All language subtitles for The.Pope.Drops.In.2023.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

(dramatic music)

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(Church bells chiming)

(upbeat music)

♪ I won't give up ♪

♪ Sure can't give in ♪

♪ Know where I'm going ♪

♪ See where I've been ♪

♪ Damned if I don't ♪

♪ Damned if I do ♪

♪ I really thought I could
make it without you ♪

♪ Can't make it without you now ♪

♪ Can't make it, can't make it ♪

(rock music)

♪ I really thought I could
make it without you ♪

♪ Can't make it without you now ♪

♪ I really thought I could
make it without you ♪

♪ Can't make it without you now ♪

- If there is anyone
here that can give cause

as to why these two people
should not be united

in holy matrimony, speak now
or forever hold your peace.

- I can.

- And who might you be, sir?

- Beth's husband in the eyes of God.

- Michael, why are you doing this?

- Buzz off, loser.

- You do follow the Bible,
don't you, minister?

- Of course.

The Bible is our sole authority.

- Then you know that the
Bible says that a believer

can't divorce another believer
and then marry someone else

and she's married to a believer, me.

- Are you a Catholic?

- Yeah, so?

- You pagan, heathen Catholics
aren't real Christians.

- Oh, horsepooey, we are so.

- Are not.
- Are so.

- Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh.

- Uh-uh.

- This is stupid.

- Well, yeah.

(book slaps)

- Oh, hey.

- Aren't any of you gonna stand up?

- You're on your own, weedhopper.

- Who cares, it's an open bar.

- Beth, don't do this!

That's my wife up there!

- There, go gnash your teeth, Bible man.

(men laughing)
(upbeat music)

♪ Maybe life's one big mystery ♪

♪ We only see what we wanna see ♪

♪ You tell me so loud and clear ♪

♪ I tell myself what I wanna hear ♪

♪ May have learned these last few years ♪

♪ How to face your greatest fears ♪

♪ Time has come and we both know ♪

♪ You won't stay and I can't let you go ♪

♪ You won't stay and I can't let you go ♪

♪ You won't stay and I can't let you go ♪

(junk clinking)

(metal crashing)

- More art, just what we need.

- Will you be careful?

This could be worth a lot of
money someday, if it survives.

- Then put it somewhere
where I won't trip over it.

The living room is an
artistic obstacle course.

- It's great, isn't it?

Ooh.

(playful music)

- What?

what are you?

(gentle music)

(crickets chirping)

I thought the house next door was vacant.

- [David] Must be critters.

- With flashlights?

- [David] Swamp gas.

- You're not even paying attention, look.

- You're right, there's some lights.

Should I call the cops?

- No.

I don't wanna sound foolish.

- Too late.

Wanna play spaceman?

- [Beth] Oh, now you wanna play spaceman?

- Anything to get out of these masks.

- Did you take the trash can

and the recycling out to the street?

- Yes, princess.

Is that a point for me?

- [Beth] Offsetting, back to zero.

Rub my back and maybe we'll see.

(playful music)

(David snoring)

(Michael knocking)

- Hi.

Can we talk for a minute, please?

Beth.

Beth.

If you don't come out here,
I'm gonna strangle this dog.

(imitating dog struggle)

Ow!

- We don't have a dog.

- Well, you just saved his life.

- Nice car.

- Yeah, I'm leaving it to you.

- Oh good, I'll trade it
for a villa in Tuscany.

What do you want?

- I'm just getting my house in order.

- Are you going somewhere?

- Maybe.

- Good, then maybe you'll
finally leave us alone.

- And then you can
contract a legal marriage

with the Church.

- You just won't let that die, will you?

- No, but before I head off
to that big island resort

in the sky, just tell me one thing.

Why did you leave me?

- Oh, I've told you a thousand times.

You know very well why.

- Beth, as God as my
witness, I don't know why.

- Last I checked, they still
don't let cheaters into heaven.

- What?

I never cheated on you.

- Sure you did with that bimbo buyer.

- Bimbo buyer?

- The one you met at the base.

- Wait a minute, you mean
that purchasing agent

at the air base?

It was David having the affair with her.

Then when I wouldn't lie
for him and his girlfriend

at the time found out and dumped him,

he said I'd violated the guy code,

but he still got what he wanted.

That bimbo, I mean purchasing agent,

let him put his name on our bid,

then she awarded it to him personally.

After that, he go it alone
and didn't need me anymore.

- You're lying.

- Oh yeah, I just made that up.

But that's not all.

The agent got caught and
David rolled over on her.

Pardon the pun.

Then she went to jail while
David was never prosecuted.

Then he stole you, the big prize.

- Why couldn't you tell
me all this years ago?

- I couldn't.

- Even if you weren't lying and you are,

you didn't have to hassle
and harangue us forever

and we could have dispelled this years ago

and you wouldn't have had
to make my life miserable.

- Has anyone in the world
ever been happy to see you?

- He's all yours, David.

- What do you want?

- The same thing I always want,

for my wife's soul to be safe and holy.

- Holy matrimony, Batman, what a surprise.

Pow.
- Yeah, easy killer.

But just think, if I wasn't around,

you could marry her in the Church

and maybe become a Catholic yourself.

- The only way that I would
ever become a Catholic

is if Jesus Christ himself came down,

knocked on my door and
said, "Oh, I want you."

- By the time He came back,
it'd be too late for ya.

- Okay then, if the Pope asks
me, then I'll become Catholic.

Yeah, the Pope, that's a ticket.

Tell him drop in anytime.

- Well, at least you still love me.

(serious music)

- [Beth] Did you steal the company?

- [David] I had to take over.

