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1
00:00:02,567 --> 00:00:03,786
Hey, bye, guys!
2
00:00:03,873 --> 00:00:05,918
Have fun at the Happy Zone!
Don't forget...
3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,052
...run around a lot
and get very tired.
4
00:00:09,139 --> 00:00:11,968
Okay, say
goodbye to daddy, kids.
5
00:00:12,055 --> 00:00:14,188
- Bye, daddy.
- Buh-bye!
6
00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:15,580
Yeah.
7
00:00:15,667 --> 00:00:17,756
Daddy's really gonna miss us.
8
00:00:17,843 --> 00:00:19,976
- What? What do you mean? I am!
- Yeah, yeah.
9
00:00:20,063 --> 00:00:21,456
I just, I've got
a ton of stuff to do.
10
00:00:21,543 --> 00:00:23,414
Oh, yeah. Okay. Fine. Bye.
11
00:00:43,869 --> 00:00:45,654
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah!
12
00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:54,315
'Hello?'
13
00:00:54,402 --> 00:00:55,838
Anybody home?
14
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:57,013
Oh.
15
00:01:00,886 --> 00:01:02,018
'Raymond?'
16
00:01:06,414 --> 00:01:07,676
Hello?
17
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,390
Hey.
18
00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:28,436
Raymond, what are you doing?
19
00:01:28,523 --> 00:01:31,656
I'm-I'm playing hide-and-seek
with the kids here.
20
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,051
Oh, hide-and-seek.
Move over.
21
00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:48,456
Hi, I'm Ray and I live here in
Long Island with my wife, Debra.
22
00:01:48,543 --> 00:01:51,372
My six year old daughter,
and twin, two year old boys.
23
00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:52,590
Whee!
24
00:01:52,677 --> 00:01:56,116
My parents
live across the street.
25
00:01:57,291 --> 00:01:58,770
That's right.
26
00:01:59,989 --> 00:02:02,165
And my brother lives with them.
27
00:02:02,252 --> 00:02:04,559
Now, not every family would defy
gravity for you
28
00:02:04,646 --> 00:02:06,126
but mine would because...
29
00:02:06,213 --> 00:02:07,605
Everybody loves Raymond.
30
00:02:08,606 --> 00:02:10,086
Hey, you didn't, uh...
31
00:02:13,524 --> 00:02:14,786
'What's this?'
32
00:02:14,873 --> 00:02:16,223
Oh, that's the invitation
33
00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:18,442
to Tom and Marianne's
baby shower this weekend.
34
00:02:18,529 --> 00:02:20,966
Baby shower? Why is it addressed
to both of us?
35
00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:23,230
'Cause you're invited too.
It's for couples.
36
00:02:23,317 --> 00:02:24,883
- Couples?
- Yeah.
37
00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:28,365
Well, since when does the guy
have to go to that?
38
00:02:28,452 --> 00:02:33,109
Oh, come on. They're screwing
with nature now.
39
00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:35,024
Well, you know,
it's their first baby.
40
00:02:35,111 --> 00:02:37,200
They're still excited.
41
00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:38,723
"Dear Ray and Debra
42
00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:41,204
we hope each of our guests
will make a presentation."
43
00:02:41,291 --> 00:02:42,423
What?
44
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:44,425
"You can recite a poem
do a skit.
45
00:02:44,512 --> 00:02:49,952
The proud parents will tape it
as a tribute for the child."
46
00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:51,388
Tribute?
47
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:54,174
Oh, who's she's got
in there, Gandhi?
48
00:02:54,261 --> 00:02:56,132
I can't go by myself.
You got to come with me.
49
00:02:57,568 --> 00:03:00,136
Debra, I got the twins down
50
00:03:00,223 --> 00:03:02,965
and I made your bed,
and I hung up some clothes.
51
00:03:03,052 --> 00:03:07,491
I tell you so you
won't be shocked later.
52
00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:10,538
What is that?
