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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,670 ♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪ 2 00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340 ♪ Songs that made The Hit Parade ♪ 3 00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011 ♪ Guys like us We had it made ♪ 4 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280 ♪ Those were the days ♪ 5 00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:20,284 ♪ And you knew Where you were then ♪ 6 00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:23,622 ♪ Girls were girls And men were men ♪ 7 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,394 ♪ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ♪ 8 00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:32,363 ♪ Didn't need No welfare state ♪ 9 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:36,534 ♪ Everybody pulled His weight ♪ 10 00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:40,872 ♪ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ♪ 11 00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:46,678 ♪ Those were the days ♪ 12 00:00:54,553 --> 00:00:56,121 Ma, would you zip me up, please? 13 00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:57,122 It's stuck. 14 00:00:57,124 --> 00:00:58,123 Oh, sure, Gloria. 15 00:00:58,125 --> 00:00:59,524 Hi. 16 00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:00,925 Michael, you're late. Where have you been? 17 00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:02,593 Never mind. You got to get dressed. 18 00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,362 I am dressed. 19 00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:05,964 We're going to the ballet. 20 00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:08,299 So what? What do you want me to wear, a leotard? 21 00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,969 Michael, will you hurry up and get dressed? 22 00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,671 Ma, wouldn't you know it? 23 00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,873 The one night that we have tickets to the ballet, 24 00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,074 and he's got to be late. 25 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,075 Where's my purse? 26 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,076 Oh, there it is. 27 00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,310 Hold still, Gloria. 28 00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:21,012 Oh, I'm sorry, Ma. 29 00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:22,013 There. 30 00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,014 Thank you. [TIMER RINGS] 31 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,249 Oh, there's my Cupid's Delight. 32 00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,584 Your what? 33 00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:29,220 My Cupid's Delight. 34 00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:33,658 It's a new pie recipe I found in a magazine. 35 00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:34,659 Oh! 36 00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:36,627 How do you like it so far? 37 00:01:39,198 --> 00:01:40,398 It's a nice crust, Ma. 38 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,266 What are you going to put in it? 39 00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:44,769 Oh, I'm going to put in spiced apples 40 00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,972 and spiced peaches and spiced raisins. 41 00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:51,642 I hope it won't be too spicy for them. 42 00:01:51,644 --> 00:01:54,012 Them? Are you expecting company tonight? 43 00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:55,747 Oh, no, not tonight. 44 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:59,984 Tomorrow night, we have very special company. 45 00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:03,254 Mr. and Mrs. Rempley. 46 00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:05,156 They're coming over tomorrow night 47 00:02:05,158 --> 00:02:06,858 for dessert and coffee. 48 00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,327 That's why I'm making the pie. 49 00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:11,930 Mr. and Mrs. Rempley... 50 00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,098 Have I ever met them? 51 00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,266 No. Neither have I. 52 00:02:16,802 --> 00:02:18,569 I don't understand. 53 00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:20,304 We're pen pals. 54 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,707 Ma, you got pen pals? 55 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,175 I didn't know that. 56 00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:25,243 From what country? 57 00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:27,078 Oh, they ain't from any country. 58 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,013 They're from New Jersey. 59 00:02:31,450 --> 00:02:35,486 They were in this Now Family magazine. 60 00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:38,389 See? I found it on the subway. 61 00:02:38,391 --> 00:02:42,526 And right here, see, in the "swap" section, 62 00:02:42,528 --> 00:02:46,564 where they swap unusual things, you know, 63 00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:49,234 and, well, here, 64 00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:52,670 this is really an unusual ad. 65 00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,939 "Swap Section: 66 00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:58,376 "Mature, lonely couple seeking new friends. 