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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
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00:00:05,471 --> 00:00:08,940
♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,008 --> 00:00:12,711
♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:12,778 --> 00:00:15,981
[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,048 --> 00:00:19,317
[ Edith ]
♪ and you knew where you were then ♪
6
00:00:19,384 --> 00:00:23,354
[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪
7
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[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪
8
00:00:25,758 --> 00:00:29,661
♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪
9
00:00:29,729 --> 00:00:32,964
[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪
10
00:00:33,032 --> 00:00:36,267
[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪
11
00:00:36,335 --> 00:00:40,438
[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪
12
00:00:40,506 --> 00:00:45,443
♪ those were the days ♪
13
00:00:53,218 --> 00:00:55,153
[ door opening ]
14
00:00:56,956 --> 00:00:58,890
Hi, daddy.
Hi.
15
00:00:58,958 --> 00:01:03,628
- Hi, arch. How's the world
treatin' you today? - Don't start up with me.
16
00:01:03,696 --> 00:01:07,766
Oh, here he is,
the good humor man.
17
00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:10,769
- Have a pleasant day, arch?
- Yeah, beautiful.
18
00:01:10,836 --> 00:01:14,505
Comin' home I was held up
31 minutes in that subway train.
19
00:01:14,573 --> 00:01:18,342
Packed in like sardines, we was:
No lights, no fans,
20
00:01:18,410 --> 00:01:23,347
me crushed up against
a 300-pound Italian, half of which was pure garlic.
21
00:01:25,417 --> 00:01:29,087
What a city. That Lindsay
can't do nothin' right.
22
00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,156
He turned democrat.
23
00:01:41,466 --> 00:01:44,402
- Where's your mother?
- She ran down to the supermarket.
24
00:01:44,469 --> 00:01:46,437
When was that?
About 4:00.
25
00:01:46,505 --> 00:01:49,908
That's two hours ago.
Where is she? I'm hungry here.
26
00:01:49,975 --> 00:01:52,043
Gee, arch, all you can think
about is your stomach.
27
00:01:52,111 --> 00:01:54,212
If ma's so late, how come
you're not worried about her?
28
00:01:54,279 --> 00:01:59,450
Because there's a special
Providence takes care of drunks and dingbats.
29
00:02:00,953 --> 00:02:04,555
It's only their loved ones
that's gotta suffer and go hungry.
30
00:02:04,623 --> 00:02:08,526
All right, daddy.
Dinner's on the stove. I'll get it on the table.
31
00:02:08,594 --> 00:02:12,097
- I'm home.
- Oh, are you, Edith?
32
00:02:12,164 --> 00:02:14,099
What kept you?
33
00:02:14,166 --> 00:02:16,367
Hello, Archie.
34
00:02:16,435 --> 00:02:18,703
[ Archie ]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
35
00:02:18,771 --> 00:02:22,173
That's all I get,
"hello there, Archie"? Oh,
36
00:02:22,241 --> 00:02:26,111
I'm sorry, Archie.
Here. [ Kisses ]
37
00:02:26,178 --> 00:02:28,947
Wait a minute.
38
00:02:29,014 --> 00:02:32,817
What do you call that,
[ Kisses ] Flyin' through the air?
39
00:02:33,886 --> 00:02:36,821
Why are you late?Well, actually,
40
00:02:36,889 --> 00:02:41,092
it all started because
you like cling peaches.
41
00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:45,496
- You're late because
I like cling peaches? - In heavy syrup. Excuse me.
42
00:02:45,564 --> 00:02:49,167
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
There's somethin' funny goin' on here.
43
00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:51,302
Why were you two hours
at the supermarket?
44
00:02:51,370 --> 00:02:54,906
Well, they're having a sale
at ferguson's market:
45
00:02:54,974 --> 00:02:57,976
Four cents off
the medium size can...
46
00:02:58,043 --> 00:03:00,979
And seven cents off
the large can. I don't care about the--
47
00:03:01,046 --> 00:03:05,583
and I have the coupons that give
you two cents off every can, so I could--
48
00:03:05,651 --> 00:03:10,588
Edith, hold it.
You are invadin' the issue here.
49
00:03:13,125 --> 00:03:15,059
You're hidin'
somethin' from me,
50
00:03:15,127 --> 00:03:18,963
and you ain't gonna move
off this spot till I find out what it is.
51
00:03:19,031 --> 00:03:21,465
Dinner's
ready, daddy. Oh, hi, Gloria.
52
00:03:21,533 --> 00:03:24,635
Hi, mom. What took
you so long? Don't ask me.
53
00:03:24,703 --> 00:03:26,871
Huh?
Here, take this bag in the kitchen.
54
00:03:26,939 --> 00:03:28,873
Excuse me.
Can't you stand still here?
55
00:03:28,941 --> 00:03:31,342
I just wanna
hang up my coat.
