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1
00:00:02,735 --> 00:00:04,669
[ Announcer ]
From television city in Hollywood.
2
00:00:04,737 --> 00:00:08,439
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
3
00:00:08,507 --> 00:00:12,143
♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪
4
00:00:12,211 --> 00:00:16,014
♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪
5
00:00:16,082 --> 00:00:19,217
[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪
6
00:00:20,552 --> 00:00:24,222
♪ and you knew where you were then ♪
7
00:00:24,289 --> 00:00:27,826
[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪
8
00:00:27,893 --> 00:00:30,294
[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪
9
00:00:30,362 --> 00:00:34,633
♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪
10
00:00:34,700 --> 00:00:38,069
[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪
11
00:00:38,137 --> 00:00:41,572
[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪
12
00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:45,910
[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪
13
00:00:45,978 --> 00:00:51,783
♪ those were the days ♪
14
00:02:06,826 --> 00:02:10,595
oh, Archie.
It's 2:15 in the morning.
15
00:02:10,662 --> 00:02:12,831
What are you doing up ?
16
00:02:12,898 --> 00:02:16,500
I'm playin' musical
milk bottles here, Edith.
17
00:02:16,568 --> 00:02:19,771
How come you got
three bottles here, and between them all,
18
00:02:19,839 --> 00:02:23,007
a man can't get one
full glass of milk ?
19
00:02:23,075 --> 00:02:26,845
I-I guess it's because
we don't finish one bottle all the way...
20
00:02:26,912 --> 00:02:29,948
Before we open
the next.
21
00:02:30,015 --> 00:02:32,951
I guess that must be it,
Edith.
22
00:02:34,553 --> 00:02:37,488
You know,
it's the little things that torture a person.
23
00:02:37,556 --> 00:02:40,691
You haven't been
to sleep yet.
24
00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:45,496
Even in bed,
you didn't sleep. How did you know that ?
25
00:02:45,564 --> 00:02:48,900
Because when you sleep,
you snore and kick,
26
00:02:48,968 --> 00:02:52,036
and when it's very quiet
and I'm not gettin' hurt much,
27
00:02:52,104 --> 00:02:55,173
I know you ain't asleep.
28
00:02:58,510 --> 00:03:00,711
Is there something
on your mind ?
29
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:04,048
Edith, I just got
a little simple indigestion, that's all.
30
00:03:04,116 --> 00:03:07,018
Did you eat something
that didn't agree with you ?
31
00:03:07,086 --> 00:03:09,788
Only your dinner, Edith.
32
00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:17,862
I thought I heard
voices down here. What's going on ?
33
00:03:17,930 --> 00:03:19,864
"What's going on ?"
34
00:03:19,932 --> 00:03:23,334
Your mother-in-law and me
are runnin' away together.
35
00:03:23,402 --> 00:03:26,737
What's bugging you ?
I just never seen you up this late, that's all.
36
00:03:26,806 --> 00:03:29,607
Well, it don't need
no big explanation.
37
00:03:29,675 --> 00:03:31,676
And shut that yap,
will you !
38
00:03:31,743 --> 00:03:35,246
You just woke up,
and you ain't no breath of spring, you know.
39
00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:41,853
What's going on ?
How come everybody's up ?
40
00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:44,689
Now, look at this.
Will you answer me.
41
00:03:44,756 --> 00:03:48,860
Can't youse two get
a second pair of pajamas ?
42
00:03:51,263 --> 00:03:55,033
Or would that destroy
something beautiful in your marriage ?
43
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,702
I'm not even awake yet,
and he's picking.
44
00:03:57,769 --> 00:04:00,905
Yeah, because
it ain't decent going to bed that way.
45
00:04:00,973 --> 00:04:04,542
- Archie, they're married.
- So are we married.
46
00:04:04,609 --> 00:04:08,379
And we go to bed
fully dressed.
47
00:04:08,447 --> 00:04:11,216
I told you
to shut that yap.
48
00:04:13,853 --> 00:04:18,323
Hey, what's buggin' him ?
Somethin' bothering him ?
49
00:04:18,390 --> 00:04:20,892
Oh, I thought so,
but he said no,
50
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,894
but I still think so.
51
00:04:29,301 --> 00:04:32,070
My sandwich !
52
00:04:32,137 --> 00:04:34,873
Well,
I don't want it now.
53
00:04:36,275 --> 00:04:38,343
What's the matter,
Archie ?
54
00:04:38,410 --> 00:04:40,711
There's gotta be
something on your mind.
55
00:04:40,779 --> 00:04:45,216
Edith, there's nothin'
on my mind now, absolutely nothin'.
56
00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:48,552
[ Phone ringing ]I'll get that. It'll get that. I'll get that. Stay away.
57
00:04:48,620 --> 00:04:51,089
[ Ringing ]
58
00:04:51,156 --> 00:04:53,491
Hello, feeney.
