All language subtitles for 10. The Off-Broadway Affair [no italics]

[SCREAMS]

[GASPING]

Nothing.

[BOTH SINGING "NOTHING"]

[MOUTHING LYRICS]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

- Hello? Is this U.N.C.L.E.?
SOLO [OVER PHONE]: Yes, it is.

Believe me, Mr. Solo,
this is not a prank. I--

[DIAL TONE]

You're on, Miss Osborne.

Uh, miss.
Uh, where can we find Miss, uh, Osborne?

Well, she left, about a minute ago.

- Uh, where did she go?
- Why, to Purdy's. To wait for the reviews.

Where's Purdy?

Well, if, um, you got a car,
I'll take you there.

I got them. I got them.

Come on, gather around, everybody.
Come on.

Come, I got the reviews. Come on,
come on. Come on, honey, come on.

WINKY:
Okay, quiet down, quiet down. Come on.

Shh. Let's see what they have to say
about an instant hit, huh?

Who's that?

Uh, that's Winky Blintz.
He's our director and star.

- Winky Blintz.
- Blintz, Blintz.

Here's Mr. Dreston:

"If you think the opening scene
of The In-Out Show...

...is pretentiously obtuse,
you should just be patient."

- Do you see Miss Osborne?
- Shh.

"For once it gets going, it swings downhill
with all the pace and deftness...

...of an Alpine glacier."

[PEOPLE MUTTERING]

Fascist.

- Please. It's important.
- What?

Oh, Miss Osborne. Um.

I don't see her. I know she's here.
Oh, she probably went to the powder room.

Well, we have to see her immediately.
So, uh, would you mind?

MAN:
Let's see what the first....

I might as well.
I don't have anything else to do.

Things certainly don't look too promising
around here.

WINKY: Ah, Paul Hastenbrook,
there's a critic for you.

"Last night at the New Wave Theater,
The In-Out Show went on...

...and on and on and on."

[PEOPLE MUTTERING]

The reviews aren't exactly boffo,
are they?

"Boffo"?

Yes, that's "box office" to foreigners.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

[JANET SCREAMS]

Whatever she wanted to tell us...

...I guess we'll have to find it out
for ourselves.

The police are convinced
it was suicide, eh?

Well, I suppose Miss Osborne
wouldn't be the first actress...

...to take her press notices too seriously.

SOLO: It's not the police she spoke to,
it was me.

What exactly did she tell you?

She said she had something to tell me,
and I said, "What?" and she said:

"Your entire organization
is in danger of being destroyed."

Then she was cut off.

I see.

Well, it may interest you, gentlemen...

...to know that a Thrush operative
has just been captured...

...carrying a copy of everything
we fed into our main computer yesterday.

Has he been interrogated?

Dead, unfortunately.

This may be the answer
to the past week.

Nothing in our entire operation against
Thrush seems to have worked properly.

Do you think a personnel leak?

Not very likely, I'm afraid.

Our engineers think they've got a tap
on this computer.

How? We're 50 feet below ground level.

They'd have to dig quite a tunnel
to get anywhere near us.

Wouldn't our seismic detectors
pick them up?

I don't have the answer to that.

Miss, will you tell the chief engineer
that effective immediately...

...I want this computer shut down?

Yes, Mr. Waverly.

Except for the processing
of the most routine...

...and unclassified material.

Yes, sir.

I gather you see some connection
between this and the late Miss Osborne.

WAVERLY:
Oh, possibly none.

But for the time being,
it's the only thing we've got to go on.

And we must remember, gentlemen...

...that that theater
is only two blocks away from here.

I know one of the girls in the show.

After those reviews, I have a feeling
if you don't hurry, you'll miss her.

SOLO: Not even a week from Thursday?
Well, uh....

Sorry, my friend.
We are sold out for weeks.

For weeks? Uh....

How about a--? Maybe-- Hmm.

Hi, isn't it exciting?

Yes, it's incredible. I was looking for you.

- Uh, who's that...?
- Oh, that's Mr. Machina. He's our producer.

