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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
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00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:07,472
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:10,642
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:13,044
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,046 --> 00:00:16,715
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:19,884
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:19,886 --> 00:00:25,056
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,058 --> 00:00:28,226
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:31,362
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:35,366
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:41,239
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:50,782 --> 00:00:53,417
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
13
00:00:53,419 --> 00:00:55,920
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
14
00:00:55,922 --> 00:00:58,990
♪ Happy birthday dear Joey ♪
15
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:01,559
♪ Happy birthday... ♪
16
00:01:14,306 --> 00:01:16,040
♪ ...to you ♪
17
00:01:16,042 --> 00:01:18,409
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
18
00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:21,212
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
19
00:01:21,214 --> 00:01:24,215
♪ Happy birthday dear Joey ♪
20
00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:27,953
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
21
00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:30,388
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
22
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:33,191
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
23
00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:36,194
♪ Happy birthday dear Joey ♪
24
00:01:36,196 --> 00:01:39,430
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
25
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:41,799
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
26
00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:44,402
Aah!
What? Oh, jeez.
27
00:01:44,404 --> 00:01:46,504
Oh, oh, my God.
28
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:48,706
Michael,
what's the matter?
29
00:01:48,708 --> 00:01:51,209
Honey, your coat!
Look at your coat, it's all--
30
00:01:51,211 --> 00:01:53,311
Did you
get mugged again?
31
00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:56,614
No, honey, you won't
believe what happened to me.
32
00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:59,717
I was standing
on the subway platform...
33
00:01:59,719 --> 00:02:01,719
waiting
for the train...
34
00:02:01,721 --> 00:02:03,755
Yeah?
I got a little impatient,
35
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,890
so I leaned over the edge
of the platform
36
00:02:05,892 --> 00:02:07,592
to see if the train
was coming...
37
00:02:09,261 --> 00:02:11,996
...I slipped and fell
on the tracks!
38
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:13,565
Oh, my God!
39
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,233
And the train was coming!
40
00:02:16,835 --> 00:02:19,371
And just in the nick of time,
these two guys grabbed me.
41
00:02:19,373 --> 00:02:21,473
They picked me up
and put me on the platform.
42
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:22,807
They saved my life!
43
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,709
Oh, thank God
for good people.
44
00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:26,411
Well, it was kind of
a mixed blessing.
45
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:28,145
While one of 'em
was dusting me off,
46
00:02:28,147 --> 00:02:29,747
the other guy
picked my pocket.
47
00:02:31,450 --> 00:02:33,018
Honey, honey.
48
00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:35,086
Well, the important thing
is that you're safe
49
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,421
and alive and well.
50
00:02:36,423 --> 00:02:37,622
Ooh, watch that knee!
51
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,724
That knee, I hurt
that knee there.
52
00:02:39,726 --> 00:02:42,493
Oh, let me kiss it.
Ooh, kiss it, kiss it.
53
00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:45,163
Honey, Honey.
54
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,032
You know what kept
goin' through my mind?
55
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:49,767
What if you'd been with me?
56
00:02:49,769 --> 00:02:52,504
What if we both fell on
the tracks and got killed?
57
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:55,039
Michael, please,
that's morbid.
58
00:02:55,041 --> 00:02:57,508
Honey, what if you'd
been with me?
59
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,243
What if we'd
both been killed?
60
00:02:59,245 --> 00:03:00,878
Who would
take care of Joey?
61
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,014
Honey, don't make such
a big thing out of it.
62
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,115
An accident like that
63
00:03:04,117 --> 00:03:06,217
happens maybe once
in a person's lifetime.
64
00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:14,225
Yeah, usually
right at the end.
65
00:03:14,227 --> 00:03:15,927
I hate this.
66
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:17,695
I hate this conversation.
67
00:03:17,697 --> 00:03:20,065
Honey, we gotta
decide right now
68
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,532
who would raise Joey.
69
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:23,334
Well, if we have
to decide right now,
70
00:03:23,336 --> 00:03:25,369
I don't see why we have
to look any further
71
00:03:25,371 --> 00:03:26,304
than Ma and Daddy.
72
00:03:28,140 --> 00:03:31,409
You want your father
to raise Joey?
73
00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:34,712
I wouldn't trust that man
to raise a window.
74
00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:37,148
Gloria, Joey's future
is at stake.
75
00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,684
We're not gonna have him
raised by a man
76
00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:42,520
whose idea of great poetry
begins with
77
00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:44,655
"there was an old man
from Nantucket."
78
00:03:47,226 --> 00:03:49,593
Oh, honey, well, then,
who would you suggest?