56
00:03:31,410 --> 00:03:33,511
What is the matter
with you, Edith?
57
00:03:33,578 --> 00:03:38,416
Oh, thank you, Gloria,
for getting the dinner on. You're such a big help.
58
00:03:38,483 --> 00:03:44,155
Thank Michael too.
He helped me set the table. Oh, thank you, Mike.
59
00:03:44,223 --> 00:03:48,159
That's good practice for
when you have your own home. Wait a minute.
60
00:03:48,227 --> 00:03:50,995
Nobody eat nothin'
around here...
61
00:03:51,063 --> 00:03:53,664
Till I find out
what went wrong at the supermarket.
62
00:03:53,732 --> 00:03:58,236
Now, come on. Give.
Well, I knew you like cling peaches--
63
00:03:58,304 --> 00:04:00,338
I heard that
before, Edith. In heavy syrup--
64
00:04:00,405 --> 00:04:02,406
yeah. I heard
that too.
65
00:04:02,474 --> 00:04:06,878
I know. Why don't you tell me
how much I've told you so far,
66
00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:09,881
then I'll know
where to begin.
67
00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:12,951
You ain't told me nothin' so far
except "cling peaches,"
68
00:04:13,018 --> 00:04:14,953
which is coming out of my ears.
69
00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:17,488
Now, don't say them
two words no more, huh?
70
00:04:17,556 --> 00:04:21,960
Start your story
after the cling peaches and get on with it.
71
00:04:24,930 --> 00:04:30,068
Well, Archie, I had
an accident with a car. What?
72
00:04:30,135 --> 00:04:32,703
Ma, are you
all right? Did you get hit?
73
00:04:32,771 --> 00:04:36,440
Oh, no.
I didn't get hit. I hit the car.
74
00:04:36,508 --> 00:04:41,846
But, ma, you don't drive.
Yeah, and even if you do, we don't have a car.
75
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:43,848
Edith,
76
00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:45,850
how did you
hit a car?
77
00:04:45,918 --> 00:04:51,356
Well, that's where the--
"hmm, mmm-mmm" come in. What?
78
00:04:56,428 --> 00:05:00,064
You told me never
to say those two words.
79
00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:03,534
Edith, what are you
trying to tell me,
80
00:05:03,602 --> 00:05:07,405
that you hit a car
with a can of cling peaches?
81
00:05:07,472 --> 00:05:11,609
That's-- that's right.
You see, I was comin' out of the market...
82
00:05:11,676 --> 00:05:15,246
With my shopping basket
full of "hmm, mmm-mmm,"
83
00:05:18,951 --> 00:05:22,921
and-- and there was Mrs. Duncan
with her new baby.
84
00:05:22,988 --> 00:05:26,925
I took a peek in the carriage,
but I couldn't see the baby too well.
85
00:05:26,992 --> 00:05:31,062
He was all "swinged" up
with his-- will you get on with the story?
86
00:05:31,130 --> 00:05:34,598
Well, anyway, I knew
I had to say somethin' nice about the baby,
87
00:05:34,666 --> 00:05:38,736
so I went, "oh, isn't that
a beautiful baby?"
88
00:05:38,804 --> 00:05:43,041
And when I went, "oh,"
the shopping basket got away from me,
89
00:05:43,108 --> 00:05:48,046
rolled down the hill and
smashed into this parked car and scratched the Fender.
90
00:05:48,113 --> 00:05:53,351
And then this can
of "hmm, mmm-mmm"...
91
00:05:53,419 --> 00:05:56,287
In heavy syrup...
92
00:05:57,456 --> 00:06:01,960
Jumped out and made
a big dent in the hood.
93
00:06:13,738 --> 00:06:17,241
It was
a freak accident.
94
00:06:22,414 --> 00:06:25,350
What did the owner
of the car have to say?
95
00:06:25,417 --> 00:06:27,885
Nothin'.
Nobody was there.
96
00:06:27,953 --> 00:06:29,887
Nobody was there?
97
00:06:29,955 --> 00:06:31,889
Then you're
in the clear.
98
00:06:31,957 --> 00:06:36,327
After this whole "rigamarole"
here of a story, wherein a man can get ten heart attacks,
99
00:06:36,395 --> 00:06:38,829
it turns out
she's absolutely in the clear.
100
00:06:38,897 --> 00:06:44,402
Forget it.
Oh, Archie, I'm so glad you're not mad.
101
00:06:44,470 --> 00:06:46,404
He's not mad because
he got away with somethin'.
102
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:50,408
So what if somebody
else's car is damaged? Archie bunker saved 30 bucks.
103
00:06:50,476 --> 00:06:54,078
Aw, 30 bucks in a pig's sty.
Tell how much you know about it.
104
00:06:54,146 --> 00:06:57,982
Costs you 30 bucks
nowadays to drive your car into one of them garages.