Come on, we're having a cast meeting
and I can't be late.

- A month. We are sold out for a month.
- Hmm.

Can you imagine?

Just think what you could do
with lukewarm reviews.

Let's go, kids, come on.
Come on, let's go.

Now, you're probably all curious
what has happened.

For the man
who's gonna give you the answers...

...here's our illustrious producer,
Mr. David X. Machina.

Artists of the theater.

Last night, you underwent tragedy
and disappointment.

As for the first,
you know Eileen Osborne...

...would have wanted you to bounce back
just as you have.

She always said, "The show must go on."
Always.

She was quite a conversationalist.

It is for this reason that I decided to buy
all the tickets for next month personally.

I shall distribute them in the firm belief
that word of mouth...

...should quickly bring
to your incomparable artistry...

...the recognition it so richly deserves.

Mr. Machina,
on behalf of the entire cast...

...uh, I would like to say how deeply
we appreciate your trust in us...

...and I promise that we will do everything
to prove that trust well-founded.

- Thank you, Miss, uh...?
JANET: Jerrod.

Janet Jerrod.

Uh, and as Miss Osborne's understudy...

...I only hope that I can step
into her illustrious footsteps...

...in the illustrious way
that she would have wanted.

Well, on that point, Miss Jerrod,
while I'm quite confident in your talent...

...I do feel that the role
should have a more experienced person.

Mr. Blintz, therefore, has agreed
that Miss Osborne's replacement...

...should be Miss Linda Lamentiere.

[MAN CLAPPING]

Is she a well-known star?

I thought I knew everybody
in show business.

- I never heard of her.
- Hmm.

[CAR DOOR SLAMS]

- It seems a trifle unfair to me, Napoleon.
- Hmm.

You dally around
with a lush young actress...

...while I go prowling around
in a dirty basement.

Ah, but we both have
the same noble objective in mind.

By the way,
do you know anything about plumbing?

Yes, you turn the tap counter clockwise
for warm and clockwise for cool.

That's very good. Uh, keep clockwise.

[BOTH SINGING "NOTHING"]

ADOLPH:
Hey, hey, hey.

- No admittance.
- Plumbing repairs.

- Who called for a plumber?
- Oh, boy.

ADOLPH:
Well....

It's all there.

Well, I didn't know anything was wrong
with the plumbing.

[BOTH SINGING "NOTHING"]

- How are you doing?
- Oh!

After all, it's his money. If he wants
an experienced actress for the job...

...that should be his prerogative, right?

- Right.
- Right.

Listen, I'd to ask you
about Eileen Osborne.

Well, I hate to speak ill of the dead...

...but she certainly
wasn't much of an actress.

She was, you know, well-liked.

Well, do you know anyone
who didn't like her?

- Huh?
- Someone who might wanna do her harm?

- Harm Eileen?
- Mm-hm.

No.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, it was my fault.

Well, it was my pleasure.

- Who was that man?
- Hmm?

Obviously someone with a taste
for pretty young girls.

Ha, and they put you in charge.

Can you really imagine a man like that
going for anyone like Janet Jerrod...

...or whatever her name is?

What are you thinking?

Obviously, he could be from U.N.C.L.E.

Don't worry about it.

If he's an U.N.C.L.E. agent,
I can assure you he will be taken care of.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

ADOLPH:
Hey!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Oh, you took the wrong turn.
The main pipe is here.

Oh, sorry.

ADOLPH:
Hey!

Hey, there's a show
going on upstairs, you know.

Sorry, it just isn't my night.

Just make sure you put everything back
the way it was.

I-- I-- It'll be a pleasure.

Anything?

They might be able
to hide the tunnel entrance...

...but they couldn't cover up the signs
of digging.

As usual, we're on the wrong track.

I haven't had a chance to talk to Janet.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Oh, my good man. Uh, would you take this
and buy yourself a bar of soap?

You're a dirty guy.

You would think that if the show
were as good as Mr. Machina says it was...

