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1
00:00:07,329 --> 00:00:08,563
Hello?
2
00:00:08,630 --> 00:00:09,630
Hold on.
3
00:00:09,696 --> 00:00:11,230
Are you in for Suzanne?
4
00:00:13,396 --> 00:00:15,763
I kinda have to be.
5
00:00:15,830 --> 00:00:18,463
You didn't put your hand
over the phone.
6
00:00:18,530 --> 00:00:21,329
Oh, right.
7
00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:23,130
Sorry, he's not here.
8
00:00:24,696 --> 00:00:26,396
Gimme, gimme.
9
00:00:26,463 --> 00:00:28,863
Sorry about that.
My brother's kid.
10
00:00:28,930 --> 00:00:31,363
Yeah, dumb as a stump.
11
00:00:31,429 --> 00:00:33,663
(doorbell rings)
12
00:00:36,530 --> 00:00:38,063
Hi.
13
00:00:41,696 --> 00:00:45,030
I'm not sure I have
the right address.
14
00:00:45,097 --> 00:00:47,097
No, you got
the right address.
15
00:00:49,763 --> 00:00:51,696
Charlie, it's for you!
16
00:00:52,930 --> 00:00:55,197
Who is it?
17
00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:59,264
Karma.
18
00:00:59,329 --> 00:01:00,630
What?
19
00:01:00,696 --> 00:01:03,530
Your chickens have
come home to roost.
20
00:01:04,563 --> 00:01:06,264
Chickens? Karma?
21
00:01:06,329 --> 00:01:08,463
Alan, what the hell
are you talking...
22
00:01:09,463 --> 00:01:11,830
Ew...
23
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:15,063
Charlie,
it's for you!
24
00:01:43,009 --> 00:01:44,209
Hey...
25
00:01:44,276 --> 00:01:46,109
great to see you...
26
00:01:46,176 --> 00:01:48,343
again.
27
00:01:48,410 --> 00:01:51,143
I don't think we've met.
28
00:01:51,209 --> 00:01:52,575
Really?
29
00:01:52,642 --> 00:01:53,776
Really.
30
00:01:53,842 --> 00:01:55,475
Are you trying
to give me a stroke?
31
00:01:55,542 --> 00:01:57,276
Is that what
you're trying to do?
32
00:01:57,343 --> 00:01:59,310
Well, it's about time.
33
00:01:59,376 --> 00:02:00,742
Oh, hey, Mom.
34
00:02:00,809 --> 00:02:02,476
I got the cleaning stuff
you wanted.
35
00:02:03,542 --> 00:02:04,943
Well, don't just
stand there.
36
00:02:05,009 --> 00:02:06,575
Get in the kitchen
and start using it.
37
00:02:06,642 --> 00:02:08,209
Fine.
38
00:02:08,276 --> 00:02:09,909
Berta, aren't you
going to introduce us?
39
00:02:09,976 --> 00:02:10,976
Oh, I'm sorry.
40
00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,076
Where are my manners?
41
00:02:12,143 --> 00:02:14,410
Charlie, Alan,
42
00:02:14,475 --> 00:02:17,009
I'd like you to meet
my youngest daughter Naomi--
43
00:02:17,076 --> 00:02:19,209
the light of my life.
44
00:02:19,276 --> 00:02:21,475
A little angel
who swooped down from heaven
45
00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:24,109
and landed on
a married man's penis.
46
00:02:25,076 --> 00:02:26,609
Mom!
47
00:02:26,676 --> 00:02:28,509
And when she got knocked up
and lost her job,
48
00:02:28,575 --> 00:02:30,376
she had to come live with me.
49
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:31,809
They fired you
for being pregnant?
50
00:02:31,876 --> 00:02:33,209
Yep. Being pregnant
51
00:02:33,276 --> 00:02:36,276
and stealing a few
office supplies.
52
00:02:36,343 --> 00:02:39,976
Eight computers
and a Xerox machine.
53
00:02:40,043 --> 00:02:42,009
Not all at once.
54
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:44,300
So which one of you guys
55
00:02:44,909 --> 00:02:47,109
is the rich one
who likes to party?
56
00:02:49,909 --> 00:02:51,243
Get to work.
57
00:02:51,310 --> 00:02:53,243
All right.
58
00:02:53,310 --> 00:02:55,176
And when you're done
in the kitchen,
59
00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,009
you can scrub the toilets.
60
00:02:57,076 --> 00:02:58,475
All right!
61
00:02:58,542 --> 00:03:01,019
If she spent more time
on her knees than on her back,
62
00:03:01,076 --> 00:03:03,143
she wouldn't be
in this situation.
63
00:03:04,009 --> 00:03:06,009
Not necessarily.
64
00:03:08,176 --> 00:03:10,575
Should she really be scrubbing
toilets in her condition?
