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1
00:00:00,767 --> 00:00:03,435
♪♪
2
00:00:03,437 --> 00:00:06,504
You guys were right,
I read the ad wrong.
3
00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:08,773
It wasn't for a candy striper,
4
00:00:08,775 --> 00:00:10,775
it was for a candy stripper.
5
00:00:10,777 --> 00:00:12,377
What is that, a joke?
6
00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:14,846
Check it out. Snot forgot his vest.
7
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,114
[CHUCKLES]
8
00:00:16,116 --> 00:00:18,383
I guess we all know
what that means, right?
9
00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:20,052
Uh, that's a "no."
10
00:00:20,054 --> 00:00:23,521
Snot secretly takes off
his vest when he dumps out.
11
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:25,257
Oh, no, he hides that?
12
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:27,392
Be proud, guy.
13
00:00:27,394 --> 00:00:29,061
It's cool to poo!
14
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,666
FRANCINE: Wuz dis?
15
00:00:34,668 --> 00:00:36,935
Hey, this is about us.
16
00:00:36,937 --> 00:00:39,003
It's a list of the family.
17
00:00:39,005 --> 00:00:40,005
We're...
18
00:00:40,006 --> 00:00:41,205
ranked.
19
00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:42,607
Ranked?
20
00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:45,810
On what, may I ask, did Snot rank us?
21
00:00:45,812 --> 00:00:47,211
Hotness.
22
00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:48,746
[CLAMORING]
23
00:00:48,748 --> 00:00:51,717
- STEVE: Oh, my God!
- KLAUS: I'm not last! I'm not last!
24
00:00:53,018 --> 00:00:54,018
I, uh...
25
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:55,053
forgot my vest.
26
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:57,489
Sit the hell down, Snot.
27
00:00:58,358 --> 00:01:00,158
'Tis the season...
28
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,493
for questions.
29
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,095
Gulp.
30
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:04,829
♪♪
31
00:01:04,831 --> 00:01:08,100
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
32
00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:09,102
What is this, Snot?
33
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:12,504
First off, it isn't some "weird" ranking
34
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,572
of who I'm personally attracted to.
35
00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:16,775
It's just a super normal,
36
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:19,644
"kinda hard to even be mad about" list
37
00:01:19,646 --> 00:01:22,580
of the objective hotness
of my best friend's family.
38
00:01:22,582 --> 00:01:24,916
Just to be clear, I'm ranked number one.
39
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,251
- Does that mean...?
- You're the hottest in the family.
40
00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:29,121
Your Honor, I have no more
questions for this witness,
41
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:31,123
except to ask if he
wants to stay for dinner.
42
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:34,793
[CHUCKLES] I see...
I see I'm seven on here.
43
00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:38,062
I'm just not sure I understand
the numbering system.
44
00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:40,598
Please allow me to
explain my conclusions.
45
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,801
Mr. Smith is ranked first
46
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:45,003
for his natural "talent."
47
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The man has the perfect body...
48
00:01:47,741 --> 00:01:49,808
huge, menacing torso
49
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:52,076
and legs that are
mostly an afterthought.
50
00:01:52,078 --> 00:01:56,881
But the showstopper is a
chin that makes you realize
51
00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:59,551
that nothing is impossible.
52
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:02,020
Hayley is ranked second.
53
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,156
She oozes potential.
54
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:08,026
A deep beauty lies within,
but it's mostly hidden
55
00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:10,695
because she transcends fashion
56
00:02:10,697 --> 00:02:14,032
and dresses in absolute defiance of it.
57
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:17,035
Steve came in a strong third.
58
00:02:17,037 --> 00:02:20,372
His silky hair and soft hands are great,
59
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:24,943
but it's dat faaaat aaaass
that put him over the top.
60
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:28,246
Francine, I worry about your drinking.
61
00:02:28,248 --> 00:02:31,383
And even though it hasn't
affected your looks yet,
62
00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:33,718
it's just so...
63
00:02:33,720 --> 00:02:35,720
tragically... sad.
64
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:37,121
[BELCHES]
65
00:02:37,123 --> 00:02:38,923
[SIGHS]
66
00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:41,660
Klaus is a gorgeous shade of orange.