67 00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:00,245 "Warm, affectionate, fun-loving. 68 00:03:03,048 --> 00:03:06,885 "Looking for company of lonely but compatible couple 69 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,187 who want to swap good times." 70 00:03:14,359 --> 00:03:15,660 Ain't that sweet? 71 00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,695 People instead of things. 72 00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:21,266 And you answered this ad? 73 00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:24,368 Oh, yeah, and just this morning, 74 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:26,604 I got a letter back from the wife, 75 00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:28,406 Mrs. Ruth Rempley, 76 00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:30,942 and she sounds just like the ad, 77 00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:34,378 affectionate and warm and fun-loving. 78 00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:37,215 Ma, what would make you write to these people? 79 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,683 Well, Gloria, 80 00:03:38,685 --> 00:03:41,953 since you started working, there's nobody to talk to, 81 00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:44,989 and I thought it'd be nice to have somebody to write to. 82 00:03:44,991 --> 00:03:46,791 But, Ma, I don't think that these are-- 83 00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,326 Come on, Gloria. I'm ready. 84 00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,928 Wait a minute, Michael. We can't go yet. 85 00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:50,929 You see, Ma-- 86 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,030 Gloria, come on. 87 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,231 You hurried me to get dressed. 88 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,232 Let's go. 89 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,599 Uh, Michael, 90 00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:57,468 Ma's having special company over 91 00:03:57,470 --> 00:03:58,803 tomorrow night. 92 00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:00,238 Yeah. 93 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,907 Great. Come on. 94 00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,642 Michael, you got to read this. 95 00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:05,776 Gloria, I'll read it later. 96 00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:07,445 These tickets cost seven bucks. 97 00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:10,648 But Michael, this is Ma's special company. 98 00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:12,150 Read it. 99 00:04:15,187 --> 00:04:16,321 "Swap Section: 100 00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:17,956 Mature, lonely couple seeking..." 101 00:04:36,141 --> 00:04:37,441 Good night, Ma. 102 00:04:38,944 --> 00:04:41,746 Wait a minute, Michael. We can't go now. 103 00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:42,813 I know. 104 00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:44,415 Well, then you think it's what I think? 105 00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:46,017 Sure, Gloria, what else is there to think? 106 00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,018 Look at this magazine. 107 00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,453 Look at the articles they have here. 108 00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:53,091 "Silk Sheets Saved Our Marriage." 109 00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,360 "Mirror, Mirror on the Ceiling." 110 00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:56,527 Look at that. 111 00:04:56,529 --> 00:04:59,163 Michael, you got to go right in there and tell her. 112 00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:01,732 Why me? You're her daughter. 113 00:05:01,734 --> 00:05:03,334 Besides, how am I going to explain wife-swapping 114 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:04,735 to your mother? 115 00:05:04,737 --> 00:05:07,272 Well, just tell her in plain simple English. 116 00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:09,640 Well, you tell her in... that English. 117 00:05:11,076 --> 00:05:13,011 But Michael, you're the man. So what? 118 00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:16,915 You know just as much about sex as I do. More! 119 00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:17,916 More? 120 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,117 I don't know. 121 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,919 Oh, come on, Michael. We'll tell her together. 122 00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:21,920 All right. 123 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,121 Only you start. 124 00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,255 Huh? Yeah, all right. 125 00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:26,257 But if I get stuck, you help me. Okay. 126 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,425 Ma? 127 00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:28,592 Oh, did you forget something? 128 00:05:28,594 --> 00:05:30,395 No, no, Ma. We're in kind of a hurry, 129 00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:31,529 so Michael's got something 130 00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:32,630 he has to tell you. 131 00:05:32,632 --> 00:05:34,365 Look, Ma... 132 00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,967 I'm stuck. 