All language subtitles for Yes Minister S03E03 - The Skeleton in the Cupboard

Item 7. What is item 7?

Well, if I may just recapitulate...

Sorry, Minister.

You can't actually recapitulate an item
if you haven't started it yet.

Thank you. Where would we be
without you? May I continue?

Recapitulating on our last meeting
and the minutes,

- which you doubtless received...
- Doubtless, yes, yes.

Er... what minutes, Humphrey?

Disciplinary action against
the South Derbyshire local authority.

Ah, yes...
Will you remind me, Bernard?

They failed to complete
their statutory returns

and supply us
with statistical information.

- What'll we do?
- The action we can take?

A rebuke from the minister,

press statement
about their incompetence,

the withholding of grants or ultimately,
as you are fully aware...

Yes, of course.

Good.

I'm fully aware of what?

- What?
- What am I fully aware of?

- I can't think of anything. I mean...
- You said, ultimately, as I am fully...

Ultimately, taking the local authority
to court. Sorry.

Is it that serious?

- Serious? it�s catastrophic!
- Why?

If local authorities
don't send us statistics,

government figures
will be a nonsense.

- They'll be incomplete.
- Government figures are a nonsense.

I think Sir Humphrey
wants to ensure

they're a complete nonsense.

I mean... er...

Why should we make an example
of South Derbyshire?

Do you object because the council�s
controlled by your party?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no. But couldn�t we just...
pick on an opposition council?

- Oh, Minister!
- Is South Derbyshire all that bad?

Terrible!
They won't return their blue forms!

They haven't completed last year's
employment trends questionnaire!

They replied to our ethnic personnel
breakdown request in longhand

on the back
of a departmental circular!

We haven't had their social worker
revised analysis for the last two quarters

or their data-processing
appropriation tables!

They're unbelievable! Really evil!

What, because they won't return
their forms in triplicate?

I don't see how life can go on
in Derbyshire!

Exactly, Minister.

They really are in a class
of their own for incompetence.

- Have they no redeeming features?
- It is fascinating...

If that's all right,
we can take coercive action.

- The minister might like to know...
- You approve?

Yes, it�s a difficult one.
They're friends.

They are no friends
of good administration.

Well, give me 24 hours.

I'll have to square
the party organisation.

Get the chairman invited

to one of those drinky-do's
at Number 10.

Soften the blow.
Right, anything else?

No, I think that seems to be all.

Richard, I need your advice,
if you can spare a moment.

Bernard, I'm not happy about...

disciplining South Derbyshire.

- Why not, Minister?
- Instinct.

Dr Cartwright seemed
to be trying to tell me something.

I think I'll drop in on him.

- I wouldn't do that.
- Why not?

If ministers want to know anything,
it will be brought to their notice.

If they go out looking
for information, they might...

- Find it?
- Yes.

Sir Humphrey does not take kindly
to ministers dropping in on people.

- Gong walkabout, he calls it.
- The Queen does it.

She doesn't drop
in on Under-Secretaries,

not in Sir Humphrey's department.

- What's his room number?
- I must advise you against this.

- Advice noted.
- Room 4017.

Down one flight,
second corridor on the left.

If I'm not back in 48 hours,
send out a search party!

Hello, Graham, it�s Bernard.

Tell Sir Humphrey that
the Minister�s just gone walkabout.

Yes, yes, AWOL.

Well, of course I told him, yes.

I know. I think you'd better
let him know right away.

One... two... three... four... five...

six... seven... eight... nine... ten.

What's all this about?

The minister�s just left the office,
that's all.

That's all? Do you mean
he's loose in the building?

Why didn�t you warn me?

I did advise him,
but he is the minister.

There's no prohibition
against ministers talking to their staff.

- Who's he talking to?
- Perhaps he was just restless.

If the minister�s restless,

he can feed the ducks
in St James's Park!

Yes, Sir Humphrey.

Tell me
who the minister�s talking to.

Well, surely the minister
can talk to anyone.

Bernard... I'm in the middle
of writing your annual report.

Now, it is not a responsibility

that either of us
would wish me to discharge

whilst I am in a bad temper.

Who's the minister talking to?

Perhaps you could help me.

I can see that you should know
if he calls on an outsider.

I fail to see
why you should be informed

if he just wants to,
to take a hypothetical example,

to... check a point with...
Dr Cartwright...

Thank you, Bernard. Must fly.

- Room 4017.
- I know.

Are those things
about South Derbyshire true?

- They may be.
- What are you saying?

I'm saying that South Derbyshire is

the most efficient
local authority in the UK.

I'm meant to tick them off
for being the least.

Look at the figures.

- I thought they didn�t send us any.
- No.

But they keep their own records
perfectly well. I'm gong on those.

They've got the lowest truancy record
in the Midlands.

