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1
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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,805 --> 00:00:09,273
♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,341 --> 00:00:12,944
♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,012 --> 00:00:16,247
[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,315 --> 00:00:19,484
♪ and you knew where you were then ♪
6
00:00:19,551 --> 00:00:23,054
[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,122 --> 00:00:26,024
[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪
8
00:00:26,092 --> 00:00:29,828
♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪
9
00:00:29,895 --> 00:00:33,231
[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪
10
00:00:33,298 --> 00:00:36,735
[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪
11
00:00:36,802 --> 00:00:40,438
[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪
12
00:00:40,506 --> 00:00:46,177
♪ those were the days ♪
13
00:00:53,185 --> 00:00:55,120
♪ [ humming ]
14
00:01:02,962 --> 00:01:05,196
[ Doorbell ringing ]Coming!
15
00:01:10,235 --> 00:01:13,004
Oh!
Is Michael stivic here?
16
00:01:13,072 --> 00:01:15,707
I'm afraid not.
Can I help you?
17
00:01:15,775 --> 00:01:18,543
Well, you see,
I've had something of his for four years,
18
00:01:18,610 --> 00:01:20,745
and now I'd like
for him to have it.
19
00:01:20,813 --> 00:01:22,747
Oh.
20
00:01:24,183 --> 00:01:26,685
That's very nice of you.
What is it?
21
00:01:26,752 --> 00:01:29,821
His son.
22
00:01:29,889 --> 00:01:32,791
Son?
Oh, no!
23
00:01:32,858 --> 00:01:35,126
No, miss--
I mean, come back!
24
00:01:35,194 --> 00:01:37,962
I don't think--
please!
25
00:01:38,030 --> 00:01:41,700
Missus--
oh, my!
26
00:01:41,767 --> 00:01:45,970
She's made
a terrible mistake, little boy.
27
00:01:46,038 --> 00:01:48,106
Was that lady your mommy?
28
00:01:49,842 --> 00:01:51,776
And Mike--
29
00:01:51,844 --> 00:01:55,780
oh, my.
What are we gonna do?
30
00:01:55,848 --> 00:01:59,450
You see,
Gloria is upstairs.
31
00:01:59,518 --> 00:02:02,320
Well, here,
take off your coat.
32
00:02:02,387 --> 00:02:05,356
I'm sure your mommy
will be right back...
33
00:02:05,424 --> 00:02:08,292
As soon as she finds out
it's the wrong house.
34
00:02:08,360 --> 00:02:10,294
What's your name?
35
00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:14,099
Is it Billy?
36
00:02:14,166 --> 00:02:17,435
Jimmy? Tommy?
37
00:02:17,502 --> 00:02:19,804
Will you tell me
if I guess it?
38
00:02:22,141 --> 00:02:24,375
Oh, dear.
[ Gloria ] Ma, are you talking to Michael?
39
00:02:24,443 --> 00:02:26,677
Uh, just a minute,
Gloria.
40
00:02:26,746 --> 00:02:28,913
You see, that's Gloria.
41
00:02:28,981 --> 00:02:32,050
Now, don't let on
why you're here.
42
00:02:34,186 --> 00:02:37,088
Uh, it-it ain't Michael,
Gloria.
43
00:02:37,156 --> 00:02:39,624
Your name ain't Michael,
is it? [ Footfalls descending stairs ]
44
00:02:39,691 --> 00:02:43,862
Hey, ma,
what a cute little boy. Where did he come from?
45
00:02:43,929 --> 00:02:47,165
I don't know.
46
00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:50,668
I-I mean, I do know.
Oh, he came through the front door.
47
00:02:50,736 --> 00:02:53,304
That's where
he came from. Huh?
48
00:02:53,372 --> 00:02:55,606
Will you help me
fix the dinner, Gloria?
49
00:02:55,674 --> 00:02:58,576
No. I wanna know
who the little boy is.
50
00:02:58,644 --> 00:03:02,413
Hi there, big fella.
Who are you? Hey, ma, who does he belong to?
51
00:03:02,481 --> 00:03:05,316
Oh, um--
52
00:03:05,384 --> 00:03:08,452
some lady.
I don't think you know her.
53
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,321
Oh, don't tell me
you're baby-sitting?
54
00:03:10,389 --> 00:03:13,324
Yeah, yeah.
Something like that. Oh.
55
00:03:13,392 --> 00:03:16,394
Hi there, big fella.
What's your name?
56
00:03:16,461 --> 00:03:18,930
Oh, ma, look at that.
57
00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:21,966
Isn't that cute? When he pouts
he looks just like Michael.
58
00:03:22,034 --> 00:03:24,936
No! No--
oh.
59
00:03:25,004 --> 00:03:30,008
I mean,
Mike has a mustache. Yeah.
60
00:03:30,075 --> 00:03:32,443
I'll bet he's hungry.
61
00:03:32,511 --> 00:03:35,713
You are hungry,
aren't you?
62
00:03:35,781 --> 00:03:38,349
You see, Gloria?
He's starved.
