All language subtitles for Impastor - 02x09 - Judge Not.FLEET.C

Previously on "Impastor"...

It is time we showed
the world we're a couple.

I brought you a Bible for your desk.

Now you look like a real pastor.

When you get your shot at revenge,

make the most of it.

I can't believe Austin
would do such a thing.

I hereby sentence you to two years

at Murdock Juvenile Detention Center.

Buddy!

Come with me. I know who you are.

Okay, Barlow,

or whatever your real name is.

I'm Federal Agent Landecker.

'Sup?

I'm the Director of the
Pacific Northwest Division,

and we don't have any record of an agent

working undercover in Ladner.

Which is a real compliment to you.

It is?

When you national boys
go U.C., you go deep.

Thanks.

How do you know I'm undercover?

I'm not at liberty to say.

It was that cop, Hyde, right?

You are good.

That's why they call me "The Cobra."

I'm reaching out to you
because we've been trying

to make a corruption
case against Judge Bell,

and I need your help.

Oh, I don't know.

HQ wants me to focus
on Operation Holy Ghost.

Well, listen, listen.

You're in the perfect
place to work the judge.

He's been getting kickbacks

from a private juvenile detention prison

for every kid he sends in there.

We just haven't been
able to prove it yet.

If I do this job,

my kid goes free?

All the railroaded kids would go free.

Okay.

- Cobra's in.
- Great.

Well, I'm the S.A.C.
in this rent-a-goon op.

U.A.C.B.

Are we clear?

Couldn't be clearer.

When are you guys gonna
get me out of here?

Well, I talked to a lawyer.

He said it would cost $15,000

and could take up to two years.

Two years?

Guys, they're sending me to Murdock.

Do you know what they do
to kids like me in Murdock?

Is there anything I can get you

that you need right now?

A soda? Maybe some chips?

Yeah, because some snacks are
gonna make everything wonderful.

I'm on it.

I saw a vending machine
down the hallway.

Listen, Austin,

I'm working on something

that might get you
out of here real soon.

I'm gonna take care of you.

You know how many times
I've heard that in my life?

Well, I'm here already.

Oh, my.

Oh, my!

I tell you, it's amazing

how you got songs from different artists

all on the same compact disc.

It's like an all-star game for my ears.

Oh, hello.

Yeah, Ashlee, this is...

- Oh, thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

This is Dora, the girl that I trounced

in the presidential election
after she insulted me.

Oh, right! Alden told me about that.

From the way he described you,

I had no idea you were so pretty.

Well... thank you.

So you're dating Alden.

Uh... uh...

Why?

Well, why wouldn't I?

He's the sweetest, most
charming man I've ever met.

And she's met lots of men.

He made me believe in myself.

And even more, he made
me believe in the Lord.

Yeah, Ashlee is becoming
a member of our church.

Oh, wonderful. You don't bowl, do you?

It's just that our ladies'
team has been down a gal

ever since Louise Polk
had her foot taken.

Sounds... fun.

Count me in.

Yeah, we-we really should be going,

uh, uh, Sugarplum.

Don't worry, Dora. You'll
find love too someday.

Maybe.

Buddy.

There's something you
don't know about me.

Happy to keep it that way.

In my 20s, after my career

as a cruise ship
magician didn't pan out,

I dreamed of being a lawyer.

But unfortunately, I
couldn't pass the bar.

Ah, who can?

See those neon beer
signs, you gotta go in.

But I did write a brief
letter to the supervising judge

arguing how grossly unfair
Judge Bell's sentence was,

vis-à-vis Austin's petty vandalism.

I couldn't have Russell's letter

spooking Judge Bell
before I could bust him.

I'm off to mail it right now.

If only I had... a stamp.

You know what, let's get
this moving even faster.

I'll take it.

I'm going down to the courthouse anyway.

Another matter.

W-Wait, if you're parking at a meter,

you'll need a quarter.

This is the Royal
Caribbean all over again.

You will never guess what
I found in Buddy's bed.

This.

How do you think it got there?

How do you think it got there?

I don't know.

I mean, do you think that Buddy

could be interested in women?

Uh, well, you know him better than me.

Yeah.

Guess I just never thought about it.

Who do you think it could be?

Uh...

Well, whoever it is,

they're pretty trashy.

Actually, I think
it's sexy and tasteful.

Maybe if you're a prostitute.

Sheriff, what a pleasant surprise.

That almost sounded sincere.

I do my best.

You know the other day when
you took that lie detector test?

Really something how that
machine didn't work on you.

I hear those babies
are expensive to fix.

Is it still under warranty?

Funny thing though.

After you left, I asked Lionel

to hook me up to it,
and it worked just fine.

I wondered, why would
the test work for me

and not for you?

Maybe it's more of a "lady-tector" test.

Come on.

But then I thought,

what if Lionel couldn't
get a baseline on you

because every answer
about yourself was a lie?

That would mean you
aren't who you say you are,

Pastor Barlow.

