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1
00:00:03,699 --> 00:00:05,831
Oh, look who's here.
2
00:00:05,831 --> 00:00:07,268
Guys, I got to go, okay?
I'm late.
3
00:00:07,268 --> 00:00:08,312
- Okay.
- I'll see you guys.
4
00:00:08,312 --> 00:00:09,661
- Alright, bye.
- Bye.
5
00:00:09,661 --> 00:00:11,402
- 'Bye, dad.'
- Bye.
6
00:00:11,402 --> 00:00:13,143
I'm late.
7
00:00:13,143 --> 00:00:15,450
Yeah, ray, listen, Ally drew
this picture of our family.
8
00:00:15,450 --> 00:00:17,104
And now she wants to put
it up on the fridge.
9
00:00:17,104 --> 00:00:19,367
- Yeah, so?
- Well, look at it.
10
00:00:19,367 --> 00:00:22,326
There's Ally and the twins
and there's you and me and...
11
00:00:22,326 --> 00:00:24,154
...look at your parents.
12
00:00:24,154 --> 00:00:27,375
Oh, she made 'em giants.
13
00:00:27,375 --> 00:00:30,334
- Yeah.
- With sharp teeth and claws.
14
00:00:31,857 --> 00:00:34,599
Yeah, and they're
attacking our house.
15
00:00:34,599 --> 00:00:36,123
Stop it, I'm showing him.
16
00:00:36,123 --> 00:00:38,168
No, this way. It goes this way.
17
00:00:38,168 --> 00:00:39,865
She's very perceptive.
18
00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:41,258
We can't put this on the fridge.
19
00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:42,694
Your parents are gonna see it.
20
00:00:42,694 --> 00:00:44,740
Do you like my picture, daddy?
21
00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:46,437
Um, yes, I do. I do, sweetie.
22
00:00:46,437 --> 00:00:49,397
Honey, how come you made grandma
and grandpa look so scary?
23
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:50,963
That's not grandma and grandpa.
24
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:53,618
Those are Halloween monsters.
25
00:00:53,618 --> 00:00:56,186
- Oh.
- Okay. Okay.
26
00:00:56,186 --> 00:00:58,623
Grandma and grandpa
aren't monsters.
27
00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:06,631
- Ah, youth. Yeah.
- Yup.
28
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,897
Hi, I'm Ray, and I live
here in Long island
29
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:14,813
with my wife Debra...
30
00:01:14,813 --> 00:01:17,773
...my six-year-old daughter,
and twin two-year-old boys.
31
00:01:17,773 --> 00:01:18,948
'Whee!'
32
00:01:18,948 --> 00:01:20,123
My parents...
33
00:01:21,733 --> 00:01:23,605
...live across the street.
34
00:01:23,605 --> 00:01:25,302
That's right.
35
00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:28,697
And my brother lives with them.
36
00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:31,134
Now, not every family
would defy gravity for you
37
00:01:31,134 --> 00:01:32,483
but mine would because--
38
00:01:32,483 --> 00:01:35,051
Everybody loves Raymond.
39
00:01:35,051 --> 00:01:36,313
Hey, you didn't...
40
00:01:41,275 --> 00:01:43,146
They're gonna call it, man.
There's no way.
41
00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:44,452
There's no way
they're gonna get it in.
42
00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:46,758
So none of these
are real massages?
43
00:01:48,717 --> 00:01:50,675
Well, Andy,
why would a real masseuse
44
00:01:50,675 --> 00:01:52,460
have a black bar
across her eyes?
45
00:01:55,245 --> 00:01:57,029
You know why?
The black matches her whip.
46
00:01:59,989 --> 00:02:03,123
So... so all of this is sex?
47
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,037
Yes, it's sex.
48
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:07,127
Then these prices
are very reasonable.
49
00:02:10,956 --> 00:02:12,567
Press box.
50
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,221
Yeah, hold on one second.
51
00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:16,179
Kevin, it's Roy Firestone.
52
00:02:16,179 --> 00:02:18,007
- Ooh. Roy's calling.
- "Ooh. Roy's calling."
53
00:02:19,226 --> 00:02:21,097
"I'm on TV with Roy.
54
00:02:21,097 --> 00:02:22,707
Mmm, Roy Firestone."
55
00:02:22,707 --> 00:02:24,579
Now, you're not a little
jealous, are you, Andy?
56
00:02:24,579 --> 00:02:25,928
No, I'm not jealous.
57
00:02:25,928 --> 00:02:28,322
So Kevin does the
play-by-play for the Mets.
58
00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:31,455
And I'm just
his humpbacked stat guy.