105
00:06:58,050 --> 00:07:00,751
I'm very glad the guy
didn't know who done it.
106
00:07:00,819 --> 00:07:04,688
Oh, he knows
who done it.
107
00:07:06,758 --> 00:07:10,128
What?
Well, I had to leave a note on the car...
108
00:07:10,195 --> 00:07:12,763
Sayin' how sorry I was.
109
00:07:13,932 --> 00:07:18,136
Edith, you left your name
on the man's car?
110
00:07:18,203 --> 00:07:23,107
With my address and phone
number. I don't believe it.
111
00:07:23,175 --> 00:07:25,776
That was lovely, ma.
I'm proud of you. Yeah, me too.
112
00:07:25,844 --> 00:07:27,778
That kind of honesty's
rare these days.
113
00:07:27,846 --> 00:07:31,916
Sure, it's rare.
Because there's about 14 million people in this country...
114
00:07:31,983 --> 00:07:35,753
To every dingbat
is why it's rare.
115
00:07:35,820 --> 00:07:39,690
Archie, you wouldn't want
some stranger...
116
00:07:39,758 --> 00:07:42,927
To pay for damage
that I caused, would you?
117
00:07:42,994 --> 00:07:45,696
Oh, better him
than me, Edith, huh?
118
00:07:45,764 --> 00:07:48,099
Oh, come on,
arch. Gee. Daddy! Oh, then don't be...
119
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:51,469
Givin' me none of that
holier-than-I stuff over there.
120
00:07:51,537 --> 00:07:55,206
I didn't invent this world.
You wait and you see how far honesty gets you.
121
00:07:55,274 --> 00:07:57,841
That guy's gonna drive into
one of them tricky garages,
122
00:07:57,909 --> 00:08:01,812
which is so common nowadays
you can practically find 'em in the yellow pages...
123
00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:03,814
Under "tricky garage,"
124
00:08:03,882 --> 00:08:07,818
and he's gonna turn
her note into a regular sweepstakes ticket.
125
00:08:07,886 --> 00:08:10,254
Boy, you got some opinion
of mankind.
126
00:08:10,322 --> 00:08:13,857
I ain't knockin' mankind,
but people are somethin' else.
127
00:08:13,925 --> 00:08:17,095
Archie, don't you see?
If everybody felt the way you do--
128
00:08:17,162 --> 00:08:19,697
everybody does.I don't.
129
00:08:19,764 --> 00:08:24,635
That's 'cause you're a meathead.
Now, let me ask you somethin'. You walk into a phone booth.
130
00:08:24,703 --> 00:08:28,372
Suppose you find 30, 40 cents
in the little coin trough there.
131
00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,875
What are you gonna do, give it
back to the phone company?
132
00:08:31,943 --> 00:08:34,312
Uh, wait a second.
What does the phone company got to do with anything?
133
00:08:34,379 --> 00:08:36,314
Come on. Come on.
Answer the question.
134
00:08:36,381 --> 00:08:39,183
I wouldn't give it back
to the phone company. There. You hear that?
135
00:08:39,251 --> 00:08:42,920
It may not belong
to the phone company. That's enough.
136
00:08:42,988 --> 00:08:47,158
It could belong to the last
person who used the phone. Stifle yourself.
137
00:08:47,226 --> 00:08:51,829
I'd try to find them.
Will you stifle yourself.
138
00:08:51,896 --> 00:08:55,099
[ Telephone rings ]I'll get it.
139
00:08:55,167 --> 00:08:57,101
Archie, the answer
to your question--
140
00:08:57,169 --> 00:08:59,970
I'm-- I'm ashamed to say it--
is, I'd keep the 40 cents.
141
00:09:00,038 --> 00:09:02,740
Okay. All right.
Case closed. Oh, no, no.
142
00:09:02,807 --> 00:09:06,944
I mean, so you're standing
in a closet and some money comes out of a wall, so you take it.
143
00:09:07,012 --> 00:09:10,515
I mean, uh, the way we think
of the phone company-- it's not a-- a person. It's a thing.
144
00:09:10,582 --> 00:09:14,485
Stop the baloney. You said
you'd take the money. Yeah, but it's still wrong.
145
00:09:14,553 --> 00:09:16,487
I mean, even though it's
a billion-dollar monopoly...
146
00:09:16,555 --> 00:09:18,489
And I'm only taking a few cents,
it's still wrong.
147
00:09:18,557 --> 00:09:21,792
Daddy, it's like cheating
on your income tax, and that's wrong too.
148
00:09:21,860 --> 00:09:25,296
Listen, little girl,
everybody cheats on their income tax.
149
00:09:25,364 --> 00:09:30,368
The finest people in the country
do that. The government expects you to do that.
150
00:09:30,435 --> 00:09:34,038
That's right. Certain people who
are basically honest do certain dishonest things because...