53
00:03:10,625 --> 00:03:13,454
Huzzah! Huzzah!
54
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:15,847
It's my dad
and his crazy friend Harry
55
00:03:15,934 --> 00:03:17,980
and they're running
at our house.
56
00:03:21,070 --> 00:03:23,377
Marie, water.
57
00:03:23,464 --> 00:03:24,943
What are you doing, dad?
58
00:03:25,030 --> 00:03:27,946
Attacking your house.
59
00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:31,211
Harry got your father back
into the Civil War reenacting.
60
00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:32,908
Damn glad I did.
61
00:03:32,995 --> 00:03:34,562
I'm proud to lead
this beautiful bastard
62
00:03:34,649 --> 00:03:37,042
into battle.
63
00:03:37,129 --> 00:03:38,783
So you're one of those guys
64
00:03:38,870 --> 00:03:40,829
who, like, gets dressed up
in uniforms
65
00:03:40,916 --> 00:03:43,614
and recreates battles and...
66
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:46,400
I like war.
67
00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:48,837
Your father's a lieutenant.
68
00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,186
It's make-believe, ma.
69
00:03:50,273 --> 00:03:54,146
He could be Lincoln
if he wanted to.
70
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,626
Ah, Miss Marie.
71
00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:56,975
Hello, Harry.
72
00:03:57,062 --> 00:03:58,934
Please, ma'am, call me Jeb.
73
00:03:59,021 --> 00:04:00,631
Oh, well.
74
00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:02,938
Hello, Jeb.
75
00:04:03,025 --> 00:04:04,853
You are a sight
for sore eyes.
76
00:04:04,940 --> 00:04:10,032
And mine are pretty sore.
77
00:04:10,119 --> 00:04:12,208
Dad, what are you getting back
into this now for?
78
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:14,602
Next weekend
is our big 25th anniversary.
79
00:04:14,689 --> 00:04:19,563
We're reenacting our reenactment
of the battle of Gettysburg.
80
00:04:19,650 --> 00:04:22,436
Hey, Ray, about next weekend,
I was wondering--
81
00:04:22,523 --> 00:04:25,003
Wait a minute. Whoa, whoa.
00 already.
82
00:04:25,090 --> 00:04:27,310
I got to call that guy.
The darn guy. Darn it.
83
00:04:27,397 --> 00:04:29,573
What guy?
The darn guy about the thing
84
00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,010
with the, uh...
85
00:04:32,097 --> 00:04:36,928
The other guy. Get in here.
86
00:04:37,015 --> 00:04:39,279
Good cover, Ray.
You're brilliant at this.
87
00:04:39,366 --> 00:04:41,585
My father's about to ask me
to go to this war thing.
88
00:04:41,672 --> 00:04:42,891
What am I gonna do?
89
00:04:42,978 --> 00:04:44,588
Well, you tell him
you can't do it.
90
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:49,767
I can't just turn him down.
Look how excited he is.
91
00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:53,205
No. No. I got to tell him
I'm going somewhere else.
92
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,424
Well, you are going
somewhere else.
93
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:56,252
You're going
to the baby shower.
94
00:04:56,339 --> 00:05:00,169
Oh, God.
95
00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:02,432
Hey, what if I tell him
96
00:05:02,519 --> 00:05:03,955
I'm going
to the baby shower, right?
97
00:05:04,042 --> 00:05:05,653
He goes to his thing,
you go to your thing
98
00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:10,222
and I make sure
that things are good here.
99
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,790
Hey, no.
100
00:05:12,877 --> 00:05:15,532
Uh, hey, Ray,
we're gonna get going
101
00:05:15,619 --> 00:05:18,622
but I wanted to ask you
about next weekend.
102
00:05:18,709 --> 00:05:22,713
Yeah, next weekend
I'm going to a baby shower.
103
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,107
- What?
- Yeah.
104
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:28,066
It's for couples.
That's how they do it now.