...uh, why was the audience so quiet?

Maybe they were, uh, overcome?

But wouldn't you think they'd give us
at least one curtain call?

And Miss Lamentiere....
Oh, I hate to be sour grapes, but--

- How was she?
- Oh, I could play rings around her.

How do you suppose
she ever got the part?

- Come on, I'll get you something to eat.
- Ha-ha-ha.

No. Thank you, Napoleon.

I just wanna go home and go to sleep.

Oh, one of my shorter dates.
Very pleasant, though.

- Okay, I'll take you home.
- You don't have to.

Oh, I thought maybe, uh, we could talk...

...about Miss Osborne, Machina,
other things.

Please. I'll feel much more like talking
tomorrow night, I'm sure.

Mm. All right. Only slightly offended,
he bade her good night.

CLAUDE:
Mr. Solo?

- Uh, yeah?
- We've got a message to relay to you.

- Yeah, like don't go near that broad.
- Anymore.

At all. You see,
a friend of her likes it that way.

CLAUDE:
That way.

See, I thought that kind of dialogue
went out with high-button shoes.

- We're very serious.
- Very.

Oh, well, I think everyone should be serious
once in a while.

[HUGO GRUNTS]

[MEN GRUNTING]

Does that leave any doubt
he's an U.N.C.L.E. agent?

I'm afraid you're right, my dear.

I think, however, a mere working over...

...is not gonna keep him out of our hair
for these next crucial days.

- I have a suggestion.
- What?

Put Mr. Solo in the lake.

CLAUDE:
In you go, pal.

HUGO:
Okay, you tie him up. I'll drive.

CLAUDE: All right.
Stay on that street, they're right to the lake.

HUGO:
Okay.

[CAR ENGINE REVS]

Sir, Mr. Solo's distress transmitter
has been activated.

[MACHINE BEEPING]

Here's where it started.

Get me Mr. Kuryakin.

WANDA: It seems to be heading
towards Central Park.

ILLYA:
All right, put him down, right there.

[MEN GRUNTING]

[ILLYA GRUNTING]

[GASPING]

I can't say I approve much
of your choice of swimming pools.

[SOLO GASPS]

It would be all right if they just wouldn't
put so much chlorine in the water.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

Come in, Mr. Solo.

Where are you?

In a Turkish bath, sir.

Oh. Oh, yes, of course.

Well, we ran a check on Mr. Machina.

A Thrush?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Very wealthy, source unknown.

Has a background in electronics.

Everything adds up, sir,
except there's no sign of a tunnel.

How else could they
be using that theater?

That I don't know.

But it's absolutely imperative
that we find out.

Our inability to use the computer
is paralyzing our entire organization.

Well, I have an idea
they killed Eileen Osborne...

...because she found something...

...and replaced her with one of their own
so they wouldn't have to do it again.

Ergo, the answer must be available
to the new leading lady.

Hmm.

Well, perhaps, under the circumstances,
we ought to have someone on the inside.

I have another idea, sir.

Didn't you tell me
you played the French horn?

I play the English horn, yes.

Well, French horn, English horn.
What difference does it make?

There is a number in the show
called "A Man is a Horn."

Ugh. Oh, no, I categorically refuse.

It's a direct order, Mr. Kuryakin.

Yes, sir.

How do you intend to get rid of the fellow
who's doing it now? Knock his teeth out?

Haven't you ever heard
of Napoleon Solo...

...the talent scout
for the famous Hollywood mogul...

...L.B. Sternmacher?

SOLO: Huh?
- Uh-huh.

How could you do it to me, Mr. Solo?
Stealing one of my best men.

Off he goes to Hollywood
without even an hour's notice.

Now, how am I gonna replace him?

You got a couple of hours till show time.

- You'll come up with something.
- Oh, thanks a lot.

Napoleon, you never told me
you were a talent scout for Hollywood.

Well, I didn't want to destroy the purity
of our relationship.

Oh, yeah, but--
Gee whiz, Freddy Smallwood?