79
00:03:49,595 --> 00:03:51,529
Well, I don't know.
80
00:03:51,531 --> 00:03:54,799
What about, uh,
Don and Andy Shineman?
81
00:03:56,234 --> 00:03:58,402
Well, they're
a very happy couple.
82
00:03:58,404 --> 00:03:59,838
You know why, don't you?
83
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,574
They're always stoned
out of their minds.
84
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,942
Come on.
85
00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:06,143
Oh, comeon, come on.
86
00:04:06,145 --> 00:04:08,813
They're on everything
but roller-skates.
87
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:11,182
All right,
forget the Shinemans.
88
00:04:11,184 --> 00:04:13,851
What about
Craig and Sue Raimey?
89
00:04:15,153 --> 00:04:17,388
They're divorced.
Craig left her.
90
00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:18,857
You're kidding.
91
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:21,225
Who would Craig
leave a beautiful girl like Sue for?
92
00:04:21,227 --> 00:04:23,528
For someone named Chuck.
93
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:29,767
Craig and Chuck?
94
00:04:32,137 --> 00:04:33,638
We should call 'em, you know?
95
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,307
They're probably not planning
on a family of their own.
96
00:04:37,576 --> 00:04:40,244
Ow, ow!
Watch that knee there!
97
00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:42,513
I'm sorry.
Couldn't you do that on your own knee?
98
00:04:42,515 --> 00:04:43,614
Sorry.
99
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:45,883
Oh, boy am I dumb.
100
00:04:45,885 --> 00:04:48,653
Honey, why didn't
I think of it?
101
00:04:48,655 --> 00:04:51,756
Our best friends,
Al and Trudy.
102
00:04:51,758 --> 00:04:53,858
They were married
right here in the house.
103
00:04:53,860 --> 00:04:56,861
Yeah,
not a moment too soon.
104
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:58,129
Poor Trudy.
105
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,164
Al wouldn't marry her
106
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,832
till she was three
months pregnant.
107
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,700
That's what kind
of a guardian he is.
108
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:04,135
Gloria, you want perfection
109
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,304
we'll get Roy Rodgers
and Dale Evans.
110
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,272
Al and Trudy are terrific--
111
00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:09,908
they're young,
they're educated,
112
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,509
and they think
just as we do.
113
00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:14,145
I'm not so sure I want
Joey growing up like Al.
114
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:17,748
What, you'd rather Joey
to grow up to be a bigot like Archie?
115
00:05:17,750 --> 00:05:19,550
Oh, you mean
the way I did?
116
00:05:19,552 --> 00:05:21,219
Honey, you're different.
117
00:05:21,221 --> 00:05:24,088
Joey's--Joey's just a baby.
118
00:05:24,090 --> 00:05:27,725
Well, what do you think
I started out as, a duck?
119
00:05:27,727 --> 00:05:30,261
Look, if it were
just your mother,
120
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:31,629
I would say fine,
121
00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:33,098
but we can't
take the chance
122
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,333
that Joey would be
left alone with Archie.
123
00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:36,901
Well then,
we have to make sure
124
00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:39,637
that Joey's
left alone with Ma.
125
00:05:39,639 --> 00:05:40,638
How?
126
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,240
We'll kill Daddy.
127
00:05:45,744 --> 00:05:46,911
Here we are.
128
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:49,214
Come on in, birthday boy.
129
00:05:49,216 --> 00:05:52,016
Okay, here we go.
130
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:54,152
There we are.
131
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:56,620
Hey.
132
00:05:56,622 --> 00:05:58,656
Hey, I hope this
little guy learns
133
00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:00,024
to walk by himself soon,
134
00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:04,595
because he's breakin'
his grandpa's back here.
135
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:06,731
Hi, sweetheart.
136
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:07,999
Yeah, to Mommy,
that's the way.
137
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,500
Did you have fun
in the park
138
00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:11,236
with your grandma
and your grandpa?
139
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:12,837
Oh, did he ever!
140
00:06:12,839 --> 00:06:16,607
It reminded me of when we
used to take you to the park.
141
00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:19,144
Yeah, when we used
to take you to the park.
142
00:06:19,146 --> 00:06:20,678
Did you take him
on the swings?
143
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:25,082
Both: Oh, yeah,
he loved the swings.
144
00:06:25,084 --> 00:06:27,452
Did you take him
on a slide?
145
00:06:27,454 --> 00:06:29,387
Oh, yeah,
he loved the slide.
146
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,390
He went nuts
on the slide.
147
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,525
Did you take him
on the teeter-totter?
