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1
00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,670
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011
♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:20,284
♪ And you knewWhere you were then ♪
6
00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:23,622
♪ Girls were girlsAnd men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,394
♪ Mister, we could use a manLike Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:32,363
♪ Didn't needNo welfare state ♪
9
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:36,534
♪ Everybody pulledHis weight ♪
10
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:40,872
♪ Gee, our old LaSalleRan great ♪
11
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:46,678
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:54,553 --> 00:00:56,121
Ma, would you
zip me up, please?
13
00:00:56,123 --> 00:00:57,122
It's stuck.
14
00:00:57,124 --> 00:00:58,123
Oh, sure, Gloria.
15
00:00:58,125 --> 00:00:59,524
Hi.
16
00:00:59,526 --> 00:01:00,925
Michael, you're late.
Where have you been?
17
00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:02,593
Never mind.
You got to get dressed.
18
00:01:02,595 --> 00:01:04,362
I am dressed.
19
00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:05,964
We're going to the ballet.
20
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:08,299
So what? What do you
want me to wear, a leotard?
21
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:10,969
Michael, will you hurry up
and get dressed?
22
00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,671
Ma, wouldn't you know it?
23
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:14,873
The one night that we have
tickets to the ballet,
24
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,074
and he's got to be late.
25
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,075
Where's my purse?
26
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,076
Oh, there it is.
27
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,310
Hold still, Gloria.
28
00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:21,012
Oh, I'm sorry, Ma.
29
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:22,013
There.
30
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:23,014
Thank you.
[TIMER RINGS]
31
00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,249
Oh, there's
my Cupid's Delight.
32
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,584
Your what?
33
00:01:26,586 --> 00:01:29,220
My Cupid's Delight.
34
00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:33,658
It's a new pie recipe
I found in a magazine.
35
00:01:33,660 --> 00:01:34,659
Oh!
36
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:36,627
How do you like it
so far?
37
00:01:39,198 --> 00:01:40,398
It's a nice crust, Ma.
38
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,266
What are you
going to put in it?
39
00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:44,769
Oh, I'm going to put in
spiced apples
40
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,972
and spiced peaches
and spiced raisins.
41
00:01:47,974 --> 00:01:51,642
I hope it won't be
too spicy for them.
42
00:01:51,644 --> 00:01:54,012
Them? Are you expecting
company tonight?
43
00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:55,747
Oh, no, not tonight.
44
00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:59,984
Tomorrow night, we have
very special company.
45
00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:03,254
Mr. and Mrs. Rempley.
46
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:05,156
They're coming over
tomorrow night
47
00:02:05,158 --> 00:02:06,858
for dessert and coffee.
48
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:09,327
That's why
I'm making the pie.
49
00:02:09,329 --> 00:02:11,930
Mr. and Mrs. Rempley...
50
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,098
Have I ever met them?
51
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:15,266
No. Neither have I.
52
00:02:16,802 --> 00:02:18,569
I don't understand.
53
00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:20,304
We're pen pals.
54
00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:22,707
Ma, you got pen pals?
55
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:24,175
I didn't know that.
56
00:02:24,177 --> 00:02:25,243
From what country?
57
00:02:25,245 --> 00:02:27,078
Oh, they ain't from any country.
58
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,013
They're from New Jersey.
59
00:02:31,450 --> 00:02:35,486
They were in this
Now Family magazine.
60
00:02:35,488 --> 00:02:38,389
See? I found it
on the subway.
61
00:02:38,391 --> 00:02:42,526
And right here, see,
in the "swap" section,
62
00:02:42,528 --> 00:02:46,564
where they swap
unusual things, you know,
63
00:02:46,566 --> 00:02:49,234
and, well, here,
64
00:02:49,236 --> 00:02:52,670
this is really
an unusual ad.
65
00:02:52,672 --> 00:02:54,939
"Swap Section:
66
00:02:54,941 --> 00:02:58,376
"Mature, lonely couple
seeking new friends.
67
00:02:58,378 --> 00:03:00,245
"Warm, affectionate, fun-loving.
68
00:03:03,048 --> 00:03:06,885
"Looking for company of
lonely but compatible couple
69
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:09,187
who want to swap good times."
70
00:03:14,359 --> 00:03:15,660
Ain't that sweet?
71
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,695
People instead of things.
72
00:03:19,398 --> 00:03:21,266
And you answered
this ad?
73
00:03:21,268 --> 00:03:24,368
Oh, yeah,
and just this morning,
74
00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:26,604
I got a letter back
from the wife,
75
00:03:26,606 --> 00:03:28,406
Mrs. Ruth Rempley,
76
00:03:28,408 --> 00:03:30,942
and she sounds
just like the ad,
77
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:34,378
affectionate and warm
and fun-loving.