59
00:02:31,455 --> 00:02:32,761
Well, you know what?
60
00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:34,197
Without me, he wouldn't
know what to say.
61
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:36,068
He'd open up his mouth,
and meat would fall out.
62
00:02:37,896 --> 00:02:39,202
Thanks. Yep, I'll tell him now.
63
00:02:39,202 --> 00:02:40,508
'Alright, Roy.'
64
00:02:40,508 --> 00:02:42,336
Yeah! You know who that was?
65
00:02:42,336 --> 00:02:45,339
That was Roy freaking Firestone.
66
00:02:45,339 --> 00:02:47,993
Did he ask you to a sleepover?
67
00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:49,908
You, my friend,
are gonna be on TV.
68
00:02:49,908 --> 00:02:51,562
Me? What-what are you
talking about?
69
00:02:51,562 --> 00:02:53,869
Harvey Johnson's taking a
vacation and Roy wants you
70
00:02:53,869 --> 00:02:56,785
to fill in with us on Sportscall
with Roy Firestone.
71
00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:59,701
Get out of here. Come on,
I don't, I don't know TV.
72
00:02:59,701 --> 00:03:01,181
I'm a sportswriter.
73
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,792
Roy specifically asked
for a newspaper guy
74
00:03:03,792 --> 00:03:05,228
or a Chinese person.
75
00:03:07,448 --> 00:03:09,972
Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait,
that's a live TV show.
76
00:03:09,972 --> 00:03:12,801
It's 30 minutes. Come on, it's
the easiest money you ever made.
77
00:03:12,801 --> 00:03:14,324
Easier than the 40 bucks he got
78
00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:16,152
when you couldn't do
seven push-ups?
79
00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:19,286
It was ten, Andy.
80
00:03:19,286 --> 00:03:21,462
I couldn't do ten push-ups.
81
00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:24,029
It doesn't matter
because you stopped after two.
82
00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:27,598
So you're in, right?
83
00:03:27,598 --> 00:03:28,991
I don't know. I gotta...
84
00:03:28,991 --> 00:03:30,384
Come on, I gotta think it over.
85
00:03:30,384 --> 00:03:31,733
Like, I gotta let 'em
know tonight, Ray.
86
00:03:31,733 --> 00:03:32,951
Roy wants me?
87
00:03:32,951 --> 00:03:34,344
Come on, he knows who I am.
88
00:03:34,344 --> 00:03:35,824
Everybody knows who you are.
89
00:03:35,824 --> 00:03:37,695
You know sports, you,
you get to the heart
90
00:03:37,695 --> 00:03:39,262
the poetry, that is sports.
91
00:03:39,262 --> 00:03:41,917
Oh, I'm having the stomach
that is nauseous.
92
00:03:43,614 --> 00:03:44,615
You sure he knows me?
93
00:03:44,615 --> 00:03:46,138
- Yes!
- He-he's read my stuff?
94
00:03:46,138 --> 00:03:47,879
He knows it all. Come on!
95
00:03:47,879 --> 00:03:49,533
But you think I'll do
alright on there?
96
00:03:49,533 --> 00:03:51,709
- You're gonna do great, man.
- Alright, I'll do it.
97
00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:53,276
Yeah, that's the man I know.
98
00:03:53,276 --> 00:03:55,670
- Oh, man, I got to call Debra.
- Yeah, look at you.
99
00:03:55,670 --> 00:03:57,585
Debra's gonna flip, man,
when she hears this.
100
00:03:57,585 --> 00:03:59,761
Whoo! TV big shot.
101
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:01,589
Hi. Oh, hi, Michael.
102
00:04:01,589 --> 00:04:03,243
Michael answered the phone.
His first time.
103
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,548
- He's never done that.
- Huh, first time.
104
00:04:04,548 --> 00:04:06,202
What is he, 14 now, Ray?
105
00:04:08,378 --> 00:04:09,466
He's two.
106
00:04:09,466 --> 00:04:11,381
Yeah, hi, it's daddy.
107
00:04:11,381 --> 00:04:12,904
No, I know daddy's not home.
108
00:04:12,904 --> 00:04:14,079
I'm daddy.
109
00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:15,559
No, I'm daddy!
110
00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:17,518
Yeah, I, is mommy--
111
00:04:17,518 --> 00:04:20,695
Hello? No, don't go get daddy!
112
00:04:20,695 --> 00:04:22,436
He-he dropped the phone.
113
00:04:22,436 --> 00:04:24,612
Is somebody there? Somebody
there to pick up the phone?