148
00:06:34,527 --> 00:06:37,261
Well, we took him
over there, you know,
149
00:06:37,263 --> 00:06:38,696
but when we got
to the teeter-totter
150
00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:42,967
there was a wino
passed out on it.
151
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:45,036
Yeah, but we took
lots of pictures.
152
00:06:45,038 --> 00:06:47,004
Oh, wait till you see
the pictures I took.
153
00:06:47,006 --> 00:06:49,006
I bet your first word's
gonna be "cheese."
154
00:06:49,008 --> 00:06:51,409
Oh, these come out
beautiful here.
155
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,643
I wanna tell youse two,
156
00:06:52,645 --> 00:06:54,712
the most terrific gift
I ever got in my life
157
00:06:54,714 --> 00:06:56,781
was when youse give me
this kid for a grandson.
158
00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:58,916
Look, Joey, look,
159
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:02,253
oh, you're gettin'
to stand on your grandpa.
160
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,721
He's gettin' tall.
161
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,323
Oh, you wanna
see the picture.
162
00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:06,624
You've had
a very busy morning,
163
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:08,859
and I think it's time
for you to take a nap,
164
00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:10,662
so you won't fall asleep
at your party.
165
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:13,331
Don't do that.
He ain't hollerin' that he's tired there.
166
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:15,866
Why does she always
haul him off to the sack?
167
00:07:15,868 --> 00:07:18,202
Say "night-night."
168
00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:20,738
Edith:
Bye-bye, Joey.
169
00:07:20,740 --> 00:07:25,743
You know, Joey saw
his first butterfly today.
170
00:07:25,745 --> 00:07:27,144
Oh, this time of year?
171
00:07:27,146 --> 00:07:28,646
Yeah, yeah,
how do you like that?
172
00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:30,948
Yeah, oh,
it was a beautiful one
173
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:34,018
with big, yellow wings
and purple stripes.
174
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:35,253
Yeah, stripes, oh, yeah.
175
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:38,289
And black around the edges,
and little white dots.
176
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,758
Yeah, it was fluttering around
close to the grass, you know?
177
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:42,627
And Joey was so cute.
178
00:07:42,629 --> 00:07:44,962
He tried so hard
to catch it.
179
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:46,397
Did he catch it?
180
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:47,799
No, he was too slow,
181
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,199
so, uh, I killed it
182
00:07:49,201 --> 00:07:52,403
and stuffed it in
his pocket for him.
183
00:07:56,141 --> 00:07:58,509
Your father murdered
a butterfly today.
184
00:07:58,511 --> 00:08:00,077
Oh, that's nice.
185
00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:01,779
What the hell does he mean,
I murdered?
186
00:08:01,781 --> 00:08:04,048
You know, you must have
showed him an awful good time
187
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,516
'cause he went
out like a light.
188
00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:08,385
Oh, hey, wait till
I show you what I got him.
189
00:08:08,387 --> 00:08:10,487
I was down in Kharf's
toy store today, you know,
190
00:08:10,489 --> 00:08:11,756
and I got him this.
191
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:14,592
This is his grandpa's
personal gift to Joey.
192
00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:15,626
[FIRING SOUND]
Huh?
193
00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:17,895
Daddy.
Hate guns.
194
00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:21,265
This here is a model
of one of the real ones they give to guys nowadays.
195
00:08:21,267 --> 00:08:23,701
It's a hell of a lot better
than what they give me
196
00:08:23,703 --> 00:08:25,269
to kill Krauts
in World War II.
197
00:08:25,271 --> 00:08:26,804
Arch, he's a whole year old,
198
00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:29,073
I'm surprised you didn't
get him a real gun.
199
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:32,209
Plenty of time for that
when he gets older.
200
00:08:32,211 --> 00:08:34,445
Mike,
if you don't like it,
201
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:37,147
we can take it back
and get him something else.
202
00:08:37,149 --> 00:08:39,617
Good.
What do you mean, "take it back"?
203
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:41,719
I got a right to buy
my grandson a present.
204
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:43,287
He got a right to have it.
205
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,055
Not if I don't
want him to have it.
206
00:08:45,057 --> 00:08:46,323
Oh, jeez,
207
00:08:46,325 --> 00:08:48,826
listen to the great
dictator over here.
208
00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:50,360
You're supposed
to be the big bug
209
00:08:50,362 --> 00:08:52,063
on the Constitution,
right?
210
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,831
You know the First Amendment
of the Constitution
211
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:55,265
guarantees that baby
the right
212
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:56,701
to bear a machine gun?
213
00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:02,173
First Amendment
guarantees free speech.
214
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:04,509
Same thing, buddy boy.