151
00:09:34,105 --> 00:09:37,675
Everybody does it, and then
pretty soon they wind up like you, not trustin' anybody.
152
00:09:37,742 --> 00:09:39,910
Leave me eat, huh?
Oh, get off my back. Well, it's true!
153
00:09:39,978 --> 00:09:44,048
And we're gonna have company.
Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
154
00:09:44,115 --> 00:09:46,551
Where do you--
what do you mean, company? Who?
155
00:09:46,618 --> 00:09:49,187
John majeski.
156
00:09:49,254 --> 00:09:54,825
Who is John majeski?
That was him on the phone, the man whose car I hit.
157
00:09:54,893 --> 00:09:58,329
The man whose car
you hit you invited over here, Edith?
158
00:09:58,397 --> 00:10:00,331
No. I didn't invite him.
159
00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:05,536
He just was calling
from smitty's garage where he brought his car in for repairs.
160
00:10:05,604 --> 00:10:08,639
He's gonna have somethin' to eat
and come right over.
161
00:10:08,707 --> 00:10:13,711
Oh, sure he's gonna
come right over, Edith, to shake us down here.
162
00:10:13,778 --> 00:10:19,684
The dent in his car is hardly
cold, and he's comin' over here to claim his pound of fish.
163
00:10:19,751 --> 00:10:23,053
How can you know
the guy's not comin' over with an honest estimate?
164
00:10:23,121 --> 00:10:25,823
Because I know what I know.
I'll show you about honest estimates right now.
165
00:10:25,890 --> 00:10:30,094
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna look up and call smitty's garage.
166
00:10:30,161 --> 00:10:32,296
What for?
Right here. To learn you somethin'...
167
00:10:32,364 --> 00:10:34,498
About the way of the world
there, meathead.
168
00:10:34,566 --> 00:10:36,500
Here it is.
Hold the book right now.
169
00:10:36,568 --> 00:10:38,502
Now,
[ Clears throat ]
170
00:10:38,570 --> 00:10:41,004
You're such a big expert
on honesty there, huh? [ Dialing telephone ]
171
00:10:41,072 --> 00:10:45,643
Now, what do you think a dent
and a couple of scratches oughta cost me, huh?
172
00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:49,347
I dunno. Maybe 30,
40 bucks tops. Aw, get out of here.
173
00:10:49,414 --> 00:10:52,350
If I'm gonna pay for it,
that guy'll put in for a whole new paint job.
174
00:10:52,417 --> 00:10:55,720
Dummy up.
[ Clears throat ] Hello, there?
175
00:10:55,787 --> 00:10:57,722
Smitty's garage? Yeah.
176
00:10:57,789 --> 00:11:01,525
Uh, is John majeski there?
177
00:11:01,593 --> 00:11:03,927
Oh, he just left.
178
00:11:03,995 --> 00:11:07,565
Well, maybe you could help me.
Uh, I'm handling his insurance,
179
00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:10,067
and, um--
180
00:11:10,135 --> 00:11:14,272
and I was wondering
what the estimate of the damage was.
181
00:11:14,339 --> 00:11:18,075
Oh, would you do that?
That's very sweet of you.
182
00:11:19,311 --> 00:11:21,245
He's goin' away
to look up the bill.
183
00:11:21,313 --> 00:11:24,982
Wait till you see this.
It's gonna be 75 bucks if it's a penny. Shh.
184
00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:26,984
[ Clears throat ]
Yes?
185
00:11:27,051 --> 00:11:29,219
Yes, I have a pencil handy.
186
00:11:29,288 --> 00:11:31,989
Get out of here!
187
00:11:32,056 --> 00:11:35,993
No, no. Not you.
It was a fly.
188
00:11:41,065 --> 00:11:44,001
Would you repeat
that, please?
189
00:11:44,068 --> 00:11:47,638
Yes. I have the figure.
Thank you very much.
190
00:11:47,706 --> 00:11:50,641
Bye-bye.Well?
191
00:11:50,709 --> 00:11:53,277
Yeah.
$75, huh? No.
192
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:57,080
- I have to admit
that I was wrong. - Yeah. See?
193
00:11:57,148 --> 00:12:00,451
$197!
194
00:12:07,359 --> 00:12:09,727
$197?
195
00:12:09,795 --> 00:12:13,731
One-nine-seven,
wise guy. So much for your honest estimate.
196
00:12:13,799 --> 00:12:17,201
How could a can of peaches
cause all that damage? [ Scoffs ]
197
00:12:17,268 --> 00:12:20,904
Well, maybe it was
the heavy syrup.
198
00:12:29,581 --> 00:12:32,516
Do me a favor and
stifle yourself, huh?
199
00:12:32,584 --> 00:12:36,286
This was all your fault,
like a dope, leavin' your name there.
