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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,639 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:12,944
♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
4
00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:16,247
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,249 --> 00:00:19,317
♪ And you knewWhere you were then ♪
6
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:23,655
♪ Girls were girlsAnd men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:30,095
♪ Mister, we could use a manLike Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:30,097 --> 00:00:32,396
♪ Didn't needNo welfare state ♪
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00:00:32,398 --> 00:00:36,501
♪ Everybody pulledHis weight ♪
10
00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:40,772
♪ Gee, our old LaSalleRan great ♪
11
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:45,744
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:56,788
[BELL DINGS]
13
00:00:58,691 --> 00:00:59,858
What was that, Ma?
14
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,560
My timer.
15
00:01:05,264 --> 00:01:07,265
Uh, doesn't that mean
you have to do something?
16
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:11,469
No, it's my reminder timer.
17
00:01:13,039 --> 00:01:15,406
It reminds me
that in five minutes
18
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:18,309
I gotta turn off the oven.
19
00:01:22,247 --> 00:01:24,783
Why didn't you set the timer
for five minutes later?
20
00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:28,153
Oh, no, I might be
in the middle of something...
21
00:01:29,288 --> 00:01:31,156
like if I was on the telephone,
22
00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:33,158
I'd have to hang up right away,
23
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,126
and that wouldn't be polite.
24
00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:44,102
But what if somebody calls you
five minutes from now?
25
00:01:50,409 --> 00:01:53,011
I never thought of that.
26
00:01:54,613 --> 00:01:58,116
Maybe I better set it
10 minutes ahead.
27
00:02:00,052 --> 00:02:01,052
[DOOR OPENS]
28
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:03,188
Hidey-ho, everybody!
29
00:02:03,190 --> 00:02:05,690
Hello, Archie.
30
00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:07,192
How was your day?
31
00:02:07,194 --> 00:02:10,461
Oh, Edith,
my day was great.
32
00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:13,198
Oh, did
something good happen?
33
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,999
No, Edith, I mean,
nothing good happened.
34
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:16,334
I mean,
this is New York.
35
00:02:16,336 --> 00:02:19,604
If nothing bad happens,
it's a great day, right?
36
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:21,405
Like I got on the subway
this morning,
37
00:02:21,407 --> 00:02:23,775
and... it went.
38
00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:25,176
Then the second
miracle of the day
39
00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:26,978
was when the oil from
your tuna fish sandwich
40
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:31,182
didn't leak through
onto my Twinkies.
41
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:32,984
Then to top off
the whole day,
42
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,019
I won a buck bet from
Stretch Cunningham.
43
00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:36,454
How did you do that?
44
00:02:36,456 --> 00:02:37,989
Wait till you hear.
45
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,858
We was all sitting around
at lunchtime talking, see,
46
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:41,092
and I says to Stretch,
47
00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:42,560
"Hey, I was watching
a bowling tournament.
48
00:02:42,562 --> 00:02:44,629
I see a guy,
he bowled 301."
49
00:02:44,631 --> 00:02:45,864
Stretch says,
"That can't be."
50
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:47,265
I says,
"Oh, no? You wanna bet?
51
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:48,666
Put your money
where your mouth is."
52
00:02:48,668 --> 00:02:50,268
So the dumb sucker
bets me a buck.
53
00:02:50,270 --> 00:02:52,603
He hollers,
"Hey, Arch, you lost.
54
00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:55,206
"In bowling,
300 is a perfect game.
55
00:02:55,208 --> 00:02:57,475
How could a guy bowl 301?"
56
00:02:57,477 --> 00:03:00,912
I says, "Did you ever see
a guy bowl 300 and lose?"
57
00:03:00,914 --> 00:03:02,480
You get it, huh?
58
00:03:03,916 --> 00:03:05,950
Oh, yeah.
59
00:03:05,952 --> 00:03:09,954
He lost because
somebody else bowled 301.
60
00:03:15,094 --> 00:03:16,527
No, no, no, Edith,
61
00:03:16,529 --> 00:03:19,497
y-y-you--
you can only bowl 300, see?
62
00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:22,233
Then you didn't
tell Stretch the truth,
63
00:03:22,235 --> 00:03:25,736
because you said
the man bowled 301.
64
00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:29,073
No, I didn't mean "one" one.
I meant him, the guy, won.
65
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:32,911
Then why didn't you explain
that to Stretch?
66
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,614
Because then he wouldn't
have bet with me, Edith.
67
00:03:36,616 --> 00:03:39,617
You see, in bowling,
you got 10 frames there.
68
00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:41,585
See, I mean, you're
supposed to get a certain...
69
00:03:41,587 --> 00:03:42,887
Each frame you get a...
70
00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:44,689
I mean,
if you get 30 from each frame...
71
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:46,224
Ah, forget it!
72
00:03:49,261 --> 00:03:51,095
You don't understand bowling.
73
00:03:51,097 --> 00:03:53,464
No, Arch, what she doesn't
understand is larceny.
74
00:03:56,902 --> 00:03:59,103
Was I talking to you?