133 00:05:37,736 --> 00:05:40,371 Ma, this couple in the ad, 134 00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:42,840 you think they're just looking for friendship, don't you? 135 00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:43,841 Yeah. 136 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,476 Yeah, well, they're looking 137 00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:46,877 for more than friendship. 138 00:05:46,879 --> 00:05:48,846 A special kind of friendship. 139 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,181 Oh. 140 00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,716 Well, I hope I don't disappoint them. 141 00:05:55,787 --> 00:05:59,958 Ma, you got to tell the Rempleys not to come. 142 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,359 Why? 143 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,693 Ma, trust me. 144 00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:04,495 This can't be explained in a couple of minutes, 145 00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:05,696 and we really have to run. 146 00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,098 We'll explain it tomorrow. 147 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,100 Just give me their number. I'll call them and cancel. 148 00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,835 EDITH: But Mike... Ma, trust me. 149 00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:13,637 Well, I don't have their phone number. 150 00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:15,306 I just got their address-- 151 00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:16,341 That's fine, that's fine. 152 00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,576 I'll send them a telegram. 153 00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:20,411 I don't understand. 154 00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:25,016 Ma, you didn't really read this magazine, did you? 155 00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:26,917 Well, just the recipes. 156 00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:30,388 See? "50 Recipes for Swingers." 157 00:06:32,924 --> 00:06:34,425 Ma, does Daddy know 158 00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:35,726 they're coming over tomorrow night? 159 00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,962 No. I'm going to tell him tonight. 160 00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,497 I don't understand 161 00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:41,499 how you could invite two strangers over 162 00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:43,001 without even asking Daddy. 163 00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,702 Well, I didn't invite them. 164 00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:46,604 It was their idea. 165 00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:49,173 You see, I got their letter this morning, 166 00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:51,909 and they just want to drop in tomorrow. 167 00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,044 MICHAEL: Damn it, damn it! 168 00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,979 Damn it! I don't believe this. 169 00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,080 Come on, will you? 170 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:57,915 What is it, Michael? What's wrong? 171 00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,917 By the time you get Western Union on the phone, 172 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,285 you can drop dead. 173 00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:03,054 Uh, no, no, not you. 174 00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,889 Uh, look, I-- I'd like to send a telegram 175 00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:07,058 to a Mr. Curtis Rempley at, uh-- [DOOR OPENS] 176 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,159 Hold on. 177 00:07:17,169 --> 00:07:20,704 Well, if youse are all waiting for instructions, here they are: 178 00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:23,941 When a man comes home after a hard day at work, 179 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:27,345 somebody says "Hello." 180 00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:29,113 ALL: Hello, Archie. 181 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:32,450 Jeez, kiddies, youse all get a gold star for that. 182 00:07:34,486 --> 00:07:35,819 Look at the face on you. 183 00:07:35,821 --> 00:07:37,021 What's the matter with you? 184 00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:38,022 Nothing. 185 00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:39,123 I'm making a call. 186 00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:46,664 Jeez, I heard of people 187 00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:48,199 talking through their hats before, 188 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:49,567 but I've never seen this. 189 00:07:53,638 --> 00:07:57,942 Daddy, um, Michael's making a personal call. 190 00:07:57,944 --> 00:07:59,143 I can see that. 191 00:08:01,713 --> 00:08:03,114 Uh, uh, hold on just a second. 192 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,582 I'll be right with you. 193 00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:06,750 Uh, so we'd like a little privacy, please. 194 00:08:06,752 --> 00:08:09,687 Oh, you'd like "a little privacy, please," huh? 195 00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:11,255 Yeah, all right. 196 00:08:11,257 --> 00:08:12,490 Edith, into the kitchen, huh? 197 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,792 Let me tell youse all something around here. 198 00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:16,127 Any phone call 199 00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:17,761 that I ain't allowed to listen to, 200 00:08:17,763 --> 00:08:18,829 I ain't paying for. 201 00:08:20,599 --> 00:08:22,500 Did you have a nice day? 202 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,702 Never mind my nice day, Edith. 