63
00:03:38,417 --> 00:03:40,384
Come on, dear.
Sit over here,
64
00:03:40,452 --> 00:03:42,753
and Gloria will go
out in the kitchen and make you...
65
00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:45,290
A nice peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
66
00:03:45,357 --> 00:03:47,625
But, ma, he just said
he wasn't hungry.
67
00:03:47,693 --> 00:03:49,727
Little boys
are always hungry.
68
00:03:49,795 --> 00:03:53,464
Please, make a peanut butter
and jelly sandwich.
69
00:03:53,532 --> 00:03:58,102
Little boy, if we bring you
a nice peanut butter and jelly sandwich,
70
00:03:58,170 --> 00:04:00,104
would you tell me
your name?
71
00:04:00,172 --> 00:04:02,707
But you've got to.
72
00:04:04,343 --> 00:04:08,479
Where do you live?
What's your mommy's name?
73
00:04:08,547 --> 00:04:11,015
- Hi, Gloria, I'm home.
- Hi, Mike.
74
00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:14,252
Hi, ma.
Gloria's in the kitchen.
75
00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,254
Oh, thanks.
76
00:04:25,064 --> 00:04:26,998
Guess who.
77
00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:29,600
Um, Ryan O'Neal?
78
00:04:29,668 --> 00:04:31,602
Right.
Ooh!
79
00:04:31,670 --> 00:04:33,604
You're always right.
80
00:04:33,672 --> 00:04:37,575
Hey, what's that--
what's that you're wearing? It smells nice.
81
00:04:37,642 --> 00:04:39,577
Peanut butter.
Oh, Michael.
82
00:04:39,644 --> 00:04:42,046
Oh, you're makin'
a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
83
00:04:42,114 --> 00:04:44,148
But, Gloria, you hate
peanut butter and jelly.
84
00:04:44,216 --> 00:04:47,785
Hey, Gloria,
you're-you're not, uh--
85
00:04:47,853 --> 00:04:49,954
no, Michael,
I'm not pregnant.
86
00:04:50,022 --> 00:04:52,623
Oh, good.
I still hate peanut butter.
87
00:04:52,691 --> 00:04:54,625
Great.
Who's the sandwich for?
88
00:04:54,693 --> 00:04:56,627
Our little visitor.
What little visitor?
89
00:04:56,695 --> 00:04:59,130
Hey there, big fella,
look what I just made for you.
90
00:04:59,198 --> 00:05:01,933
A super-duper
peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
91
00:05:02,001 --> 00:05:04,335
Hey, who's the little boy?
What's he doin' there?
92
00:05:04,403 --> 00:05:06,437
He's eatin' a sandwich.
93
00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:10,574
Mike, why don't you
go upstairs?
94
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:13,411
I'll bet you have
some studying to do, haven't you?
95
00:05:13,478 --> 00:05:15,846
Oh, no. I'll wait
till after dinner.
96
00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:17,882
Hey, you know, he's cute.
97
00:05:17,950 --> 00:05:20,218
Hey, you know who
he reminds me of? Nobody!
98
00:05:21,787 --> 00:05:24,488
I mean,
nobody in your family.
99
00:05:24,556 --> 00:05:27,425
Oh, no.
No, that's good!
100
00:05:27,492 --> 00:05:29,827
No, he reminds me
of one of the guys from school.
101
00:05:29,895 --> 00:05:32,130
Hey, ma, you never did say
who his mother was.
102
00:05:32,197 --> 00:05:34,132
Didn't I?
103
00:05:34,199 --> 00:05:37,201
I'd better go see
how the dinner's doin' in the oven.
104
00:05:37,269 --> 00:05:39,570
It's doin' fine. I checked.
Who's his mother?
105
00:05:39,638 --> 00:05:42,807
Oh! Then I'd better
go upstairs and make the beds.
106
00:05:42,874 --> 00:05:45,143
Uh, you made themthis morning, ma.Did I?
107
00:05:45,210 --> 00:05:49,213
Yes. Who's his mother?
What is the matter, ma?
108
00:05:49,281 --> 00:05:51,749
There's a strange little boy
in the room, and all we wanna know is who he is.
109
00:05:51,817 --> 00:05:53,751
Yeah.
Who is he?
110
00:05:53,819 --> 00:05:57,088
Well, why are you askin' me
so many questions?
111
00:05:57,156 --> 00:05:59,424
So there's a little boy
in the room.
112
00:05:59,491 --> 00:06:02,860
Is there anything wrong about
having a little boy in the room?
113
00:06:02,928 --> 00:06:06,030
Is there a law against having
a little boy in the room?
114
00:06:06,098 --> 00:06:09,000
It's nice having
a little boy in the room.
115
00:06:09,068 --> 00:06:12,803
And if you want me to answer
any more questions, don't ask me!
116
00:06:21,246 --> 00:06:23,414
Gloria, what's with her?
I don't know.
117
00:06:23,482 --> 00:06:27,452
Well, stuck on the subway
for 30 minutes again tonight.