59
00:04:53,558 --> 00:04:57,095
Huh ? Now, wait a minute.
Who's this ?
60
00:04:57,162 --> 00:05:00,164
No, no, no, no.
There ain't no Valerie here.
61
00:05:00,232 --> 00:05:03,034
No, Mac, there ain't
no Mary Lou neither.
62
00:05:03,102 --> 00:05:05,770
No, you see,
you got the wrong number.
63
00:05:05,837 --> 00:05:08,773
Yeah, yeah. What ?
64
00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:11,776
No, nobody in this house
wrote this number...
65
00:05:11,843 --> 00:05:14,946
On the wall of the toilet
at the elks' club.
66
00:05:17,249 --> 00:05:19,951
Dry yourself out, huh ?
67
00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:23,621
Archie, are you expecting
a call at this late hour ?
68
00:05:23,688 --> 00:05:25,623
Not necessarily.
69
00:05:25,690 --> 00:05:29,294
But you said
something about feeney when you answered.
70
00:05:29,361 --> 00:05:31,362
Did you mean
Harry feeney ?
71
00:05:31,430 --> 00:05:33,932
What's with
the third degree, huh ?
72
00:05:33,999 --> 00:05:37,001
I told you, I ain't
expectin' no phone call. [ Phone rings ]
73
00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:39,971
I'll get that.
Keep away from there, meathead !
74
00:05:41,606 --> 00:05:44,142
Feeney ?
75
00:05:44,209 --> 00:05:47,979
Oh, gee. No, buddy.
This ain't Mary Lou's brother.
76
00:05:48,047 --> 00:05:51,215
Wait a minute.
Listen to me. You're drunk, see ?
77
00:05:51,283 --> 00:05:55,553
Your brain is soaked in booze,
and you don't know what you're doing.
78
00:05:55,620 --> 00:05:59,157
Don't call this number
no more tonight, will ya.
79
00:05:59,224 --> 00:06:03,328
Go back to the toilet wall
and get yourself another number.
80
00:06:09,234 --> 00:06:13,671
Why are youse all
staring at me, huh ? Why don't youse go to bed ?
81
00:06:13,738 --> 00:06:16,341
We can't go to bed
when you're troubled, daddy.
82
00:06:16,408 --> 00:06:20,911
We want to help you.
You wanna help me with something that troubles me ?
83
00:06:20,980 --> 00:06:25,649
Would you put something
on yourself and make yourself respectable.
84
00:06:25,717 --> 00:06:29,454
If that thing
was any shorter, it'd be a scarf.
85
00:06:29,521 --> 00:06:33,191
Come on, Gloria, let's go.
We get enough of that talk during the day.
86
00:06:33,258 --> 00:06:36,027
We don't have to listen
to it at night too. Good night, daddy.
87
00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:39,697
[ Edith ]
Good night. Good night, mom.
88
00:06:41,766 --> 00:06:43,701
Archie.
89
00:06:45,137 --> 00:06:49,374
Would you get mad at me
if I was to ask you something ?
90
00:06:49,441 --> 00:06:53,144
Only if it was something
that makes me mad, Edith.
91
00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:56,981
Are you worried
about your job ?
92
00:06:57,049 --> 00:06:59,517
That makes me mad.
93
00:06:59,584 --> 00:07:01,519
You are worried.
94
00:07:01,586 --> 00:07:04,322
Tell me, what is it ?
Edith, it's nothing.
95
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:06,324
It's just that, uh,
96
00:07:06,392 --> 00:07:10,694
well, the company announced
that they're having a 20 percent cutback in personnel.
97
00:07:10,762 --> 00:07:14,465
That's all.
I think it's gonna hit my department pretty hard.
98
00:07:14,533 --> 00:07:16,367
Oh, Archie.
99
00:07:16,435 --> 00:07:19,370
Hold it, hold it, Edith.
I ain't worried about it.
100
00:07:19,438 --> 00:07:22,306
Take it easy.
You know me.
101
00:07:22,374 --> 00:07:25,910
I could get another job
in ten minutes, if it came to that.
102
00:07:25,977 --> 00:07:29,414
It's just, uh, it's just
some of the other guys I work with, that's all.
103
00:07:29,481 --> 00:07:31,449
I'm worried about them.
104
00:07:31,517 --> 00:07:35,153
Like there's little Emanuel.
He's puerto rican.
105
00:07:35,220 --> 00:07:37,988
One leg is shorter
than the other.
106
00:07:38,057 --> 00:07:40,525
I mean, who wants a spick
with a bum leg ?
107
00:07:47,499 --> 00:07:49,867
And then you got elmo.
108
00:07:49,935 --> 00:07:53,538
Fifty-six years of age,
black as the ace of spades.
109
00:07:53,605 --> 00:07:56,907
I mean, there ain't many places
a guy like that can go.
