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1
00:00:11,407 --> 00:00:14,160
Bene edamus
2
00:00:14,207 --> 00:00:16,880
Bene bibamus
3
00:00:16,927 --> 00:00:22,126
Epulas semper concelebramus
4
00:00:22,167 --> 00:00:24,601
Quod imperat regina
5
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Nil impediat doctrina
6
00:00:27,647 --> 00:00:30,923
Sed choro sonoro
7
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Dives in omnia
8
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Sed choro sonoro
9
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Dives in omnia
10
00:00:38,647 --> 00:00:44,643
Collegium, Collegium acclamus!
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Porterhouse! Porterhouse!
12
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To live and die in Porterhouse
13
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Dives in omnia
14
00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:21,466
(Clock chiming)
15
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Yoo-hoo!
16
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:30,207
Mr Skullion! l want my keys!
17
00:01:32,730 --> 00:01:35,403
l think you've got someone in there
with you.
18
00:01:35,450 --> 00:01:37,566
Right, l'll get them myself, then.
19
00:01:37,610 --> 00:01:39,487
No, you won't, Mrs Biggs.
20
00:01:39,530 --> 00:01:40,201
(Chuckles)
21
00:01:41,130 --> 00:01:46,250
Look at you. Somebody must've wanted
to take a real poke at you.
22
00:01:46,290 --> 00:01:48,929
l'll thank you to mind your own business
Mrs Biggs.
23
00:01:54,370 --> 00:01:56,838
(Laughing)
24
00:01:56,890 --> 00:02:02,840
Seen his whopper?
Mr Skullion's got such a whopper!
25
00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:05,848
- ( Mrs Biggs singing)
- Nice woman, that.
26
00:02:15,010 --> 00:02:17,080
Oh!
27
00:02:17,130 --> 00:02:20,805
(Mrs Biggs) You may see a stranger
28
00:02:21,690 --> 00:02:29,404
You may see a stranger
across a crowded room
29
00:02:29,450 --> 00:02:32,044
- Decent, Mr Zipser?
- Coming, Mrs Biggs.
30
00:02:32,090 --> 00:02:34,650
- l'll bet! (Laughs)
- Sorry to keep you.
31
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You couldn't afford to, dear.
32
00:02:40,130 --> 00:02:42,405
Well, look at you.
33
00:02:42,450 --> 00:02:45,920
You've had a sleepless night, haven't you?
Something on your mind?
34
00:02:48,090 --> 00:02:51,685
My husband used to rip up the sheets
something terrible when he was alive.
35
00:02:51,730 --> 00:02:54,483
Mind you, that was mostly to get at me.
36
00:02:54,530 --> 00:02:57,727
lt's all he ever thought about,
really, me.
37
00:02:57,770 --> 00:02:59,761
And his whippets.
38
00:02:59,810 --> 00:03:03,041
That's what killed him in the end -
taking them for a run
39
00:03:03,090 --> 00:03:05,206
after a night of amour with me.
40
00:03:10,770 --> 00:03:12,089
Ah!
41
00:03:16,810 --> 00:03:19,324
Terrible about Mr Skullion, isn't it?
42
00:03:20,970 --> 00:03:24,849
Big black eye out to here. A right purler.
43
00:03:24,890 --> 00:03:27,006
Not before time, either -
that's what l says to him.
44
00:03:27,050 --> 00:03:30,247
''Somebody must've wanted to take
a real poke at you.''
45
00:03:30,810 --> 00:03:32,607
(Vacuum cleaner starts up)
46
00:03:32,650 --> 00:03:35,642
Mrs Biggs, l'd like to take
a real poke at you.
47
00:03:35,690 --> 00:03:37,646
(Cleaner stops)
48
00:03:37,690 --> 00:03:40,807
- What's that you said?
- Nothing.
49
00:03:51,010 --> 00:03:52,887
Bag's full.
50
00:03:52,930 --> 00:03:55,569
You can't get any suction
when the bag's full.
51
00:04:02,970 --> 00:04:04,483
(Zipser gasping)
52
00:04:04,530 --> 00:04:06,725
Mr Zipser, are you all right?
53
00:04:08,610 --> 00:04:09,929
l'm not myself.
54
00:04:09,970 --> 00:04:13,121
- Fearful things are happening.
- You ought to see a doctor.
55
00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:15,126
Do you often get took queer?
56
00:04:15,170 --> 00:04:17,445
- Certainly not!
- l was only asking.
57
00:04:17,490 --> 00:04:22,120
l had a young man once, just like you,
got took queer every now and then.
58
00:04:22,170 --> 00:04:25,640
He threw himself about
and wriggled something terrible.
59
00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:30,842
lt took all my weight to hold him down,
it did.
60
00:04:33,930 --> 00:04:35,886
l'll get you some cocoa.
61
00:04:47,850 --> 00:04:50,410
- Morning, my dear.
- There you are, Godber.
62
00:04:50,450 --> 00:04:52,759
Non-specific urethritis
63
00:04:52,810 --> 00:04:55,404
has reached epidemic proportions
amongst school leavers.
64
00:04:55,450 --> 00:04:59,363
- Has it, my dear?
- l've been thinking about Lady Mary Hall.
65
00:04:59,410 --> 00:05:01,844
lt must be co-educational, Godber.
66
00:05:01,890 --> 00:05:05,724
Women are constantly disadvantaged
in the ancient universities.
67
00:05:05,770 --> 00:05:09,080
- Jill Tweedie says so.
- That could be going too far too soon.
68
00:05:09,130 --> 00:05:12,247
l've just spent an hour studying
the college accounts.
69
00:05:12,290 --> 00:05:17,569
As far as l can understand,
this college is about €1 million into the red.
70
00:05:17,610 --> 00:05:20,078
- How can it possibly be?
- l've not idea.
71
00:05:20,130 --> 00:05:24,965
But l certainly intend to find out.
This college is not going to be a sinecure.
72
00:05:25,010 --> 00:05:27,478
That's why you turned down the Bahamas.
73
00:05:27,530 --> 00:05:33,287
Nonetheless, Godber, it's your duty
to make Lady Mary Hall co-educational.
74
00:05:33,330 --> 00:05:35,560
Women are just as cheap as men.
75
00:05:35,610 --> 00:05:38,920
Must, must, must, duty, duty, duty.
76
00:05:38,970 --> 00:05:40,323
What did you say, Godber?
77
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l said l must call the Bursar
about the accounts.
78
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lt's my duty.
79
00:05:45,490 --> 00:05:48,562
l did meet one promising student last night.
80
00:05:48,610 --> 00:05:52,364
A Mr Zipser. You must look out for him.
81
00:06:07,570 --> 00:06:09,288
Ah! You, Mr Zipser.
82
00:06:09,330 --> 00:06:12,527
Yes, Mr Skullion.
l had to come and say sorry.
83
00:06:14,610 --> 00:06:15,929
How do you mean, sorry?
84
00:06:15,970 --> 00:06:18,564
- Sorry l hit you last night.
- Oh.
85
00:06:18,610 --> 00:06:20,999
What makes you think that you hit me?
86
00:06:22,690 --> 00:06:24,681
Well, anyway, l'm sorry.
87
00:06:24,730 --> 00:06:27,483
You thought l was gonna report you,
didn't you? Well, l ain't.
88
00:06:27,530 --> 00:06:31,159
Got away, you see. You can't catch 'em,
you can't report 'em.
89
00:06:31,210 --> 00:06:34,759
That's the custom that's been handed
down, so just count yourself lucky.
90
00:06:34,810 --> 00:06:36,766
No, l was worried you might be hurt.
91
00:06:36,810 --> 00:06:38,209
Me? Hurt?
92
00:06:38,250 --> 00:06:39,968
Huh. What's a little hurt matter?
93
00:06:43,210 --> 00:06:46,680
- l don't understand.
- l know you don't, Mr Zipser.
94
00:06:46,730 --> 00:06:49,927
- Mr Giminghams. Keys to the boathouse?
- Please.