114
00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:26,222
Debra. I hear you, Debra.
115
00:04:26,222 --> 00:04:27,615
You're walking
right by the phone now.
116
00:04:27,615 --> 00:04:29,791
Look down. Look down, Debra!
117
00:04:30,705 --> 00:04:32,141
I'm in the phone!
118
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:39,104
You know what my mother did?
119
00:04:39,104 --> 00:04:41,629
She sent flyers out
all over the neighborhood.
120
00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:46,982
My father told
everybody at the elks.
121
00:04:46,982 --> 00:04:49,506
Give me, give me some tips, man.
Tell me something.
122
00:04:49,506 --> 00:04:51,378
Just make love
to the camera, Ray.
123
00:04:53,771 --> 00:04:55,338
- Hey, what do you say, fellas?
- Hey, Roy.
124
00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:56,818
How you doin'? Good to see you.
You all know James Worthy.
125
00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:58,515
Hey, James,
good to see you again.
126
00:04:58,515 --> 00:05:00,256
- Ray, good to see you again.
- James, how are you?
127
00:05:00,256 --> 00:05:01,866
You all ready for the big show?
128
00:05:01,866 --> 00:05:03,041
I guess so.
129
00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:04,869
I don't do TV much.
130
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:05,870
Ever.
131
00:05:07,394 --> 00:05:09,483
First time.
132
00:05:09,483 --> 00:05:11,441
Kind of got
some butterflies going.
133
00:05:11,441 --> 00:05:13,051
Well, you know,
I don't get the butterflies.
134
00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:15,227
I just throw up
before every live show.
135
00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:18,318
'We're live in 30 seconds.'
136
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,102
Wait, I didn't throw up yet.
This is...
137
00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:25,020
How do you sit? Do you sit,
do you cross your legs much?
138
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:27,544
I don't, but I can't.
139
00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:29,546
'Okay, everybody, stand by.'
140
00:05:29,546 --> 00:05:33,507
'In 5, 4, 3, 2..'
141
00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:35,378
- Listen, can I get a...
- Hello again, everyb-body.
142
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:38,468
I'm Roy Firestone,
and this is Sportscall.
143
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:40,949
Our guest all this week from the
Great Laker championship team
144
00:05:40,949 --> 00:05:44,387
is Mr. James Worthy, and as
always the radio voice
145
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:46,563
of the New York Mets,
Mr. Kevin Daniels.
146
00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:48,913
- Good to see you, Kevin.
- Roy. James.
147
00:05:48,913 --> 00:05:50,219
How are you, folks?
148
00:05:50,219 --> 00:05:52,395
And a brand-new face
from Newsday.
149
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:54,658
'A fine columnist,
Mr. Ray Barone.'
150
00:05:54,658 --> 00:05:56,486
- Good to see you, Ray.
- Howdy.
151
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:03,232
Our subject tonight
Athletes and steroids.
152
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:05,147
As you might know,
there's an increasing use
153
00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:07,323
of the steroids among
amateur athletes
154
00:06:07,323 --> 00:06:09,456
and, Ray, you wrote a very
interesting piece about that.
155
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:11,458
Yes, I did, Roy.
156
00:06:13,764 --> 00:06:15,592
Why don't you tell us
about that, Ray?
157
00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:18,421
Um... it's a growing problem.
158
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,075
It's a growing problem.
159
00:06:20,075 --> 00:06:22,425
- Steroids is...
- Right.
160
00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:25,472
I'd say it's even, it's
gotten to be a bit of a...
161
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:27,038
- Mmm...
- Epidemic?
162
00:06:27,038 --> 00:06:29,258
No, no, no,
it's not an epidemic.
163
00:06:29,258 --> 00:06:31,478
It's out of control.
It's-it's kind of like a...
164
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,700
Epidemic.
165
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,485
Yeah. Yeah.
166
00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:40,312
What they-what they did was,
they took a group
167
00:06:40,312 --> 00:06:43,446
of Olympic athletes, and they
axed them if using steroids
168
00:06:43,446 --> 00:06:46,449
would guarantee you a gold medal
but would also kill you
169
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,538
uh, in five years,
would you still do it?
170
00:06:48,538 --> 00:06:51,149
64% of them said yes.
171
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:53,369
- Wow, really?
- That's alarming.
172
00:06:58,243 --> 00:07:00,245
I really enjoyed the piece.
A terrific piece.
173
00:07:00,245 --> 00:07:02,987
- You did a great job.
- Oh, thanks. Thanks, Roy.
174
00:07:02,987 --> 00:07:04,728
You know-you know when a program
succeeds like that
175
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:07,427
a lot of that stuff just gets
swept right under the rug.
