All language subtitles for The Munsters S01E19 (Eddies Nickname)

Herman, has Eddie
come home from school yet?

Uh, I don't know, Lily.
I just got home myself.

I had to stay a little late at the parlor
and lay out some things for the boss.

Well, I'm about to fix supper,
and I want to ask him about dessert.

So, let me know
when Eddie comes in.

- Hmm?
- I said, will you let me know
when Eddie comes home?

Oh. Yes, dear.

[Door Opens]

I'll never go again!

Never, never, never!

You can do anything
you want to me!
I'll never go back!

Not in my whole life.!

I don't care what you do to me.
I won't go back even if I die.

Never, never, never, never!

I'm through with school.
Never again!

I wouldn't go back
if I died a hundred-million
thousand times.!

[Door Closes]

Lily.

Oh, Lily.
Yes, dear?

I think Eddie's home from school.

But, Herman, if Eddie said all those things
about being through with school,
there must be a reason.

Didn't you even ask him?
Well, maybe they just
sent him home.

Kids are always playing pranks.

I remember when I went to school.

Some of the kids used to put
the girls' pigtails in the inkwells.

Of course, I put the girls
in the inkwells.

Grandpa, please.

Did you ask him why he was
so definite about quitting school?

Well, no.

With Little Orphan Annie
in such a mess, I guess
I just didn't get around to it.

Well, it's hard to concentrate
on two things at once, you know.

Oh, Herman, you make me so angry.

Now, I want you
to go upstairs right now...

and have a father-and-son talk
with Eddie.

All right, dear.

All right.

But wouldn't it be better
if Eddie came down here,

so I could sort of
lean on the mantel
while we talk man-to-man?

- Why in the world would you
want to do that?
- Oh, I don't know.

I just always thought
Robert Young had great success
leaning on the mantel.

[Chuckles]

Oh. Oh.

Herman, will you get upstairs!

Yes, dear.

Eddie. Uh...

Hello in there.
Uh, it's me.

Um, your father.

Herman Munster.

[Footsteps Approaching]

Uh... Uh, may I come in?

Sure, Pop.

[Clears Throat]
Uh, Eddie,

I came up here
to have a little talk with you.

Uh, man-to-man.

Mom made ya, huh?

No, I wouldn't say
your mother made me.

Uh, naturally, I'm curious to know
why you said all those things
about quitting school.

Well, then, how come
you didn't say anything
when I came home?

All you did was sit there
and read your old newspaper.

Eddie, your father's a very busy man,

and you must realize
that when I come home,

I have lots of business problems
on my mind.

The solution to which
often depends...

on a thorough and concentrated perusal
of world events in the newspaper.

Boy, that Little Orphan Annie
must be in a real jam.

Oh, she is. But, you know,
I think Daddy Warbucks is... Eddie.

That is not the point.

The point is I came up here
to find out why you've suddenly
turned against school.

It's just that I can't go back there
ever again on account of
what happened today.

Eddie, whatever the problem is,
you can tell old Dad.

Well, today at recess
the kids made up a nickname for me.

- And they called me by it.
- They called you a nickname?

Hmm. What in the world
could anyone think of
to call you?

Oh, it was awful, Dad.
Wherever I went, some kid popped up
and called me... Oh.

- Called you what?
- I can't say it.

It's too awful to repeat...
even to my own father.

Eddie, as your father,
I demand to be told.

- What's the nickname?
- It's... It's Shorty.

Shorty?
Yeah.

And they made it up
for no good reason,

except I'm the shortest boy
in my class.

I see. Eddie,

do you know what
a very wise man once said?

What?
He said,

"Sticks and stones
can break my bones,
but names can never hurt me."

That's because nobody
ever called him Shorty.

Why do I have to be short?
Why can't I be big and tall like my hero?
Eddie,

I don't know who this hero is
that you're talking about, but, uh,

take it from me,
he's probably not worth
looking up to at all.

[Chuckles]
Lots of so-called heroes...

are just conceited,
vain, good-for-nothings...
as a rule.

But, Dad,

the hero I'm talking about is you.