105
00:05:28,153 --> 00:05:31,200
Well, I was gonna ask you,
since I'm gonna be at war
106
00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:34,421
if you wouldn't mind
taking out my recyclables.
107
00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:35,726
That's what
you wanted to ask me?
108
00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:37,728
'Yeah.'
109
00:05:37,815 --> 00:05:41,950
Hey, you know what my son's
doing while I'm out fighting?
110
00:05:42,037 --> 00:05:43,952
He's going to a baby shower.
111
00:05:45,214 --> 00:05:46,737
Oh, yeah?
112
00:05:46,824 --> 00:05:49,261
Back in Civil War days
we had names for guys like you.
113
00:05:51,176 --> 00:05:53,440
They're pretty much like
the names we have for you today.
114
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:59,315
Alright. This house is secure.
115
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:00,708
I want lunch!
116
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:04,799
May I escort you
across the street, Miss Marie?
117
00:06:04,886 --> 00:06:08,193
Thank you, Jeb.
What a gentleman.
118
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,326
Hey, if you're gonna act
like you're stealing her away
119
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,545
don't tease me.
120
00:06:11,632 --> 00:06:13,068
Steal her away!
121
00:06:15,679 --> 00:06:17,725
Have a nice shower, Nancy.
122
00:06:23,295 --> 00:06:24,906
Hey, Ray, listen. I was thinking
about what we could do
123
00:06:24,993 --> 00:06:27,082
for our presentation
for the baby shower.
124
00:06:27,169 --> 00:06:28,518
Oh, I was thinking
about that too.
125
00:06:28,605 --> 00:06:29,563
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
126
00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:31,086
Here's what I was thinking.
127
00:06:31,173 --> 00:06:32,392
We could get up there
right in front of everybody...
128
00:06:32,479 --> 00:06:33,784
This will be great.
129
00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:37,397
And then I put an ax
through my head, alright?
130
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:41,488
Then you do
the presentation by yourself
131
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,707
because, thank God, I'm dead.
132
00:06:49,539 --> 00:06:51,672
You know,
as much as I like that...
133
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:55,763
...it's gonna be tough
to follow.
134
00:06:55,850 --> 00:06:57,634
Please, don't make me go.
135
00:06:57,721 --> 00:06:59,593
Look, as bad as this shower
might be
136
00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,247
it doesn't even compare
to your dad's Civil War thing.
137
00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:03,727
Think about your poor brother.
138
00:07:03,814 --> 00:07:05,816
Yeah.
139
00:07:05,903 --> 00:07:06,948
Why?
140
00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:10,038
'Cause he's going to it.
141
00:07:10,125 --> 00:07:12,475
I mean, can you imagine being
stuck in a tent with your dad?
142
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:14,303
That's where
you need the ax.
143
00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:17,828
Wait a minute.
Robert's going to this thing?
144
00:07:17,915 --> 00:07:19,090
Yeah.
145
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:20,396
My dad asked him to go?
146
00:07:20,483 --> 00:07:22,137
Uh, yeah.
Your mom told me.
147
00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:26,794
What, Robert's so great?
148
00:07:29,318 --> 00:07:31,494
- No, I don't think that--
- And I get the recycling.
149
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,758
He doesn't even ask me.
150
00:07:34,845 --> 00:07:36,978
I mean, my father should ask me,
shouldn't he?
151
00:07:37,065 --> 00:07:38,240
Why didn't he ask?
152
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,634
Well, would you have gone?
153
00:07:40,721 --> 00:07:42,287
Of course not.
154
00:07:44,376 --> 00:07:46,422
But why does he want Robert
to go and not me?
155
00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:48,816
What's wrong with me?
156
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:56,258
Ray, I didn't know
that you'd be feeling so...
157
00:07:56,345 --> 00:07:58,086
Wait a minute.
158
00:07:58,173 --> 00:07:59,566
You're not acting all hurt
159
00:07:59,653 --> 00:08:01,089
just so I'll tell you
you should go with your dad
160
00:08:01,176 --> 00:08:03,526
so that you can get out
of the baby shower, are you?