Your time will come, love.

ADOLPH: Winky.
SOLO: Things are just--

ADOLPH: Winky.
- What?

A guy wants to see you about a job.

I'm busy.
Now, go away, will you, Adolph?

He says he plays the horn.

Plays the horn? Well, where is he?

There's this question
of timing and talent...

...and if you got the talent,
the timing will eventually work itself out.

[PLAYING DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[INDIAN ACCENT]
A man is a horn

Viciously he vibrates
In double-reed duplicity

Honking, screeching, squealing

Displaying his talents
For nothing but noise

[INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

A man is a horn

He is also a lute

Strings turned tightly to tune the tension

That pulls him apart

While percussively plucking the strings

And goodness that should
In his heart find a plot

Where'd you get him?

It was a miracle. An absolute miracle.

But there's not

A man is a lute

I don't believe in miracles.

A man is a drum

[GASPS]

What's the matter, Miss Lamentiere?
You look as if you've seen a ghost.

Oh, uh, it's-- It's just
that I didn't expect to see you here.

Oh, as a matter of fact,
I didn't expect to be here.

I guess I'm just staged.

[CHUCKLES]

A man is a drum

You can't stand here, mister.

Uh, well, I'm waiting
for Miss, uh, Jerrod.

It's very dank out in the alley...

...and I understand there's a very bad
hoodlum element in the neighborhood.

Adolph, he's okay.

- Stay out of the way, all right?
- Oh, indeed, I will, yes.

- Hi.
- Hi.

A man is a song

[VOCALIZING]

Isn't he great?

Not bad if you like one-man bands.

You know, this is tomorrow night?

- Fine. Fine, fine.
- Good.

- Fine, I'll be right with you.
- All right.

[CHANTING]

[ILLYA SIGHS]

- Anything?
- Not so far. What about you?

I don't know how important it is...

...but the star's dressing room
is always locked.

Even she doesn't have the key.

Who does?

SOLO:
Him. Name's Adolph.

ILLYA:
Hmm.

"A man is a horn"? Hmm.

- I'm ready.
- Okay.

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

[ALARM BEEPING]

[DOOR LOCK CLICKS]

Open Channel D for Napoleon Solo.

ILLYA [OVER RADIO]:
Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

[SINGING "BROADWAY RHYTHM"]

I know another one
you're gonna like too.

Um, I sing all the instruments.

Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

Sorry I had to call you back,
but I figured you'd wanna know.

You did the right thing, Adolph.

- Do you know who it is?
- No, sir. I didn't see him.

Just a moment.

Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

That's our little man with the horn.

ILLYA:
Come in, Napoleon.

Looks like we need another replacement
for tomorrow.

A pity.
He was the best thing in the show.

ILLYA: Napoleon Solo.
- Hmm.

Should I take care of him now?

Unfortunately, yes.

- Decidedly, no.
- What?

Come, come on, dear.

Think.

If U.N.C.L.E. has planted a man
in the cast...

...they obviously
must have strong suspicions about us.

What would you do
if you were in their circumstances...

...and highly suspicious?

I'd postpone the computer input.

Of course you would.

You'd postpone it
until you stopped the leak.

I think we should free Mr. Kuryakin.

And try to convince him
that the leak has been stopped.

- Adolph.
- Huh?

Napoleon, for the last time,
will you come in, please?

[OVER RADIO]
Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

[SINGING
"ALL GOD'S CHILLUN GOT RHYTHM"]

[DOOR RATTLING]

[SINGING
"ALL GOD'S CHILLUN GOT RHYTHM"]

Well, whew.

Well, what do you think
L.B. Sternmacher would say to that?

Uh.... Why don't you make some coffee
and we'll, you know, talk about it?

JANET:
Oh.

[DOOR OPENS]

Whoa. Boy, am I glad to see you.

I thought I might have to spend
the night here.

- You see, I rather stupidly locked myself--
- Huh.

You didn't lock yourself in.

- What?
- I locked you in.

Oh?

