All language subtitles for Yes Minister S02E03 - The Death List

Minister, there's something
in the press you should see.

- About me?
- I'm afraid it's in Private Eye.

- Private Eye?
- Yes... They're exposing something.

Not that character reference
I gave for Dr Savundra?

- That party at Poulson's?
- I didn't know about those.

No, that's the thing they make
up in that squalid little rag!

- What is it?
- Perhaps you'd better read it.

- Good God!
- Frightful, isn't it?

- May I come in, Minister?
- Listen to this.

What's that? Oh, Private Eye? Splendid!

"The saga of the top
secret Guthrie Report,

"revealed to the Eye last week,
continues to embarrass Ministers.

"It seems one of the present
Cabinet subjected to phone-tapping,

"bugging and 24-hour
surveillance while in opposition

"was none other than the
egregious Jim Hacker."

What's "egregious" mean?

I think it means "outstanding".

Oh...?

In one way or another.

"Jim Hacker, whose department
administers 23,000 other administrators.

"Ironically, it is egregious Jim's
department that is now responsible

"for supplying all the government's
computerised bugging equipment.

"Presumably, this makes him
the government's chief bugger."

Wonderful!

- Is this true?
- Which, Minister?

That I was under surveillance and
am now responsible for bugging.

Surely, you don't believe what you
read in that squalid little rag.

- Never mind. Is it true?
- Don't take it too seriously.

Well, I do! This says I was
under total surveillance.

An MP and free citizen! It cuts
at the very heart of democracy!

It contravenes human rights.

Oh, yes...

Surveillance is indispensable in
the battle against organised crime.

You're not describing
politicians as organised crime?

Disorganised crime, too, of course!

Humphrey! I once wrote a leader
on this as editor of "Reform"

and started a nationwide petition
against bureaucratic busybodies,

bugging and phone-tapping.

Now I learn from Private
Eye, Humphrey, not from you,

that I'm responsible for
it, and you never told me.

You didn't ask.

Thank God for a free press and
for one open, fearless journal!

- You said it was a squalid rag.
- Sharpen up your antennae.

Learn to adapt more flexibly
to a developing situation.

I see. I'm sorry.

Where are the transcripts of
these bugged conversations?

They were put into a report.

- Who got these reports?
- The Home Secretary gets them.

Gets them? Gets them?

Not about you, Minister. Not now.

Now he'll be getting reports
about Her Majesty's opposition.

- Who gives them to him?
- Ml5, presumably.

- You seem very calm about all this.
- Yes, Minister.

I think it's horrifying,
a distinguished citizen -

if I may say so, an extremely
distinguished British citizen -

who's given his life's
service to his country,

finds these faceless bureaucrats
have listened to his every word.

All his phone calls. His rows
with his wife and daughter.

His private arrangements with
his accountant! Not that I...!

- No, quite so.
- Well, why, Humphrey?

- Why surveillance or why you?
- Both!

- It's the same answer.
- Why split it into two questions?

I didn't want to risk answering
a question you weren't asking.

I'm asking you now. Why
was I under surveillance?

It's perfectly obvious. Do you mind?

Before the election, it was rumoured
you'd be appointed Defence Secretary.

So?

If the PM was giving you
defence, in the national interest,

that Ml5 must be satisfied
you weren't a security risk.

- My privacy was invaded!
- Better than your country, Minister.

Have you ever been under surveillance?

- Me, Minister?!
- You.

I'm a civil servant!

So were Burgess and MacLean.

- Oh, well...
- And Philby!

They weren't Permanent Secretaries.

One becomes a Permanent Secretary after
a life of reliability and integrity.

The rigorous selection
procedures winnow out all

but the most upright and
honourable public servants.

- And what about Ministers?
- They have many dazzling qualities!

Including...?

Enviable intellectual suppleness
and moral manoeuvrability.

What are you trying to say?

You can't trust them! Not
you, of course, Minister.

Ministers, unlike civil
servants, are selected at random

by prime ministerial whim,

in recognition of
dubious services rendered,

or to avoid appointing
someone of real ability.

Not you, Minister! You
certainly are to be trusted.

You might almost be a
civil servant yourself!

- Is that a compliment?
- Indeed. The ultimate compliment.