118
00:06:27,519 --> 00:06:29,720
Arch, uh--
let me tell you somethin'.
119
00:06:29,788 --> 00:06:33,491
The way your mayor Lindsay
runs the city's transportation system,
120
00:06:33,558 --> 00:06:35,960
a workin' man
can get home for supper around breakfast time.
121
00:06:36,028 --> 00:06:37,962
Look, arch--
daddy--
122
00:06:38,030 --> 00:06:40,999
I'll say one thing
for mussolini.
123
00:06:41,066 --> 00:06:44,268
He was no bundle of laughs,
but he sure could make a train run on time.
124
00:06:44,336 --> 00:06:46,871
Look, arch, uh--
125
00:06:46,938 --> 00:06:49,907
wait. Ho.
Hey, hold your horses. Hey, who's this here?
126
00:06:49,975 --> 00:06:52,176
Yeah, that's what we were
tryin' to tell you, arch.
127
00:06:52,244 --> 00:06:55,079
Well, go ahead
and tell me, meathead. What's with the kid?
128
00:06:55,147 --> 00:06:58,149
Well, we don't know.
Mom said somebody brought him here.
129
00:06:58,217 --> 00:07:03,654
I didn't think he grew like
a mushroom out of the chair. Who brought him?
130
00:07:03,722 --> 00:07:06,424
Little boy, I brought you
a nice glass of milk--
131
00:07:06,492 --> 00:07:09,360
oh, Archie,
you're home!
132
00:07:15,300 --> 00:07:18,403
No, Edith,
I'm still at work.
133
00:07:18,470 --> 00:07:23,174
What you see standin' here
is merely a pigment of your imagination.
134
00:07:23,242 --> 00:07:27,645
Edith, who is this kid--
Archie, I need to talk to you.
135
00:07:27,712 --> 00:07:30,481
What? Gee, uh, who's
the little kid here?
136
00:07:30,549 --> 00:07:33,817
That's just what I wanted
to talk to you about.
137
00:07:33,885 --> 00:07:36,120
Well, whoop-Dee-do.
138
00:07:36,188 --> 00:07:39,857
First time in 23 years our
minds are "synchrosized."
139
00:07:41,393 --> 00:07:43,428
Who's the child?
140
00:07:43,495 --> 00:07:45,729
He's-- he's--
141
00:07:45,797 --> 00:07:48,966
oh, Archie,
we got trouble.
142
00:07:50,569 --> 00:07:54,405
Can't you answer me
a simple, three-word question?
143
00:07:54,473 --> 00:07:56,407
Who is that kid?
144
00:07:57,976 --> 00:08:00,144
What's the big mystery?
145
00:08:00,212 --> 00:08:04,282
Oh, Mike!
Oh, Archie!
146
00:08:05,717 --> 00:08:07,651
Oh, Gloria!
147
00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:12,123
Oh, Edith!
148
00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:14,125
What is it?
149
00:08:14,193 --> 00:08:17,328
Well, you see,
150
00:08:17,396 --> 00:08:21,199
the bell rang, and I--
and I went and answered the door,
151
00:08:21,266 --> 00:08:23,767
and there was
this woman there.
152
00:08:23,835 --> 00:08:25,936
Yeah?
153
00:08:28,073 --> 00:08:31,775
And she left the little boy
and sort of ran away.
154
00:08:31,843 --> 00:08:34,212
Wait a minute.
Are you telling me that...
155
00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:37,115
Some woman showed up here
at the door you've never seen before,
156
00:08:37,182 --> 00:08:39,950
you don't even know,
and left the child here?
157
00:08:40,018 --> 00:08:42,587
Edith, I mean,
you don't know the person.
158
00:08:42,654 --> 00:08:44,855
Maybe that person
could be a kidnapper.
159
00:08:44,923 --> 00:08:48,326
That would make you
an "accessidy" after the fact.
160
00:08:48,393 --> 00:08:50,995
- Ma, are you sure
it was her son? - Oh, yeah.
161
00:08:51,062 --> 00:08:53,598
I'm sure
it was her son. Well, how are you sure?
162
00:08:53,665 --> 00:08:57,201
Did she tell you that?
No, not exactly.
163
00:08:57,269 --> 00:08:59,069
Ma, what exactly
did she tell you?
164
00:09:02,174 --> 00:09:05,443
She told me
it was your son, Mike.
165
00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:12,383
What?
What?
166
00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:14,118
What?
167
00:09:14,186 --> 00:09:16,387
What?
168
00:09:16,455 --> 00:09:20,224
She asked for
Michael stivic and just left him here.
169
00:09:20,292 --> 00:09:23,628
Ma, you have
to be kidding!
170
00:09:25,597 --> 00:09:29,133
- She better be kiddin'!
- Michael!
171
00:09:29,201 --> 00:09:31,602
That's your son there?
Michael?
172
00:09:31,670 --> 00:09:35,540
No, no!
Of course he's not my son, Gloria.
173
00:09:35,607 --> 00:09:39,843
Get your hands
off my daughter, you palooka,
174
00:09:39,911 --> 00:09:43,681
and head for
the Y.M.C.A.!