65
00:03:10,642 --> 00:03:12,310
Hey, when I was pregnant
with her
66
00:03:12,376 --> 00:03:13,943
I worked right up
until my water broke.
67
00:03:14,009 --> 00:03:16,076
And then I used the water
to mop the floor.
68
00:03:17,943 --> 00:03:20,909
I exaggerate for effect.
69
00:03:23,742 --> 00:03:25,109
Wow.
70
00:03:25,176 --> 00:03:28,143
Yeah, and we think
our family's screwed-up.
71
00:03:28,209 --> 00:03:33,410
No, no, I meant,
"Wow, Naomi is hot."
72
00:03:33,475 --> 00:03:35,676
What?
73
00:03:35,742 --> 00:03:37,909
Come on.
She's ripe and luscious.
74
00:03:37,976 --> 00:03:41,676
I just want to caress
that taut, voluptuous belly
75
00:03:41,742 --> 00:03:43,809
and, you know...
76
00:03:45,676 --> 00:03:48,410
Ungh...
77
00:03:49,509 --> 00:03:51,609
Who are you?
78
00:03:51,676 --> 00:03:53,943
Oh, come on, you can't tell me
you don't appreciate
79
00:03:54,009 --> 00:03:56,076
the beauty of a woman
in that condition.
80
00:03:56,143 --> 00:03:59,376
Okay, look, freako.
81
00:03:59,442 --> 00:04:02,009
I get the aesthetic appeal
82
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:03,676
of a woman with
the glow of motherhood,
83
00:04:03,742 --> 00:04:07,209
a new life growing inside
of her, blah, blah, blah.
84
00:04:07,276 --> 00:04:08,442
But long story short--
85
00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:09,938
once there's a bun
in the oven,
86
00:04:09,943 --> 00:04:12,542
I don't feel the need
to butter it.
87
00:04:12,609 --> 00:04:14,742
Well, then you
have missed out
88
00:04:14,809 --> 00:04:17,442
on one of the great sexual
experiences a man can have.
89
00:04:17,509 --> 00:04:19,542
There had to be one.
90
00:04:20,609 --> 00:04:22,609
When Judith was pregnant
with Jake,
91
00:04:22,676 --> 00:04:24,276
I-I don't know
if it was hormones
92
00:04:24,343 --> 00:04:27,876
or pheromones, but she just
could not get enough of me.
93
00:04:27,943 --> 00:04:30,176
And ever since then, every time
I see a pregnant woman,
94
00:04:30,243 --> 00:04:31,475
I just...
95
00:04:31,542 --> 00:04:33,842
(moans)
96
00:04:33,909 --> 00:04:37,043
Okay, seriously,
you got to stop that.
97
00:04:37,109 --> 00:04:38,676
I am telling you,
it was nine months
98
00:04:38,742 --> 00:04:40,209
of the hottest sex
we've ever had,
99
00:04:40,276 --> 00:04:42,442
even with the morning ckness
and hemorrhoids.
100
00:04:43,542 --> 00:04:45,176
Maybe that explains
Jake's grades.
101
00:04:46,475 --> 00:04:48,209
Morning sickness
and hemorrhoids?
102
00:04:48,276 --> 00:04:51,842
No, the repeated blows
to his unformed head.
103
00:04:55,343 --> 00:04:56,976
You are such an idiot.
104
00:04:57,043 --> 00:04:58,809
All the experts agree
that sex during pregnancy
105
00:04:58,876 --> 00:05:00,176
is not harmful
to the baby.
106
00:05:00,243 --> 00:05:02,709
Experts, shmexperts.
107
00:05:02,776 --> 00:05:04,442
Tonight when you're sleeping,
I'm gonna come in
108
00:05:04,509 --> 00:05:06,776
and start poking you
in the ear with a hot dog.
109
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:11,043
See how you like it.
110
00:05:11,109 --> 00:05:13,642
Okay, okay, clearly,
we have different opinions.
111
00:05:13,709 --> 00:05:15,742
All I know is,
I find pregnant women
112
00:05:15,809 --> 00:05:18,876
very erotic.
113
00:05:20,102 --> 00:05:22,302
Oh, hey, buddy.
114
00:05:22,664 --> 00:05:24,864
- Hi.
- How long have you been standing there?
115
00:05:25,498 --> 00:05:27,157
Long enough to be very confused.
116
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,699
But we have hot dogs, right?
117
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,100
♪ Men ♪
118
00:05:35,740 --> 00:05:37,874
(moans)
119
00:05:45,141 --> 00:05:46,575
Excuse me?
120
00:05:46,642 --> 00:05:49,575
Oh, 's just
a little indigestion.
121
00:05:49,642 --> 00:05:53,608
So, uh, she's got you doing
a little ironing, huh?
122
00:05:53,674 --> 00:05:55,874
Yeah. Boy, I can't wait
to get this day over with
123
00:05:55,941 --> 00:05:57,841
and take a nice, hot bath.