110
00:07:56,975 --> 00:07:58,909
Then you got
stretch Cunningham.
111
00:07:58,977 --> 00:08:01,045
Well, he's white,
ain't he ?
112
00:08:01,113 --> 00:08:04,282
Yeah, but with an I.Q.
Of about one.
113
00:08:07,152 --> 00:08:10,354
These guys have been working
under me for a lot of years, Edith.
114
00:08:10,422 --> 00:08:13,057
It's them
that I'm worried about.
115
00:08:13,125 --> 00:08:16,127
Well, what does Harry feeney
got to do with it ?
116
00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:18,696
Harry feeney's
the night watchman, see.
117
00:08:18,763 --> 00:08:22,900
Day after tomorrow they're
gonna come out with a list of who gets the ax.
118
00:08:22,968 --> 00:08:25,636
So tonight when feeney's
makin' his rounds, punching his clocks,
119
00:08:25,704 --> 00:08:28,306
he's gonna poke around
in the executive offices...
120
00:08:28,373 --> 00:08:30,374
And try and get
the scoop first.
121
00:08:30,442 --> 00:08:33,877
He's supposed to call me
here during the night.
122
00:08:33,945 --> 00:08:36,481
And-and you're
staying up all night...
123
00:08:36,548 --> 00:08:40,651
To find out about
little Emanuel and elmo ?
124
00:08:40,719 --> 00:08:42,987
Yes, Edith.
Stretch Cunningham too.
125
00:08:43,054 --> 00:08:44,989
[ Gloria ]
Ma ? Yeah ?
126
00:08:45,056 --> 00:08:48,593
Stifle yourself
about this to the kids. Oh, sure.
127
00:08:48,660 --> 00:08:51,395
What are youse
doing up again ? We couldn't sleep.
128
00:08:51,463 --> 00:08:54,098
I-I think I'd better
make a pot of coffee.
129
00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:56,100
I'll help you, ma.
130
00:08:58,337 --> 00:09:03,007
Ma ? Michael found
this newspaper clipping on the bathroom floor.
131
00:09:03,074 --> 00:09:06,344
I-it must have fallen out
of daddy's bathrobe.
132
00:09:06,411 --> 00:09:10,181
It's about his company
cutting back personnel.
133
00:09:10,249 --> 00:09:13,351
That's why he can't sleep
tonight, isn't it ?
134
00:09:14,819 --> 00:09:16,854
Oh, yeah.
135
00:09:16,921 --> 00:09:20,191
But you ain't supposed
to know about this.
136
00:09:20,259 --> 00:09:23,060
Oh, I hope Mike
don't say nothin'.
137
00:09:23,128 --> 00:09:27,565
Ah, don't worry, ma.
Michael understands. He's very tactful.
138
00:09:45,384 --> 00:09:48,186
What the hell
is that all about ?
139
00:09:48,253 --> 00:09:51,722
Nothin'.
I was just lookin' at ya, I was thinkin' about ya.
140
00:09:51,790 --> 00:09:54,559
I was thinkin' about
how good you look.
141
00:09:54,626 --> 00:09:57,728
No, seriously.What are you, 47,48 years old ?
142
00:09:57,796 --> 00:09:59,930
You don't look
a day over 40.
143
00:10:01,132 --> 00:10:03,434
You know,you're lucky, Archie.
144
00:10:03,502 --> 00:10:06,204
This is the prime
of your life.
145
00:10:06,271 --> 00:10:08,573
You are in the best years
of your life.
146
00:10:08,640 --> 00:10:11,875
You-- you're strong.
You've got your health.
147
00:10:11,943 --> 00:10:13,877
You're in great shape.
148
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:18,882
- Edith, you told 'em !
- What ?
149
00:10:18,950 --> 00:10:21,752
You told 'em,
and I asked you not to ! Oh, no, Archie.
150
00:10:21,820 --> 00:10:25,089
Honest, nobody
told me anything. Edith. Edith.
151
00:10:25,156 --> 00:10:27,925
I'd like to look as good
as you when I'm old-- older, older.
152
00:10:27,992 --> 00:10:30,261
I meant older.
You see that ?
153
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:35,099
You're out of my sight
for one minute, and the tongue is wagging the whole dog !
154
00:10:35,166 --> 00:10:38,769
Daddy, it wasn't mom.
It was this newspaper clipping.
155
00:10:38,837 --> 00:10:42,973
Give me that !
Michael and I aren't fools. We can see you're worried.
156
00:10:43,041 --> 00:10:45,276
Let me tell you something
for your own information.
157
00:10:45,344 --> 00:10:48,646
It ain't myself
that I'm worried about. Now, tell her, Edith.
158
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:53,384
Oh, no, no,
he ain't worried about himself.
159
00:10:53,452 --> 00:10:58,289
He's just worried
about poor little Emanuel with the short leg...
