump there.

She's been hittin'
the Oreos lately?

Oh, yeah?
Well, it looks to me

like Joey's a little
on the skinny side.

He ain't been sick,
has he?

Oh, come on, will ya?

If you was as healthy
as this kid,

your doctor'd
be in the poorhouse.

He'd be the only doctor
in the poorhouse.

Let's hear it for
the medical profession.

[EACH BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Now, listen, I want you
to take a look

at that high forehead
there on Linda.

Do you know
what that means?

Intelligence, yeah,
everybody knows that, Barney.

Joey's got
a high forehead, too.

Joey's bald.

Don't say that, Barney.

He ain't bald.
He just ain't got too much hair.

That's what I say.
He's got too much face.

What do you mean by that?

I mean don't ever set him
on a pool table, Arch,

'cause someone might

shoot him into
the corner pocket.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Now, I ain't gonna
stand for that.

Ah, take it easy, Arch.

What do you mean,
"take it easy"?

This guy just stepped across
the chalk-line here.

Oh, is that so?
Says who?

Says me.

Says you?
Yeah.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Yeah?
Hey, listen, Barney,

you know, the tone of voice
of that last "yeah"

could lose you
an old friendship, see?

It could lose you
a little bridgework, too.

Ah, come on,
this is the stupidest thing I ever seen,

two old buddies
fightin' about

who's got the
best-lookin' grandchild.

I ain't fightin'
about nothin'.

I know who's got the most
beautifulest grandchild here.

Anybody would say
the same thing.

You go out, you ask
any 99 out of 100 people

off the streets of New York
and see what they say,

barring the South Bronx
where no English is spoke...

They say
the same thing as me!

Oh, yeah? Well, I can
prove that my little girl

is the most beautiful,
because she's entered

in the beautiful baby contest
in the Flushing Tribune.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

Well, uh, suppose
I was to tell you

that little Joey is entered
into the same contest.

Since when?

Since, uh, tomorrow.

Ha, I got ya,
it's too late.

The contest
is closed tomorrow.

No it ain't.
no it ain't too late.

Listen, Hank Pivnik
knows them people

on that Flushing Tribune,

and we can make a phone call
and get little Joey

in under the wire there,
buddy.

Well, I hope you can,
pal.

You know why?
Because then it'll prove

beyond a shadow
of a doubt

who's got the most
beautiful baby.

Why don't you put your money
where your big mouth is, huh?

I'll bet you anything
you wanna bet.

Money, come on.
I'll bet you $1,000.

All right, you're on.

Uh, let's make it $25.

Don't talk crazy.
Say ten.

That's a bet!

You got it!
Put 'er there!

I want you here
with the green.

I'll be here.
I don't wanna have to go to Hauser Street.

You don't have
to worry about me.

I'll be back here
with my money.

You just remember,
you better be back here with your money

to pay off the bet!

Hey,
Arch, he's gone.

Get out of here, Barney,
or I'll belt ya!

EDITH: Come on, now,
just a few more.

Smile for Grandpa.

But first fluff up
his hair a little bit there, huh, Edith?

Make it look like
he's got more, huh?

Here you are. There.
Ain't that a shame?

Well, they can't blame
you and me for that, Edith.

You're gonna win
the Flushing Tribune

beautiful baby contest,

so smile again
for Grandpa. Look!

D-Don't do that.
That ain't gonna get a child to smile.

You'll make him scream
with that stuff.

Focus the camera here.
All right.

Okay now.

There's Joey.
Hi, Joey, look this way.

Now, don't move,
don't move.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]
I got him.

Perfect. There's not
a movement on him there.

Oh, wait a minute.
I ain't so sure.

Oh, yes, there is!

Oh, Edith, get him
out of the area, huh?

Oh.

I'll never figure
that kid out.

He takes on
three meals a day,

and he leaves off five.

Now, come on
and kiss Grandpa goodbye.

Bye-bye.

Not now, huh,
Edith there?

It burns my eyes.

♪ Who's my little hoosie? ♪

♪ Who's my turtle-dove? ♪

BOTH:
♪ Who's my little hoosie? ♪

♪ Who do you love? ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-- ♪

Hello, is that
the Flushing Tribune there?

Uh, yes, could I speak
to the individual

who's in charge
of the beautiful baby contest please?

Ma, I brought you over
an apple pie.

What happened?
There's only half a pie here.

You shouldn't have
left me alone with it.

Shush over here,
will ya?

I'm on the horn.

Your mother's upstairs
changing the child.