176
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,037
- Right.
- Yeah, yeah.
177
00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:11,866
And what's gonna happen is that
it's later that these kids
178
00:07:11,866 --> 00:07:14,477
are gonna realize that,
oh, they've made
179
00:07:14,477 --> 00:07:16,740
a horrible mistake, you know?
180
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,525
They don't realize it at first
181
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:20,440
but what happens is, you know
182
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,268
they're sacrificing what once
183
00:07:23,268 --> 00:07:25,706
you know, was the ideal.
184
00:07:25,706 --> 00:07:27,490
The ideal dream.
The American dream.
185
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,844
But I have to tell you
this one thing...
186
00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:41,635
Hello.
187
00:07:41,635 --> 00:07:44,115
- Hooray!
- Yay! Yay!
188
00:07:44,115 --> 00:07:45,769
What are you doing? Come on.
189
00:07:45,769 --> 00:07:47,858
- Capturing the moment.
- Alright, come on, dad.
190
00:07:47,858 --> 00:07:49,773
- Cut it out.
- Great action shot!
191
00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:54,299
Oh, come on, Let me be the first
one to hug my big TV star.
192
00:07:54,299 --> 00:07:55,692
- Whoo!
- Yeah, it wasn't that good.
193
00:07:55,692 --> 00:07:56,911
Hey, Frank, take a picture.
194
00:07:56,911 --> 00:07:57,955
- Ahaha.
- Ah.
195
00:07:57,955 --> 00:07:59,522
Ah, come on, come on, come on.
196
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:01,524
They should give you the show.
197
00:08:01,524 --> 00:08:03,178
You're better
than that other guy.
198
00:08:03,178 --> 00:08:04,527
- Kevin?
- No, no, the other one.
199
00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:06,268
The one who was acting
like the boss.
200
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:08,662
Roy Firestone?
201
00:08:08,662 --> 00:08:10,533
You were the whole show!
202
00:08:10,533 --> 00:08:11,708
Come on.
203
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,196
Now you got television.
204
00:08:23,328 --> 00:08:24,547
Way to go.
205
00:08:26,897 --> 00:08:28,595
Actually I felt a little
awkward there, you know.
206
00:08:28,595 --> 00:08:30,248
Oh, you'd never know. Uh-uh.
207
00:08:30,248 --> 00:08:32,860
Here's James Worthy
listening to you talk.
208
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:36,037
Oh, dad what? You took pictures
of me on the television.
209
00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:39,649
Sure. How often is
my son on the tube?
210
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:41,608
I was on when we
busted John Gotti.
211
00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:45,786
Yes, but you didn't
have any lines, dear.
212
00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:50,051
- So what did you think?
- Oh, you were great.
213
00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:51,443
What did they say at the show?
214
00:08:51,443 --> 00:08:52,575
- Yeah, I think they liked me.
- Yeah?
215
00:08:52,575 --> 00:08:54,969
Of course they liked you!
216
00:08:54,969 --> 00:08:57,493
It was like watching
Joe Garagiola.
217
00:08:59,495 --> 00:09:01,410
Look, this one,
this is Roy smiling
218
00:09:01,410 --> 00:09:02,716
at something I said right there.
219
00:09:02,716 --> 00:09:03,934
- Oh.
- I remember when he did that.
220
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,849
Yeah, I saw that.
That was great.
221
00:09:05,849 --> 00:09:07,677
- They like you.
- Yeah.
222
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,505
Alright, alright, come on!
223
00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:11,681
It's a TV show.
That's all it is.
224
00:09:11,681 --> 00:09:13,901
We could blow that one up.
That one could get blown up.
225
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:16,033
Ray!
226
00:09:25,042 --> 00:09:26,217
Hey, I was just
talking to Kevin--
227
00:09:26,217 --> 00:09:27,610
Hey look at this. Look at this.
228
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:29,525
Ally drew another
picture of our family.
229
00:09:29,525 --> 00:09:32,572
And she still says that these
monsters aren't your parents.
230
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,008
Alright, so maybe...
231
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:36,227
...maybe they're not.
232
00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:37,664
Ray, this one is bald,
233
00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:39,622
And this one's carrying
a covered dish.
234
00:09:45,759 --> 00:09:46,934
You know what, save that.
235
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:49,893
Someday a therapist
may wanna see it.
236
00:09:49,893 --> 00:09:52,330
Listen, I was just
talking to Kevin
237
00:09:52,330 --> 00:09:54,550
and Harvey Johnson's gonna
be out again tomorrow.