Would you trust every Cabinet colleague

never to betray a confidence?

- And all the opposition front bench?
- You must be joking!

You were in the opposition at the time.

Be that as it may, I have
decided I'm going to stop it.

- But this is a Home Office matter.
- Nevertheless, I'll make it harder.

If I'm responsible for bugging,
I want some democratic safeguards.

Are you about to suggest that people
won't be put under surveillance

until they've signed
a form agreeing to it?

No, we'll have a select committee
to vet every application,

and no surveillance to last over two
weeks without a further application.

Will you set the wheels in
motion, please, Humphrey?

Very well, Minister.

Bernard, send a minute
to each Cabinet member.

I'll plant a question
for a backbencher to ask.

"Can you assure us no colleagues
have ever been under surveillance?"

- That should shake him.
- It certainly will.

Ask Walter Fowler of the
Express to meet me for a drink.

- What for, Minister?
- First law of political indiscretion:

Always have a drink before you leak.

- Will it make a story?
- Yes.

"Minister fights for
phone-tap safeguard." Yes!

- Where will they run it?
- High up on the home news page.

- Not on page one?
- Can I attribute it?

- "Minister speaks out"?
- No, no, no.

Then, where did I get the story? I
can't say, "Officially announced."

"Government spokesman"?

How about, "Sources close to Minister"?

Hold on, I don't want
everybody to know I told you!

Couldn't you do, "Speculation
is growing in Westminster"?

A bit weak.

"Unofficial spokesman"?

Used that twice this week already!

The Cabinet's leaking
like a sieve, isn't it?

Couldn't we attribute it to a leading
member of the sieve... Cabinet?

No...

How would you like to
be "an informed source"?

OK. "Informed source."

Quite a joke, isn't it,
describing someone as "informed"

when his Permanent Secretary
is Sir Humphrey Appleby?!

Everything we said on the
phone, recorded and transcribed.

- It's humiliating!
- It is a little humiliating.

That Ml5 know you talk at home
the same as you talk in public.

The gross national product, borrowing
requirements, draft agendas...

I didn't mean that! I
meant our private talk.

I hadn't thought of
that... "Got the car keys?"

"I thought you had them!"
That'll bring the government down!

- You're not taking it seriously.
- What gives you that idea?

They might've heard
what we said... in bed!

Why? Do you snore in code?

- You trying to tell me something?
- Since you ask,

why don't we go away for
the weekend like we used to?

Yes. Why not? What the hell!

- Let's go to Kingsbury Down.
- Where?

Only where we spent
our honeymoon, darling!

Yes...

Where you first explained to me

the effect of velocity of circulation
on the net growth of money supply.

Yeah... I remember.

Did you get that, boys?

The Minister... on a death list?

Well, who are the
International Freedom Army?

- We do not, as yet, know.
- Why assassinate the Minister?

He's so harmless!

Nevertheless, we cannot
risk the Minister's life.

- No. That means the full...?
- Quite!

- Morning, Minister!
- Morning, Minister, how are you?

- Sorry I'm late. Didn't sleep well.
- Sorry to hear that.

Actually, I feel like death.

Perhaps that's just as well.

- See this morning's Express?
- Indeed.

- "Minister acts to curb phone taps."
- Wonder where they got that.

A leak, I suppose. Terrible, isn't it?

Terrible.

It only reaffirms my determination to act.

Are you sure you've considered
all the implications?

Yes. Free citizens
have a right to privacy.

But suppose Ml5 had reason to
believe these free citizens were,

to take a purely hypothetical example,

planning to assassinate a Minister?

The freedom of the British people
is worth more than a Minister's life.

Freedom is indivisible.

Ministers are expendable.

A man in public life must expect to
be the target of cranks and fanatics.

It is a Minister's duty
to set his life at naught.

He must be able to stand up and
say, "Here I am! Do your worst!"

And not cower in craven terror

behind electronic equipment,

secret microphones

and all the hideous
apparatus... of the police state.

- Ahem...
- I don't want to hear about it.

I must say one more thing on this matter.

Very well. Be brief.

Special Branch have found
your name on a death list.

That has no bearing on the situation.

What?!

Special Branch have found
your name on a death list.

- A death list...?
- An assassination.

I know what you mean by death
list, but what do you mean?