203 00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:26,204 What's this all about here? 204 00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:29,273 Oh, well, I don't know. 205 00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:30,874 I won't know until tomorrow. 206 00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:35,379 Edith, you know, you better keep a sharp lookout. 207 00:08:36,681 --> 00:08:37,748 What for? 208 00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,950 For the dingbat catcher, Edith. 209 00:08:42,588 --> 00:08:44,188 Because one of these days, 210 00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,857 he's going to come around and throw a net over you. 211 00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:47,891 Archie, don't go... 212 00:08:47,893 --> 00:08:49,427 Yeah, yeah. 213 00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,829 Uh, that's all right, thank you. Goodbye. 214 00:08:53,398 --> 00:08:55,699 Well, Ma, you don't have to worry about a thing. 215 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:56,867 Everything's taken care of. 216 00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:58,169 Well, we got to get going. 217 00:08:58,171 --> 00:08:59,937 Uh, yeah, good night. 218 00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:02,106 Well, have a nice time. 219 00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:03,107 Oh... 220 00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:04,475 [MOUTHS WORDS] Thank you. 221 00:09:05,810 --> 00:09:08,579 Where are they going tonight? 222 00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,749 Oh, they're going to see the Russian ballet. 223 00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:14,084 Oh, jeez, wouldn't you know? 224 00:09:14,086 --> 00:09:16,654 Wasting money to see some Communist fruit 225 00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:18,523 leaping around in his pantyhose. 226 00:09:21,493 --> 00:09:23,561 You call that entertainment for Americans? 227 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,264 Well, they've been on Ed Sullivan's show 228 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,398 lots of times. 229 00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,899 Well, let me tell you something. 230 00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:31,235 If Sullivan had stuck to the tap dancers, 231 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:33,638 he'd still be on TV. 232 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,173 I'm going up to the reading room, Edith. 233 00:09:39,545 --> 00:09:41,712 I'll get your dinner. 234 00:09:41,714 --> 00:09:42,713 [DOORBELL RINGS] 235 00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:43,847 Oh, I'll get it. 236 00:09:47,986 --> 00:09:50,321 BOTH: Here we are! 237 00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,922 Howdy! 238 00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,757 You must be Edith. 239 00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,593 Well, yeah, but who are you? 240 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,562 The Rempleys. Ruth and Curtis. 241 00:09:57,564 --> 00:10:02,099 Oh, Curtis, doesn't she look exactly like her letter? 242 00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:04,635 Oh, even better in person. 243 00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:08,005 Like I always say, Ruthie, trust that first impression. 244 00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:10,107 And I can tell you this right now-- 245 00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,509 I like this woman. 246 00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,644 Oh, I like her. 247 00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:18,583 Now, Edith, you be honest. 248 00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,784 Now that you've seen us, what do you think? 249 00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,886 ARCHIE: Who you talking to down there, Edith? 250 00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:24,622 Oh, nobody, Archie. 251 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:29,427 Just go right on with your reading. 252 00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:32,230 I-- I wasn't expecting you. 253 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:35,399 Your letter said you was coming tomorrow night. 254 00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:38,035 Oh, but I wrote the letter yesterday, 255 00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:40,705 so when I said tomorrow, I meant today. 256 00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:43,807 But I read the letter today. 257 00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:46,310 And when you read "tomorrow" today, 258 00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:48,011 "tomorrow" is tomorrow. 259 00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:55,119 She's got you there, Ruthie, huh? 260 00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:57,455 Oh, you are precious. 261 00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:58,589 EDITH: Oh, thank you. 262 00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,758 Uh, when am I going to meet Archie? 263 00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,093 [TOILET FLUSHES] 264 00:11:10,201 --> 00:11:13,304 Well, Ruthie, it won't be long now. 265 00:11:23,748 --> 00:11:26,450 Well, there he is. 266 00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:29,386 Did you finish your book? 267 00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:32,856 Archie, this is Mr. and Mrs. Rempley. 