75
00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:00,805
Edith,
what's for supper?
76
00:04:00,807 --> 00:04:04,209
Oh, something special.
It's Gloria's birthday.
77
00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:05,443
It's Gloria's
birthday again?
78
00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:06,444
That's right, Arch.
79
00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:07,745
They come once a year, regular.
80
00:04:09,448 --> 00:04:11,649
I still ain't talking to you.
81
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:13,517
Just think, Archie,
82
00:04:13,519 --> 00:04:17,655
our little girl
is 23 years old.
83
00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:19,623
It just seems
like yesterday
84
00:04:19,625 --> 00:04:22,327
when I was changing
her diaper.
85
00:04:22,329 --> 00:04:23,594
Do you remember
86
00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:26,530
how you used to play
peek-a-boo with Gloria?
87
00:04:26,532 --> 00:04:28,166
Oh, oh,
forget that, huh?
88
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:32,203
Oh, Mike,
Gloria just loved that game.
89
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,239
She used to make Archie
play it with her
90
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,240
all the time.
91
00:04:35,242 --> 00:04:37,275
Do we have to get into this?
92
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,443
Archie used
to crawl around
93
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,312
on his hands and knees,
94
00:04:41,314 --> 00:04:44,382
and then he'd come up
from under the crib
95
00:04:44,384 --> 00:04:46,717
and say,"Peek-a-boo, I see you."
96
00:04:46,719 --> 00:04:47,986
[LAUGHING]
97
00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:51,155
And Gloria would
laugh and laugh.
98
00:04:51,157 --> 00:04:53,124
Wasn't you on your way
to the kitchen?
99
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,792
Oh!
100
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:57,929
Oh, don't tell Gloria
anything about her birthday.
101
00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,264
I wanna surprise her.
102
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,699
I'm gonna put the
candles on the cake.
103
00:05:17,016 --> 00:05:19,784
"Peek-a-boo, I see you"?
104
00:05:22,054 --> 00:05:23,988
Somehow I just can't
picture you doing that.
105
00:05:25,190 --> 00:05:26,391
Well, try
picturing this...
106
00:05:26,393 --> 00:05:28,192
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
107
00:05:30,996 --> 00:05:32,030
Hi, everybody.
108
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:33,664
Oh, hi, Gloria.
How are you?
109
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:34,665
Hmm.
110
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:35,666
You look a little down.
111
00:05:35,668 --> 00:05:36,935
You have
a rough day today?
112
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:38,336
No, but I got
a rotten headache.
113
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,737
It's that time
of the month again.
114
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:42,974
Oh, hey, hey, hey there,
little girl, huh?
115
00:05:42,976 --> 00:05:45,676
Try talking delicate
in front of your father.
116
00:05:47,179 --> 00:05:48,612
Oh, hi, Gloria.
117
00:05:48,614 --> 00:05:49,914
Hi, Ma.
118
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:52,951
Mike, would you clear
your books off the table?
119
00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:55,353
Sure, Ma. Gloria, maybe you
ought to lie down for a while.
120
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,554
No, I'll just sit here.
121
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:57,822
What's the matter?
122
00:05:57,824 --> 00:06:00,691
Nothing serious, Ma.
Just that time of the month.
123
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:03,594
Hey, do I have
to hear about this?
124
00:06:03,596 --> 00:06:06,230
Oh, Daddy,
it's a normal human function.
125
00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:10,034
I don't like to hear
about normal human functions.
126
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:14,538
Gloria, maybe your father
would rather hear,
127
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,741
"It's Mother Nature
come to call."
128
00:06:28,087 --> 00:06:29,920
All right,
if you got to talk about it,
129
00:06:29,922 --> 00:06:32,423
that would be a little nicer,
more ladylike, yeah.
130
00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:34,192
Well,
why do I have to be ladylike?
131
00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:36,060
I mean,
what's there to be ashamed of?
132
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,062
Would you believe
there's a girl who works with me
133
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:40,465
who says, "I just got
a visit from my friend"?
134
00:06:44,769 --> 00:06:47,238
All right,
that's kind of nice too.
135
00:06:49,541 --> 00:06:54,278
Oh, remember Mrs. Carmody,
the one who had 11 children?
136
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,015
She used to call it
"the blessing."
137
00:07:04,089 --> 00:07:08,459
Now, that is enough of this!
138
00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:10,928
I don't wanna hear nothing
more about women's problems.
139
00:07:10,930 --> 00:07:13,297
You don't hear men complaining
about their problems, do you?
140
00:07:13,299 --> 00:07:14,932
That's because men don't
have any problems
141
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:16,167
compared to women.
142
00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:18,302
And that's God's will,
so forget it.
143
00:07:20,305 --> 00:07:21,539
You mean God's mistake.
144
00:07:21,541 --> 00:07:23,607
Hey, hey.
145
00:07:23,609 --> 00:07:25,543
Hey, God don't make no mistakes.
146
00:07:25,545 --> 00:07:27,512
That's how he got to be God.