He destroyed the company's integrity.

It was a matter of survival.

- [Beth] And what about me?

- [David] Someone's gonna
take care of you, so I did.

- David Paul Sheba, if you are lying.

- [David] Shh.

(David claps)

(solemn music)

- David, how come we never pray together?

- Pray?

You knew I wasn't a praying
man when you married me.

- Well,

at least you weren't praying
with me at the same time

you were cheating on me.

(grand music)

- Please, sit, sit.

I am so happy and blessed
to see you all here today.

There are so many people
from different countries

here in Cleveland for the World Youth Day.

It is an amazing sign of
unity to see all the people

of different sizes and shapes and colors

sharing our beloved Catholic
faith with each other.

It is, it is like a little bit of heaven

right here on the lake.

- Tell us, Your Holiness,

how does it feel being
the first African Pope?

- Well, I would not know.

(all laughing)

That happened in the first
century of the Church.

I am the fourth African Pope.

In the first 300 years of the Church,

each Pope was guaranteed to
be martyred for the faith.

I do not think that the pool
of applicants was very large.

(press laughing)

It used to be that when people
wanted to state the obvious,

they would say, "Is the Pope Catholic?"

It's okay, you can laugh.

(press laughing)

And many years later, it
became, "Is the Pope Polish?"

Still, it's okay, you can laugh.

(press laughing)

Then sent John Paul II effectively

killed off all Polish Popes.

Why?

How many Poles does it take
to defeat the Soviet Union?

Anyone?

No one?

Just one.

(press laughing)

Now the latest joke is,
"Is the Pope Black?"

(press laughing)

Yes.

Do you know any good ones?

- It's been a long trip and the
Holy Father is a very tired.

Tomorrow he will be at
various World Youth Day venues

to smell the sheep, as it were.

And then two days from now,

the Pope will celebrate
a large outdoor Mass

at Lakefront Airport.

We're expecting more than 2
million people for the Mass.

I understand that's more
than when the Calves

won the NBA Championship in 2016.

(all laughing)

- That's right.

If it's big, it's happening in Cleveland.

(all laughing)

Eat your hear out, Cincinnati.

- You got any threes?

- No, Cardinal Cariott, go fish.

- Oh, ha!

- A bishop and do you have any trays?

- What's a tray?

(clergy laughing)

- Threes.

- Oh, well then, no.

- Monsignor, do you have any sixes?

Hmm, do you?

- Oh, Monsignor.

- I have.

(clergy gasping)

- No worries.

- Oh.

Wouldn't it be great if Revelation
had a key to the numbers?

- Come, on play.

Cariott's losing again.

(clergy laughing)

- What?
- He always loses, always.

- It's terrible, it's the easiest game.

- I win at swimming.

- [Pope] When was the last
time you went swimming?

- I'm a master backstroker.

- Yes.

- You're going to go out to the Lake Erie

and do a little bit of
that while we're in town.

- I float very well.

- That's wonderful.

I can stay floating for hours.

I'm like a upside down whale.

(clergy laughing)

- Dear Lord, I know this World Youth Day

was scheduled before I was elected,

but why did You choose me?

I am no good at this glad-handy.

I don't even know why you made
me a bishop and a cardinal,

let alone the Pope.

I fear that I will be a lousy shepherd

and the wolves will ravage Your flock.

Please,

take this cup from me,

even if it means I have to die.

(somber music)

(bright music)

- Commence Operation Pope Drops In.

Showtime.

(bright music)

- [Pope] Coffee.

- Coffee.

They don't have any coffee inside?

- Describing what they
have in there as coffee

would be a sin against
the eighth commandment.

(both laughing)

- I like this car.

It's a nice color.

- I got stuck with a
whole fleet of these Fiats

because my predecessor did not
want to offend the Italians,

so I had them painted Church colors.

Mary Blue, Martha Red, Ordinary
Green and Latarra Pink.

- Latarra Pink.

- Yes, we only take those out
a couple of Sundays a year.

(both laughing)

- What, no Prince of Peace Purple?

- No, apparently some rock star's estate

owns everything purple.

- Oh.

(Pope laughing)

- Coffee?

(uplifting music)

- Can I ask you a special favor?

- Go on, my son.

- I need you to go with
me to visit someone

who needs to come back to the faith.

- I don't think I have time.

- Not have time to save a soul?

- You know, I have many commitments.

- I do, and I only have one,

but it's a very important one.

In fact, there's none
more important than this.

- And if I won't go?

- Then I will have to insist.

- So, you are kidnapping me, eh?

- If that's what you wanna call it.

- Know you can go to jail for this?

- You know when Jesus says
to Peter, "When you are old,

you will stretch out your
hands and others will dress you

and take you where you don't want to go"?

- Yes, I know the passage.

- Well, now is that time, Peter.

(Pope laughing)

- I don't think this particular time

is what he was referring to.

- Probably not, but it'll have to do.

(quiet dramatic music)

- Is that gun?

- It's my finger.

- Did you cry at the end
of "Field of Dreams?"

- Yeah, of course.

- Me too.

All right, how long will this take?

- They'll hardly miss you.

(Pope laughing)

(bright music)

- [Spiro] Here you go.

- Who are you?

- Spiro.

- I am the Pope.

- I know who you are.

Nice color, this car, Mary Blue.

We're riding in Mary's
Fiat, how appropriate.

- How old are you?

- Old enough to go on an adventure.

- I am sure this violates

some sort of child protection protocol.

- No, it doesn't.

Let the little children come to me.

Kids need adults around.

So where are we headed, Michael?

- South and West, Cincinnati.

- Wait, he can't go.