67
00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:46,865
Gazing upon him is like
watching a tropical sunset.
68
00:02:46,867 --> 00:02:51,670
Jeff's feet are the
perfect size for his body.
69
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:54,539
And that concludes my list.
70
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:55,673
ROGER: What about me?
71
00:02:55,675 --> 00:02:57,275
You explained everyone's rankings,
72
00:02:57,277 --> 00:02:58,277
but not mine.
73
00:02:58,278 --> 00:02:59,944
[INHALES]
74
00:02:59,946 --> 00:03:02,014
I just don't think it's fair to say
75
00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:04,683
if it's something you can't change.
76
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,218
[GROANS]
77
00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:08,820
Announcement.
78
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,222
I'm skipping work for the month,
79
00:03:10,224 --> 00:03:13,091
and this time not just to play
"Animal Crossing."
80
00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:15,627
I'm going to finally start my magazine!
81
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:18,029
Stan Magazine is happening?
82
00:03:18,031 --> 00:03:20,098
Yep! For the first time ever,
83
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:21,766
there will be a magazine...
84
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:22,768
for men!
85
00:03:22,769 --> 00:03:24,436
Is this all because my friend
86
00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:25,770
thought you were attractive?
87
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:27,239
He's my friend too, Steve.
88
00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:30,042
Dad, there are already tons
of men's magazines out there.
89
00:03:30,044 --> 00:03:32,310
Stan Magazine will be different.
90
00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:35,447
Stan Magazine will have
reviews of wrist watches.
91
00:03:35,449 --> 00:03:36,848
And a sex advice column
92
00:03:36,850 --> 00:03:40,785
from... get this...
a woman wearing glasses.
93
00:03:40,787 --> 00:03:43,788
So there's irony at
play in this magazine.
94
00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:45,056
Sorry I'm late for breakfast.
95
00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:46,791
I didn't get too much sleep last night,
96
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,126
and I'm not feeling too hot.
97
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:49,461
I bet you aren't.
98
00:03:49,463 --> 00:03:50,862
[STIFLED LAUGHTER]
99
00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,931
I'm going to the zoo!
100
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:56,868
Dude, one of the gross hippos escaped!
101
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:58,737
Oh, no, has a hippo gotten out...
102
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,273
Oh, no, they're talking about me.
103
00:04:01,275 --> 00:04:02,407
That's no hippo!
104
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,742
It's a disgusting squid
trying to sneak out
105
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:06,278
of the zoo in people clothes.
106
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:10,082
My confidence is so low,
I don't even look human anymore.
107
00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:14,352
Whoa, the zoo got a monster.
108
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:17,355
♪♪
109
00:04:17,357 --> 00:04:20,492
Well, I've been to every bank
in the tri-city metro area,
110
00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:23,895
and no one has the balls to
loan me money for my magazine.
111
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,097
Goddamn banks!
112
00:04:25,099 --> 00:04:27,099
All they care about is money.
113
00:04:27,101 --> 00:04:28,700
How are you doing, Barry?
114
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,368
I'm so sorry for your loss.
115
00:04:30,370 --> 00:04:32,236
I really miss Nana.
116
00:04:32,238 --> 00:04:33,905
Now all I have to remember her by
117
00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:36,575
is the large inheritance she left me.
118
00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:41,513
Barry, my good man, have a seat.
119
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:45,249
Francine, we have a guest,
bring this lard-ass some ribs.
120
00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:46,785
I don't know if you've heard,
121
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,987
but I've got a lot of
heat on me right now.
122
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:52,324
Oh, I heard about Snot's rankings.
123
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,326
Congratulations.
124
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:55,660
I have an investment
opportunity for you.
125
00:04:55,662 --> 00:04:57,061
Stan Magazine.
126
00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:58,863
A magazine for men.
127
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,199
It's luxury but also rugged?
128
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:04,336
It's political,
but only for office politics.
129
00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,204
Dad, can you please not...
130
00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:08,673
Francine, silence the boy!
131
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,074
Ahh!
132
00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:12,877
Do you know anything about
launching a magazine?
133
00:05:12,879 --> 00:05:14,412
That's a great question.
134
00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:15,814
I've got some better ones.
135
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,416
What's Jeremy Renner's
favorite cigar shop?