160
00:10:58,357 --> 00:11:02,025
And stretch Cunningham
and very black elmo.
161
00:11:05,897 --> 00:11:07,831
That's right.
162
00:11:07,899 --> 00:11:09,933
Even if I was
to lose my job,
163
00:11:10,001 --> 00:11:12,970
which there ain't no chance
of that because I'm in so solid with the bosses,
164
00:11:13,037 --> 00:11:15,473
I could get another one
in about ten minutes.
165
00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:17,975
So don't give me
the cow eyes, will ya ?
166
00:11:18,042 --> 00:11:21,145
Just save your concern
for them that needs it. Aw, come on, daddy.
167
00:11:21,212 --> 00:11:25,182
No matter what's bothering you,
why can't you share it with your own family ?
168
00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:26,984
That's right, Archie.
169
00:11:27,051 --> 00:11:31,822
Because a man don't bring
his problems home, that's why.
170
00:11:31,890 --> 00:11:35,159
Oh, I never heard
such old-fashioned garbage.
171
00:11:35,226 --> 00:11:38,329
Thank heavens
that's not the way it is with my marriage.
172
00:11:38,397 --> 00:11:41,999
My husband's
not afraid to bring home his troubles to me,
173
00:11:42,066 --> 00:11:44,835
to cry in my lap
if he feels like it,
174
00:11:44,903 --> 00:11:47,338
to weep in my arms.
Gloria.
175
00:11:47,406 --> 00:11:50,841
Why, he's not ashamed
to show grief if he feels it.
176
00:11:50,909 --> 00:11:54,077
Gloria.
To kick his feet and bang his hands.
177
00:11:54,145 --> 00:11:56,681
Gloria, shut up.
178
00:11:56,748 --> 00:11:58,683
Well, it's true.
179
00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:02,353
Try telling her, "stifle."
She's heard that all her life.
180
00:12:02,421 --> 00:12:05,856
It stops them cold
the first time.
181
00:12:05,924 --> 00:12:08,359
I didn't mean to say
"shut up" to you,
182
00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:10,861
but you wouldn't let me
get a word in.
183
00:12:10,929 --> 00:12:13,197
I was goin' overboard ?
Yes, I would say so.
184
00:12:13,264 --> 00:12:16,534
I'm sorry, Michael.
It's all right. Don't worry.
185
00:12:16,601 --> 00:12:18,536
[ Mike ]It's okay.Archie.
186
00:12:18,603 --> 00:12:21,872
Isn't that nice,
the way they come to an understanding ?
187
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:29,947
We could take a lesson
from them.
188
00:12:30,014 --> 00:12:32,550
You need your sleep,
Edith.
189
00:12:35,286 --> 00:12:37,555
[ Phone rings ]
[ Archie ] I'll get that.
190
00:12:37,622 --> 00:12:39,724
That's all right, daddy.
I'll get it.
191
00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:42,793
Hello ?
Who do you want ? Valerie ?
192
00:12:42,861 --> 00:12:46,897
[ Breathy voice ]
She's busy right now. This is Mary Lou.
193
00:12:46,965 --> 00:12:48,899
Give me that !
194
00:12:54,205 --> 00:12:56,407
Very funny.
195
00:12:56,475 --> 00:12:59,477
Now I'm gonna have
this drunk on the phone the whole night long.
196
00:13:02,814 --> 00:13:05,716
Now, listen, Mac.
Now, wait a minute.
197
00:13:05,784 --> 00:13:08,386
No, I ain't gonna put
Mary Lou back on the phone.
198
00:13:08,453 --> 00:13:11,255
There ain't
no Mary Lou here ! Will you give up--
199
00:13:11,322 --> 00:13:14,191
[ doorbell ringing ]What the hellis going on here ?
200
00:13:14,259 --> 00:13:16,994
Doorbell's ringing
in the middle of the night, I got a dipso on my phone !
201
00:13:17,061 --> 00:13:19,497
This is a nightmare.
202
00:13:19,564 --> 00:13:21,499
Oh, hi, Dave.
Hi, Mrs. bunker.
203
00:13:21,566 --> 00:13:23,768
I noticed
all your lights on. Everything okay ?
204
00:13:23,835 --> 00:13:27,104
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Is that Dave the cop there ?
205
00:13:27,171 --> 00:13:30,274
Come on in, Dave.
I got something here for you.
206
00:13:30,341 --> 00:13:32,777
I got a dirty caller
on the line.
207
00:13:32,844 --> 00:13:36,680
You take it.
Edith, come over here, will ya.
208
00:13:36,748 --> 00:13:39,884
I don't like it at all
that feeney ain't called.
209
00:13:39,951 --> 00:13:42,185
I'm kinda worried.
Oh, Archie.
210
00:13:42,253 --> 00:13:45,456
Could I get you some toast
and a cup of coffee ?