- Sure he can, it'll be fun.

- Are you nuts?

- I'm kidnapping the Pope, of course I am.

- This better be life or death.

- Oh, it's more than that.

- So you are in cahoots.

- You might say that.

- Hey, there are only four holes.

- Carrying charges.

- Funny guy.
(Michael laughing)

Here, you want one?

(rock music)

♪ Rock and roll makes me speed ♪

♪ Driving my car like a trusty steed ♪

♪ Crossing the river deep and wide ♪

♪ Headed outta town on Riverside Drive ♪

♪ Riverside Drive is calling ♪

♪ Makes me feel so young and alive ♪

♪ Riverside Drive is calling ♪

♪ Heaven must be something
like Riverside Drive ♪

♪ Heaven must be something
like Riverside Drive ♪

♪ Heaven must be something
like Riverside Drive ♪

- I really appreciate this.

- Let's just get it over with.

Who are we going to see?

- Some people you have
a natural affinity for,

a divorced and remarried,
non-practicing Catholic

and her not-anything spouse who
broke up her first marriage.

- And how are you connected?

- The guy's my ex-business
partner who stole the business.

The woman is my wife.

He stole her too.

- I don't think it's very wise for me

to become involved in
a domestic disturbance.

- Oh you mean husband pummels Pope

who was visiting wife, film at 11.

- Pummel?

I don't want to be pummeled.

Are you sure you should be doing this?

- Giving your love to
someone who betrays you

is the story of Jesus.

- He is right, you know.

- So, what do you do in your spare time?

- Spare time.

(Pope laughing)

You mean when I am not
being Vicar of Christ,

head of the Universal Church,

and Servant of all servants to God?

- Yeah, that.

- Love to bowl.

(Pope laughing)

Play a little bowling ball.

It's so exciting, I love it.

- You know any good jokes?

- Spiro, he's not the Church jester.

- No, no, no, no, no,
no, he's okay, he's okay.

Ah, everyone listening?

Aah, okay, okay, okay.

Why did the theologian cross the road?

- To observe the good Samaritan.

- So you have heard this one before.

- Okay, so why did the Good
Samaritan cross the road?

- Ah, to help the guy who was beaten up.

- Eh, wrong.

To get away from the theologian.

(Michael laughing)

- How is that funny?

- You gotta work on your standup.

- Dying is easy, but
comedy, comedy is hard.

The banyo, please.

I need to go next stop, please.

- Bishop, it appears the
Pope is headed out of town.

Why, I don't know, and where
he's going, I can't tell.

- How do you know that?

- Ah, I have a new and improved
Pope tracker on my phone.

As long as he has his smartphone
on him, we can find him.

Now then, do you have any men

you can put on this, tough ones?

- Let me think.

Well, there's always
the Kamaraza brothers.

- The the Karamaza brothers.

- No, the Kamaraza brothers.

- That's what I said, Karamaza brothers.

The K brothers, but can you
assure me, are they discreet?

(Sicilian Mafia music)

- My name is Dimitri
Leoni Disputin Kamarazo.

This is my brother, Alioso
Theodore Pavlonavich Kamarazo.

We call him Vepos.

- Gentlemen, sit.

Make yourself comfortable.

Now then, I have a mission for you.

It is nothing less than saving the Church.

I need you to find the Pope.

- The Pope is missing?

- Either that or he has been kidnapped.

(Vepos gasping)

- We will find him, Your Eminence,

and we will bring him back safely.

- I swear.

- Do not swear, we are in mixed company.

- Sorry.

- Gentlemen, allow me
to confer for a moment

with Monsignor Riacco.

Okay, so Monsignor, I was going
to pay these two yodel heads

to make sure the Pope never returned,

but now I think they are more
likely to accomplish that

by trying to save him.

What do you think?

- Right, we can send
them on a perilous quest

wherein they will die,
along with the Pope,

and then you'll be a
shoo-in to be the Pope

at the next conclave.

- They know we're here, right?

- They understand we
are two feet from them.

I'm sure they know that they are doing.

- I'm sure.

- They're a very organized religion.

- This is very true.

- What shall we have them do?

Zip lining with loose connections?

- Too obvious.

- Bungee jumping with too long of a cord.

- Too much fun.

- Sabotage the tire swing over the lake.

- We're not sending him to summer camp.

- Look at their face.

- Sorry.

We could tell them that
he needs to survive

a snake bite in his sleep.

And then we let them have one

that they let loose in the room.

It's very biblical, very Sherlock.

- Too Pentecostal.

(growling) What's his kryptonite?

We cart, ooh, we could make
him run 'till he drops.

- For what reason?

- You're right.

- (gasping) Wait a minute.

He's got seasonal allergies.

- So?

- So we tell the boys
he has to be locked away

in the dungeon of a
castle until he completes

substitutional penance for all
the scandals of the Church.

And no one can interrupt him

or he has to start all over again,

one day for every bad priest
in the last 100 years.

- What will that do?

He'll like that.

- No food.

We tell these honyocks only
angels can come and feed him.

They'll lock him away 'till nobody's there

and that moldy old castle
will kill him in no time.

- Brilliant.
- I know.

- Now we just need a castle.

Let's search, castles near me.

Ah, here we are.
- Huh.

- White Castle.

Oh, that's not right.

That's a chain that sells onion burgers.

- Burgers.
- No, onion burgers.

We're trying to starve him
to death, not torture him.

- Me know castle.

- It is in Loveland.

- Gentlemen, you're about
to embark on a quest.

You need to capture the
Pope and take him to the...

- White Castle.

- The one you said.

- Loveland.
- Loveland, the castle.

And have him do penance
for the Universal Church.