95
00:06:49,970 --> 00:06:53,246
Well, anyway, l'm sorry.
96
00:06:56,410 --> 00:06:59,243
You would understand
if you was a gentleman.
97
00:06:59,850 --> 00:07:02,410
- Beastly little swot.
- Mm.
98
00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:11,441
You know, Skullion, my father told me
a rather interesting story about you.
99
00:07:11,490 --> 00:07:15,165
Oh, yes, l remember him, sir.
Now, he was a gentleman.
100
00:07:15,210 --> 00:07:19,044
He told me you got him through tripos
without him sitting the papers.
101
00:07:21,730 --> 00:07:24,164
l think he was having you on,
Mr Gimingham.
102
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:25,484
Oh, come on, Skullion.
103
00:07:25,530 --> 00:07:28,283
Now, look, you know me.
Been busy rowing.
104
00:07:28,330 --> 00:07:30,639
Drinking and wenching.
105
00:07:30,690 --> 00:07:35,127
So how do they expect me to pass history?
l mean, it's all nonsense.
106
00:07:35,170 --> 00:07:39,129
- You never learn anything from a book.
- Try opening one, Mr Gimingham.
107
00:07:39,170 --> 00:07:40,922
Not much fun, is it?
108
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,360
l'd rather be a Skullion's Scholar.
109
00:07:51,690 --> 00:07:54,841
l haven't done that for some time,
Mr Gimingham.
110
00:07:54,890 --> 00:07:57,324
What are you after, a nice little third?
111
00:07:57,370 --> 00:08:00,407
No, Skullion.
l'm going into offshore banking.
112
00:08:00,450 --> 00:08:02,202
That's more an upper second.
113
00:08:02,250 --> 00:08:03,842
(Sucks teeth)
114
00:08:03,890 --> 00:08:07,007
You need a very good research student
for that, sir.
115
00:08:07,050 --> 00:08:10,167
Would 500 concentrate the mind?
116
00:08:10,210 --> 00:08:12,963
- Oh...
- And the same again for the nerd.
117
00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:14,921
(Coughs)
118
00:08:14,970 --> 00:08:18,280
There's only one here who can do that
in history and he's just left.
119
00:08:18,330 --> 00:08:20,719
- What, Zipser?
- Beggars can't be choosers.
120
00:08:20,770 --> 00:08:24,001
- He'll get you a nice little second.
- He wouldn't do it for me.
121
00:08:24,050 --> 00:08:27,167
There's no need for him to know too much,
Mr Gimingham.
122
00:08:27,210 --> 00:08:31,123
There are ways
in which these things can be...
123
00:08:31,170 --> 00:08:33,206
fixed.
124
00:08:33,250 --> 00:08:36,322
Don't forget the keys to the boathouse,
Mr Gimingham.
125
00:08:36,370 --> 00:08:39,248
Keep your eye away from the keyholes,
Skullion.
126
00:08:40,610 --> 00:08:42,680
Thank you very much, sir.
127
00:08:52,610 --> 00:08:54,123
(Knocking)
128
00:08:54,170 --> 00:08:55,808
Come.
129
00:08:55,850 --> 00:08:59,889
Professor Siblington, l've an appointment
to discuss my thesis with you.
130
00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:02,046
Really?
131
00:09:02,090 --> 00:09:03,409
Come in.
132
00:09:04,290 --> 00:09:06,042
Shut the door.
133
00:09:09,170 --> 00:09:12,719
Sit down. Move that laundry.
134
00:09:15,650 --> 00:09:18,005
What is the subject of your thesis?
135
00:09:18,050 --> 00:09:21,167
Pumpernickel as a factor in the politics
of 16th century Westphalia.
136
00:09:21,210 --> 00:09:24,600
l couldn't supervise that.
l greatly doubt if it was.
137
00:09:24,650 --> 00:09:27,289
- What?
- l greatly doubt if pumpernickel
138
00:09:27,330 --> 00:09:30,208
was a factor in...
what you said it was a factor in.
139
00:09:30,250 --> 00:09:33,242
Professor Siblington,
you gave me the topic.
140
00:09:33,290 --> 00:09:35,963
You've been supervising it for two years.
141
00:09:36,010 --> 00:09:39,082
Two boring, victimised, neglected years.
142
00:09:39,130 --> 00:09:42,167
Then you'd better show me
a portion of your endeavours.
143
00:09:42,210 --> 00:09:46,761
- l gave you three chapters a month ago.
- Must be in all that rubbish over there.
144
00:09:46,810 --> 00:09:49,449
- l trust you kept a copy?
- No, l didn't.
145
00:09:49,490 --> 00:09:54,120
lt's the first thing l tell my students
if l see them - which l rarely do -
146
00:09:54,170 --> 00:09:56,126
always keep a copy.
147
00:09:56,170 --> 00:10:01,290
One can hardly be responsible for the
accumulated detritus of the second year.
148
00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:04,527
lt's lost, isn't it? Two years of work.
149
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:07,323
Stop whining, man.
Sit down and have a bun.
150
00:10:09,410 --> 00:10:11,082
You seem overwrought, to me.
151
00:10:11,130 --> 00:10:14,486
Finding research too much of a strain?
152
00:10:15,850 --> 00:10:18,842
Or is it...more personal?
153
00:10:20,450 --> 00:10:22,759
How did you know?
154
00:10:22,810 --> 00:10:25,244
lt always is.
155
00:10:25,290 --> 00:10:27,884
Why God gave us genitals,
l cannot imagine.
156
00:10:27,930 --> 00:10:30,967
lt's a great distraction to scholarship.
157
00:10:32,450 --> 00:10:34,645
l've become obsessed...
158
00:10:34,690 --> 00:10:36,999
madly obsessed with my bedder.
159
00:10:38,610 --> 00:10:41,044
l don't do sex, young man.
160
00:10:42,490 --> 00:10:44,321
Just theses.
161
00:10:44,370 --> 00:10:47,726
l think you'd better go and have tea
with the Chaplain.
162
00:10:50,010 --> 00:10:52,968
- lf l can rouse him.
- (Dialling)
163
00:10:53,010 --> 00:10:55,604
You know, l wanted your advice.
164
00:10:55,650 --> 00:10:58,084
The Prime Minister was asking me,
only the other day,
165
00:10:58,130 --> 00:11:00,439
where to find a first-rate economic mind
166
00:11:00,490 --> 00:11:03,129
to sit on a commission on university cuts.
167
00:11:03,170 --> 00:11:07,004
l did say - most indiscreet of me -
168
00:11:07,050 --> 00:11:10,042
''l hear there's a first-rate Bursar
at Porterhouse.''
169
00:11:10,090 --> 00:11:13,082
- Did you, Master?
- You're not offended, then?
170
00:11:13,130 --> 00:11:16,918
Of course, l do realise,
with all your College duties...
171
00:11:16,970 --> 00:11:18,961
One is always pleased
to serve one's country.
172
00:11:19,010 --> 00:11:20,648
Good!
173
00:11:21,650 --> 00:11:23,686
- Er, water or soda?
- Water, please.
174
00:11:23,730 --> 00:11:27,518
Well, you must come to lunch
and we'll discuss it.
175
00:11:28,570 --> 00:11:29,639
Ah.
176
00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,965
- To business.
- To business.
177
00:11:32,010 --> 00:11:33,682
- l meant College business.
- Oh.
178
00:11:33,730 --> 00:11:34,879
Now, do sit down.
179
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:43,005
l must say, coming back to Porterhouse,
many things depress me.
180
00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:47,805
The atavism of some Fellows,
the animalism of some undergraduates,
181
00:11:47,850 --> 00:11:49,681
the college results.
182
00:11:49,730 --> 00:11:53,643
All those thirds
and suspicious-looking aegrotats.
183
00:11:53,690 --> 00:11:56,602
Oh, well, we don't claim
to be an intellectual college.
184
00:11:56,650 --> 00:12:00,768
lt's always said that the reason
Porterhouse produced no Russian spies
185
00:12:00,810 --> 00:12:03,722
was that none of the Fellows knew
where Russia was.