200
00:12:36,355 --> 00:12:39,623
- She did the right thing.
- I don't want any sermons from you, meathead.
201
00:12:39,691 --> 00:12:43,494
All I want is your help
when this guy majeski gets here. Why me?
202
00:12:43,562 --> 00:12:46,797
Because one polack
feels comfortable with another one.
203
00:12:46,865 --> 00:12:49,567
First of all,
it's "Polish," and second of all,
204
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:52,903
how do you know
the guy's not, uh, Russian or Jewish?
205
00:12:52,971 --> 00:12:55,339
Oh, no.
He ain't Jewish. Well, how do
206
00:12:55,407 --> 00:13:00,578
Because his name's John.
The hebes don't name their kids "John." Never.
207
00:13:03,014 --> 00:13:07,351
Maybe he changed
no, no. His name. Edith, Edith,
208
00:13:07,419 --> 00:13:12,523
They only change the last name.
That way they know each other. You see what I mean?
209
00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:14,525
Two guys are goin'
down the street, right?
210
00:13:14,593 --> 00:13:19,229
One says, "how are you?
My name is Smith, Morris Smith." See how it works?
211
00:13:19,297 --> 00:13:22,433
Like you got Saul Nelson,
Izzy Watson--
212
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:24,435
Abe Lincoln.
213
00:13:32,110 --> 00:13:36,046
I didn't know
Lincoln was Jewish.
214
00:13:42,821 --> 00:13:46,490
Don't argue with me,
please, any of youse.
215
00:13:46,558 --> 00:13:50,528
Don't you see we all
gotta stick together here so we can stop this crook.
216
00:13:50,595 --> 00:13:54,197
Wait a minute. I got an idea.
If this guy's dishonest, he's gonna lie. And if he lies,
217
00:13:54,265 --> 00:13:57,134
he's gonna get mixed up
and give himself away and that's how we catch him.
218
00:13:57,201 --> 00:14:00,304
Isn't that exciting?
Once, on Perry Mason--
219
00:14:00,371 --> 00:14:02,706
will you stifle
yourself.
220
00:14:02,774 --> 00:14:04,708
That ain't
gonna work. Why not?
221
00:14:04,776 --> 00:14:07,411
Because how're we gonna
catch him in a lie? He tells us one story here,
222
00:14:07,479 --> 00:14:09,413
he goes to court,
he tells another story.
223
00:14:09,481 --> 00:14:12,416
- It's our word against his.
- That was Perry Mason's problem.
224
00:14:12,484 --> 00:14:14,585
The jewel thief lied,
225
00:14:14,653 --> 00:14:18,989
but della street
had a tape recording where the thief confessed.
226
00:14:19,057 --> 00:14:22,359
Ma, please.
Hold it. Don't interrupt your mother.
227
00:14:22,427 --> 00:14:25,095
You was makin' sense there
for a minute, Edith.
228
00:14:25,163 --> 00:14:28,966
Let's hear
the rest of it. Well, the man lied,
229
00:14:29,033 --> 00:14:33,771
and della street said,
"here is a tape recording of the whole confession,"
230
00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:35,973
and Perry Mason
jumped up.
231
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:40,978
That's when he was
playing Perry Mason. Now he's "ironsides" and...
232
00:14:46,485 --> 00:14:49,419
He don't jump up
no more.
233
00:14:53,758 --> 00:14:56,026
All right, Edith.
That's just fine.
234
00:14:56,094 --> 00:15:00,430
You gave me my idea.
All right, meathead, go up and get your tape recorder.
235
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:02,432
What are you gonna do,
start playin' Attorney General?
236
00:15:02,501 --> 00:15:04,802
Don't argue with me, huh?
Just get the tape recorder.
237
00:15:04,870 --> 00:15:06,837
Are you gonna
tell this man you're taping his conversation?
238
00:15:06,905 --> 00:15:09,139
Does j. Edgar hoover
tell anybody?
239
00:15:09,207 --> 00:15:13,243
If you don't tell him you're
taping, then you're depriving him of his civil rights.
240
00:15:13,311 --> 00:15:18,382
He ain't colored. He's Polish!
What's civil rights got to do with Polish?
241
00:15:18,449 --> 00:15:22,386
Arch, you're violatinghis rights underthe first amendment.
242
00:15:22,453 --> 00:15:25,155
Who's side are you
on, anyhow, huh? Look at me.
243
00:15:25,223 --> 00:15:29,560
I know I got a lot goin'
against me: I'm white, I'm protestant, I'm hardworkin'.
244
00:15:29,628 --> 00:15:33,230
Can't you find one lousy
amendment to protect me?
245
00:15:33,297 --> 00:15:35,699
[ Door buzzersounding ]There he is now.
246
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:37,668
Gloria, we'll clear the table.
247
00:15:37,736 --> 00:15:39,670
You get your
tape recorder. I'll get the door.