211
00:13:45,524 --> 00:13:47,792
No, nothin' like that.
212
00:13:47,859 --> 00:13:50,294
How 'bout
some poached eggs ?
213
00:13:50,361 --> 00:13:54,364
Edith, the answer
to every problem ain't somethin' to eat.
214
00:13:55,767 --> 00:13:58,702
I couldn't hold nothin'
on my stomach anyhow.
215
00:13:58,770 --> 00:14:02,406
Oh, Archie,
don't worry.
216
00:14:02,474 --> 00:14:04,975
Even if worse
comes to worst,
217
00:14:05,043 --> 00:14:07,311
remember our mothers
and fathers.
218
00:14:07,378 --> 00:14:10,948
They lived through
the big depression, and they made it.
219
00:14:12,951 --> 00:14:16,887
I'll never forget
the way it hit my old man.
220
00:14:16,955 --> 00:14:20,591
There he was,
a breadwinner all them years,
221
00:14:20,659 --> 00:14:23,160
and then-- and then
just like that,
222
00:14:23,227 --> 00:14:25,663
the paychecks,
they stopped coming.
223
00:14:25,730 --> 00:14:29,834
Why ?
He was always asking, "why ?"
224
00:14:29,901 --> 00:14:34,104
And nobody could tell him.
It was awful.
225
00:14:34,172 --> 00:14:36,340
Oh, yeah,
sure it was, Archie,
226
00:14:36,407 --> 00:14:38,342
but look at you.
227
00:14:38,409 --> 00:14:40,911
You came through it
real good.
228
00:14:40,979 --> 00:14:44,414
Edith, gee,
I was only a kid.
229
00:14:46,017 --> 00:14:48,352
My old man
never got over it.
230
00:14:49,654 --> 00:14:52,189
Took the heart
right out of him.
231
00:14:53,424 --> 00:14:56,426
And he wasn't all that old
neither, you know.
232
00:14:58,162 --> 00:15:01,565
He was just about
my age now. [ Dave hangs up phone ]
233
00:15:01,633 --> 00:15:04,869
You won't have to worry
about that drunk calling no more, Archie.
234
00:15:04,936 --> 00:15:08,038
Thanks, Dave.
He's coming over here. I gave him your address.
235
00:15:08,106 --> 00:15:10,374
Coming over here ?
236
00:15:10,441 --> 00:15:13,844
Sure, when he gets here,
I'll slap the cuffs on him.
237
00:15:13,912 --> 00:15:17,180
Gonna be quite a night,
ain't it, huh ?
238
00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:40,237
- You like being a cop,
don't you, Dave ? - You want the truth ?
239
00:15:40,304 --> 00:15:42,239
I love it.
240
00:15:42,306 --> 00:15:45,910
Call me the fuzz, call me pig,
I really love it.
241
00:15:45,977 --> 00:15:49,880
I can tell you why
in two words: Job security.
242
00:15:49,948 --> 00:15:51,882
Oh, jeez.
243
00:15:53,284 --> 00:15:56,587
I better get
the coffee.
244
00:15:56,655 --> 00:16:00,591
You know, when I was a kid,
my dad wanted me to go into his business.
245
00:16:00,659 --> 00:16:04,595
When he heard that I
was gonna become a cop, he hated my guts.
246
00:16:04,663 --> 00:16:08,599
- How'd you know that ?
- He told me, "Dave, I hate your guts."
247
00:16:11,102 --> 00:16:15,272
You know, I got four cousins,
all my age, guys with families,
248
00:16:15,339 --> 00:16:18,042
all laid off
in the last year.
249
00:16:18,109 --> 00:16:22,880
Who knows when they'll work
again ? With the economy the way it is, it could be never.
250
00:16:22,948 --> 00:16:25,683
But we civil servants--
251
00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:28,118
♪ we just keep rolling ♪
252
00:16:28,186 --> 00:16:30,621
♪ we keep on rolling ♪
253
00:16:30,689 --> 00:16:33,290
Dave,
switch that off, huh ?
254
00:16:34,859 --> 00:16:37,527
You ain't exactly
"jan feerce," you know.
255
00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:41,131
[ Doorbell rings ]That's him, Dave.What do we do ?
256
00:16:41,199 --> 00:16:43,968
Let him in and get him
started talkin', then I'll nab him.
257
00:16:44,035 --> 00:16:46,637
Go on.
I'll hide back here. Okay. Shush.
258
00:16:50,909 --> 00:16:54,144
Mrs. weidermeyer,
what are you doing up at 3:30 in the morning ?
259
00:16:54,212 --> 00:16:58,281
I'm a night person,
Mr. bunker. I didn't know you were.
260
00:16:58,349 --> 00:17:01,819
May I come in ?
Oh, you're all night people.
261
00:17:01,886 --> 00:17:03,821
Hello,
Mrs. weidermeyer.