186
00:12:05,770 --> 00:12:08,284
But why choose
such appalling candidates?
187
00:12:08,330 --> 00:12:11,720
- Why not pick good scholars?
- There are one or two obstacles.
188
00:12:11,770 --> 00:12:15,046
- The Senior Tutor?
- Not just he.
189
00:12:15,090 --> 00:12:18,878
l mean, our dependence
on endowment subscriptions.
190
00:12:18,930 --> 00:12:21,683
- l never heard of them.
- Very few have.
191
00:12:21,730 --> 00:12:23,686
One or two of the Fellows
192
00:12:23,730 --> 00:12:28,167
and of course the parents of our less
academically gifted undergraduates.
193
00:12:28,850 --> 00:12:32,479
Do you mean
we take these useless youths
194
00:12:32,530 --> 00:12:35,283
in exchange for concealed donations?
195
00:12:38,010 --> 00:12:40,808
But...
196
00:12:40,850 --> 00:12:44,081
that's tantamount to selling degrees
for bribes.
197
00:12:44,130 --> 00:12:45,483
l say identical.
198
00:12:45,530 --> 00:12:52,527
But without these bribes - donations -
Porterhouse, in a nutshell, is broke.
199
00:12:52,570 --> 00:12:56,848
But why? l mean,
what do other colleges do?
200
00:12:56,890 --> 00:12:59,085
We're not like other colleges.
201
00:12:59,130 --> 00:13:02,645
They're some of Britain's
biggest landowners and shareholders.
202
00:13:02,690 --> 00:13:04,999
King's had Lord Keynes as Bursar.
203
00:13:05,050 --> 00:13:08,838
We had Lord Fitzherbert, the man
who broke the bank at Monte Carlo.
204
00:13:08,890 --> 00:13:11,245
That's his portrait looking down on you.
205
00:13:11,290 --> 00:13:14,407
- But if he broke the bank...
- lt was our bank he broke,
206
00:13:14,450 --> 00:13:16,566
the East Anglian Lowland.
207
00:13:16,610 --> 00:13:20,080
Bet all its assets - our assets -
on the turn of a wheel.
208
00:13:20,130 --> 00:13:23,088
- Did he blow his brains out on the spot?
- No.
209
00:13:23,130 --> 00:13:26,759
We had no choice but to elect him Master.
210
00:13:26,810 --> 00:13:30,439
After an enormous meal,
he died upstairs, in bed, at 80, of...
211
00:13:30,490 --> 00:13:32,606
A Porterhouse Blue.
212
00:13:32,650 --> 00:13:36,484
All he left us with were
a few acres of swamp in Radnorshire
213
00:13:36,530 --> 00:13:38,805
and a terrace of houses in Rhyder Street,
214
00:13:38,850 --> 00:13:42,729
occupied rent free in perpetuity
by the college servants.
215
00:13:42,770 --> 00:13:46,319
l counted the college servants
at last night's feast.
216
00:13:46,370 --> 00:13:48,406
The number was totally excessive.
217
00:13:48,450 --> 00:13:53,001
Well, evidently,
there is room for retrenchment.
218
00:13:53,050 --> 00:13:57,646
And if we enlarge the college, our services
will become far more economical.
219
00:13:57,690 --> 00:13:59,999
All the more reason for the new building.
220
00:14:00,050 --> 00:14:03,679
- But how would we raise the money?
- An appeal, Bursar.
221
00:14:03,730 --> 00:14:07,120
l have some very rich friends in the City.
222
00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:10,162
But Master, won't they want to see
the college accounts?
223
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:12,724
Ah.
224
00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:16,524
What if this secret endowment fund
were to become generally known?
225
00:14:16,570 --> 00:14:20,609
Mr Skullion, l want a meeting
of College Council this evening at nine.
226
00:14:20,650 --> 00:14:22,129
You can't do that, Master!
227
00:14:22,170 --> 00:14:25,560
The College Council meets
on the first Thursday of the month.
228
00:14:25,610 --> 00:14:27,885
Nevertheless, Mr Skullion,
229
00:14:27,930 --> 00:14:30,046
this evening at nine.
230
00:14:31,730 --> 00:14:35,769
( A Wand'ring Minstrel from The Mikado)
231
00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:45,729
- (Knocking)
- Come!
232
00:14:49,610 --> 00:14:52,044
Morning, sir. Cold and wintry.
233
00:14:52,090 --> 00:14:53,921
Nasty eye, there, Skullion.
234
00:14:53,970 --> 00:14:55,688
Yes, sir, slipped on the path.
235
00:14:55,730 --> 00:14:57,766
- Got away, did he?
- Yes, sir.
236
00:14:57,810 --> 00:15:00,927
- Good for him. Anything else to report?
- Yes, sir.
237
00:15:00,970 --> 00:15:04,929
Master's called a meeting for
College Council, nine o'clock tonight.
238
00:15:04,970 --> 00:15:08,246
Has he, indeed? Then, perhaps,
we'll find out what he's up to.
239
00:15:08,290 --> 00:15:12,442
College Council meets first Thursday
of the month, sir. lt's always been the way.
240
00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:16,722
Yes, Skullion, well, now we have a Master
who does not know all our ways - yet.
241
00:15:18,010 --> 00:15:22,162
- Bursar went to see him this morning, sir.
- Yes, l did know that, Skullion.
242
00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:25,043
- l sent him.
- Bit of a slippery sod if you ask me, sir.
243
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:28,844
Begging your pardon. Got no bottom,
as Lord Wurford would've said.
244
00:15:28,890 --> 00:15:31,927
The Bursar's bottom
is not your business, Skullion.
245
00:15:31,970 --> 00:15:33,449
ls that all?
246
00:15:34,650 --> 00:15:36,129
Well, there's Cheffy, sir.
247
00:15:36,170 --> 00:15:39,367
- Chef? What's the matter with him?
- lt's all the servants, sir.
248
00:15:39,410 --> 00:15:43,403
Very upset about the Master's speech,
wondering what he's going to do next.
249
00:15:43,450 --> 00:15:46,647
Tell Chef there'll be no changes.
250
00:15:46,690 --> 00:15:49,887
The Master was just feeling his way.
He'll learn.
251
00:15:50,930 --> 00:15:54,081
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you, Skullion.
252
00:15:54,130 --> 00:15:56,963
- ( Music starts)
- Very nasty speech that was, sir.
253
00:15:57,010 --> 00:16:00,605
Yes, Skullion.
254
00:16:00,650 --> 00:16:03,039
Sir Cathcart D'eath wouldn't have liked it,
would he?
255
00:16:03,090 --> 00:16:05,763
No, indeed, he'd be appalled.
256
00:16:05,810 --> 00:16:09,166
He wouldn't like to see the college
going to the dogs, sir, would he?
257
00:16:09,210 --> 00:16:13,203
Everything is all right, Skullion.
258
00:16:13,250 --> 00:16:15,366
Now go.
259
00:16:15,410 --> 00:16:17,287
Yes, sir.
260
00:16:17,330 --> 00:16:18,888
Thank you, sir.
261
00:17:22,570 --> 00:17:25,243
Well done, old boy.
262
00:17:25,290 --> 00:17:26,962
Whoa, whoa.
263
00:17:27,010 --> 00:17:28,568
Whoa.
264
00:17:31,410 --> 00:17:34,846
- Good afternoon, Sir Cathcart.
- Skullion?
265
00:17:34,890 --> 00:17:37,245
You old rascal.
266
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:40,805
What've you done to your eye?
Been in the wars?
267
00:17:40,850 --> 00:17:42,602
Yes, sir.
268
00:17:42,650 --> 00:17:44,163
Nice bit of flesh.
269
00:17:45,490 --> 00:17:46,843
This?
270
00:17:46,890 --> 00:17:48,960
Or that?
271
00:17:50,490 --> 00:17:53,004
- This, sir.
- Mmm.
272
00:17:53,050 --> 00:17:55,006
Past it, poor bugger.