268 00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:35,259 Could I see you in the kitchen for a minute? 269 00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,460 Would you excuse us? 270 00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:38,862 RUTH: Oh sure, you go right ahead, 271 00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:39,930 but remember now, 272 00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:41,798 while you're out there talking about us, 273 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,767 we're going to be in here talking about you. 274 00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:49,507 Arch? 275 00:11:50,808 --> 00:11:52,909 CURTIS: Hey, that's some catch. 276 00:11:52,911 --> 00:11:53,910 You got quick hands. 277 00:11:53,912 --> 00:11:55,078 Did you ever play ball? 278 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,314 Uh, well, yeah, I used to pitch a little. 279 00:11:57,316 --> 00:11:58,349 What's this? 280 00:11:58,351 --> 00:11:59,883 Well, open it and see. 281 00:12:02,787 --> 00:12:03,954 Get in there. 282 00:12:08,593 --> 00:12:10,093 Well, Ruthie, what do you think? 283 00:12:10,095 --> 00:12:12,029 Gee, I don't know. They're certainly different. 284 00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:13,897 That Edith seems so timid. 285 00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:15,432 Oh, that's just on the outside. 286 00:12:15,434 --> 00:12:20,837 Trust my first impression. Inside, she's a wildcat. 287 00:12:20,839 --> 00:12:23,474 I know they're the Rempleys. You told me. 288 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,875 But what's the story on them? 289 00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:27,444 Well, which story do you want? 290 00:12:27,446 --> 00:12:31,782 Why they're here or why they shouldn't be here? 291 00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,384 Why they're here. 292 00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,386 I could tell you why they shouldn't be here. 293 00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,087 Oh, would you tell me, 294 00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:39,490 because I won't know till tomorrow. 295 00:12:43,261 --> 00:12:44,995 Never mind tomorrow. 296 00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:47,464 I want them out of here tonight. 297 00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:51,068 They only came over for pie and coffee, 298 00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:54,738 and there ain't no pie, so it won't take long. 299 00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:56,807 You'll make it even shorter than that. 300 00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:58,742 You got any Dixie cups in the house? 301 00:12:58,744 --> 00:12:59,943 Yeah. 302 00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:03,247 All right, give them two coffees to go. 303 00:13:06,618 --> 00:13:09,286 Wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold it. 304 00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,322 Look at this here, Edith. 305 00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:12,356 Look at this. 306 00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:16,026 Gold Label Crystal cigars, 307 00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:17,894 each one in its own test tube. 308 00:13:20,131 --> 00:13:22,165 These cost around a buck apiece. 309 00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:23,800 What's taking them so long? 310 00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:25,336 I hate waiting around like this. 311 00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:27,003 It could be their first time. 312 00:13:27,005 --> 00:13:28,905 I think they're novices. 313 00:13:28,907 --> 00:13:30,107 Then I'm going to call them. 314 00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:31,308 Oh, no, Curtis, don't do that. 315 00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,576 You'll only scare them. 316 00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:35,045 Come on, I think they need encouragement. 317 00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:37,047 Oh, there they are. 318 00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:38,115 We thought maybe 319 00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:39,650 you snuck out the back door. 320 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:42,419 Oh, no, we was just hanging around the stove. 321 00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:45,256 What are these for? 322 00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,457 Well, Edith said in the letter 323 00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,758 that you like a good smoke. 324 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,826 Oh, yeah, certainly do, but, I mean, 325 00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:51,762 these must have cost you 11, 12 bucks. 326 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,497 Oh, well, Curtis always says, 327 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,065 "If you're going to give a present, 328 00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:56,400 give a present." 329 00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:57,668 Now, come here, Edith dear. 330 00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,471 You mustn't think we've forgotten you. 331 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:04,007 I-- I just hope you like perfume. 