147
00:07:32,484 --> 00:07:33,684
Don't be blaming nothing on God
148
00:07:33,686 --> 00:07:35,219
that youse women brung
on yourselves.
149
00:07:35,221 --> 00:07:37,021
What?
150
00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:38,756
Yes, that's right!
151
00:07:38,758 --> 00:07:40,724
You don't believe me,
read your Bible.
152
00:07:40,726 --> 00:07:43,294
Read your story
of Adam and Eve there.
153
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,595
I mean, Adam and Eve,
154
00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:46,197
they had it pretty soft
out in paradise.
155
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:47,331
They had no problems.
156
00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:50,234
They didn't even know
they was naked.
157
00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:53,271
But Eve, she wasn't
satisfied with that, see?
158
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:54,939
And then one day,
against direct orders,
159
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:57,275
she made poor Adam
eat that apple.
160
00:07:57,277 --> 00:07:58,609
God got sore.
161
00:07:58,611 --> 00:08:00,010
He told them,
"Get your clothes on
162
00:08:00,012 --> 00:08:01,679
and get the hell out of here."
163
00:08:04,216 --> 00:08:05,616
That's why that Eve was cursed,
164
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,851
and that's why they call it...
what do you call it?
165
00:08:07,853 --> 00:08:09,153
"The curse."
166
00:08:11,290 --> 00:08:12,557
Well, there you have it, Gloria,
167
00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:15,626
direct from
the Reverend Archie Bunker:
168
00:08:15,628 --> 00:08:17,095
The true story
of menstruation.
169
00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:20,231
Shush...
with that kind of a word!
170
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:22,633
Oh, Daddy, there's
nothing wrong with that word.
171
00:08:22,635 --> 00:08:24,268
You know something?
172
00:08:24,270 --> 00:08:26,104
It's your kind
of male chauvinist thinking
173
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:28,573
that's made women feel
guilty for thousands of years.
174
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:29,940
What are you talking about?
175
00:08:29,942 --> 00:08:32,343
I'm the kind of a guy
that always looked up to women.
176
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,979
I always put them up there
on a puh-destal.
177
00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:39,283
Well, we don't want
to be up on a "puh-destal."
178
00:08:39,285 --> 00:08:41,152
We want to be treated
like equals.
179
00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,854
You can't be treated
like equals because you ain't.
180
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:45,089
You're the weaker sex,
181
00:08:45,091 --> 00:08:47,091
and we got to protect you
and learn youse things.
182
00:08:47,093 --> 00:08:50,328
He just proved everything
Germaine Greer said.
183
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:53,364
I don't even know the guy.
Who is he?
184
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:55,233
Arch,
Germaine Greer is a woman,
185
00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:56,867
and she wrote a book
on women's rights.
186
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:58,169
It's called
The Female Eunuch.
187
00:08:58,171 --> 00:08:59,770
Ah, there ain't no
such thing as that.
188
00:08:59,772 --> 00:09:01,205
Oh, yes, there is.
189
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:02,640
That's what men have
made of women.
190
00:09:02,642 --> 00:09:06,544
There can't be no such thing
as a female eunuch,
191
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,546
because the what you got
to lose to be that,
192
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,248
you ain't got that
in the first place.
193
00:09:12,384 --> 00:09:13,817
Arch, Germaine Greer
was just using
194
00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:15,553
the term figuratively.
195
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,788
She meant that women have
been mentally castrated.
196
00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:19,857
Shush!
197
00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:21,792
What are you shushing me
for now?
198
00:09:21,794 --> 00:09:24,595
He's upset because you used
the word "castrated."
199
00:09:24,597 --> 00:09:28,299
If you know the word upsets me,
why are you using it again?
200
00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:31,235
Oh, Daddy, anything
about sex upsets you
201
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,403
because you're
narrow-minded
202
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,004
and puritanical!
Hey, watch that!
203
00:09:34,006 --> 00:09:36,541
And what's more,
you're just plain stupid!
204
00:09:36,543 --> 00:09:39,977
Do you hear the way
you are talking to your father?
205
00:09:39,979 --> 00:09:42,580
Gloria,
can I see you in the kitchen?
206
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:43,914
All right, Ma,
207
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,516
but I meant
every single word I said.
208
00:09:45,518 --> 00:09:46,517
Oh, no, she didn't.
209
00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:49,620
Yes, I did.
210
00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:51,255
Why don't you two sit down...
211
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,491
[WHISPERS]
and get ready for the cake.
212
00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,326
Gloria, I don't think
you should talk
213
00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:57,795
to your father
that way.
214
00:09:57,797 --> 00:09:59,497
I know you ain't
feeling good,
215
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,131
but he's your father.
216
00:10:01,133 --> 00:10:02,533
Yeah, but that doesn't
make him right
217
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:04,535
and when he's wrong,
I'm going to tell him so.
218
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,637
But you didn't tell
him he was wrong,
219
00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:08,239
you told him
he was stupid.
220
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:09,873
Well, he was.