215
00:09:04,511 --> 00:09:06,244
You got a gun in your hand,
216
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:08,613
you're free to make
any speech you want.
217
00:09:10,582 --> 00:09:12,417
Ready on the right,
ready on the left,
218
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:13,451
ready on the firing line!
219
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:15,119
You are not
giving my son a gun.
220
00:09:15,121 --> 00:09:16,154
This is for you, pinko.
221
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:17,621
[FIRES]
What are ya doin'?
222
00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:19,157
[FIRING]
Give me that back, will ya?
223
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:20,458
What, are you crazy?
224
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:21,959
There's a German
Schutzstaffel
225
00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:23,060
sittin' there, get him!
[FIRES]
226
00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,828
Daddy!
A little Jap sniper here.
227
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:26,264
[FIRES]
Give her that there.
228
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,798
Give me that.
229
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,967
All right, I know
that you meant well,
230
00:09:29,969 --> 00:09:33,271
but we'd rather
you give Joey something a little less violent.
231
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:36,707
Ah, come on.
Yeah, Archie, we'll get him somethin' else.
232
00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:38,609
"We'll get him
something else."
233
00:09:38,611 --> 00:09:40,077
What do you
wanna get him?
234
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:42,213
A little dolly
in a pink party dress?
235
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:43,681
Oh, no, don't
get him a doll.
236
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:45,550
We already got him one.
It's so cute.
237
00:09:45,552 --> 00:09:47,418
Ah, don't tell me--
Oh, jeez!
238
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,786
Look--You got him that?
239
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:50,588
Now I can lay down
and croak.
240
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,323
I seen everything.
241
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:57,195
A dolly. What, are you
gonna raise him up to be a fruitcake?
242
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,663
No, let's do it
your way, Arch.
243
00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:00,865
We'll raise him up
to be a mafia hit-man.
244
00:10:00,867 --> 00:10:02,299
Get away from me, you.
245
00:10:02,301 --> 00:10:05,570
Daddy, it's very good
for little boys to play with dolls.
246
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:08,238
There's even a book out now
called William's Doll.
247
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:11,041
Williams Doll?!
248
00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:13,044
Yes, yes, yes!
Aw, come on.
249
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:17,014
And it says that little boys
who play with dolls grow up to be good fathers.
250
00:10:17,016 --> 00:10:18,983
Oh, what a lie.
251
00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:20,885
Little boys who play with dolls
252
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:25,389
grow up to be
other boys' roommates.
253
00:10:27,058 --> 00:10:28,559
I'll give this
to somebody else.
254
00:10:28,561 --> 00:10:30,962
Give it to me.
Daddy--
255
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,262
Look what you just did!
256
00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:34,364
What did you do that for?
257
00:10:34,366 --> 00:10:38,235
All right, don't make
a federal case out of it.
258
00:10:38,237 --> 00:10:40,337
Well, I can't give it
to Joey like this.
259
00:10:40,339 --> 00:10:43,207
All right, maybe you
could find some poor, deserving, little, sissy kid
260
00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:46,777
who would like
a "decrapitated" pee-pee doll.
261
00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:48,779
She hits me
all the time.
262
00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:50,248
Maybe we can find
some poor, deserving,
263
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,284
homicidal maniac
who'd like this. Hey, hey!
264
00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:55,419
Michael!
You like that?
265
00:10:55,421 --> 00:10:58,389
You know what you
just went and done?
266
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:01,625
You blew seven bucks
of my hard-earned dough.
267
00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:03,427
Now, stop it,
both of you.
268
00:11:03,429 --> 00:11:05,696
You're ruining
Joey's birthday.
269
00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:06,864
To hell
with the birthday.
270
00:11:06,866 --> 00:11:08,466
They're ruining Joey.
271
00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:10,100
For your information, Arch,
272
00:11:10,102 --> 00:11:12,135
all Gloria and I have been
talking about this morning
273
00:11:12,137 --> 00:11:13,737
is how you're ruining Joey.
274
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:14,938
I'm--What is it?
Wait a minute.
275
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:17,040
[ALL ARGUING]
276
00:11:19,811 --> 00:11:21,712
I have made up my mind!
277
00:11:21,714 --> 00:11:24,314
We are not leaving
Joey with him!
278
00:11:24,316 --> 00:11:26,450
We're leaving Joey
with Al and Trudy.
279
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:27,585
When?
280
00:11:31,457 --> 00:11:32,957
When we're gone.
281
00:11:32,959 --> 00:11:35,793
Where the hell are you
goin' on his birthday?
282
00:11:37,128 --> 00:11:39,429
Arch, what I'm trying
to say is...