248
00:15:39,738 --> 00:15:43,173
No. If you can't do
what I want you to do, then don't do nothin'. Sit down.
249
00:15:43,241 --> 00:15:45,175
All right.
Youse two, get away from that table there.
250
00:15:45,243 --> 00:15:48,012
Come over hereand stand here.Come on!
251
00:15:48,079 --> 00:15:50,814
Get over here. Right there.
Now, youse, stand there!
252
00:15:50,882 --> 00:15:52,816
[ Buzzer ]Sit down there,
253
00:15:52,884 --> 00:15:55,753
meathead.
254
00:15:55,820 --> 00:15:57,755
Now, I'll answer
the door.
255
00:15:57,822 --> 00:16:00,524
Dummy up there,
meathead.
256
00:16:00,592 --> 00:16:02,927
I'll handle
this here swindler.
257
00:16:07,165 --> 00:16:09,232
Uh, I'm John majeski.
258
00:16:22,513 --> 00:16:24,915
You're kiddin'.
259
00:16:24,983 --> 00:16:28,418
N-no. No. I'm--
I'm father John majeski.
260
00:16:30,555 --> 00:16:32,489
Uh, may--
may I come in?
261
00:16:32,557 --> 00:16:35,258
Yeah, yeah.
Come on in, father. Sure. Come on.
262
00:16:35,326 --> 00:16:38,395
You can meet the family here.
That's my wife, Edith there. How do you do?
263
00:16:38,463 --> 00:16:40,998
My daughter,
Gloria here. Hello.
264
00:16:41,066 --> 00:16:43,634
There's my son-in-law,
Mike stivic over here.
265
00:16:43,702 --> 00:16:47,270
Still want
the tape recorder, arch? Dummy up, will you?
266
00:16:47,338 --> 00:16:49,272
Well, I'm delighted
to meet you, Mrs. bunker.
267
00:16:49,340 --> 00:16:53,744
You know, leaving that note
on my car when you really didn't have to is a Christian act.
268
00:16:53,812 --> 00:16:55,746
Are you a catholic?
No.
269
00:16:55,814 --> 00:16:58,482
Oh. Well, all right.
270
00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:02,853
Uh, may I-- may I sit down?
Yeah. Go ahead. Sit down.
271
00:17:02,921 --> 00:17:06,724
Sit down there,
father, but don't sit in the-- oh.
272
00:17:06,791 --> 00:17:08,726
Go on.
You sit down. [ Sighs ]
273
00:17:08,793 --> 00:17:10,728
Well, that's better.
What a day. What a day.
274
00:17:10,795 --> 00:17:13,396
I-I haven't stopped
for a minute. I've been on the go all day.
275
00:17:13,464 --> 00:17:17,334
Lately things are beginning to
pile up. You know, Mrs. bunker, I have a confession to make.
276
00:17:17,401 --> 00:17:21,238
[ Gasps]
I always wanted to know how that worked.
277
00:17:28,013 --> 00:17:32,382
Uh, what? Oh, I-- oh, I--
"make a con--" oh, that's very funny. That's very funny.
278
00:17:32,450 --> 00:17:34,384
You have a delicious
sense of humor.
279
00:17:34,452 --> 00:17:39,189
She has a delicious
sense of humor. Yeah, she's awful funny.
280
00:17:39,257 --> 00:17:42,192
Uh, Mike, uh, may I
have a word or two with you in private?
281
00:17:42,260 --> 00:17:44,194
Just step
in the kitchen here. Yeah, sure.
282
00:17:44,262 --> 00:17:47,698
Uh, I suppose you'll excuse us,
father? Oh, yes, indeed.
283
00:17:47,766 --> 00:17:52,369
"Make a confession." Oh, I say,
I must remember that one. I must tell that one to the bishop.
284
00:17:52,436 --> 00:17:56,540
That ought to bring a smile
to his face. He hasn't smiled very much lately,
285
00:17:56,607 --> 00:18:02,312
what with father Donovan
being secretly married for seven years,
286
00:18:02,380 --> 00:18:06,316
father callan, poor soul,
sitting in jail,
287
00:18:06,384 --> 00:18:09,086
something to do
with leaflets.
288
00:18:09,154 --> 00:18:11,254
What are you doin'?
What is it? Come here.
289
00:18:11,322 --> 00:18:13,256
I think
we're in luck. What?
290
00:18:13,324 --> 00:18:16,694
This guy is a phony.
How do you know that?
291
00:18:16,761 --> 00:18:18,696
Don't you never
read the papers...
292
00:18:18,763 --> 00:18:23,200
About all them
unflocked priests runnin' around, huh?
293
00:18:23,267 --> 00:18:29,173
This priest here
ain't kosher, and he never was.
294
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:33,376
How do you know?
Did you see the lousy-lookin' suit he's wearin' there?