262
00:17:03,888 --> 00:17:06,056
Coffee's ready.
263
00:17:06,124 --> 00:17:09,159
Oh, hello, Edith.
I didn't know you were a night person too.
264
00:17:09,227 --> 00:17:12,496
Hi, Clara.
What are you doing up at this hour ?
265
00:17:12,563 --> 00:17:14,665
I just came back
from a date.
266
00:17:14,733 --> 00:17:17,001
A plumber
who likes widows.
267
00:17:17,068 --> 00:17:20,570
He took me to a house party
in the Bronx.
268
00:17:20,639 --> 00:17:24,241
Twelve people.
All the men were plumbers.
269
00:17:27,078 --> 00:17:30,848
Anyway, I invited him
in to my house for a cup of coffee,
270
00:17:30,915 --> 00:17:33,117
but I'm all out of coffee.
271
00:17:33,184 --> 00:17:36,687
Your lights were on,
so I thought maybe I could borrow some.
272
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:38,922
Oh, Clara, I'm sorry.
273
00:17:38,990 --> 00:17:42,126
I just made a pot
and I used it all up.
274
00:17:42,193 --> 00:17:45,362
Why don't you ask him
over here for a cup ?
275
00:17:45,429 --> 00:17:48,198
That'd be wonderful.
Hold it, hold it, Mrs. weidermeyer.
276
00:17:48,266 --> 00:17:51,268
I don't mind you being here
because you're a friend of my wife's,
277
00:17:51,335 --> 00:17:54,138
but I don't want strangers
running around the house this time of night.
278
00:17:54,205 --> 00:17:56,674
You understand ?
Oh, sure.
279
00:17:56,741 --> 00:17:59,710
Clara, it's too bad
you can't have a cup yourself.
280
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:02,913
- Actually, I can.
- What about the plumber ?
281
00:18:02,981 --> 00:18:05,916
May I use your phone ?
I'll call and tell him.
282
00:18:07,285 --> 00:18:09,887
Uh, the fact is,
Mrs. weidermeyer,
283
00:18:09,954 --> 00:18:12,956
I'm expecting
a telephone call myself at almost any moment,
284
00:18:13,024 --> 00:18:14,958
and I'd like to keep
that line free.
285
00:18:15,026 --> 00:18:19,629
I know what you mean.
Hello, Harold ?
286
00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:24,234
Harold, this is Clara.
Thank you for answering the telephone in my house.
287
00:18:25,636 --> 00:18:29,239
Listen, Harold,
our date is over now.
288
00:18:32,543 --> 00:18:34,578
I'm gonna stay here
with the neighbors for a while,
289
00:18:34,645 --> 00:18:36,580
so you go home.
290
00:18:38,817 --> 00:18:41,484
I know you didn't
kiss me good night.
291
00:18:41,552 --> 00:18:44,788
That's the way
the cookie crumples.
292
00:18:46,324 --> 00:18:50,594
I don't like to slur
a whole race, but plumbers sure are pushy.
293
00:18:51,896 --> 00:18:55,432
Sit down, Clara,
and I'll pour you some coffee.
294
00:18:55,499 --> 00:18:57,735
[ Doorbell rings ]Dave, there he is.
295
00:18:57,802 --> 00:18:59,737
All set, arch.
296
00:18:59,804 --> 00:19:02,539
Oh, Edith, there's a cop
in your living room !
297
00:19:02,607 --> 00:19:05,776
Dummy up, will you !
We're trying to make a pinch.
298
00:19:05,844 --> 00:19:08,078
[ Doorbell rings ]
299
00:19:08,146 --> 00:19:11,115
Pizza king.
Pizza king ?
300
00:19:11,182 --> 00:19:13,117
That's what I said.
301
00:19:13,184 --> 00:19:16,620
I've got a mozzarella,
and I got a sausage-- wait a minute, kid !
302
00:19:16,687 --> 00:19:19,623
We didn't order
no pizza here. I ordered it, arch.
303
00:19:19,690 --> 00:19:22,126
You ordered a pizza ?
Do you hear that, Edith ?
304
00:19:22,193 --> 00:19:24,628
This guy orders pizza
at 4:00 in the morning.
305
00:19:24,695 --> 00:19:28,132
You got no control
over events in this house. What is the matter with you ?
306
00:19:28,199 --> 00:19:30,300
Come over here.
Listen.
307
00:19:30,368 --> 00:19:33,470
Feeney ain't called yet,
and I'm scared that the news is gonna be bad.
308
00:19:33,537 --> 00:19:36,774
Oh, Archie, they say
no news is good news.
309
00:19:36,841 --> 00:19:39,176
[ Doorbell rings ]There he is.Sit down there.
310
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:41,178
Now, don't say nothing,
Mrs. weidermeyer.
311
00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:43,247
Dave, we're ready.
Dave ?