[ADOLPH GROANS AND GRUNTS]

No, no, please. Listen to me.

- I know you're from U.N.C.L.E.
- Go on.

And I know just what you're looking for.
The computer tap, right?

You're answering the questions.

Okay. I can lead you to it.

I mean it. You just say the word
and I'll take you there.

Why should you do such a noble thing?

Money.

Oh.

- How much?
- Twenty thousand. Ten.

Look, you gotta make it worthwhile.

If Thrush finds out what I'm doing,
you know what's gonna happen?

With a little money,
I can leave the country.

Maybe South America.

I can start all over again.

I'm not in the habit of carrying
that much cash with me.

No, but you can get it, can't you?

You lead.

- This is where I leave you.
- Just a minute.

Look, Mr. Kuryakin,
I brought you here, that's enough.

Don't expect me to be around
when things start happening.

I'm not sure I'm getting
$10,000 worth of service.

You just go through there.

If you don't find what you're looking for,
you don't pay.

I'm afraid that won't do.
You just keep leading.

[ADOLPH SIGHS]

And don't turn around.

[GUNSHOT]

LINDA:
This one lists the batting averages...

...of all the players
in their interoffice softball league.

Hardly of earth-shaking importance, is it?

Not at the moment. But, uh--

It couldn't have gone better, Mr. Machina.

I saw the explosion myself.

It was a good one?

- Beautiful.
- Excellent.

You'll forgive me if I gloat, my dear.

But I have reason
to be quite proud of myself.

When I first proposed to Thrush Central
that we build and equip two tunnels...

...one to be used as a decoy,
you should have heard them scream:

"You can't do that, Machina.

You're already over budget
for the first tunnel.

It is a complete waste
of time and money."

[CHUCKLES]

Now, I wouldn't be surprised
if I were in line for a promotion.

- I knew you were on your way up.
- Hmm.

- From the moment I met you, I knew it.
- Hmm.

- Adolph.
- Huh?

How much is this U.N.C.L.E. agent
going to give you?

Five thousand dollars.

Mm-hm.

Knowing you as I do, Adolph,
that means 10. Very well.

When he delivers it, you can keep 500.

Thank you.

- Do you think he will deliver it?
- I'm sure of it.

[JANET LAUGHING]

I probably shouldn't have given you
such a big piece of cake.

Do you realize this must have
a million calories?

Mm. You know, it's unfortunate
you're such a good cook.

Hmm?

Why, I mean, it takes away
from your other obvious attributes.

Uh.... Hey, do you realize
it must be 1:00?

- You know--
- You'd better be going.

- I tell you, I'd hoped that--
- You haven't met my landlady.

If she knew that you were here....

I do mean it.

You better go.

I have my reputation to protect.

Mm. I see. Well, you've destroyed mine.

[RADIO BEEPING]

What's that?

My, uh, pen.

- Illya?
- Napoleon, are you all right?

Uh, I'm a bit disappointed,
but that will pass.

Why do you ask?

ILLYA [OVER RADIO]:
I tried to get you earlier.

No doubt
before the disappointment set in.

Have you found anything?

I'm not quite sure.

I may have destroyed the computer tap.

You what?

Well, our friend Adolph,
the backstage doorman?

He led me to it for a price.
But it was too easy, Napoleon.

I think it may have been a decoy.

And if it was,
I have an idea where the real thing is.

What do you want me to do?

Come to the theater tomorrow night.

[CHUCKLING]

I hate to subject you to the performance
again, but you might be useful.

Shall I bring a few friends?

ILLYA:
Yes, it might be advisable.

And if I'm not on-stage,
look in Miss Lamentiere's dressing room.

Oh, and you might get Mr. Waverly...

...to feed some important misinformation
into our computer.

Right.

Illya? Illya.
He's not in show business, is he?

Well, that's debatable. Ahem.

And you're not really
a talent scout for L.B....

- What's his name?
- Uh, St-- Sternmacher.

- Yes.
- No, I'm not.

Hey, you must be a secret agent
or something.

