All language subtitles for The King of Queens - S03E19 - Package Deal (1080p x265 EDGE2020)-ing

[Thuds]

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Doug, what are you doing?
It's 5:30 in the morning.

They closed down
union turnpike.

I gotta leave for work now
if I'm gonna beat the traffic.

Just go to sleep.
Go to sleep. Shh.

Curl up like a baby bear.
There you go.

[Sighs]

[Sighing]

Ok, shh. Settle down.

Shh. I'm ok.

[Sighs]

[Cluttering]

Without waking up,

do you have any idea
where my work shirt would be?

Check the floor.

I got it. I got it.
Go back to sleep.

You're dreaming.
You're dreaming.

You're rollerblading naked
with Tony danza.

Then you're ironing his shirt.

♪ My eyes
are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here
in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge
tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care,
'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check
and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin'
home to you ♪

[Car approaching]

Hey, Carrie.

Oh, hey, Lou.

What have you got there?

Ah, I finally decided to
spring for an air conditioner.

Between my dad and Doug,

that living room can get
pretty ripe in August.
You know what I'm sayin'?

You need any help?

Oh, no, I--I think I can...

Actually, you're strong
for a living, right?

I got it.

Thanks. You got it?

Where do you want it?

Right there's fine.
It's just gonna go
in that window.

I could put it in for you.
I'm free all day tomorrow.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's way too nice.

Please, it's no problem.

My God, you are
such a sweetheart.

And listen,
if there's ever anything
I can do for you...

Can you get your husband
to stop making hulk jokes?

I don't think so.
I'm sorry.

Although, there is one thing.

You know what?
I shouldn't bother you.

No, no. Come on,
come on, what is it?

Well, my wife
usually does it for me,
but she's out of town.

Ok.

No, nothing like that.

It's just that
I have to do a posing
at a gym opening next week,

and it's a last-minute thing,
and, uh...

And? Come on.
What is it?

Would you spread
tanning cream on my body?

Attention. I.P.S. Driver
in the house.

But don't worry,
I come in peace.

Hey, I'm lookin'
for chip diggins?

Thanks.

Chip? Hey, man,
I--I got a package for you.

Oh. Great.

How's it feel
to be on the other side?

Hmm?

You and I, we're--we're used
to givin' packages,

but now you're gettin' one.

Uh, it feels pretty much
like you'd expect.

What, you never got a package?

Just making conversation, guy.

Doug!

Mitch! Hey, man.
I haven't seen you
since I.P.S.

I know, I know.

Clean up nice.

Yeah, well,
I'm in personnel now.
I gotta look my best.

What brings you by?

Oh, I just had a delivery.

Really? Out here
in the boonies?

Can't believe
they still got you
working zone 12.

Yeah. Why?

Well, it's just that
you were workin' zone 12

when I left 2 years ago.

You took some time off?
Were you injured?

No, no. It's a tough route,
but they only give
the tough routes

to the tough drivers,
am I right?

Why? You think I should have
a better route?

I don't know.
But I tell you one thing,

if you worked here,
you'd write your own ticket,
my friend.

Really?

You kidding me?
With your experience, you'd
be working kew gardens now.

Kew gardens? They got trees.

Anyway,
just one man's opinion.

Ooh, Doug,
love to stay and chat,

but Rodriguez
ain't gonna fire himself.

Hey, it's good to see you.

Have a mug.

This is very sweet
of you.

Hey, it's what neighbors do.

Don't forget my obliques.

Ok, kitten.

Hey.

So, what's for dinner?

I don't know,
but whatever it is, it's gonna
have a gorgeous tan.

What's the matter?

What's the matter?

All these years at I.P.S.,
I'm still delivering
in zone 12.

So?

12.

12.

12!

I'm familiar with the number,
but why is it bad?

Because it's the crap zone.

It's far away,
it's full of potholes,

there's hookers
on every corner.

P.S., most of them
are pretty skanky.

Honey, you've had
this same route for years.

What's the deal today?

The deal is,
I ran into an old friend
of mine

who works in personnel
at fedex.

You know what he told me?
If I was over there,
I could write my own ticket.

My own ticket.
I never had my own ticket!

Really? That's--that's great.

It's just not fair, you know?

I'm at I.P.S. 8 years,
and they still treat me
like a pack mule.

You know,
I'm at fedex 5 minutes,

they treat me
like a valuable person,

and they give me
a beautiful mug.