124
00:05:57,908 --> 00:05:59,642
(moans)
125
00:06:05,008 --> 00:06:06,774
You know, uh,
126
00:06:06,841 --> 00:06:09,241
we happen to have a Jacuzzi tub.
127
00:06:09,308 --> 00:06:10,689
It, uh, has those jets and...
128
00:06:14,341 --> 00:06:15,542
I'm okay.
129
00:06:15,608 --> 00:06:16,741
I'm okay.
130
00:06:16,807 --> 00:06:17,608
(laughing):
Are you sure?
131
00:06:17,674 --> 00:06:19,341
Yeah, yeah, fine.
132
00:06:19,408 --> 00:06:21,208
You, uh, you want me
to run some water for you?
133
00:06:21,275 --> 00:06:22,208
No, no, I couldn't.
134
00:06:22,275 --> 00:06:23,674
I got to keep working
135
00:06:23,741 --> 00:06:25,884
or my mom'll be all
over me like hair on soap.
136
00:06:27,908 --> 00:06:31,074
Mm, you, uh,
you do paint a picture.
137
00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:34,008
But still, you, you shouldn't
be working in your condition.
138
00:06:34,074 --> 00:06:36,275
Come on, just, uh,
just sit here.
139
00:06:36,341 --> 00:06:37,908
I'll, uh,
I'll finish it for you.
140
00:06:37,974 --> 00:06:38,908
Really?
141
00:06:38,974 --> 00:06:40,175
Yes, really.
142
00:06:40,241 --> 00:06:41,508
Why, thank you.
143
00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:42,575
(both laugh)
144
00:06:45,275 --> 00:06:47,741
You're not doing
a very good job anyway.
145
00:06:50,774 --> 00:06:51,941
Ooh.
146
00:06:52,008 --> 00:06:53,141
Hot.
147
00:06:55,807 --> 00:06:57,241
So, you know what the baby is?
148
00:06:57,308 --> 00:07:00,375
Well, I'm hoping
for human.
149
00:07:02,408 --> 00:07:04,074
Uh, no, no, I meant boy or girl?
150
00:07:04,141 --> 00:07:05,074
Oh, it's a girl.
151
00:07:05,108 --> 00:07:06,375
Oh, oh, that's nice.
152
00:07:06,441 --> 00:07:07,841
I always wanted a girl.
153
00:07:07,908 --> 00:07:10,208
I mean, you know, I love my son,
but let's face it,
154
00:07:10,275 --> 00:07:12,847
girls are so much smarter
and more spiritual than boys.
155
00:07:12,874 --> 00:07:15,908
Plus, we got all the boobies.
156
00:07:17,008 --> 00:07:19,208
All the good ones anyway.
157
00:07:19,275 --> 00:07:23,275
Courseright now, mine feel
like two big bags of wet sand.
158
00:07:24,308 --> 00:07:25,974
Nice.
159
00:07:26,041 --> 00:07:28,575
My back is killing me,
my feet are swollen,
160
00:07:28,642 --> 00:07:31,408
and I'm passing gas
like a NASCAR pit crew.
161
00:07:34,408 --> 00:07:36,974
Well, I-I think you look...
beautiful.
162
00:07:38,008 --> 00:07:39,375
Aren't you sweet?
163
00:07:40,608 --> 00:07:42,208
Ooh. God, it feels
164
00:07:42,275 --> 00:07:43,941
like she's playing
Hacky Sack in there.
165
00:07:44,008 --> 00:07:45,807
Wanna feel?
Yes.
166
00:07:50,807 --> 00:07:51,874
Come on.
167
00:07:56,774 --> 00:07:58,674
What's going on here?
168
00:07:58,741 --> 00:08:00,008
Oh, hi, Berta.
169
00:08:00,074 --> 00:08:01,642
The baby was kicking
and Naomi asked me
170
00:08:01,707 --> 00:08:03,241
if I wanted to feel the baby
kicking and I said, "Sure,"
171
00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:04,774
which is when you walked in,
and that's pretty much it.
172
00:08:04,841 --> 00:08:06,341
Okay.
Yes, it is okay.
173
00:08:06,408 --> 00:08:07,974
It is okay.
174
00:08:08,041 --> 00:08:10,642
Hey, you're having
a new granddaughter.
175
00:08:10,707 --> 00:08:12,175
W-What a blessing, huh?
176
00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:14,341
Yeah, sort of takes
the sting out of this one
177
00:08:14,408 --> 00:08:17,608
being a gullible tramp.
178
00:08:17,674 --> 00:08:20,175
Now, get off your rump roast
and finish the ironing.
179
00:08:20,241 --> 00:08:22,308
Oh, wait, relax, Berta,
I'll do the ironing.