273
00:17:55,050 --> 00:17:57,803
Tough titty. You're for cat meat.
274
00:17:57,850 --> 00:18:00,318
What do you want, you old bugger?
275
00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:02,600
Racing tips? Not a usual day.
276
00:18:04,010 --> 00:18:05,887
Ahem. lt's a rather private matter, sir.
277
00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:09,486
Bog off, eh? See you for sundowners.
278
00:18:09,530 --> 00:18:12,203
l've got to have
a word with old Skullion, here.
279
00:18:13,170 --> 00:18:16,560
- What's the matter?
- lt's about the new Master, sir.
280
00:18:16,610 --> 00:18:19,204
- Oh, canting hypocrite, ain't he?
- Yeah.
281
00:18:19,250 --> 00:18:22,560
We were in college together, you know.
Butcher's boy, we called him.
282
00:18:22,610 --> 00:18:24,840
Trumping arse then, trumping arse now.
283
00:18:24,890 --> 00:18:28,121
Only got where he did
because he married money and a title.
284
00:18:28,170 --> 00:18:29,922
What's he done now?
285
00:18:29,970 --> 00:18:33,963
lt's, er... He's changing the college, sir.
Wants to fill it with scholars.
286
00:18:34,010 --> 00:18:37,320
lf l had my way, l'd kick every scholar out
and put in some athletes,
287
00:18:37,370 --> 00:18:39,930
run the place properly.
288
00:18:39,970 --> 00:18:42,723
Tell you what, Skullion -
fruit of experience.
289
00:18:42,770 --> 00:18:46,809
A man can learn more
between the thighs of a good woman
290
00:18:46,850 --> 00:18:48,727
than in any college.
291
00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:51,125
Ain't l right?
292
00:18:52,170 --> 00:18:55,765
Well, l wouldn't really know about that, sir.
293
00:18:55,810 --> 00:18:57,323
Oh.
294
00:18:57,370 --> 00:19:01,841
Well, what did you really come for,
you old bugger?
295
00:19:01,890 --> 00:19:05,769
- lt's not for me, sir. lt's for the college.
- Mmm.
296
00:19:05,810 --> 00:19:08,608
You've got influence,
you and the other Old Porterhusians.
297
00:19:08,650 --> 00:19:12,802
lf they knew how he was destroying
the college, they'd put a stop to it.
298
00:19:12,850 --> 00:19:16,525
You have a touching faith, Skullion.
299
00:19:16,570 --> 00:19:19,084
But we'll deal with that tit-head.
300
00:19:19,130 --> 00:19:22,486
Tell the Dean,
my Rolls outside the college gates,
301
00:19:22,530 --> 00:19:24,202
1800 hours tomorrow.
302
00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:25,842
Knew you would, sir. Thank you.
303
00:19:25,890 --> 00:19:31,886
And put this on Peculiar Practice,
Newmarket, 40 to 1 , in the 3:30.
304
00:19:31,930 --> 00:19:34,808
- And...Skullion...
- Yes, sir?
305
00:19:34,850 --> 00:19:37,284
You did right to tell me.
306
00:19:37,330 --> 00:19:39,082
Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
307
00:19:39,130 --> 00:19:43,328
Ask Cook to give you a cup of tea
before you leave.
308
00:19:43,370 --> 00:19:44,439
Thank you, sir.
309
00:19:44,490 --> 00:19:48,802
Porterhouse! Porterhouse!
310
00:19:48,850 --> 00:19:54,846
To live and die in Porterhouse
311
00:19:54,890 --> 00:19:59,600
Tea pot, tea cosy, sugar basin, spoons.
312
00:19:59,650 --> 00:20:02,881
Er, milk jug. You do take milk, do you?
313
00:20:02,930 --> 00:20:04,841
- Yes.
- What?
314
00:20:04,890 --> 00:20:06,562
- Yes.
- Ah.
315
00:20:06,610 --> 00:20:11,081
Good. So many people take lemon
these days, especially the Chinese.
316
00:20:11,130 --> 00:20:12,449
Oh, yes.
317
00:20:12,490 --> 00:20:15,721
Now, then, toasting fork, crumpets,
318
00:20:15,770 --> 00:20:17,726
butter, salt...
319
00:20:17,770 --> 00:20:21,206
No, not salt. They're your crumpets, boy,
you toast them.
320
00:20:21,250 --> 00:20:25,960
l will sit down by the fire
and you can tell me your little problems.
321
00:20:26,010 --> 00:20:30,288
Professor Siblington spoke to me of it
but l didn't catch much.
322
00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:32,719
- l'm deaf, you know.
- l know.
323
00:20:32,770 --> 00:20:34,886
- What?
- l know.
324
00:20:34,930 --> 00:20:38,843
Yes. Now, nothing you say
can possibly shock me.
325
00:20:38,890 --> 00:20:41,882
l've been solacing young men all my life.
326
00:20:41,930 --> 00:20:44,967
- lt's terribly embarrassing.
- You'll have to speak up.
327
00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:50,960
Just a minute, l've got a useful thingummy
here that l use for confessions.
328
00:20:54,410 --> 00:20:56,640
- (Feedback)
- (Very loudly) Now, tell me your problems.
329
00:20:56,690 --> 00:21:00,319
Everything will be treated
in the strictest confidence.
330
00:21:00,370 --> 00:21:02,247
Now, what is all this about?
331
00:21:02,290 --> 00:21:05,123
- Self-abuse?
- lt's not self-abuse!
332
00:21:06,970 --> 00:21:08,926
lt's not self-abuse!
333
00:21:12,930 --> 00:21:16,718
l've developed a terrible fixation
on my bedder.
334
00:21:16,770 --> 00:21:18,362
Oh, good!
335
00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:20,526
(Zipser) This morbid, hideous urge.
336
00:21:20,570 --> 00:21:22,447
When she pushes against...
337
00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:24,720
- Who is it?
- Bloody old Zipser.
338
00:21:24,770 --> 00:21:28,729
When she squeezes
the bag on the hoover,
339
00:21:28,770 --> 00:21:31,443
oh, it's as if l'm driven by a demon.
340
00:21:31,490 --> 00:21:34,163
l feel l have to take hold of her,
possess her.
341
00:21:34,210 --> 00:21:37,600
- (Cheering)
- (Chaplain) Don't despair, young man.
342
00:21:37,650 --> 00:21:40,289
(Cheering)
343
00:21:41,930 --> 00:21:43,488
Give her one!
344
00:21:43,530 --> 00:21:48,729
There is a simple answer.
Au pairs, language students.
345
00:21:48,770 --> 00:21:51,443
Remember what Rupert Brooke said.
346
00:21:51,490 --> 00:21:56,883
''There is some corner of a foreign field
that is forever England.''
347
00:21:56,930 --> 00:21:58,602
(Cheering)
348
00:21:59,690 --> 00:22:02,841
Find yourself a nice French girl.
349
00:22:02,890 --> 00:22:05,085
Or a Swede.
350
00:22:05,130 --> 00:22:08,839
Southern Europeans tend to hairiness,
l'm told.
351
00:22:08,890 --> 00:22:11,245
(Jeering)
352
00:22:11,290 --> 00:22:15,329
And one piece of advice
l always give my men.
353
00:22:15,370 --> 00:22:19,283
Never conjugate without a protective.
354
00:22:22,290 --> 00:22:23,882
Shh!!!
355
00:22:23,930 --> 00:22:26,888
Porterhouse...
356
00:22:26,930 --> 00:22:30,127
- Come on!
- Come on, Zipser!
357
00:22:33,370 --> 00:22:36,885
To live and die in Porterhouse
358
00:22:36,930 --> 00:22:39,808
(Bell tolling)
359
00:22:40,970 --> 00:22:45,964
- Nine o'clock, Mr Skullion.
- Yes. Time for College Council, Walter.
360
00:22:46,010 --> 00:22:48,570
You take charge here.
361
00:22:48,610 --> 00:22:52,239
Anyone calls, you just say
Mr Skullion's stepped out for a bit.
