All language subtitles for Yes Minister S03E05 - The Bed of Nails

Are you sure Hacker's
the man for this?

Yes.

He's the best choice to bring in
an integrated transport policy?

- Yes.
- But he knows nothing about it!

No.

You've sounded out
the Transport Secretary

He won't touch it.

Yes. This could turn out to be
a bed of nails.

A crown of thorns.

A booby trap.

It has to look like
something's going to be done.

It calls for a particular
combination of talents,

lots of activity
but no actual achievement.

I see.

Then Hacker is the man!

So how do we go about him?

You're the PM's Chief Special
Advisor. You know the form.

We make it seem
like a special honour.

A promotion. A present.

But Sir Humphrey will tell Hacker
he'd be crazy to do it.

Yes.
Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes,

I can hear him say.

"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts,"
roughly translated.

Humphrey would have put it
in English for Hacker's benefit.

Hacker went to the LSE.

- So did I.
- Oh, I am sorry.

We must get an immediate
commitment from Hacker

before he talks to Humphrey.

- Today? Now
- Don't you think it'll work?

Flattering a politician?
When's it ever failed?

We'll offer to call him
Transport Supremo, shall we?

Yes, much more attractive
than Transport Muggins!

Ah, Jim!

Hello, Mark.

- Arnold.
- Drink?

Yes, thank you.

- Everything all right?
- Everything's fine.

We wanted...

That is,
the Prime Minister wanted

the Cabinet Secretary and me

to sound you out
about something...

something of an honour, I may say.

Honour?
You don't mean kicked up there?

No, no. A real honour.

A significant increase
of responsibility.

Now, what are your views

on the integrated National
Transport Policy?

Er... I... I...

Well, er... I...

Go on.

The PM has decided we need
a national transport policy.

Yes. Well. Why not?

You're in favour?

Public dissatisfaction with the
nationalised transport industries

is now at a high enough level
to worry the government, as you know.

Can you go on?

- No, we can't go on, not like this.
- We need a policy.

Not just blame the management
if there's an R in the month

and the unions the rest of the time.

Unfortunately,
they've got together.

Their line is
It's the government's fault.

Everything that goes wrong is the result
of not having an integrated policy.

- We did have a policy before.
- Did we?

Yes, it was our policy
not to have a policy.

Well, now the PM wants
a positive policy.

Oh, the PM. Yes, well, er...

I couldn't agree more.
I've always thought so.

Good.

Surely it's
a Ministry of Transport matter?

No.

Obviously the Transport
Secretary would love the job,

but he's too close to it all.

- Can't see the wood for the trees.
- It needs an open mind, uncluttered.

So the PM has decided
to appoint a supremo

to develop and implement
a national transport policy.

- Supremo?
- A supremo.

And...

Exactly.

It was agreed
you had the most open mind.

And the most uncluttered.

Of course it's a great honour
and a responsibility.

Er, but what... What sort of...
Er... I mean...

You mean what is required of an
integrated transport policy minister?

- It's to help the consumer.
- Very popular with the public.

- Not that that would...
- No, of course not. it's my duty.

The motorways were planned
without reference to the railways,

so there are great stretches
of motorway

running alongside
already existing railways.

- While other areas aren't served at all.
- Quite. We knew you'd understand.

- It's really quite simple.
- Yes.

- Then there's through tickets.
- Through tickets?

If you want to commute
from Henley to the City,

you need one British Rail ticket
to Paddington

and then an Underground ticket
to the Bank.

Have you ever seen

a combined bus and railway
timetable?

Or ever seen a bus timetable
in a railway station?

Has a bus driver ever seen
a bus timetable?

There's a British Rail
Western Region line

running less than a mile
north of Heathrow,

but no link line.

Bus and train services
don't connect, all over London.

And outside London
there are problems.

Probably.
But we don't know about them.

It's full of possibilities.

You'd like me to discuss it
with Humphrey and come back?

There is much to discuss
with Sir Humphrey,

but we need an indication
of your response now.

The PM's car leaves
for the airport in 30 minutes.

The Ottawa conference.

- Then the UN speech in New York.
- Then Washington.