And given your logic,
that would also mean

I didn't kill Ray Flores.

But I have a feeling you know who did.

And I'm not gonna stop
until I know all about that

and all about you.

Turns out, cops and judges

weren't the only boobs
causing me trouble.

This is why I told you,
you should never wear bras.

I don't like lying to my friends, Buddy,

and I don't like sneaking around.

Maybe we should just
tell everyone about us.

No. No, I'm not ready.

I'm still confused about
the whole gay/straight thing.

You weren't confused last night.

Three times.

Yeah, but on the last one,

I was pretending you were a dude.

Look, I don't know if you're confused

or embarrassed or just afraid
of how people will react,

but until you figure it out,

maybe we shouldn't do this anymore.

Maybe you're right.

No, this is not one of those moments.

Still no.

The plot thickens.

This was my one shot to
get Austin out of jail.

But if the FBI saw through me,

I knew I'd be joining him.

Okay, let's get you wired.

What are you doing?

I was just gonna put this on your lapel.

Oh, yeah.

Just I've been through
so many of these things.

I'm bored.

- Yeah, right.
- Yeah.

All right, it's voice-activated,

so it'll pick up
everything the judge says.

I take it you're well versed
in tactical memorization.

Of course.

Good.

This is a list of all
the facts about the case

and questions I want
you to ask the judge.

Commit to memory.

Hey.

What?

Can't have any leave-behinds.

Right.

It's just that... call me old-school,

I usually eat the paper.

No agent does that.

Fact.

I once at a field manual

and shit out Old Glory.

Dare me.

Man, Cobra, you're something else.

And don't you forget it.

Blonde with dark roots.

Coarse from years of bleaching.

It could be Alexa's. What's your point?

That it could have been
Alexa in Buddy's bed.

Doing what people do in bed.

You know, when they're
not sleeping or reading

or watching TV or knitting or...

I know what people do,
but that's ridiculous.

Is it?

Because when I showed her the bra,

she seemed a little squirrely.

I know for a fact that Buddy Barlow

is 100% gay.

No man can look at me the way he does

and be a breeder.

Maybe he's weaning
himself off being gay.

That's not how it works.
It's not like dairy or carbs.

Well, something is going on.

And I'm going to find out what.

Your Honor, I'm a law and
order guy just like you.

And I love how you take a hard stance

against juvenile delinquents,

but you should let Austin McCain go.

Why is that?

Because he's a good kid.

And believe me, there are
a lot of bad ones out there.

Real scumbags who deserve to be in jail.

Harsh language for a man of God.

Oh, trust me.

God wants these troublemaking turds

behind bars as much as you and I do.

And I can get 'em for you.

What do you mean for me?

I mean, for the justice system.

For America.

If we work together,
we could get a hundred

of these pre-pube drug-running
dirtballs off the street.

Pastor, as much as I appreciate

your anticrime zeal,

I am not in the habit of
rescinding my sentences.

- But, Your Honor...
- I'm sorry.

Now if you'll excuse
me, I'm due in court.

You're in a mood.

You bet I am.

You know, since my divorce is final

as of today, I thought we might...

move it up a notch.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry, we have to stop.

What? What? What?

What, is it your lady time?

Oh, that damn moon!

No, it's not that.

It's just ever since
you've shown me the light

and introduced me to the church,

I want to respect that.

Uh...

What do you mean?

Alden, I love you.

But I don't think we
should have relations

before we get married.

You love me?

Yeah.

♪ The time may come for us to part ♪

♪ But ever since the start ♪

♪ You captured my whole heart ♪

As if failing to save
Austin wasn't bad enough,

now I had to give him the news.

When you gave the
supervising judge my letter,

what did he say?

Uh, he was very impressed.

He's gonna give it
serious consideration.

He said that?

Well, not out loud.

Hey, what's going on?

They're taking me to Murdock.

Come on, Landecker, can't
you just get my kid out?

They'll eat him alive in Murdock.

Sorry, he's gonna have to sit tight

until we nail the judge.

You of all people know
these ops take time.

I gotta go.

Pastor.

We have some big news to share.

Show him, Honeybunch.

We're engaged. Eeh!

Holy s... Schmidt.

That's... that's fast.

Well, Reverend, when you
know something is right,

why wait, huh?

Now I'm gonna go get
us a latte to celebrate,

one with a little heart in the foam.

Ohh.

You are so adorable.

Oh.

She is...

This is all one big con, isn't it?

No, I'm madly in love with him

because he's so incredibly charming.

Jesus, Ashlee.

I could see taking Schmidt
for a few bucks, but marriage?

Why should I keep
sleeping with guys like you

when I can marry him
and be set for life?

Guys like me? You mean big downstairs?

What kinda funhouse mirror
have you been looking in?

Hey, what makes you think I'll
let you do this to Schmidt?

He's one of my favorite
300 or 400 congregants.

You're not gonna say a word.