Where is it?

Handle snapped off.

Driving over
a zone 12 pothole.

Doug, maybe it's time
to think about makin' a move.

What do you mean?

Goin' to work for fedex.

No, no, no--
why not?

No, that'd be--
it's like a big deal.

I'd have to
empty out my locker,

bring home
my George foreman grill.

All right. You know what?
Fine. Do whatever you want.

(Lou)
Carrie?

Excuse me. I have to go
finish off Lou.

Now, come on, Carrie.
I wasn't sayin'
I wanted to change jobs.

I was just
blowin' off steam.

You know,
I'm pretty happy
where I am.

Now you're happy.
5 seconds ago,

you were ranting
about how they treat you
like an animal.

The beer's kicked in.

All right, you know what?
I don't want to get involved,

because when I do,
you just drive me crazy.

So, you drink your beer,
and I'll spread
my tanning cream.

Fine.

Besides, I just don't think
I'd fit in over at fedex.

What are you talkin' about?
It's the same exact job
you do now.

Only in a blue uniform.

There you go.
I can't wear blue.

You said yourself,
I'm an autumn.

All right. Maybe you don't
have to actually take the job
at fedex,

but could you at least...
Forget it.

What?

No, never mind.
Forget it.

Doug, I think Carrie's sayin'
that you could use the heat
from fedex

to put the screen on I.P.S.

Thank you.

Doug, you're hot.
You're in play. Use it.

It works. I got a nice rate
on the hulk when they wanted
me on the bionic woman.

Huh, huh? The bionic woman.

Hey.
Hey, man.

So, the new boy
seems ok, huh?

Yeah. Good-lookin' guy.

I guess.

Just seems to me,
if you're secure
in your manhood,

you don't need
to look all attractive.

Zone 1. All right.

Zone 1? He's been here a week,
he gets zone 1?

It took me 4 years
to get zone 1.

I never had it!

I gotta tell you, man,
I am so fed up with the way
I get treated around here.

(O'Boyle)
Hey, how you doing?

Don't tell me, tell O'Boyle.

Maybe I will.
Go ahead.

Oh, I'm gonna go.
I'm goin'.

Ok, go.

Oh, it's on, baby.

Do it, man!

It's done.

Just give me
a little push.

Oh!

Sorry.

How 'bout dinner and drinks
before you get
that close, huh, chief?

Supervisor O'Boyle?

Yeah, Doug, what up?

Uh, it just happened to come
to my attention

that you assigned
the new guy to zone 1.

Yeah?

Well, it's just that
that's the best zone.

I mean, is that like
a welcome to the company
kind of thing

instead of a basket or...

No. No, that's his zone.

Although, he did
get the basket, too.

Plus, I think, some coupons
for loews theaters.

I guess
I just don't understand

why the new guy
lucks out with a zone

that's all light packages
for suburban housewives?

Well, look at the guy, Doug.

Come on. He's gorgeous.

Listen, I--I gotta
jump on the horn.

Somehow 100 pints of plasma
wound up
at tavern on the green.

I got a very angry
maitre d' to deal with.

I'm in play.

Pardon?

Yeah. You know,
I--I didn't want
to say anything,

but I got a lot
of heat on me.

Lotta heat.

What--what are you
saying?

You saying
there's another company
interested in you?

Ah, yes, there is.

Who?

Well, I'm really
not at liberty

to disclose
that information.

Let's just say
it ends in "x."

Gas-x?

Fedex.

Oh. Fedex. Wow.

Now, if we could, uh,
come to some
kind of agreement,

you know,
regarding my route,

I'd be happy to tell fedex
to overnight their offer

to where
the sun don't shine.

[Laughs]

Puttin' the squeeze
on the ol' boss, huh?

Maybe just a touch.

You're a good worker, Doug,
and I'd hate to lose you,

so what's it gonna take
to make you happy?

Zone 1.
No can do. Anything else?

Zone 2?

2? That's right next to 1.

Then zone 3 or 4.
It doesn't matter.
Anything with single digits.

Hmm, nope. Nope. No way.

Tell you what,
if you can wait a year,
I can get you 13.

I'm in 12 now!

Listen, Doug.
I'm tryin' to work with you.
What do you want from me?

I want the respect
that I deserve. You know?

I've been here 8 years,
and I'm a good driver.

I should have zone 1.

And if I don't get it,
I'll...