Gosh, what a long trip.
Who's going to run the country

Sorry, Arnold. Silly question.

- So we can give the PM the good news?
- There's a lot to put in hand.

- Oh, yes. I'm on.
- Splendid! Have another drink.

- Ah, Minister.
- Sorry I'm late.

- Got some splendid news.
- Indeed, Minister?

- I have a new job.
- The department will be sorry to lose you.

No, I mean an extra job.

I've been asked to develop

an integrated national transport
policy by the Prime Minister.

I see.
And what was the good news?

That was the good news.

Oh. Then how,
if I may be so bold as to enquire,

- would you describe bad news?
- What?

Do you realise what this job
would mean if you accept it?

- I have accepted it.
- You've what?

- I have accepted it.
- Minister, you're not serious!

Yes, it's an honour.
We need a transport policy.

If by �we� you mean Britain,
that's quite true.

But if by �we� you mean
this department,

we need a transport policy
like an aperture in the cranial cavity!

It is a bed of nails!

I know it may cause
extra administrative duties.

Minister, that is not the point.

The reason there's no
integrated transport policy

is that it's in everybody's interest
except the minister who creates it.

Why?

How can I put it in a manner
which is close to your heart?

- It is the ultimate vote loser.
- Vote loser?

Why do you think
the Transport Secretary isn't doling it?

Why did he suggest
the Lord Privy Seal?

Why did the Lord Privy Seal
suggest

the Chancellor
of the Duchy of Lancaster,

who suggested
the President of the Council?

I didn't know this.

And why did they invite you
to No. 10 behind my back?

This hideous appointment
has been hurtling round Whitehall

for three weeks like a grenade
with the pin taken out!

If I pull it off,
It'll be a feather in my cap.

If you pull it off, Minister,
It won't be in your cap any more.

Thank you, Bernard.

If you pull it off, no one will feel
the benefits for ten years.

Long before that,
you and I will have moved on.

Or up.

- Or out.
- Out?

In the meantime, formulating
policy means making choices.

Once you do that, you please
the people that you favour,

but infuriate everybody else.

One vote gained, ten lost.

If you give the job
to the road services,

the rail board and unions
will scream.

Give it to the railways,
the road lobby will massacre you.

Cut British Airways
Investment plans,

they'll hold a devastating
press conference that same day.

But I'm going to be
Transport Supremo!

I believe the Civil Service vernacular
is Transport Muggins!

No, the Prime Minister
has asked me

to undertake this task,
this necessary duty.

After all, we must all endeavour
to do our duty.

Furthermore, Sir Mark thinks
there may be votes in it.

I won't look a gift horse
in the mouth.

You're looking
a Trojan horse in the mouth!

If we look closely at this gift horse
we'll find it full of Trojans?

If you'd looked
a Trojan horse in the mouth,

you'd have found Greeks inside.

It was the Greeks who gave
the Trojan horse to the Trojans.

Technically, it wasn't
a Trojan horse but a Greek horse.

Hence the tag
Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes,

which, you'll recall,

is usually and somewhat
inaccurately translated,

"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts,"

or doubtless you would have recalled
had you not attended the LSE.

Greek tags are all very well,
but can we stick to the point?

- Yes...
- Sorry, Greek tags?

"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts."

The EEC equivalent would be,

"Beware of Greeks bearing
an olive oil surplus"!

- Excellent.
- No, the point is, Minister,

just as the Trojan horse
was Greek,

what you call a Greek tag
is, in fact, Latin.

The Greeks wouldn't suggest
bewaring of themselves,

if one can use such a participle,

and it's clearly Latin
not because "Timeo" ends in "o",

as the Greek first person
also ends in "o".

No, there is a Greek word "Timao"
meaning "I honour",

but the "Os" ending is
a nominative singular termination

of a second declension in Greek
and an accusative plural in Latin,

though actually Danaos
is not only the Greek for Greek,

It's also the Latin for Greek.

Yes, I take your point, Humphrey,
but is it really as bad as that?

Minister, perhaps...

Perhaps you will allow me
to prove it to you.