It's tough love, my brothers, tough love.

The future of the Church depends on you.

Here, take this phone.

It's set to track the Pope's location.

And gentlemen, I gave up anger for Lent,

so don't piss me off.

- Aye aye, sir.

- You have no problem.

(all laughing)

- Yes, now you understand.

Fine.

Good, good.

- We will do fine.
- We'll do fine.

We have to do this.
- You have to leave.

- Must find, find Pope.

(brothers chatting)

- Get out!

Leave!

- Go, nice to meet you.
- Bye-bye.

- Au revoir.

- They are very nice, I think.

- Do you think it will work?

- Let's just say my miter size is a 7 1/2.

(both laughing)

- Hello, Mary.

- Welcome, would you like
to try a tasting flight?

- Sure.

(sommelier laughing)

- Not for me, I'm driving.

But how about a glass
of wine for our friend?

- Okay.
- And I'll take a grape juice.

- All right.

- In that case I'll have what he's having.

- Oh, wine for your friend
and grape juice for you.

You know, your friend
there looks familiar.

- Oh yeah, lots of people
say he looks like the Pope.

- No, that's not it.

- We ordered you a glass of wine.

- Thank you.

Blood of the Grape.

What is the significance of that name?

- My late husband and I
thought it would be an honor

to make the wine that
turns into the actual blood

of Christ at Mass, so
the blood of the grape

becomes the blood of the Lamb.

- Good for you.

May I purchase a case?

- This is all I have left
of the sacramental wine.

We had Jesuits in last week
and they cleaned me out.

- Well, let's just hope they
don't turn it back into water.

(all laughing)

(dramatic music)

- Nobody move.

(Sicilian Mafia music)

Good.

(glasses banging)

- Follow my lead.

(dramatic music)

- Squirrel!

- Oh, I love squirrel.

What is squirrel?

Oh, where'd they go?

(chase music)

- Oh!

- Don't mess with the
Mike, wherever you are.

- And you're out!

(chase music continues)

(shovel bangs)

(body thuds)

Nice shot, but let's see
what the judges have to say.

It was just war theory.

Proportional response.

Self-defense.

- Okay.

The judges will accept that.
- The judges will accept that.

- Good, now let's get out of here.

(bright music)

- The wine!

- Hurry, hurry!

- [Michael] Come on, come
on, come on, come on, hurry.

(car revving)

- [Pope] Bless you, my son.

(tires squealing)

(chase music)

(car revving)

- Stop!
(tires screeching)

(brothers panting)

Get in.

- What are you doing?
- All right.

I always stop for hitchhikers.

- And he gives them 20s.

- Why you think they pick up bottle guy?

- Because he obviously
want second hostage.

- Oh, he's very smart.

Oh, you're very smart.

(brothers groaning)

My calf, my leg, my back leg is hurt.

I get Charles horse.

- Hi, I'm Jesse.

- This is Michael and that's Papa.

- The real thing.

- Yep, but nobody believes it.

- Well, he doesn't seem very Pope-ish.

- He's a little timid yet,
but we're working on it.

- Hey guys, I am right here.

- See, he's just getting
better at asserting himself.

Just give him some time.

- Oh, this trip will be good for him.

- Hey, no touching, no touching.

What are you guys, shrinks?

- Testy.

So what's the mission?

- Tell him, Papa.

- You can tell him.

- I can't even believe
that I am doing this.

Okay, so, Michael is
trying to save his wife

who divorced him and married
his ex-business partner

who stole the company and
his wife some 20 years ago.

Why? Because Michael would not
lie for him to his girlfriend

about his infidelities many years before.

Now this same said ex-business
partner has told Michael

that he will become a
Christian and join the Church

only if the Pope drops
in and ask him personally

and we are on our way to
Cincinnati to do just that.

Clear?

- Crystal.

- Good.

- What if David reneges?

- How do we know his name?

- I wouldn't mind some
help around here sometimes.

- I help, I make the money.

- Oh sure.

Porsche is nothing but Brutus' harlot.

- What?

- This isn't a business,
this is a marriage.

- Where's this coming from?

- Do you know what day it is?

- Seven chances and six don't count.

- Really?

- I know it's not "don't
hassle your husband day."

- Nope.

It's our anniversary.

(somber music)

- So tell me more about this situation

before I go and get my head blown off.

- You're in no danger.

David knows the truth
even if Beth doesn't.

- So you think this is
partially your fault?

- Not that I know of.

I loved my wife dearly.

There's lots of innocent
spouses out there.

Nobody's perfect, but a
marriage without forgiveness

will always end badly.

- Forgiveness.

You know, the Lord says
that if we even look

at another woman with lust in our heart,

then we have committed adultery with her.

- Look, I certainly appreciate
the finer attributes

of feminine pulchritude,
but I never acted on it.

I think she just decided
she didn't love me anymore

and wanted out.

- And why didn't you ask for an annulment?

- I had no grounds.

I kept my vow.

Plus David's divorced,
too, so even if she asked,

it wouldn't have been enough.

He'd never accept Church authority.

I'm sure he'd say he didn't need it.

- The more you tell me
about the situation,

the more I doubt it will do any good.

- Perhaps, but what are you afraid of?

- I am not afraid.

I am being prudent.

- No, you're being a coward.

- Stop this car.

Pull over.

Pull over now.

(somber music)

It was a dumb idea all the way around.

- No!

It's the same thing Jesus did for us.

To who else can we go?

- I said I would help and I will.

(light music)

Michael, I am sorry.

(bright music)

All this wine and running
has given me heartburn.

- The Pope has ajathu.

- What is that?