312
00:19:43,314 --> 00:19:46,449
Put down that pizzaand come on, will ya !All set, arch.
313
00:19:46,517 --> 00:19:49,486
Get back up therein your hiding place.
314
00:19:51,522 --> 00:19:53,456
Hi, fella.
315
00:19:55,293 --> 00:19:58,262
Come on in.
We're waitin' for you.
316
00:19:58,329 --> 00:20:00,998
[ Laughing ]
317
00:20:01,065 --> 00:20:05,169
Valerie !
Oh, Archie !
318
00:20:05,236 --> 00:20:08,672
Mary Lou ?
He's talking dirty. There it is, Dave !
319
00:20:08,739 --> 00:20:10,841
Put them cuffs on him.
Hey, Dave.
320
00:20:10,909 --> 00:20:12,976
I didn't see you
standing there.
321
00:20:13,044 --> 00:20:17,514
Why didn't you say hello ?
I didn't want to butt in while you was talkin', sir.
322
00:20:17,581 --> 00:20:20,851
- Dave, do you know this lush ?
- He's my sergeant.
323
00:20:20,919 --> 00:20:23,687
Your sergeant ?
324
00:20:23,754 --> 00:20:26,690
What's going on here ?
Where's the party ?
325
00:20:26,757 --> 00:20:30,527
There's no party, sarge.
Just a regular family.
326
00:20:30,594 --> 00:20:33,831
Oh, no.
A real family ?
327
00:20:33,898 --> 00:20:36,867
Oh, I feel rotten
about this.
328
00:20:36,935 --> 00:20:41,038
It happens every time
I go out and I toast a friend or two.
329
00:20:41,105 --> 00:20:45,542
But it's
so self-destructive !
330
00:20:45,609 --> 00:20:50,047
And I've made--
I've made such a spectacle of myself !
331
00:20:50,114 --> 00:20:52,515
I don't believe this.
332
00:20:54,518 --> 00:20:56,453
I'll go.
333
00:20:56,520 --> 00:21:00,657
But I hope you people won't
let this change your feelings about the police.
334
00:21:00,725 --> 00:21:04,728
Oh, no,
won't change my feelings about the police.
335
00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:12,903
Good boy, son.
Come on, sergeant. We'll get some air.
336
00:21:12,971 --> 00:21:15,072
Thanks a lot, Dave.
337
00:21:15,139 --> 00:21:17,074
Okay, arch.
338
00:21:20,278 --> 00:21:22,212
Ohh !
339
00:21:24,582 --> 00:21:28,085
I think I'll go home now.
I think that would bea very good idea.
340
00:21:28,152 --> 00:21:31,255
Good night, Clara.
Good night, Edith.
341
00:21:31,322 --> 00:21:34,091
You know,
I didn't understand...
342
00:21:34,158 --> 00:21:36,426
One thing
that went on here.
343
00:21:38,662 --> 00:21:42,032
Feeney ! I thought
you was gonna call me ! What are you doing here ?
344
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:45,435
Come on in, feeney.
Edith, here he is.
345
00:21:45,503 --> 00:21:48,105
Say hello
to Harry feeney.
346
00:21:48,172 --> 00:21:50,173
We was waiting
for you to call.
347
00:21:50,241 --> 00:21:52,542
All right, tell us.
What do you know ?
348
00:21:52,610 --> 00:21:55,112
First of all,
I couldn't call any earlier.
349
00:21:55,179 --> 00:21:58,782
You see,
as I make my rounds, I have to stick my key...
350
00:21:58,849 --> 00:22:00,918
In all these
different gizmos.
351
00:22:00,985 --> 00:22:05,055
I have to get to them on time
because they register when I've been there.
352
00:22:05,123 --> 00:22:07,624
What about the list,
feeney ? Just a minute.
353
00:22:07,691 --> 00:22:10,460
If I get to one
of the gizmos too late--
354
00:22:10,528 --> 00:22:12,462
most people
don't know this--
355
00:22:12,530 --> 00:22:15,132
an alarm goes off
in the police station.
356
00:22:15,199 --> 00:22:20,537
It's as if the gizmo
was saying, "Harry feeney's late and something is wrong."
357
00:22:20,604 --> 00:22:22,872
Feeney,
what did you find out ?
358
00:22:22,941 --> 00:22:25,475
I'm trying to tell you.
359
00:22:25,543 --> 00:22:28,979
Now, I only have
a certain amount of time between gizmos.
360
00:22:29,047 --> 00:22:33,817
When I'm making the rounds
of the executive offices, I've got just 13 minutes.
361
00:22:33,884 --> 00:22:37,587
Thirteen minutes
isn't much time to look through twenty offices...
362
00:22:37,655 --> 00:22:39,589
For one piece of paper.
363
00:22:39,657 --> 00:22:44,061
The first eight times around,
I never found it.