161
00:08:05,833 --> 00:08:07,487
I'm not that smart.
162
00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:16,234
Hey.
163
00:08:16,321 --> 00:08:18,454
- Hey.
- Mm.
164
00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:21,196
Whoa, man.
It's pretty cold out there.
165
00:08:21,283 --> 00:08:22,632
What is that, breakfast?
166
00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:25,461
An authentic
Civil War breakfast.
167
00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:27,071
Your mother
makes a hell of a jerky.
168
00:08:27,158 --> 00:08:30,161
Yeah, you could swear
this was made in 1863, huh?
169
00:08:32,076 --> 00:08:33,295
So you guys, you're really
looking forward
170
00:08:33,382 --> 00:08:34,731
to this reenactment thing, huh?
171
00:08:34,818 --> 00:08:36,385
Hey, can't wait.
172
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:38,213
Violence without paperwork.
173
00:08:40,432 --> 00:08:42,217
So I guess everybody
who signed up
174
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:44,349
what are they, they're already
signed up already?
175
00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:46,308
Yeah. Why?
176
00:08:47,048 --> 00:08:49,050
I don't know.
177
00:08:49,137 --> 00:08:50,355
What are you saying?
178
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:53,184
You want to go
to the reenactment?
179
00:08:53,271 --> 00:08:54,621
You asking me?
180
00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:55,839
You want to go?
181
00:08:55,926 --> 00:08:58,668
I don't know.
You asking me?
182
00:08:58,755 --> 00:09:00,017
If I ask you, would you go?
183
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:01,584
Are you asking Raymond?
184
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:03,368
I don't know.
Does he want to go?
185
00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:04,500
Why are you asking me?
186
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,154
I don't.. Do you want to go?
187
00:09:06,241 --> 00:09:08,939
Alright, alright, I'll go!
188
00:09:09,026 --> 00:09:10,462
Thank you for asking.
189
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:13,378
Alright,
I got to go over to Harry's
190
00:09:13,465 --> 00:09:15,946
and tell him we need
another uniform.
191
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:17,948
- Can't you call him?
- No.
192
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,863
In his world, the phone
won't be invented
193
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:21,343
for another 13 years.
194
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,614
What?
195
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:33,094
You really want
to do this, huh?
196
00:09:34,051 --> 00:09:37,141
Well, you're going.
197
00:09:37,228 --> 00:09:39,187
Do you have any idea
what you're getting into?
198
00:09:39,274 --> 00:09:41,450
Well, yeah. Yeah.
199
00:09:41,537 --> 00:09:43,104
No bed...
200
00:09:43,191 --> 00:09:44,409
...no heat...
201
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:45,802
...no shower.
202
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,761
Weather report
for next weekend...
203
00:09:47,848 --> 00:09:48,979
...snow.
204
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,853
- Alright.
- Meals are hardtack, jerky.
205
00:09:52,940 --> 00:09:55,769
And whatever water
you can wring out of your socks.
206
00:09:55,856 --> 00:09:57,597
Oh, so you're this
big Civil War freak now
207
00:09:57,684 --> 00:09:59,599
just 'cause dad asked you
to go first, right?
208
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,818
He didn't ask me.
209
00:10:01,905 --> 00:10:03,690
- What?
- He didn't ask me.
210
00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:06,083
Since when does dad ask us
to do anything with him?
211
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:07,519
I had to enlist.
212
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:13,264
Oh, god,
I don't believe this!
213
00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:18,530
I only did this because...
214
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,359
Because you thought
he asked me and not you.
215
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,188
And now you have to go.
216
00:10:29,454 --> 00:10:31,456
Hey, better bring
a newspaper.
217
00:10:32,457 --> 00:10:34,329
They had newspapers then.
218
00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:36,287
They didn't have
toilet paper.
219
00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:44,252
- Debra.
- Hmm?