238
00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,421
So they want me
to do the show again.
239
00:09:56,421 --> 00:09:58,380
Oh, I thought it was
just a one-time deal.
240
00:09:58,380 --> 00:10:00,121
Yeah, well,
things went pretty well there.
241
00:10:00,121 --> 00:10:02,558
Everybody seemed to like it,
so I figured, hey, why not?
242
00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:04,691
Hey, great, great.
243
00:10:04,691 --> 00:10:06,257
Yeah, that's really great.
244
00:10:09,521 --> 00:10:10,914
What?
245
00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:12,307
Nothing.
246
00:10:12,307 --> 00:10:14,265
Well, I mean, you're, you're
pursing your lips.
247
00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:15,440
What's wrong?
248
00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,877
I'm not pursing.
249
00:10:23,100 --> 00:10:25,015
- Puh-puh-puh!
- What? No, I just...
250
00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:28,018
Okay.
251
00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:30,717
Okay, it's just, maybe
before the next show
252
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:33,197
you could just
practice a few words.
253
00:10:33,197 --> 00:10:35,417
You kind of had a, just a little
bit of trouble saying tonight.
254
00:10:35,417 --> 00:10:36,897
- Like what...
- Oh, no, no, no.
255
00:10:36,897 --> 00:10:39,508
Don't get so excited.
It is not a big deal.
256
00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:42,076
Come on, I'm gonna, I'm gonna be
on television. What are you--
257
00:10:42,076 --> 00:10:43,425
Okay, look.
258
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:49,953
"Asterisk." You-you were, you
were talking about some record
259
00:10:49,953 --> 00:10:51,302
that had an asterisk next to it.
260
00:10:51,302 --> 00:10:53,043
Yeah? Yeah?
261
00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:54,523
Yeah. Asterisk.
262
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:57,569
Well, come on. Asterix.
263
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,573
Asterix.
264
00:11:01,573 --> 00:11:02,792
I said asterix on television!
265
00:11:02,792 --> 00:11:04,098
It's okay.
266
00:11:04,098 --> 00:11:05,447
No, no, no, no,
it's okay. Just...
267
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:06,970
Just, asterisk.
268
00:11:06,970 --> 00:11:08,580
- Asterix.
- Asterisk.
269
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:09,756
- Asterix.
- Aster--
270
00:11:09,756 --> 00:11:11,801
Oh, shut up, I know!
Stop showing off!
271
00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:13,760
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
You know what?
272
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,762
Maybe it would be easier if you
just break it into two parts.
273
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:18,765
Aster, risk.
274
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,636
- Asterisk.
- Asterix.
275
00:11:20,636 --> 00:11:22,551
- Ohh.
- Hey, hey.
276
00:11:22,551 --> 00:11:25,467
You know, Ray, nobody,
nobody even cares.
277
00:11:25,467 --> 00:11:29,776
Next time that word comes up,
maybe just say, little star.
278
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,516
What else? What else?
What other words?
279
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:34,041
Well, I mean, you're
asking me, right?
280
00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:35,042
Yeah.
281
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:38,872
You're asking me.
282
00:11:38,872 --> 00:11:41,657
Yeah, what are you doing?
I'm axing you.
283
00:11:41,657 --> 00:11:42,658
Oh.
284
00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:46,444
Yeah. "ask."
Sometimes you say...
285
00:11:46,444 --> 00:11:47,619
- Ax.
- Yeah.
286
00:11:47,619 --> 00:11:50,492
Ax. Oh, man.
287
00:11:50,492 --> 00:11:52,059
No, no, no, honey, come on.
288
00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:54,061
You just gotta
practice those words.
289
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:56,846
Just practice those words.
290
00:11:56,846 --> 00:11:59,631
Why? Why didn't
you tell me this?
291
00:11:59,631 --> 00:12:03,766
You should've told me the first
time I axed you something.
292
00:12:03,766 --> 00:12:06,682
I never thought you were
gonna be on television.
293
00:12:06,682 --> 00:12:07,901
You know what we could do?
294
00:12:07,901 --> 00:12:09,032
Let's put them all
in a sentence.
295
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:11,295
Say, um...
296
00:12:11,295 --> 00:12:15,343
"I asked you to put the asterisk
with the... cinnamon."
297
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,042
Cinnamum?
298
00:12:19,042 --> 00:12:21,828
Cinnamum.
299
00:12:21,828 --> 00:12:23,307
Oh, my god, I'm a monkey.
300
00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:27,877
Did I say cinnamum on the show?
301
00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:29,618
No, no, no, no.