136
00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:20,952
Where does Gerard Butler
like to scuba dive?
137
00:05:20,954 --> 00:05:22,286
Those are the big questions
138
00:05:22,288 --> 00:05:24,889
Stan Magazine will attempt to answer.
139
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,291
- I'll give you $600.
- Great!
140
00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:30,094
Barry, I'm so sorry
about your grandmother,
141
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:31,629
that she won't be here to see you
142
00:05:31,631 --> 00:05:34,298
become a magazine millionaire.
143
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:37,702
Who cares what Snot, the family,
a couple of zoo workers,
144
00:05:37,704 --> 00:05:39,704
and an entire Starbucks think of you?
145
00:05:39,706 --> 00:05:41,959
The barista asked me to leave the store,
146
00:05:41,994 --> 00:05:44,308
and then I could hear
everyone cheer when I left.
147
00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:47,379
Klaus,
this is the least confident and sexy
148
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:48,381
I've ever felt.
149
00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:49,514
[DOORBELL RINGS]
150
00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:50,982
Oh, no! It's the Wednesday
151
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:52,316
before Christmas, isn't it?
152
00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:55,720
Tonight's my legendary
Christmas sex party.
153
00:05:55,722 --> 00:05:58,322
ALL: Sex! Sex! Sex!
154
00:05:58,324 --> 00:05:59,991
What a disaster!
155
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,325
With your confidence so low
156
00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:04,062
and my Bangtivity
scene not finished yet.
157
00:06:04,064 --> 00:06:06,198
I still have to glue
on Joseph's mammoth hog
158
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:09,201
and arrange the Three
Wise Men circle jerk.
159
00:06:11,238 --> 00:06:15,240
♪♪
160
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:16,942
Upstairs.
161
00:06:18,687 --> 00:06:21,446
So, Rog, when are you going
to get in on the action?
162
00:06:21,448 --> 00:06:22,448
Not sure.
163
00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:24,115
Got my hands full with
these refreshments,
164
00:06:24,117 --> 00:06:25,450
and after that, I feel like it's time
165
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:28,587
I build that Lego Death
Star I got six years ago.
166
00:06:28,589 --> 00:06:29,854
Roger, you're being silly.
167
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:31,390
You're sexy as hell.
168
00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:32,857
This is your party!
169
00:06:32,859 --> 00:06:34,860
Get in there, Santa!
170
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:37,996
Do I look good?
171
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,799
You're giving me
a full-on Yule log, bro.
172
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,268
[INHALES SHARPLY, GROANS]
173
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:46,605
Uhp, coming through. 'Scuse me.
174
00:06:46,607 --> 00:06:48,006
Hey, how's it going over here?
175
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,208
WOMAN:
[SCREAMS] There's a hippo in here!
176
00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:54,078
MAN: Uh, that's clearly, uh, a squid.
177
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,546
Okay, that hurts.
178
00:06:55,548 --> 00:06:59,150
Heyo, how's the futon crew doing,
room for a fifth?
179
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,552
- TUTTLE: No!
- MRS. LONSTEIN: Oh, God,
180
00:07:01,554 --> 00:07:03,422
whatever you're doing,
can you not do it near me?
181
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:04,956
Sorry, sorry.
182
00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:08,159
Everyone is just so obsessed
with sex at this orgy!
183
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,962
Whatever happened to a little
something called conversation?
184
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,031
Huh? Sorry, I wasn't listening.
185
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:16,635
Tuttle is really getting
into the Christmas spirit...
186
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:19,971
giving and receiving.
187
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,572
[CLAPS HANDS]
188
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:22,641
[GUESTS GROAN]
189
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,309
I thought we could take a break
190
00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:27,512
from all that humping to
share a nice Christmas goose.
191
00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:28,980
Do we have to?
192
00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:30,849
Yes. We're going to eat, chat,
193
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:33,452
and enjoy each other's
sexiest body part...
194
00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,253
- You mean the ball sack?
- The taint?
195
00:07:35,255 --> 00:07:37,588
Is he talking about the anus?
196
00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:38,590
ROGER: The brain!
197
00:07:38,591 --> 00:07:40,125
Have you read "Dune"?
