All language subtitles for Yes Minister S02E05 - The Devil You Know

It's absolutely intolerable.

- Yes, Minister.
- Quite so, Minister.

Each separate department about to order
different word-processing equipment,

and I persuaded them to place one
big central order for everyone -

big enough for UK manufacturers
to invest in systems development.

- Yes, Minister.
- I don't have to tell you.

No, Minister.

Months of negotiation and we were
on the eve of a press announcement:

"Hacker's massive investment
in modern technology."

"Jim's vote of confidence
in British industry."

"'Britain can make it, ' says Jim."

Quite so.

And now this directive from
Brussels saying all EEC members

must conform to some niggling
European word-processing standards;

that we have to agree to
the plans of committees

at the forthcoming European
Word-Processing Conference in Brussels.

Well, say something!

- Yes, Minister.
- Quite so.

Is that all?

I'm afraid that's the penalty we
pay for pretending we're Europeans.

I fully understand your
hostility to Europe.

I'm not like you, Humphrey. I'm
pro-Europe, just anti-Brussels.

I sometimes think you're
anti-Europe and pro-Brussels.

I'm neither pro-
nor anti-anything.

I'm merely a humble vessel for
the fruits of your deliberations.

It could be argued that given the
absurdity of the European idea,

that Brussels does its best
to defend the indefensible

- and make the unworkable work.
- That's not true, Humphrey!

Without sounding pompous, we must
avoid narrow national self-interest.

- It doesn't sound pompous...
- Good.

Merely inaccurate.

Listen, humble vessel,

Europe is a community of nations
dedicated towards one goal.

May we share the joke?

Minister, let's look at this objectively.

It's a game played for national
interests. Why did we go into it?

To strengthen the free Western nations.

We went in to screw the French by
splitting them from the Germans.

- Why did the French go in?
- To protect their farmers from competition.

- And the Germans?
- To cleanse themselves of genocide

and apply for re-admission
to the human race.

I've never heard such cynicism!

The small nations didn't
join for selfish reasons.

Really? Luxembourg is in it for the perks.

The EEC capital, all that
foreign money pouring in.

A sensible central location.

With the administration in Brussels
and the Parliament in Strasbourg?

Minister! It's like having the Commons in
Swindon and the Civil Service in Kettering!

Why do other nations try to
get in? Take the Greeks...

I find it difficult to take the Greeks,
open-minded as I am about foreigners.

They'll want an olive
mountain and a retsina lake.

I don't accept this!

I'm sorry. I suppose some of
your best friends are Greeks?

Very droll.

The problem isn't internationalism
but too much bureaucracy.

The bureaucracy is a consequence
of the internationalism.

Why else is there an English Commissioner,

a French Director-General below him,
an Italian Chef-du-Division and so on?

- It's like the Tower of Babel.
- I agree.

- Like the United Nations.
- I agree.

If I may interject? You
are in fact in agreement.

No, we're not.

They say the average Common Market official
has the organising ability of the Italians,

the flexibility of the Germans,
the modesty of the French,

the imagination of the Belgians,
the generosity of the Dutch

and the intelligence of the Irish!

- It's all a gravy train!
- How do you mean?

They live on champagne and caviar.
Chauffer-driven Mercedes, private aeroplanes.

Every official has his snout in the trough,
and most of them their trotters as well!

Oh, I beg to differ. Brussels is
full of hard-working public servants

enduring exhausting travel
and tedious entertainment.

Working their way through smoked
salmon, forcing back all that champagne!

- You're blaming the wrong people.
- What do you mean?

One of your Cabinet colleagues warned
Brussels of your plan for bulk buying,

which is why the directive
appeared so quickly.

Cabinet colleagues? Don't
tell me! Bloody Corbett again!

When I think of Corbett,
I warm to Judas Iscariot!

Yes, it was the Secretary of
State for Trade and Industry.

Treacherous, disloyal, arrogant,
self-opinionated, publicity-seeking creep!

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

Compared to what his Permanent Secretary
says, that's a generous tribute.

- How did he do it?
- Who knows?

The evening paper, Minister.

Whenever Corbett comes near me,
I feel stabbing pains in the back.

Why did you give me this, Bernard?

- Just there.
- Oh, yes.

Good God! Cabinet reshuffle!

"It's rumoured that the PM will
announce important Cabinet changes

"before the end of the present session."

Why didn't I know about this?
How do they know? Is this true?

I'm only a humble civil servant, I
do not move in such exalted circles

as Cabinet Ministers and journalists.

- But is it true?
- Yes.

How do you know?

I mean, it's true that it's rumoured.

A Cabinet reshuffle! I've hardly
started to do the things that I... we...

Perhaps you won't be moved, Minister.

Ah... If I'm not, it means my career
isn't moving forward as it should.

At least it's not moving backwards.

Backwards? You don't
mean...? Good God! But I...

