All language subtitles for Yes Minister S01E02 - The Official Visit

"Notwithstanding the provisions
of subsection 3, section A,

clause 214 of the Administrative
Procedures Scotland Act 1978,

insofar as the implementation of
the statutory provisions is concerned,

the resolution of anomalies
as between departments

shall fall within the purview of
the Minister for Administrative Affairs".

What does it mean?

- I'm sorry?
- What does it mean?

Oh, er, well, Minister,

it means "notwithstanding
the provisions of..."

I've just read it to you.
What does it mean?

What it says, Minister.
May I remind you,

you are seeing a deputation
from the TUC in 15 minutes,

from the CBI after that,
and from the NEB at 12 noon.

What do they all want?

- They're all worried about machinery.
- Machinery?

Yes, for inflation,
deflation and reflation.

What do they think I am,

a Minister of the Crown
Or a bicycle pump?

When am I going to do
all this correspondence?

You do realise
you don't actually have to.

- Don't I?
- We can draft an official reply.

What's that?

"The Minister thanks you
for the letter".

Then we say:
"The matter is under consideration".

Or even, if we feel so inclined,
"under active consideration".

What's the difference?

"Under consideration"
means we've lost the file,

"Under active consideration"
means we're trying to find it.

You just transfer all the letters
to your Out Tray,

put a note if you wish
to see the reply

and if you don't,
you never see it again.

If I transfer everything from here
to here, without even reading it,

- that's all I have to do?
- Yes.

- It will be dealt with?
- Precisely.

- Properly?
- Immaculately.

What's the Minister
here for then?

Er... to make policy decisions,
Minister.

When you've decided the policy,
we can carry it out.

How often are
policy decisions needed?

From time to time.

Bernard, this government
is here to govern.

Not merely preside
like our predecessors did.

When a country is going
downhill, it's time for someone

to get into the driving seat,
put his foot on the accelerator.

I think you mean the brake.

- Ah, Humphrey.
- A moment of your time, Minister.

"The official visit to the UK
of the President of Buranda".

Where's Buranda?

- Africa.
- I've never heard of it.

Yes, it's fairly new, Minister.

It used to be called
British Equatorial Africa.

It's the red bit on the left hand
side, below the Mediterranean.

Oh, there!
But why's this come to us?

- This is for the Foreign Office.
- There are administrative problems.

Her Majesty's due
to be up at Balmoral,

so she'll have
to come to London.

State visits are arranged
years in advance.

This isn't a state visit,
it's a Head of Government visit.

The President of Buranda
is Head of State.

But he's also
Head of Government.

But if he's coming
as Head of Government,

why does the Queen
have to see him?

Because she's
the Head of State, Minister.

The Head of State
must greet a Head of State,

even if he's not here
as Head of State.

It's all a matter of hats.

- Hats?
- Yes.

He's coming wearing
his Head of Government hat.

He is the Head of State,

but he's not wearing
his Head of State hat,

but even though he's wearing
his Head of Government hat,

he must still be met by the Crown.

Why are we having
an official visit from

this tin pot little African country?

I beg of you not to refer to it
as a tin pot little African country.

- It's an L.D.C.
- What?

Buranda is
an Under- developed Country.

However, this term
was regarded as offensive...

so they became known
as Developing Countries

and then as Less Developed
Countries or L.D.C.'s.

We are now ready to replace
the term L.D.C. With H.R.R.C.

What's that?

- Human Resource Rich Countries.
- Which means?

They're grossly overpopulated
and begging for money.

And Buranda is an H.R.R.C?

No, Minister.

Is it one of the "have"
or "have not" nations?

We don't use that term
any longer.

But if we did, Buranda would be
a "will have" nation.

Will have a huge amount of oil
in a couple of years from now.

Oh, I see.

Why didn't you say so at first?

- It's not a T.P.L.A.C. At all.
- T.P.L.A.C?

Tin Pot Little African Country.

No, Minister.

Oil.
I've got a marvellous idea.

The Queen doesn't have
to come down from Balmoral.

Are you proposing
that they should exchange

official greetings
over the telephone?

No. No. No. No.

You'd like them
to shout rather loudly?

No. The visit shall take place
in Scotland.

- At Holyrood Palace.
- Out of the question.

- Why?
- It's not our decision.

- It's a Foreign Office matter.
- I don't think so.

"Notwithstanding the provisions
of subsection 3 blah blah...

it is proposed blah...

the resolution of anomalies
shall fall within the purview

of the Minister
for Administrative Affairs.

It's brilliant.

We save the Queen
a pointless journey,

and there are three Scottish
by-elections coming up soon.

We'll hold them after the visit.

We do not hold
Head of Government visits

for party political reasons,
but for reasons of State.

My plan shows that Scotland
is an equal partner in the UK.

She is Queen of Scotland too.