I don't think I can put it
any more clearly, Minister.

To put it absolutely bluntly,

investigations have proved
the existence of documents

whose provenance is unestablished

but whose effect would be to
precipitate a bye-election.

What do you mean?

You're on a death list, Minister.

Who and why?

The International Freedom Army,
a new urban guerrilla group.

- What've they got against me?
- As you may recall,

there have been rumours
of a Cabinet reshuffle,

and your name was linked
with the Ministry of Defence.

- Who can they be?
- An Irish splinter group?

Baader-Meinhof, PLO or Black
September or home-grown loonies!

Anarchists, Maoists, Libyans,

Iranians or the Italian Red
Brigade, for all we know.

But they're all connected, so it could
be a new group of freelance killers.

Special Branch don't know where to start.

- The list isn't just me?
- Not just you, Minister.

- There must be hundreds on...
- Just three.

Just three.

Yes? Commander Forest of Special Branch.

- Shall I...?
- Please do.

The Home Secretary wants
detectives to protect you.

- This man will inform you.
- Detectives?!

They can't protect you
against the assassin's bullet!

Certainly not, but they can determine
the assassin is brought to trial.

After the victim has been
gunned down, of course.

Commander Forest of Special Branch.

- Morning, Commander.
- Morning, sir.

- Sit down.
- Thank you.

You've been told about this list, sir?

List? What list? Oh, list, yes.

I'll brief you on the standard
hazards and precautions.

- Thank you, Bernard.
- Do I have to take it seriously?

In a sense, that's up to you. We advise...

Most people might be in a frightful
funk, but it's all in a day's work!

- I admire your courage, sir.
- Thank you.

Right, well...

Shoot. I mean...!

Assassination hazards
fall into four categories:

Bullets, bombs, poisons
and so-called accidents.

There's also gassing,
throttling, stabbing, drowning,

garrotting and ritual disembowelling,
but they are uncommon in the UK.

- All right, then.
- Start with bullets.

There's your assassin on a
tall building or in a car,

your killer in a crowd and phut!

There's the unexpected house
caller, your marksman in a van,

and the revolver through your car window.

So avoid crowds and
keep away from windows.

Commander, could I suggest
bullet-proof curtains for the office?

- Bullet-proof!
- By lunchtime, sir.

We'll fit them in your London
flat when we do the place over.

- Do it over?
- The usual locks, security alarms.

24-hour patrols by
local staff, phone taps.

Just the usual?!

You'll have bodyguards round the clock.

Never answer your door in person
and keep car windows locked.

Never draw up by the pavement at lights.

You don't want a terrorist to jump in!

- No.
- Course not!

If he draws his car in front of
yours, ram the axle and sweep it aside,

Bombs! Car bombs you know,
but never open letters.

For the time being, we'll re-direct them.

Now, poisons... Be suspicious
of gifts of food, chocolates.

Check the milk bottle caps every
morning for hypodermic holes.

Don't forget the poisoned
umbrella jabbed into the calf.

Now... accidents.

Never walk along the edge of
pavements, rivers, railway platforms.

We don't want to make
it too easy for them.

Especially the electric railway
- so avoid the Tube.

Electrocution... another favourite.

A little tinkering with the telly, toaster,
electric blanket and Bob's your uncle!

Your late uncle.

They have to be checked. Any questions?

Good! Here's your list of
standard safety precautions.

- I'll be in touch.
- Thank you, Commander.

If you're pushed out of a
window with railings underneath,

try and land on your head.

Quicker!

Humphrey... how do we find these
terrorists before they find me?

Phone tapping and surveillance
of suspects is the best way,

but it does incur intolerable
intrusion on individual privacy.

On the other hand...

the people's representatives
must represent the people.

Any threat to them is a threat
against democracy, isn't it?

How?

These threats constitute

an attack on the people's
inalienable democratic right

to have leaders of their choice, who
must be protected by every possible means,

no matter how much we might
regret the necessity for doing so.

Beautifully argued,
Minister. My view exactly.

Or else you're a dead duck.

Good God! What's that?

- The petition's arrived.
- Petition?

Against phone tapping and surveillance.

The one you started in opposition.
2.25 million signatures.

But we need surveillance!

It's an essential weapon in
our fight against crime, right?