Yeah, something.

Well, uh, maybe
you shouldn't go after all.

I mean,
wouldn't you like to tell me all about it?

Well, as a matter of fact,
I'd be delighted.

ILLYA:
You think you can do it?

[MOUSE SQUEAKING]

Scared.

No, I mean, I'm really scared.

It's for U.N.C.L.E.

[STAMMERING]

Adolph is back in the office with Machina,
so I should have enough time.

It'll be over in just a minute.

Oh, I hope so.

[LINDA SCREAMS]

LINDA:
A mouse! A mouse!

[SCREAMING]

LINDA: A mouse! It's a mouse! It's a mouse!
JANET: A mouse!

No, you can't go in there.
Where's Adolph? Adolph!

[LINDA SCREAMING,
PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[TRAPDOOR OPENING]

LINDA:
Adolph!

- What is it, Linda?
- Oh, A m-- A m-- A mouse in there.

All right, all right, everybody.
We have a show in a few minutes.

- Get ready.
- Okay, guys, come on, it's warm up time.

Come on, dancers, let's go.

[MOUSE SQUEAKING]

ADOLPH:
There he is. I'll get that mouse.

[BANGING]

ADOLPH: Come on.
- Wait.

The trapdoor. It's been opened.

- Huh?
- Linda!

Linda.

Did you get him? Huh?

Kuryakin. Where is he?

Oh, I don't know. I saw him talking
to that understudy a while ago.

Oh.

[JANET SCREAMS]

JANET:
No!

- Aah! No!
- Well, then.

Perhaps Miss Jerrod
will help us to look for him.

[SCREAMS]

Things have a habit
of repeating themselves, don't they?

MACHINA:
They do indeed, Mr. Kuryakin.

Oh.

If you will drop your gun, please,
Mr. Kuryakin?

[BOTH GRUNT]

[GUNSHOT, JANET SCREAMS]

Remarkable, wouldn't you say so?

How did you manage to get it so close
without our detecting it?

Oh, very simple, Mr. Kuryakin.
Technology.

New digging equipment
which cuts with ultrasonic waves...

...almost no seismic vibration.

And the dirt is being processed
by a reactor right on the device.

Most of it turned into harmless gasses.

All the dirt of this tunnel and the other one
wouldn't fill two barrels.

Very ingenious.

You wouldn't consider
selling it to U.N.C.L.E.?

How much?

Ah, that's more like it.

"Specifications
of a new U.N.C.L.E. weapon...

...and a chemical formula
for a new explosive."

Do you mean you bought
all those tickets for our show...

...just so you could use our show
as a cover-up?

My dear, there was
a much more functional problem.

The day the show closes,
the lease expires.

Now, it wouldn't be a shame...

...to be evicted from such
a profitable location as this? Wouldn't it?

You didn't like the show at all?

Oh, you hypocrite.

We all have our little failings.

She doesn't know anything about it.
Let her go.

Well, I just might do that, Mr. Kuryakin.
Except for one thing.

What? What's that?

Well, obviously,
with Linda out of the picture...

...you will have to go on
in her place tonight.

- The understudy gets her big chance.
JANET: What?

Do you really think I'd go on
after what I found out about you?

My dear, this is not a debatable matter.

I need that performance.

Tonight, of all nights,
I don't want any suspicions aroused.

And the performance needs you.

I'm sure you'll be splendid.

I'd just like to see you make me do it.

You really wouldn't like that, believe me.

You'll do it.

You see, because if you don't,
we will kill your friend Mr. Kuryakin.

Charming girl.

I really feel badly
about having to lie to her.

Oh? What was the lie?

Why, the implications if she performs,
that she will be able to save your life.

[LAUGHING]

WINKY:
Janet. Janet, where have you been?

They just told me Linda
wouldn't be here tonight.

Tonight, of all nights, when I persuaded him
to come back and see the show again.

- Who?
- Paul Hastenbrook.

I told him the show has been redone
and he'd scoop all the other critics.