220
00:10:44,339 --> 00:10:50,475
"Newsday" or "USA Today"...
221
00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:51,781
...which is softer?
222
00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:57,439
I don't know.
223
00:10:59,049 --> 00:11:01,051
I'll bring 'em both.
I'll read one of 'em.
224
00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:06,578
What's all that stuff?
225
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,276
It's for that
reenactment thing.
226
00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:09,843
I got to go over to my father's
house tomorrow and get ready.
227
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:11,279
Oh, what are you bringing?
228
00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:13,542
Essentials.
You know, stuff for war.
229
00:11:15,196 --> 00:11:17,241
Rice Krispie Treats?
230
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:19,809
I don't think they had those
in the Civil War.
231
00:11:19,896 --> 00:11:22,420
- I never read that anywhere.
- Itty bitty book light?
232
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:25,554
Yeah, alright. Take it easy,
okay? I got to get ready.
233
00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:26,990
What do you mean?
It's a week away.
234
00:11:27,077 --> 00:11:28,426
I thought you were dreading
this thing.
235
00:11:28,513 --> 00:11:31,342
I am dreading it,
the war part.
236
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:33,997
The war part.
What else is there?
237
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:36,521
Well, there's my father.
238
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:38,175
You know,
it's the weirdest thing.
239
00:11:38,262 --> 00:11:40,264
At first, I just wanted
to get asked
240
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,266
but, you know, we never
did stuff together, me and him.
241
00:11:42,353 --> 00:11:45,617
Now I just.. I kind of want
to go with him.
242
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,576
- Really?
- 'Yeah.'
243
00:11:47,663 --> 00:11:49,709
War makes people
do crazy things.
244
00:11:54,409 --> 00:11:55,845
'Hello?'
245
00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:57,804
Hey, Ray, we're down here
in the basement.
246
00:11:57,891 --> 00:11:59,109
Yeah, come on down, Ray.
247
00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:00,720
Check your skirt
at the door.
248
00:12:02,547 --> 00:12:04,375
Hey, did Harry
drop off my uniform?
249
00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:05,899
He's on his way over now.
250
00:12:05,986 --> 00:12:07,770
I was just about
to show Robert
251
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,554
how to act
when you get shot.
252
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:11,513
What, like upset?
253
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,168
No. No, it's got
to be realistic.
254
00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:15,735
Here.
Here, let me show you.
255
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:17,475
Robert, make a gunshot noise.
256
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:20,478
What caliber, .22 or...
What are you, .45?
257
00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:21,610
- Ray.
- Bang.
258
00:12:21,697 --> 00:12:24,004
I'm hit.
259
00:12:25,092 --> 00:12:27,224
Keep fighting, men.
260
00:12:27,311 --> 00:12:29,574
Kill those rebel bastards.
261
00:12:35,929 --> 00:12:36,843
Abigail.
262
00:12:39,541 --> 00:12:40,890
Dear Abigail
263
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:43,588
my pretty, young
264
00:12:43,675 --> 00:12:46,243
non-nagging Civil War wife.
265
00:12:48,376 --> 00:12:50,291
Oh, Abigail.
266
00:12:53,337 --> 00:12:54,904
See?
267
00:12:54,991 --> 00:12:57,080
Getting shot is fun.
268
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:58,821
Not if you're watching.
269
00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:03,260
Oh, here, I think I pulled
everything I have.
270
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:04,392
Give me a hand.
271
00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:07,482
- Come on.
- There you go.
272
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:08,613
You alright, dad?
273
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,224
Sure, sure. Thanks.
274
00:13:10,311 --> 00:13:11,573
See?
275
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,880
That's what the Civil War
is about
276
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:16,186
families coming together...
277
00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:18,058
To kill other families.
278
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,190
Amen.
279
00:13:22,236 --> 00:13:23,541
Hey, you know
what just occurred to me?
280
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:25,282
If someone really dies
281
00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:28,546
you don't find out about it
till the car ride home.