It's not... I mean, it's... I've
been doing all right, haven't I?

- We've done all right?
- You've done all right.

- We've done all right?
- Yes, Minister.

I may not be the outstanding success of
this administration, but I'm not a failure.

- You've done all right.
- I've been quite successful.

If Martin were moved to the Treasury,
I could get the Foreign Office!

Perhaps you might.

- You don't sound very certain.
- I'm not.

- What have you heard?
- Nothing, it's why I'm not certain.

- Why does Bob Carver know?
- Perhaps he has the PM's ear.

- He's in the PM's pocket.
- Then the PM must have a large ear.

Right, well... Let's not
worry about it any more.

- We'll say no more about it.
- Yes, Minister. I mean, no, Minister.

There's no point worrying
about it, is there?

- Nothing to worry about, is there?
- No, Minister.

Shall we attend the Brussels
conference? We should.

But if the PM should move Fred...?

Shall we attend the
conference in Brussels?

- What? -
Word-processing.

Ah! Well, does it take place
before or after the reshuffle?

- Who can say?
- Well, no. I've known this happen before.

One day you're out of your office,
the next you're out of office.

This is no time for an
idiotic foreign junket!

Minister, you mustn't allow the
reshuffle to prey on your mind.

It's not preying on my mind.

- I'm not thinking any more about it.
- Splendid.

Meet me at 6 o'clock in the House
of shuffles... cards... Commons.

- Good evening, Sir Humphrey.
- Good evening, Major.

Arnold, when will we
know about the reshuffle?

A little while yet.

Any news yet about my department?

I'm only Cabinet Secretary, not political
correspondent of the New Standard.

But how does my Minister stand?

I think the PM feels he's done all right.

But there's been an
interesting development.

- Mmm?
- Mmm.

Aahh!

What?

Brussels have asked if he'd be available for
the next commissionership, if he wanted it.

After all, he's a good European.

In strict confidence, of course.

Is he being gently eased out?

Sir Humphrey, Sir Arnold.

There you are, Bernard.

Right. Would you like a coffee, Bernard?

- Thank you.
- Pull up a chair.

Well, Bernard, how do you feel
about having a new Minister?

- You mean, he's...
- No, Sir Humphrey is conjecturing.

Ah, of course, I'd be very sorry.

Er... Why? Wouldn't you?

Of course not!

- But he's getting a grip on the job.
- Exactly!

Ministers with a grip on
the job are a nuisance.

- They argue.
- All Ministers argue.

If they have a grip on the job,
there's a real danger they'll be right.

One tells them something is impossible
and they dig out an old paper

in which one had said it was easy
- very tedious.

Once they've gone, one can wipe the
slate clean and start with a new boy.

Wonderful things, reshuffles.
And Prime Ministers like them too.

Fresh, decisive, keeps
everyone on the hop.

Only Ministers panic about them.

Wouldn't it be interesting
if Ministers were fixed

and Permanent Secretaries
were shuffled around.

That, Bernard, would strike
at the very heart of the system

that has made Britain what she is today.

Power goes with permanence.

- Impermanence is impotence.
- Rotation is castration.

It's time they all had a little spin.

Yes, but surely in a democracy...

Thank you, Bernard, that'll be all.

- Yes, but I've only...
- Thank you, Bernard.

Yes, thank you, Sir Humphrey.

Good night, Sir Arnold.

If your Minister does take Brussels, I
wouldn't get out the champagne too soon.

- What do you mean?
- There is talk of his possible successor.

Who?

I don't know how to put this, but, well...

Basil Corbett.

What's the matter, darling? Jim?

- Jim!
- I'm sorry.

- Something wrong?
- No, nothing, really.

Something is.

The papers are full of a reshuffle.

- Are they true?
- I don't know.

- You're in the Cabinet.
- We're the last to find out.

- Can't you ask the PM?
- Of course not.

- Why not?
- Well... I just can't.

- It would look as if I were insecure.
- I see.

I don't know whether it's good or
bad news, whether I'm up or down.

Or round and round.

I don't know whether
I'm a success or failure.

- What do you think?
- I think you've done all right.

- Is that good enough?
- I don't know.

- I don't know, is it?
- I don't know.

It's difficult to tell. The PM
might think I've been too successful.

You know, a challenge to the leadership.

You?!

No, not me, but Martin with my support.

If the PM is standing
by to repel boarders,

and Martin can't be got rid of safely,

which he can't as Foreign Secretary,
I'm the obvious one for demotion.

- Isolate Martin.
- Where would you be sent?

There's no shortage of useless non-jobs.

Lord President, Lord Privy
Seal... Minister of Sport...

with special responsibility
for droughts and floods.

Maybe you'll get promotion, darling.

Maybe... Don't forget
there's Basil Corbett.

- He's out to get me.
- To get everyone.