It's just a good thing to know
302
00:12:29,618 --> 00:12:31,054
for when we're at the IHOP.
303
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,318
Come on. Come on.
304
00:12:34,318 --> 00:12:37,104
"I asked you to put the asterisk
with the cinnamon."
305
00:12:37,104 --> 00:12:38,801
- I asked you...
- Good. Good.
306
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:42,239
...to put the asterisk
with the cinnamum.
307
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:44,372
Cinnam...
308
00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:45,982
Alright, you know what?
No more IHOP.
309
00:12:48,855 --> 00:12:50,334
Ray, it's just...
310
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:52,554
It-it's just those
couple of words, that's all.
311
00:12:52,554 --> 00:12:54,774
I mean, you were really, we told
you, you were great on the show.
312
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,819
Yeah, yeah you told me.
You told me. I believed it.
313
00:12:56,819 --> 00:12:58,429
No, really, honey,
you were terrific.
314
00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:00,127
Oh, don't, don't!
315
00:13:01,693 --> 00:13:02,912
I'm sorry I axed.
316
00:13:11,094 --> 00:13:12,922
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, dear. You hungry?
317
00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:14,010
- No.
- Sit down.
318
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:15,490
I'll make you a sandwich.
319
00:13:18,058 --> 00:13:19,842
Oh, ally gave you
one of her paintings?
320
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:21,409
Yeah.
321
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:23,890
Look how big we are compared to
the rest of the family.
322
00:13:25,935 --> 00:13:27,719
Yeah, that's great.
323
00:13:27,719 --> 00:13:31,767
Listen, you guys ever notice
that I say certain words funny?
324
00:13:31,767 --> 00:13:33,247
What do you mean?
325
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:35,336
Like glockenspiel or tushy?
326
00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:39,731
Not funny words, dad.
327
00:13:39,731 --> 00:13:41,124
Do I mispronounce words?
328
00:13:41,124 --> 00:13:43,170
- I'm just axking.
- No.
329
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:45,389
I think you speak
beautifully, dear.
330
00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:48,001
Why? What's wrong?
331
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:49,480
Debra thought I had trouble
332
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,004
on the show last night
with certain words.
333
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:52,788
Oh, that's ridiculous.
334
00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:55,573
It sounds like she's being
a little nitpicky.
335
00:13:55,573 --> 00:13:58,489
Yeah? So you really think
I was alright last night?
336
00:13:58,489 --> 00:13:59,621
Yeah.
337
00:13:59,621 --> 00:14:01,101
Oh, good. Good.
338
00:14:01,101 --> 00:14:02,842
'Cause I'm gonna do
it again tonight.
339
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,278
They want you back?
340
00:14:06,976 --> 00:14:08,456
Well, what does that mean?
341
00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:11,633
Nothing, it's just that we,
we thought it was over.
342
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,680
So you did notice the words.
343
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,292
Listen, you got bigger problems
than your little words there.
344
00:14:21,121 --> 00:14:22,165
Like what?
345
00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:24,254
Like scratching the microphone.
346
00:14:24,254 --> 00:14:26,256
Nobody could hear
what the hell was going on.
347
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:29,564
But at least the, a-a-at least
scratching kept him from waving
348
00:14:29,564 --> 00:14:31,914
his hands around like
he was landing planes.
349
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:34,003
- The microphone was much worse.
- No, no.
350
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,092
It made seem like he'd never
been on television before.
351
00:14:36,092 --> 00:14:37,789
He never has been
on television before.
352
00:14:37,789 --> 00:14:39,356
But he's had his hands
his whole life.
353
00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:41,445
The microphone was
much more annoying!
354
00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:43,143
Ray, which is more annoying?
355
00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:46,929
This... or this?
356
00:14:49,584 --> 00:14:50,933
I did that?
357
00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:52,456
Yeah. Now that you mention it
358
00:14:52,456 --> 00:14:54,632
your voice was
kind of monotonous.
359
00:14:54,632 --> 00:14:56,069
I didn't mention that.
360
00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:59,507
Well, you tended to
drone on and on, dear.
361
00:15:00,682 --> 00:15:02,075
It was very off-putting.
362
00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:04,816
My God.
363
00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:07,080
You see? Like that.
364
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:09,386
Most people would say, "My God!"
365
00:15:13,608 --> 00:15:17,568
You gotta try and make your
voice go up and down more.
366
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:20,049
- High and low.
- Mm-hmm.
367
00:15:20,049 --> 00:15:22,878
I would absolutely love
a nice dill pickle.
368
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:27,274
Pickle, Marie.