175
00:09:43,748 --> 00:09:48,319
Daddy-- daddy, calm down.
I'm sure Michael has a reasonable explanation.
176
00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:52,022
Michael, tell daddy
your reasonable explanation.
177
00:09:53,258 --> 00:09:55,193
Well, I mean,
it's obvious...
178
00:09:55,260 --> 00:09:57,728
Some nut left a kid
on our doorstep, that's all.
179
00:09:57,796 --> 00:10:00,398
No, no!
That ain't all!
180
00:10:00,465 --> 00:10:03,767
That kid was left
special delivery for Michael stivic!
181
00:10:03,835 --> 00:10:06,937
There can't be more than
one of them in this world.
182
00:10:07,005 --> 00:10:10,374
Archie, all that proves
is that whoever this nut is, she knows my name.
183
00:10:10,442 --> 00:10:12,810
I mean, haven't
you ever gotten anything you didn't ask for?
184
00:10:20,586 --> 00:10:22,520
I'm lookin' right at it.
185
00:10:24,389 --> 00:10:26,857
Look, uh, Archie,
that kid--
186
00:10:26,925 --> 00:10:29,126
I mean, I would know if
I had a son, wouldn't I?
187
00:10:29,194 --> 00:10:31,395
I mean, look at that kid!
He doesn't even look like me!
188
00:10:31,463 --> 00:10:35,065
Except a little
when he pouts. Ma, please!
189
00:10:36,568 --> 00:10:40,137
Daddy-- daddy,
Michael's right. It's obviously a big mistake.
190
00:10:40,205 --> 00:10:42,873
Of course it's a mistake!
It always is!
191
00:10:44,509 --> 00:10:48,078
This is a mistake that he made
I figure about four years ago.
192
00:10:48,146 --> 00:10:52,416
And look at this.
His mistake is gettin' peanut butter all over my chair!
193
00:10:52,484 --> 00:10:55,986
I'll get it off.
Oh, he has it on his face.
194
00:10:56,054 --> 00:10:57,921
Have you got a hankie?
195
00:10:57,989 --> 00:11:00,157
Michael, what are
we gonna do? Uh-- uh--
196
00:11:00,225 --> 00:11:02,092
I'll call the
child welfare bureau.
197
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:04,328
Why would anybody
do a thing like this?
198
00:11:04,396 --> 00:11:06,530
Who knows, Gloria?
Some stupid reason.
199
00:11:06,598 --> 00:11:09,867
Look. Here's a picture
of the little boy.
200
00:11:09,934 --> 00:11:12,803
We don't need
no picture of him, Edith. We can see what he looks like.
201
00:11:12,871 --> 00:11:15,306
He's standin'
with his mother.
202
00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:19,577
Oh. His mother's
very attractive.
203
00:11:19,645 --> 00:11:22,179
Uh, I wanna report
a child leaving.
204
00:11:22,247 --> 00:11:24,948
Uh, a child leaving.
Uh--
205
00:11:25,016 --> 00:11:27,885
no, no, I don't mean
the child left. The child is here.
206
00:11:27,952 --> 00:11:31,221
The mother left.
Uh-- yes, I'll hold on.
207
00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:35,526
Michael, here's a picture
of his mother. Do you recognize her?
208
00:11:35,594 --> 00:11:38,296
Gloria, if I thought
for one second...
209
00:11:38,363 --> 00:11:40,331
That that boy was my son--
210
00:11:45,870 --> 00:11:48,205
that's Marilyn Sanders.
211
00:12:00,185 --> 00:12:02,052
I mean, I don'tunderstand it, Michael.
212
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:06,524
In all the time we've been
together, you never ever once even mentioned Marilyn Sanders.
213
00:12:06,591 --> 00:12:08,526
- Michael!
- [ Grunts ]
214
00:12:10,295 --> 00:12:12,296
Did you fall asleep
on me again?
215
00:12:12,364 --> 00:12:14,865
No, Gloria.
What makes you think that?
216
00:12:14,933 --> 00:12:18,502
I've heard every word
you've said... all night.
217
00:12:18,570 --> 00:12:21,038
Every single word.
218
00:12:21,105 --> 00:12:23,341
Michael, look at me.Hmm?
219
00:12:23,408 --> 00:12:26,143
- We have some more
talking to do. - More talking?
220
00:12:26,211 --> 00:12:30,981
Gloria, it's 5:30 in the
morning. You've said everything there is to say... twice.
221
00:12:31,049 --> 00:12:33,183
You miserable creep.
222
00:12:33,251 --> 00:12:35,619
You said that three times.
223
00:12:35,687 --> 00:12:37,621
You're not funny, papa!
224
00:12:37,689 --> 00:12:39,790
Ohh!
225
00:12:39,858 --> 00:12:43,828
Don't say that, Gloria!
Don't say that! You have no right to say that!
226
00:12:43,895 --> 00:12:46,697
And you have no right
to be that!