The lowest admin cost
per council house.

The lowest ratio
of council workers to rate income.

The lowest number
of environmental health officers.

- What are those officers?
- Rat-catchers.

Virtually all children
can read and write,

even though they've had
a progressive education.

They've got
the smallest establishment

of social workers in the UK.

- Is that supposed to be a good thing?
- Oh, yes. Sign of efficiency.

Parkinson�s Law of Social Work,
you see.

Social problems increase to occupy

the number of social workers
available to deal with them.

- And all these figures are Ok?
- Yes, I assure you.

Richard, I wonder if I...

Good heavens, Minister.

- Humphrey, what a coincidence.
- Yes, indeed, what a surprise!

- Yes.
- Yes.

I was just... passing.

- Passing?
- Yes, passing.

Oh, passing.
And where were you gong?

I was just gong... past.

Past the door.
Cartwright�s... Richard�s door.

And I thought..."Hello..."

Did you think anything further?

Yes, I thought, "Why should I pass
the door? Why not open it?"

Good thinking,
that's what doors are for.

Right.

There were some points
I wanted to clear up.

Oh, good, good. What points?

- Just a couple of odd points.
- Couple of odd points.

- How odd?
- Oh... not all that odd.

- We just had a meeting.
- Could I have a word with you?

- Yes, of course, as soon as...
- No, I mean now.

- All right, carry on.
- No, upstairs in your office.

- I'm sure Richard doesn't mind.
- No, upstairs.

I'm sure that Dr Cartwright
can spare you for a few moments.

Thank you, Richard. Minister.

You may go, Bernard.

Minister, what was all that
in aid of?

I have learnt
some interesting facts.

- I hope it does not happen again.
- I beg your pardon?

You cannot speak
to people in the department.

Why not?

How can I advise you
if I don't know what�s said?

I must know what is gong on.

You cannot have
private conversations!

You may be told things
that are not true!

- You can put me right.
- But they may be true!

Not entirely false, but misleading,
open to misinterpretation.

- You're trying to keep things from me.
- Absolutely not, Minister.

Minutes must be taken,
records must be kept.

You won't be here forever,
Nor will we.

in years to come...

If Cartwright
were moved tomorrow,

how could we check information?

- Cartwright won't be moved tomorrow.
- Oh, really?

Alex Andrews from the Mail
to see you.

Ah, hang on.
I'd like you to minute this.

Everything must be minuted,
you know.

Sit down, won't you, Humphrey?

- Now South Derbyshire Council...
- Just a minute.

Yes, that's what I said.
South Derbyshire.

Dr Cartwright said it is the most
efficient council in Britain.

- Inefficient, I think he means.
- Efficient, Humphrey.

Economical, effective.

Just not interested in sending
bits of blue paper to Whitehall.

- But they have to send them.
- Why?

- It is a statutory requirement.
- And if they don't, Britain carries on.

South Derbyshire carries on.

But if they don't send us
the information,

the plans and the requests
for permission,

what are we here for?

Good question.
What are we here for?

To collect information, inspect plans,
and withhold or grant permission.

- And if we didn�t?
- I'm sorry, Minister, I don't understand.

If we weren't here and we didn�t do it,
what then?

I'm sorry, you've lost me.

You're concerned
more with means than ends.

There are no ends in administration,
Minister, except loose ends.

Administration is eternal!

- Forever and ever.
- Amen!

Because there are no ends,
they talk about government circles.

Exactly, Bernard,
which is what we�re gong round in!

I won't discipline South Derbyshire.
I'd look a complete idiot.

I'm sorry, Minister, but it�s your job.

To discipline South Derbyshire.
You have no alternative.

The Treasury
and the Cabinet Office insist.

I cannot agree to this.
Not today, anyhow.

- Tomorrow, then.
- No!

I'm sorry,
you don't seem to understand.

It is not up to you or to me.
It is the law.

- I think you ought to talk to the Mail.
- Very well.

- Thank you, Humphrey.
- Thank you, Minister.

- Bernard. Bernard.
- Yes, Minister?

How did Sir Humphrey know
I was with Dr Cartwright?

God moves in a mysterious way.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear.
Humphrey is not God, Ok?

Will you tell him or shall I?

Now, tell me
how he knew where I was.

Confidentially, everything you tell me
is in complete confidence

so equally,
and I'm sure you appreciate this,

and, by appreciate,
I don't mean appreciate,

I mean understand, that everything
Sir Humphrey tells me

is also in confidence,

as indeed everything I tell you
and everything I tell Sir Humphrey

is in complete confidence.

So?

So, in confidence,
I am confident you understand

that for me to keep
Sir Humphrey's confidence,

conversations between him and me

must be confidential, as confidential
as conversations between you and me

are completely confidential.

- Mr Andrews, Minister.
- Thank you, Bernard.