295
00:18:33,444 --> 00:18:35,579
So what, arch? Maybe it's
the only suit he owns.
296
00:18:35,646 --> 00:18:38,448
Are you kiddin'?
The catholic church owns half the property in New York,
297
00:18:38,516 --> 00:18:41,451
including some of your
finest clothing stores.
298
00:18:41,519 --> 00:18:44,621
Arch, if you have any doubts,
why don't you just ask him for his credentials?
299
00:18:44,689 --> 00:18:47,057
Aw, come on. How the hell
are you gonna do that? Oh, simple. You just walk up...
300
00:18:47,125 --> 00:18:50,127
To him and say, "father,
can I see your cross?"
301
00:18:57,035 --> 00:18:59,970
Get out of here.
Good-bye.
302
00:19:02,073 --> 00:19:04,274
[ Majeski ]
Yes, well, we have a very poor parish. We have to make...
303
00:19:04,342 --> 00:19:08,712
Every penny count, what with
the painting and the fixing and the paperwork.
304
00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:12,783
I-I haven't hardly
time enough for God, much less my parishioners.
305
00:19:12,851 --> 00:19:16,386
You know, lately, sitting in
the confessional, when I should be listening with patience...
306
00:19:16,454 --> 00:19:22,226
And understanding, I-I find
myself thinking, "oh, come on. Come on. Let's get on with it."
307
00:19:24,028 --> 00:19:27,164
Uh, say, uh, [ Clears throat ]
Father there, uh, I'd like to ask you somethin'.
308
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:32,770
Uh-- uh, the other night
down at kelcy's bar we was, uh, discussin' the Bible--
309
00:19:32,837 --> 00:19:36,774
uh, you know, it sometimes
comes up between beers--
310
00:19:38,609 --> 00:19:43,080
and, uh, the boys and me,
we was arguin' about the words to the, uh,
311
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:45,082
23rd psalm.
312
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:47,717
I was wonderin'
if you could help us out as long as you're here.
313
00:19:47,786 --> 00:19:52,389
Ah, yes. 23rd psalm. Ah, um--
well, I know it so well.
314
00:19:52,456 --> 00:19:54,357
I figured you should.
315
00:19:54,425 --> 00:19:57,394
Uh-h-h-- ah!
316
00:19:57,461 --> 00:19:59,396
No. That's not it.
317
00:19:59,463 --> 00:20:01,398
Uh, 23rd psalm?
318
00:20:01,465 --> 00:20:06,670
- Yeah. Two-three.
- I don't seem to be able to remember anything these days.
319
00:20:06,737 --> 00:20:10,874
- "The lord is my Shepherd--"
- who asked you?
320
00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:14,644
Oh, well, that's your 23rd.
That's our 22nd.
321
00:20:14,712 --> 00:20:16,880
Oh, yes. "Lord is my Shepherd,"
"shall not want--" [ Edith ] That's it.
322
00:20:16,948 --> 00:20:20,117
Oh, and, uh, father,
you know, uh, everybody knows, uh, them words,
323
00:20:20,185 --> 00:20:24,054
but the boys and me
was arguin' about the Latin words.
324
00:20:24,122 --> 00:20:26,056
Oh. Well, ah-h-h,
325
00:20:26,124 --> 00:20:30,760
[ speaking Latin ]
326
00:20:30,829 --> 00:20:33,763
Uh, have we come to the word
in question, Mr. bunker?
327
00:20:33,832 --> 00:20:35,966
Well, uh--
328
00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:40,470
uh,
[ Latin ]
329
00:20:40,538 --> 00:20:43,473
Yeah.
[ Latin ] Perfect.
330
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:51,215
You know, Mrs. bunker, I wish we
could just forget all about-- still think he's not a priest?
331
00:20:51,282 --> 00:20:55,953
Maybe he is a priest, but if
he's still after my 197 bucks, he's as crooked as the next guy.
332
00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:58,288
Oh, come on.
I'll find out.
333
00:20:58,356 --> 00:21:01,058
I've been forgetting the most
important thing: People.
334
00:21:01,125 --> 00:21:03,793
Uh, say, uh,
[ Clears throat ] Father there,
335
00:21:03,862 --> 00:21:07,797
uh, not that I want to be
unfriendly or anything like that, but, uh,
336
00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:10,033
what are you
trying to pull?
337
00:21:12,103 --> 00:21:14,604
Uh, I-I'm afraid
I don't understand.
338
00:21:14,672 --> 00:21:16,974
Yeah. You ought to be
ashamed of yourself, a priest doin' what you're doin'.
339
00:21:17,041 --> 00:21:19,409
W-what are you
talking about? Oh, I know. Everybody does it.