369
00:15:28,101 --> 00:15:29,319
Oh, oh.
370
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:37,153
Wait, so, so let me get
this straight, dad.
371
00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:40,330
Everything you said after the
show last night was a lie.
372
00:15:40,330 --> 00:15:42,680
And behind my back, you've been
talking about how bad I was.
373
00:15:46,423 --> 00:15:47,468
You think I stunk.
374
00:15:47,468 --> 00:15:48,991
You think I stunk!
375
00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:51,167
Oh, what difference
would make what we think?
376
00:15:51,167 --> 00:15:52,821
They asked you back.
377
00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:54,866
But keep in mind
some of the things we told you
378
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:56,825
because I gotta see
people during the day.
379
00:15:58,305 --> 00:16:00,394
Oh, my god. The supermarket.
380
00:16:02,874 --> 00:16:05,442
You lie to me. You lie to me
and you do it so well.
381
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,227
How long has this been going on?
382
00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:09,359
Three weeks.
383
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:17,585
'Oh, my God, look at you.'
384
00:16:17,585 --> 00:16:19,326
Look at you. Oh, my God.
385
00:16:19,326 --> 00:16:22,285
You-you've been lying to me
my whole life, haven't you?
386
00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:24,157
"Oh, oh, Raymond,
you're such a great writer
387
00:16:24,157 --> 00:16:25,985
you could've been
writing poetry."
388
00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:27,290
How about in high school, ma?
389
00:16:27,290 --> 00:16:28,726
"Oh, don't worry, Ray, the girls
390
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:30,076
they don't know
what they're missing."
391
00:16:30,076 --> 00:16:33,383
They knew! They knew,
and they didn't miss it.
392
00:16:33,383 --> 00:16:35,516
How about this, ma?
Were you lying when you said
393
00:16:35,516 --> 00:16:38,214
"Oh, the day you were born was
the happiest day of our lives"?
394
00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:40,521
No, that's true, it was.
395
00:16:43,350 --> 00:16:44,916
Don't eat that now, Robert.
396
00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:49,617
What's going on?
397
00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:51,749
Hey, you know they've been lying
to us our whole lives?
398
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:54,752
Any time they ever tried to make
us feel good about ourselves.
399
00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:56,189
When did that happen to me?
400
00:16:58,626 --> 00:17:01,411
Oh, honey, I'm sure we
lied to you plenty of times.
401
00:17:03,761 --> 00:17:05,024
You got to get
your own place, man.
402
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,634
Oh, don't be silly.
403
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,157
We love having you here.
404
00:17:09,985 --> 00:17:11,073
Oh, my God.
405
00:17:12,596 --> 00:17:15,469
Ray, we told you
you were a good writer
406
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:18,080
so that you would think
you were a good writer, see?
407
00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,126
Then somebody gave you a job.
408
00:17:20,126 --> 00:17:21,692
That's what parents do.
409
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:24,173
They all lie to their kids
for their own good.
410
00:17:24,173 --> 00:17:27,481
But... other parents
aren't lying, ma.
411
00:17:27,481 --> 00:17:29,309
They believe in their children.
412
00:17:29,309 --> 00:17:30,788
No, they don't.
413
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,882
Alright, that's it.
That's it, okay?
414
00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:39,058
No more lies, alright?
415
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,363
Don't help me anymore!
416
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:42,148
- That was good. High and low.
- Mmm.
417
00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:46,239
'Use that on the show tonight.'
418
00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:48,676
Oh, my God I can't believe I
gotta do a show now.
419
00:17:48,676 --> 00:17:49,807
'You'll be wonderful, dear.'
420
00:17:49,807 --> 00:17:52,593
Ma, please, no more lies!
421
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:58,164
They say that because the
pros can hit it so far
422
00:17:58,164 --> 00:18:00,688
that they should lengthen
the length of all the courses
423
00:18:00,688 --> 00:18:04,474
and, uh... you know, I know
I'm probably droning on here
424
00:18:04,474 --> 00:18:06,389
but, um...
425
00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:07,999
...but what about,
what about tradition?
426
00:18:07,999 --> 00:18:11,002
There's always tradition
and history and-and stuff
427
00:18:11,002 --> 00:18:13,135
and I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know, I know.
428
00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:16,182
I-I support the changes
in baseball, but...
429
00:18:16,182 --> 00:18:18,314
Lo-loook, let me ax, ax...
430
00:18:18,314 --> 00:18:21,056
Ask you something here. Uh...
431
00:18:21,056 --> 00:18:25,104
Shouldn't a sport sometimes
should adopt, adapt...