Yeah, give me one good reason why not.

Because it'd be a real
shame if people found out

their favorite gay pastor likes
banging hookers in the woods

and buying fake passports

and stealing watches and fencing...

I said one.

The order is in.

Now, until I make the
formal announcement,

not a word of this to anyone, huh?

Oh, don't worry.

I wouldn't know what word to use anyway.

Well, mum.

Oh!

Excuse me, kids.

Alexa, what's up?

Just so you know, Dora found
a blonde hair in your bed.

She was just here, trying
to match it to mine.

Damn. Did you deny?

Well, yeah, but I don't
think she's buying it.

Maybe we should just come clean.

No. We can't tell the truth.

That's not our thing.

Okay, here's what I want you to do.

Okay.

Judge.

Is there somewhere we
can speak privately?

I gave some thought to what
you said in my chambers.

I believe we think alike

when it comes to these young miscreants.

Right, but first let's talk
about these lowlife kids.

And how we're gonna
get 'em off the streets

and into jail.

As many as you can send me,

Murdock has room for them.

Huh.

Is there a problem?

Well...

it's just that so much of a pastor's day

is spent fundraising.

That doesn't leave much time
for helping out law enforcement.

I see.

What if my associates
at Murdock Correctional

were to provide you with a
$1,000 per head finder's fee?

A thousand dollars?

These are kids we're talking about here.

Aren't their lives worth
at least two grand to me?

I'll give you $1,200.

Deal.

I'll be in touch.

Judge.

Did you hear that? He
offered me cash for kids.

Boo-ya!

Oh, shit.

I'd screwed up again,

but there was nothing I
could do till tomorrow.

Tonight, I had another problem to solve.

Good night, Buddy.

Dora, could you come up here, please?

Come in.

Oh, my, what's all this?

Oh, just some stuff I've been
collecting for homeless women.

I'm just not sure it's sexy enough.

Excuse me? Why would it matter...

- Think about it, Dora.
- Okay.

Have you ever seen a
really sexy homeless woman?

Uh...

No.

Everyone knows the hotter you look,

the more likely you are to have a home.

So the quicker I get
these ladies looking great

and feeling good about themselves,

the quicker they'll
have a place to live.

I just... I don't... I'm not
so sure that it works that way.

Well, maybe it does, maybe it doesn't,

but don't we owe it to our
homeless sisters to find out?

Well, what about the homeless guys?

Well, a lot of them
are drunks and wackos.

There's only so much I can do.

Well, I may not always
agree with your methods,

but it's good to know, as always,

your heart is in the right place.

Thanks.

By the way, I could have
sworn I had a red bra in here.

You haven't seen one, have you?

I will keep my eyes open for that,

but, oh boy, I gotta go. But good night.

- Night.
- Yeah.

Alexa, it worked.

You can come over and
get your stuff back.

Yes!

With the bra problem off my back,

I thought it was time
to reconnect with Alexa

and give her a good laugh.

Well, hello.

One thing I never
thought I'd say to you,

I have that same bra.

Clearly we both have great taste.

One thing I always knew I'd say to you,

you're under arrest.

Thanks for letting me change.

It wasn't for you. It was for me.

I'm still trying to get
that picture out of my brain.

Listen, I don't know how
many times I have to tell you.

I didn't kill Ray Flores.

Oh, I'm not arresting you for that.

We know who the killer is.

Ballistics traced it
back to a Jasmine Evans.

Then what are you arresting me for?

Remember when I gave
you this little present?

It's got a listening device in it.

Heard every sound you've
made over the past few days,

including the incessant masturbation.

Uh, that's not illegal.

It ain't normal.

When I got a warrant for this,

I knew you'd say
something incriminating,

and today you did.

You're under arrest
for attempted bribery

of a public official.

But I didn't...

Wait, you have the judge and me on tape?

Mm-hmm.

Sheriff, I'm gonna give you a big kiss.

You do, you'll get maced.

Okay.

You talked to the sheriff?

I filled her in.

You're good to go, Cobra.

You're free to leave, Agent.

Sorry I couldn't tell you anything,

but you understand I was
and still am deep undercover.

I suppose.

Your apology is accepted.

I didn't apologize.

Feels like you want to.

There it is!

You're forgiven.

I was wrong about you. You came through.

Oh, don't thank me. He's
the one who got you out,

thanks to his brilliant legal letter.

Wait, really?

I want to be falsely
modest, but I just can't.

Yes, it was me.

And I wouldn't mention any
of this to Russell's brother.

But if you do, remember I saved the day.

All right.

- Time to celebrate.
- What's the occasion?

I talked to the sheriff.

She's not going after us anymore.

We're in the clear.

That's fantastic.

Oh.

And I've been thinking,

I'm not confused anymore.

I don't know how it's gonna work,

but I know I need you in my life.

I thought that would
get a better reaction.

Who are you?

I'm her husband.

Synced and corrected by Octavia
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