- Ah, Alex.
- Hello, Jim.

- Sit down.
- Thank you.

- What can I do for you?
- I need your help.

I've come across
a fascinating story.

Do you realise
that your government

is about to hand over
40 million-worth

of housing, building, harbour
installations and an airstrip

to a private developer for nothing?

- 40 million? You're having me on!
- No, Scout's honour.

- Why tell me? I didn�t do it, did I?
- No.

It goes back a long way.

30 years ago, the Ministry of Defence
took out a lease on a Scottish Island.

They put up billets, married quarters,
HQ block, the harbour, the airstrip.

And now the lease has expired,
it reverts to the original owner.

He's opening up a holiday camp.

Yachting marinas,
chalets, staff quarters.

It's all there.
He'll make a fortune.

- He can't do that. The law...
- No, that's English law.

This contract was made
under Scottish law.

Some idiot
didn�t realise the difference.

- We're in the clear.
- Ah, yes.

Even the Mail can't blame you
for a cock-up in the early'50s.

Makes a change.

What do you want from me?
You've got your story.

30 years late.
As quick with the news as ever!

Still, not bad for Fleet Street!

We're running it tomorrow,

but my editor wants me
to do a feature,

find out how it happened,
go through the files.

- Why?
- There could be lessons for today.

We might find out
who is responsible.

Does it matter? It would�ve been
handled by quite a junior official.

30 years ago. Today he could be
in an important position.

He could be a Permanent Secretary
running a great department,

responsible for spending
billons of pounds of public money.

- Pretty unlikely.
- Yes. But can I see the papers?

Of course,
I can't just hand files over.

Didn�t you say
it was a 30-year lease?

You can get them
from the Public Records Office

under the 30-yearrule.

Yes, I thought you'd say that,

but I want a guarantee
that I will get all of them.

- Well, Defence papers...
- Come on, this is not top security.

You made
a manifesto commitment

saying you'd tell voters the facts.
This is a test case.

I want your guarantee

that no papers will be removed
from the file before it�s opened.

I don't see why not.
No skin off my nose.

Is that a promise?

A real promise, not the sort
you put in your manifesto!

The problem with you is you
won't take yes for an answer!

Otherwise we do the feature
about ministers ratting on manifestos.

Is that the lot, Humphrey?

Oh, I'm sorry. That seems to be all,
Minister, thank you.

Incidentally, Humphrey, did you see
that story in the Mail this morning?

- About the Scottish Island scandal.
- I'm not sure.

About some cock-up
somebody made

30 years ago
about the terms of the lease.

I believe I did glance at it.

40 million down the tube!
Somebody really boobed there!

- It didn�t happen in your department?
- Absolutely not.

- I wonder who it was.
- That is something we shall never know.

It'll be on the files.

Everything must be put
in writing, as you always say.

Well... somewhere, no doubt,
but it would take ages to search.

Not worth anyone's time.

You may be wrong.
The Mail want to do a big feature.

As soon as the papers are released
under the 30-yearrule in a few weeks.

I promised them a free run
of all the files.

- Minister!
- It�s all right, isn�t it?

All right?
It most certainly is not all right!

- Why on earth not?
- It�s impossible, it�s unthinkable!

- Why?
- It�s top security!

- A few barracks?
- Secret naval installations!

Anti-submarine systems!
Low-level radar towers!

You don't know that.

That's the sort of thing
those bases have.

- But they'd have been dismantled.
- The papers will have references!

- Ancient history.
- We need to get clearances.

Who from?

Security implications! MI5! MI6!

Foreign powers!
National interests!

Consult our allies! Top brass!
CIA, NATO, SEATO, Moscow!

Moscow?
Are you all right, Humphrey?

Er, no, not Moscow.
I didn�t mean Moscow.

But this information could
seriously damage people still alive.

The people who drew up
this contract ought to be damaged!

Oh, absolutely! No question
of protecting officials! Of course not!

But... responsible ministers...

It's 30 years ago. in any case,
weren't the other lot in office then?

- Well, yes...
- Why are you so concerned?

Oh, I'm not, no, no.
Not me, personally,

but it�s the principle,
the precedent, the policy...

The policy is up to me, Humphrey,
and I've said yes, so it�s done. Ok?

What's the matter with Humphrey?

I haven't done anything wrong,
have I?

There aren't any security
implications, are there?

What's the problem?

- Am I talking to myself?
- No, I'm listening.

Why don't you answer?

I thought your questions
were purely rhetorical.

I see no reason for him
to be so anxious.

Unless...

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- I don't think so, Minister.

I'm not thinking anything, really.

I begin to smell a rat.

Shall I get an environmental
health officer?

How long has Sir Humphrey been
here at Administrative Affairs?

- Since it was founded.
- When was that?