78
00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:37,215
Ma, what would make you
write to these people?
79
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,683
Well, Gloria,
80
00:03:38,685 --> 00:03:41,953
since you started working,
there's nobody to talk to,
81
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:44,989
and I thought it'd be nice
to have somebody to write to.
82
00:03:44,991 --> 00:03:46,791
But, Ma, I don't think
that these are--
83
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,326
Come on, Gloria. I'm ready.
84
00:03:48,328 --> 00:03:49,928
Wait a minute, Michael.
We can't go yet.
85
00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:50,929
You see, Ma--
86
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,030
Gloria, come on.
87
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,231
You hurried me
to get dressed.
88
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,232
Let's go.
89
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,599
Uh, Michael,
90
00:03:55,601 --> 00:03:57,468
Ma's having
special company over
91
00:03:57,470 --> 00:03:58,803
tomorrow night.
92
00:03:58,805 --> 00:04:00,238
Yeah.
93
00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,907
Great. Come on.
94
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,642
Michael, you got
to read this.
95
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:05,776
Gloria,
I'll read it later.
96
00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:07,445
These tickets cost
seven bucks.
97
00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:10,648
But Michael, this is
Ma's special company.
98
00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:12,150
Read it.
99
00:04:15,187 --> 00:04:16,321
"Swap Section:
100
00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:17,956
Mature, lonely
couple seeking..."
101
00:04:36,141 --> 00:04:37,441
Good night, Ma.
102
00:04:38,944 --> 00:04:41,746
Wait a minute, Michael.
We can't go now.
103
00:04:41,748 --> 00:04:42,813
I know.
104
00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:44,415
Well, then you think
it's what I think?
105
00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:46,017
Sure, Gloria, what else
is there to think?
106
00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,018
Look at this magazine.
107
00:04:47,020 --> 00:04:49,453
Look at the articles
they have here.
108
00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:53,091
"Silk Sheets Saved
Our Marriage."
109
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,360
"Mirror, Mirror on the Ceiling."
110
00:04:55,362 --> 00:04:56,527
Look at that.
111
00:04:56,529 --> 00:04:59,163
Michael, you got to go
right in there and tell her.
112
00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:01,732
Why me? You're her daughter.
113
00:05:01,734 --> 00:05:03,334
Besides, how am I going
to explain wife-swapping
114
00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:04,735
to your mother?
115
00:05:04,737 --> 00:05:07,272
Well, just tell her
in plain simple English.
116
00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:09,640
Well, you tell her in...
that English.
117
00:05:11,076 --> 00:05:13,011
But Michael, you're the man.
So what?
118
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:16,915
You know just as much
about sex as I do. More!
119
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:17,916
More?
120
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,117
I don't know.
121
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,919
Oh, come on, Michael.
We'll tell her together.
122
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:21,920
All right.
123
00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,121
Only you start.
124
00:05:23,123 --> 00:05:24,255
Huh? Yeah, all right.
125
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:26,257
But if I get stuck,
you help me. Okay.
126
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,425
Ma?
127
00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:28,592
Oh, did you forget
something?
128
00:05:28,594 --> 00:05:30,395
No, no, Ma. We're
in kind of a hurry,
129
00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:31,529
so Michael's got
something
130
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:32,630
he has to
tell you.
131
00:05:32,632 --> 00:05:34,365
Look, Ma...
132
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:35,967
I'm stuck.
133
00:05:37,736 --> 00:05:40,371
Ma, this couple
in the ad,
134
00:05:40,373 --> 00:05:42,840
you think they're just looking
for friendship, don't you?
135
00:05:42,842 --> 00:05:43,841
Yeah.
136
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,476
Yeah, well,
they're looking
137
00:05:45,478 --> 00:05:46,877
for more than
friendship.
138
00:05:46,879 --> 00:05:48,846
A special kind
of friendship.
139
00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,181
Oh.
140
00:05:50,183 --> 00:05:52,716
Well, I hope
I don't disappoint them.
141
00:05:55,787 --> 00:05:59,958
Ma, you got to tell
the Rempleys not to come.
142
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,359
Why?
143
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,693
Ma, trust me.
144
00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:04,495
This can't be explained
in a couple of minutes,
145
00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:05,696
and we really
have to run.
146
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,098
We'll explain it
tomorrow.
147
00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:09,100
Just give me their number.
I'll call them and cancel.
148
00:06:09,102 --> 00:06:10,835
EDITH:
But Mike... Ma, trust me.
149
00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:13,637
Well, I don't have
their phone number.
150
00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:15,306
I just got
their address--
151
00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:16,341
That's fine,
that's fine.
152
00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,576
I'll send them
a telegram.