332 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:05,909 Oh, my! 333 00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:07,911 Archie, look. 334 00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,513 [GASPS] 335 00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:12,483 Chanel N°5. 336 00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:15,786 That's their highest number. 337 00:14:18,523 --> 00:14:20,291 Oh, thank you. 338 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,325 CURTIS: Well, come on, everybody. 339 00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:22,393 Let's sit down. 340 00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,827 Yeah, yeah, let's sit down. 341 00:14:23,829 --> 00:14:25,562 This has got to be yours. 342 00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:27,398 The master's chair, huh? 343 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,399 Yeah, that's right. 344 00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,466 This is the what-do-you-call, 345 00:14:29,468 --> 00:14:30,534 the master's chair here. 346 00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:31,935 Edith, don't be standing there. 347 00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:34,104 Go sit on the couch. Oh, yeah. 348 00:14:35,106 --> 00:14:35,972 Great. 349 00:14:40,745 --> 00:14:42,279 These are beautiful cigars. 350 00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:43,280 Well, light up, Arch. 351 00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:44,481 Yeah, I'm going to do that. 352 00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:45,882 Would you like one of them yourself? 353 00:14:45,884 --> 00:14:47,318 Oh, no, no, I don't smoke. 354 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,652 Oh, maybe you'd like to drink 355 00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:50,954 a little Fleischmann's and ginger, very smooth? 356 00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:54,491 No, no, we don't drink. It dulls the senses. 357 00:14:54,493 --> 00:14:56,126 ARCHIE: Oh, yeah. 358 00:14:58,095 --> 00:15:00,197 Funny, it just has the opposite effect on me. 359 00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:02,700 A couple of belts and I'm raring to go. 360 00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:05,436 Then have a few, by all means. 361 00:15:11,376 --> 00:15:13,410 Can I, uh, can I get you one? 362 00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,511 I don't need it. 363 00:15:16,314 --> 00:15:19,316 Oh, well, then I'll wait too. 364 00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:21,518 Jeez, youse don't smoke, youse don't drink. 365 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:22,720 What do youse do for fun? 366 00:15:41,906 --> 00:15:43,273 Oh, but seriously now, 367 00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:46,543 I've got to tell you something about Curtis and me. 368 00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:48,479 We're trophy winners. 369 00:15:50,248 --> 00:15:53,617 Harvest Moon dance contest, foxtrot division. 370 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:54,852 ARCHIE: Oh... 371 00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:57,287 You mean you got your pictures 372 00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:59,990 in the Daily News and everything? 373 00:15:59,992 --> 00:16:02,559 That's right, and as a matter of fact, 374 00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:05,228 I just happen to have our music with us. 375 00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:06,229 Oh... 376 00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:08,131 Come on, Curtis, let's show them. 377 00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:12,002 [TAPE DECK PLAYING "I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE"] 378 00:16:33,591 --> 00:16:36,293 Oh, that's lovely. 379 00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,595 Well, come on in, you two. 380 00:16:38,597 --> 00:16:39,996 The water's fine. 381 00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:42,866 Oh, you want to, Archie? 382 00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,301 Well, I don't compete with the pros, 383 00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:45,502 but there's a couple of tricks 384 00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:46,470 I ain't forgot. 385 00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:59,683 Oh, I love that music. 386 00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:00,818 It's Jackie Gleason's 387 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,053 "Music for Lovers Only." 388 00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:04,287 That Jackie Gleason, 389 00:17:04,289 --> 00:17:06,890 he knows more about love than anybody. 390 00:17:09,794 --> 00:17:10,794 All right, everybody, 391 00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:12,496 hold it, hold it! 392 00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:14,397 Ready, set, switch! 393 00:17:16,801 --> 00:17:17,801 [DOORBELL RINGS] 394 00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:19,336 Oh, I'll get it. 395 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,608 Oh, hi, Louise. Come in. 396 00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:25,976 Oh, I'm sorry. 397 00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:27,711 I didn't know you had company. 398 00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,113 No, come on in. The more, the merrier. 399 00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,583 Curtis Rempley at your service. 400 00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,852 Uh, I just came to borrow your casserole dish, 401 00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:35,953 but it can wait. 402 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,087 Oh, no, that's all right. 