362
00:23:06,690 --> 00:23:09,488
- Are we finally here?
- Where's the Chaplain?
363
00:23:09,530 --> 00:23:12,044
He's coming.
Now, gentlemen, please remember -
364
00:23:12,090 --> 00:23:16,322
this is our chance to preserve College -
we must stay firm and stand united.
365
00:23:20,890 --> 00:23:21,879
Evening, sir.
366
00:23:22,930 --> 00:23:24,761
Evening, sir. Gentlemen.
367
00:23:25,770 --> 00:23:28,364
- Evening, Skullion.
- Evening, sir.
368
00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:39,010
Porterhouse, Porterhouse
369
00:23:39,050 --> 00:23:45,762
To live and die in Porterhouse
370
00:23:45,810 --> 00:23:50,725
Porterhouse, Porterhouse
371
00:23:50,770 --> 00:23:57,243
To live and die in Porterhouse
372
00:23:58,530 --> 00:24:05,368
Dives in omnia
373
00:24:08,410 --> 00:24:11,561
So, here you are.
Five minutes late already.
374
00:24:11,610 --> 00:24:14,920
Perhaps this is one reason why
the college affairs are in such a chaos.
375
00:24:14,970 --> 00:24:17,006
l believe l left them in very good order.
376
00:24:17,050 --> 00:24:21,521
- Master, this meeting is not constitutional.
- No agenda has been issued.
377
00:24:21,570 --> 00:24:24,926
(Master) May we cut
the absurd preliminaries and get on?
378
00:24:29,090 --> 00:24:30,523
(Master) Order, gentlemen.
379
00:24:30,570 --> 00:24:34,040
(lndistinct raises voices)
380
00:24:34,090 --> 00:24:36,763
(Master) Gentlemen,
l have to tell you that today,
381
00:24:36,810 --> 00:24:39,802
my colleague the Bursar
and l inspected the accounts.
382
00:24:39,850 --> 00:24:44,321
l've called you together to inform you,
that, not to put too fine a point on it,
383
00:24:44,370 --> 00:24:46,167
Porterhouse is bankrupt.
384
00:24:46,210 --> 00:24:48,644
- Bankrupt?
- The suggestion is absurd!
385
00:24:48,690 --> 00:24:51,727
Not at all, Dean, the figures are here,
the Bursar can confirm them.
386
00:24:51,770 --> 00:24:54,045
Now, gentlemen, will you sit down?
387
00:24:56,210 --> 00:24:59,088
My task must be to put matters right
at once.
388
00:24:59,130 --> 00:25:02,088
So here are three proposals
to be implemented immediately.
389
00:25:02,130 --> 00:25:05,167
Proposals may only be made in writing
at three days' notice.
390
00:25:05,210 --> 00:25:08,168
- Standing orders state it quite clearly.
- Exemplem habemus.
391
00:25:08,210 --> 00:25:12,362
There is only one rule for committees -
cut the cackle and get on with business.
392
00:25:12,410 --> 00:25:14,401
- Proposal one.
- (Uproar)
393
00:25:14,450 --> 00:25:17,760
Will you chatter later?
l have to leave in 15 minutes.
394
00:25:17,810 --> 00:25:19,448
Unlike you, l am a busy man.
395
00:25:19,490 --> 00:25:22,050
Proposal one, eliminate waste.
396
00:25:22,090 --> 00:25:25,048
This costly practice of dining in Hall
will be abolished.
397
00:25:25,090 --> 00:25:29,242
We'll replace it with a self-service canteen
run by an outside caterer.
398
00:25:29,290 --> 00:25:30,484
Self-service?
399
00:25:30,530 --> 00:25:32,998
(Dean) Ours is the best high table
in Cambridge!
400
00:25:33,050 --> 00:25:37,646
No outside caterer could sustain
the standard of Porterhouse High Table.
401
00:25:37,690 --> 00:25:38,679
lt's world famous!
402
00:25:38,730 --> 00:25:41,244
High Table is divisive and will be abolished.
403
00:25:41,290 --> 00:25:44,362
High Table is a fundamental feature
of College life.
404
00:25:44,410 --> 00:25:46,446
(Distorted) Our Feast is in the statutes!
405
00:25:46,490 --> 00:25:50,802
- We have the best chef in the university.
- The cuisine is world famous!
406
00:25:50,850 --> 00:25:53,967
Proposal two,
improve academic standards.
407
00:25:54,010 --> 00:25:57,685
l gather they've fallen considerably
since 1939.
408
00:25:57,730 --> 00:26:02,087
l understand there was a particularly poor
intake of Fellows that year.
409
00:26:02,130 --> 00:26:04,121
l came in 1939.
410
00:26:04,170 --> 00:26:08,209
Exactly. Henceforth, Porterhouse
will admit candidates on academic merit
411
00:26:08,250 --> 00:26:10,639
and that alone.
412
00:26:10,690 --> 00:26:13,158
That poses insuperable problems.
413
00:26:13,210 --> 00:26:15,485
lf that is your resignation, l accept it.
414
00:26:15,530 --> 00:26:21,048
(Master) This will require an expansion -
a new building, Lady Mary Hall.
415
00:26:21,090 --> 00:26:23,445
We therefore
we begin an appeal immediately.
416
00:26:23,490 --> 00:26:26,129
That would totally change
the character of College.
417
00:26:26,170 --> 00:26:30,800
The character of the college, Dean,
is bankruptcy, financial and otherwise.
418
00:26:30,850 --> 00:26:33,364
ln any case, we need it for proposal three.
419
00:26:33,410 --> 00:26:35,002
Admission of women.
420
00:26:35,050 --> 00:26:36,642
Women?
421
00:26:36,690 --> 00:26:39,523
- Women?
- ln Porterhouse?
422
00:26:40,650 --> 00:26:44,279
Heard that! Heard it! Splendid idea.
423
00:26:44,330 --> 00:26:46,685
Revoltingly unhygienic.
424
00:26:46,730 --> 00:26:50,928
Lady Mary insists as a matter of justice
and l am forced to agree.
425
00:26:50,970 --> 00:26:52,881
You, maybe,
426
00:26:52,930 --> 00:26:57,924
but many of us are here precisely in order
not to be forced to agree with women.
427
00:26:57,970 --> 00:26:59,449
Here...
428
00:27:01,210 --> 00:27:03,804
- (Master) Yes, Dean, you wished to speak?
- (Dean coughing)
429
00:27:03,850 --> 00:27:05,727
Come on, Dean.
430
00:27:05,770 --> 00:27:07,123
Come on.
431
00:27:07,170 --> 00:27:09,081
(Coughing)
432
00:27:09,130 --> 00:27:12,839
Oh, dear, Dean.
Not a Porterhouse Blue, l trust?
433
00:27:12,890 --> 00:27:16,929
- lt's a betrayal...
- Believe me, Dean, these proposals
434
00:27:16,970 --> 00:27:18,688
will transform the college.
435
00:27:18,730 --> 00:27:21,324
At, you might say, a stroke.
436
00:27:21,370 --> 00:27:23,406
Poor taste, poor taste.
437
00:27:23,450 --> 00:27:26,283
Now, may l count on your full support?
438
00:27:26,330 --> 00:27:30,721
l, for one, am adamantly opposed.
Doubtless l speak for the Dean.
439
00:27:30,770 --> 00:27:33,204
- And l, too.
- Chaplain?
440
00:27:33,250 --> 00:27:35,366
Sugar in mine, please.
441
00:27:35,410 --> 00:27:38,686
- Bursar?
- The position is desperate.
442
00:27:38,730 --> 00:27:42,245
- What?
- But l accept the sense of the meeting.
443
00:27:42,290 --> 00:27:44,758
Ah! Quite what l expected.
444
00:27:44,810 --> 00:27:46,607
Then l have but one course.
445
00:27:47,570 --> 00:27:49,959
l resign as Master of Porterhouse.
446
00:27:50,010 --> 00:27:53,127
He's going. (Chuckles)
447
00:27:53,930 --> 00:27:56,046
The bugger's going!