221
00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:11,775
Oh, Gloria,
you ought to have
222
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:14,011
more respect
for your father.
223
00:10:14,013 --> 00:10:16,013
Ma, didn't you hear
the things he was saying
224
00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:17,315
about women out there?
225
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:19,550
And that includes me...
and you too, Ma!
226
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:22,920
But that ain't
no way to argue.
227
00:10:22,922 --> 00:10:25,856
I get mad at your father
lots of times,
228
00:10:25,858 --> 00:10:27,925
but I don't
call him stupid.
229
00:10:27,927 --> 00:10:30,027
I know.
You don't do anything.
230
00:10:30,029 --> 00:10:31,662
Oh, yes, I do.
231
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:33,163
What?
232
00:10:33,165 --> 00:10:36,834
I come into the kitchen
and I make myself a cup of tea.
233
00:10:38,169 --> 00:10:39,903
Well,
what good does that do?
234
00:10:39,905 --> 00:10:41,805
Well, I go back in,
235
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:44,575
and Archie forgot
what we was arguing about,
236
00:10:44,577 --> 00:10:46,444
so I won,
only he don't know it.
237
00:10:50,682 --> 00:10:53,951
Ma, you're
just giving in to him.
238
00:10:53,953 --> 00:10:55,219
Not really.
239
00:10:55,221 --> 00:10:57,655
Yes, you are!
Daddy always gets his way!
240
00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,022
Not always.
241
00:10:59,024 --> 00:11:01,692
Oh, Ma, you let him
walk all over you.
242
00:11:01,694 --> 00:11:03,193
He's turned you
into a doormat!
243
00:11:03,195 --> 00:11:06,196
[GASPS] A doormat?
244
00:11:06,198 --> 00:11:08,832
Right or wrong,
whatever Daddy says, goes.
245
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,669
Your whole life
revolves around Daddy.
246
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:12,836
That ain't true!
247
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:14,639
Ma, you ain't got
a life of your own.
248
00:11:14,641 --> 00:11:16,240
Gloria, I do...
249
00:11:16,242 --> 00:11:19,209
Ma, marriage is supposed
to be a partnership.
250
00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:21,279
Well, you're not a half,
not even a quarter.
251
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,546
You're a nothing, a zero!
252
00:11:22,548 --> 00:11:24,415
Gloria!
253
00:11:24,417 --> 00:11:27,418
And even if you stood up to him
10 times as much as you do,
254
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,553
10 times nothing is
still nothing!
255
00:11:29,555 --> 00:11:31,689
What's going on out
there? Where's dinner?
256
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:33,424
Is that all
you ever think about, dinner?
257
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:34,825
When I'm sitting
at the dinner table,
258
00:11:34,827 --> 00:11:37,295
yeah,
I think about dinner!
259
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:38,896
Now, go ask your mother
where it is.
260
00:11:38,898 --> 00:11:41,299
No, I'm not going
in there again.
261
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,433
Gloria,
are you all right?
262
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,134
Yes.
263
00:11:51,042 --> 00:11:53,977
Well,
I heard a joke today.
264
00:11:53,979 --> 00:11:55,746
Would anybody else care
to hear it?
265
00:12:00,752 --> 00:12:03,487
Uh, yeah, yeah.
I'd like to hear it.
266
00:12:03,489 --> 00:12:05,289
I love a good joke.
267
00:12:05,291 --> 00:12:06,590
All right, this here Scotchman,
268
00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:08,258
he invites
a pal of his to dinner.
269
00:12:08,260 --> 00:12:09,860
He says,
"When you come to the house,
270
00:12:09,862 --> 00:12:11,061
"ring the bell with your elbow
271
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:12,463
and I'll answer
the door for you."
272
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:15,065
The guy says, "Why I got
to ring the bell with my elbow?"
273
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:17,535
The Scotchman says, "You ain't
coming empty-handed, are you?"
274
00:12:17,537 --> 00:12:19,570
[LAUGHS]
275
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:20,838
[FORCES LAUGHTER]
276
00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:23,474
Ha... ha.
277
00:12:24,776 --> 00:12:27,645
Nothing from you, huh?
278
00:12:27,647 --> 00:12:28,646
The meathead laughed.
279
00:12:28,648 --> 00:12:30,681
I don't think
he even got it.
280
00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:32,783
Hey, oh! Look
what's coming here!
281
00:12:32,785 --> 00:12:34,385
Oh, happy birthday!
Surprise!
282
00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:36,286
Here we are,
here we are.
283
00:12:36,288 --> 00:12:37,621
[SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]
284
00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:39,990
♪ Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you ♪
285
00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:42,092
♪ Happy birthday, dear Gloria ♪
286
00:12:42,094 --> 00:12:43,994
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
287
00:12:43,996 --> 00:12:45,162
Oh, Ma...
288
00:12:45,164 --> 00:12:47,030
I don't want to talk
to you no more!