198
00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,526
I keep trying to get into it,
but I don't know,
199
00:07:41,528 --> 00:07:43,462
maybe I'm just not a "Dune" guy...
200
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:44,663
- [CLAPPING]
- Hey!
201
00:07:44,665 --> 00:07:46,597
I run the clapper around here!
202
00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:48,199
[CLAPPING]
203
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:51,136
Okay, very funny, everybody.
Where'd the goose go?
204
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,471
I'm gonna turn off the light again,
205
00:07:52,473 --> 00:07:55,006
and, whoever took the goose,
just put it back.
206
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,308
No questions asked.
207
00:07:57,744 --> 00:07:58,810
[CLAPPING]
208
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,078
Thank you.
209
00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:02,547
Oh, no, did someone [BLEEP] this goose?
210
00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:04,349
Who [BLEEP] this goose?
211
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:08,887
♪♪
212
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:10,489
'Sup, homies!
213
00:08:10,491 --> 00:08:13,091
Dad, what are you doing here
and what happened to your face?
214
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:16,094
You think it's easy to stay
on top of Snot's rankings?
215
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,229
I had all the fat from
my feet and calves
216
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,031
put into my cheeks and lips.
217
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,632
Hi, Snot, always good to see you.
218
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:24,635
Now, Barry,
I wanted to chat about continuing
219
00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:27,038
your investment in Stan Magazine.
220
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,508
Don't forget your
grandmother's dying words...
221
00:08:29,510 --> 00:08:31,442
"Support print journalism."
222
00:08:31,444 --> 00:08:33,778
Her dying words were, "Find my killer."
223
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:36,581
Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Smith,
224
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:39,318
but this all seems like
a giant vanity project.
225
00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,520
You think I'm gonna take artistic advice
226
00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:42,522
from my money guy?
227
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:45,123
No way. You suits are all the same.
228
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:47,125
You're the one wearing a suit.
229
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,327
I'm not giving you any more money.
230
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,462
Very well, you are dead to me.
231
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:52,797
I'm gonna go finish my lunch
232
00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:54,533
with the sexy religious students.
233
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,869
You know,
I always thought that cleaning up
234
00:08:57,871 --> 00:09:00,071
after an orgy would be gross,
235
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,472
and I was right.
236
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,742
Klaus, I can't live like this anymore.
237
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:06,211
Sex makes everything so much worse.
238
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:09,214
So I've decided to swear
off sex from now on.
239
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,016
I'm giving it up forever.
240
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:12,217
I'm with you!
241
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,019
I'm sick of sex, too!
242
00:09:14,021 --> 00:09:16,154
I don't want to get railed, nailed,
243
00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:19,290
Eiffel towered,
pretzel dipped, corkscrewed,
244
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:23,294
flat-ironed, wheel-barrowed,
or sporked ever again.
245
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:26,365
I'm done, done, done with sex!
246
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:28,433
- Sporked?
- Sex, who needs it?
247
00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,568
Not me!
248
00:09:29,570 --> 00:09:32,170
My whole downstairs is
basically destroyed anyways!
249
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,239
[BOTH LAUGH]
250
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,241
I like your vibe, strange woman.
251
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:39,043
Roger, professional uncle, hater of sex.
252
00:09:39,045 --> 00:09:40,178
Elizabeth.
253
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:41,512
You know, if we're both
254
00:09:41,514 --> 00:09:43,915
really serious about not having sex,
255
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,084
there's something we can do...
256
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,053
BOTH: We got married!
257
00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:51,390
♪ Bum bum bummmm ♪
258
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:56,594
♪♪
259
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,863
[ALARM RINGS]
260
00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,199
- Good morning.
- Good morning to you, sir.
261
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,867
BOTH: Companionship!
262
00:10:02,869 --> 00:10:04,068
KLAUS: Companionship!
263
00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:06,471
Don't forget I'm part of this too.
264
00:10:07,141 --> 00:10:10,008
It's so nice not worrying
about sex anymore.
265
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:12,144
I can focus on the
important things in life,
266
00:10:12,146 --> 00:10:13,812
like this flavorless oatmeal.
267
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:17,549
And I can wear my night
guard all day long.
268
00:10:18,181 --> 00:10:19,187
Ugh!