282
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,722
Look at this. Look at this
old pocket knife.
283
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,421
It's got initials on it, A.B.
Who's A.B?
284
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:36,119
- Albert Barone, my father.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
285
00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:37,468
Oh, yeah?
He gave that to you?
286
00:13:37,555 --> 00:13:38,992
Yeah, yeah.
287
00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:41,690
It's pretty cool.
When? When did he give you this?
288
00:13:41,777 --> 00:13:44,998
Yeah, we were always camping,
hiking, canoeing.
289
00:13:45,085 --> 00:13:47,348
Guess he gave it to me
on one of those trips.
290
00:13:47,435 --> 00:13:49,611
Oh, yeah?
Hey, this is history.
291
00:13:49,698 --> 00:13:51,004
I can take this
on the reenactment with me.
292
00:13:51,091 --> 00:13:52,701
No, no.
293
00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:54,834
They had no knives like this
during the Civil War.
294
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:56,748
Everything has to be
completely authentic.
295
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,489
- 'Yeah.'
- See these pants?
296
00:13:58,576 --> 00:14:00,013
No zipper.
297
00:14:02,145 --> 00:14:03,755
Good luck with that.
298
00:14:05,322 --> 00:14:06,628
Good morning, men.
299
00:14:06,715 --> 00:14:08,369
- Morning, sir!
- Morning, sir!
300
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:11,807
Hi.
301
00:14:13,722 --> 00:14:15,942
You'll be pleased to know
that the battlefield is ours.
302
00:14:16,029 --> 00:14:18,509
The carnival and the petting zoo
have moved on.
303
00:14:18,596 --> 00:14:20,163
- Huzzah!
- Huzzah!
304
00:14:21,338 --> 00:14:23,384
Here's your uniform.
305
00:14:23,471 --> 00:14:25,038
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
306
00:14:25,125 --> 00:14:27,040
- This is a different color.
- You didn't tell him?
307
00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:30,130
Oh, yeah.
The South's short a few guys
308
00:14:30,217 --> 00:14:31,914
so you're gonna have
to fight on their side.
309
00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:36,049
- South?
- Hey.
310
00:14:36,136 --> 00:14:37,746
Come on, I don't want
to fight on the South.
311
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:39,530
I want to be with you guys
at this thing.
312
00:14:39,617 --> 00:14:41,228
A rebel in a Union Camp?
313
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:43,012
That is out
of the question, soldier.
314
00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:45,449
I'm not a rebel!
315
00:14:45,536 --> 00:14:46,929
Come on.
I don't know those guys.
316
00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:49,149
I'm gonna be all shy.
317
00:14:49,236 --> 00:14:50,802
Don't make me slap you.
318
00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:55,416
I'm never gonna pass
for a Southerner, okay?
319
00:14:55,503 --> 00:14:57,809
What if they
hear me talk?
320
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,724
Maybe they'll hang you
as a spy.
321
00:15:01,422 --> 00:15:03,032
Robert,
want to give me a hand?
322
00:15:03,119 --> 00:15:04,947
I have a cannon
in the trunk of my car.
323
00:15:06,166 --> 00:15:08,908
Sir, yes, sir!
324
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:11,606
Wait. Robert,
talk to this guy, will you?
325
00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:13,303
Come on, I don't want to fight
for the South.
326
00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:17,307
I can't eat grits
and say "y'all."
327
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:18,700
I like you on the other side.
328
00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:19,962
It's more authentic.
329
00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:23,400
Brother against brother.
330
00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,149
Oh, my feet are killing me.
331
00:15:33,236 --> 00:15:36,892
I think these boots
are a size too small.
332
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:41,070
Tell me, what's it say on the
bottom of my right boot?
333
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:42,811
Left.
334
00:15:45,553 --> 00:15:46,946
Oh, crap.
What's it say on the other one?
335
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:49,644
Guess.
336
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:52,429
Alright, help me off
with them, will you?