- But it hasn't been redone.
- But it's jelled. It has confidence.

Don't you see? He's gonna think he's seeing
a new show. Isn't it marvelous?

[AUDIENCE CHATTERING]

It comes on your shoulders, Janet.

This is your big chance.

Tonight.... Tonight, you are being gripped
in the hands of fate.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

You understand
it took some forceful persuasion...

...to get these tickets for tonight.

Yes, I suspected as much.

Show sold out and all that.

We've got men scattered
throughout the house, just in case.

Excellent.

I only hope there won't be
any disturbance...

...until after Kuryakin's been on.

- I'm most eager to see him perform.
- Hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention, please?

Tonight, the part of Susan Everybody
will be played by Miss Janet Jerrod.

Thank you.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

That should be a pleasant surprise
for you, Mr. Solo.

I'm not at all sure about that, sir.

Wonderful.

Top-secret personnel records
of all U.N.C.L.E. executives.

I can assure you,
we will make excellent use of this.

And now, Mr. Kuryakin,
I think I go enjoy the show.

I hope they will make do
without a horn player just this once.

[SIGHS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGING] I march for love
Justice, brotherhood and art

I march for wit, knowledge
Happiness and heart

I march for good, kindness
Diligence and truth

For the wisdom of age
And the wonder of youth

Stand up and shout
Stand up and march

You got nothing to lose
Except your arches

Stand up and march
Stand up and shout

If you wanna learn what life is all about

It's, uh, not one of her better nights.

Stand up and shout
Stand up and run

You will never guess
Who's trapped inside the tunnel

Stand up and march

Stand up and sing

You will find that friends
Are waiting in each wing

- Excuse me, sir.
- Lost your nerve?

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[ADOLPH GRUNTS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[GUNSHOT]

The show just wouldn't be the same
without you.

- It's nice to be missed. How's Janet?
- Lousy but unharmed.

- Well, that won't last.
- I'm afraid you're right.

SOLO: I take it that's the real thing?
ILLYA: Yes.

And it's spewing out
an awful lot of misinformation.

Go on. I'll catch up with you.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

[MEN GRUNTING]

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[JANET SCREAMS]

All Thrush people! We need you.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

WINKY:
Keep dancing. Keep dancing.

It's better than unemployment.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[SINGING]
The men who fight, they fight for us

And they sure could use
A little extra muscle

- Get the girl.
JANET [SINGING]: Stand up and fight

Stand up and roar

Or you'll soon have
Leading Lady Number 4

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Keep playing. Keep playing.

[SINGING]
Keep playing

[SOLO GRUNTS]

Stand up and shout
Stand up and march

You got nothing to lose
Except your arches

Stand up and march
Stand up and shout

If you wanna learn what life is all about

[APPLAUDING AND CHEERING]

WAVERLY:
Bravo! Bravo!

[JANET SHOUTS]

WAVERLY:
Bravo.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"I don't recall ever being so stunned...

...as by the total theatricality
of the second act...

...in which every physical
and sensory means...

...is used to embrace the audience
in a memorable experience."

WOMAN:
Oh.

"And saving the best until last...

...Janet Jerrod's transformation
from the nervous, off-key stereotype...

...to a zany, wild-eyed hoyden...

...marks the arrival of a brand-new star.

See it. By all means, see it."

JANET:
Can you believe it? Oh.

- It's marvelous.
JANET: Thank you, thank you.

- Yes, you were particularly so, my dear.
- Thank you.

WOMAN:
Oh, it's so exciting.

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

What will the audience do
when they don't find...

...that total sensory experience
at the end of Act 2?

Well, it's another old American tradition.

Theater audiences generally like
what the critics tell them to like.

WINKY:
Exactly.

As a matter of fact,
I've already decided...

...to incorporate the fight scene
into the show every night.

Herbert and Marvin
are writing music and lyrics for it--

Say....

Now, this is kind of
an offbeat casting idea...

...but how would you two
like to play yourselves in the show?

Don't call us.

We'll call you.

[ENGLISH SDH]