180
00:08:22,375 --> 00:08:24,642
Why don't you just let Naomi
take it easy?
181
00:08:24,707 --> 00:08:27,408
Easy's the reason
e's in this condition.
182
00:08:28,441 --> 00:08:30,308
Get to it.
All right.
183
00:08:32,408 --> 00:08:34,508
You know, if, if your back
is really bothering you,
184
00:08:34,575 --> 00:08:36,441
I'm a chiropractor...
Zippy!
185
00:08:36,508 --> 00:08:37,841
Yes?
Conference.
186
00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:38,908
Yes.
187
00:08:41,508 --> 00:08:45,141
Zippy is kind of
an affectionate nickname...
188
00:08:45,208 --> 00:08:47,141
'cause I'm quick.
189
00:08:49,807 --> 00:08:51,341
What are you doing?
190
00:08:51,408 --> 00:08:53,175
I'm trying to teach
that girl responsibility.
191
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:56,208
She's going to be a single
mother with no job skills.
192
00:08:56,275 --> 00:08:58,941
I want her to be able to support
herself with some dignity.
193
00:08:59,008 --> 00:09:01,208
Oh, please, what kind of
dignity can a woman have
194
00:09:01,275 --> 00:09:03,514
ironing clothes and
cleaning strangers' toilets?
195
00:09:06,008 --> 00:09:08,508
I'll tell you what kind.
196
00:09:08,575 --> 00:09:11,241
The dignity of an honest buck
for an honest day's labor.
197
00:09:11,308 --> 00:09:12,941
off to the working gal.
Excuse me.
198
00:09:17,508 --> 00:09:19,642
♪ Men ♪
199
00:09:22,741 --> 00:09:25,241
(sobbing)
200
00:09:25,308 --> 00:09:27,108
(sniffling)
201
00:09:27,475 --> 00:09:29,575
Berta?
Go away.
202
00:09:29,641 --> 00:09:34,107
Uh, I actually need
to use the bathroom.
203
00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:36,241
Well, I'm using this one.
204
00:09:36,308 --> 00:09:37,341
Are you okay?
205
00:09:37,408 --> 00:09:40,141
Yeah, Chlie,
I am just aces.
206
00:09:40,208 --> 00:09:42,274
All right, uh...
207
00:09:42,341 --> 00:09:44,374
Would you like a magazine?
208
00:09:44,441 --> 00:09:46,208
Go... away.
209
00:09:48,875 --> 00:09:50,141
(sniffles)
210
00:09:50,208 --> 00:09:52,708
Berta, I'm coming in.
211
00:09:52,775 --> 00:09:54,274
Is it okay if I come in?
212
00:09:59,441 --> 00:10:00,708
Hi.
213
00:10:00,775 --> 00:10:02,041
(sniffling)
214
00:10:02,107 --> 00:10:04,308
I didn't want you
to see me like this.
215
00:10:04,374 --> 00:10:05,575
Yeah, well, it's better
216
00:10:05,641 --> 00:10:07,775
than the image
I had in my mind.
217
00:10:08,808 --> 00:10:10,708
What's wrong?
218
00:10:10,775 --> 00:10:12,775
What do you think?
219
00:10:13,775 --> 00:10:15,308
Your daughter?
220
00:10:15,374 --> 00:10:17,508
I had such hopes for her.
221
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:20,475
Of all of my girls,
she was the smart one.
222
00:10:20,541 --> 00:10:23,842
She was the smart one?
223
00:10:23,908 --> 00:10:26,308
Go on.
224
00:10:26,374 --> 00:10:27,808
I really thought
225
00:10:27,875 --> 00:10:29,875
Naomi would make something
of herself, you know?
226
00:10:29,942 --> 00:10:31,374
A career, a family.
227
00:10:31,441 --> 00:10:33,508
A house that wasn't just
a horse trailer
228
00:10:33,575 --> 00:10:35,641
with a futon in it.
229
00:10:35,708 --> 00:10:37,107
Don't blame yourself.
230
00:10:37,174 --> 00:10:38,675
It's not your fault.
231
00:10:38,741 --> 00:10:42,341
Who said anything about
being my fault, you nimrod?
232
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:43,974
No, no, no, no, no.
233
00:10:44,041 --> 00:10:46,441
I'm-I'm just saying that-that
you did the best you could.
234
00:10:46,508 --> 00:10:48,708
How the hell do you know?
235
00:10:48,775 --> 00:10:51,575
Actually, I-I don't.
236
00:10:51,641 --> 00:10:56,708
But I am something of an expert
on where girls go wrong.
237
00:10:56,775 --> 00:10:58,842
When-When they start
sleeping around,
238
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:01,374
it-it's usually a daddy thing.
239
00:11:01,441 --> 00:11:03,908
At least in my experience.
240
00:11:03,974 --> 00:11:06,074
Thanks for trying
to cheer me up, Charlie.