403 00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:39,055 Go right on in the kitchen. 404 00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:49,566 What did that man mean, "the more, the merrier"? 405 00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,434 Oh, he's just very friendly. 406 00:17:51,436 --> 00:17:52,636 So is his wife. 407 00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:54,771 I found them through an ad. 408 00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:56,272 An ad? 409 00:17:56,274 --> 00:17:58,942 Yeah, in this Now Family magazine, 410 00:17:58,944 --> 00:18:01,144 in the "swap" section here. 411 00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,313 You read it. I'll get the casserole. 412 00:18:10,454 --> 00:18:13,356 Uh, Edith, uh... 413 00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:14,958 Do you know those people are... 414 00:18:17,194 --> 00:18:20,263 I can't. 415 00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:21,498 I gotta. 416 00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:24,367 Those people are a couple of swingers! 417 00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:25,502 Oh, I know. 418 00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:26,770 They won a trophy 419 00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:29,406 in the Harvest Moon dance contest. 420 00:18:29,408 --> 00:18:31,575 No, they are wife-swappers. 421 00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:34,144 "Wife-swappers"? What's that? 422 00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:37,147 They're here to change partners, 423 00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:39,950 but not for dancing. 424 00:19:00,504 --> 00:19:03,640 You mean they want Archie and me to-- 425 00:19:07,011 --> 00:19:09,046 Oh, my! 426 00:19:11,415 --> 00:19:13,183 [SHRIEKING] Archie! 427 00:19:13,185 --> 00:19:14,585 I believe this is our dance. 428 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:17,187 Oh, no, I don't want to dance! 429 00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:18,321 Oh, no, no dancing! 430 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,156 Ah, Edith, the guy's an expert. 431 00:19:20,158 --> 00:19:21,391 Maybe you'll learn something. 432 00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:23,760 No! 433 00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:26,262 No, no! I don't want to learn nothing! 434 00:19:26,264 --> 00:19:27,263 Good night! 435 00:19:27,265 --> 00:19:29,766 Oh, no, Louise, don't go! 436 00:19:29,768 --> 00:19:32,469 I don't want to learn nothing either! 437 00:19:40,177 --> 00:19:42,613 All right, picture time! 438 00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,114 Hey, what's that for? 439 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,382 Well, I thought we'd take a couple of pictures before. 440 00:19:46,384 --> 00:19:47,851 Oh. Before what? 441 00:19:50,855 --> 00:19:52,555 You are funny. 442 00:19:52,557 --> 00:19:54,625 Isn't he a riot? 443 00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:57,694 Well, I get off a good one every now and then. 444 00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:00,097 What the hell did I say? 445 00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:01,865 Archie, come here. I wanna show you something. 446 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:02,866 Come here. 447 00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:03,934 This is a picture 448 00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,902 I took last week with some friends. 449 00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:06,903 This one's a little blurred 450 00:20:06,905 --> 00:20:08,271 because we were moving. 451 00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:09,640 I developed it myself. 452 00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,374 Oh. Yeah, let's see. 453 00:20:13,511 --> 00:20:15,445 Hey. 454 00:20:15,447 --> 00:20:16,312 Come here. Come here. 455 00:20:18,883 --> 00:20:20,817 You made a mistake here. 456 00:20:20,819 --> 00:20:22,352 You got one of them stag pictures 457 00:20:22,354 --> 00:20:23,553 mixed up with the regular ones. 458 00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:25,155 You don't want your wife to see that. 459 00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,456 Oh, Ruthie don't mind. 460 00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:27,658 That's her in the picture. 461 00:20:41,139 --> 00:20:43,473 Edith, here. 462 00:20:43,475 --> 00:20:44,708 Let me show you something. 463 00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:46,209 This is one of me. 464 00:20:46,211 --> 00:20:47,210 Hold it! 465 00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:48,645 Whoa! 466 00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:49,780 No! 467 00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:51,214 Put it away! 468 00:20:51,216 --> 00:20:54,851 My wife ain't looking at no part of you! 469 00:20:54,853 --> 00:20:56,586 These are two dirty people here. 470 00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:57,721 CURTIS: What? 471 00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:59,189 RUTH: What are you talking about? 472 00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:02,392 I don't want no creepos, weirdos or sexos in my house. 473 00:21:02,394 --> 00:21:03,660 Come on, get out! 474 00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:04,895 Get out of here. 475 00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:06,429 Take all your junk with you. 476 00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:08,331 Here's your purse, lady. Here's the bag. 477 00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:09,866 Come on, out, out! 478 00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:11,501 Hold it, hold it! 479 00:21:11,503 --> 00:21:13,469 Ruthie and I just want to be friendly. 