- A Sicilian heartburn.

- Oh, I get that a lot in Rome.

(playful music)

- Hey, I know that guy,
that's Gums and Roses.

- Me too.
- Yeah.

(dramatic music)

- All right, now you go to the bathroom

and I'll get you some antacid.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, bathroom.

Bathroom, oh.

- Whoa.

Hop right in.

Bathroom, bathroom, you stay there.

Step here.

(bright music)

Think I could pass for a cowboy?

- No partner, you're
all hat and no cattle.

- But I have sheep.

- That's true.

Here, try these on.

You'll be less conspicuous.

(upbeat music)

♪ The dude ♪

♪ He's the dude ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels
like a ball and chain ♪

♪ Pinned ultimate penance
for winning the game ♪

♪ You're no volunteer ♪

♪ They all step back ♪

♪ Surprised your a
pontiff, you're a trap ♪

♪ Always be lonely, but never alone ♪

♪ Can't step out for pizza
or talk on the phone ♪

♪ So why does this kid
feel like you're free ♪

♪ Maybe never go back
to see what you see ♪

♪ The dude ♪

♪ He's the dude ♪

♪ He thinks these clothes
are less conspicuous ♪

♪ Hate to see what he
thinks is ridiculous ♪

♪ Car ride full of itinerary pilgrims ♪

♪ The smell of these sheep is
the smell of these humans ♪

♪ So now you're traveling incognito ♪

♪ In a Mary Blue Fiat 5-0-0 ♪

♪ Dude ♪

♪ The dude ♪

♪ You're the dude ♪

♪ He's the dude ♪

- Where's the fire up on those threads?

♪ The dude ♪

- Oh, Gums is down for ride-a-long.

- The more the merrier.
♪ He's the dude ♪

(jazzy music)

♪ All this chocolate cake ♪

♪ Had enough sugar to make you shake ♪

♪ Caramel icing tasted great ♪

♪ On all this chocolate cake ♪

♪ Well, all my aunts
and uncles have died ♪

♪ They all went to the other side ♪

♪ When they got to the pearly gates ♪

♪ Saint Peter handed them chocolate cake ♪

♪ All this chocolate cake ♪

♪ Had enough sugar to make you shake ♪

♪ Caramel icing tasted great ♪

- This way.

(peacock cawing)

(phone jingle playing)

Cardinal.

This is Dimitri Leoni Dispuk Kamarazo.

We are trapped in a field
on a farm with two peacocks.

(peacocks cawing)

- These two dead batteries

are afraid of a couple of peacocks.

Where are there peacocks in Ohio?

- Your Eminence, there
are peacocks displaying

all over Ohio, it's the mating season.

- Dimitri.

- Yeah, here, yes, Your Eminence.

- Dimitri!

- Tell him something smart.

- Dimitri!

- Here, it's Webus.

- Who?
- The other brother.

- Webus, why are you in a field,

a farm in the middle of
nowhere with peacocks?

- We had to pee.

- Dimitri!

Dimitri.

- Yeah, yeah, yes.

- Drive through the birds
and catch up to the Pope.

Dimitri, did you ever
play capture the flag?

- Well, yes, just last week.

- Well, this is capture the Pope.

Now get moving.

(peacocks cawing)

- So why doesn't the
Church put its full weight

behind making divorce illegal?

- That is absurd.

No country would pass it.

- Well, not with that attitude.

- That is temporal, we are spiritual.

It is not our job to politic.

- Unless the temporal is
destroying the spiritual.

Unless you show some fortitude,

there'll be no one to hide
our priests in their basement

when the persecution comes.

- You're being a little bit
dramatic, don't you think?

- Well, just think about it.

- All right, I will.

Now, can we stop?

- Fine, no more discussion.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

I have to go again.

- Oh, okay.

- Yes.

- We're almost there.

- Good.

(grand music)

- I'll be in the gift shop
looking for a ball and chain.

- I will be in the bathroom.

(dramatic music)

- Hello.

- Hello, gentleman.

- I know this man.

- This is from.

Pope in castle.
- Pope in castle.

Cardinal Cariott.

This is Dimitri Leoni Disputin Kamarazo.

- I know it's you, how are we doing?

- We just see Pope, we
are at Loveland Castle.

The Pope just to go inside.

- Excellent.

Crush any resistance.

It is imperative that you
secure the Pope in the dungeon.

All of Christendom is counting on you.

- Yes, Your Eminence.

- Let me know when you've succeeded.

- Yes, Your Eminence, we go inside now.

- Yeah, good.

- You go that way.

I go this other way.

- But the Pope went straight.

- This is too easy, could be trap.

- Oh, Dimitri, this is why
you are bigger brother.

(dramatic music)

(door clanking)

- Do you know that we are on a mission

to actually save someone?

Actually two.

- We are on mission to
save all the Christendom.

- Who told you that?

- Cardinal Cariott sent us.

You have to stay here in
dungeon and pray reparations,

one day for every bad
priest in last 100 years.

- He said that?

- Yes, Your Popalness.

- Do you know that I am
deathly allergic to mold?

- No.

- How long do you think I would live

if locked away in a moldy dungeon?

- One day for every bad
priest in last 100 years.

- Lower.

- Six months.

- Lower yet.

- Six days?

- Perhaps.

And Cardinal Cariott put you up to this?

- But he never told us you would die.

This would be evil.

- My son, there are enemies both outside

and inside the Church.

This is one of those times.

When was the last time
you went to confession?

- Oh, I don't remember.

The last time Mama made us go.

- You are such a bright boy.

Come, sit down here

and tell me.

- Where is my brother?

- The Pope's hearing his confession.