Oh.

Well, Eddie,
there are exceptions
to every rule, aren't there?

[Chortles]

[Lily]
Please, darling, eat.

I'm eating.
I'm eating.

- I'm talking to Eddie.
- Oh.

- Herman.
- Yes, dear?

I know you've had
a talk with Eddie,

but I don't think
we should allow our child
to be tormented in school any longer.

I feel that we should complain to
the teacher, the principal...

and, if necessary,
to the Board of Education.

Why go through
all this red tape...

when I can solve this problem
with a plain, old-fashioned spelling bee?

What's a "plain, old-fashioned"
spelling bee?

Well, you see,

I invite all the little boys and girls
who call Eddie "Shorty"
to a free party,

and then, when they get here,
I cast a spell over them
and turn them into kangaroos.

Gee, that sounds great, Grandpa!
Will you do it?

No. Grandpa will do
no such thing.

That's right, Grandpa. I'm sure
if there's one thing Eddie doesn't need
it's your broken-down magic.

Ha!
Gee, Dad,

how am I gonna face
the other kids in school tomorrow?

They're still gonna call me Shorty.

Eddie, I'm sure it's strictly
a psychological problem.

And I'm sure that you can overcome it
with the proper psychological attitude.

In other words,
plant both feet
firmly on the ground...

and keep your chin up.

I'll try, Pop.

[Grandpa]
It's okay to have your feet
firmly planted on the ground, Eddie,

but if you keep your chin up that high,
you're a sucker for a left hook.

Oh, sorry, Grandpa.
Shh. Not so loud.

I don't want your father to hear
that I'm teaching you
about boxing. Ooh.

That man is so opposed to violence,
if he found out, he'd kill me.

Okay. How's this, Grandpa?
That's pretty good.

Now, keep your hands up high
and your weight evenly balanced.

Now should I try to hit you?

Oh, not yet. I have to
work out a plan of strategy for you.

Now, we'll pretend
that I'm one of your classmates...

and we're standing
in a school yard waiting to fight...

because I called you Shorty.

And just as we're ready to go,
you point behind me and say,
"Hold it. A teacher is coming."

See? And then as I turn to look...
[Whistles]
Left and right in the stomach.

Got that? Okay.
Now, let's get set.

Hold it.
A teacher's comin'.
Where?

[Groans]

Hey, that works great, Grandpa.

- You're telling me.
- But isn't that fighting dirty?

Only if you use it
against girls.

Try it again, okay?
Now get set.

Hold it.
My father's comin'.

Not "my father."
"A teacher is coming."

Want to bet?

Oh. Hiya, Herman.
What's new?

Grandpa, I want you and Eddie
to take off those boxing gloves
right now.

Oh.
[Chuckles]
Are these boxing gloves?

Yes, they are.
Eddie, you know we're wearing
boxing gloves?

L... I wonder where
they came from.
Yeah. Me too.

Grandpa, get 'em off.

I am really disappointed in you.

Imagine. A grandfather
training his own grandson
in brutality.

But we didn't even get to brutality.
I was just starting...
Grandpa,

I said no violence,
and I mean no violence.

Hmm.

You know, Eddie,
I love him,

but there are times
I'd like to bite him
right in the throat.

Good night, Grandpa.
You're going to bed?

I have to get plenty of rest so I'll have
enough energy to cry all day tomorrow
when the kids call me Shorty.

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Come back.

[Chuckles]
You won't have to cry
all day tomorrow.

As a matter of fact,
you'll never have to cry again
because somebody calls you Shorty.

Why not?
Why not?
[Laughs]

Because your adoring grandpa
is gonna give you a magic potion that
will make you grow six inches overnight.

Six inches?
Maybe seven.

Did you ever use it before?

Did I ever try it before?
I once gave it to a pirate
friend of mine who was only five feet tall.

- Did it work?
- "Did it work"? Didn't you ever
hear of Long John Silver?

It's what is known in the trade
as a magic milk shake.

Six inches? Overnight?
Yeah. Six inches.

And when you wake up
tomorrow morning,
you look in the mirror,

you'll see the tallest boy
in the class.