480 00:21:13,471 --> 00:21:14,871 We made friends all over the country. 481 00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:16,372 Oh, well, go back to them. 482 00:21:16,374 --> 00:21:18,909 You got no friends to make here. 483 00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:20,944 Well, if you feel that way about it, 484 00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:23,880 then why did she answer our ad in the magazine? 485 00:21:23,882 --> 00:21:26,449 Listen, she-- 486 00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:29,686 You answered an ad in a magazine? 487 00:21:29,688 --> 00:21:32,856 It sounded like they needed us. 488 00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:37,360 Of course they needed us, Edith, but for what? 489 00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:38,962 For fun. 490 00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:39,963 We ain't interested 491 00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,431 in no kind of fun like that. 492 00:21:41,433 --> 00:21:43,033 You're looking at a happily married couple here. 493 00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:44,101 Well, you're looking 494 00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:46,203 at a happily married couple here too. 495 00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:47,604 ARCHIE: Aw... 496 00:21:47,606 --> 00:21:49,572 Well, I admit it wasn't always true. 497 00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:50,707 There was a time 498 00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:53,043 when our marriage got a little boring, 499 00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:56,246 a little humdrum, a little... 500 00:21:56,248 --> 00:21:57,848 Tedious. 501 00:21:57,850 --> 00:21:59,682 Well... 502 00:21:59,684 --> 00:22:01,118 Then we discovered swinging. 503 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,720 "Swinging"? Is that what you call it? 504 00:22:03,722 --> 00:22:05,155 Yeah, why? What do you call it? 505 00:22:06,323 --> 00:22:07,791 Communism! 506 00:22:12,496 --> 00:22:13,997 Communism? 507 00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:15,698 You, buddy, 508 00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:17,801 are undermining this nation here! 509 00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:19,435 You're telling me 510 00:22:19,437 --> 00:22:21,537 I'm undermining the nation? 511 00:22:21,539 --> 00:22:23,206 I'll have you know that I attended 512 00:22:23,208 --> 00:22:26,476 the Republican National Convention! 513 00:22:27,711 --> 00:22:30,247 Well, I don't think that's the point. 514 00:22:30,249 --> 00:22:33,616 Edith, maybe you can understand, dear. 515 00:22:33,618 --> 00:22:36,486 You see, our marriage was... 516 00:22:36,488 --> 00:22:37,754 Well, I mean, 517 00:22:37,756 --> 00:22:40,556 it just didn't seem to matter much anymore. 518 00:22:40,558 --> 00:22:43,459 Well, no more than the two cars 519 00:22:43,461 --> 00:22:45,128 or the new washer-dryer 520 00:22:45,130 --> 00:22:48,765 or the stereo set. 521 00:22:48,767 --> 00:22:51,134 We were drowning. 522 00:22:51,136 --> 00:22:53,369 Swinging saved us. 523 00:22:53,371 --> 00:22:58,241 I think I would rather have drowned. 524 00:22:58,243 --> 00:22:59,509 Oh, I'm sorry. 525 00:22:59,511 --> 00:23:00,710 What do you mean you're sorry? 526 00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:02,312 What do you got to be sorry for? 527 00:23:02,314 --> 00:23:03,479 You're right! 528 00:23:03,481 --> 00:23:05,581 I seen enough of youse two. 529 00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:07,417 Now am-scray! 530 00:23:07,419 --> 00:23:10,120 Okay. 531 00:23:10,122 --> 00:23:12,588 To each his own, I suppose. 532 00:23:12,590 --> 00:23:13,890 I'll get your coat, Ruthie. 533 00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:14,757 Mm-hmm. 534 00:23:17,561 --> 00:23:19,129 Well, it's like 535 00:23:19,131 --> 00:23:21,298 that old expression I made up once, 536 00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:22,966 remember, Ruthie? 537 00:23:22,968 --> 00:23:24,634 "I may disagree with what you say, 538 00:23:24,636 --> 00:23:26,169 "but I'll defend with my life 539 00:23:26,171 --> 00:23:27,304 your right to say it." 540 00:23:27,306 --> 00:23:28,404 Oh, yeah. 541 00:23:28,406 --> 00:23:30,440 I remember when you made that up too, 542 00:23:30,442 --> 00:23:32,075 you clever thing. 543 00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:33,076 Isn't he clever? 544 00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:34,077 Huh? 545 00:24:03,107 --> 00:24:06,142 Don't you read no more magazines! 546 00:24:21,158 --> 00:24:22,492 Now, what are you doing? 547 00:24:22,494 --> 00:24:24,127 You ain't going to keep that present. 548 00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:25,461 Oh, no. 549 00:24:25,463 --> 00:24:30,466 I'm going to mail it right back to the Rempleys. 550 00:24:30,468 --> 00:24:33,003 What are you going to do with your present? 551 00:24:33,005 --> 00:24:37,040 I'm going to do worse than mail it back. 552 00:24:37,042 --> 00:24:38,108 I'm going to burn it. 553 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,529 [♪] 554 00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:01,364 ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape 555 00:25:01,366 --> 00:25:03,900 before a live audience. 556 00:25:03,950 --> 00:25:08,500 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37815

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