241
00:11:06,141 --> 00:11:07,074
You're welcome.
242
00:11:07,141 --> 00:11:08,341
But you can stop now,
243
00:11:08,408 --> 00:11:09,608
'cause it ain't your forte.
244
00:11:09,675 --> 00:11:11,141
Okay.
245
00:11:11,208 --> 00:11:13,641
I'll tell you whose fault it is.
246
00:11:13,708 --> 00:11:15,174
Ronald Wiedermeier.
247
00:11:15,241 --> 00:11:16,441
Who?
248
00:11:16,508 --> 00:11:19,007
The sleazeball
who pollinated my little flower
249
00:11:19,074 --> 00:11:22,508
then disappeared like cupcakes
at a pot party.
250
00:11:22,575 --> 00:11:24,408
Damn that
Ronald Niedermeier.
251
00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:25,675
Wiedermeier.
252
00:11:25,741 --> 00:11:27,241
Him, too.
253
00:11:27,308 --> 00:11:29,741
Well, I'll tell ya, I am not
gonna let him get away with it.
254
00:11:29,808 --> 00:11:31,007
Good for you.
255
00:11:31,074 --> 00:11:32,641
Guys like that need to know
256
00:11:32,708 --> 00:11:34,208
that there's consequences
to their actions.
257
00:11:34,274 --> 00:11:36,741
They need to learn that-that
women are people with feelings.
258
00:11:36,808 --> 00:11:38,908
They're not just vaginas
that talk.
259
00:11:38,974 --> 00:11:41,274
"Vaginas that talk"?
260
00:11:41,341 --> 00:11:44,974
Damn that Ronald Wiedermeier.
261
00:11:45,041 --> 00:11:46,541
You know, Charlie,
you may be a pig,
262
00:11:46,608 --> 00:11:47,708
but in this case, you're right.
263
00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:48,908
Thank you.
264
00:11:48,974 --> 00:11:50,508
What did I say?
265
00:11:50,575 --> 00:11:53,041
We need to teach
Mr. Wiedermeier a lesson.
266
00:11:53,107 --> 00:11:54,875
I don't think
I said that.
267
00:11:54,942 --> 00:11:56,174
Come on.
268
00:11:56,241 --> 00:11:57,813
No, really, I-I am
almost positive
269
00:11:57,842 --> 00:12:00,007
I didn't say that.
270
00:12:03,041 --> 00:12:05,641
You know, I still
have to pee.
271
00:12:12,750 --> 00:12:14,249
Where the hell are we?
272
00:12:14,316 --> 00:12:16,649
It's called Rancho Pacoima.
273
00:12:16,716 --> 00:12:18,716
Huh.
274
00:12:18,783 --> 00:12:21,616
It's very... brown.
275
00:12:21,683 --> 00:12:25,883
Yeah, not much grows here
except meth labs and cold sores.
276
00:12:27,516 --> 00:12:28,816
Just out of curiosity,
277
00:12:28,883 --> 00:12:30,616
what exactly are we hoping
to accomplish
278
00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:32,150
here with this Ronald guy?
279
00:12:32,217 --> 00:12:34,360
Well, in the perfect world,
he'd dump his wife
280
00:12:34,382 --> 00:12:35,616
and marry my little hose bag.
281
00:12:35,683 --> 00:12:38,282
But I'll settle
for him stepping up
282
00:12:38,349 --> 00:12:39,683
and paying
for his mistake.
283
00:12:39,750 --> 00:12:41,416
And if he declines?
284
00:12:41,483 --> 00:12:42,783
That's why I brought you.
285
00:12:42,850 --> 00:12:44,316
Me?
286
00:12:44,382 --> 00:12:47,083
All I can do at this point
is pee on his rug.
287
00:12:47,150 --> 00:12:49,282
You still have to go?
288
00:12:49,349 --> 00:12:52,483
Well, yeah,
it doesn't evaporate.
289
00:12:52,549 --> 00:12:54,583
Can we pull over for a minute?
290
00:12:54,649 --> 00:12:56,516
In this neighborhood
in a Mercedes?
291
00:12:56,583 --> 00:13:00,282
Sure, if you're partial
to car theft and sodomy.
292
00:13:01,950 --> 00:13:03,516
Take a left right here.
293
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,016
That's not a road.
294
00:13:05,083 --> 00:13:07,150
Well, not during
rainy season.
295
00:13:11,683 --> 00:13:13,716
(thud)
296
00:13:13,783 --> 00:13:14,616
Oh, God!
297
00:13:14,683 --> 00:13:16,916
I think I hit a dog!
298
00:13:16,983 --> 00:13:18,916
Don't worry.
It was just a rat.
299
00:13:18,983 --> 00:13:20,583
It's okay.
He's getting up.