And it is full of marginal constit...
depressed areas.

I hardly think that we can exploit
our Sovereign

by involving her
in what some might call

a squalid vote grubbing exercise.

- You want a better reason, right?
- Indeed we do.

Then tell me why he's coming.

For exchange of views
on matters of mutual interest.

- Now tell me why he's coming.
- Off shore drilling equipment.

We're hoping he's going to place
a huge order with us.

And where is he going to see
all this offshore equipment?

Aberdeen. Clydeside.

How many oil rigs
have you got in Haslemere?

- But the administrative problems
- That's why we are here.

- But Scotland's so remote...
- Not all that remote.

It's that pink bit about
two feet above Potter's Bar.

Very droll, Minister.

So, it's going to be Scotland.

That is my policy decision.

That's what I'm here for,
right Bernard?

Right Humphrey?
Good, thank you.

What's he got against the idea?

Sir Humphrey likes going
to Foreign Embassies,

with his white tie, tails, medals.

It will all be on a much smaller
scale in Scotland.

No room for Humphrey?

Only for the Permanent
Secretary there.

Has Sir Humphrey got lots of um...?

Yes one or two, Minister.

And he's been recommended
for the K.B.E.

How do you know?

I thought honours were
a closely guarded secret.

- More coffee, Jumbo?
- Thank you, Humpy.

Any luck with the Foreign Secretary
about this Scottish nonsense?

"Fraid not. Can't budge him.
Your Minister nobbled him first.

No chance of getting it
back to London?

No, I'm afraid the Cabinet
are utterly united.

All these marginal seats,
d'you see?

Shameful.

- Political.
- Typical.

Inevitable.

And so blatant.

Issuing writs for three Scottish
by-elections to poll

on the day after the visit.

Can you imagine Harold MacMillan
doing a thing like that?

Yes.

Yes, so can I, actually.

Now, about the arrangements
for Scotland.

The reception I mean.
Do we know who's going?

Yes. I'm afraid the Burandan
Consulate in Edinburgh

is rather a hutch.

I shall have to carry the flag
for the Civil Service all by myself.

Oh really?

Well, you have my sympathy.

God knows what they'll be serving up
for the Scots and Burandans.

Haggis in missionary sauce,
I shouldn't wonder.

Actually, between ourselves,
the visit will probably never happen.

- Never happen? Why?
- Rumblings in the interior.

Oh dear...
Oh, I see what you mean.

- From our man in Mungo ville.
- Isn't that rather serious?

Buranda's a friendly country
with a Commonwealth connection.

Our information is it's likely
to turn into a hostile L.D.C.

With a Cuban connection.

- What will the Government do?
- The same as always...

Damn all!

We are just getting reports
of a coup d'etat in Buranda,

the West African State, formerly
British Equatorial Africa.

It is reported that
the Commander in Chief

Colonel Selim Mohammed
has been declared President.

It is not known what's happened
to President Alam,

who was due to pay an official visit
to Britain next week.

There is still no sign
of agreement...

Did you see that?
Get me the Foreign Secretary.

Shall we scramble?

No, it's not secret,
it's on the news.

Martin.

- What's all this about Buranda?
- What's all what?

There's been a coup d'etat.

How do you know?

It was on the news.
Didn't you see?

You're Foreign Secretary!

My TV set's on the blink.

Your TV set?
Don't you get telegrams?

No, they come in later.
I get all the foreign news from TV.

You're joking... aren't you?

No.

We've got to make sure
this official visit still happens.

How can we?
Who's the new President?

We must find out.
And make sure he comes.

- There are three by-elections.
- I know that.

Let me know if you hear...

No, you let me know.
You're the one with the telly.

- You've heard the sad news?
- Yes, disaster.

No. No. No.
No, just a slight inconvenience.

The wheels are in motion,
it's really simple

to cancel the arrangements
for the visit.

- You'll do no such thing.
- We have no choice.

We are reissuing the invitation
for the new President.

But, we haven't recognised
his government.

The wheels are in motion.

- But who is he?
- Mohammed something.

We know nothing about him.
What's he like?

We're not putting him up
for the Athenaeum.

Minister.

Buranda is in total confusion.

We don't know
who is behind him.

Whether he's Soviet backed,

or just a Burandan with an eye
for the main chance.

We cannot take diplomatic risks.

- The Government has no choice.
- But Her Majesty...

Her Majesty will cope.
She always does.

But who is he?

He might not be
properly brought up.

He might be rude to her.

He might take liberties.

He will be photographed
with Her Majesty

and what if he turns out
to be another Idi Amin.

The repercussions are
too hideous to contemplate.

- We'll find out about him.
- We can't.

All that we know
is that he's an enigma.

Humphrey,
I don't care for that word.

Enigma?

And there are reasons of State
which make this visit essential.