337
00:15:52,516 --> 00:15:54,954
Hey, dad, are you sure
338
00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:57,043
I can't be
on your side at this thing?
339
00:15:57,130 --> 00:15:59,436
I told you, the South's
a few guys short.
340
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:02,135
Look, try yanking
from the heel, okay?
341
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:04,180
You know, I kind of thought
342
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:07,140
I'd be on your side on this
thing, you know with you.
343
00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:09,011
Look, I know
what you're worried about.
344
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:10,882
If we should come
face-to-face out there
345
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:14,277
I'll just shoot you
in the hand, alright?
346
00:16:14,364 --> 00:16:16,845
Aah! You're twisting.
What's the matter with you?
347
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:18,673
Look, either I'm on your side
on this thing
348
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:20,109
or I'm not gonna go, okay?
349
00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:21,676
You can't desert now.
350
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:25,419
There's no desert, dad.
There's no war here!
351
00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:27,160
It's just dressing up
in costumes
352
00:16:27,247 --> 00:16:30,598
like it's Halloween,
with your friend Harry/Jeb.
353
00:16:33,296 --> 00:16:34,776
You shut up now.
354
00:16:36,169 --> 00:16:37,909
This means something to us.
355
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,042
There's camaraderie here.
356
00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:42,131
There's spirit.
357
00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:45,091
You don't understand
anything about this.
358
00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:46,744
You have no idea
what it feels like
359
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:49,182
to stand on a battlefield
pretending to fight
360
00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:51,097
for something you believe in.
361
00:16:55,188 --> 00:16:57,973
Look, I'm not talking
about that, dad, okay?
362
00:16:58,060 --> 00:16:59,496
Then why do you want to go?
363
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:01,933
Believe it or not,
to be with you.
364
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,848
'Why can't you do something
with me for once?'
365
00:17:03,935 --> 00:17:05,850
What are you talking about?
We do stuff.
366
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:08,331
What? What do we do, dad?
What? What do we ever do?
367
00:17:08,418 --> 00:17:10,594
I can't believe
you're giving me all this grief
368
00:17:10,681 --> 00:17:12,857
just because you're not
on my side in this thing.
369
00:17:12,944 --> 00:17:14,598
I'm sorry I asked you to go.
370
00:17:14,685 --> 00:17:16,035
You didn't ask me to go.
371
00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:17,340
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
372
00:17:17,427 --> 00:17:18,820
I said, "Do you want to go?"
373
00:17:18,907 --> 00:17:20,430
Yeah, you said,
"Do you want to go?"
374
00:17:20,517 --> 00:17:22,998
not, "Do you want to go
because I want you to go?"
375
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:30,397
Oh, my God.
376
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:32,355
You are gonna
get passed around the campfire
377
00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:34,183
like a bag of chips.
378
00:17:38,579 --> 00:17:40,059
Alright.
Forget about it, then.
379
00:17:40,146 --> 00:17:42,974
Forget it. I won't go. Alright.
380
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:46,674
You know, I just...
I thought maybe you...
381
00:17:46,761 --> 00:17:48,545
We could do something
together for once
382
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,591
you know, like you did
with your father.
383
00:17:50,678 --> 00:17:52,114
- What are you talking about?
- What do you mean?
384
00:17:52,201 --> 00:17:53,463
What do you mean
what am I talking about?
385
00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:55,030
Didn't you just tell me
he gave you the knife?
386
00:17:55,117 --> 00:17:57,511
He took you hunting
and fishing and canoeing.
387
00:17:57,598 --> 00:17:59,034
Didn't you just
tell me that, dad?
388
00:17:59,121 --> 00:18:01,254
Or what,
is that all pretend too?
389
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:12,874
It is. It is, isn't it?
390
00:18:17,574 --> 00:18:19,837
Are you gonna help me off
with the damn boots or what?
391
00:18:30,892 --> 00:18:32,720
Turn. Turn the foot, dad.