You'll what?

I'll, you know--
I-I'm gonna quit.

Ok, Doug. You win.

Boy, I-I'm gonna catch hell
for this,

but here's what
I'm gonna do.

From now on, zone 12
renamed zone 1

and vice versa.

That's the same zone!
That doesn't help at all!

Well, I'm all
out of ideas, Doug.

Listen, you gotta do
what you gotta do, ok?

So, good luck over there
at gas-x.

Fedex.

[Doorbell rings]

Hey, there, Louis.

Is this a good time for me
to put in the air conditioner?

Yeah, you bet.
Come on in.

Oh, by the way,
how do you like my tan?

Hmm. I don't like it.

Really?

I love it!

No kidding.

Lou, you look fantastic.

A dark, rich,
even tan in march?

God, that stuff
is amazing.

The best you can buy.

God, look at me
compared to you.

I look so pale
and pasty.

You look fine.

No, I'm white as a sheet.
I look like I'm touring
with mummenschanz.

You want me to get you
a couple bottles?

Really? Yeah,
thank you.

Hey.

Hey, honey.

Hey, Lou.

Doug.

Uh, honey, could I talk
to you in the kitchen
alone or something?

Oh, you don't have
to go anywhere.

You know I'm hard of hearing,
and I won't read your lips.
I promise.

All right. Fine.
I lost my job today.

What?

Sorry.

You lost your job?
Yeah.

What happened?

I tried to bluff O'Boyle
with the fedex thing,

and he didn't bite.
He just let me walk out.

Well, why the hell
were you talkin' to O'Boyle?

'Cause you kept saying
how much heat I had on me,

that I was in play!
I thought you wanted me
to talk to him.

Not without preparation,

some rehearsal,
some index cards.

For the love of God,
I didn't want you
to just wing it!

Well, too late.
It's already wung.

Well, you know what? I mean...

So, you just go back
and tell O'Boyle
it was a mistake.

You know what, you tell him
that you were dehydrated
and exhausted.

Oh, better yet, tell him
you mixed pills and booze
and you had a bad reaction.

You do understand
my job is driving?

All right.

Well, you know what?
Maybe this is not so bad.

I mean, they still love you
at fedex.

Go, fedex! Whoo!

Hey, Mitch.

Doug. Hey, you got
another delivery for us?

Yup. A 250-pound package
of Doug heffernan.

What?

I left I.P.S.

Really? Why?

Well, let's just say
they pushed and I pushed back.
Shall we talk?

Come on. Sure.
Come on in my office.

Gonna be great if I can get
a route in rego park.

That way,
I could stop home for lunch.

But, hey,
not a deal-breaker.

[Clears throat]

So, why should
the fedex company
hire Doug heffernan?

What?

What would a Doug heffernan
bring to fedex?

I-I'd--I'd bring myself.

And my lunch
if I don't get rego park.

[Chuckling]

No, I think I'd, uh...

Hey, cast away. Whoa.

No, I'd bring a lot of things.

I'm a-- I'm a real good,
dependable driver.
You know, um...

I've got
a pleasant personality.
I'm relatively hygienic.

And I've been told
I'm quite the cutup.

Cutup, uh-huh.

And where do you see yourself
in the future?

You got a 5-year plan?

5 years? Uh, yeah.

I hope to be
still delivering packages,
only in a hovercraft.

[Imitating engine]

Hey, package for Mr. spacely.

[Laughs]

You are quite the cutup.
Here's the thing, though.

We're really
not hiring at the moment.

What?

Yeah. We're a little lean
and mean right now, so...

You just told me
how great I was,

how, if I was here,
I could write my own ticket!

That was just friends talkin'.

What am I gonna say,
you're the heaviest
I've ever seen you?

I quit my job!

Doug, look, tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'll leave your application
on file.

I don't want my application
on file, man.

That's a death warrant!

Look, Mitch,
I can do this job.
I want this job.

Look at this. See?
Hey, fedex calling.

[Growls]

Mitchell, Mitch,
Mitch, listen to me.

I am not leavin' this building
until you hire me.

Now, we both know
I'm the man for the job.

Look in my eyes!
See the passion?

I know you're thinkin'
deep down inside,

I'm gonna roll the dice
on this kid.

Security.

Morning, baby.

What you doing?

Looking through
the want ads.
Doug--

I'm looking through
the want ads.
Leave me alone!