I will arrange
a preliminary conference for you

with three Under-Secretaries
from the Department of Transport,

from the roads, rail
and air transport divisions.

What will that prove?

It may illustrate some problems
you will encounter.

You may be right.

But if I succeed,
this could be my Falkland Islands.

Yes.

And you could be General Galtieri!

With respect,
I feel constrained to point out

the proposal is deeply misguided.

- So what do you suggest?
- It should be government policy

to designate road haulage as its
principal means of freight transport.

If I might crave
your indulgence for a moment,

I think such a policy would be,
not to put too fine a point on it,

unacceptably short-sighted.

Rail transport must surely be
the favoured carrier

under any sane national policy.

With the greatest respect,

both those proposals
are formulae for disaster.

Long-term considerations mandate
the increase of airfreight.

If the minister wants
a massive budget increase...

If the minister accepts a long,
bitter rail strike...

If the minister can tolerate
a massive rise in public discontent...

Hold on!

- We are the government, aren't we?
- Indeed you are, Minister.

- So we're all on the same side.
- Indeed, no question.

Doling what's best for Britain.

Is the end of the airfreight business
best for Britain?

How is Britain served
by the destruction of the railways?

How does Britain benefit from a
deterioration of the road network?

I want to examine policy options for
the government's freight transport needs.

I thought a preliminary discussion,

a few friends around the table,
a few positive suggestions...

- An expansion of rail transport...
- An expansion of motorway construction...

- An expansion of airfreight capacity.
- I need to achieve a reduction in costs.

Then there is only
one possible course.

Indeed there is.

And there's no doubt what it is.

I always like to end
on a note of agreement.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Minister.

Perhaps we could discuss a date
for our next meeting. This way, please.

That was a very frank meeting.

More than frank, Minister.
Frank bordering on direct.

The cleaners will mop up
the blood tomorrow.

Bernard, can you help me?

- How, Minister?
- Under-Secretaries are civil servants.

But they behave like counsel
briefed by the transport interests

to defeat the government.

- That's right.
- No, Bernard, that's wrong.

That's how it works.

Each department is controlled
by the people it's supposed to control.

How do you mean?

Why do we have
comprehensive education?

- Who wanted it? Pupils, parents?
- Not really.

The National Union of Teachers,

the chief client
of the Department of Education,

so the DES went comprehensive.

Departments act
for the powerful interest

with whom they have
a permanent relationship.

The Department of Employment
lobbies for the TUC.

The Department of Industry lobbies
for the employers. it's a nice balance.

Energy lobbies for oil companies,

Defence for the armed forces,
the Home Office for the police.

So the system aims to stop
the Cabinet carrying out its policies?

Well, somebody's got to!

So formulating
a national transport policy

means fighting
not just the transport industry

but the entire Civil Service as well?

Shouldn't the Civil Service help
the government carry out its wishes?

Well, as long as the government's
wishes are practicable.

Meaning?

As long as the Civil Service
agrees with them!

Useful meeting, Minister.

All right, Humphrey.

You win.

- What do I win?
- We must get out of our commitments.

Clearly the title Transport Supremo
is not worth having.

We must change
the Prime Minister's mind.

Is that "we" plural,

or do supremos now use
the royal pronoun?

I mean both of us, Humphrey,

unless you want the DAA
saddled with this.

So, what are you suggesting?

Bernard, find a map
of the PM's constituency.

- Humphrey, I need some advice.
- Yes, Minister?

Could the formulation
of a national transport policy

have unwanted
local repercussions?

Er, yes, indeed, Minister.

Even in a constituency
represented

by a very senior member
of the government,

the most senior member
of the government?

Deeply embarrassing!

Here's the street map
and the directory.

Splendid.

This is the Prime Minister's
constituency, isn't it?

Oh, look, a park!

Near the station.

One requirement
of a transport policy

is to bring bus stations
nearer to railway stations.

But that would mean
building on the park.

Alas, yes.

Somebody has to suffer
in the national interest.

Take a note, Bernard.

Bus station to be moved
into Queen Charlotte's Park.

Oh, Minister,
there's a big bus repair shop.

Isn't it economic to amalgamate
the bus and train repairs?