448
00:27:56,210 --> 00:27:58,440
- (Clattering)
- Ooh!
449
00:27:58,490 --> 00:28:01,402
Well, of course, we shall miss you, Master.
450
00:28:01,450 --> 00:28:02,963
But not much.
451
00:28:03,010 --> 00:28:05,319
However, let me tell you
how l shall proceed.
452
00:28:05,370 --> 00:28:08,999
My letter will go tomorrow explaining
my reasons to the Prime Minister.
453
00:28:09,050 --> 00:28:12,360
- What are your reasons, Master?
- l must protect my own position.
454
00:28:12,410 --> 00:28:16,847
l cannot be Master of a college
that takes unqualified candidates
455
00:28:16,890 --> 00:28:20,519
in exchange for bribes under the guise
of an endowment fund.
456
00:28:20,570 --> 00:28:24,085
l cannot be party to
a major academic scandal.
457
00:28:24,130 --> 00:28:27,122
l know nothing of any bribes.
458
00:28:27,170 --> 00:28:29,320
Oh, yes - l have the facts and figures here,
459
00:28:29,370 --> 00:28:33,886
ready to send to the Prime Minister,
who will pass them on to the University,
460
00:28:33,930 --> 00:28:36,842
not to mention
the Director of Public Prosecutions.
461
00:28:36,890 --> 00:28:39,245
Do continue your discussion, gentlemen.
462
00:28:39,290 --> 00:28:43,966
lf you should wish to accept my proposals,
totally unconditionally,
463
00:28:44,010 --> 00:28:47,047
l can see you for five minutes
after lunch tomorrow.
464
00:28:47,090 --> 00:28:49,240
Thank you, gentlemen. Good evening.
465
00:28:53,810 --> 00:28:55,641
He's beaten them.
466
00:28:57,450 --> 00:28:59,441
The bugger's beaten them.
467
00:29:00,650 --> 00:29:02,208
Oh...
468
00:29:02,250 --> 00:29:03,239
Cuh!
469
00:29:03,290 --> 00:29:07,124
That, l believe, is what is popularly known
as getting us over a barrel.
470
00:29:07,170 --> 00:29:10,321
- What are these bribes?
- l blame you, Bursar!
471
00:29:10,370 --> 00:29:12,725
You told him about
the endowment subscriptions.
472
00:29:12,770 --> 00:29:17,844
You told me to make the disastrous
financial position quite clear!
473
00:29:17,890 --> 00:29:22,202
You ass, Bursar,
you supply-siding monetarist ass!
474
00:29:22,250 --> 00:29:24,400
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
475
00:29:24,450 --> 00:29:26,680
We must not become divided!
476
00:29:26,730 --> 00:29:29,927
That is precisely what he wants.
477
00:29:32,170 --> 00:29:38,769
To live and die in Porterhouse
478
00:29:39,490 --> 00:29:42,482
(Birdsong, bell tolling)
479
00:29:43,610 --> 00:29:45,362
(Bell echoing)
480
00:29:49,410 --> 00:29:52,288
(Door opening)
481
00:29:57,850 --> 00:29:59,727
Well, well, Mr Zipser.
482
00:29:59,770 --> 00:30:01,886
You don't usually get up this early.
483
00:30:01,930 --> 00:30:05,559
Yes, it's only seven.
l thought you didn't come till eight?
484
00:30:05,610 --> 00:30:09,000
You know me, love.
l can come any time l want to.
485
00:30:09,050 --> 00:30:11,359
You must be feeling better, then.
486
00:30:11,410 --> 00:30:12,923
Yes. Yes, l am.
487
00:30:19,970 --> 00:30:21,528
Blessed mac.
488
00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:25,961
Here, love, be a gent. Give us a hand.
489
00:30:40,890 --> 00:30:44,724
No, it's stuck round the front, love.
490
00:30:44,770 --> 00:30:45,964
Ah...
491
00:30:49,650 --> 00:30:54,485
Ooh! l say, Mr Zipser, are you quite sure?
492
00:30:54,530 --> 00:30:56,760
l always thought you were a nice boy but...
493
00:30:56,810 --> 00:30:59,722
- Ooh! Ooh!
- Oh!
494
00:30:59,770 --> 00:31:02,284
Oh, oooh!
495
00:31:02,330 --> 00:31:05,561
- (Moans)
- Ahhh!
496
00:31:08,530 --> 00:31:10,919
Sorry, Mrs Biggs,
l've got to go to breakfast.
497
00:31:14,930 --> 00:31:18,161
Ah, Mr Zipser!
Could you spare a moment, sir?
498
00:31:18,210 --> 00:31:19,325
Er, what is it?
499
00:31:19,370 --> 00:31:22,442
Just a little matter
that might interest you, sir,
500
00:31:22,490 --> 00:31:25,323
something that might help you
with your research, you might say.
501
00:31:25,370 --> 00:31:28,521
l've got an urgent appointment.
Will later do?
502
00:31:28,570 --> 00:31:30,526
Yes, later will do, Mr Zipser.
503
00:31:32,730 --> 00:31:34,402
Later will do.
504
00:32:07,810 --> 00:32:09,528
Good morning!
505
00:32:13,130 --> 00:32:14,848
Buenos dias.
506
00:32:15,690 --> 00:32:17,840
Come stai?
507
00:32:20,210 --> 00:32:21,245
- Hello. Erm...
508
00:32:21,290 --> 00:32:24,043
- Are you a student here?
- Hey?
509
00:32:24,090 --> 00:32:26,923
Are you a foreign student
at the language school?
510
00:32:26,970 --> 00:32:30,724
My name is Monika,
l am 19, l am from Sweden.
511
00:32:30,770 --> 00:32:33,887
l'm here in Cambridge
to learn very good English.
512
00:32:33,930 --> 00:32:36,160
You speak it very well.
513
00:32:36,210 --> 00:32:38,565
Actually, l'm a language expert myself.
514
00:32:38,610 --> 00:32:40,885
Erm, how about some extra tuition?
515
00:32:40,930 --> 00:32:44,240
- Hey?
- Extra tuition?
516
00:32:44,290 --> 00:32:46,679
Smorgas-borg, you and me.
517
00:32:46,730 --> 00:32:49,847
My name is Monika, l am 19.
518
00:32:49,890 --> 00:32:52,040
l go in there to learn more English.
519
00:32:52,090 --> 00:32:53,842
Ah. When do you finish?
520
00:32:53,890 --> 00:32:57,360
Er, six, half past, PM.
521
00:32:58,330 --> 00:33:00,798
- l'll see you after, then.
- See you after.
522
00:33:00,850 --> 00:33:02,920
- Yes, see you after.
- See you after.
523
00:33:02,970 --> 00:33:04,642
See you after.
524
00:33:28,250 --> 00:33:30,366
- All yours, sir.
- Yes, thank you.
525
00:33:35,650 --> 00:33:37,322
- Scarf, sir.
- Oh.
526
00:33:38,650 --> 00:33:40,129
Thank you.
527
00:33:40,170 --> 00:33:44,766
Well, what can we do you for?
528
00:33:44,810 --> 00:33:46,289
Erm, just a trim.
529
00:33:46,330 --> 00:33:49,083
What about a shampoo and singe, sir?
Very good for the hair.
530
00:33:49,130 --> 00:33:51,041
Er, no, thank you. Just a trim.
531
00:33:55,970 --> 00:33:59,201
- With the University, are we, sir?
- Yes, that's right.
532
00:33:59,250 --> 00:34:03,960
Get a lot of academics here.
One gentleman comes three times a week.
533
00:34:04,010 --> 00:34:08,049
Very famous don. Says he gets
all his best ideas in my chair.
534
00:34:08,090 --> 00:34:10,524
- Really? Tell me something.
- Yes, sir?
535
00:34:10,570 --> 00:34:12,800
Do you have any protection?
536
00:34:12,850 --> 00:34:16,445
- Are you threatening me?
- No, l mean, gentleman's protectives.
537
00:34:16,490 --> 00:34:18,401
You know - johnnies.