- Well, I must get in.

We have mission.

- Oh yeah, well, so do I.

You're not gonna stop mine.

- But Cardinal Cariott say
we have to save Church.

- The Church always needs renewal

and the Holy Spirit is
taking care of that.

- Okay.

(dramatic music)

- From now on, your
name is no longer Webus.

It is Aloysius, your Christian name.

- Thank you.

I never liked Webus.

- Nobody liked Webus, everyone hated it.

Now, are you ready to have some fun?

- Oh yes.

- Now play along with me, huh?

- Okay.

- Ready?
- Yes.

- You did what?

- Stay right here.

(both laughing)

- Now, quickly, go and get
your brother and bring him in.

- [Aloysius] Yeah.

(door creaking)

(dramatic music)

- Sit.

I am going to ask you the same thing.

When was the last time
you went to confession?

- I do not remember.

- That is correct, you do not remember.

Whisper in my ear what
you wish to confess.

- I like "Die Hard 2"
better than "Die Hard 1."

- Very well.

Do you have a firm
purpose of making amends?

- Oh yes, Your Holiness, yes.

- Then I absolve you from your sins.

In the name of the Father,
the Son and the Holy Spirit.

- But Your Holiness,
should I not have penance?

- Dimitri, your penance is
to call Cardinal Cariott

and tell him that everything
is well here in the castle.

(both laughing)

- Watch this.

This is going to be good.

Your Eminence, this is Dimitri
Leoni Dispuk Kamarazo again.

- I know who it is.

- I wish to report that Pope
is secure in Loveland Castle.

- Excellent.

You both get a gold star.

Now, lay low, make yourself scarce.

Don't call me.

If you have any trouble,

I will disavow all knowledge
of your actions, capeesh?

- Yes, Your Eminence.

- Good.

(both laughing)

- Excellent, excellent.

How do you feel about
becoming my bodyguards?

- It would be honor of Dimitri life.

- Good.

(both laughing)

- I love it when a plan comes together.

- I wonder what name I should pick.

Bartholomew.
- Bartholomew.

- Oh, Senor, birds of
a feather fly together.

Woo!

- One down and two to go.

Ah, and here they are.

These two gentlemen are my new bodyguards.

Michael, where can they go to wait for us?

- Hmm.

Well, if they like ice cream,

there's a Whippy Dip down by the freeway.

- Whippy Dip?

No matter.

You two brothers go down
there and wait for us

and we'll pick you up on the way back.

- Shall we do what we came here for?

- Yes, let's do it.

I am anxious to meet these two.

(Pope knocking)

- You're him?

- Yes, my dear.

- Oh my.

I'm not worthy to have
you enter under my roof.

- Just say the word and I will.

- Word?

(gentle music)

(Beth laughing, snorting)

David, there's someone here to see you.

- Did mail come?

- No, somebody else showed up.

- Oh crap.

Are you kidding me?

A celebrity look-a-like.

This is Michael's doing, isn't it?

- You know that can't be.

- Oh, contrar.

Michael drove me here and
told me the whole story.

- He what?
- He what?

- He drove us all the way from Cleveland,

me and Michael, Spiro,
Jesse, and Gums and Roses.

And we had a couple of close
calls along the way too.

- Now I'm sure he's an imposter.

- I assure you I am the Pope.

- I think he is.

- No way.

Why would the Pope come
alone to Cincinnati?

In fact, how could he come alone?

Doesn't he always have an
entourage with him or something?

- Really, David, I am the Pope.

Non illegitimi carborundum.

- Huh?

(Pope speaking in foreign language)

- Come again?

- I am still the Pope and you are not.

- No, I am not and neither are you.

I'm David.

I don't know who you,

do you have a picture
or resume or something.

- Eh, eh, eh, eh.

I am telling you the truth.

Michael kidnapped me
and drove me here today.

- That's really impossible.

(Pope speaking in foreign language)

- Oh, a Pope who's into the Talking Heads.

- Michael died six months ago.

- Now I found him kneeling
in front of our mailbox,

stalker 'till the end.

- Stalkers don't have candles and a rosary

in their hands, David.

- Then who drove me?

- Call your agent, ask him.

- Wait a minute.

I can prove I am telling the truth.

Michael told me something that
only a husband would know.

- How did you know that?

- Michael told me so you would believe.

- Okay, suppose you are the
real Pope, why are you here?

- Why?

I am here to invite
you to join the Church.

Isn't that what you said it would take?

- No.

- Yes, don't lie to the Pope.

- Actually, I'm here for you too, my dear.

My predecessors made a big
effort to invite people

who have been divorced and
remarried with no annulment

to come back to Communion
in certain circumstances.

Why didn't you?

- I couldn't.

- Why?

- Because no matter what anyone says,

I knew it was wrong because
we didn't get an annulment.

- Okay buddy, you are outta here.

- David.

- Okay, fine, do whatever
you want with this imposter.

- Would you like for me to
take your confession, my dear?

- Yes, I would.

- Oh my God.

Gosh.

- Bless me, Father.

- Go on, my dear.

- I forgot.

- Tell me your sins and
we'll go from there.

- David.

(Davis snorting)

Is there anything else you
need to tell me about all this?

- No.

- Nothing at all since Michael died?

- No.

- You never told me how we
managed to pay off all the bills

and the mortgage and then go on vacation.

One day you were on a ledge and the next

you were whistling Dixie.

He left me money, didn't he?

- Oh, he left us a little, you a little.

- How much?

- 1,200,000.

- $1,200,000.

- Actually it was $1,206,856 to be exact,

plus house next door.

- He owned the house next
door with all the lights

and you didn't tell me.