227
00:12:46,765 --> 00:12:48,699
Gloria--
well, it's true, isn't it?
228
00:12:48,767 --> 00:12:50,701
I don't know if it's true!
229
00:12:50,769 --> 00:12:53,103
But Marilyn Sanders knows,
doesn't she?
230
00:12:53,171 --> 00:12:56,173
Gloria,
I tried to reach her. Her phone was disconnected.
231
00:12:56,241 --> 00:12:59,042
There was no address.
There's no way I can contact her!
232
00:12:59,110 --> 00:13:00,811
I thought you'd
already done that.
233
00:13:00,879 --> 00:13:04,014
Oh, that--
you!
234
00:13:04,082 --> 00:13:07,752
Even if it's true, Gloria,
I'm a human being, and human beings make mistakes!
235
00:13:07,819 --> 00:13:12,690
But most people's mistakes
don't walk in the front door and say, "hi, daddy!"
236
00:13:12,758 --> 00:13:15,125
Will you listen
to yourself, Gloria?
237
00:13:15,193 --> 00:13:18,962
You sound like queen Victoria!
What happened to the modern, liberated girl I married?
238
00:13:19,030 --> 00:13:22,566
She became a mother
by special delivery!
239
00:13:22,634 --> 00:13:26,837
Look, Gloria, that--
that boy, he can't be my son.
240
00:13:26,905 --> 00:13:29,172
I mean, it's practically
impossible.
241
00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:32,342
The odds are all against it.
You went out with her, didn't you?
242
00:13:32,411 --> 00:13:35,513
Well, yeah.
I knew her, but not that well.
243
00:13:35,580 --> 00:13:38,382
It--
it was only once.
244
00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:41,351
If I remember
my biology right, once is enough.
245
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:43,721
For fruit flies!
246
00:13:46,725 --> 00:13:49,493
With human beings,
it only happens that fast in the movies!
247
00:13:49,561 --> 00:13:52,596
I don't care
where it happened!
248
00:13:52,664 --> 00:13:55,165
I just wanna know
why you didn't marry her.
249
00:13:55,233 --> 00:13:58,035
Because I didn't love her!
Then how could you take her--
250
00:13:58,102 --> 00:14:00,037
because I liked her.
251
00:14:05,944 --> 00:14:08,045
She was... pretty.
252
00:14:09,147 --> 00:14:11,482
Thank you.
Oh, come on, now, Gloria.
253
00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:13,484
No, I don't wanna hear...
You know I didn't mean it that way.
254
00:14:13,552 --> 00:14:16,219
Anymore about her!
255
00:14:16,287 --> 00:14:18,221
What was she like, Michael?
256
00:14:19,758 --> 00:14:23,427
Well, she had a nice...
257
00:14:23,495 --> 00:14:26,296
Sense of humor.
258
00:14:26,364 --> 00:14:28,432
Michael, that's not
what I mean.
259
00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,968
Do I have to
spell it out for you?
260
00:14:31,035 --> 00:14:34,104
For crying out loud, Gloria!
On that subject, I never gave grades!
261
00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:41,579
Look, Gloria,
262
00:14:41,646 --> 00:14:43,848
I love you.
263
00:14:43,915 --> 00:14:46,784
You're the only one
that matters.
264
00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:49,319
No one else ever--
ever came close.
265
00:14:53,925 --> 00:14:55,860
Are you sure?
266
00:14:55,927 --> 00:14:58,161
Sure I'm sure.
267
00:14:58,229 --> 00:15:01,465
Hey, before we met,
that doesn't count.
268
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:04,635
I mean, we both
had lives of our own.
269
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:08,071
You went out with other guys.
I never asked you about them.
270
00:15:08,139 --> 00:15:12,009
I figured... if you wanted
to tell me about 'em, you'd tell me.
271
00:15:12,076 --> 00:15:14,812
Well, Michael,
if you really wanna know--
272
00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:17,982
don't tell me!
I don't wanna know! Michael!
273
00:15:18,049 --> 00:15:19,984
[ Arguing continues ]
274
00:15:23,688 --> 00:15:25,623
Do you hear this?
275
00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:29,827
World war III's
still blazin' away...
276
00:15:31,029 --> 00:15:33,597
At 5:30 in the A.M.
277
00:15:33,665 --> 00:15:36,634
Geez, I gotta get up
in an hour, I ain't even been to bed yet.
278
00:15:38,202 --> 00:15:40,137
I know.
279
00:15:40,204 --> 00:15:43,440
I thought I was gonna
be able to drop off once or twice up there...
280
00:15:43,508 --> 00:15:46,076
In a lull in
the "hostililities."
281
00:15:48,046 --> 00:15:51,314
But then the kid
kept botherin' me. Had me in a midnight shuffle.
282
00:15:51,382 --> 00:15:54,284
- What did he want?
- Water, Edith.
283
00:15:54,352 --> 00:15:56,286
Half the night
he was fillin' up on it, the other half...
284
00:15:56,354 --> 00:15:59,590
He was gettin' rid of it.