Hey, honey, look at all
these new pictures of Joey.

Now, leave them alone.
Leave them alone, now.

Hello, hello?

Uh, a friend of mine,
Hank Pivnik

told me to call up and ask
for a Harley Benson there.

Oh, are you Harley?

Yeah, well, it's about
the beautiful baby contest--

What do you mean
you're gonna print

the winning picture
in the paper?

How you gonna do that

when I got the winning
picture with me? Huh?

Yeah, well, that's what I mean,
if there's still time.

Yeah, I can get over there
in an hour, sure.

Hop on a Northern
Boulevard bus.

I'll be right over there.

Hey, hey, Harley,
hold the presses, huh?

Thank you. Yeah.

Hey, Arch, what is this?

"Entry form.
Beautiful baby contest"?

None of your business,
none of your business here.

Arch, you're not
entering my son

in some silly sweepstakes

to prove who's got
the most dimples.

And why not?

Daddy, you know
how we feel about contests.

Oh, "how you feel."

How is it
young marrieds today

have to sit down and decide

how they feel
about everything, huh?

What do you got against
your little son

being selected the most
beautiful baby in Queens?

Daddy, we already know
he's beautiful.

We don't need a blue ribbon
pinned on his little tush to prove it.

Besides,
he's only a year old.

That's my whole point.
He's been here a year, he ain't won nothin' yet.

Yeah, he's been layin'
around for a whole year,

instead of out
lookin' for a job.

Uh, let me ask you
somethin', Meathead.

How is it that certain people
with a college education

turn out to be so ignorant?

Now, I'm not mentioning
any names.

I'll just look at the party
and whistle.

[WHISTLES]

Don't you know
that we had competition

in mankind since back
time im--immoral there?

Back when the Christians
is fighting the lions?

You call that competition?

You're damn right,
and a tough competition it was, too.

Compe--That's where
they get the expression,

the sudden-death overtime.

Daddy, if it's important
for Joey

to be a winner at something,

the least important victory
is how he looks.

She's right, Arch.

She is wrong!

And I like these things.

I like all kinds
of contests.

I like beauty contests.

I love the Miss America
contest.

Ah, beauty contests
are the silliest of all.

♪ Oh, there she is ♪

♪ Miss America ♪

Stop that, you.

Boy, you have sank
to a pretty new low--

running down one of our
sacredest national traditions.

Boy, I wanna tell ya--

and if it wasn't
for Miss America,

Atlantic City
could be sold to Cuba.

And now, ladies
and gentlemen,

the moment you've all
been waiting for!

The decision
of the judges is in,

and we are about to announce
the new Miss America!

[SQUEALS]

Ladies and gentlemen,
here she is,

the former Miss Cotton
Maid of Alabama,

the former Miss Potato
Maid of Idaho,

and the former Miss
Minute Maid of Florida.

Here she is,
the new Miss America,

Miss Billie Joe Boobs!

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
This is the happiest moment of my life.

I accept
this prestigious award

on behalf of my
overpowering beauty,

and for all you losers,

tough you-know-whattie.

And now, to prove that I am
more than just gorgeous,

for my talent selection,

I have chosen
the "William Tell Overture,"

which I shall play with my
ten tiny little fingers

on my prize-winning face.

[PLAYS OVERTURE]

EDITH: Archie!

And here is last year's
Miss America,

fresh from
her worldwide tour

selling charm,
the American dream,

and one ton
of depilatory cream.

Her Majesty speaks.

Have you seen
the air-freshener?

No, but we could use
a little of it down here.

Oh, Gloria,
you look so funny.

What are ya doin'?

She's doin' her best
to run down

everything that's fine
and American.

Oh, Daddy, we just
don't want Joey competing

like a prize rooster
at the county fair.

Listen, little girl,
I got some news for you,

and you, too, Meathead--

this ain't no
competition at all,

'cause Joey's gonna win
this thing hands down

over all them other
little babies,

and particularly
Barney Hefner's

little granddaughter Linda.

Oh, so that's the only
reason you're doing this.

You wanna rub your good friend
Barney's nose in the dirt.

I don't care
where Barney's nose goes,

as long as his dough goes
into my pocket,

and therefore these pictures
goes to the Flushing Tribune.

Wrong. You're gonna
have to send the paper

a reasonable facsimile,

'cause I'm takin' these.

Uh, my property
there, Meathead.

Gloria, go get Joey,
and let's get him out of here.

You'll get the pictures back
after the contest.

But, wait, you don't care
if I win a $10 bet with Barney, huh?