283
00:11:41,233 --> 00:11:44,835
...if anything terrible
should happen to Gloria and me,
284
00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:48,138
we've decided to leave
Joey with Al and Trudy.
285
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,474
We feel that
for a lot of reasons
286
00:11:50,476 --> 00:11:52,043
that would be
the wisest choice.
287
00:11:55,346 --> 00:11:59,083
You mean if you die,
288
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:03,921
you want your friends
to bring up Joey
289
00:12:03,923 --> 00:12:07,024
instead of his own
grandparents?
290
00:12:07,026 --> 00:12:10,895
Yeah, that's what
I'm saying, Ma.
291
00:12:12,464 --> 00:12:14,331
Well, what are
you saying here?
292
00:12:14,333 --> 00:12:17,201
You're saying that her
and me ain't good enough
293
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:19,436
to, uh,
raise our own grandson?
294
00:12:24,942 --> 00:12:25,876
Huh?
295
00:12:29,614 --> 00:12:31,249
Oh, well...
296
00:12:33,451 --> 00:12:37,121
I guess there ain't nothin'
left to say, uh, except, uh,
297
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:38,756
where's my hat?
298
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:46,396
Ma, Daddy, don't walk out
on Joey's birthday.
299
00:12:46,398 --> 00:12:47,631
Oh, oh, listen, I mean,
300
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,400
uh, if we ain't fit
to raise Joey
301
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:51,701
then, uh, we ain't fit
to be at the birthday.
302
00:12:51,703 --> 00:12:54,004
Well, let me
tell you this--
303
00:12:54,006 --> 00:12:57,608
you gonna sing
"Happy Birthday" around here,
304
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:59,243
don't let me hear it
next door.
305
00:12:59,245 --> 00:13:01,445
You better
keep it pretty low.
306
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:05,149
Or I am gonna
call the cops on youse.
307
00:13:19,364 --> 00:13:22,200
I really think we did
what we had to do.
308
00:13:24,803 --> 00:13:27,305
It's not just Archie's
attitude about guns.
309
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,807
I could accept
a toy gun on a birthday.
310
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,709
It's his attitude
about everything.
311
00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:35,579
Do you want our son growing up
fearing and mistrusting all the other kids,
312
00:13:35,581 --> 00:13:37,715
thinking that
all blacks are lazy,
313
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:40,584
that all Jews
are money grubbers,
314
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:42,687
that all Puerto Ricans
carry knives,
315
00:13:42,689 --> 00:13:45,556
and that Polish people
put initials on their sleeves
316
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:48,392
so they can have
monogrammed hankerchiefs?
317
00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:52,997
'Cause let's face it, honey,
that's the way Archie thinks.
318
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:55,465
Well, I didn't grow up
thinking that way.
319
00:13:55,467 --> 00:13:58,135
Yeah, but you also
had your mother's influence.
320
00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:01,071
We can't take the chance that
something might happen to Ma.
321
00:14:01,073 --> 00:14:04,408
Look, I'm confident
we made the right decision.
322
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:06,376
Well, I'm not.
323
00:14:06,378 --> 00:14:10,715
I'll be the first to admit that
Al and Trudy are not perfect.
324
00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:13,117
What I know about Al,
I like.
325
00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:16,386
Well, what about
what you don't know about him?
326
00:14:16,388 --> 00:14:20,057
I'm sure he has his faults.
327
00:14:20,059 --> 00:14:21,726
Let's get this thing
over with, huh?
328
00:14:21,728 --> 00:14:23,494
Who are you calling?
I'm calling Al.
329
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,962
Michael, don't call Al.
330
00:14:24,964 --> 00:14:28,432
Please, please.
Just trust me.
331
00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:33,270
Al, hey. You crazy nutball,
how the hell are you?
332
00:14:33,272 --> 00:14:34,271
Yeah, it's me.
333
00:14:34,273 --> 00:14:35,672
EDITH: Can I come in?
334
00:14:35,674 --> 00:14:37,875
Come on in.
Michael, it's Ma.
335
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,543
Nice talking to you, Al.
336
00:14:44,916 --> 00:14:45,950
Hi, Ma.
337
00:14:45,952 --> 00:14:47,084
Hi, Ma.
338
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:49,053
Hello.
339
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:51,622
I wanna talk to ya.
340
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:53,124
Where's Daddy?
341
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,191
He's home.
342
00:14:54,193 --> 00:14:56,627
He don't wanna
ever step foot
343
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,663
in this house again.
344
00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:02,099
Well, you didn't give us
a chance to explain.
345
00:15:02,101 --> 00:15:04,768
Yeah, there were a lot
of things to consider.