289
00:12:56,975 --> 00:12:58,509
[SIGHS]
290
00:13:03,582 --> 00:13:05,382
[SIGHS MUSICALLY]
291
00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:13,958
[SIGHS DRAMATICALLY]
292
00:13:23,234 --> 00:13:24,635
Hey, Edith...
293
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,872
Not now, Archie.
I ain't in the mood.
294
00:13:38,216 --> 00:13:40,484
For what?
295
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:45,322
For nothing.
Go back to sleep.
296
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:46,624
How can I sleep
297
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,291
with all the noise you're
making here?
298
00:13:48,293 --> 00:13:51,962
You're heaving enough sighs
to blow up an inner tube.
299
00:13:51,964 --> 00:13:58,035
I'm sorry, Archie,
but I just can't sleep.
300
00:13:58,037 --> 00:14:00,203
Well, why don't you
get it off your chest?
301
00:14:00,205 --> 00:14:03,240
What happened
between you and Gloria?
302
00:14:03,242 --> 00:14:06,877
I can't talk
about it, Archie.
303
00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:08,145
Well, don't you want me
304
00:14:08,147 --> 00:14:09,580
to help you
with the problem?
305
00:14:09,582 --> 00:14:11,181
Oh, yeah.
306
00:14:11,183 --> 00:14:14,652
[GENTLY] Well, then just tell me
what the problem is.
307
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,920
[RUDELY] I'll tell you
"Forget it,"
308
00:14:15,922 --> 00:14:17,788
and we'll both go to sleep!
309
00:14:19,490 --> 00:14:22,860
No, I can't, Archie,
310
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,828
but I'll try not to
bother you no more.
311
00:14:24,830 --> 00:14:26,830
Please, huh?
312
00:14:26,832 --> 00:14:28,866
Jeez.
313
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,467
[GROANS]
314
00:14:32,270 --> 00:14:34,071
[GASPS]
315
00:14:34,073 --> 00:14:35,806
What?!
316
00:14:37,909 --> 00:14:42,145
Archie, do you think
I'm a nothing?
317
00:14:42,147 --> 00:14:43,847
What kind
of a question is that
318
00:14:43,849 --> 00:14:46,617
to ask me
at 2:30 in the morning?
319
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,719
Oh, I'm sorry.
320
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,755
"Nothing" just came
into my mind.
321
00:14:53,024 --> 00:14:55,459
It must have felt
right at home there.
322
00:14:58,730 --> 00:15:00,965
I don't understand you.
Why can't you tell me?
323
00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:02,566
I mean, isn't that what
a husband's for,
324
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:03,801
to talk things over with?
325
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:05,903
A husband's also for shutting up
326
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,671
when his wife doesn't
feel like talking.
327
00:15:07,673 --> 00:15:09,974
I'm gonna ignore
that last remark,
328
00:15:09,976 --> 00:15:11,842
because I know you only said it
329
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,043
because you're not feeling well
330
00:15:13,045 --> 00:15:14,377
and you really didn't mean it.
331
00:15:14,379 --> 00:15:16,179
Oh, shut up, Michael.
332
00:15:16,181 --> 00:15:17,581
Now, that one you meant.
333
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,583
That "shut up"
I didn't like at all, Gloria,
334
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,585
and we're gonna
get to the bottom of this.
335
00:15:21,587 --> 00:15:22,920
We're not going to sleep.
336
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:25,322
You tell me why you got
into a fight with your mother!
337
00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:26,556
Because I love her.
338
00:15:26,558 --> 00:15:27,691
What?
339
00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:30,027
I felt I had to tell her
the truth about herself.
340
00:15:30,029 --> 00:15:32,229
Oh, and because of that,
now she's not speaking to you?
341
00:15:32,231 --> 00:15:33,497
[MOCKING MICHAEL] Yes.
342
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,833
Oh, come on, Gloria.
343
00:15:35,835 --> 00:15:37,601
What are you trying to tell me?
344
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:38,902
I know your mother.
345
00:15:38,904 --> 00:15:40,704
I've been living with her
for over two years.
346
00:15:40,706 --> 00:15:41,805
She's a marvelous woman.
347
00:15:41,807 --> 00:15:43,373
Are you saying I'm not?
348
00:15:43,375 --> 00:15:45,242
No, no, I'm not saying that,
but, uh...
349
00:15:45,244 --> 00:15:46,376
[MOCKING MICHAEL]
"But, uh" what?
350
00:15:46,378 --> 00:15:47,811
But, uh...
351
00:15:47,813 --> 00:15:49,647
"But, uh" what? What? What?
But what?
352
00:15:49,649 --> 00:15:51,181
But you're not like your mother.
353
00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:52,716
Well, thank God for that.
354
00:15:52,718 --> 00:15:53,884
You're like your father.
355
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,218
What?
356
00:15:57,188 --> 00:15:59,556
Gloria, you have a very,
very quick temper.
357
00:15:59,558 --> 00:16:01,525
Sometimes you're given
to some very nasty remarks.
358
00:16:01,527 --> 00:16:04,227
Okay, Michael, so you don't
like the way I talk.