Buranda is enormously rich.

It needs oil rigs and we have
idle shipyards on the Clyde.

Buranda is essential
to our African policy.

The Government doesn't have
African policy.

Well, it has now.

And if he is Marxist backed,

who better to win him over
to our side than her Majesty?

Moreover, it is an important
state occasion for Scotland.

Not to mention
three marginal by-elections.

Not to mention...
It has nothing to do with it!

Of course not.

Yes?
It's the Foreign Secretary.

Martin? Yes? Yes?

The visit's on.

Oh, splendid.

The new President
of Buranda intends

to visit this country,
as previously agreed.

So, the Foreign Office
is getting the facts at last?

Well, not exactly.

Martin's driver heard
a newsflash on his car radio.

So, the visit's on.

That is my recommendation
to the PM.

Another policy decision,
Bernard.

Quite a lot of them after all,
aren't they?

Burandan Airways!
They are doing well.

- How many planes do they have?
- None.

What about that one?

That one was chartered last week
and repainted specially.

Actually, there's one 747
that belonged to

9 different African airlines
in one month.

They called it the Mumbo Jumbo.

- When does my plane leave?
- I've booked you on the sleeper.

- You'll be at the House tonight.
- Oh, lord.

And now we are about to catch
our first glimpse

of President Selim Mohammed
of Buranda.

I know him!
That's Charlie.

- Charlie?
- We were at L.S. E. Together.

He's not Selim Mohammed,
he's Charles Umtali.

Are you sure?

You don't forget a name
like Charlie Umtali.

- Have we anything on this?
- In the brief it stated

that Colonel Selim Mohammed
was converted to Islam.

We didn't know his previous name
nor his background.

He's a red hot
political economist.

Wiped the floor with everyone.

- That's all right then.
- Why?

He'll know how to behave
if he went to an English University.

Even if it was the L.S.E.

You said red hot,
were you speaking politically?

Partly.
You never know with Charlie.

He follows you into a revolving
door and comes out first.

No deep commitment?

- Only to Charlie.
- I see. A politician, Minister.

Very droll, Humphrey.

It'll be a couple of days.
Can't do much harm.

Always remember, Minister,
you wanted him here, not me.

It is after half past, Minister.

When am I going to do
all this correspondence?

Well, Minister...

Well done, Minister.
Better out than in.

22:30 Edinburgh train

will leave from Platform 7...

- Who is it?
- Bernard.

Come in.
Bernard, what's the matter?

- Will you read this, please?
- No, I will not.

- It's top priority...
- You always say that.

It is a copy of President Selim's
speech tomorrow.

I know these speeches:

Happy to be here,
bonds of shared experience,

- Ties between our two countries.
- That is all in it, but...

- I'm not going to read it tonight.
- I think you should.

I've underlined
the important bits in red ink.

I'll just distribute some copies
around the train.

Around the train?

To Sir Humphrey, the Foreign
Secretary, the Press Officer...

"Burandans feel

a special affinity with the

Celtic peoples

in their struggle for freedom.

We too had to fight
to break free

from the chains
of British colonialism".

British colonialism?

"The people of Buranda
urge the Scots and the Irish

to end the English oppression,
cast off the imperialist yoke

and join the fellowship
of free nations".

Good God!

Yes.

We would appear to have been
caught with our trousers down.

He can't say this in front of her.

I don't like to say I told you so.

- Egg all over our faces.
- Not egg, just imperialist "yoke".

Three Scottish by-elections.

It is indeed a catastrophe.
A tragedy.

A cataclysmic, apocalyptic,
monumental calamity.

- And you did it.
- You're paid to advise me, advise me!

This is like trying to advise
the Captain of the Titanic

after he's struck the iceberg.

There must be
something we can do.

We could sing Abide with Me?

- Yes?
- Minister.

The Foreign Secretary
would like a word.

- Ah, Foreign Secretary.
- Have you read this...?

My Minister is concerned
that we will have egg

all over our face.
Scotch egg, presumably.

- Why is he doing it?
- Maybe it's for home consumption.

Perhaps he's trying to persuade
the other African Leaders

that he's a pukka anti-colonialist.

Yes? Yes, Bernard?

The Press Officer
would like a word.

Oh dear!

Room for a little 'un?

Do you think it's good idea
to issue a statement?

Well, Minister, in practical terms

we have the usual six options.

One, do nothing.

Two, issue a statement
deploring the speech.

Three, lodge an official protest.

Four, cut off aid.

Five, break off diplomatic relations.

- And six, declare war.
- Which should we do?

If we do nothing,
we implicitly agree with the speech.

Two, if we issue a statement,
we just look foolish.

Three, if we lodge a protest,
it will be ignored.

Four, we can't cut off aid
because we don't give them any.

Five, if we break off
diplomatic relations

we can't negotiate
the oil rig contracts.