300
00:13:24,483 --> 00:13:27,050
♪ Men. ♪
301
00:13:27,117 --> 00:13:30,483
(giggles)
302
00:13:30,549 --> 00:13:31,850
What's this stuff
called again?
303
00:13:31,916 --> 00:13:34,016
Vitamin E oil.
Oh.
304
00:13:34,083 --> 00:13:36,249
Feels really good.
305
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,816
Ah...
306
00:13:43,649 --> 00:13:45,649
(doorbell rings)
307
00:13:47,483 --> 00:13:49,282
Hey, Mom. I'm
ready to go.
308
00:13:49,349 --> 00:13:50,549
Where's your father?
309
00:13:50,616 --> 00:13:52,549
He's in the den
rubbing oil on Naomi.
310
00:13:52,616 --> 00:13:55,416
Who's Naomi?
311
00:13:55,483 --> 00:13:56,816
Berta's daughter.
312
00:13:56,883 --> 00:13:59,050
Your father's rubbing oil
on a woman in front of you?
313
00:13:59,117 --> 00:14:00,583
Nah. I couldn't watch.
314
00:14:00,649 --> 00:14:02,416
It was too creepy.
315
00:14:02,483 --> 00:14:04,516
Well, we'll just see
about that.
316
00:14:04,583 --> 00:14:06,950
Oh, and by the way, I found out
why I get bad grades.
317
00:14:07,016 --> 00:14:08,616
It's all your fault.
318
00:14:08,683 --> 00:14:11,183
Why is it my fault?
319
00:14:11,249 --> 00:14:14,083
You know.
320
00:14:14,150 --> 00:14:16,183
NAOMI:
Oh, yeah, Alan.
321
00:14:16,249 --> 00:14:17,449
ALAN:
Ah...
322
00:14:17,516 --> 00:14:19,816
Wait in the car.
323
00:14:21,583 --> 00:14:23,483
Alan, what do you think
you're doing?
324
00:14:23,549 --> 00:14:24,716
Oh, hi, Judith.
325
00:14:24,783 --> 00:14:26,382
Naomi here w worried
about stretch marks,
326
00:14:26,449 --> 00:14:27,816
and I was showing her how
vitamin E can help prevent them.
327
00:14:27,883 --> 00:14:29,312
You know, like I did with you.
328
00:14:29,349 --> 00:14:30,683
And then you walked in,
and that's pretty much it.
329
00:14:30,750 --> 00:14:32,050
Oh, really?
330
00:14:32,117 --> 00:14:33,883
Yeah. Hey, why don't you pull up
your top
331
00:14:33,950 --> 00:14:35,883
and let her check out
your belly?
332
00:14:35,950 --> 00:14:37,516
I will not!
333
00:14:37,583 --> 00:14:39,416
So he rubbed this
on you, too?
334
00:14:39,483 --> 00:14:40,850
Oh, he rubbed all right,
335
00:14:40,916 --> 00:14:42,950
but it was only to satisfy
his own twisted needs.
336
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:46,050
Excuse me, but you were the one
that was constantly horny.
337
00:14:46,117 --> 00:14:47,883
And you sure took advantage
of it, didn't you?
338
00:14:47,950 --> 00:14:50,783
Hey, when the bar is only open
nine months a decade,
339
00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:52,549
you drink till you puke.
340
00:14:53,950 --> 00:14:55,449
And then you keep drinking.
341
00:14:55,516 --> 00:14:56,983
(Jake laughs)
342
00:14:57,050 --> 00:14:58,549
That's funny.
343
00:14:58,616 --> 00:15:02,382
Hey, buddy.
344
00:15:02,449 --> 00:15:06,816
You're turning into quite the little
ninja, aren't you?
345
00:15:06,883 --> 00:15:08,916
There's just one thing
I don't understand.
346
00:15:08,983 --> 00:15:10,483
Well, wha-what's
that, honey?
347
00:15:10,549 --> 00:15:12,583
If you have sex
with a pregnant lady,
348
00:15:12,649 --> 00:15:13,792
wouldn't she have twins?
349
00:15:13,816 --> 00:15:15,249
No.
350
00:15:15,316 --> 00:15:18,249
Otherwise, I'd be having
a whole damn litter.
351
00:15:20,282 --> 00:15:22,217
♪ Men. ♪
352
00:15:22,282 --> 00:15:24,783
(dogs barking)
353
00:15:29,116 --> 00:15:30,217
Cold medicine.
354
00:15:30,882 --> 00:15:32,882
He must have allergies
or something.
355
00:15:32,949 --> 00:15:35,383
You don't watch 60Minutes,
do you?
356
00:15:41,783 --> 00:15:43,949
(bumping and thudding)
357
00:15:46,083 --> 00:15:48,016
What?
358
00:15:48,083 --> 00:15:49,549
You Ronald?
359
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:50,616
No.
360
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,325
WOMAN: Ronald, who is it?