346
00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:08,639
Raising a child
is a really hard job, you know?
347
00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:11,842
There's a hundred and one
things to do every minute.
348
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:14,244
Oh, I didn't know that.
349
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:18,482
I know you
went through it, Ma,
350
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:21,818
but it gets tougher
as the years go by,
351
00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:25,256
and, well, maybe child-rearing
is for younger women.
352
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:28,893
Gloria, do you
really believe that?
353
00:15:32,530 --> 00:15:34,531
No.
354
00:15:36,301 --> 00:15:39,136
I thought
you'd trust us more.
355
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:40,771
I'm sorry.
356
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:43,941
What's wrong
with your father and me.
357
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:48,078
Ma, there's nothing
wrong with you.
358
00:15:49,347 --> 00:15:52,616
Let me tell you
somethin' about Archie--
359
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:55,986
he loves his grandson.
360
00:15:55,988 --> 00:15:58,189
He's a good grandpa.
361
00:15:58,191 --> 00:15:59,456
I never seen him
362
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:03,393
show so much love
as he does to little Joey.
363
00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:06,596
Ma, maybe I can
explain it to him.
364
00:16:06,598 --> 00:16:09,933
No, he's too hurt already.
365
00:16:09,935 --> 00:16:12,936
He don't wanna talk
no more about this.
366
00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:15,205
I wanna talk about this!
367
00:16:16,908 --> 00:16:18,642
Get away from me, you.
368
00:16:18,644 --> 00:16:20,777
I wanna talk
to my daughter over here.
369
00:16:20,779 --> 00:16:22,046
I wanna--
[FIRES]
370
00:16:22,048 --> 00:16:23,047
Oh, jeez.
371
00:16:25,216 --> 00:16:26,683
Don't laugh!
372
00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:28,285
Don't nobody laugh.
373
00:16:35,994 --> 00:16:38,996
I wanna hear this
from your own mouth,
374
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:40,965
that you don't think
your mother and me
375
00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,434
is fit guardians
for little Joey.
376
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:45,635
Look, Arch, we know
this is tough on you--
377
00:16:45,637 --> 00:16:47,104
I don't wanna hear
nothin' from you.
378
00:16:48,739 --> 00:16:51,075
Do you think if you died
379
00:16:51,077 --> 00:16:53,844
and some stranger come along
to take that child
380
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,679
that I wouldn't grab him?
381
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:57,614
We can put it
in the will.
382
00:16:57,616 --> 00:17:00,884
Oh, oh, oh, the will, huh?
383
00:17:00,886 --> 00:17:02,852
I would take
any will into court
384
00:17:02,854 --> 00:17:04,588
and have it thrown out.
385
00:17:04,590 --> 00:17:05,989
On what grounds?
386
00:17:05,991 --> 00:17:08,258
On the courthouse grounds,
under the windows.
387
00:17:12,497 --> 00:17:15,865
You think any self-respecting
Republican judge
388
00:17:15,867 --> 00:17:18,168
is gonna go
against me in this?
389
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:21,037
A veteran citizen
of New York, and alive,
390
00:17:21,039 --> 00:17:24,774
in favor of a dead Polack
from Chicago?
391
00:17:24,776 --> 00:17:26,210
I think our decision
392
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,546
is speaking for itself
right now.
393
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,881
Well, is this
your decision?
394
00:17:34,085 --> 00:17:36,520
I wish I were dead.
395
00:17:36,522 --> 00:17:37,621
Me too.
396
00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:39,790
Oh, listen, let me
tell you, Meathead,
397
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:42,226
death ain't gonna
save you from me.
398
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,728
I would dig you up,
dust you off,
399
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:47,398
drag you into court,
and say "look at this."
400
00:17:51,169 --> 00:17:56,072
I hate
this conversation!
401
00:17:56,074 --> 00:17:59,110
In the meantime,
live with that.
402
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,378
Edith, I had my say,
403
00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:03,046
and that should be
good enough for you.
404
00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:04,047
Let's go.
405
00:18:04,049 --> 00:18:05,916
But, Archie,
we can't leave.
406
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,751
No, no, Edith.
What the hell is the use
407
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,520
in talking to these people?
408
00:18:09,522 --> 00:18:11,221
They ain't gonna listen.
409
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:12,823
It's like the old "adverb,"
you know?
410
00:18:12,825 --> 00:18:14,725
You can lead
a gift horse to the water,
411
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:16,426
but you can't look
in his mouth.
412
00:18:21,766 --> 00:18:23,701
Well, tell Joey
413
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:28,071
his grandma and his grandpa
wish him a happy birthday.