432
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,106
...adapt and grow, but aren't
there times that a sport
433
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:30,413
shouldn't adopt, adapt,
and, uh...
434
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,198
...and not grow?
Probably not grow.
435
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:02,184
Oh, hi, honey.
436
00:19:02,184 --> 00:19:04,012
That didn't go
very well, did it?
437
00:19:09,017 --> 00:19:10,932
Not your best moment
there, Raymond.
438
00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:15,763
What are you doing?
439
00:19:15,763 --> 00:19:19,201
We're being honest.
You said that's what you wanted.
440
00:19:19,201 --> 00:19:21,464
I could've eaten
a box of alpha-bits
441
00:19:21,464 --> 00:19:23,162
and crapped a better interview.
442
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,133
Well, what did you think?
443
00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:40,831
Honey, I begged you
to say "little star."
444
00:19:42,964 --> 00:19:45,184
And it was even worse
than last time.
445
00:19:46,576 --> 00:19:48,317
You made me hate TV.
446
00:19:52,582 --> 00:19:54,323
Want me to play it back
for you, Raymond?
447
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,371
Alright. Alright,
alright, come on.
448
00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:00,416
Look I wanted you
to be honest, but...
449
00:20:00,416 --> 00:20:02,592
It couldn't have been all bad.
450
00:20:02,592 --> 00:20:05,508
Come on, dad, I made my voice
go high and low like you said.
451
00:20:05,508 --> 00:20:08,119
That didn't work.
452
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:09,904
What about my little
Steinbrenner joke?
453
00:20:09,904 --> 00:20:11,297
Wasn't funny.
454
00:20:11,297 --> 00:20:13,734
It's not nice to hurt
other people's feelings.
455
00:20:13,734 --> 00:20:15,214
Well, what about this?
456
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,606
This is funny.
457
00:20:20,262 --> 00:20:22,351
Alright, come on.
I mean, it could've been...
458
00:20:22,351 --> 00:20:24,005
There had to be something there.
459
00:20:24,005 --> 00:20:26,616
I was, I-I sat there, and...
460
00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:27,617
Come on.
461
00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:29,358
Come on!
462
00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:33,580
I thought there were
a lot of good things, Ray.
463
00:20:33,580 --> 00:20:34,624
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
464
00:20:34,624 --> 00:20:36,278
Like, those other guys are so
465
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:39,629
polished and professional, and
you were really, like, human.
466
00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:41,544
Yeah.
467
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:42,850
Yeah, but what about
what I said, though?
468
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:44,068
I mean, did it make sense?
469
00:20:44,068 --> 00:20:45,853
Oh, yes. Yeah.
470
00:20:45,853 --> 00:20:47,246
I got some of it.
471
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:50,988
So I mean, it wasn't
a total disaster?
472
00:20:50,988 --> 00:20:52,729
- No. Not total.
- Oh, not what we meant at all.
473
00:20:52,729 --> 00:20:54,165
- No.
- No.
474
00:20:54,165 --> 00:20:57,647
Well, how many
total disasters are there?
475
00:20:57,647 --> 00:21:00,868
Yeah. Ray, the fact that you
could go on live television
476
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:04,132
with such little experience,
that really says a lot.
477
00:21:04,132 --> 00:21:06,265
You were great, dear.
478
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:08,179
At least I tried it, right?
I mean, it's better.
479
00:21:08,179 --> 00:21:10,834
It's better to try
than to... not try.
480
00:21:10,834 --> 00:21:13,272
Yes! Yes. You gotta get in
there, you gotta try...
481
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,277
- I mean you were so good.
- Okay!
482
00:21:19,103 --> 00:21:20,061
Okay.
483
00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:23,847
Thanks.
484
00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:25,458
Better than Broadway.
485
00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:27,808
Okay.
486
00:21:27,808 --> 00:21:29,505
Alright, I got some makeup on.
487
00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:31,246
I'm gonna take the makeup off,
and then I'll come back.
488
00:21:31,246 --> 00:21:32,726
Okay. Yeah.
489
00:21:32,726 --> 00:21:34,815
You were so good, I bet they
have you back on again.
490
00:21:34,815 --> 00:21:36,251
- I'm sure they will.
- Yeah.
491
00:21:36,251 --> 00:21:37,687
It's all about you, Raymond.
492
00:21:42,431 --> 00:21:43,389
Robert.
493
00:21:55,879 --> 00:21:56,837
Phew.
494
00:21:59,274 --> 00:22:00,928
I don't think
that was a total disaster.
495
00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:08,196
Well, how many
total disasters are there?
33956
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