359
00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:05,629
What else don't you like
about me?
360
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:06,897
Nothing, nothing.
361
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:08,932
Some of your nasty remarks
are very cute.
362
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:10,134
Oh, ho...
363
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:13,370
Okay...
I got a nasty temper.
364
00:16:13,372 --> 00:16:14,672
What else is
wrong with me?
365
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:16,306
Gloria, this is no
time to stand here
366
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:17,908
and make a list
of all your faults.
367
00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:21,211
Oh! I got so many faults
you can't list them, huh?
368
00:16:21,213 --> 00:16:22,412
I must be a real mess.
369
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:23,613
Is that what
you're saying, Michael?
370
00:16:23,615 --> 00:16:24,614
Is that what you're saying
371
00:16:24,616 --> 00:16:25,615
[BELLOWING]
Will you calm down?
372
00:16:25,617 --> 00:16:26,950
You'll wake up the whole house!
373
00:16:35,593 --> 00:16:36,927
Archie,
I don't think
374
00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,461
you should
listen like that.
375
00:16:38,463 --> 00:16:39,897
This is the best way.
376
00:16:39,899 --> 00:16:42,966
You can hear better
through a glass.
377
00:16:42,968 --> 00:16:45,936
I mean,
what they're saying is private.
378
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:48,939
Oh, well, if it stays
on their side, it's all right,
379
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:51,374
but anything that leaks
through my wall into my room,
380
00:16:51,376 --> 00:16:53,243
I can listen to.
381
00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:55,045
I was right.
I was right.
382
00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:56,279
When you talk like
that, you're
383
00:16:56,281 --> 00:16:57,881
just as boneheaded
as your father!
384
00:16:57,883 --> 00:17:01,719
Hey! I heard that!
385
00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:03,353
Hey, you stop listening
in there!
386
00:17:03,355 --> 00:17:04,722
What was that?
387
00:17:04,724 --> 00:17:05,956
I said, "stop listening!"
388
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:06,824
[SCREAMS]
389
00:17:18,236 --> 00:17:20,570
Archie, does it hurt?
390
00:17:20,572 --> 00:17:23,006
Certainly it hurts!
391
00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:26,043
Serves you right
for listening.
392
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:27,244
You can
stop listening now.
393
00:17:27,246 --> 00:17:28,511
The fight is over.
394
00:17:28,513 --> 00:17:30,347
The fight might be over
between you and him,
395
00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:31,681
but not between him and me.
396
00:17:31,683 --> 00:17:33,150
How dares
he call me a bonehead?
397
00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:34,852
And how did you hear that?
398
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:37,087
Did you have your hot little ear
pressed against the wall?
399
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:38,255
No!
400
00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:40,590
He listened
with this glass.
401
00:17:40,592 --> 00:17:42,126
Give me that.
402
00:17:42,128 --> 00:17:44,128
Well, I have one final thing
to say to you.
403
00:17:44,130 --> 00:17:45,129
Get away from me.
404
00:17:45,131 --> 00:17:46,130
[YELLING] Good night!
405
00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:46,997
Ah!
406
00:17:48,599 --> 00:17:49,867
Excuse me.
407
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:50,901
You! You!
What? What?
408
00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:53,403
[SCREAMS]
409
00:17:59,077 --> 00:18:00,077
He made more sense
410
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,578
when he was coming
through the glass.
411
00:18:05,216 --> 00:18:06,316
All right, Gloria,
412
00:18:06,318 --> 00:18:07,918
get off the couch
and come back upstairs.
413
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,452
Let's go.
Leave me alone.
414
00:18:09,454 --> 00:18:10,854
Gloria, I'm in no mood
for games.
415
00:18:10,856 --> 00:18:11,955
I'm your husband.
416
00:18:11,957 --> 00:18:13,824
Get off the couch
and come back upstairs.
417
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,625
Get lost.
418
00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:16,927
All right.
All right.
419
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,528
I can see you're
acting like a child.
420
00:18:18,530 --> 00:18:19,930
That's right, you're
acting like a child.
421
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,131
I'm not acting
like a child!
422
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:23,100
I'm going to have
to treat you like one.
423
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,301
You're coming back upstairs.
Let's go!
424
00:18:24,303 --> 00:18:25,502
Oh, Archie, look,
it's all right.
425
00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:26,503
They made up.
426
00:18:37,648 --> 00:18:38,916
You hit me!
427
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:39,917
Oh, Michael...
428
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:41,584
You hit me across the face.
429
00:18:41,586 --> 00:18:42,585
Oh, I didn't mean...
430
00:18:42,587 --> 00:18:43,586
You hit me!
431
00:18:43,588 --> 00:18:44,988
You hit me!
Did you see that?
432
00:18:44,990 --> 00:18:46,924
Yeah, it was worth
getting up for.
433
00:18:48,927 --> 00:18:50,194
Stop it, Daddy.
434
00:18:50,196 --> 00:18:51,628
Michael,
are you all right?
435
00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,630
No, no, I'm not all right!
I'm not all right!