340
00:21:19,477 --> 00:21:23,247
Yeah, like, uh,
cheatin' on the phone company, chiselin' on your income taxes,
341
00:21:23,314 --> 00:21:28,285
but you, a man of the cloth,
hidin' behind your hassock,
342
00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:33,490
comin' here tryin' to
turn a dent in a Fender into a pot o' gold.
343
00:21:33,557 --> 00:21:36,159
Mr. bunker, do you mean
to imply-- I mean that I ain't makin'...
344
00:21:36,227 --> 00:21:39,229
No donations
to no catholic charities.
345
00:21:39,297 --> 00:21:42,099
Well, the only way
I can answer that, Mr. bunker, is to quote from the scripture.
346
00:21:42,166 --> 00:21:44,101
"Go from the presence
of the foolish man...
347
00:21:44,168 --> 00:21:46,836
When thou perceivest not
in him the lips of knowledge."
348
00:21:46,905 --> 00:21:51,975
- What does that mean?
- It means, "don't waste your time arguing with an idiot."
349
00:21:58,482 --> 00:22:02,185
Well, I'll be on my way
just as soon as you pay the bill.
350
00:22:02,253 --> 00:22:06,456
The bill you can send on
to the pope, who's got more money than God.
351
00:22:06,524 --> 00:22:09,927
- Archie!
- It's a well-known fact.
352
00:22:09,994 --> 00:22:13,596
Let's-- let's not have
any more words about this, Mr. bunker. I'll, uh,
353
00:22:13,664 --> 00:22:15,598
I'll take care
of it myself.
354
00:22:15,666 --> 00:22:19,702
Father, all that money.
It's not so much money. It's only $14.
355
00:22:19,770 --> 00:22:22,039
What do you mean
only $14?
356
00:22:22,106 --> 00:22:24,374
Then why did the garage
tell daddy 197?
357
00:22:24,442 --> 00:22:27,444
- Sh-h-hush!
- You called the garage?
358
00:22:27,511 --> 00:22:30,948
Yes. He did,
and they told him $197.
359
00:22:32,050 --> 00:22:34,617
Oh-h-h. I see what's
been troubling you.
360
00:22:34,685 --> 00:22:38,355
Look. I was having
an engine overhaul for $183,
361
00:22:38,423 --> 00:22:40,824
the damage your wife
caused was $14,
362
00:22:40,891 --> 00:22:42,826
that's $197.
363
00:22:42,893 --> 00:22:46,596
The parish is so broke
the bishop was going to pay the 183,
364
00:22:46,664 --> 00:22:50,000
but since you seem...
Unwilling to assume your responsibilities, Mr. bunker,
365
00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:52,936
I suppose I'll--
I'll have to pay the rest,
366
00:22:53,004 --> 00:22:54,938
take it out of
my own pocket.
367
00:22:55,006 --> 00:22:56,940
Good night.
368
00:22:57,008 --> 00:23:00,143
Archie, we can afford $14.
Oh, all right. All right. All right. Leave me alone.
369
00:23:00,211 --> 00:23:02,145
Hey, hey,
father, uh,
370
00:23:02,213 --> 00:23:04,781
uh, I suppose if it's only,
uh, $14, I can make it.
371
00:23:04,849 --> 00:23:06,783
No, no, no. Please--
372
00:23:06,851 --> 00:23:11,488
please, Mr. bunker, I--
I don't want your money.
373
00:23:21,399 --> 00:23:23,333
However,
374
00:23:30,808 --> 00:23:35,445
I'll take that $14 and make
a donation in your name to catholic charities.
375
00:23:36,514 --> 00:23:38,448
Oh.
376
00:23:38,516 --> 00:23:40,450
Yeah. Well, um,
377
00:23:40,518 --> 00:23:42,785
I only got a five
and a ten here, father.
378
00:23:42,853 --> 00:23:44,787
I've got a dollar.
379
00:23:48,826 --> 00:23:52,262
Good night.
Good night. [ Edith ]
380
00:23:52,330 --> 00:23:54,264
Good-bye,
father. So long.
381
00:24:03,141 --> 00:24:05,808
What's the matter,
daddy? Don't you feel well?
382
00:24:05,876 --> 00:24:08,545
Oh, he's all right.
Just a little indigestion.
383
00:24:08,612 --> 00:24:11,114
Comes from eating
his own words.
384
00:24:18,122 --> 00:24:20,290
Here's your
dessert, Archie.
385
00:24:20,358 --> 00:24:22,625
Yeah, all right, Edith.
Leave it there.
386
00:24:22,693 --> 00:24:25,062
What do you got,
anyway?
387
00:24:35,139 --> 00:24:38,575
Oh, a nice big bowl
of "mm-hmm."
388
00:24:41,512 --> 00:24:43,447
Take it away, huh?
389
00:24:56,794 --> 00:24:59,229
I bought 11 cans.
390
00:25:21,619 --> 00:25:26,789
[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
391
00:25:26,839 --> 00:25:31,389
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