414
00:18:30,108 --> 00:18:32,542
[CRYING]
415
00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:39,783
Honey, honey,
come on, come on.
416
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,451
You know in your heart
417
00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:43,821
that Al's the better
choice over Archie...
418
00:18:44,889 --> 00:18:46,023
don't you?
419
00:18:48,159 --> 00:18:51,929
My father might be a lot
of things, Michael,
420
00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:54,331
but I am willing to bet you
421
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:55,799
that at a party,
422
00:18:55,801 --> 00:18:58,869
he never made a pass
at his best friend's wife.
423
00:19:03,775 --> 00:19:04,775
Wha--
424
00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,043
You--
425
00:19:06,045 --> 00:19:08,111
Wha--Tha--
426
00:19:08,113 --> 00:19:09,279
Tha--
427
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:10,747
Al Bender did that?!
428
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:12,049
Honey, I wasn't
gonna tell you.
429
00:19:12,051 --> 00:19:13,716
I didn't wanna
ruin your friendship.
430
00:19:13,718 --> 00:19:14,717
Behind my back?!
431
00:19:14,719 --> 00:19:17,654
No, right under
your nose.
432
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:21,158
You got bombed, and then
he got a little grabby.
433
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,359
Grabby? Where?
434
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:23,460
Right in the kitchen.
435
00:19:23,462 --> 00:19:25,129
Not where there.
436
00:19:25,131 --> 00:19:27,397
Where here?
437
00:19:27,399 --> 00:19:28,832
Oh, where here
doesn't matter.
438
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:30,367
Nothing happened.
439
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:33,103
Michael, do you think I'd let
a turkey like Al Bender
440
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:34,671
threaten our marriage?
441
00:19:34,673 --> 00:19:35,839
I love you.
442
00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:41,278
I'm sorry, honey.
443
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:43,147
I love you, too.
444
00:19:44,682 --> 00:19:46,183
I trust you.
445
00:19:52,723 --> 00:19:55,159
Just tell me
where he grabbed you.
446
00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:56,961
Just--I just wanna--
Forget it, Michael.
447
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:57,962
It doesn't matter.
448
00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,362
Don't you understand?
449
00:19:59,364 --> 00:20:01,899
We belong to each other.
450
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,467
Forever and ever.
451
00:20:06,470 --> 00:20:07,538
That's it!
452
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:08,939
What?
That's the solution.
453
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:09,940
What?
454
00:20:09,942 --> 00:20:11,542
Forever and ever!
455
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:12,943
What are you talking about?
456
00:20:12,945 --> 00:20:16,212
We don't need to find
guardians for Joey
457
00:20:16,214 --> 00:20:18,982
because we're never
going to die!
458
00:20:18,984 --> 00:20:23,486
Oh, why didn't
I think of that?
459
00:20:25,256 --> 00:20:26,823
We'll make
an anti-dying pact.
460
00:20:26,825 --> 00:20:29,627
We'll promise each other
never to die.
461
00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:32,129
You will not die,
and I will not die,
462
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:33,631
and if we ever
decide to die,
463
00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:35,299
we just won't die
at the same time.
464
00:20:35,301 --> 00:20:37,668
Agreed?
[SPITS]
465
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:38,969
Agree.
466
00:20:38,971 --> 00:20:40,871
[SPITS]
467
00:20:43,140 --> 00:20:45,509
You know, we're just
avoiding this thing?
468
00:20:46,944 --> 00:20:49,312
For now.
469
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:51,748
[IMITATING LILY TOMLIN]
And you know what else we should do?
470
00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:53,550
We should stick a pin
in our finger,
471
00:20:53,552 --> 00:20:55,986
and sign the oath
in blood.
472
00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:58,388
Are you crazy? We could
get infections and die.
473
00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:09,566
Yeah, oh, sure, little girl.
474
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:12,635
Yeah, uh, thanks
very much for callin' up.
475
00:21:12,637 --> 00:21:16,673
No, no, you don't have
to apologize no more, I--
476
00:21:16,675 --> 00:21:20,777
Oh, yeah, I understand
what youse are gonna do now.
477
00:21:20,779 --> 00:21:22,279
Wait till you hear
the nut-stuff
478
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,913
I'm hearin' on this phone.
479
00:21:25,350 --> 00:21:27,517
Yeah, oh, sure,
we're comin' right over.
480
00:21:27,519 --> 00:21:28,518
Yeah, right over.
481
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:29,519
Yeah, goodbye.
482
00:21:29,521 --> 00:21:30,787
What did she say?
483
00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:33,056
Grab you hat and let's
get over there fast.
484
00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:34,291
What happened?