436
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:55,265
A person who gets
hit across the face
437
00:18:55,267 --> 00:18:56,266
is never all right!
438
00:18:56,268 --> 00:18:57,267
You hit me!
439
00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:58,335
Stop saying that!
440
00:18:58,337 --> 00:18:59,937
What do you want me to say,
Gloria?
441
00:18:59,939 --> 00:19:02,706
"Thank you very much,"
and then turn the other cheek?
442
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,607
Yeah, go ahead.
I'd love to see a replay.
443
00:19:05,743 --> 00:19:07,244
Will you stay
out of this!
444
00:19:07,246 --> 00:19:09,446
Mike, would you like me
to get you a cold towel
445
00:19:09,448 --> 00:19:10,613
for your face?
446
00:19:10,615 --> 00:19:11,949
[LAUGHING]
You see that?
447
00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:12,950
There's
the difference
448
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:14,218
between you and
your mother, Gloria.
449
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:16,053
You hit me, and she
worries about me.
450
00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:18,222
Oh, Michael, stop
being such a crybaby.
451
00:19:18,224 --> 00:19:19,489
I didn't hit
you that hard.
452
00:19:19,491 --> 00:19:20,557
That's not the point,
Gloria.
453
00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:21,992
That's not the point
at all!
454
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,393
Ma, let me
ask you a question.
455
00:19:23,395 --> 00:19:24,394
Did you ever hit Archie?
456
00:19:24,396 --> 00:19:25,562
Oh, no!
457
00:19:25,564 --> 00:19:26,763
Oh, you're damn
right she didn't.
458
00:19:26,765 --> 00:19:27,764
Yeah, you see that?
459
00:19:27,766 --> 00:19:28,765
She never hit
your father.
460
00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:30,367
And if anyone ever
deserved to be hit...
461
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:31,434
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
462
00:19:34,405 --> 00:19:37,774
I felt like
hitting him once...
463
00:19:37,776 --> 00:19:39,243
when you lost
your whole paycheck
464
00:19:39,245 --> 00:19:40,510
in that poker game.
465
00:19:40,512 --> 00:19:41,912
Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah,
but you didn't.
466
00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:43,914
Oh, I couldn't hit you
while you was crying.
467
00:19:43,916 --> 00:19:44,781
Aw!
468
00:19:47,185 --> 00:19:48,618
I don't remember that!
469
00:19:48,620 --> 00:19:50,053
That's because
you was drunk.
470
00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:52,455
Aw! Lay off, will you?
471
00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:54,057
Them things are
supposed to be private.
472
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:55,859
That's a strange word
coming from a man
473
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:57,727
who just had a glass
in his ear.
474
00:20:00,598 --> 00:20:03,267
Come on, let's get
this over with, huh?
475
00:20:03,269 --> 00:20:04,467
Why don't
you two make up?
476
00:20:04,469 --> 00:20:05,535
Ask him.
477
00:20:05,537 --> 00:20:06,770
Well,
you're willing to make up?
478
00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:08,671
Fine, I forgive you!
479
00:20:08,673 --> 00:20:10,840
Oh, thank you, Michael.
480
00:20:10,842 --> 00:20:12,542
I'm sleeping on the couch.
481
00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:14,111
What is the matter
with you now?
482
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:15,345
I said I forgive you!
483
00:20:15,347 --> 00:20:16,746
You forgive me?
484
00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:18,148
You pick me up like a child
485
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,250
and drag me upstairs
against my will,
486
00:20:20,252 --> 00:20:21,351
and you forgive me?
487
00:20:21,353 --> 00:20:24,121
Gloria,
if you understood one iota
488
00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,989
about the psychology
of the male ego...
489
00:20:25,991 --> 00:20:27,824
Don't you talk
down to me!
490
00:20:27,826 --> 00:20:29,026
I'm not talking
down to you,
491
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:30,060
you're just being stupid!
492
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,494
Oh, now I'm being stupid, huh?
493
00:20:31,496 --> 00:20:33,297
But I'm smart enough
to bring home the paycheck.
494
00:20:33,299 --> 00:20:34,697
Oh!
495
00:20:34,699 --> 00:20:36,099
Oh, that's
a great shot!
496
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:37,134
She got him there!
497
00:20:37,136 --> 00:20:39,436
Oh! Oh!
498
00:20:39,438 --> 00:20:41,538
There it is. There it is!
499
00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:43,273
Now it's out in the open,
isn't it?
500
00:20:43,275 --> 00:20:45,508
That's what's
really bugging you, isn't it?
501
00:20:45,510 --> 00:20:47,311
You want to be the man
of the family.
502
00:20:47,313 --> 00:20:48,578
You want to be the man?
503
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:50,780
All right, let's go all the way.
Take my pants!
504
00:20:50,782 --> 00:20:52,749
Leave them
pants on!
505
00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:54,952
Well, I didn't say that.
I didn't say anything like that.
506
00:20:54,954 --> 00:20:56,453
Here come the pants!