He's a smooth-tongued, hard-nosed,
cold-eyed, two-faced creep.

Why's he so successful?

Because he's a
smooth-tongued, hard-nosed,

cold-eyed,
two-faced creep.

- Apart from that?
- He looks OK on TV.

- So do you!
- Do I?

- Yes!
- Really mean that?

- Yes.
- What a nice thing to say!

I've got to elbow
Corbett or he'll elbow me.

Elbows, the most important
weapon in a politician's armoury.

- Other than integrity.
- Integrity?!

Yes?

Who's speaking? Hold on. It's
Gaston Larousse from Brussels.

From Brussels?

Bonsoir, Commissionaire... Commissar...

Si...

That's very interesting.

I shall need a little
time to think about it.

I'm very honoured.

Does Numero Dix know you're
talking to me about this?

Number 10.

Downing Street.

I see... Tell you what, give
me your home telephone number.

Yes...

I'll give you a ring very soon.
Thank you very much, goodbye.

What was that?

- I don't know.
- What do you mean?

They want my name put forward as one
of Britain's commissioners for the EEC.

- What does it mean?
- Living in Brussels.

No, I mean, what does it mean?

Number 10 knows, so is
it a plot to ease me out?

Is it just a coincidence? What
does it mean? Is it a hint?

Is the PM giving me a face-saving exit?

Or was the post coming up anyway?

It's a great honour... in a way.

- Is it a good job?
- Terrible.

It's curtains as far as
British politics is concerned.

It's worse than a peerage.
Absolute failure, total failure.

You're reduced to forming a new
party if ever you want to get back.

What does the job involve?

You're at the heart of that ghastly
Brussels bureaucracy, the gravy train.

50,000 a year salary,
20,000 a year expenses.

Champagne, lobsters, foreign
travel, luxury hotel...

private limousines, private aircraft...

siestas in the afternoon...

long weekends at
Knocke-le-Zoute...

- We should go over and have a look.
- Why not?

Sometimes we deserve a bit of failure.

Going to be a reshuffle, sir?

Yes, I suppose you saw
that in the Standard.

- Yes, sir.
- So did I, actually.

I first heard it a
couple of weeks ago, sir.

- Did you?
- Yes, sir.

So did I, really. Where did you hear it?

- All the drivers knew.
- How?

From the PM's driver.

- The Cabinet Secretary's driver.
- Oh, yes.

- What else did they hear?
- Just the usual.

Corbett's in line for
promotion, PM can't overlook him.

Apparently, old Fred - the
Employment Secretary, sorry, sir -

he's going to get kicked upstairs.

- How do they know?
- His driver's been re-assigned.

What's the gossip about me?

Well, nothing really, sir.

- Nothing?
- No.

We don't know what to make of that.

- You'll know, won't you, sir?
- Yes, of course.

Sometimes it's difficult
to know about oneself.

You, know, just how successful...

What do your mates say... about...?

They all think you've done all right, sir.

- I'm in a bit of a quandary.
- Can I help, Minister?

It's this reshuffle that's on the cards.

That's very witty, Minister!

I'm sorry, I thought you were
making a... Do please carry on.

To complicate matters, I've been
asked to be an EEC Commissioner.

- Very nice.
- Is it nice, Bernard?

Bernard, tell me, quite frankly...

as Minister here, do you
think I've done all right?

You've done all right.

Humphrey's blocked me on so many issues.

He's never really been on my side.

To be honest, "all right"
isn't really good enough, is it?

Well, it's... all right.

Have you... er... heard
anything... on the grapevine?

About you?

Nothing really, Minister, no.

Only that the British Commissioner
in Europe sent a telegram

to the FCO and the Cabinet
Committee on Europe.

The idea for you to be a
Commissioner came from Brussels,

but it is a Prime Ministerial appointment.

The PM discussed it with the Foreign
Secretary and the Cabinet Secretary

and cleared the way for
you to be sounded out.

As it's believed at Number 10 and
Number 11 that you might accept,

a colleague has been sounded
outabout becoming Minister here.

I'm afraid that's all I know.

No more than that?

Which colleague has been
sounded out to take my place?

Bernard, if I were not to go to Europe...

No, if I did go... No, if
I were not to go to Europe,

would I go up or down?

Time for your meeting with
Sir Humphrey, Minister.

- Yes, fine.
- What's it about?

The visit to the
word-processing conference.

The word-processing conference?

Humphrey, you'll be pleased to
hear that I've changed my mind,

I shall be going to Brussels after all.

You're resigning from the Department?!

No, I'm talking about this
word-processing conference.

- I see.
- I would like to see Brussels.

- Why?
- Why not?

Why not, indeed, but why?

- I'm a curious person.
- You certainly are.

I've been a little hasty.

Your arguments on behalf of
Brussels were thoroughly convincing.