153
00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:20,411
I don't understand.
154
00:06:20,413 --> 00:06:25,016
Ma, you didn't really read
this magazine, did you?
155
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:26,917
Well, just the recipes.
156
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:30,388
See? "50 Recipes
for Swingers."
157
00:06:32,924 --> 00:06:34,425
Ma, does Daddy know
158
00:06:34,427 --> 00:06:35,726
they're coming over
tomorrow night?
159
00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,962
No. I'm going to tell him
tonight.
160
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:39,497
I don't understand
161
00:06:39,499 --> 00:06:41,499
how you could invite
two strangers over
162
00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:43,001
without even asking Daddy.
163
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:44,702
Well, I didn't invite them.
164
00:06:44,704 --> 00:06:46,604
It was their idea.
165
00:06:46,606 --> 00:06:49,173
You see, I got their letter
this morning,
166
00:06:49,175 --> 00:06:51,909
and they just want
to drop in tomorrow.
167
00:06:51,911 --> 00:06:53,044
MICHAEL:
Damn it, damn it!
168
00:06:53,046 --> 00:06:54,979
Damn it! I don't
believe this.
169
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:56,080
Come on, will you?
170
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:57,915
What is it, Michael?
What's wrong?
171
00:06:57,917 --> 00:06:59,917
By the time you get
Western Union on the phone,
172
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,285
you can drop dead.
173
00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:03,054
Uh, no, no, not you.
174
00:07:03,056 --> 00:07:04,889
Uh, look, I--
I'd like to send a telegram
175
00:07:04,891 --> 00:07:07,058
to a Mr. Curtis Rempley at, uh--
[DOOR OPENS]
176
00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:08,159
Hold on.
177
00:07:17,169 --> 00:07:20,704
Well, if youse are all waiting
for instructions, here they are:
178
00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:23,941
When a man comes home
after a hard day at work,
179
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:27,345
somebody says "Hello."
180
00:07:27,347 --> 00:07:29,113
ALL: Hello, Archie.
181
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:32,450
Jeez, kiddies, youse all get
a gold star for that.
182
00:07:34,486 --> 00:07:35,819
Look at the face
on you.
183
00:07:35,821 --> 00:07:37,021
What's the matter
with you?
184
00:07:37,023 --> 00:07:38,022
Nothing.
185
00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:39,123
I'm making a call.
186
00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:46,664
Jeez, I heard of people
187
00:07:46,666 --> 00:07:48,199
talking through
their hats before,
188
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:49,567
but I've never
seen this.
189
00:07:53,638 --> 00:07:57,942
Daddy, um, Michael's
making a personal call.
190
00:07:57,944 --> 00:07:59,143
I can see that.
191
00:08:01,713 --> 00:08:03,114
Uh, uh, hold on
just a second.
192
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,582
I'll be right
with you.
193
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:06,750
Uh, so we'd like a little
privacy, please.
194
00:08:06,752 --> 00:08:09,687
Oh, you'd like "a little
privacy, please," huh?
195
00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:11,255
Yeah, all right.
196
00:08:11,257 --> 00:08:12,490
Edith, into
the kitchen, huh?
197
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,792
Let me tell youse all something
around here.
198
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:16,127
Any phone call
199
00:08:16,129 --> 00:08:17,761
that I ain't allowed
to listen to,
200
00:08:17,763 --> 00:08:18,829
I ain't paying for.
201
00:08:20,599 --> 00:08:22,500
Did you have
a nice day?
202
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,702
Never mind my nice day, Edith.
203
00:08:24,704 --> 00:08:26,204
What's this all about here?
204
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:29,273
Oh, well, I don't know.
205
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:30,874
I won't know
until tomorrow.
206
00:08:33,512 --> 00:08:35,379
Edith, you know,
you better keep a sharp lookout.
207
00:08:36,681 --> 00:08:37,748
What for?
208
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,950
For the dingbat catcher, Edith.
209
00:08:42,588 --> 00:08:44,188
Because one of these days,
210
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:46,857
he's going to come around
and throw a net over you.
211
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:47,891
Archie, don't go...
212
00:08:47,893 --> 00:08:49,427
Yeah, yeah.
213
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,829
Uh, that's all right,
thank you. Goodbye.
214
00:08:53,398 --> 00:08:55,699
Well, Ma, you don't have
to worry about a thing.
215
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:56,867
Everything's
taken care of.
216
00:08:56,869 --> 00:08:58,169
Well, we got
to get going.
217
00:08:58,171 --> 00:08:59,937
Uh, yeah, good night.
218
00:08:59,939 --> 00:09:02,106
Well, have
a nice time.
219
00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:03,107
Oh...
220
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:04,475
[MOUTHS WORDS]
Thank you.