361
00:15:54,012 --> 00:15:58,446
Damn it, Darlene.
We're incognito, remember?
362
00:15:59,479 --> 00:16:00,512
You cops?
363
00:16:00,629 --> 00:16:01,829
Yeah.
364
00:16:01,896 --> 00:16:04,195
I'm Scully.
This is Mulder.
365
00:16:05,359 --> 00:16:07,560
Listen, can I use
your bathroom?
366
00:16:07,625 --> 00:16:11,393
No, no, it's, uh, not
functioning... correctly.
367
00:16:11,460 --> 00:16:13,560
We use the Chevron
up the block.
368
00:16:13,625 --> 00:16:14,759
Bye.
369
00:16:14,826 --> 00:16:16,926
No bye-bye.
370
00:16:16,992 --> 00:16:18,259
So, Ronald, this
is the deal.
371
00:16:18,326 --> 00:16:19,859
You've knocked up
my little girl,
372
00:16:19,926 --> 00:16:21,926
and I want to know what
you're gonna do about it.
373
00:16:21,992 --> 00:16:23,293
Well, that depends.
374
00:16:23,359 --> 00:16:24,493
On what?
375
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,159
Who's your little girl?
376
00:16:26,226 --> 00:16:27,560
Naomi.
377
00:16:27,625 --> 00:16:28,926
Naomi?
378
00:16:28,992 --> 00:16:32,560
Oh, I haven't seen Naomi
in a real long time.
379
00:16:32,625 --> 00:16:34,725
About eight,
nine months?
380
00:16:34,792 --> 00:16:37,460
Yeah, that sounds right.
381
00:16:37,526 --> 00:16:39,181
Ew.
382
00:16:39,182 --> 00:16:40,548
DARLENE: Ronald, what's going on?
383
00:16:40,614 --> 00:16:42,514
Nothing,
sweet cheeks.
384
00:16:43,112 --> 00:16:44,446
Okay, look,
385
00:16:44,513 --> 00:16:46,846
I'd like to keep this
away from the missus.
386
00:16:46,913 --> 00:16:48,412
She's a little volatile.
387
00:16:48,479 --> 00:16:51,946
Hasn't slept really well.
388
00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:53,713
Maybe you've got a coffee can
or a milk jug?
389
00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:55,145
I could just
go around back?
390
00:16:55,212 --> 00:16:57,446
No, no, it's a real mess
back there.
391
00:16:57,513 --> 00:16:58,746
(explosive pop)
392
00:16:58,813 --> 00:17:01,012
Ooh!
393
00:17:01,079 --> 00:17:05,946
Damn it, Darlene. I told you
not to smoke in there.
394
00:17:06,012 --> 00:17:10,613
Well, I don't have
to pee anymore.
395
00:17:13,179 --> 00:17:15,346
♪ Men. ♪
396
00:17:15,912 --> 00:17:17,579
Oh!
397
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:19,979
That feels so good.
398
00:17:20,046 --> 00:17:22,079
(breaks wind)
399
00:17:25,779 --> 00:17:26,979
Sorry.
400
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,480
Oh, no, don't be silly.
401
00:17:28,545 --> 00:17:30,512
It's a... It's a natural bodily function.
Oh.
402
00:17:30,579 --> 00:17:33,313
The, uh, the baby is-is pressing
down on the intestines and...
403
00:17:33,380 --> 00:17:35,446
Oh, dear Lord!
404
00:17:36,812 --> 00:17:38,213
Oh, I'm sorry.
405
00:17:38,279 --> 00:17:40,380
Oh, no, no.
No, it's-it's all right.
Okay.
406
00:17:40,446 --> 00:17:41,812
Uh, I'm used to it.
407
00:17:41,879 --> 00:17:43,446
When my wife was pregnant...
408
00:17:43,545 --> 00:17:45,812
Oh, that's got
some hang time.
409
00:17:47,279 --> 00:17:51,313
You are so sweet, Alan.
410
00:17:51,380 --> 00:17:53,612
How come I've never
met a man like you?
411
00:17:53,679 --> 00:17:56,179
Well, speaking on behalf
of men like me,
412
00:17:56,246 --> 00:17:58,545
we don't get out a lot.
413
00:18:03,346 --> 00:18:04,746
(breaks wind)
414
00:18:07,380 --> 00:18:08,779
Sorry.
415
00:18:08,846 --> 00:18:12,346
I'm not.
416
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:20,812
You know, these sweatpants
are really comfortable.
417
00:18:20,879 --> 00:18:22,413
That's 'cause they're dry.
418
00:18:23,446 --> 00:18:24,879
And boy, what a deal.
419
00:18:24,946 --> 00:18:26,645
What did you call
that place again?
420
00:18:26,712 --> 00:18:27,812
A swap meet.
421
00:18:27,879 --> 00:18:30,746
Swap meet.