No, I don't, Arch.
In the words of our newly-crowned Miss America,

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"tough you-know-whattie."

Hey, Meathead,
you forgot somethin' there.

What?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Okay.

With that fanfare, Edith,
I'm off to Flushing.

Archie,
Mike and Gloria

don't want Joey
in the contest.

You got no right
to put him in.

Oh, no? Why not?

Well, you shouldn't go
against the parent's wishes.

Talkin' about? You done that
when you married me,

and everything
turned out swell, didn't it?

Why do you always hesitate
over them kinda questions?

No, I ain't
thinkin' about that.

I'm thinkin' about
the contest.

I'm glad Mike
took them pictures away from ya.

Oh, Edith, so am I.

I'm glad he got
all of them pictures,

as long as he left me
with the winner.

Oh, give me that picture.
Ah, no, no.

Oh, no, Edith. You ain't
gettin' that picture.

Now, stop, stop.
Now, don't be silly, will you?

Ed--Edith!

Edith, for God sakes,

the neighbors'll think
you're a wild woman.

My vote for
most beautiful baby is...

Baby Joey. Signed...

Well, let's see who the hell
we got here.

All these Cohens.
Jeez, look at this.

There's a million Cohens here.
They own New York.

Well, now, let's see.

Cohen, Albert,
attorney at law.

What the hell?
Sue me, Al.

Archie! Joey got
into the finals!

That was hot news
this morning, Edith.

Well, I got lots
of papers, and I'm gonna

send his picture
to all the relatives.

Do you have
to do that?

Do you have to remind
your relatives

that we're still alive?

Oh, they're
gonna love it,

and maybe they'll
all vote for Joey.

They can't vote, Edith!

Your relatives all live
over in Jersey

with all
the other people

who don't care
nothing about life.

Just help me out here.

Take this scissors,
take this pile of papers,

and cut out
these voting blanks

here for me, that's all.

Archie, you're only
supposed to vote once!

I only voted once,

and all these people here
are entitled to vote once.

Archie, that's cheatin'!

But how am I supposed
to protect myself

from a dishonest guy
like Barney Hefner?

Archie, you ought to let
our friends send in their own votes!

Edith, never
trust a friend.

Sybil Gouley says she's gonna
send in her vote for Joey.

Please tell her to send in
a different name, will ya?

I already sent
her vote in there.

I already sent in a vote,
too, for her mother,

old lady McGuire,
who had the stroke.

Archie, that poor old woman
has been dead for years.

You knew that.
You went to her funeral.

Edith, I couldn't
swear to that.

I never checked
the box.

Where is he?
I'm sick and tired of you meddling

in how I raise
my son!

First you sneak him off
to church--

you have him baptized,
then you give him a gun for his birthday!

Now, without
anybody's permission,

you got his face plastered
on every doorstep in Queens

in a stupid
baby contest!

Ooh, well, bless my soul.

Edith, I do believe
your big-mouthed son-in-law

is payin' you a visit.

Oh, Mike,
please don't be mad.

Archie didn't mean no harm.

He just wants Joey
to win, that's all.

He wants him to win, too,
he don't want to admit it.

You see,
Joey wins that contest,

he'll have his chest
puffed out

bigger than
"Raquel Walsh."

And the prize
is a $100 bond.

Yes, $100 set aside
for little Joey

for a fine thing.

Yeah, his education.

For bowling equipment, Edith.

Wait a second,
wait a second.

What do you got here?
"Judge Vanderbart?"

That's right.

You put down
Judge Vanderbart's name? Why not?

Arch, you can't
have him vote--

Don't tell me nothin',
will you?

I voted for
Judge Vanderbart, didn't I?

So now it's time
for Judge Vanderbart to vote for us.

I don't know
what I'm doin' here,

talkin' to a man
who in the last election

didn't like Ford,
That's right.

didn't like Carter,
Right.

so he wrote in
"Richard Nixon."

Damn right.

Do whatever you want,
Arch.

Do whatever you want.
I don't care!

Live with that, buddy!
Live with that!

Archie, did you really
write in "Richard Nixon"?

I just tell him that
to drive him nuts.

You wanna know the truth?
I wrote in "Reagan."

"My vote is for baby Joey,

Signed Gloria Stivic."

Oh, boy.

Hi, honey.

I just came
from your father's. Hmm.

Can you fix me something
to calm my nerves?

You mean
you want a drink?

No, a sandwich.

Oh, well,
I'll fix you one later.

Gloria, wait a minute.
What are you doing here?