And six, if we declare war it might
just look as if we were overreacting.

In the old days
we'd just send in a gun boat.

I suppose that is absolutely
out of the question?

- Yes?
- Minister...

The Permanent Under Secretary
of the Foreign Office.

It'll be like
the Black Hole of Calcutta.

- May I come in, Minister.
- You can try.

This is all we needed.

Welcome
to the Standing Committee.

Sir Frederick, what are we going
to do about this?

Well, Minister,
Foreign Secretary...

I think...

I think we know what’s behind it,

don’t we, Humpy?

Humpy?

Sir Frederick is suggesting that
the offending paragraph may be

a bargaining counter.

- He wants something?
- Why send us an advance copy?

Why don't you find out
what it is he wants?

The Embassy staff are all new,
we've just seen the speech.

And no one knows anything
about this President.

Except me.

- Except you?
- They were at University together.

- The old boy network.
- That was 25 years ago.

He may not even remember me...
I don't really think I could...

You ought to see him.

I think you carry more weight.

Then the mountain
shall go to Mohammed?

No. No. No. Jim's going.

That's what I meant.

All right.
But you'll have to come with me.

Of course, Minister.

I'd hardly let you do it
on your own.

Jim, come in.

- How nice to see you again.
- Charlie... Long time no see.

You don't have to speak
pidgin English to me.

Sir Humphrey Appleby,
my Permanent Under Secretary.

- Your Excellency.
- How do you do.

Do sit down.

Permanent Under Secretary
is such a demeaning title.

I beg your pardon?

Sounds like an Assistant Typist
or something,

whereas you're really
in charge of everything.

Well, not quite everything.

I should congratulate you
on becoming Head of State.

Oh, thanks.
It wasn’t difficult.

I didn't do boring things,
like fighting elections

or by-elections.

Jim, of course I'm delighted
to see you,

but is this purely a social visit,

or is there anything
you wanted to talk about?

I do have to finish my speech.

Ah... Well, yes... Actually,
we have seen an advanced copy...

You liked it?

Charlie, may I speak frankly?

- We're old friends.
- Of course.

You must realise that that bit
about colonialist oppression

was a bit...
well... um, very...

Well, actually
profoundly embarrassing.

That passage where you urged
the Scots and the Irish to er...

I wonder if you could um,
give it a miss?

- Give it a miss?
- Yes.

But, this is something I feel very,
very deeply to be true.

Surely the British don't believe
in suppressing the truth?

Good heavens no.

I wonder if there's anything
that might persuade you

to consider recasting that sentence
and transferring the emphasis

from the specific instance
to the abstract concept

without in any way,

impairing the conceptual
integrity of the theme.

Yes...

May I change the subject?

Jim, while you're here may I sound
you out on a proposal

I was going to make
to the Prime Minister?

What proposal?

Our little change of Government
has quite unnecessarily alarmed

some of the investors
in our oil industry.

Only temporarily,
but it does mean that we need

a little British investment
to tide us over.

To restore confidence, you know.

How much?

Fifty million pounds.

Ask him on what terms.

On what terms?

Repayment of the capital
not to start before ten years.

And interest free.

Fifty million pounds...
it's a lot of money.

I see, well in that case...

But that doesn't mean
we can't talk about it?

Interest free?
Ten years?

Assuming a 10 % interest,

he's asking for a free gift
of fifty million pounds.

It would appear
that you're asking for

a free gift
of about fifty million pounds.

But it's to your advantage.

We would use the loan
to buy oil rigs built on the Clyde.

Ah, well.

He's asking us to give him
50 million pounds

so that he can buy
our oil rigs with our money.

Reasonable to me.

- Reasonable, Minister?
- Lots of jobs, Humphrey.

Supposing it were possible
to do this deal,

would you find it possible
to make cuts in your speech?

Yes, but I'd have to know now.

Blackmail!

Are you describing me,
or my proposal?

Your proposal, naturally.

No, no, not even your proposal.

I think we can come
to agreement, don't you Humphrey?

Minister...

Could I have a word with you?

Yes?

Will you excuse us,
Your Excellency?

- Is anything wrong?
- Is anything right?

He's offering us a way out.

A gift of 50 million pounds
is a way out?

- It's a loan.
- We'll never get it back.

You buy your way out
of political involvement

with fifty million pounds
of public money?

- It's diplomacy.
- It's corruption, Minister.

K.B.E.

Humpy.

You mean...

Yes, I see.

I suppose we don’t want the Soviets
to invest in Buranda, do we?

And I suppose it could be argued
that we have a responsibility to the...

T.P.L.A.C.'s.

Yes, quite.

Oh, good.

Mr. President, I think we can
come to terms after all.

- Well, you know my price.
- And you know mine.

Everyone has his price.

Yes, Minister.