538
00:34:19,810 --> 00:34:22,199
- l'd like five packets.
- Oh, yeah?
539
00:34:22,250 --> 00:34:23,399
Five?
540
00:34:23,450 --> 00:34:26,840
No, l've got a Catholic landlord,
won't let me stock 'em.
541
00:34:26,890 --> 00:34:31,486
Mind you, there's no money
in French letters.
542
00:34:31,530 --> 00:34:35,284
Now they've got those dispensing
machines in every gents in town.
543
00:34:35,330 --> 00:34:36,399
ls that so?
544
00:34:36,450 --> 00:34:39,010
- That's enough, thank you.
- l've only started!
545
00:34:39,050 --> 00:34:41,610
That's perfect. lt's just how l want it.
546
00:36:03,850 --> 00:36:06,000
(Man) l'll be out in a minute.
547
00:36:13,010 --> 00:36:15,478
(Tap running)
548
00:36:26,530 --> 00:36:28,521
(Fruit machine bleeping)
549
00:37:59,090 --> 00:38:00,648
Another of the same.
550
00:38:00,690 --> 00:38:03,204
- Are you sure, sir?
- Quite sure, sir.
551
00:38:03,250 --> 00:38:06,083
Only you seem to have had
a heavy lunch-time session already.
552
00:38:06,130 --> 00:38:08,690
- Been on a romantic quest.
- Oh.
553
00:38:08,730 --> 00:38:12,609
Machine in the toilet - you know.
554
00:38:12,650 --> 00:38:16,199
- What about it?
- lt's empty. lt's...
555
00:38:17,170 --> 00:38:19,889
- utterly empty.
- lt's always empty.
556
00:38:19,930 --> 00:38:23,718
- l fill it up, blokes like you empty it.
- lt's got my money in it.
557
00:38:23,770 --> 00:38:26,728
Oh, yeah. How do l know it's your money?
558
00:38:26,770 --> 00:38:29,682
How do l know you're not just trying it on?
559
00:38:29,730 --> 00:38:32,324
l can't try it on, l haven't got it yet.
560
00:38:34,410 --> 00:38:39,928
Look, why don't you try the suppliers?
They guarantee complete satisfaction.
561
00:38:39,970 --> 00:38:42,279
My word, that's...
562
00:38:42,330 --> 00:38:43,365
marvellous.
563
00:38:43,410 --> 00:38:45,207
Very good service.
564
00:38:45,250 --> 00:38:49,289
- Yeah, they're just down the road.
- How very convenient.
565
00:38:49,330 --> 00:38:50,968
Well, mind how you go.
566
00:38:53,610 --> 00:38:56,078
l will. l always take every precaution.
567
00:39:17,530 --> 00:39:19,441
Hello?
568
00:39:19,490 --> 00:39:20,843
Well, sir?
569
00:39:20,890 --> 00:39:23,563
l've just come from
the public house up the road
570
00:39:23,610 --> 00:39:27,683
er, and thingy dispenser's empty,
it's run right out.
571
00:39:27,730 --> 00:39:31,609
The Anchor? Very well, sir,
hang on a moment.
572
00:39:35,930 --> 00:39:38,000
The Anchor, The Anchor...
573
00:39:38,050 --> 00:39:39,722
The Anchor. There we go.
574
00:39:39,770 --> 00:39:42,045
Mm, that's it.
575
00:39:42,090 --> 00:39:43,409
Four gross.
576
00:39:43,450 --> 00:39:46,647
That's quite a lot.
That should keep me going.
577
00:39:46,690 --> 00:39:50,126
- That's the usual order.
- ls it?
578
00:39:50,170 --> 00:39:52,286
- Fine.
- Here you are.
579
00:39:57,690 --> 00:39:59,328
OK.
580
00:39:59,970 --> 00:40:01,881
Sign here.
581
00:40:01,930 --> 00:40:03,648
- Sign? Really?
- Yep.
582
00:40:11,010 --> 00:40:12,728
Thank you.
583
00:40:19,090 --> 00:40:21,524
Hello! Me again!
584
00:40:21,570 --> 00:40:23,401
Come on, we're closed.
585
00:40:24,410 --> 00:40:27,720
- But l brought the precautions!
- Why don't you get along?
586
00:40:27,770 --> 00:40:30,204
You've had enough to drink, haven't you?
587
00:40:32,090 --> 00:40:34,240
Well, that certainly is true.
588
00:40:39,410 --> 00:40:42,049
ln a body like this?
ls it really necessary?
589
00:40:42,090 --> 00:40:43,648
Doesn't it look obsequious?
590
00:40:43,690 --> 00:40:45,601
(Dean) He wants humble pie,
he shall get it.
591
00:40:45,650 --> 00:40:48,847
We must show him we're of one mind,
don't you agree, Bursar?
592
00:40:48,890 --> 00:40:52,769
- Oh, absolutely.
- A black day in the history of College.
593
00:40:52,810 --> 00:40:57,088
- Look at it - beautiful in its ancient glory.
- lt will remain so.
594
00:40:57,130 --> 00:41:02,568
Supposing he withdraws his resignation,
insists on publishing his accusations?
595
00:41:02,610 --> 00:41:05,078
We won't argue, just tell him
what he wants to hear.
596
00:41:05,130 --> 00:41:08,042
Gentlemen, all we're doing is buying time.
597
00:41:08,090 --> 00:41:09,921
(Bell ringing)
598
00:41:24,090 --> 00:41:27,048
- The Master is available, l trust?
- So, gentlemen,
599
00:41:27,090 --> 00:41:29,126
l see you are all here.
600
00:41:29,170 --> 00:41:31,206
l can grant you a second.
601
00:41:38,050 --> 00:41:40,928
Well? You have something important
to tell me?
602
00:41:40,970 --> 00:41:43,768
- Yes, Master, we have.
- Tu peux rester, Héléne.
603
00:41:43,810 --> 00:41:46,040
We have thought about our last meeting,
604
00:41:46,090 --> 00:41:51,118
reconsidered our opposition and would like
you to remain Master of Porterhouse.
605
00:41:51,170 --> 00:41:52,808
Well, well, well.
606
00:41:52,850 --> 00:41:56,320
And that vote of confidence is supported
by all of you, without exception?
607
00:41:56,370 --> 00:42:00,488
So, you accept, without reservation,
my three proposals?
608
00:42:00,530 --> 00:42:04,284
College economies, qualified scholars,
female undergraduates?
609
00:42:04,330 --> 00:42:08,289
- Naturally, we have private reservations...
- But in the interests of College...
610
00:42:08,330 --> 00:42:11,367
We accept them all unreservedly.
611
00:42:11,410 --> 00:42:15,164
Well, thank you, gentlemen.
612
00:42:16,250 --> 00:42:18,525
l shall consider what you tell me
613
00:42:18,570 --> 00:42:21,687
and let you know my decision
at the next College Council.
614
00:42:21,730 --> 00:42:25,689
Shall we say same time next week?
615
00:42:25,730 --> 00:42:28,722
College Council meets on the first Thurs...
616
00:42:28,770 --> 00:42:30,044
ldeal, Master.
617
00:42:30,090 --> 00:42:34,481
- You will now withdraw your resignation?
- And your letter to the Prime Minister?
618
00:42:34,530 --> 00:42:38,762
l will give you my decision then, when
you have proved your continued goodwill.
619
00:42:38,810 --> 00:42:41,688
Thank you, gentlemen. Merci, Héléne.
620
00:42:54,970 --> 00:42:56,961
(Chuckles)
621
00:43:14,250 --> 00:43:17,287
- The man's determined to abuse us!
- Never fear, Praelector.
622
00:43:17,330 --> 00:43:20,128
He'll rue the day
he became Master of Porterhouse.
623
00:43:20,170 --> 00:43:23,640
(Chaplain) How extraordinary!
lsn't that young Zipser?
624
00:43:23,690 --> 00:43:25,726
What is all that?
625
00:43:25,770 --> 00:43:28,523
Presumably the fruits of his researches.