I thought we decided
against baby contests.

Well, yeah, we did,

but have you seen
this picture of Joey?

I know what
my son looks like.

Honey, look,
there's no comparison.

I mean, these other
kids are cute,

but Joey's beautiful.

Gloria, that's not the point.

I have to vote for him.
I'm his mother!

And even if I wasn't
his mother,

I'd still vote for him over
these other four yucky kids.

You know, you're the only
girl in the world

that's got an umbilical cord
attached to her father.

Case closed.

You don't want
Joey to win.

Oh, well then,
who do I want to win?

Joey's mother.

Me?

Sure. I can hear it
in the supermarket--

"Aren't you the lady

whose baby won
the beauty contest?"

"Yes,
and he's got my looks!

Isn't he beautiful?!"

It's ridiculous.

All right, but let me
ask you one question, Michael.

How are you gonna feel

if Joey loses
by just one vote?

One vote?

Yeah, yours.

Hey, Hank, why don't
you call your friend at the Tribune,

see if you can get
some information on how the voting's going?

Yeah, do that, huh?
He said he'd call us

as soon as the ballots
are counted.

Yeah, but when's
that gonna happen?

Oh, hi, professor.

Oh, you got The Flushing
Tribune there, huh?

That's right.
How's the baby contest comin'?

Oh, just kinda curious.

Oh, we know you're curious.

You're here because
you know we're gettin' the results here.

All right, all right,
he's my son,

my flesh and blood.

Yeah, thank God
he ain't got your face.

BARNEY:
Hey, throw me a beer, will ya, Harry?

Oh, Barney.
Oh, look at this guy.

Down here to drown
your sorrows, Arch?

Oh, no. No, no,

I'm here to make sure
I get my ten simoleons

out of you
when I win that bet,

'cause your baby Linda
ain't gonna win.

She's too fat to win.

Few years time,
she's gonna be a teenage bus.

Well, all I gotta say is,

it's too bad it wasn't
a baldy contest.

Oh, you hear that?

He's always on
the baldy thing over here.

You're gonna lose
an old friend

that way, Barney.

See?
That's competition for ya.

Two best friends

ready to bust each other
in the chops

over who's got the most
beautiful grandchild.

Hey, you know
what just occurred to me

about little Joey?

I mean, since he's got them
long, beautiful eyelashes,

you should have entered him
as a baldy girl.

You hear that?!
Hey, watch what you're saying there, Barney,

that's my son!

Yeah, that's his son.

You deserve a belt
in the jaw for that.

Who's gonna belt me?

The father here.

Go ahead, hit him
below the belt.

He's over the hill.

Hey, break it up.

Break it up.
Between the three of ya's,

I'm gonna lose my license.

[PHONE RINGS]
Hey, get the phone!

This could be the contest!

Hello? Yeah, Harley?
Shh.

The finals are comin' in.

Who, who, who?

Yeah? Yeah?
MIKE: Come on, baby Joey.

Come on, Joey,
you can do it!

Yeah?
Come on, Joe!

Baby Joey?

He did it, Arch!
He did it! The winner?

And baby Linda?

A dead heat?

Two of them?

They was both
disqualified.

Disqualified?
What the hell for?

Too many phony votes.

Too many
phony grandfathers.

What do you mean by that?

Baby Alexis wins.

ARCHIE:
How could that happen?

MIKE:
Thanks a lot, Arch.

You lost it for Joey.
It's your fault.

Don't tell me that.
I did not lose it for Joey.

Who asked you
to come down here, anyway?

And you're gonna
get Reagan in 1980, wise guy!

And I know
the answer to this!

I know the answer well!

Somebody around here's
been doin' a lot of cheatin'!

Me cheatin'?
What about you cheatin'?

One topic at a time, buddy.

Yeah, goodbye, Harley.

Well, Hank,
how'd they find out?

Well, the boys
down at the Tribune

figured something
was fishy.

Hey, Barney,

did you sign a vote
with Judge Vanderbart's name

for baby Linda?

Oh.
Well, yeah, yeah,

the Judge is a fine man.

That's the dumbest move
you ever made.

I signed Judge
Vanderbart's name, too.

Well, how was I
supposed to know that?

Check with me, will you?

Well, youse both
made a mistake.

Three weeks ago they threw
Judge Vanderbart in jail.

Oh, jail, oh.
Jail?

Can you believe that?

Oh, yes, Barney,
I certainly can.

Listen, nowadays

we gotta face
one important fact of life--

all us Republicans
ain't clean.

♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

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