Bottoms up.

Good, good.
Now, nighty-night
and sleep tight.

[Herman]
Lily, today is a school day.
The child belongs in school.

[Lily]
With a beard?

Oh, Uncle Herman,
you can't expect Eddie
to go to school...

when he looks so different
from all the other kids.

Eddie...
Herman, Herman.
Speak gently.

He's in a state of shock.

Eddie,

uh, come upstairs.

I'll give you a quick shave.

It won't help.

That's funny.
I thought I heard a noise.

It was me.
I said it won't help.

I heard it again.

I think it's coming from
that chair.

Hmm.

I can't understand it.
Nobody's sitting here.

Oh, come on, Herman.
Knock it off. Will you stop
with the silent treatment?

Why won't a shave help?

Well, at the rate
Eddie grows whiskers,

he'll have five-o'clock shadow
by 9:00 a.m.

And whose fault is that?
He spoke to me!
He spoke to me! He did!

[Laughs]
My daughter's husband
spoke to me. See?

I want you two
to stop fighting.

Now... Now you make up
and bury the shovel.

I said I was sorry, didn't I?

Oh, Grandpa,
sometimes saying "I'm sorry"
just isn't enough.

Amen.

Some magic milk shake.

Well, how was I to know
I had inferior ingredients?

Now he's blaming it
on the ingredients.

That's right.
It must have been the he-frog.

The what?
The he-frog,
as distinguished from the she-frog.

You see, the recipe called for
the powdered shinbone of a he-frog.

Only they just don't make 'em
the way they used to.

I should have saved that one
from the 15th century.

Boy, those he-frogs
from the 15th century,
they were terrific.

I remember once
I said to Queen Isabella...

- Eddie, don't scratch it.
- But it itches.

I think there's a hunk of bacon
in there from breakfast.

I don't care.
Don't scratch it.

Mommy will run
the vacuum cleaner through it later.

Herman, Eddie should
see a doctor immediately.

Uh, I agree.

Why don't you take him down
to see our family doctor...
Dr. Dudley.

No. No.
I think you should take him.

After all, you are the boy's father,
and it's a very serious problem.

I still wish you'd take him.

Why?

Because if I walk down the street
with a boy wearing a beard,
everybody's gonna stare at me. That's why.

Oh, nonsense.

The least you could do
would be to phone the parlor,

ask for the morning off
to take your son to the doctor.

[Chuckles]
That's true, Herman.

And I have a clever idea
how to disguise Eddie...

so you won't be embarrassed
when you walk down the street.

Oh, Grandpa, don't try
any more of your magic on him.

No, Grandpa.
Don't you try turning him
into anything.

I have no intention
of hopping across town
with a bearded kangaroo.

Don't you worry, Herman.

Eddie, come with me.

Eddie, you know who
you look like?

Who?
Mitch Miller.

[Wails]
I'm sorry, Eddie. I'm sorry.

I was only kidding.
Come on. I'm sorry.

Oh. All right, Miss Fairchild,
next patient.

Are you emotionally prepared?

E-Emotionally prepared for what?

Mr. Herman Munster.

Oh, no.

I'll never forget the last house call
I made there.

I was writing out an order
for an autopsy...

when Mr. Munster
double-crossed me
and sat up in bed.

Well, today we have
Mr. Herman Munster and son.

And son?

Mr. Munster had the guts
to become a father?

Apparently.

Do they, uh, look alike?

No. The little boy
is much shorter.

That's not what I meant.
Do they look alike in...

well, for lack of a better word,
the face?

Why don't you peek
in the waiting room
and see for yourself?

All righty. I will.

Oh, no.

Mr. Munster's face is bad enough.

Imagine what his son's
must look like if he has to
cover it with a paper bag.

Shall I show them in now?

Yes, but you better have
Miss Hansen stand by
with an anesthetic.

For the patient?
No. For me.

Oh, uh...

Uh, good day, Dr. Dudley.

Good day, Mr. Munster.

And what, uh...
[Chuckles]

I mean, uh,
who have we here?