Would you just
call O'Boyle?

He's dead to me.

You are just so damn stubborn.

Just--just crawl back
and--and take your crap.

I do it.

For God's sakes, my boss,
he throws his shoes at me.

I just duck
and get on with my life.

That's you, ok?
I want more
out of my job, ok?

I want happiness,
I want respect,
and I'm gonna get it,

even if that means
slaughtering pigs
for $6 an hour.

All right.
You know what, Doug?

If you wanna
find a new job,

then--then I support you.

Thank you.

Honey, didn't Lou tell you
to go easy
on that tanning cream?

Yeah? So?

So? How many coats is that?

One.

Ok, maybe 3.

Oh, Doug,
you don't understand.

People have been tellin' me
I've never looked better.
This stuff is magic!

Well, Dougie ain't got
no job now, and that magic
costs $18 a bottle.

So slap on a coat of sealant
and call it a day.

Fine.

Besides, I can live without
the smeared brown handprints
all over the house.

It's starting to look
like a crime scene.

I said fine.

Aha. Look at this right here.
Look. Look.

Look what I found,
miss doubting thomasina, huh.

"Metro courier service
in midtown Manhattan.

"Experienced
delivery personnel
needed immediately.

Good pay.
Flexible hours."

Well, looks like daddy
landed back on his feet.

[Blowing whistle]

[Cars honking]

Respect the signal, dude!

[Continues blowing whistle]

Doug?

Carrie?

Hey, honey.

My God! How much
of that tanning stuff
are you using?

None.

None? You look like seal!

For your information,

I had lunch outside today.

Well, unless you had it
8 feet from the sun,

I'd say
you got a roaring
tanning cream addiction.

Can we forget
about me, please?
What are you doing?

Whose bike is this?

Metro courier's.

You're a bike messenger?

A bike courier,
and I happen to enjoy it.

Oh, come on.
You can't be enjoying this.

Yeah, well, I do.

Doug, I am begging you,

let's cut you
out of those pants

and get you back
to I.P.S., please.

No. You know what?
If they can live without me,

I can live without them.

All right?
Now, if you will excuse me,

I need to figure out
a way to pedal
through the midtown tunnel.

(Doug)
No seat!

Hey, there.

Hey, Doug.
What brings you by?

I just wanted to drop off
all my uniforms.

I--I had 'em martinized
for you.

I don't know what that means,
but it cost me a buck extra.

Well, thanks.

So how's your job there
at fedex?

Oh, actually, you know what?
I passed on 'em. Yeah.

You know what it is?
Didn't quite work
into my 5-year plan.

Didn't see it happening.
Went over to Metro courier.
Good outfit.

Oh. Those the guys deliver
on skates?

No, no, no, no. They, uh,
they stopped doin' that
years ago

when they lost a few guys.

Huh, it's all scooters
and bikes. I'm on a bike.

It's very pleasant, actually.
Very pleasant.

You want your job back,
don't you?

Certainly do. Yes.

Now, what about
this respect thing?
You still into that?

Not so much. No. No.

I think once you been
violated by a 10-speed,

your priorities
kind of change.

I heard that.
All right.

You can come back, Doug.
See you in the morning.
Oh.

Well, thank you.
Thank you so much.

You know that thing
you said about,

you know,
calling zone 12 zone 1?

I think I--I might be
willing to--to go for that
after all.

Nah. You see, Doug,
if I let you do it,

then everybody's gonna
want to rename their zone,
zone 1.

You know, it's a--
it's a slippery slope,
my friend.

Ok, what if you and I
just call it zone 1
when we're alone?

Alone? What are you
getting at?

Aw, forget it.
How about giving me
a--a welcome basket?

Doug, again
with the slippery...

Well, look, man,
I been here 8 years!

You gotta give me somethin'!

Movie passes?

[Sighs]

All right. What the hell?

All right.

Welcome back, Doug.

Well, thank you.
It's nice to be back, sir.

And good to be appreciated.

Ah, great.

Wait a sec.
These--these passes
have expired.

It's cool. It's cool.
It's cool. It's cool.

No. You know what?
If they can live without me,
I can live without them.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need a way to--

(man)
One more time!

No. No, no. If they can live
without me,
I can live without them.

Ok? Now,
if you'll excuse me,

I have to figure out
a way to--

I'm laughing at...

Hey, you know what?
If they can't live
without me,

then I can't live
without them.