507
00:20:56,455 --> 00:20:57,854
[EDITH SQUEALS]
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
508
00:20:57,856 --> 00:20:59,256
Michael, what are
you so uptight about?
509
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,891
Are you afraid you lost
your pants already?
510
00:21:01,893 --> 00:21:03,893
If they're lost, I didn't
lose them. You took 'em!
511
00:21:03,895 --> 00:21:05,095
And what kind of a man
512
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:06,830
lets his pants
be taken away from him?
513
00:21:06,832 --> 00:21:09,032
Oh, are you saying what
I think you're trying to say?
514
00:21:09,034 --> 00:21:10,133
I'm trying to find out
515
00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:11,335
exactly what you're
trying to say!
516
00:21:11,337 --> 00:21:12,336
I'm saying
take my pants!
517
00:21:12,338 --> 00:21:13,337
I don't want 'em!
518
00:21:13,339 --> 00:21:15,839
I say stop it!
519
00:21:15,841 --> 00:21:17,607
You two sit over there.
520
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:18,942
Go on.
521
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:20,344
Sit down and listen
to your mother.
522
00:21:20,346 --> 00:21:21,378
And you listen too.
523
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:22,479
[GRUMBLING]
All right.
524
00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:24,381
Well, hurry up,
will you? I'm tired.
525
00:21:26,951 --> 00:21:27,951
Now...
526
00:21:27,953 --> 00:21:31,054
When I was a little girl,
527
00:21:31,056 --> 00:21:35,459
my mother and father got
into a terrible fight
528
00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:39,229
that started just because
there wasn't enough maple syrup
529
00:21:39,231 --> 00:21:41,198
for my father's pancakes.
530
00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:42,732
Ma, what we're
arguing about here
531
00:21:42,734 --> 00:21:44,701
is a little bit more
important than maple syrup.
532
00:21:44,703 --> 00:21:48,472
Just a minute. I ain't finished.
533
00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:53,110
They didn't talk to each other
for three whole weeks,
534
00:21:53,112 --> 00:21:55,479
and even after they made up,
535
00:21:55,481 --> 00:21:59,249
things was never the same
between them.
536
00:21:59,251 --> 00:22:02,552
So before you two start
saying things to each other
537
00:22:02,554 --> 00:22:04,921
that you'll never take back,
538
00:22:04,923 --> 00:22:10,127
stop and think how much
you really mean to each other.
539
00:22:11,795 --> 00:22:13,530
Now, I know maple syrup
540
00:22:13,532 --> 00:22:15,499
is just a little thing,
541
00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:19,436
but would you rather break up
over something bigger?
542
00:22:23,541 --> 00:22:24,807
Gloria...
Michael...
543
00:22:26,544 --> 00:22:28,478
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
544
00:22:30,581 --> 00:22:31,981
Wanna go upstairs?
545
00:22:31,983 --> 00:22:33,550
Yeah.
546
00:22:38,756 --> 00:22:39,656
Ma...
547
00:22:42,726 --> 00:22:45,895
I'm sorry
I called you a nothing.
548
00:22:45,897 --> 00:22:48,365
You're really something.
549
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,768
Oh... thanks, Gloria.
550
00:22:53,071 --> 00:22:55,272
Happy birthday.
551
00:22:55,274 --> 00:22:56,373
Oh...
552
00:22:58,776 --> 00:23:00,510
Thank you, Ma. Good night.
553
00:23:05,383 --> 00:23:07,250
Archie,
did you hear that?
554
00:23:07,252 --> 00:23:09,719
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
555
00:23:11,589 --> 00:23:13,790
Do you think I'm something?
556
00:23:19,630 --> 00:23:22,499
You, Edith, are something else.
557
00:23:25,169 --> 00:23:26,470
[GIGGLES]
558
00:23:31,109 --> 00:23:33,876
Archie,
it's 3:00 in the morning.
559
00:23:33,878 --> 00:23:35,445
We better get to bed.
560
00:23:35,447 --> 00:23:36,813
You ain't kidding.
561
00:23:36,815 --> 00:23:38,248
Hey, hold it there.
Edith, hold it.
562
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:40,049
Yeah?
563
00:23:40,051 --> 00:23:42,352
You know, uh,
that was very nice,
564
00:23:42,354 --> 00:23:44,087
that little story
you told the kids
565
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:45,122
about your mother
and father,
566
00:23:45,124 --> 00:23:46,689
syrup and all,
you know.
567
00:23:46,691 --> 00:23:47,690
Made them think.
568
00:23:47,692 --> 00:23:49,692
I'm glad it helped.
569
00:23:49,694 --> 00:23:52,061
Yeah. Made me think too.
570
00:23:52,063 --> 00:23:53,930
That's nice.
571
00:23:53,932 --> 00:23:56,266
Made me think
about pancakes and syrup.
572
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:57,134
Get me some.
573
00:24:17,721 --> 00:24:20,524
[♪]
574
00:24:20,526 --> 00:24:24,494
ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
575
00:24:24,544 --> 00:24:29,094
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