285
00:15:59,658 --> 00:16:01,592
Where are you going,Michael?I'm not going anywhere!
286
00:16:01,660 --> 00:16:03,994
Ah, here come the lovebirds.
287
00:16:04,062 --> 00:16:06,496
Michael, you can't
run away from the problem!
288
00:16:06,565 --> 00:16:09,099
I'm not running away, Gloria.
I just wanna get something to eat.
289
00:16:09,167 --> 00:16:11,234
Will you listen to that!
290
00:16:11,302 --> 00:16:13,804
If that guy was on the Titanic,he'd keep on eatin'...
291
00:16:13,872 --> 00:16:16,540
Till the water come up
over his nose!
292
00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:20,477
You can't blame him
for havin' a good appetite.
293
00:16:20,545 --> 00:16:22,913
Whoa-oa-oa!
294
00:16:22,981 --> 00:16:25,849
This bird's got appetites
in all directions.
295
00:16:25,917 --> 00:16:29,086
Come on, arch.
Daddy, stop it!
296
00:16:29,153 --> 00:16:33,490
Somebody should've told him
to stop it before he become father of the year!
297
00:16:33,558 --> 00:16:35,425
You stop picking
on Michael!
298
00:16:35,493 --> 00:16:38,261
Yeah. She's been doin'
a great job of that all night by herself.
299
00:16:38,329 --> 00:16:41,198
And you shut up!
I don't wanna hear another word out of you!
300
00:16:41,265 --> 00:16:44,101
I've come to a decision.
I've decided to stay with you...
301
00:16:44,168 --> 00:16:46,103
Whether the little boy
is yours or not.
302
00:16:46,170 --> 00:16:49,873
Gee, it sounds like
you're stayin' with me out of revenge.
303
00:16:49,941 --> 00:16:52,442
I'm staying with you
because I love you!
304
00:16:52,510 --> 00:16:54,878
Well, if you love me,
you better understand one thing, Gloria!
305
00:16:54,946 --> 00:16:58,649
I don't think that that kid
is mine, but if he turns out to be, he's my responsibility!
306
00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:01,384
That's where
you're wrong, Michael! He's our responsibility!
307
00:17:01,452 --> 00:17:03,386
Look, don't--
308
00:17:04,789 --> 00:17:07,424
what?
309
00:17:07,492 --> 00:17:09,593
He's our responsibility.
310
00:17:18,302 --> 00:17:20,504
Look at this here.
311
00:17:20,571 --> 00:17:23,641
A whole love scene
done in yells.
312
00:17:25,309 --> 00:17:27,477
Ain't that nice,
Archie?
313
00:17:27,545 --> 00:17:31,515
Ah, beautiful, Edith.
Well, I've had enough of it. What are you gonna do?
314
00:17:31,582 --> 00:17:35,986
I'm gonna go upstairs
and try to get 20 minutes of shut-eye.
315
00:17:36,054 --> 00:17:40,958
The world keeps turnin' over,
and every time it turns it leans on me.
316
00:17:41,026 --> 00:17:43,326
Come here, Archie.
317
00:17:43,394 --> 00:17:45,796
Look.
Ain't he cute?
318
00:17:45,864 --> 00:17:49,633
Yeah.
What if he is our grandson?
319
00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:52,836
Huh?
Once removed.
320
00:17:54,806 --> 00:17:57,941
He can't be our grandson.
321
00:17:58,009 --> 00:18:00,410
Only person in this house
he's related to...
322
00:18:00,478 --> 00:18:03,547
Is casanovski
in the kitchen there.
323
00:18:05,116 --> 00:18:09,086
And I want the two of them
out of this house, father and son.
324
00:18:09,154 --> 00:18:11,922
Archie-- shh!
Don't argue with me!
325
00:18:11,990 --> 00:18:14,324
Gloria, I love you.
326
00:18:14,392 --> 00:18:16,326
I love you too, Michael.
327
00:18:18,596 --> 00:18:21,565
What do we got to eat?
328
00:18:21,632 --> 00:18:24,267
Michael, why don't you
go in the living room and relax,
329
00:18:24,335 --> 00:18:26,536
and I'll make you
a nice breakfast.
330
00:18:26,604 --> 00:18:28,605
Okay, thanks.
331
00:18:31,375 --> 00:18:33,310
[ Knocking ]
332
00:18:40,351 --> 00:18:42,086
Hi, Mike.
333
00:18:42,153 --> 00:18:44,955
Marilyn.
334
00:18:45,023 --> 00:18:47,958
You remembered.
Sure, I remembered.
335
00:18:48,026 --> 00:18:51,161
Oh, boy, did I remember.
336
00:18:51,229 --> 00:18:53,263
You, uh--
you look nice.
337
00:18:53,331 --> 00:18:55,432
Are you kiddin'?
I've been up all night worryin'.
338
00:18:55,499 --> 00:18:58,401
I must look like
the wrath of God. Where's Danny?
339
00:18:58,469 --> 00:19:00,470
Danny?
Oh, the boy. Yeah.