Minister, I've been
reflecting on your views,

and I find wisdom in your
criticism of Brussels.

- You implied it is corrupt and...
- No, no, no.

- Minister, please...
- No, Humphrey.

It is you who have convinced me.

I'm now convinced that Brussels
is full of dedicated men,

all bearing a heavy burden
of travel and entertainment.

They need all that luxury.

The odd drinky!

Caviar and champagne, private
planes, air-conditioned Mercedes?

It oils the diplomatic wheels.

Snouts in the trough.

- That's not an attractive phrase.
- I'm sorry. I can't think where I picked it up!

We'll all go to this conference, agreed?

- Is your change of heart due to my arguments?
- Of course.

It's nothing to do with the rumour of
you being offered a post in Brussels?

That thought is not worthy of you.

There is such a thing as integrity.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Corbett! You can't let
someone like Corbett...

You simply cann't let someone like
Corbett loose in your department.

It will be disastrous.
I mean everything one says to Corbett...

appears in the Sun the next morning.

Glad to know you read the Sun.

You must stop it, Arnold, I implore you.

I'm not the Prime Minister.

It is really you who
arranges the reshuffles.

No, if there's an
appointment the PM is set on,

the Cabinet Secretary
must reluctantly acquiesce.

You do keep your hand on the tiller.

If Hacker decides to turn down Brussels,

it would be easier to keep
Corbett away from your department.

This is the trouble, he'll take Brussels.

- Oh.
- Yes, I know.

He says he believes in the European ideal.

Yes, I know, I know.

Politicians get taken
in by their own speeches.

This is partly your fault. You've
blocked Hacker time and again.

Only in the interests of
good government, Arnold.

Quite. But what you need is for Hacker to
have a big success in the next few days.

- A big success?
- Yes.

The next few days?

That would give me, give the PM,
a good case for keeping him here.

Then, we might be able to
move Corbett to Employment.

Is Fred definitely going?

Yes, he keeps falling asleep in Cabinet.

I thought they all did.

Yes, but not while
they're actually talking.

- Ah, Humphrey! Any news?
- Of what, Minister?

- The Cabinet reshuffle.
- No.

Didn't you have lunch
with the Cabinet Secretary?

- Yes.
- What came up?

Nothing as yet!

All I know is the reshuffle
will be announced on Monday.

- Have you any news?
- Of what?

The Commissionship. Are
you going to Brussels?

Well...

Speaking with my Parliamentary hat on,
I don't think it would be a good idea.

With my Cabinet hat on,
it would be a good idea.

Again, with my party hat on, there
could be arguments on both sides.

Which hat are you talking through now?

- Have you decided about going to Brussels?
- Yes and no.

- What are the pros and cons, Minister?
- I don't know.

I haven't said this before,

but it depends on whether I've
done all right. What do you think?

You've done all right.

If I've done all right, that's all right,

I shall stay because I'll be all right.

But if I've only done all right,
to stay would be wrong, right?

Minister, to be on the safe
side, you need a big success.

- Yes.
- A triumph, in fact.

You need some personal publicity
for some great political achievement.

- What have you in mind?
- I'm trying to think of something.

Thank you, that's a great
help. What's the purpose?

Something did come up at lunch.

Sir Arnold feels that with this triumph,

the PM couldn't move you downwards,

and Bernard and I might have the good
fortune of you staying on with us.

So there's no chance of moving up?

Ooh...

Sadly, Minister, alas.

- One must be a realist.
- Oh, well.

That's it, it's got to be Brussels.

No, wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Supposing you ignore the EEC.

Publish your own plans for
word-processing machines...

with big orders for
British manufacturers...

starting immediately. Tomorrow.

Certainly before Monday.

Involving more jobs, more investment.

- More export orders.
- More votes.

Yes, when the time comes.

- We can't defy an EEC directive.
- It isn't a directive.

It hasn't been ratified,
it's merely a request.

We can't stab our partners in
the back and spit in their face.

You can't stab anyone in the
back while spitting in their face.

On the other hand, defying
Brussels would be...

Very popular!

And prove I had elbows.

What?

Elbows, elbows!

- But...
- But what?

I'd have to give up all that...

- Trough.
- Right.

When it comes down to it, one's
own country must come first.

How true.

And, although, strictly, this
isn't a Government matter,

I, personally, would be
deeply sorry to lose you.

Really, Humphrey, is that true?

Yes, I mean that,
Minister, most sincerely.

I suppose we have got fond of one another.

- In a way.
- In a way, yes.

Like a terrorist and his hostage.

Which is the terrorist?

He is!

Right, OK, Bernard, that's the decision.

Inform the press!

Tell me, Humphrey, who would have got
my position if I'd gone to Brussels?

I don't know...

Didn't you tell me it was Basil Corbett?

Basil Corbett?!

I see, Basil Corbett.

Yes, Minister.