392
00:18:36,898 --> 00:18:38,073
You know...
393
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:43,774
...I tried to be
better than him.
394
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,647
I know, dad. I know.
395
00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,129
Look, you're good at that,
aren't you...
396
00:18:51,478 --> 00:18:53,654
...doing stuff
with your kids?
397
00:18:54,829 --> 00:18:56,657
I'm alright.
398
00:18:56,744 --> 00:18:59,181
I could be better too.
399
00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:01,357
You know, but they'll probably
be better with their kids
400
00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:04,055
so we're on
the right track here.
401
00:19:05,666 --> 00:19:07,537
Your great, great grandchildren
402
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,713
will probably
be excellent parents.
403
00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:14,065
Yeah.
404
00:19:14,153 --> 00:19:18,505
So are you gonna come to
this thing with me or not?
405
00:19:18,592 --> 00:19:20,855
Alright. Stop asking.
406
00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:24,075
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come here. Come here.
407
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,077
I got to teach you
the Civil War handshake.
408
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,818
- Dad.
- Here, not like that.
409
00:19:27,905 --> 00:19:30,169
You got to clasp forearms
like this.
410
00:19:30,256 --> 00:19:31,779
- Right.
- It's stronger.
411
00:19:31,866 --> 00:19:32,910
Like this here?
412
00:19:32,997 --> 00:19:34,260
- Yeah.
- Okay.
413
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:43,486
You know, you're shaking hands
with a Confederate here.
414
00:19:43,573 --> 00:19:46,010
Yeah, you don't have
much of a grip there, Nancy.
415
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:54,367
Debra? Debra,
you've got to see this.
416
00:19:55,368 --> 00:19:56,673
Come on.
417
00:20:04,115 --> 00:20:08,772
We're just here
to say farewell to our kinfolk.
418
00:20:08,859 --> 00:20:10,513
Ray, your ride's here.
419
00:20:30,185 --> 00:20:31,447
Listen, if I don't come back
420
00:20:31,534 --> 00:20:33,232
it's 'cause I died
of embarrassment.
421
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:36,757
Well, I do declare
422
00:20:36,844 --> 00:20:39,803
you look so very fine
in your uniform.
423
00:20:39,890 --> 00:20:41,762
I believe I've got the vapors.
424
00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:46,680
Where were you last night?
425
00:20:46,767 --> 00:20:48,769
Come on. I don't want them
to start without us.
426
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:50,423
That's right.
427
00:20:50,510 --> 00:20:53,513
All the good killing's
in the first five minutes.
428
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,297
Hey, kids, when I come back
from the war
429
00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:56,994
we're gonna go
to the Happy Zone, right?
430
00:20:57,081 --> 00:20:58,213
I hope you win, daddy.
431
00:20:58,300 --> 00:21:00,868
Don't bet on it, kid.
432
00:21:00,955 --> 00:21:03,392
Hey, here. Ray, sign this card
for the baby shower.
433
00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:05,176
Oh, sorry. Got to go.
434
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:09,920
Oh, come on. What am I
gonna tell Tom and Marianne?
435
00:21:10,007 --> 00:21:12,009
Frankly, my dear...
436
00:21:15,578 --> 00:21:17,450
I don't give a damn.
437
00:21:29,331 --> 00:21:30,463
Idiots.
438
00:21:43,258 --> 00:21:44,738
Huzzah!
439
00:21:48,089 --> 00:21:49,656
I can't believe
you shot me, Robert.
440
00:21:51,701 --> 00:21:53,747
Stop talking.
You're ruining it.
441
00:21:55,401 --> 00:21:57,141
I got to lie here
all afternoon?
442
00:21:57,228 --> 00:21:59,405
It's got to be authentic.
443
00:21:59,492 --> 00:22:01,058
What authentic?
444
00:22:01,145 --> 00:22:03,322
Stonewall Jackson's
wearing a beeper.
445
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:08,979
His wife's pregnant.
29769
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