626
00:43:28,570 --> 00:43:31,084
Come here, sir.
627
00:43:31,130 --> 00:43:32,802
- Me, sir?
- Yes, you, sir.
628
00:43:33,850 --> 00:43:35,488
What's the matter? Are you drunk?
629
00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:38,567
l'm pissed as a fart but ready to perform.
630
00:43:38,610 --> 00:43:40,123
(Laughs)
631
00:43:40,170 --> 00:43:41,808
How dare you!
632
00:43:41,850 --> 00:43:43,806
You're gated! For a week.
633
00:43:43,850 --> 00:43:45,568
Do you understand me?
634
00:43:45,610 --> 00:43:48,170
Gated? l'm afraid not.
635
00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:53,647
Oh, l found that foreigner.
What a goer, eh?
636
00:43:53,690 --> 00:43:58,559
You are confined to College. You will report
to me every night and every morning.
637
00:43:58,610 --> 00:44:01,886
lf you commit any other misdemeanours,
you will be sent down.
638
00:44:03,210 --> 00:44:05,678
l got them, like you told me.
639
00:44:05,730 --> 00:44:08,927
- The protectives!
- Go to your room at once, sir!
640
00:44:08,970 --> 00:44:13,885
That is the kind of young man
the Master intends to fill College with.
641
00:44:28,090 --> 00:44:29,569
To victory, Mary!
642
00:44:29,610 --> 00:44:32,568
The reform of Porterhouse,
the advancement of learning.
643
00:44:32,610 --> 00:44:34,407
The coming of women.
644
00:44:34,450 --> 00:44:35,485
Just so.
645
00:44:36,890 --> 00:44:39,848
Do you know, the Fellows
really crawled to me, Mary.
646
00:44:39,890 --> 00:44:42,802
You could say l've got them
by the short and curlies.
647
00:44:42,850 --> 00:44:47,526
l sometimes think the odour of
the butcher's shop clings to you still.
648
00:44:47,570 --> 00:44:51,404
But do be careful, Godber -
that Dean is very devious.
649
00:44:51,450 --> 00:44:53,327
Oh, he's a bigot
and a Neanderthal,
650
00:44:53,370 --> 00:44:56,521
with the persistence of bigotry
and the cunning of ignorance.
651
00:44:56,570 --> 00:44:59,687
But the others are coming round!
l have the Bursar.
652
00:44:59,730 --> 00:45:02,688
- Creepy little man.
- Let's have him to lunch on Friday.
653
00:45:02,730 --> 00:45:04,641
lnvite him if you must.
654
00:45:04,690 --> 00:45:06,521
l'm off to the Samaritans.
655
00:45:06,570 --> 00:45:10,529
Remember - they're probably
only buying time.
656
00:45:31,770 --> 00:45:33,522
Gated!
657
00:45:35,050 --> 00:45:36,642
Gated!
658
00:45:37,810 --> 00:45:39,687
lt's a tragedy.
659
00:45:39,730 --> 00:45:41,243
Of tragic proportions.
660
00:45:41,290 --> 00:45:43,884
(Laughs uproariously)
661
00:45:54,210 --> 00:45:56,849
Here you are, Dr Messmer,
there's your parcel.
662
00:45:56,890 --> 00:45:59,404
Mind how you go, it says handle with care.
663
00:45:59,450 --> 00:46:00,929
Ooh!
664
00:46:00,970 --> 00:46:04,804
Mind how you go out there, sir,
because it's very slippery tonight.
665
00:46:04,850 --> 00:46:06,602
That's it.
666
00:46:16,890 --> 00:46:19,927
There you are, Mr Skullion, on duty at last.
667
00:46:19,970 --> 00:46:22,882
l've sent several messages
asking you to come and see me.
668
00:46:22,930 --> 00:46:25,524
- l take it they arrived?
- Oh, yes, Master.
669
00:46:25,570 --> 00:46:27,083
Then why didn't you come?
670
00:46:28,050 --> 00:46:32,760
Well, l've been rather busy, sir, with the
servants being rather unsettled just now.
671
00:46:32,810 --> 00:46:35,449
You know - worrying about their jobs.
672
00:46:35,490 --> 00:46:37,128
Mr Skullion...
673
00:46:37,170 --> 00:46:39,126
Skullion, sir.
674
00:46:39,170 --> 00:46:41,968
Am l or am l not Master of Porterhouse?
675
00:46:45,770 --> 00:46:47,522
So l understand, sir.
676
00:46:47,570 --> 00:46:50,721
So your first duty is to me, isn't it?
677
00:46:50,770 --> 00:46:53,204
Your second, to the college servants.
678
00:46:53,250 --> 00:46:57,402
At the risk of being impertinent, sir...
679
00:46:57,450 --> 00:46:59,964
l do think l know my duties.
680
00:47:00,010 --> 00:47:02,444
l have been here 45 years,
that's longer than anyone -
681
00:47:02,490 --> 00:47:04,845
the Dean, the Praelector, anyone.
682
00:47:04,890 --> 00:47:08,280
ln fact, l remember when
you were just an undergraduate, sir.
683
00:47:08,330 --> 00:47:12,005
Yes, and you were rude then
but l'm not talking about ancient history.
684
00:47:12,050 --> 00:47:15,599
And we have traditions
that go back long before you or me.
685
00:47:15,650 --> 00:47:17,800
A way of doing things.
686
00:47:17,850 --> 00:47:21,559
l've served seven Masters before you, sir.
687
00:47:21,610 --> 00:47:24,124
l respected them
688
00:47:24,170 --> 00:47:26,365
and they respected me.
689
00:47:26,410 --> 00:47:29,686
You won't be here much longer
if you take that tone with me.
690
00:47:30,610 --> 00:47:33,408
- lt ain't right to change things.
- They have to change.
691
00:47:33,450 --> 00:47:36,840
The Fellows recognise that
and you'll do the same or go.
692
00:47:36,890 --> 00:47:38,926
Now take that to the Bursar.
693
00:47:38,970 --> 00:47:42,121
And it goes now, not later.
694
00:47:42,170 --> 00:47:45,242
ls that clear, Mr Skullion?
695
00:47:45,490 --> 00:47:46,479
Yes, sir.
696
00:47:46,530 --> 00:47:48,725
Not Mr Skullion.
697
00:47:48,770 --> 00:47:49,964
Skullion, sir.
698
00:47:51,570 --> 00:47:54,801
As you would know
if you was a gentleman.
699
00:47:57,890 --> 00:48:02,008
Porterhouse! Porterhouse!
700
00:48:02,050 --> 00:48:07,647
To live and die in Porterhouse!
701
00:48:07,690 --> 00:48:13,083
Dives in omnia
702
00:48:13,130 --> 00:48:17,123
Porterhouse, in Porterhouse
703
00:48:17,170 --> 00:48:23,245
Dives in omnia
704
00:48:23,290 --> 00:48:25,679
Bene edamus
705
00:48:25,730 --> 00:48:28,324
Bene bibamus
706
00:48:28,370 --> 00:48:33,490
Epulas semper concelebramus
707
00:48:33,530 --> 00:48:35,566
Quod imperat regina
708
00:48:35,610 --> 00:48:38,408
Nil impediat doctrina
709
00:48:38,450 --> 00:48:41,328
Sed choro sonoro
710
00:48:41,370 --> 00:48:43,679
Dives in omnia
711
00:48:43,730 --> 00:48:46,449
Sed choro sonoro
712
00:48:46,490 --> 00:48:48,242
Dives in omnia
713
00:48:48,290 --> 00:48:58,689
Collegium, Collegium acclamus
714
00:48:58,730 --> 00:49:03,326
Porterhouse! Porterhouse!
715
00:49:03,370 --> 00:49:08,808
To live and die in Porterhouse!
716
00:49:08,850 --> 00:49:14,243
Dives in omnia
717
00:49:14,290 --> 00:49:18,329
Porterhouse, in Porterhouse
718
00:49:18,370 --> 00:49:28,405
Dives in omnia
83310
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