422
00:18:32,380 --> 00:18:35,812
Well, aside from the exploding
meth lab and peeing myself,
423
00:18:35,879 --> 00:18:37,413
this was a fun
little trip.
424
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:40,545
I got the sweatpants
and a bag of tube socks,
425
00:18:40,612 --> 00:18:44,213
four DVDs and a corn dog,
all for eight bucks.
426
00:18:44,279 --> 00:18:45,545
Just a hint.
427
00:18:45,612 --> 00:18:47,812
The corn dog will last longer
than the socks.
428
00:18:47,879 --> 00:18:49,545
NAOMI:
Oh, God! Oh!
429
00:18:49,612 --> 00:18:51,013
Oh, it's
too big!
430
00:18:51,079 --> 00:18:52,912
What the hell?
431
00:18:52,979 --> 00:18:55,046
Alan, you sick freak.
432
00:18:56,079 --> 00:18:57,912
Naomi!
433
00:18:57,979 --> 00:19:00,413
Oh, hi. She's
having a baby.
434
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,079
BERTA:
Oh, damn!
435
00:19:02,146 --> 00:19:04,013
It's all right, honey.
Mommy's here.
436
00:19:04,079 --> 00:19:05,246
(Naomi moaning)
437
00:19:05,313 --> 00:19:06,579
Ooh...
438
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,712
What? You never saw
an angry one before?
439
00:19:08,779 --> 00:19:10,079
Out of the
way, Zippy.
440
00:19:10,146 --> 00:19:12,545
It's okay.
I'm a chiropractor.
441
00:19:12,612 --> 00:19:15,213
(screaming and sobbing)
442
00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:16,512
You got it.
443
00:19:17,446 --> 00:19:18,912
It's okay, honey.
That's it, yeah.
444
00:19:18,979 --> 00:19:21,013
Now take a big deep breath
and push!
445
00:19:21,079 --> 00:19:22,712
Yeah, whoa, whoa,
hold on! hold on!
446
00:19:22,779 --> 00:19:25,612
Let me put down
some t
447
00:19:25,679 --> 00:19:28,013
Breathe.
448
00:19:28,079 --> 00:19:30,346
Breathe. Now, push!
449
00:19:30,413 --> 00:19:32,346
(pained groaning
and crying)
450
00:19:35,779 --> 00:19:36,413
Push!
451
00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:37,779
(screaming)
452
00:19:38,194 --> 00:19:40,439
♪MEN♪
453
00:19:41,030 --> 00:19:42,897
Now, you listen up,
Brittany Pam,
454
00:19:42,963 --> 00:19:45,064
you're my last chance.
455
00:19:45,130 --> 00:19:46,730
You're gonna go to college,
456
00:19:46,797 --> 00:19:48,863
and you're gonna make something
of yourself.
457
00:19:48,930 --> 00:19:50,364
No getting knocked up
458
00:19:50,431 --> 00:19:53,863
by some greasy tweer
from Rancho Pacoima.
459
00:19:54,250 --> 00:19:55,851
Oh, gee, Mom, about that.
460
00:19:55,916 --> 00:19:58,150
I've-I've kind of been
counting back the weeks,
461
00:19:58,217 --> 00:20:00,851
and Ronald can't be the daddy.
462
00:20:00,916 --> 00:20:02,150
What?
463
00:20:02,217 --> 00:20:05,083
Yeah. See, he was in a burn unit
at the time.
464
00:20:05,150 --> 00:20:09,650
He wanted to, but his skin
just kept sliding off.
465
00:20:09,717 --> 00:20:10,883
Oh, God.
466
00:20:10,950 --> 00:20:13,283
Here comes
the corn dog.
467
00:20:13,350 --> 00:20:15,384
So... so, who is the father?
468
00:20:15,450 --> 00:20:16,950
Well, I got it narrowed down.
469
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,417
Hmm. Dear Lord.
470
00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:22,584
I'll know for sure
if she starts speaking Spanish.
471
00:20:25,050 --> 00:20:27,883
Well, we just
shut down Ronald for $5,000.
472
00:20:27,950 --> 00:20:29,450
"We"?
473
00:20:29,517 --> 00:20:32,327
You were hiding behind the car,
pulling off your wet undies.
474
00:20:34,283 --> 00:20:35,684
Oh, make yourself
comfortable.
475
00:20:35,751 --> 00:20:37,384
The doctor will
be right in.
476
00:20:37,450 --> 00:20:39,417
(moaning)
477
00:20:39,484 --> 00:20:42,916
Come on, freako.
478
00:20:42,983 --> 00:20:46,083
You are absolutely radiant.
479
00:20:47,950 --> 00:20:49,484
Best of luck.
480
00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:52,717
Thanks.
Sorry about your couch.
481
00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:56,050
Good news, honey:
I got you $4,000.
32207
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