269
00:10:19,189 --> 00:10:21,219
Mmm, this homemade apple cider vinegar
270
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:24,288
is so much more sour than store bought.
271
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:27,359
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
272
00:10:31,365 --> 00:10:35,467
The birds are quite promiscuous
up here in the mountains.
273
00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:38,036
Woodworking.
274
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,972
A true, lasting pleasure.
275
00:10:39,974 --> 00:10:41,506
I can do this all night.
276
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,307
[YAWNS] But it's been a long day.
277
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:44,909
I think it's time to hit the hay.
278
00:10:44,911 --> 00:10:47,979
Honey, it's 7:15 in the morning.
279
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,514
Oh.
280
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:50,582
Huh.
281
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:54,052
♪♪
282
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,420
Shhh. He's coming.
283
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,391
Why is dad dressed like
a villainous emperor
284
00:10:59,393 --> 00:11:00,859
from a sci-fi movie?
285
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,927
[HISSES]
286
00:11:02,929 --> 00:11:04,196
Thank you, Xerxes.
287
00:11:04,198 --> 00:11:07,265
The venom of this little
snake reactivates my calf fat.
288
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,133
It's what we in the
magazine business call
289
00:11:09,135 --> 00:11:10,735
a "compound plumpening."
290
00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:11,936
I have great news!
291
00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:13,471
After a brief bankruptcy,
292
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:16,140
Stan Magazine will
continue to move forward
293
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:18,877
thanks to our angel investor... Toshi.
294
00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:20,012
[APPLAUSE]
295
00:11:20,014 --> 00:11:21,546
Don't you have friends of your own?
296
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:22,747
Not really, no.
297
00:11:22,749 --> 00:11:24,482
Okay, let's get an update
from my writers.
298
00:11:24,484 --> 00:11:26,551
Chuck Klosterman, how's that hit piece
299
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:28,352
on that cheap-ass loser, Barry?
300
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,955
It's a brutal takedown as requested...
301
00:11:30,957 --> 00:11:32,024
Alright, that's enough, chatterbox.
302
00:11:32,026 --> 00:11:33,826
I pay you to type, not to talk.
303
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:37,629
Stan, how many more tequilas
do you want me to taste test?
304
00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:40,999
Um, I-I asked you
to write about lacrosse.
305
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:43,501
Finally, Malcolm Gladwell,
306
00:11:43,503 --> 00:11:45,904
how are those wrist
watch reviews coming?
307
00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,639
Stan, I tried to explain.
308
00:11:47,641 --> 00:11:50,374
My writings deal with the
unexpected implications
309
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:53,578
of human behavior in
the social sciences.
310
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,447
Well, now you review wrist watches.
311
00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:57,049
And remember, it's a men's magazine
312
00:11:57,051 --> 00:11:59,651
so the highest rating is five boners.
313
00:11:59,653 --> 00:12:00,985
[HISSES]
314
00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:03,055
You heard the snake... back to work!
315
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:07,459
Companionship!
316
00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:09,161
Companionship.
317
00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:12,731
This is the life.
318
00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:15,600
As little sex and as
much apple cider vinegar
319
00:12:15,602 --> 00:12:17,035
as we want.
320
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,339
Was kinda hoping that would kill me.
321
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:25,810
♪♪
322
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:28,080
Mmmm, burnt-ass bread.
323
00:12:28,082 --> 00:12:29,414
Who needs sex?
324
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,749
Not me and my burnt-ass bread.
325
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,351
We're doing great.
326
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,887
♪♪
327
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:38,490
Hi, Time Warner, yes,
I'd like to lodge a complaint.
328
00:12:38,492 --> 00:12:40,959
Dr. Phil is wearing a tan suit today
329
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,462
and he looks like a giant fat penis.
330
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:48,200
There. Done.
331
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:52,104
We've been here for a while.
332
00:12:52,755 --> 00:12:54,673
I learned to play the piano!
333
00:12:57,444 --> 00:12:59,311
ROGER: What is that awful noise?
334
00:12:59,313 --> 00:13:01,113
I don't like it! Elizabeth!
335
00:13:01,115 --> 00:13:02,714
Can you hear this?
336
00:13:02,716 --> 00:13:06,451
[PARTY MUSIC PLAYING]
337
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:09,854
"Uncle Tuttle's Ballsackular Bang Bash"?