221
00:09:05,810 --> 00:09:08,579
Where are they going tonight?
222
00:09:08,581 --> 00:09:11,749
Oh, they're going to see
the Russian ballet.
223
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:14,084
Oh, jeez, wouldn't you know?
224
00:09:14,086 --> 00:09:16,654
Wasting money to see
some Communist fruit
225
00:09:16,656 --> 00:09:18,523
leaping around in his pantyhose.
226
00:09:21,493 --> 00:09:23,561
You call that entertainment
for Americans?
227
00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,264
Well, they've been
on Ed Sullivan's show
228
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:27,398
lots of times.
229
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,899
Well, let me tell you something.
230
00:09:28,901 --> 00:09:31,235
If Sullivan had stuck
to the tap dancers,
231
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:33,638
he'd still be on TV.
232
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,173
I'm going up
to the reading room, Edith.
233
00:09:39,545 --> 00:09:41,712
I'll get your dinner.
234
00:09:41,714 --> 00:09:42,713
[DOORBELL RINGS]
235
00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:43,847
Oh, I'll get it.
236
00:09:47,986 --> 00:09:50,321
BOTH: Here we are!
237
00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,922
Howdy!
238
00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:53,757
You must be Edith.
239
00:09:53,759 --> 00:09:55,593
Well, yeah, but who are you?
240
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,562
The Rempleys. Ruth and Curtis.
241
00:09:57,564 --> 00:10:02,099
Oh, Curtis, doesn't she look
exactly like her letter?
242
00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:04,635
Oh, even better in person.
243
00:10:04,637 --> 00:10:08,005
Like I always say, Ruthie,
trust that first impression.
244
00:10:08,007 --> 00:10:10,107
And I can tell you
this right now--
245
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,509
I like this woman.
246
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,644
Oh, I like her.
247
00:10:15,980 --> 00:10:18,583
Now, Edith, you be honest.
248
00:10:18,585 --> 00:10:20,784
Now that you've seen us,
what do you think?
249
00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:22,886
ARCHIE: Who you talking to
down there, Edith?
250
00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:24,622
Oh, nobody, Archie.
251
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:29,427
Just go right on
with your reading.
252
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:32,230
I-- I wasn't
expecting you.
253
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:35,399
Your letter said you was
coming tomorrow night.
254
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:38,035
Oh, but I wrote
the letter yesterday,
255
00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:40,705
so when I said tomorrow,
I meant today.
256
00:10:40,707 --> 00:10:43,807
But I read the letter today.
257
00:10:43,809 --> 00:10:46,310
And when you read
"tomorrow" today,
258
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:48,011
"tomorrow" is tomorrow.
259
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:55,119
She's got you there,
Ruthie, huh?
260
00:10:55,121 --> 00:10:57,455
Oh, you are precious.
261
00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:58,589
EDITH: Oh, thank you.
262
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:00,758
Uh, when am I going
to meet Archie?
263
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,093
[TOILET FLUSHES]
264
00:11:10,201 --> 00:11:13,304
Well, Ruthie,
it won't be long now.
265
00:11:23,748 --> 00:11:26,450
Well,
there he is.
266
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:29,386
Did you finish
your book?
267
00:11:29,388 --> 00:11:32,856
Archie, this is
Mr. and Mrs. Rempley.
268
00:11:32,858 --> 00:11:35,259
Could I see you in
the kitchen for a minute?
269
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:36,460
Would you excuse us?
270
00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:38,862
RUTH: Oh sure,
you go right ahead,
271
00:11:38,864 --> 00:11:39,930
but remember now,
272
00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:41,798
while you're out there
talking about us,
273
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,767
we're going to be in here
talking about you.
274
00:11:48,507 --> 00:11:49,507
Arch?
275
00:11:50,808 --> 00:11:52,909
CURTIS: Hey,
that's some catch.
276
00:11:52,911 --> 00:11:53,910
You got quick hands.
277
00:11:53,912 --> 00:11:55,078
Did you ever play ball?
278
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:57,314
Uh, well, yeah, I used
to pitch a little.
279
00:11:57,316 --> 00:11:58,349
What's this?
280
00:11:58,351 --> 00:11:59,883
Well, open it and see.
281
00:12:02,787 --> 00:12:03,954
Get in there.
282
00:12:08,593 --> 00:12:10,093
Well, Ruthie,
what do you think?
283
00:12:10,095 --> 00:12:12,029
Gee, I don't know.
They're certainly different.
284
00:12:12,031 --> 00:12:13,897
That Edith seems
so timid.
285
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:15,432
Oh, that's just
on the outside.
286
00:12:15,434 --> 00:12:20,837
Trust my first impression.
Inside, she's a wildcat.