364
00:22:44,128 --> 00:22:47,464
But the ninth time--
what about the ninth time ?
365
00:22:47,531 --> 00:22:49,632
I found it.
366
00:22:49,700 --> 00:22:51,634
It was on
vanderheusen's desk...
367
00:22:51,702 --> 00:22:55,505
Under four unsigned letters
and a big, brass paperweight.
368
00:22:55,573 --> 00:22:58,675
Feeney, spare me
the paperweight, huh ? Heart-shaped.
369
00:22:58,742 --> 00:23:01,511
All right, feeney.
Who got the ax ?
370
00:23:01,579 --> 00:23:05,182
Well, they're cuttin' back
20 percent down the line,
371
00:23:05,249 --> 00:23:07,484
just like they said,
Archie.
372
00:23:07,551 --> 00:23:12,522
And they're knockin' off
three departments, including yours.
373
00:23:13,924 --> 00:23:16,994
Including Archie's ?
Right.
374
00:23:17,061 --> 00:23:19,997
But they're keepingthe three department heads.
375
00:23:20,064 --> 00:23:22,665
They're keepingthe three foremen.
376
00:23:22,733 --> 00:23:25,135
[ Edith ]That's you, Archie !
377
00:23:25,203 --> 00:23:28,472
I knew it was gonna
be all right, daddy ! You had nothing to worry about.
378
00:23:28,539 --> 00:23:31,141
Daddy,
I'm so happy for you. Congratulations !
379
00:23:31,209 --> 00:23:34,611
Get out of here !
What do you mean, congratulations ?
380
00:23:34,678 --> 00:23:38,448
Youse don't have to
congratulate me for nothin'. There's nothin' happening to me.
381
00:23:38,516 --> 00:23:41,551
You'd think I was Lazarus
rising from the bed.
382
00:23:42,620 --> 00:23:44,721
What are you
standing there for ?
383
00:23:44,788 --> 00:23:47,290
Go on upstairs.
Don't be bothering me.
384
00:23:47,358 --> 00:23:50,227
What's the matter, Archie ?
I thought you'd be happy to hear the news.
385
00:23:50,294 --> 00:23:54,664
He's worried about
little Emanuel and elmo.
386
00:23:54,732 --> 00:23:57,800
No, Edith, I ain't worried
about nothin' or nobody.
387
00:23:57,868 --> 00:24:01,771
So a couple of guys
get laid off. They'll find something in a day or so.
388
00:24:01,839 --> 00:24:05,409
I want to tell youse all
something about this good old U.S. of a.
389
00:24:05,476 --> 00:24:08,178
No man starves
in this great country...
390
00:24:08,246 --> 00:24:10,914
If he's willing to
go out there and work.
391
00:24:10,981 --> 00:24:14,717
Them that works, eats,
and we're gonna eat now.
392
00:24:14,785 --> 00:24:17,620
Pizza. Go on,
get out of here !
393
00:24:17,688 --> 00:24:20,090
Go on up to bed.
Feeney, sit down. Here's the pizza.
394
00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:22,926
Don't stand there.
Go on in the kitchen and bring out some beers.
395
00:24:22,993 --> 00:24:26,263
Dig in, feeney.
Oh-ho-ho-ho !
396
00:24:35,173 --> 00:24:38,675
[ Sighs ]
Archie, here's your bicarb.
397
00:24:38,742 --> 00:24:41,545
All right, Edith.
Leave it there, huh ?
398
00:24:41,612 --> 00:24:44,948
Why did you let
that son-in-law of yours bring pizza...
399
00:24:45,015 --> 00:24:47,584
Into this house
at 4:00 in the morning ?
400
00:24:48,686 --> 00:24:50,954
He was hungry, Archie.
401
00:24:51,021 --> 00:24:53,923
And then on top of that,
you give me beer to drink.
402
00:24:53,991 --> 00:24:55,925
You asked for it.
403
00:24:55,993 --> 00:24:59,463
Oh, Edith, there's times
I question your judgment.
404
00:25:00,731 --> 00:25:03,533
Archie, it's 6:00
in the morning.
405
00:25:03,601 --> 00:25:06,236
You better take a shower
and get to work.
406
00:25:06,304 --> 00:25:09,306
What do you mean ?
I can't take this stomach to work with me, Edith.
407
00:25:09,373 --> 00:25:12,909
You're gonna have to
call in for me. I ain't goin'.
408
00:25:12,977 --> 00:25:16,246
Archie, you could
lose your job.
409
00:25:16,314 --> 00:25:21,050
Oh, Edith, as solid
as I am with the bosses ? What are you talking about ?
410
00:25:27,658 --> 00:25:29,593
I better go to work,
Edith.
411
00:25:53,351 --> 00:25:56,653
[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded on tape...
412
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,688
Before a live audience.
413
00:25:58,738 --> 00:26:03,288
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