338
00:13:09,856 --> 00:13:11,123
[GASPS] Elizabeth!
339
00:13:11,125 --> 00:13:13,391
My Christmas sex party has been stolen
340
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,259
by that pervert Al Tuttle!
341
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:17,529
Elizabeth!
The party seems bigger than ever.
342
00:13:17,531 --> 00:13:20,064
There's a line around
the block to get in.
343
00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:21,466
Oh, man, Elizabeth!
344
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,468
You're not going to believe this,
but [CHUCKLES]
345
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:26,471
there's a woman there that's bitin'
your humdrum style.
346
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,940
What a joke!
She can't pull it off at all.
347
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:30,675
She even has your same back tattoo
348
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:32,811
that means "betrayal" in Chinese.
349
00:13:32,813 --> 00:13:34,879
Elizabeth, you've got to see this.
350
00:13:34,881 --> 00:13:37,349
Elizabeth?
351
00:13:37,351 --> 00:13:38,616
Wait a minute!
352
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:40,885
I've been whatever is Chinese
353
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:42,086
for betrayed!
354
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:43,888
- Ahh!
- [THUNDER CRASHES]
355
00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:46,558
What is all the commotion...
356
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:49,161
Roger, what is happening to you?!
357
00:13:49,163 --> 00:13:50,628
ROGER: I don't know!
358
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:51,830
I think this is what happens
when my species
359
00:13:51,832 --> 00:13:52,964
has been betrayed!
360
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,566
Or maybe this is what
happens to my species
361
00:13:54,568 --> 00:13:56,768
if they go a year without sex.
362
00:13:56,770 --> 00:13:58,703
How do you not know?!
363
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:02,507
I flunked out of school, Klaus.
364
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,976
Whoa, Roger.
365
00:14:03,978 --> 00:14:06,578
I am not Roger anymore.
366
00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,513
Call me The Grounch.
367
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:11,049
The Grounch Who Stole Sex-mas.
368
00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:13,418
[THUNDER CRASHES]
369
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,056
♪ Gonna have sex ♪
370
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,057
♪ Gonna have sex ♪
371
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:20,124
♪ Gonna have sex today ♪
372
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:21,793
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
373
00:14:21,795 --> 00:14:24,929
♪ On a random stranger's face, yay! ♪
374
00:14:24,931 --> 00:14:28,132
KLAUS:
Now that the Grounch had been betrayed,
375
00:14:28,134 --> 00:14:30,535
he couldn't stand anyone getting laid.
376
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:34,138
And every party-goer liked sex a lot.
377
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:35,874
But the Grounch...
378
00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:37,542
he did not.
379
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,611
The Grounch hates sex
380
00:14:39,613 --> 00:14:41,946
and the people who have it one and all.
381
00:14:41,948 --> 00:14:47,485
Most think because his boner
was two sizes too small.
382
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:48,420
[GROWLS]
383
00:14:48,422 --> 00:14:50,288
The Grounch couldn't stand
384
00:14:50,290 --> 00:14:52,156
to see all these people,
385
00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:54,492
every one of them so horny.
386
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,160
He said to the heavens...
387
00:14:56,162 --> 00:14:58,763
I must find a way to stop this orgy!
388
00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,565
Right in that moment,
389
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:03,101
the Grounch got an idea.
390
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:08,640
A ghastly, gruesome, Grounch-y idea.
391
00:15:08,642 --> 00:15:12,244
I know exactly what all
these pervs need to get off.
392
00:15:12,246 --> 00:15:15,513
Tonight I will steal
all their sexy things...
393
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:17,982
the Spank-A-Roos, the Bungle-Fondlers,
394
00:15:17,984 --> 00:15:19,660
and the Strap-On-Dill-Dolls.
395
00:15:19,695 --> 00:15:20,919
I will ruin their big party
396
00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:23,455
and give everyone blue balls.
397
00:15:23,457 --> 00:15:25,323
KLAUS: His mission clear,
398
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,725
the Grounch yelled down the hill...
399
00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:31,063
If I can't have sex, then no one will!