1964. The same time they started
the Department for Economic...

Now I think I'm thinking
what you're thinking.

And what are you thinking?

You're thinking,
where was he before 1964?

It'll be in "Who's Who".

He must've been in another
department and trawled for the DAA.

- What?
- Trawled. Fished, caught in the net.

- Ah, here we are. Oh, my God!
- What?

From 1950 to 1956, he was Assistant
Principal at the Scottish Office.

On secondment
from the War Office.

Regional Contracts Officer.

30 years ago.

So the official...

who chucked away 40 million...

of taxpayers' money was...

How frightful!

- It�s awful, Minister.
- Dreadful.

And all the papers due for release
in a few weeks' time.

Get Humphrey
to come back here at once.

Yes, Minister.

The Minister wonders
if Sir Humphrey could spare time

for a meeting sometime
in the next few days.

- At once.
- In fact, sometime today is really...

- At once!
- Sometime during the next 60 seconds.

- He's coming round now.
- Why? Did he faint?

- No, he's just, you know...
- This is serious, Bernard.

Yes, I know.

- This is no laughing matter.
- No, certainly not.

The question is...

how am I gong to deal with it?

- In my opinion...
- The question was rhetorical.

- You wanted a word, Minister?
- Humphrey, come in, come in.

Sorry, Bernard.

I've been thinking about
this Scottish Island scandal.

- Very worrying.
- Well, I don't know...

You probably don't realise this,

but that official could still be
in the Civil Servlce.

- Very unlikely.
- But why?

He could've been in his mld-20s then,
he'd be in his mld-50s now.

Might even be
a Permanent Secretary!

- I hardly think...
- No, of course, you're right.

Nobody who made a blunder like that
could become a Permanent Secretary.

- Anyway, I want a full investigation.
- We can't find out that sort of thing.

Surely we can.

You said yourself that minutes
are always made, records kept

in the Civil Servlce.

And legal documents
concerning a current contract

wouldn't have been thrown away.

Minister... aren�t we making
a little too much of this?

Possibly blighting
a brilliant career because of a...

tiny slip 30 years ago?

After all, it�s not such
a lot of money wasted.

40 million?

Well, not compared with Blue Streak,

TSR.2, Trident, Concorde,

high-rise council flats,

British Rail,

British Leyland, British Steel,

Upper Clyde Shipbuilders,

the atomic Power Station programme,
comprehensive schools,

the University of Essex.

I take your point, but it�s still more,
a hundred times more,

than this official could ever have
earned in his entire career.

So I want you to look into it
and find out who it was.

Ok?

- Yes, Humphrey?
- There is something you ought to know.

Yes, Humphrey?

The identity of the official
whose alleged responsibility

for this hypothetical oversight,

as being the subject
of recent discussion,

is not shrouded in quite
such impenetrable obscurity

as previous disclosures
led you to assume.

But not to put
too fine a point on it...

the individual in question is,
it may surprise you to learn,

one whom your present
interlocutor...

is in the habit of defining...

by means
of the perpendicular pronoun.

I beg your pardon?

It was... I.

Humphrey!

- No?
- I was under pressure!

We were overworked,
there was panic!

Parliamentary questions tabled.

Obviously I'm not a trained lawyer

or I wouldn't have been
in charge of the Legal Unit!

30 years ago!
Everybody makes mistakes!

Well, Humphrey... I forgive you.

Oh, thank you, Minister.

Why didn�t you tell me
about this before?

We have no secrets
from each other, have we?

- That is for you to say, Minister.
- Well, not entirely.

Anyhow, what are we gong to do?

I'm gong to be roasted

If I don't release
all those papers to the Mail.

I might be able
to do something about it...

If I hadn't got this other worry
on my plate.

What other worry

Being roasted by the press

for disciplining the most efficient
council in Great Britain.

I've been thinking
about South Derbyshire.

- Oh, good.
- Obviously we can't change the law.

Perhaps we might
show them leniency,

a private word
with the Chief Executive.

Give them a chance
to mend their ways.

That might help considerably.

How will I explain the missing
documents to the Mail?

Well, this is what we normally do in...

circumstances like these.

"This file contains
the complete set of papers,

except for a number
of secret documents,

a few others which are part
of still-active files,

some correspondence
lost in the floods of 1967..."

Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?

No, a marvellous winter.

We lost no end
of embarrassing files.

"Records lost
in the move to London,

or when the War Office joined
the Ministry of Defence,

and the withdrawal of papers
that could give grounds for an action

for libel or breach of confidence

or cause embarrassment
to friendly governments."

Well, that's pretty comprehensive.

How many does that normally
leave for them to look at?

How many does it actually leave?

About a hundred? Fifty?

Ten? Five?

Four?

Three? Two?

One?

Zero?

Yes, Minister.