Absolutely. Big saving.

Bus repair shop
to be closed, Bernard.

This is commuter country,
what about that?

Commuter trains run at a loss.

They're only really used
at rush hours.

So commuters are,
in effect, subsidised.

- Isn't that unfair on the others?
- It's a great injustice.

Commuters to pay
full economic fares, Bernard.

Mind, that'll double
the price of tickets.

Can't make an omelette
without breaking eggs!

There are quite a few
railway stations in this area.

- British Rail and Underground.
- Yes?

One view is that areas
with reasonable rail services

don't need
an evening bus service too.

Avery persuasive view,
to my mind.

All bus services
to cease after 6.30pm.

What about this space

when the bus station's
moved to the park?

Well, the area's very short of parking
space for container lorries...

especially at night.

Container lorry park
on bus station site, Bernard.

Won't that mean widening
this access road?

Yes, indeed.

We'll have to take away the western
half of the swimming baths.

I'm afraid so.

These are just the local implications
of a broad national policy.

Exactly, Minister.

Even so, I ought to write a paper
to the Prime Minister personally.

He'd like to know
the constituency implications.

As a loyal Cabinet member,

I owe that to the PM
amongst other things!

Mind you, it would be awful
if the press got hold of this.

With so many other
boroughs threatened,

there'd be a national outcry.

Is there a danger of them
getting hold of it?

They're very clever
at getting hold of things.

- Especially if there are lots of copies.
- Oh, dear!

I shall have to make copies
for my Cabinet colleagues.

Their own constituencies
will be affected in due course.

And if it were leaked,
with so many copies,

no one would ever discover
who leaked it.

It so happens
I'm having lunch today

with Peter Maxwell of The Times.

Excellent!

Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

You can trust me, Minister!

I'm sure you've heard
rumours, Peter,

of this integrated transport policy.

- That old chestnut coming up again?
- Yes, but in an interesting form.

The policy may have
unwelcome side effects.

Such as?

Job loss from integration
of bus and rail terminals,

job loss from joint repair shops,

job loss from streamlining
of buses and trains,

and reduction of services,
causing job loss.

That's just for starters.

If this is being seriously proposed,
It's quite a story.

- Even more interesting than you think.
- How's that?

One of the areas to suffer most

is the Prime Minister's
own constituency.

Have you any hard facts?

Dear Peter, what a question!

Newspapers
aren't like the government.

If we make statements,
we have to prove them.

Got something in writing?
There always is in the Civil Service.

Only a confidential note
from my minister to the Prime Minister

and a similar note from my minister
to all 22 of his Cabinet colleagues.

Oh, that's all right, then.

Will you show it to me
or shall I get it from one of the others?

Peter, it's a confidential document.

It would be grossly improper of me
to betray it to anyone

- let alone a journalist.
- Of course.

The only way
you'd get hold of a copy

is if someone were to leave it
lying around by mistake.

I see.

Oh, well, back to the grindstone.

Well, nice to talk, Peter.
Thank you for the lunch.

- Thank you.
- Goodbye.

Oh, Humphrey,
you are so careless!

Ah, Jim. Thanks for dropping in.

I thought I ought to tell you
that the PM isn't very pleased.

- Oh, not pleased?
- Not pleased.

- This story in last Tuesday's Times.
- Yes, terrible. I'm not pleased either.

- There's obviously been a leak.
- Obviously.

- Can't even trust Cabinet colleagues.
- What are you suggesting?

Well, it might not have been
one of them.

I sent a copy of my paper here
to No. 10.

You don't think
there's a leak here, do you?

- The PM's office does not leak!
- Of course not. Perish the thought!

It wasn't just the leak
that was disturbing.

It was the misleading
implications of the proposals.

No, not misleading.
Have you read my paper?

Have you read mine?

This is the paper
from the PM's constituency.

I believe it is.

"PM steps in to stop transport
reorganisation proposals.

Rumours that services and jobs
were threatened

in this constituency
were scotched today.

Apparently the PM
has given a firm direction

to Transport Supremo
designate Jim Hacker."

- I haven't heard from the PM.
- You have now!