400
00:15:32,332 --> 00:15:37,335
♪ You're a green one,
Monsieur Grounch ♪
401
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:41,673
♪ You have no sex appeal ♪
402
00:15:41,675 --> 00:15:43,741
♪ You look like a furry booger ♪
403
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:46,278
♪ You're charming as a dead seal ♪
404
00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:48,680
♪ Monsieur Grounch ♪
405
00:15:48,682 --> 00:15:50,815
♪ You smell like
three-day-old gym shorts ♪
406
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:53,017
♪ Worn by an incontinent ♪
407
00:15:53,019 --> 00:15:54,352
♪ Shaquille O'Neal ♪
408
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:57,555
♪♪
409
00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:02,160
♪ You're an original character,
Monsieur Grounch ♪
410
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,162
♪ That's an undeniable fact ♪
411
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:09,101
♪ But if this does remind
you of some other creature ♪
412
00:16:09,103 --> 00:16:11,235
♪ Don't overreact ♪
413
00:16:11,237 --> 00:16:17,109
♪ The Supreme Court ruled that
a parody may claim fair use ♪
414
00:16:17,111 --> 00:16:20,178
♪ Under Section 107 ♪
415
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,514
♪ Of the Copyright Act ♪
416
00:16:22,516 --> 00:16:24,449
MAN: Where's my Pee-Pee-Pump-O-Max?!
417
00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:26,518
SUZE:
And I'm looking for my Hoo-Hoo-Wax!
418
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:28,386
BULLOCK: I can't possibly get down
419
00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:30,722
without my Rooty-Tooty-Booty-Snacks!
420
00:16:30,724 --> 00:16:32,857
TUTTLE: Hey, where's my Dingle-Dongle?
421
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:35,860
MRS. LONSTEIN: And I can't have
sex without my Vibra-Shlongle!
422
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:39,498
DR. KALGARY:
Has anyone seen my Anal-Tongle?!
423
00:16:41,135 --> 00:16:45,670
♪ You're a piece of shit,
Monsieur Grounch ♪
424
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:50,608
♪ You stink like a Muppet's fart ♪
425
00:16:50,610 --> 00:16:52,544
♪ You're a real bad apple ♪
426
00:16:52,546 --> 00:16:56,748
♪ You're worse than Paul
Blart the mall cop ♪
427
00:16:56,750 --> 00:16:59,151
♪ You're the worst thing to happen ♪
428
00:16:59,153 --> 00:17:03,488
♪ To the local community ♪
429
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,824
♪ Since Walmart! ♪
430
00:17:06,757 --> 00:17:07,767
_
431
00:17:10,964 --> 00:17:14,766
♪♪
432
00:17:14,768 --> 00:17:17,635
Tuck in that shirt,
this isn't fajita night at Applebee's.
433
00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:19,637
This is fajita night
catered by Applebee's
434
00:17:19,639 --> 00:17:22,574
for Stan Magazine's launch party.
435
00:17:24,701 --> 00:17:25,977
Alright, it's 8:00.
436
00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:28,947
Time to open the doors
and let the riff-raff in.
437
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:32,517
Where's my riff-raff?
438
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:34,318
Dad, I tried to tell you
439
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:36,188
that no one had RSVP'd,
440
00:17:36,190 --> 00:17:37,922
but you just kept accusing me of not
441
00:17:37,924 --> 00:17:39,657
considering fashion an art form.
442
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:42,260
Fashion is an art form, Hayley!
443
00:17:42,262 --> 00:17:43,928
Wait, no one's coming?
444
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:46,731
[LAUGHTER]
445
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:48,332
Put that back on the pedestal!
446
00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:51,269
[LAUGHS] What's with the
Pikachus on every page?
447
00:17:51,271 --> 00:17:52,604
What? You think it's too much
448
00:17:52,606 --> 00:17:54,606
like all the other men's magazines?
449
00:17:54,608 --> 00:17:57,075
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
like you, Steve!
450
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:58,977
[SOBBING]
451
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:03,815
Noooooo!
452
00:18:03,817 --> 00:18:07,819
Why must the beautiful suffer so?!
453
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:11,823
KLAUS: The Grounch was happy,
his mission complete,
454
00:18:11,825 --> 00:18:16,028
till he heard the sound
of sucking on feet.