340
00:19:00,538 --> 00:19:02,405
Uh, he's, uh, right here.
341
00:19:02,473 --> 00:19:04,908
He's on the couch.
342
00:19:04,976 --> 00:19:06,977
He's sleepin'.
He's fine.
343
00:19:14,152 --> 00:19:16,086
So...
344
00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:20,891
How you been, Marilyn?
345
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:24,361
Great.
Just great.
346
00:19:24,428 --> 00:19:26,630
I mean, every mother
I know goes around givin' her kid away.
347
00:19:26,697 --> 00:19:28,632
I'm in great shape,
ya dumb jerk!
348
00:19:28,699 --> 00:19:31,001
- I'm sorry, Marilyn. I--
- oh, forget it.
349
00:19:32,637 --> 00:19:34,571
Why'd you shave
your beard off?
350
00:19:34,639 --> 00:19:37,374
[ Mike ]Oh, uh,i got married, and--
351
00:19:37,441 --> 00:19:39,643
[ Marilyn ]Oh.
352
00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:42,146
[ Mike ]Uh, how do you like itthis way?
353
00:19:42,213 --> 00:19:45,315
[ Marilyn ]I don't know.I have to get used to it.
354
00:19:45,383 --> 00:19:48,152
Well, before she gets
too used to it, Michael, I think you better ask her...
355
00:19:48,219 --> 00:19:50,220
The $64,000 question.
356
00:19:50,288 --> 00:19:52,656
Who's the snotty kid?
357
00:19:52,723 --> 00:19:54,925
Shh! Shh!
Listen, here, you-- don't shush me!
358
00:19:54,993 --> 00:19:57,127
Did you hear
what she just called me? Gloria! Gloria! Quiet!
359
00:19:57,195 --> 00:19:59,163
You're gonna wake up
the little boy.
360
00:19:59,230 --> 00:20:03,033
Uh, Marilyn,
this is my wife, Gloria.
361
00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:05,502
Gloria, this is my old--
362
00:20:05,569 --> 00:20:07,704
Marilyn.
This is Marilyn.
363
00:20:07,772 --> 00:20:09,807
Hello.
364
00:20:09,874 --> 00:20:11,708
Well, are you gonna
ask her the question?
365
00:20:11,776 --> 00:20:14,845
Uh, yeah.
Uh, Marilyn...
366
00:20:17,148 --> 00:20:19,516
Uh,
367
00:20:19,583 --> 00:20:22,319
I'm not, uh--
368
00:20:23,454 --> 00:20:25,388
no, you're not
the father, Mike.
369
00:20:25,456 --> 00:20:27,858
- Oh, thank God.
- What?
370
00:20:27,926 --> 00:20:31,094
- I didn't mean it that way.
- Where do you come off puttin' down my kid?
371
00:20:31,162 --> 00:20:33,964
You couldn't father
a boy like that on your best day you ever lived!
372
00:20:34,032 --> 00:20:36,900
[ Voices overlapping ]
373
00:20:36,968 --> 00:20:40,003
[ Archie ]
Will youse two pipe down! Last time I seen you,
374
00:20:40,071 --> 00:20:42,206
youse was in
each other's arms.
375
00:20:42,273 --> 00:20:44,842
The battle
is still ragin' on!
376
00:20:44,909 --> 00:20:47,644
But now we see
a new platoon in the field.
377
00:20:48,847 --> 00:20:50,780
Who's this?
378
00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:53,951
Daddy, ma,
this is Marilyn Sanders, the little boy's mother.
379
00:20:54,018 --> 00:20:55,953
Hello.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
380
00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:58,856
The mother, huh?
Well, if you've come to pick up the child,
381
00:20:58,923 --> 00:21:03,626
you can collect the father too,
and the three of youse trot off on a honeymoon together.
382
00:21:03,694 --> 00:21:07,597
Daddy, Marilyn just told us
Michael is not Danny's father.
383
00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:11,468
Oh, no?
384
00:21:11,535 --> 00:21:14,338
Well, that's the best news
I heard all night.
385
00:21:14,405 --> 00:21:16,506
And it's a damn lucky thing
for you you ain't!
386
00:21:16,574 --> 00:21:19,409
-What is it with you people?
You all hate kids or something? -Now, wait a minute.
387
00:21:19,477 --> 00:21:22,645
Now, just wait a minute.
Don't hit us with that "hate kid" stuff.
388
00:21:22,713 --> 00:21:25,983
I mean, you know,
we didn't drop the child off on the dead run.
389
00:21:26,050 --> 00:21:28,718
- It was you done that.
- Listen here, chunky!
390
00:21:32,357 --> 00:21:34,724
You think it's easy
to bring up a kid, hold down a job...
391
00:21:34,792 --> 00:21:37,861
And look for a husband
and a father for the kid all at the same time?
392
00:21:37,929 --> 00:21:40,430
Guys you meet today
bring you home from a date, take one look at the kid,
393
00:21:40,498 --> 00:21:42,732
and it's slam, bam,
thank you, ma'am.