I'm afraid this leak, wherever
It comes from, is a verbatim report

of a confidential minute
dictated by the PM in Ottawa.

So, the national transport policy
will need some re-thinking!

It will be difficult.

The PM feels it's the difficult jobs
that the ministers are there for,

assuming they wish
to remain as ministers.

Yes, well, of course.

- If it needs, er...
- Rethinking.

Rethinking,
then of course I shall rethink.

Good.

But how did this get into
the PM's own local paper?

I don't know.
But the PM's office does not leak.

Shocking, though, isn't it?
You can't trust anyone nowadays.

Back to square one.
Well, that's all right.

It is not all right.

I'm still stuck
with this ghastly job.

No, Minister, it is excellent news.

We now present our other kind
of non-proposal.

- What other kind?
- The high cost, high staff kind.

We now propose
a British National Transport Authority

with a full structure,
regional board, area council,

local office,
liaison committee, the lot.

80,000 staff,
billion-a-year budget.

The Treasury will have a fit!

The whole thing will go back
to the Department of Transport.

Great. Could you do me
a paper on this, Humphrey,

with full staff and costing details
and a specimen annual budget?

There's a one-page summary
on the front.

- Humphrey, you're marvellous.
- It's nothing, really.

I say, what if the press
should get hold of this!

They'd have to have
another leak enquiry.

Will they really set up
an enquiry

- Bound to.
- Won't that be embarrassing?

No, no, no.
That's what leak enquires are for.

Setting up.
They don't actually conduct them.

Members may be appointed,
but they'll never meet,

and certainly never report.

How many leak enquires
can you recall that named the culprit?

- In round figures.
- If you want it in round figures...

- None.
- They never report.

If the culprit is a civil servant,
It'd be unfair to publish.

Politicians take the rap.

If it's a politician,
you can't publish

or he'll disclose other leaks
by his colleagues.

But chiefly they can't publish

because most leaks
come from No. 10.

The ship of state, Bernard,

is the only ship that leaks
from the top.

So, if the problem is a leaky PM,

as in this case, the facts
are difficult to get at

and impossible
to publish if you do!

May I remind you, a gentleman
from the press is waiting.

- Ah, yes.
- I'll leave you, Minister.

- Oh, er, Humphrey...
- Minister?

Have you got another copy
of these new proposals?

Of course!

- There.
- Because I'm awfully absent-minded.

I'm always leaving documents
lying around...

forgetting where I've put them.

I do understand, Minister!

Another leak.
This is extremely serious.

Yes, indeed.

This is almost approaching
a disciplinary level.

- I so agree, don't you, Humphrey?
- Indeed, Minister.

If only we could find the culprits.

It would be a most serious matter.

Perhaps I can help there.

I think that if I were to use
my influence,

I could achieve
a disclosure from The Times

of how they got hold
of your original plan.

- Oh?
- Really?

- I might be able to help there, too.
- Indeed?

- Are you sure, Minister?
- Oh, yes.

I'm confident I can find out
where the press got the leak

about the PM's opposition
to our plan.

If it transpired the leak came
from the Prime Minister's own office

that'd be even more serious than a leak
from a Cabinet Minister's office.

I mean,
the security implications alone...

Perhaps we should call
in the police or MI5.

MI5, good idea, Minister.

A leak from the Prime Minister's office
is very serious.

Nevertheless, our first priority
must be to investigate the original leak.

Surely we should first investigate
a possible leak from No. 10.

In all events, the inevitable
public outcry after all these leaks

will make it awfully
difficult for us to formulate

an integrated national
transport policy in the DAA.

The time is unripe,
the cellmate is unsuitable.

The atmosphere is unfavourable.

Our only avenues of approach
are now blocked.

I wonder...

If it might not be wiser
to take the whole matter

back to the Department
of Transport?

- That, Arnold, is a brilliant idea.
- I wish I'd thought of that.

- There remains the question of the leaks.
- Indeed.

I feel we ought to treat this
with the utmost gravity.

- I think I have a solution.
- Indeed?

Will we recommend
to the Prime Minister

that we set up
an immediate leak enquiry

Yes, Minister!