455
00:18:16,030 --> 00:18:18,963
ROGER: I don't understand,
how could this be?
456
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:21,833
They're still having the sex party?
457
00:18:21,835 --> 00:18:24,569
KLAUS: And then he made a realization
458
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,771
that made his face flush.
459
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:29,974
The spirit of sex is too hard to crush.
460
00:18:29,976 --> 00:18:32,911
The Grounch realized that a sex party
461
00:18:32,913 --> 00:18:37,649
isn't about toys, lingerie,
or lube with spermicide.
462
00:18:37,651 --> 00:18:40,252
It's about feeling sexy inside.
463
00:18:40,254 --> 00:18:43,455
KLAUS: But that's exactly
what the Grounch didn't feel.
464
00:18:43,457 --> 00:18:46,791
I guess before bed I'll
have a sad bowl of oatmeal.
465
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:50,262
And that might have been the
end of our pathetic tale.
466
00:18:50,264 --> 00:18:54,599
If the Grounch hadn't noticed
that he was standing on a scale.
467
00:18:54,601 --> 00:18:56,801
Holy shit, I've lost two pounds!
468
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,604
It must be all that
oatmeal I've been eating.
469
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:02,540
Dang, I look skinny as hell.
470
00:19:02,542 --> 00:19:06,678
Ho ho... ho.
471
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:10,749
That was the moment
that everything changed.
472
00:19:10,751 --> 00:19:14,753
Suddenly the Grounch didn't
feel like such a grump.
473
00:19:14,755 --> 00:19:19,658
The Grounch was feeling
sexy and he wanted to hump.
474
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:26,631
ROGER: Ow!
475
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,300
[FAINT PARTY MUSIC PLAYING]
476
00:19:28,302 --> 00:19:31,636
♪♪
477
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:33,705
I want to apologize to all of you.
478
00:19:33,707 --> 00:19:35,774
I'm sorry I tried to ruin your night.
479
00:19:35,776 --> 00:19:38,242
Not good enough. We're mad at you!
480
00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:41,313
You know, you stole
Hideki's heartburn medication.
481
00:19:41,315 --> 00:19:42,580
Not cool.
482
00:19:42,582 --> 00:19:44,516
Well, if words can't convince you,
483
00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:47,586
maybe this will change your mind.
484
00:19:53,193 --> 00:19:55,627
Mmm. Let us talk it over.
485
00:19:58,999 --> 00:20:02,134
We've decided we want
to have sex with you.
486
00:20:02,136 --> 00:20:03,601
Elizabeth.
487
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,670
I want you first.
488
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:06,938
Please come in.
489
00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:08,406
There's snacks in the kitchen,
490
00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:09,808
a shower in the back,
491
00:20:09,810 --> 00:20:12,010
and no finishing on my iguana.
492
00:20:12,012 --> 00:20:15,647
♪♪
493
00:20:19,820 --> 00:20:22,487
Huh, I guess
I screwed off all my green fur.
494
00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:23,888
Well, I did it, Klaus.
495
00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,690
I shtupped the whole town.
496
00:20:25,692 --> 00:20:27,692
Congratulations, Roger.
497
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,293
Glad you got your mojo back.
498
00:20:29,295 --> 00:20:31,029
Yeah, me too.
499
00:20:31,031 --> 00:20:33,631
I just don't understand what
lesson I was supposed to learn.
500
00:20:33,633 --> 00:20:35,700
JEANS: Don't you remember?
501
00:20:35,702 --> 00:20:38,302
Confidence is sexy!
502
00:20:38,304 --> 00:20:39,704
ROGER: Oh, hi, Jeans!
503
00:20:39,706 --> 00:20:41,573
So this was all about confidence.
504
00:20:41,575 --> 00:20:43,307
Obviously.
505
00:20:43,309 --> 00:20:45,109
Goodbye, Roger.
506
00:20:45,111 --> 00:20:50,182
I must now return to where
I live behind the moon.
507
00:20:50,184 --> 00:20:53,452
Merry Christmas!
508
00:20:54,588 --> 00:20:58,322
STAN: And happy New Year!
509
00:20:58,324 --> 00:21:00,459
Bye-bye, see you soon!
510
00:21:02,054 --> 00:21:03,745
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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