287
00:12:20,839 --> 00:12:23,474
I know they're the Rempleys.
You told me.
288
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,875
But what's the story
on them?
289
00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:27,444
Well, which story do you want?
290
00:12:27,446 --> 00:12:31,782
Why they're here
or why they shouldn't be here?
291
00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:33,384
Why they're here.
292
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,386
I could tell you
why they shouldn't be here.
293
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,087
Oh, would you tell me,
294
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:39,490
because I won't know
till tomorrow.
295
00:12:43,261 --> 00:12:44,995
Never mind tomorrow.
296
00:12:44,997 --> 00:12:47,464
I want them out of here
tonight.
297
00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:51,068
They only came over
for pie and coffee,
298
00:12:51,070 --> 00:12:54,738
and there ain't no pie,
so it won't take long.
299
00:12:54,740 --> 00:12:56,807
You'll make it even
shorter than that.
300
00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:58,742
You got any Dixie cups
in the house?
301
00:12:58,744 --> 00:12:59,943
Yeah.
302
00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:03,247
All right, give them
two coffees to go.
303
00:13:06,618 --> 00:13:09,286
Wait a minute,
wait a minute. Hold it.
304
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,322
Look at this here, Edith.
305
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:12,356
Look at this.
306
00:13:12,358 --> 00:13:16,026
Gold Label
Crystal cigars,
307
00:13:16,028 --> 00:13:17,894
each one in
its own test tube.
308
00:13:20,131 --> 00:13:22,165
These cost around
a buck apiece.
309
00:13:22,167 --> 00:13:23,800
What's taking them
so long?
310
00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:25,336
I hate waiting around
like this.
311
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:27,003
It could be
their first time.
312
00:13:27,005 --> 00:13:28,905
I think they're novices.
313
00:13:28,907 --> 00:13:30,107
Then I'm going
to call them.
314
00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:31,308
Oh, no, Curtis,
don't do that.
315
00:13:31,310 --> 00:13:32,576
You'll only scare them.
316
00:13:32,578 --> 00:13:35,045
Come on, I think they
need encouragement.
317
00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:37,047
Oh, there they are.
318
00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:38,115
We thought maybe
319
00:13:38,117 --> 00:13:39,650
you snuck out
the back door.
320
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:42,419
Oh, no, we was just
hanging around the stove.
321
00:13:44,256 --> 00:13:45,256
What are these for?
322
00:13:45,258 --> 00:13:46,457
Well, Edith said
in the letter
323
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:47,758
that you like
a good smoke.
324
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,826
Oh, yeah, certainly do,
but, I mean,
325
00:13:49,828 --> 00:13:51,762
these must have cost
you 11, 12 bucks.
326
00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,497
Oh, well,
Curtis always says,
327
00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,065
"If you're going
to give a present,
328
00:13:55,067 --> 00:13:56,400
give a present."
329
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:57,668
Now, come here,
Edith dear.
330
00:13:57,670 --> 00:14:00,471
You mustn't think
we've forgotten you.
331
00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:04,007
I-- I just hope
you like perfume.
332
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:05,909
Oh, my!
333
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:07,911
Archie, look.
334
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:09,513
[GASPS]
335
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:12,483
Chanel N°5.
336
00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:15,786
That's their
highest number.
337
00:14:18,523 --> 00:14:20,291
Oh, thank you.
338
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:21,325
CURTIS:
Well, come on, everybody.
339
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:22,393
Let's sit down.
340
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,827
Yeah, yeah,
let's sit down.
341
00:14:23,829 --> 00:14:25,562
This has got
to be yours.
342
00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:27,398
The master's
chair, huh?
343
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:28,399
Yeah, that's right.
344
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,466
This is the what-do-you-call,
345
00:14:29,468 --> 00:14:30,534
the master's
chair here.
346
00:14:30,536 --> 00:14:31,935
Edith, don't be
standing there.
347
00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:34,104
Go sit on the couch.
Oh, yeah.
348
00:14:35,106 --> 00:14:35,972
Great.
349
00:14:40,745 --> 00:14:42,279
These are
beautiful cigars.
350
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:43,280
Well, light up, Arch.
351
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:44,481
Yeah, I'm going
to do that.
352
00:14:44,483 --> 00:14:45,882
Would you like
one of them yourself?
353
00:14:45,884 --> 00:14:47,318
Oh, no, no, I don't smoke.
354
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,652
Oh, maybe you'd like to drink
355
00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:50,954
a little Fleischmann's
and ginger, very smooth?
356
00:14:50,956 --> 00:14:54,491
No, no, we don't drink.
It dulls the senses.
357
00:14:54,493 --> 00:14:56,126
ARCHIE: Oh, yeah.