485
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,859
Is the party on?
486
00:21:35,861 --> 00:21:37,327
Oh, the party's on,
487
00:21:37,329 --> 00:21:40,630
and them two sound like
they're on something powerful.
488
00:21:40,632 --> 00:21:42,699
Well, what did she say?
489
00:21:42,701 --> 00:21:44,701
They decided not to name
490
00:21:44,703 --> 00:21:46,336
what do you call
"Hal" and Trudy
491
00:21:46,338 --> 00:21:48,071
as guardians for Joey.
492
00:21:48,073 --> 00:21:49,872
Well, who did they name?
493
00:21:49,874 --> 00:21:51,975
They're namin' nobody.
494
00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:54,311
Oh.
495
00:21:56,247 --> 00:21:59,316
You know why
they're namin' nobody?
496
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,952
'Cause they just had
a little talk over there,
497
00:22:01,954 --> 00:22:06,456
and they decided that
they ain't never gonna die.
498
00:22:06,458 --> 00:22:07,691
Oh.
499
00:22:07,693 --> 00:22:10,026
[LAUGHING]
500
00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:14,098
Which means they're gonna
live happy ever after
501
00:22:14,100 --> 00:22:15,132
in a booby-hatch.
502
00:22:15,134 --> 00:22:16,934
Oh!
[LAUGHING]
503
00:22:16,936 --> 00:22:18,836
Keep on laughin'
that way, and, uh,
504
00:22:18,838 --> 00:22:21,104
you can move in there
with 'em.
505
00:22:21,106 --> 00:22:25,108
Archie, but that's wonderful,
don't you see?
506
00:22:25,110 --> 00:22:26,143
No!
507
00:22:26,145 --> 00:22:28,244
Well, if they
don't name nobody,
508
00:22:28,246 --> 00:22:29,980
then if something
happens to them--
509
00:22:29,982 --> 00:22:31,982
Oh, God forbid,
510
00:22:31,984 --> 00:22:35,919
but we would get Joey,
'cause we're his grandparents,
511
00:22:35,921 --> 00:22:38,221
we're blood relations.
512
00:22:38,223 --> 00:22:41,258
Well, that's pretty sharp
thinkin' there, Edith.
513
00:22:41,260 --> 00:22:43,960
That's the kinda thinkin'
I'd have probably,
514
00:22:43,962 --> 00:22:46,263
uh, thought about myself
if I'd have thought about it,
515
00:22:46,265 --> 00:22:48,932
but still, don't you
feel insulted?
516
00:22:48,934 --> 00:22:50,667
Why didn't they name us?
517
00:22:50,669 --> 00:22:54,437
Well, maybe they will sometime.
518
00:22:54,439 --> 00:22:55,438
But when?
519
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:58,642
Well, I don't know.
Not today.
520
00:22:58,644 --> 00:23:00,077
Come on, let's go.
521
00:23:00,079 --> 00:23:02,713
Edith, you know what
we're doin', don't ya?
522
00:23:02,715 --> 00:23:05,816
We're just sweepi''
dirty dishes
523
00:23:05,818 --> 00:23:07,217
under the rug.
524
00:23:10,655 --> 00:23:12,723
Well, for now.
525
00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:14,758
Come on,
let's go to the party.
526
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,292
Wait a minute, look in
your pocket-book.
527
00:23:16,294 --> 00:23:18,394
See if you got
a $10 bill there, will ya?
528
00:23:18,396 --> 00:23:19,930
Well, yeah, I think I do.
529
00:23:19,932 --> 00:23:21,297
What do you want it for?
530
00:23:21,299 --> 00:23:23,766
I wanna get down to Kharf's
before they close,
531
00:23:23,768 --> 00:23:25,235
and pick up
another machine gun.
532
00:23:25,237 --> 00:23:27,170
Oh, no.
533
00:23:27,172 --> 00:23:28,205
Give me the money!
No!
534
00:23:28,207 --> 00:23:29,740
Give me the money!
Come on!
535
00:23:29,742 --> 00:23:32,609
Gimme! Edith,
give me that money!
536
00:23:32,611 --> 00:23:34,878
Edith, Edith, I want
that money there!
537
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:36,279
Close the door,
Archie, burglars!
538
00:23:36,281 --> 00:23:37,447
Oh, jeez!
539
00:23:38,816 --> 00:23:39,750
Edith!
540
00:24:02,073 --> 00:24:05,308
♪
541
00:24:05,310 --> 00:24:07,343
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
542
00:24:07,345 --> 00:24:09,279
before a live audience.
543
00:24:09,329 --> 00:24:13,879
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