- I was trying to protect you.

- Protect me?

Protect?

David Paul Sheba, I swear I am going to-

- Beth, Beth.

- At times like this, it is
best to do something normal.

(dinosaur roaring)

(Beth and Pope laughing)

- [TV Voice] Bad dinosaur, bad dinosaur.

(dinosaur belching)

(Pope screaming)
- Oh!

It's okay, it's just his CPAP.

He has to clean it.

- What are you guys watching?

- "Godzilla."

- Beth.

Come, it's funny, bring your mask.

- I've seen it, it is funny.

(David and Pope laughing)

Sweetheart, how long
are you guys gonna be?

- Now I'm a sweetheart.

- I better go.

- No, don't go, it's early.

- Yes, you two have
some things to work out.

- Thanks for coming,
best practical joke ever.

- David.

- [TV Voice] Is that more
beer? Great, more beer.

- I never knew you could
get them in cherry.

- This chocolate is money.

(bright music)

- You want a dip top?

- What is a dip top?

- What he's got.

Soft ice cream, hard shell top.

I'd start with the classic
chocolate on vanilla.

- Ah, the Whippy Dip.

- Yeah.

- I'll have chocolate on
chocolate with sprinkles.

- Jessie, Gums.

- Yeah, we'll both have the classic.

(heavenly music)

(camera shutter clicks)

(Pope laughing)

- Well, I'll be.

- It's getting too late
to drive back tonight

so you guys sack out in the cars.

The Pope and I have a
quick run in the morning

before we head back.

- We do?

- Yeah, we do.

- Are you the Archangel?

- No.

You don't see any wings, do ya?

- No.

- I'm just a trainee.

Second class.

(gentle music)

- [Beth] I'm going over
there in the morning.

- [David] Good, you can find out

what he was doing back there in the trees.

- [Beth] So you did know what
those lights were that I saw?

- [David] No, I didn't.

I knew he was up to something back there.

- [Beth] Oh, this just
gets better and better.

The birth mark on my thigh.

- [David] Your what?

- [Beth] Michael told the Pope.

The Pope told me.

- [David] Even when he's
dead, he's in our bed.

- How'd I not know you were this close

those last few months?

How could I let you die all alone?

(somber music)

(door clicks shut)

Michael, I thought you were gone.

- How do you know that
you won't save your spouse

with your steadfast example
of faith, hope and love?

- Michael?

(upbeat music)

Michael.

♪ Thinking of your tender touch ♪

♪ Must have loved you far too much ♪

♪ And I, I keep hoping that some day ♪

♪ You'll walk the path that leads my way ♪

♪ You'll walk the path that leads my way ♪

- Oh, magnificent.

Michael, you built this for me.

(gentle music)

Why do you love me so much?

I've never felt closer to
you than I do right now.

Michael, I am sorry.

I'm so sorry.

(gentle music continues)

- [David] Beth?

- Amazing, isn't it?

- Statue, aah.

- It's always the men who resent her.

But the women get it.

- Well, I don't.

So she had a kid.

- I don't think you can
make this journey with me.

Michael didn't cheat on me, did he?

- No.

- Then it was you, just like he said.

He wouldn't lie for you,

so you came after me to get even.

- I came after you 'cause I wanted you

more than anything in my life.

And don't get on your high
horse about what I did.

You wanted to leave him.

- What?

- You turned so easily.

Don't blame me.

You got what you wanted.

- I want my soul back.

And I want a husband who
wants his soul back too.

- Babe, you are so not getting that.

You want something that I never promised.

You changed, not me.

- Then go.

- Look, Beth, I.

I'm no good at, you know, religious stuff.

Forgive me if I would do
anything to have you for myself.

- It was wrong.

- He broke the guy code.

- The one where you lie and cheat for men

who lie and cheat on their wives?

- Sounded better in my head.

- There's a thin line
between love and hate

and right now you're on
the wrong side of it.

- What do you want?

- To keep your word.

The Pope came.

Oh my God, the flippin'
Pope came to our house

to offer you a personal invitation.

Get an annulment, marry me in the Church,

and don't be such a prick.

- All right.

I'll try.

(dramatic music)

- And there it is.

Finally.

I'm crushed,

like Jesus.

- Loving your enemies is never easy.

- They were never my enemies.

- I spy something blue.

- Ha, the dashboard.

- He got it the first try.

- Too bad it's not at night.

We could play padiddle.
- Oh, yeah.

- Poodle?

- Let's sing.

- Oh.

♪ Well I went to Cincinnati
and I walked around the block ♪

♪ And I walked right into a bakery shop ♪

♪ And I picked up a donut
hot out of the grease ♪

♪ And I handed the baker
off five cent piece ♪

♪ Well he looked at the
nickel and he looked at me ♪

♪ And he said, Young
man, it is plain to see ♪

♪ There was a hole in the nickel
and it goes right through ♪

♪ Said I, There's a
hole in your donut too ♪

♪ Thanks for a donut tap, tap ♪

(Michael laughing)

- So where do donut holes come from?

(all laughing)

Donut holes.

- Papa, how are you enjoying your trip?

- Well, it was unbelievable.

And by that I mean no
one will ever believe me.

(all laughing)

- Don't even try.

- You know, I understand why
Michael has kidnapped me.

I don't understand what
you guys are doing here.

- We need you to right the ship.

- He wants you to call a council.

- Three months in and you are asking me

to do something that only
happens every 300 years?

I'll die before it's even over.

- Over?

Over?

It ain't over 'till we say it's over!

- Nicely said.

- Oh, I cannot lead something that big.

I would lose control.

And the Church, the
Church would be destroyed.