394
00:21:43,902 --> 00:21:46,669
You should write a letter
to "dear abie."
395
00:21:49,607 --> 00:21:52,175
You're a panic.
396
00:21:52,243 --> 00:21:55,178
My last kiss-off
was a month ago.
397
00:21:55,246 --> 00:21:59,216
This terrific guy,
as soon as he found out about Danny, that was it.
398
00:21:59,284 --> 00:22:02,219
And then last week
I met this new fella,
399
00:22:02,287 --> 00:22:06,156
and I-- and I didn't want
the same thing to happen all over again.
400
00:22:06,224 --> 00:22:08,491
So I thought if I could just
leave Danny somewhere...
401
00:22:08,559 --> 00:22:10,493
Until I could get something
going with this guy--
402
00:22:10,561 --> 00:22:12,262
but, Marilyn,
why'd you pick on me?
403
00:22:12,330 --> 00:22:16,466
Oh-- well,
I saw you one day in Macy's with blondie there.
404
00:22:16,534 --> 00:22:18,936
Name's Gloria.
405
00:22:19,003 --> 00:22:21,871
I didn't mean it
as a rap, honey.
406
00:22:21,940 --> 00:22:25,442
Anyway, the two of you
looked-- you looked kind of sweet together.
407
00:22:25,509 --> 00:22:28,511
Happy. Oh, boy,
is this gettin' corny.
408
00:22:28,579 --> 00:22:31,648
Let me take my kid
and I'll get the hell out of here.
409
00:22:31,715 --> 00:22:33,650
Danny? Come on, honey.
Mommy's back.
410
00:22:33,717 --> 00:22:37,454
Come on, sweetheart.
We're gonna get your shoes on. You all right?
411
00:22:37,521 --> 00:22:39,756
So you came back because
you missed him, huh?
412
00:22:39,824 --> 00:22:44,127
No, actually, I came back
because he swallowed my diamond earrings.
413
00:22:44,195 --> 00:22:47,831
[ Horn honking ]
Tell the cab to wait. I'll be right out.
414
00:22:47,898 --> 00:22:51,668
Tell the cab to wait.
She'll be right out, meathead.
415
00:22:53,371 --> 00:22:55,973
- Where's his coat?
- Yeah, where's his coat?
416
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,508
Oh, right here.
417
00:22:58,576 --> 00:23:03,546
But why don't you keep
the blanket so you don't have to wake him, Mrs.--
418
00:23:03,614 --> 00:23:05,682
miss--
it's missus.
419
00:23:05,749 --> 00:23:09,052
- Oh, I didn't mean that--
- don't worry.
420
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,855
I was married
to Danny's father.
421
00:23:11,922 --> 00:23:15,592
But he wanted Danny
as much as you people. [ Archie ] Hold it there, sis.
422
00:23:15,659 --> 00:23:18,395
You got some kind of nerve
sayin' that.
423
00:23:18,463 --> 00:23:22,832
You come into our house,
you turn the joint upside down, you cost me a night's sleep.
424
00:23:22,900 --> 00:23:25,768
Then you're gonna stand there
and blame your life on us.
425
00:23:25,836 --> 00:23:28,138
Archie, be nice.
426
00:23:28,206 --> 00:23:30,440
Think of
the little boy.
427
00:23:30,508 --> 00:23:33,543
Don't be tryin' to make me
feel bad about that!
428
00:23:33,611 --> 00:23:35,745
What's the use of me
thinkin' about him?
429
00:23:37,548 --> 00:23:39,582
I mean, there ain't nothin'
I can do about him.
430
00:23:40,951 --> 00:23:43,887
You know, look, sis, we got
a little house here...
431
00:23:43,954 --> 00:23:47,557
And a family and, uh--
432
00:23:47,625 --> 00:23:50,560
well, I mean,
the best we can do is wish you luck.
433
00:23:51,829 --> 00:23:53,763
Luck.
434
00:23:53,831 --> 00:23:56,333
And God bless us,
everyone.
435
00:23:56,401 --> 00:23:58,335
Right?
436
00:24:24,862 --> 00:24:27,364
Oh, I hope
that poor girl...
437
00:24:27,432 --> 00:24:30,867
Finds a nice husband
and settles down. Sure.
438
00:24:30,935 --> 00:24:33,570
Well, while all of youse
is standin' around here...
439
00:24:33,637 --> 00:24:36,606
Dreamin' up them
charmin' possibilities,
440
00:24:36,674 --> 00:24:40,544
I gotta go upstairs,
change my clothes and get ready for work.
441
00:24:40,611 --> 00:24:44,114
Daddy, before you go,
I think you owe Michael an apology.
442
00:24:45,383 --> 00:24:47,551
I owe him an apology?
443
00:24:48,686 --> 00:24:51,288
Well, he owes me...
444
00:24:51,355 --> 00:24:53,457
Two years' rent.
445
00:24:57,861 --> 00:24:59,796
So we're even.
446
00:25:21,719 --> 00:25:26,123
[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
447
00:25:26,173 --> 00:25:30,723
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