358
00:14:58,095 --> 00:15:00,197
Funny, it just has
the opposite effect on me.
359
00:15:00,199 --> 00:15:02,700
A couple of belts
and I'm raring to go.
360
00:15:02,702 --> 00:15:05,436
Then have a few,
by all means.
361
00:15:11,376 --> 00:15:13,410
Can I, uh,
can I get you one?
362
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:14,511
I don't need it.
363
00:15:16,314 --> 00:15:19,316
Oh, well, then I'll wait too.
364
00:15:19,318 --> 00:15:21,518
Jeez, youse don't smoke,
youse don't drink.
365
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:22,720
What do youse do for fun?
366
00:15:41,906 --> 00:15:43,273
Oh, but seriously now,
367
00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:46,543
I've got to tell you something
about Curtis and me.
368
00:15:46,545 --> 00:15:48,479
We're trophy winners.
369
00:15:50,248 --> 00:15:53,617
Harvest Moon dance contest,
foxtrot division.
370
00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:54,852
ARCHIE:
Oh...
371
00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:57,287
You mean you
got your pictures
372
00:15:57,289 --> 00:15:59,990
in the Daily News
and everything?
373
00:15:59,992 --> 00:16:02,559
That's right,
and as a matter of fact,
374
00:16:02,561 --> 00:16:05,228
I just happen to have
our music with us.
375
00:16:05,230 --> 00:16:06,229
Oh...
376
00:16:06,231 --> 00:16:08,131
Come on, Curtis,
let's show them.
377
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:12,002
[TAPE DECK PLAYING
"I'M IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE"]
378
00:16:33,591 --> 00:16:36,293
Oh, that's lovely.
379
00:16:36,295 --> 00:16:38,595
Well, come on in,
you two.
380
00:16:38,597 --> 00:16:39,996
The water's fine.
381
00:16:39,998 --> 00:16:42,866
Oh, you want to, Archie?
382
00:16:42,868 --> 00:16:44,301
Well, I don't compete
with the pros,
383
00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:45,502
but there's
a couple of tricks
384
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:46,470
I ain't forgot.
385
00:16:56,815 --> 00:16:59,683
Oh, I love
that music.
386
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:00,818
It's Jackie
Gleason's
387
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,053
"Music for
Lovers Only."
388
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:04,287
That Jackie Gleason,
389
00:17:04,289 --> 00:17:06,890
he knows more about
love than anybody.
390
00:17:09,794 --> 00:17:10,794
All right,
everybody,
391
00:17:10,796 --> 00:17:12,496
hold it,
hold it!
392
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:14,397
Ready, set,
switch!
393
00:17:16,801 --> 00:17:17,801
[DOORBELL RINGS]
394
00:17:17,803 --> 00:17:19,336
Oh, I'll get it.
395
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,608
Oh, hi, Louise. Come in.
396
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:25,976
Oh, I'm sorry.
397
00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:27,711
I didn't know
you had company.
398
00:17:27,713 --> 00:17:30,113
No, come on in.
The more, the merrier.
399
00:17:30,115 --> 00:17:32,583
Curtis Rempley
at your service.
400
00:17:32,585 --> 00:17:34,852
Uh, I just came
to borrow your casserole dish,
401
00:17:34,854 --> 00:17:35,953
but it can wait.
402
00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,087
Oh, no, that's
all right.
403
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:39,055
Go right on
in the kitchen.
404
00:17:46,598 --> 00:17:49,566
What did that man mean,
"the more, the merrier"?
405
00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,434
Oh, he's just
very friendly.
406
00:17:51,436 --> 00:17:52,636
So is his wife.
407
00:17:52,638 --> 00:17:54,771
I found them
through an ad.
408
00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:56,272
An ad?
409
00:17:56,274 --> 00:17:58,942
Yeah, in this
Now Family magazine,
410
00:17:58,944 --> 00:18:01,144
in the "swap"
section here.
411
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,313
You read it. I'll get
the casserole.
412
00:18:10,454 --> 00:18:13,356
Uh, Edith, uh...
413
00:18:13,358 --> 00:18:14,958
Do you know
those people are...
414
00:18:17,194 --> 00:18:20,263
I can't.
415
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:21,498
I gotta.
416
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:24,367
Those people
are a couple of swingers!
417
00:18:24,369 --> 00:18:25,502
Oh, I know.
418
00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:26,770
They won a trophy
419
00:18:26,772 --> 00:18:29,406
in the Harvest Moon
dance contest.
420
00:18:29,408 --> 00:18:31,575
No, they are wife-swappers.
421
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:34,144
"Wife-swappers"? What's that?
422
00:18:34,146 --> 00:18:37,147
They're here to change partners,
423
00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:39,950
but not for dancing.