- Call it.

(thunder crashing)

- You just had to ask.

- We gotta go.

- Catch you when I come back.

(dramatic music)

- Hit me.

- Why?

- Just hit me.

- Okay.

- Ow.

- It's okay.

I was hoping it was a dream,
but clearly I'm awake.

- Well, you did get a nice nap in

from Chillicothe to Wooster.

Hey, thank you.

Two down, eight billion to go.

- Just doing my job.

Oh and about Beth and David.

With enemies like you, who needs friends?

(both laughing)

- Oh,

where I'm going, I won't
need these anymore.

- Dimitri, Aloysius, get my things.

- I carry.

- No, no, no, you drop too much, I carry.

- I am bigger brother, carry hat.

- Ooh, camera, camera.

Here, you take picture.

America.
- America.

(camera shutter clicks)

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I go that way, you go this way.

- Why don't we just go straight in?

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

He's too easy, could be trap.

- Getting good, my brother.

- You did.

(grand music)

Did you miss me?

(press laughing)

Sit, sit, sit, sit.

- Were you kidnapped?

- I know you would like
to know where I was

and what I was doing, et
cetera, et cetera, et cetera,

but all I can really tell
you is that everything

that I was doing is under
the seal of confession.

So how do you say I scuffed some wine

to take back to the Vatican?

Yes, Ohio wine is a very good wine, no?

(all laughing)

Ah, he knows.

And sometimes I feel like I'm
the only cowboy in Ohio today.

(press laughing)

Comedy is easy, dying is hard.

- Why won't the Church get with the times?

- Why want the times get with the Church?

- Your Holiness, what are you doing

about the scandals within the Church?

- There will always be
scandals in the Church.

The Institution is divine,
but the people in it are not.

We must do everything we
can to heal the victims

of our sins.

The real scandal is the
hierarchy protecting itself

while the sheep are slaughtered,

which is precisely why the
Church has real standards for us

to be judged objectively by when we sin.

The devil, the devil loves
to turn a priest, why?

Because he knows he can take
so many others with him.

But there are hundreds
and thousands of priests

who have given their lives to
the sheep and have not fallen.

We must say thank you to them every day,

every time we see them.

- But what are you going to do yourself?

- Believe in our Lord Savior Jesus Christ.

Serve God in truth.

Pray and love each and everyone
as God has loved us Himself.

For in the end, that is the
only thing that one man can do.

And since the Church is
always in need of renewal,

I will call the Third Vatican Council

to put the permanence of marriage

back into the center of our faith again

and declare spiritual
warfare against divorce.

Other than that, nothing.

Thank you, thank you for coming.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you for coming.

- What's he doing calling a council?

He's just a temp, a caretaker.

- Don't worry about it, Cardinal.

This could play right into our hands.

- And just how could that be, horn blower?

- If we could be sure that he dies

while we're at the council,

all the cardinals would already
be in Rome for the vote.

- If, I don't like that word, if.

(press chatting)

- Pontiff Cariott.

- Yes, Your Holiness.

- May I have a word?

- Oh.

Nice suits, matching.

Eyebrows as well.

Holy Father, I'm so glad
to see you home safely,

but you must prepare us
for this type of thing

in the future so we do not worry so much.

- So nice of you to express
such sentiment, Cardinal.

Would you like me to
hear your confession now?

- But Your Holiness, I
have nothing to confess.

- I see.

Then are you prepared to
go to the ends of the earth

to proclaim the gospel?

- Most certainly, Your holiness.

- I have a new assignment for you

where you can put such
commitment into practice.

- Yes.

- You are now the Cardinal
Archbishop in Sheberghen

in Northern Afghanistan.

Well the harvest is few,
but the workers are small.

- Afghanistan, the sandy, rocky one?

- [Beth] Shall we pray?

- Sure.

Lord, let me get some sleep tonight.

- That's not a prayer.

- Well, sure it is.

- For other people.

- Then teach me.

- All right.

But once you know how, you have to lead.

- Okay.

By the way,

happy anniversary.

I promise next year I'll remember.

(both clapping)

Wanna play spaceman?

(Beth laughing)

This is one small step for man

(David breathing)

One giant leap for man freakin' kind.

- Oh, you're so full of
it, he never said that.

- Oh, sure he did.

See, he was on a delay and
he fell down the first time

and had to do it again so
we only saw the second take.

- We need a second take, not Neil.

- Okay, take two.

We're lost in space!

(both laughing)

(masks clunk)

Ow.
- Ow.

(Beth laughing)

(dramatic Middle Eastern music)

(wind howling)

- Drat!

- The stone soup's almost
ready, Your Eminence.

We can play fish later if you like.

- Oh, shut up.

- Yes, Your eminence.

(dogs howling, barking)

(upbeat music)

♪ You ask me for a reason why I love you ♪

♪ Darned if I can tell you why I do ♪

♪ You set your smile on
me and how you hold me ♪

♪ Mostly I just love
you 'cause you're you ♪

♪ The sun upon my face is so much warmer ♪

♪ The moon, it looms
much larger in my view ♪

♪ The stars are in my eyes
and they're much brighter ♪

♪ All because I love you like I do ♪

♪ Together or apart ♪

♪ You were always in my heart ♪

♪ All I really know is you make me happy ♪

♪ So you ask me for a
reason why I love you ♪

♪ Darned if I know why,
but still it's true ♪

♪ Even God may have no better answer ♪

♪ Than mostly I just love
you 'cause you're you ♪

♪ Mostly I just love
you 'cause you're you ♪

♪ And I will always love you ♪

♪ 'Cause you're you ♪

(upbeat music)