Uh, this is my son, Dr. Dudley.

[Chuckles]
And, uh, what's your name,
little man?

[Muffled]
Edward Wolfgang Munster.

[Chuckles]
Pardon me, I didn't quite get it.

Uh, Edward Wolfgang Munster.

Oh. Uh, will you, uh,
please both be seated?

Oh, thank you.

[Sighs]
Okay, Eddie.

We're gonna let the doctor
see your face.

How old is little
Eddie Wolfgang again,
Mr. Munster?

He's 10.
Ten.

Excuse me just a minute.

All righty.
Shall we have a go at it again?

Oh, my goodness.

Has he had it since birth?

Uh, the head?
Oh. Oh, yes. That's the original.

The beard.

Oh. Uh, only since this morning.

His grandfather gave him
a frog-leg cocktail yesterday...

to make him grow,

but it just grew a beard.

Excuse me just a minute.

You want a snap diagnosis?

Will a snap cure go with it?
Yes.

- Shoot.
- Edward Wolfgang's beard...

is the result of a certain
metabolic imbalance,

induced by what appear to be...

metaphysical or esoteric stimuli...

unknown to present-day medicine.

I see.
And the cure?

Lay in a big supply...

of paper bags.

Eddie, don't get your beard
in your soup.

- Uncle Herman.
- What?

- Didn't Dr. Dudley
say anything constructive?
- No.

When I rejected
the paper bag theory,

he suggested
that Eddie get used to
a new nickname... Fuzzy.

That's even worse than Shorty.

We all know
who we have to thank for that.

For your information, Herman,
I'm gonna make it up to him.

- How?
- I'm gonna make him my partner.

- A partner in what?
- Well, you remember that potion
that Eddie drank?

How could we forget it?
I'm gonna mass-produce it...

and sell it at three dollars a bottle
as a sure cure for baldness.

Eddie, Eddie, sit up straight.

I'll make a fortune,
and I'll split with him 60-40.

What's the matter with 50-50?

You want me to split 50-50
with a 10-year-old kid?

- Grandpa, I don't want you
to do anything. Just...
- Eddie, be careful.

Look!

- What happened?
- Well, the soup's disintegrated
Eddie's beard.

She's right.
Dunk it again.

No. No.
Don't move.

Look.! The... The beard's gone.

[Sighs]
Thank goodness.

I wouldn't want to
go through life with a son
who looked like General Grant.

There goes my surefire cure
for baldness.

- Is it really gone?
- Look in the mirror and see.

Yippee!
[Laughs]

Well, I don't know
how this reflects on my cooking,
but... my child comes first.

[Herman]
Uh... Uh, Lily, Eddie.

Please, sit down.

- Eddie.
- Yes, sir.

Now that your problem is solved,

have you learned a lesson?

- I think so.
- What?

I'll never tell Mom I don't like
her homemade soup again.

- That's not what I had in mind.
- It isn't?

The lesson I want you to learn
is it doesn't matter what you look like.

You can be tall or short...

or fat or thin or ugly...

or handsome,
like your father,

or you can be black
or yellow or white...

it doesn't matter.

What does matter
is the size of your heart...

and the strength
of your character.

Eddie, do you understand
what your father means?

- Mmm.
- Well, now, Eddie,

now that you've solved
one of the little problems
of growing up,

let's get on with our meal.

Herman, you know something?

What, Grandpa?
You're all right.

You aren't perfect,
but you're all right.

Thank you.

Hello, Lily, dear.
Hello, Herman, dear.

Herman, you've gotta
talk to Eddie.
Yes, he's up in his room crying.

What happened today?

Well, he was playing baseball
with some other boys
in the neighborhood,

and he struck out
with two out and the bases loaded.

Poor kid.
He must feel awful.

Um, I'll go upstairs and talk to him.

Herman, Lily,
I've got an idea
that can solve this whole problem.

What? What?
If I could get ahold of a bat...

a baseball bat once used
by Stan "The Man" Musial...

I could take it down into the lab,
crush it into a fine powder,
so he would be able to digest it.

I remember once saying to...