424
00:19:00,504 --> 00:19:03,640
You mean
they want Archie and me to--
425
00:19:07,011 --> 00:19:09,046
Oh, my!
426
00:19:11,415 --> 00:19:13,183
[SHRIEKING]
Archie!
427
00:19:13,185 --> 00:19:14,585
I believe this
is our dance.
428
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:17,187
Oh, no, I don't
want to dance!
429
00:19:17,189 --> 00:19:18,321
Oh, no, no dancing!
430
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:20,156
Ah, Edith,
the guy's an expert.
431
00:19:20,158 --> 00:19:21,391
Maybe you'll
learn something.
432
00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:23,760
No!
433
00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:26,262
No, no! I don't want
to learn nothing!
434
00:19:26,264 --> 00:19:27,263
Good night!
435
00:19:27,265 --> 00:19:29,766
Oh, no, Louise,
don't go!
436
00:19:29,768 --> 00:19:32,469
I don't want to learn
nothing either!
437
00:19:40,177 --> 00:19:42,613
All right,
picture time!
438
00:19:42,615 --> 00:19:44,114
Hey, what's
that for?
439
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,382
Well, I thought we'd take
a couple of pictures before.
440
00:19:46,384 --> 00:19:47,851
Oh. Before what?
441
00:19:50,855 --> 00:19:52,555
You are funny.
442
00:19:52,557 --> 00:19:54,625
Isn't he a riot?
443
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:57,694
Well, I get off a good one
every now and then.
444
00:19:57,696 --> 00:20:00,097
What the hell
did I say?
445
00:20:00,099 --> 00:20:01,865
Archie, come here.
I wanna show you something.
446
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:02,866
Come here.
447
00:20:02,868 --> 00:20:03,934
This is a picture
448
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,902
I took last week
with some friends.
449
00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:06,903
This one's
a little blurred
450
00:20:06,905 --> 00:20:08,271
because we were moving.
451
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:09,640
I developed it myself.
452
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,374
Oh. Yeah, let's see.
453
00:20:13,511 --> 00:20:15,445
Hey.
454
00:20:15,447 --> 00:20:16,312
Come here. Come here.
455
00:20:18,883 --> 00:20:20,817
You made a mistake here.
456
00:20:20,819 --> 00:20:22,352
You got one of them
stag pictures
457
00:20:22,354 --> 00:20:23,553
mixed up with
the regular ones.
458
00:20:23,555 --> 00:20:25,155
You don't want
your wife to see that.
459
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,456
Oh, Ruthie don't mind.
460
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:27,658
That's her
in the picture.
461
00:20:41,139 --> 00:20:43,473
Edith, here.
462
00:20:43,475 --> 00:20:44,708
Let me show you something.
463
00:20:44,710 --> 00:20:46,209
This is one of me.
464
00:20:46,211 --> 00:20:47,210
Hold it!
465
00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:48,645
Whoa!
466
00:20:48,647 --> 00:20:49,780
No!
467
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:51,214
Put it away!
468
00:20:51,216 --> 00:20:54,851
My wife ain't looking
at no part of you!
469
00:20:54,853 --> 00:20:56,586
These are two
dirty people here.
470
00:20:56,588 --> 00:20:57,721
CURTIS: What?
471
00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:59,189
RUTH: What are you
talking about?
472
00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:02,392
I don't want no creepos,
weirdos or sexos in my house.
473
00:21:02,394 --> 00:21:03,660
Come on, get out!
474
00:21:03,662 --> 00:21:04,895
Get out of here.
475
00:21:04,897 --> 00:21:06,429
Take all your junk
with you.
476
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:08,331
Here's your purse, lady.
Here's the bag.
477
00:21:08,333 --> 00:21:09,866
Come on, out, out!
478
00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:11,501
Hold it, hold it!
479
00:21:11,503 --> 00:21:13,469
Ruthie and I just want
to be friendly.
480
00:21:13,471 --> 00:21:14,871
We made friends
all over the country.
481
00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:16,372
Oh, well,
go back to them.
482
00:21:16,374 --> 00:21:18,909
You got no friends
to make here.
483
00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:20,944
Well, if you feel
that way about it,
484
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:23,880
then why did she answer
our ad in the magazine?
485
00:21:23,882 --> 00:21:26,449
Listen, she--
486
00:21:26,451 --> 00:21:29,686
You answered an ad
in a magazine?
487
00:21:29,688 --> 00:21:32,856
It sounded like
they needed us.
488
00:21:32,858 --> 00:21:37,360
Of course they needed us,
Edith, but for what?
489
00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:38,962
For fun.
490
00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:39,963
We ain't interested
491
00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:41,431
in no kind of fun like that.
492
00:21:41,433 --> 00:21:43,033
You're looking at a happily
married couple here.