I couldn't have put it better myself.

- I see. Shall I file it?
- Shred it! No one must find it.

In that case, I think it's best I file it.

Great way to spend a second honeymoon!

Table for...?

- Eight!
- Two.

I've a nice table by the window.

- We've chosen the target's table.
- Target?

Sorry, Minister. Over
there by the kitchen door.

You sit here, sir.

Constable Ross will be watching
the kitchen door, your escape route.

We're not expecting assassins here,
since we only booked this morning.

I'll sit by the window. If you
hear gunshots, get under the table.

I'm not really worried.

It was just a champagne cork, darling.

Just practising.

I'll have spaghetti bolognaise,

then T-bone steak, peas,
beans, cauliflower and chips,

and a bottle of Ch�teau Baron
Philippe de Rothschild 1961.

Takes it out of you, this job.

- Beautiful, isn't it?
- Beautiful.

Quiet and peaceful.

Lovely to get away from it all.

Lovely.

- This all right for you?
- Lovely.

Not James Bond? I thought
it was "Belle du Jour".

Yes, but they didn't want
to see a foreign film.

I can't stand this.

- Target in there now?
- Yeah, with his wife.

- They going out again?
- Nah, turned in for the night.

They don't seem to be
enjoying the holiday.

Wonder why...?

I can't sleep here.

I'm going home.

What the hell's all this?

Local force, sir,
showing they're doing their bit.

Come in. Oh, you're in!

- May I just check the windows?
- Go ahead.

Thank you. Goodnight, sir.

Sleep well.

Don't worry, darling. You'll get
used to being a famous man's wife.

I hope so.

I don't want to be a famous man's widow!

But... I don't follow.

You want to stop phone tapping,

you get this petition of 2.25
million signatures to boost your case,

and you won't even give me a
quote saying you welcome it.

A promise to implement
its recommendations?

- It's not that simple.
- Why not?

- There are security implications.
- There always were.

OK, I'll make an even bigger story:
"Minister rejects his own petition."

Now, hold on! I...

Are you accepting it or rejecting it?

No.

My editor asks if being on this death list
has altered your views on phone tapping.

Heavens! What an extraordinary idea!

- So why this change of tune?
- No change of tune.

- Can Sir Humphrey see you?
- Humphrey! What can I do for you?

- Excuse us.
- Won't be a minute.

I'll wait out there.

Good weekend?

Marvellous. Me, Annie and
half of Special Branch.

- Rozzers with guns. Unforgettable!
- The burdens of office!

- This can't go on.
- You said it! It isn't going to.

Special Branch is
withdrawing your protection.

Wait a minute! I didn't mean... Why?

They've suffered an acute
personnel establishment shortfall.

- They're what?
- Short-staffed. No more protection.

Short-staffed?!

There's a more dangerous threat
to the Soviet premier at Chequers.

- But he's Russian, I'm British!
- In fact,

Special Branch believe the threat
to your life has diminished.

How do they know?

Surveillance of a conversation.

- What did it say?
- It's of no...

I've a right to know.

Well, it was to the effect that,

in view of the nebulous and
inexplicit nature of your remit,

the arguably marginal and peripheral
nature of your influence on decisions

within the political process,

there could be a case for
restructuring their action priorities

so as to eliminate your liquidation
from their immediate agenda.

They said that?

That was the gist of it.

What's it mean in English?

Well, it means that they don't
think you're really important enough

for it to be worth assassinating you.

Oh!

- I don't agree, of course.
- You mean...?

What?

- They should assassinate me?
- No, no, no!

- I'm not important enough?
- No, no...

I mean you are important enough,

but they shouldn't assassinate you anyway.

That's marvellous. Not
that I was ever worried.

Mr Fowler's waiting.

Yes, bring him in.

Have we still got that
petition? If so, show Mr Fowler.

- The petition? But you said...
- Yes, I did, but bring it in.

- Antennae, Bernard.
- Yes! Yes, indeed.

- The petition you were pleased...?
- That's right.

God!

- The paper must have an answer.
- Of course.

I want you to know I
welcome this petition warmly!

It's not just the sort of thing
you can sweep under the carpet.

As for death lists, well,
Ministers are dispensable,

but freedom is indivisible,
right, Humphrey?

Yes, Minister.