493
00:21:43,035 --> 00:21:44,101
Well, you're looking
494
00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:46,203
at a happily married
couple here too.
495
00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:47,604
ARCHIE: Aw...
496
00:21:47,606 --> 00:21:49,572
Well, I admit it
wasn't always true.
497
00:21:49,574 --> 00:21:50,707
There was a time
498
00:21:50,709 --> 00:21:53,043
when our marriage
got a little boring,
499
00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:56,246
a little humdrum,
a little...
500
00:21:56,248 --> 00:21:57,848
Tedious.
501
00:21:57,850 --> 00:21:59,682
Well...
502
00:21:59,684 --> 00:22:01,118
Then we discovered
swinging.
503
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,720
"Swinging"? Is that
what you call it?
504
00:22:03,722 --> 00:22:05,155
Yeah, why?
What do you call it?
505
00:22:06,323 --> 00:22:07,791
Communism!
506
00:22:12,496 --> 00:22:13,997
Communism?
507
00:22:13,999 --> 00:22:15,698
You, buddy,
508
00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:17,801
are undermining
this nation here!
509
00:22:17,803 --> 00:22:19,435
You're telling me
510
00:22:19,437 --> 00:22:21,537
I'm undermining
the nation?
511
00:22:21,539 --> 00:22:23,206
I'll have you know
that I attended
512
00:22:23,208 --> 00:22:26,476
the Republican
National Convention!
513
00:22:27,711 --> 00:22:30,247
Well, I don't think
that's the point.
514
00:22:30,249 --> 00:22:33,616
Edith, maybe you
can understand, dear.
515
00:22:33,618 --> 00:22:36,486
You see, our marriage was...
516
00:22:36,488 --> 00:22:37,754
Well, I mean,
517
00:22:37,756 --> 00:22:40,556
it just didn't seem
to matter much anymore.
518
00:22:40,558 --> 00:22:43,459
Well, no more than the two cars
519
00:22:43,461 --> 00:22:45,128
or the new washer-dryer
520
00:22:45,130 --> 00:22:48,765
or the stereo set.
521
00:22:48,767 --> 00:22:51,134
We were drowning.
522
00:22:51,136 --> 00:22:53,369
Swinging saved us.
523
00:22:53,371 --> 00:22:58,241
I think I would rather
have drowned.
524
00:22:58,243 --> 00:22:59,509
Oh, I'm sorry.
525
00:22:59,511 --> 00:23:00,710
What do you mean
you're sorry?
526
00:23:00,712 --> 00:23:02,312
What do you got
to be sorry for?
527
00:23:02,314 --> 00:23:03,479
You're right!
528
00:23:03,481 --> 00:23:05,581
I seen enough of youse two.
529
00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:07,417
Now am-scray!
530
00:23:07,419 --> 00:23:10,120
Okay.
531
00:23:10,122 --> 00:23:12,588
To each his own,
I suppose.
532
00:23:12,590 --> 00:23:13,890
I'll get
your coat, Ruthie.
533
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:14,757
Mm-hmm.
534
00:23:17,561 --> 00:23:19,129
Well, it's like
535
00:23:19,131 --> 00:23:21,298
that old expression
I made up once,
536
00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:22,966
remember, Ruthie?
537
00:23:22,968 --> 00:23:24,634
"I may disagree
with what you say,
538
00:23:24,636 --> 00:23:26,169
"but I'll defend
with my life
539
00:23:26,171 --> 00:23:27,304
your right to say it."
540
00:23:27,306 --> 00:23:28,404
Oh, yeah.
541
00:23:28,406 --> 00:23:30,440
I remember when you
made that up too,
542
00:23:30,442 --> 00:23:32,075
you clever thing.
543
00:23:32,077 --> 00:23:33,076
Isn't he clever?
544
00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:34,077
Huh?
545
00:24:03,107 --> 00:24:06,142
Don't you read
no more magazines!
546
00:24:21,158 --> 00:24:22,492
Now, what are you doing?
547
00:24:22,494 --> 00:24:24,127
You ain't going
to keep that present.
548
00:24:24,129 --> 00:24:25,461
Oh, no.
549
00:24:25,463 --> 00:24:30,466
I'm going to mail it
right back to the Rempleys.
550
00:24:30,468 --> 00:24:33,003
What are you going to do
with your present?
551
00:24:33,005 --> 00:24:37,040
I'm going to do worse
than mail it back.
552
00:24:37,042 --> 00:24:38,108
I'm going to burn it.
553
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:59,529
[♪]
554
00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:01,364
ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded on tape
555
00:25:01,366 --> 00:25:03,900
before a live audience.
556
00:25:03,950 --> 00:25:08,500
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37815
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